Mormon Life - Weddings tag

{Poll} The Wedding Thank-you

Thu, 17 May 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by Kaela Worthen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Having recently gotten married, I'm now facing the daunting task of sending thank-you cards. What rules do you think are most important when sending cards?

It's a given that thank-you cards should be sent when people come to your wedding and give you gifts. But the exact manner in which this should be done seems cluttered by a lot of rules and sometimes debate. I've seen some that are monogrammed in sealed envelopes and others that are just postcards, some with photos and some not. Some mention the gift (and some mention the wrong gift), and some add a personal note while others are more formulaic. What's okay and what's not? You tell me.

Dave Says: It's Your Wedding!

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:04:00 -0600

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Do parents have a say in the final wedding plans if they're contributing money to help pay for it?

Dear Dave,

My girlfriend and I recently got engaged, and our parents are contributing financially to the wedding. We’ve noticed that both sets of parents are pressing their ideas of what they’d like the wedding to be like, who to invite and who to include in the wedding party. I know in the end it’s our call, but traditionally do parents have some kind of say if they contribute money to help pay for the wedding?

Chris

Dear Chris,

No. Traditionally, they take a say. And traditionally they’re a pain in the behind! But they only interfere because they’re so excited and love you so much. They want to be part of the happiness and for everything to be perfect.

As soon as they deliver a little girl, lots of mothers start planning their daughters’ wedding. They’ve had several years to dream and form an opinion on this, and your fiancé’s mom has probably been doing it, too.

Since this is such an emotional event, I think you two need to have some reasonable boundaries. But you also should keep in mind that your parents are just as excited – if not more – than you guys are. When you come to a disagreement tell them firmly, but gently, that you love them, but you’re going to do things your way. If they’re footing part of the bill they’d have the right to decide not to pay for something, but unless there’s some moral issue involved they probably won’t act badly.

I think if you just step back and take a breath you’ll realize what a big deal this is to everyone involved. Chances are you’ll also be able to come up with some creative ways to allow them to participate without your wedding losing its identity.

My biggest suggestion to you is to make sure that you’re the buffer between your fiancé and the parents. Don’t let anyone push her around, and do everything you can to make sure your wedding is what you both want it to be!

—Dave

For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.

{LDS How-to} Create Your Own Book of Wedding Letters

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 10:04:00 -0600

by SarahJo Ciotti
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Everyone gets (and needs) advice when they get married. Why not organize preserve that advice in a beautiful book for the bride and groom?

The Wedding Letters, a new book by a New York Times Bestseller Jason F. Wright (author of The Wednesday Letters and The Christmas Jars), goes on sale today. And just as The Christmas Jars spurred a new Christmas tradition for families around the country, this book set me to thinking of how you could do your own wedding letters – letters of advice, encouragement, and happiness for the bride and groom – either for your own wedding or as a surprise gift for someone else’s.

So I came up with a few tips.

1. Designate someone to be in charge of the project. This should be someone who doesn’t already have a lot of responsibility with the wedding—and definitely someone other than the bride and groom.  If this is something you want for your own wedding, find a member of the family or a family friend that you trust and who would be excited to be a part of your big day to coordinate the letters. That way you will have one less thing to worry about, and you will make someone else feel valued and a part of the excitement. Then pass this guide on to that person and relax.

2. Collaborate with someone who knows the other side of the family; you want to include friends and family of both the bride and the groom. If you only know one side well, look for a partner who may know the other side as well. You can each gather the letters from the respective sides individually to combine later or have them sent to whomever is compiling the actual book.

3. Start with plenty of time. It’s never too early to start a wedding letters book. Once you find out the couple is engaged, get prepared.  Have a submission date, but plan with enough time that you can be flexible. Be patient. Follow up with a phone call (if possible) the week after you send invitations, and send out a reminder post card somewhere between the time you sent the invitation and the submission date.

4. Create a website. If you send out a hard copy invitation, or send e-mails, it’s probably a good idea to have a website where people can go if they lose your address or other information on the letters. You can create a professional website, or you can use one of the many free blog sites that are available. Just make the address simple enough that people can remember such as thejonesweddingletters.blogspot.com. For those who are more tech savvy, you can also use Google documents to allow people to easily input their information and advice into a submission form and send out e-invites using email and social networking sites.

5. Include tips or a prompt. Each letter should be a personal note of love, encouragement, and congratulations to the couple as they celebrate their wedding. Encourage the participants to send handwritten notes to add a personal touch but accept typed letters as well. Suggest that the letters be uplifting and hopeful, not lengthy lists of do’s and don’ts.

6. Provide postage and stationery if budget allows. This increases your chances for the contributor to respond, cutting out a trip to the post office or dollar store to get envelopes. You may even consider printing and providing custom stationary. Be sure the letters go directly to you, the letter gatherer. That way they are all in one place and you don’t have to track down who sent their letter to whom.

7. Presentation is everything. After you send out the invitations and while you wait for the letters to come in, take this time to arrange the way you want to present the gift to the bride and groom. Some ideas you may consider include: a three-ring binder (using sheet protectors to safeguard the contents); a personalized leather binder with their names, date of the wedding, or some other meaningful phrase; a professionally bound book; or an unbound collection in an attractive gift box.

To learn more about Jason Wright's new book The Wedding Letters, click here.

Weekend Craft: Wedding Cake Card

Fri, 27 May 2011 00:01:00 -0600

by Oh My Crafts
source: MormonLife.com

Make sure to use coupon code LDS10 to get 10% off supplies needed at Oh My Crafts!

Celebrate wedding season by giving all of those happy couples a special handmade card. This card has it all: pearls, ribbon, and punches combine for the perfect cake.

Supplies Needed:
- Oh My Crafts: cardstock: beach babe; acid-free craft tape; walnut vinyl
- Imaginisce: garden party 6x6 pad
- Bazzill Cardstock: wedding white
- EK Success: zigzag chain; ½ inch circle punch
- Copic Markers: ciao Y 21
- Martha Stewart Punches: footlights, daisy chain
- Sizzix: Tim Holtz Alterations – mini scallop & pinking die
- Viva Décor: cream pearl pen
- Ribbon: general craft supply
- We R Memory Keepers: corner chomper

Wedding Cake Card:
1. Cut pink card base 9 ¾ x 6 ¼ inches. Score in half and fold.
2. Cut pink print 6 x 4 ½ inches. Adhere to front of card base.
3. Cut large rectangle from butterfly white paper 1⅞ x 3⅝ inches. Punch top edge with footlights punch.
4. Cut medium rectangle from striped white paper 2¾ x 1½ inches. Punch top edge with footlights punch.
5. Cut small rectangle from satin white paper 2 x 1½ inches. Punch top edge with footlights punch.
6. Punch (3) ½-inch circles from stripe paper.
7. Punch zigzag chain from satin paper.
8. Punch daisy chain from satin paper.
9. Punch border scallop from Sizzix die – mini scallop.
10. Using the light yellow Copic marker, lightly color all punch pieces for accent color if desired. (See tip)
11. From Cricut cartridge “Tie the Knot,” cut cake plate from solid pink cardstock. Use blade depth 6, max pressure, 3½ inch size and medium speed.
12. Assemble cake by layering the scallop to bottom of largest layer, dots to largest cake layer, zigzag to middle layer, and daisy chain to smallest layer.
13. Adhere completed cake to pedestal.
14. Adhere cake to front of card.
15. Tie white bow and adhere to top of cake.
16. If desired on the inside of card, cut a flourish from Cricut cartridge “Tie the Knot” about 1½-1¾ inches from walnut vinyl. Use a blade depth of 4 with low pressure and medium speed.
17. Weed excess vinyl and remove centers. Using transfer tape, lift design from liner paper and transfer to inside center of card.
18. Round corner edges with corner rounder or pair of scissors.
19. With pearl pen, fill in the 2 small holes in punched design at the top of each layer. On the bottom scallop, place 2 vertical dots every other scallop. Let dry.

TIPS:
The accent pieces can be colored any color to match the wedding colors. Because the wedding Bazzill paper has a special coating on it, the ink of the Copic marker does not seep through.

Toronto Ontario Temple gardens popular site for brides of all faiths

Mon, 23 May 2011 09:02:00 -0600

source: MormonTimes.com

Most brides have a photo shoot in the picturesque Toronto Ontario Temple grounds — and not just those who were just married inside.

It is common to see the temple grounds suddenly fill up with dozens of cars on a Saturday afternoon and a bridal party having their official photographs taken. For many years, a top choice of brides of all religions is the grounds of the Toronto Ontario Temple because of the spectacular display of flowers, shrubs, trees and other landscaping features that make it one of the best natural backdrops.

Brampton was named Canada’s Flower City for a huge greenhouse that for decades in the 20th century specialized in roses and sent them all over North America.

{Food Dish} Cliché Mormon Bridal Shower Menu

Fri, 13 May 2011 12:35:00 -0600

by Ashley Evanson
source: MormonLife.com

Wedding season is upon us (already?!) and it’s time to start planning the showers. Mormons only have to attend a few hundred of these every summer, but at least there’s food, right? However, over my years of attendance, I’ve noticed the same types of food are served and I’d like to see things mixed up a bit.

Does this menu sound familiar: Chicken salad croissants, fruit platter, spinach strawberry salad, mint brownies, and a fruit punch concoction made with Sprite? Of course it does.

I don’t want to throw tradition completely out the window, but here’s a spiced up menu for the bridal (and baby) shower classics.

Photo from Our Best Bites.
Old: Chicken Salad Croissant
New: Teriyaki Chicken Sandwich

Photo from Heat Oven to 350.
Old: Fruit Platter
New: Fruit Salsa with Cinnamon Chips

Photo from Salad Pride.
Old: Spinach and Strawberry Salad with Poppy Seed Dressing
New: Blueberries, Goat Cheese, and Spinach Salad

Photo from Zoe Bakes.
Old: Mint Brownies
New: Mint Chocolate Macarons

Photo from Cheeky Kitchen.
Old: Sprite Fruit Punch
New: Lemonade with Fruit Ice Cubes

What’s your favorite food served at bridal or baby showers?

--
Ashley Evanson is the Online Editor at LDS Living. She is a self-proclaimed foodie and loves looking at design blogs, wishing she could be as hip as the people she reads about. Her favorite color is light tan.

Timeless Etiquette

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 00:07:00 -0600

by LDS Living staff
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: *Take our etiquette poll here.

In conjunction with the March/April LDS Living article “Modern Manners,” we have come up with a few classic situations where etiquette should always be considered.

Some social graces do not diminish with time. These are a few things to remember whenever you’re with company.

Pregnancy Etiquette

Anyone who has been pregnant or has been in the company of pregnant women has seen that many typical social boundaries are put on hold. Here are some of the big no-nos when it comes to being around that “glowing” woman.

Belly Touching
The belly is off limits. This doesn’t bother some women as much as it bothers others, but uninvited touching is certainly inappropriate, especially for strangers. Ask before you touch. If you are the mother-to-be who deals with this problem, saying “I’m sorry; I’m uncomfortable with people touching my bump,” is appropriate for telling strangers to get away. Fending off friends is a little harder. Your best bet is probably to have your husband and best friend spread the word that you’d like to keep your belly to yourself.

Obnoxious Questions
“Should you really be eating that (fried chicken, donut, hamburger)?” “How much weight have you gained?” “Did you use fertility drugs?” And the worst one of all: “Was it planned?” It is never appropriate to ask whether or not the baby was planned, whether it be friends or family. If the mother wants to tell you it was a surprise, then that’s fine. Otherwise, keep your wonderings to yourself. As for the other questions, keep in mind that you would (hopefully) never ask an un-pregnant woman how much weight she has gained, or tell her what she should be eating.

By Any Other Name
When you attend a wedding, you always tell the bride how beautiful she looks, no matter how hideous you think the dress is. That’s the dress that made her feel like a princess, and it’s not your place to tell her differently. The same goes with a baby’s name. The name two parents choose is the name they want for the beautiful new member of their family, and they think it’s perfect. Unless you’re close with the couple and feel a responsibility to bring up a problem you think they may not have considered, keep your comments light and neutral.

Pregnancy and Labor Horror Stories
First-time moms are already nervous about their pregnancy, so it doesn’t help when you start telling about how your sister had to be on bed rest for the last two months and her baby still came 8 weeks early, or how your neighbor had to give birth on the side of the highway. When your friend or relative gets pregnant, just give her a big smile and say how happy you are for her and how you are sure everything is going to be great!

Social Gatherings

Here are some tips to take the focus away from your own insecurities and keep it on the other guests.

Introducing Yourself
You’ve wanted to meet a certain person for a while, and to your surprise, he or she shows up at a dinner you’re attending! The best way to make a good impression, says our expert, is to ask the person questions. “Say your name and how you got involved in the dinner, then start asking questions,” says Anna King, who teaches business etiquette at Brigham Young University. “It doesn’t matter if people want to get to know you; it’s enough that you want to know them. That’s enough to build a relationship.”

Extracting Yourself
If you find yourself talking to a not-so-interesting someone at a party, you don’t have to be stuck forever. “You have a few options,” says King. “One is to introduce them to someone else.”

Say, “It’s been a pleasure talking to you. I’d like to introduce you to so-and-so; you have this in common.” Another option is to excuse yourself politely to speak with someone else. King says you can say, “I see that this person is available, and I’ve been meaning to talk to them. Please excuse me.” Most of all, remember to be gracious and consider the feelings of your companion.

Weddings

There are more opinions than there are guests when it comes to weddings, and navigating the treacherous rules of wedding etiquette can be difficult or downright impossible when so many emotions and people are involved. Whether you are keeping it small and intimate, or inviting the stake, here is Mormon Wedding etiquette to help keep offense at bay and celebrators at play!

To Line or Note to Line
The most dreaded part of a wedding reception is not a secret. Whether you are a bridesmaid, bride, mother-in-law, or guest, the line can be an awkward and tiring experience for all. Is it needed? Consensus and etiquette emphatically state yes: a line is a necessary evil, but its length and duration is negotiable.

Formal weddings demand a line consisting of (in order) mother of the bride, mother of the groom, bride, groom, maid of honor, and lastly bridesmaids. Traditionally, the groom is the sole male in the line, and the fathers of the happy couple mingle nearby.

However, most Mormon weddings do not call for such a receiving troupe, and many instead opt for a small reception line—also appropriate—consisting of the bride, the groom, and the parents of each. This allows the couple to greet and thank each individual, who otherwise may not have an opportunity to greet the couple. It is a courtesy, but it is appropriate to create the line in such a way that not all guests are forced to speak with the parents and other bridal party members. The line also ensures that more than just a few people take up the couple’s time. It is also appropriate to have a line for only a portion of the reception. Mention so in the invitation.

If you decide to forego the receiving line, you must still greet your guests. However, be warned! You are very likely to find your own fun and enjoyment cut down by all the required table-hopping.

Receptions and Invitations
Who to invite? Since the ceremony itself is small and intimate, many Mormon weddings have a much larger reception. There are many appropriate ways to have a reception and the decision is, as all others are, up to the couple and the budget.

If there is no desire for a large, open-house, invite-the-ward reception, it is absolutely appropriate to limit the guests to family and close friends. The Mormon culture is very concerned with community, almost to the point of a “the more the merrier” mindset, but your wedding is not public domain. Some may choose to be offended at a lack of invitation, but all should understand the wishes (and budget) of the bride and groom.

If the couple is interested in sharing their special day with acquaintances, ward members, etc., a large open-house (with a receiving line, of course) is ideal. When sending out invitations, keep the lists to people you know—those who come to mind when you sit down to make a list. As fun as it is to have a big group and impressive present-pile, it is better to spend more time with people you care about.

Who from the family is invited? Be sure to specify in your invitation the type of reception you will be having and who is invited. If an invited individual may bring another guest or their family, address the envelope accordingly.

Generally, if you are not invited, do not go. Pay attention to the invitation and reception venue in order to stay within the bounds of etiquette. For example, if the event is catered or requests an RSVP, it is not appropriate to bring another guest. However, there is more lee-way when it comes to open house events. If you are not sure, it is best to contact the host.

Food
Although most receptions provide more than just wedding cake, it is inappropriate to come starving and planning to eat enough for today and tomorrow! Be aware of the food available and be prepared to skip the seconds.

For the happy couple: if a cake is all your budget can afford, that is perfectly fine. Etiquette does not demand a full spread. Guests do not need bribery to celebrate your wedding.

Gifting
Wedding etiquette states that guests have up to one year after the wedding to send a gift, but prompt wedding gifts are preferable (within three months). However, in the practical world, no gift is ever too late!

Consider the feelings of non-LDS friends and family members
Those who are not LDS will be disappointed to know they are not able to attend the temple marriage ceremony. If the individual is part of the wedding party, it is appropriate to invite them to the temple grounds to take part in pre- and post-ceremony pictures and celebration. Be sure there is an LDS family member or friend to stay with the individual to help them feel included and to answer any questions they may have. When close family members are not invited into the temple, keep the temple party as intimate as possible. (It may be more a slap in the face to a mother if one of her son’s friends is attending and she can’t.)

A ring ceremony is also appropriate and can help include loved ones. However, a full, public wedding-type ceremony in conjunction with a temple ceremony is not appropriate. Consult your bishop for ring ceremony guidelines.

Getting Hitched without a Hitch

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Weddings are a time of joy, wonder, and excitement. But what happens when you, as a member of the wedding party, feel a bit nervous? Scared? Or uncertain? Do you mask these feelings behind a veil of happiness? Here’s how to deal with the pre-wedding stress with flying colors.

Throughout our lives we receive messages from society telling us that an engagement and wedding involve only positive feelings; yet matrimony is a time of transition, and as such has all the human emotions that accompany it, including doubt, uncertainty, fear, and loss.

"These feelings are normal," says Sheryl Paul, author of The Conscious Bride and owner of a bridal counseling firm, Conscious Weddings. "The engagement, far from being a one-sided experience, includes as much sadness and fear as it does joy and celebration."

Mimi Licht, owner of Wisely Wed (wiselywed.com), a bridal counseling service for couples all over the country, agrees that brides and grooms often need some emotional help before the wedding day. Licht became interested in bridal counseling when she was counseling several couples going through divorce. "It's such a sad, painful experience for everyone," she remembers. "I thought, 'If people invested that kind of energy before getting married, it would all pay off in the end.' "

And while a wedding can be stressful for fathers, siblings, and friends, it can be an especially emotional ordeal for the bride, the groom, and their mothers--as well as nonmember friends and family members who may feel excluded by a temple wedding. Here are some tips for ensuring that they all have a great experience on the big day.

The Bride

You've been looking forward to your wedding day all your life. The white gown, the flowers, and the man you love looking at you from across the altar. And now it's all going to be yours. Why aren't you completely overcome with joy? Shouldn't the engagement be a time of bliss? Keep in mind that these uncomfortable feelings, while not pleasant, are completely normal. After all, you're planning a life-changing event.

The Big Issues Too much superficiality. Brides and their wedding parties often tend to focus more on the planning of the wedding rather than the most important things. Paul says that when brides suffer from emotional turmoil, they often distract themselves with the planning instead of talking about what's really going on. "They try to ignore what [they] think should not exist." Emotions such as doubt, fear, and worry are often considered "unsuitable" engagement emotions and are frequently pushed under the table.

Meaningful conversation is key to overcoming this. Paul encourages brides to talk to friends and family about what is going on internally. Be honest and frank, and make sure that most conversations cover more than "Which photographer are you using?" and "What type of dress did you buy?"

"Woman" to "wife" transition. Brides may feel like they are losing a part of themselves when they become engaged--that they are losing some independence, and may feel pushed into the role of "wife," causing them to feel a loss of their individuality. Many women are saddened or confused by these feelings. Will they lose their own identity by pledging themselves to another? "What happens is that [newlyweds] sometimes feel that they've lost all freedom as an individual," says Licht. "The truth is, the newlyweds need to learn to be a couple, but also need to have some separate time for themselves."

It can be helpful to talk to your fiancé about his expectations of you as a wife. Does he expect you to cook dinner daily? Always keep the house clean? Express your views about sharing the household responsibilities, and talk about having time for yourself. "This is an issue for most couples that comes up pretty early," states Licht. "Sometimes it takes a year or two to learn how to compromise time."

It is imperative that you and your spouse recognize the importance of personal time and respect each other's individuality--in the long run, this will strengthen your union.

Is he Mr. Right? When you were dating, your fiancé seemed like the perfect match. You were excited to get married. You were sure there was no way anyone could ever be funnier, sweeter, more handsome, or more spiritual. But since you've been engaged, you've started to wonder, "Am I really making the right choice?"

Licht says that these doubts are very common. "Once someone makes a commitment, like getting engaged, doubts creep in. They might start to think that the grass is greener on the other side. But there's no such thing as Prince Charming; everyone has their shortcomings." Try writing down the top three or four things that you admire about your fiancé and then think about them every time doubts arise. Hopefully, those things you love about him will silence the doubts you might be having.

However, you shouldn't dismiss all doubts. Licht suggests that fiancés take note of the frequency of doubtful feelings. "If something keeps gnawing at them, this could point to a red flag," she says. "If something doesn't feel quite right about the other person or your relationship, there is always the opportunity to discuss this with a professional to determine whether this doubt is justified or related more to your own anxiety." Try to determine on your own if the doubts you are having are based on something imperative to the relationship (such as a trust or honesty issue) or if it is a more low-key concern, such as an annoying habit.

If you are concerned about the former, you might want to put things on hold while you gain greater clarity. "There is never any harm in taking more time to make this important decision," says Licht.

Family and Friends: How to Help the Bride It can be difficult for friends and family to help the bride, especially if she is trying hard to hide her emotions. Even if your loved one doesn't appear to be struggling with her engagement, take the time to find out. Mimi Licht suggests that friends or family plan low-key get-togethers, not just bridal showers, so the bride and her loved ones have opportunities for open, meaningful conversations. These don't have to be big parties; in fact, they shouldn't be. They should be small, intimate gatherings, perhaps at a favorite restaurant or at a friend's home. Prepare some of the bride's favorite snacks and settle down for a few hours of conversation.

The Groom

You've fallen in love, and you're ready to take the plunge. At first, it was funny when your friends laughed about the "ball and chain" and how you have to ask your fiancée for permission to go out with the boys. But now the realization of what you're actually getting into has hit home. Are you really ready for this? Don't panic--lots of men have the same worries.

The Big Issues. New responsibility. The responsibilities of being a husband may be weighing on your shoulders. You need to get a job and support your family. You need to be the worthy priesthood holder in your home. You will eventually have children of your own. Being a husband is no easy task--and the thought of it might make you want to run back to your boyhood. "Connected to the loss of freedom is the realization that [a groom's] youth is over," says Sheryl Paul. However, step back and think of why you asked this woman to marry you. Is it the way she smiles? The way she supports all your dreams?

Being concerned that you are not up to handling these new responsibilities as a husband is completely normal. In fact, it's actually a good sign. That you are worried about your new duties shows that you are mature enough to realize that this is a big life change--one that is going to take some work. Take a look at how being a husband will change your life. Consider what you can do to prepare. Find a job, if you need to. Search the scriptures for answers to your worries. Attend the temple with your fiancée and think about why you love her, and how you are willing to make the sacrifices to support her and be with her forever.

"With marriage comes the reality that there is another person who is directly affected by your actions," says Paul. "Marriage solidifies a bond and commitment that defies tangible reality, and this can take some adjustment. On the other hand, you now have someone who is thinking about and considering you in her decisions and actions. This is one of the beauties of marriage."

Cutting the apron strings. Men are often brought up by such wonderful mothers that it's hard to leave them, even when there is a bright future ahead. "I see this quite a bit with the people I counsel," says Licht. "They have to realize that their loyalty needs to shift, that it is important for the couple to decide things together. The man needs to learn how to separate himself from his mother in order to have a healthy marriage."

While it's important to maintain healthy ties with your family, you, as a groom, need to understand that your primary allegiance needs to shift from your family of origin to your chosen wife. Your role has changed to "husband," which takes precedence over your role as "son." And men, keep in mind-the same is true for your bride and her family.

Family and Friends: How to Help the Groom Parents can make a big difference when it comes to their son's transition into marriage. Mom and Dad, sit down with your son and talk to him about his new responsibilities. Explain that you understand that his relationship with you is changing, and that he needs to put his wife above all else. A man often feels responsible for his parents and may feel guilty about the new relationship with his wife. If you, as parents, acknowledge and accept the change aloud, the transition from son to husband will be easier for him.

Friends, organize a meaningful bachelor party for the groom. If you do something that acknowledges his transition from bachelor to husband, it could help him to know that his friends support his decision. One idea is to have everyone give him a small gift to symbolize becoming a husband, like a tool kit, a dish towel, or a loaf of bread (being the primary breadwinner of the family). Of course, the party should not be all serious; after all, it is a bachelor party! The point is to make him excited about the transition, not sad at the life he's leaving behind. Have a great time and make sure the groom does too.

The Mothers

You've been looking forward to your child's wedding for years. Now that the day has arrived, you find yourself surprised at your feelings. A mother's place in the family changes after a wedding, and it's understandable that you would feel upset and uncertain about this. Not to mention you've got a wedding to plan and in-laws to deal with! What follows are some of the most common anxieties that mothers of the groom and the bride experience during the engagement period, and what you can do to accept and overcome them.

The Big Issues Experiencing loss. During the engagement, mothers may start to feel sad and confused, because their child is now going to be closer to someone else and become a new member of a different family. If they recognize the loss, though, they can also start to recognize what they gain. "That realization needs to sink in," says Licht. "Lots of new relationships come along with the children getting married, including grandchildren, in the future. Over time, the mothers need to realize that their lives will be enhanced, and the sense of loss will be lessened."

Displacement. Paul says that for mothers, focusing on the externals, such as the decorations, the dress, or the food, can temporarily abate the grief, fear, and the sense of feeling out of control. "No amount of outer planning will create an atmosphere of support, a secure launching pad, from which your [child] can enter marriage," she says.

Step back and take a look at your priorities. Have you been thinking more about tablecloths than your child? Both of you are going through a major life transition, so take the time to talk about it rather than hide behind color swatches.

Animosity toward the fiancé. You may have enjoyed getting to know your child's boyfriend or girlfriend while they were dating. You may have even expressed excitement over the possibility of your child's wedding. But now that the plans are set in stone, you may be experiencing some ill feelings towards your child's fiancé. Stacy Cole, a recent bride, went through this with her mother.

"My mom has always been my best friend," says Cole. "She is fiercely loyal, always on my side, and always had this idea that no one was good enough for her children. So this escalated when I told her I wanted to marry my husband." Cole struggled between her love for her mother and her love for her fiancé. Although she felt certain that she should marry Sam, her mother's feelings and outbursts were making it very difficult for her to make that decision.

"She made me feel like I was turning on her," recalls Cole. "It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do: act on something I knew was right even when family hated the idea."

"This is completely natural and common," says Paul. "The critical finger that mothers point at the fiancé is [often] a way to distract themselves from grief and other uncomfortable feelings. [But] the more you accept your feelings, the more space you will have to accept the new union. Seek to create an honest and open relationship with [your daughter- or son-in-law]." Paul suggests that you might share with him or her that while you are happy and excited about the upcoming marriage, you are worried about how it will affect your relationship with your child. Your future daughter- or son-in-law will appreciate your honesty and will probably follow your example to make a bigger effort to improve the relationship between you.

Family and Friends: How to Help the Mothers Be aware that, as a mother, your friend, sister, or parent might be feeling the conflicting emotions of both joy and sorrow. She could even be experiencing a sense of tremendous loss. "Family and friends just need to be there with minds open to this mix of feelings, being accepting of the negatives, which may get expressed under the surface," says Licht. "Most of all, they need good listeners."

But along with communication, mothers of the bride and groom need practical help as well. Offer to bring dinner, clean the house, or help stuff wedding envelopes. Even giving her a couple hours of your time could help her feel the love that she needs during this time of transitions. Also, try not to put more stress on her than needs be--even doing something as simple as giving her a couple weeks notice for visiting teaching (rather than a few days before) can make a difference.

Nonmember Friends and Family

Perhaps you are not a member of the LDS Church and you've waited years to see your daughter, son, niece, nephew, or friend promise his or her life to another. It may come as shock and disappointment when your LDS loved one tells you that he or she has chosen to get married in a temple--and that only LDS members in good standing with the Church may attend. It can be difficult to understand why your family member or friend would choose to exclude people on their wedding day, but it's important to try.

Ask your loved one why they are getting married in the temple. He or she will probably be happy to explain to you why the temple marriage ceremony is so important to them. If you are interested, someone might be able to set up an informal chat with a bishop or a member of the bishopric so that you can ask specific questions that the bride and groom may not be able to answer.

The Big Issues Not being included in the wedding ceremony. This is one of the most difficult things for people not of the LDS faith to understand and accept. Nonmembers tend to view temple weddings as exclusive, or even secretive. Not having the opportunity to witness the wedding ceremony can be very hurtful for a parent, relative, or close friend. However, it is important to remember that the bride and groom aren't choosing to keep you out of the ceremony--they are just choosing to have a temple ceremony. Even if none of their friends and family were able to attend, they would probably still choose to have a temple wedding, because it's not about the people there--it's about the eternal promises that they are making to each other.

Elaine Gray, an Elk Grove, California, resident who is not a member of the Church, experienced this when her son, Charles, was married in the temple. He had become a member of the Church while he was a teenager, and Gray learned from a friend that nonmembers were not allowed in the temple for the sealing ceremony. "When [Charles] proposed to Jenna, he told me they were going to get married in the temple. It was pretty devastating," says Gray. "But I went to my LDS friend, and I spoke to her about it. She said that I could visit a temple that hadn't been dedicated yet and go inside. There was a new temple a couple hours away that hadn't been dedicated yet, and we took a tour. It was very emotional, and [the guides] told me about the wedding ceremony--it sounded beautiful. When we went to Oakland [on their wedding day], I had that visual of Charlie and Jenna kneeling at the altar. I could see it all. But it was still really hard [not to be there]."

Gray feels that parents need to respect their children's decision on the day of their wedding, even if the wedding goes against their parents' wishes. "I think people need to not worry about themselves so much. We have to set ourselves aside and say, 'this is our child,' and let them think for themselves."

If you are unable to tour a temple, visit lds.org and click on "Family History and Temples," then "Purpose of Temples." Here, you can find several articles written on the purpose and importance of temples by some of the leading Church authorities. These will help you understand why the bride and groom made the choice to have a temple wedding.

Victims of missionary overkill. Many nonmembers fear being cornered by well-meaning friends or relatives when they attend LDS wedding receptions. Members of the Church are encouraged to share the gospel, and if they share it with you, it's because they care about you. If you're not interested in hearing about their beliefs, be patient and kindly say so. If they persist, tell them that you are here to celebrate the wedding, and now is not the time for a missionary discussion.

For Friends and Family: How to Help Nonmember Loved Ones Be honest and open with those unable to attend the ceremony. Be kind and take into account the hurt they may be feeling, but don't be apologetic--tell them how excited you are that you are getting married in the House of the Lord.

When creating your guest list for the temple, keep it limited. All temple sealings should have a small guest list, as it is a very personal ceremony, but when nonmember loved ones are involved, the list should be made even shorter. Avoid inviting extended family and friends so as not to wound feelings further.

One of the most popular options for couples with a lot of nonmember family and friends is to have a ring ceremony later in the day, apart from the temple ceremony. Ring ceremonies may not take place on the temple grounds, and should not be treated as a faux wedding, but can still be a wonderful way to include non-LDS family members and friends. Ask your bishop about what the ceremony should entail.

No matter your part in the wedding, do all in your power to make it joyous. Plan ahead--emotionally as well as practically. Accept and acknowledge the magnitude of matrimony and the many feelings that accompany it. Most of all, be patient with and loving to yourself and others. Tremendous change yields tremendous growth. And what growth is more wondrous than the creation of a new family unit, the marriage of a loving man and woman? Your wedding day really can be the happiest day of your life!

Can't Pay for Her Wedding

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How do we let our daughter know we can't pay much for her wedding? Dear Dave,

Our daughter is 24, engaged to be married, and we can't afford to pay for the kind of wedding she wants. My husband and I have had some financial difficulty over the last few years, and we are finally beginning to slowly dig our way out. On top of this, we're still paying on her student loan from college. Should we let her know the situation up front, and how can we keep from feeling guilty about things?

Gina

Dear Gina,

The big thing is that first you and your husband should be on the same page. You need to come to a decision about exactly what you're willing and able to do. It doesn't sound like it will be much, though. Especially if you're trying to get your own finances in order and still paying on her student loan.

Now, how do you not feel guilty about all this? I think that's a personal journey you'll both have to take. A wedding is a wonderful thing, but it's not any less wonderful when it doesn't cost an arm and a leg. It also doesn't make you child abusers or bad parents just because you're not willing to go $20,000 into debt to throw a fancy wedding!

I think, too, that you owe this kid some straightforward and honest communication. Most 24-year-olds don't have a firm grasp on reality. Even at that age, they don't think about where the money's coming from. They're just bopping along and assuming Mom and Dad will pull thousands of dollars out of the air for a big Barbie and Ken wedding. She needs to know that things just aren't like that in the real world.

Let her know that you love her and want to help, but you're going to be very limited on what you can do financially. Besides, you can have a great wedding without throwing around lots of cash. A marriage is about love, not dollar signs. And when it comes to the money, a wedding is like anything else you'd buy. My rule of thumb is pay cash or don't do it!

-Dave

My Great Idea: LDS Bachelor Parties

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Chris McClellan
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Before my youngest brother got married, I mentioned to a non-LDS friend that we were throwing a bachelor party. My friend looked incredulous. "Why? You won't look at girls, or drink, or tell dirty jokes. What’s the point?" He was sure we were in for the most boring night of our lives. As the oldest of six now-married brothers, I had to adapt the traditional bachelor party idea to our Latter-day Saint family. By the time the youngest was engaged, we'd learned to use this traditional male bonding experience to celebrate my brother's spiritual growth and commitment to his sweetie. We didn't just have a great time - we strengthened our relationship as brothers.

Party Fun

It was important to treat the probably high-strung groom to casual, light-hearted, and relaxing entertainment. At our last party, the evening started out with pizza, pop, and video games. This didn't win us any awards for originality or spiritual value, but it gave everybody a good laugh.

Grooms with more clever siblings might find themselves treated to a fishing trip, horseback riding, or their favorite sporting event. The particular activity doesn’t matter as much as the lingering feeling of camaraderie does.

Great Gifts

What about a bachelor party gift? Brides-to-be in our culture often get pretty great shower gifts. In fact, the idea for our male get-togethers really arose from our desire for "something like a bridal shower, only for us guys." Avoiding the vulgar gifts of a typical bachelor party, we chose gifts to boost the groom's confidence that he would succeed in marriage.

A tool set, for instance, could assure the groom of our confidence in his ability to maintain and fix things around the house - or at least to learn to maintain and fix things. Household gifts, like an iron or a set of kitchen knives, could gently remind a young man that a couple is equally yoked, and the household division of labor is best worked out by the partners as they learn to live together.

Games

Perhaps the best gifts at our bachelor parties didn't show up on any wedding registry. They were words of support and the wisdom that comes from experience - delivered via our own twist on the game of "Spin-the-Bottle." Whomever the bottle pointed to had to tell a story about the groom or share marital advice. The guys there all loved the groom like a brother, so we had fun and got to know him even better, but not at his expense.

The game gave us a party venue to share lessons about living with and loving someone, lessons that tend to fall in the cracks between what a young man gleans from a "dad talk" or priesthood lesson, and the locker room talk that often passes for wisdom. The fact that we could laugh and talk and share was a powerful affirmation of our brotherhood.