Mormon Life - Single Saints tag

{Single Saints} Greener Pastures Right Where You Are

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Greener in future dating pastures? With his trademark humor, our bachelor-in-residence Ryan Kunz thoughtfully examines the quandary many singles face.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being single, it’s that the grass isn’t always greener in future pastures. I typically have a disdain for clichés, especially those that assume I share behaviors with livestock, but this one describes how I sometimes feel.

Have you ever been in this situation? You’re graduating soon and don’t want to date until you’re done with school. (That’s me.) Or you don’t really love your ward and can’t muster the desire to get involved. (Been there.) Maybe you’re simply not satisfied with the current set of available eligible bachelors/bachelorettes. (Oh, pick me!)

When I’ve been stuck in such a quandary, I’ve found myself longing for an old man sitting upon a mountaintop who could offer sage words of wisdom regarding my dating life. However, since my life is somewhat devoid of old men, at least those who habitually take up residence on the tops of mountains, I decided to consult my parents.

As usual, my parents were founts of irritatingly wise counsel.

My dad gave me that stern look that only fathers can give and told me I was never going to get married if I kept looking at things this way. It’s good to plan for the future, he said, but if we live only in the future, we miss out on the present. (He told me something to that effect. I may have fortune-cookied his words a little bit.)

My mom told me that I needed to stop thinking I’d be happy when some event in the future happened. I needed to be satisfied now with conditions and make the best of where I was.

And so there I found myself. I could continue to disdain everything about my current situation, or I could make the best of it.

Don’t go thinking that this counsel altered my paradigm of life, instantly made me a happier person, and made skipping my normal form of locomotion. Any shift in belief or behavior takes time. I’m still trying to take my parents’ advice. Resolving to live more in the moment, especially when it comes to dating, is one thing, but seeing results is another.

Blooming where I’m planted, as they say, involves serving in my calling, regardless of how high-profile that calling is. It means home teaching the guys in my ward just as diligently as I home teach the girls. It means giving everyone a reasonable shot when picking out people to date. And—this one can be tricky—it means being satisfied with myself and where I am in life while still striving to always improve.

It’s not easy, but at least I’m trying. That, I think, might make all the difference in the end.

{Single Saints} Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Alexa Justesen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Breakups. We’ve all been there, whether you’re the breaker-upper or the break-up-ee. While I'm no dating expert, I've found through my own trial and error that these eight steps help to heal the heart.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of breakups in the past. Some ended well, some ended badly, but all were hard to deal with at the time. Knowing that something you put hard work, effort, and time into has suddenly ended is tough to accept and let go. However, as much as we may believe life is over, it’s important to know that it is possible to move on, get better, and see the silver lining in the end. The phrase “hindsight is 20/20” can be hard to believe in the moment, but I promise it’s true.

Been on the receiving end of a break-up recently? While I am by no means a relationship expert, these are some tricks that I’ve found to be effective in getting over a breakup and moving on. (Guys: while my tips come from a female perspective, they'll work for you, too.)

1. Take time to grieve. It’s okay to take a few days, buy a box of chocolates, and watch some movies. No one expects you to jump back on the dating bandwagon immediately, and it’s even best if you don’t. However, make sure to emerge from the depths of your living room couch after a little while. Find a hobby, go to the gym, and start to slowly find activities to take your mind off of the breakup. And most importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you have a break down every once in a while. That’s natural, and it happens.

2. Eliminate the “maybe.” “Maybe” is a tough little word. Sometimes after someone breaks up with us, we want to believe that “maybe” he’ll see he was wrong and come back, or “maybe” this breakup isn’t a permanent thing. And maybe those things will happen, but it’s important not to dwell on them. By dwelling on the “maybe,” your heart will get broken even more if nothing ends up happening. By moving on, you can put the pieces back together, and if things do end up working out again, you’ll be in an even better place. Who knows; by moving on, you might even realize your life has gone forward and you don’t want to get back together!

3. Cut the person off. This is a tough one. His Facebook page is right there, ready for you to look at. His text messages are still on your phone. My advice? Get rid of them. Delete the texts. Try to avoid looking through photos, e-mails, etc. for a period of time. While it can be hard, a clean break is the best way to start fresh. Sometimes by trying to stay friends immediately after the relationship ends, the “maybe” creeps back in and it becomes impossible to move on. If you do want an eventual friendship, it can come with time. Don’t jump into it before you are ready. You need time for those romantic feelings to disappear, and when you are surrounded by constant reminders of the relationship, they won’t.

4. Surround yourself with friends and family. Friends want to be there to help you, so let them. It has always surprised and touched me at how willing my friends have been to help me with whatever I’ve needed. Let visiting and home teachers know what’s going on. They want to help you, too, and they will. Talking it out can help, and often hearing the viewpoints of others lets us see things that we couldn’t or didn’t want to see while in the relationship.

5. Make yourself over. A breakup can be the perfect time to evaluate how you’ve been doing. Want to change up your hair? Do it. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Join a gym, take cooking classes, clean out your closet. Life is on your terms now. The best way to feel better is to make yourself better.

6. Make a playlist. I identify with music, and good song lyrics seem to recognize better how I feel than I do. There are great songs that will help you get through the sadness or anger. Then, make sure to move on and listen to happy, uplifting music when you are ready to be in a good mood!

7. Have faith that everything will work out. I'll say it again: hindsight really is 20/20. With most of my breakups, I am at the point where I can look back now and say, “Now I know why it wasn’t supposed to work.” Getting that answer takes time, so let yourself have it. And it will come.

8. Fake it til you make it. This is my dad’s favorite phrase, and I never believed it until I realized it’s true. Sometimes, by putting on a brave face and pretending you’re fine and happy, you realize that you really are, or are very close to it. So if you're finding it hard to find the faith that everything will work out, fake it. Faking a smile when you feel like diving into a box of tissues is tough, but it really will lift your mood. I promise.

While no breakup is fun to go through, the hurt will go away with time. The most important thing to do is to stay positive that wounds will heal, life will go on, and each day will get even better than the last. Because they will!

{Single Saints} Making Long Distance Work

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Some might say long distance is the wrong distance when it comes to relationships, and long run, they're right. But plenty have had success. The key is communication.

One of my favorite treats is the French bread pizza. It’s an ingenious upgrade on the standard pizza design, can be ready to eat in five minutes, and comes with a handy tray for catching crumbs while you’re eating on the living room couch. However, though it comes in a package of two, even a pair of them is not quite enough to satisfy my hunger, and the price tag is a little more than I’m willing to spend on anything less than the kind of meal that results in my collapsing on the couch afterward in stuffed satisfaction. In other words, I love it, but I have to enjoy what I can get because it’s never quite enough.

I think a long-distance relationship is a little like that French bread pizza. When you’ve got someone you care about but that person is too far away for you to see with any frequency, you’re often forced to make do without certain relationship luxuries, like physical contact or traditional quality time.

I’m still trying to figure this out, but I do have a few ideas.

Have a goal in mind. It doesn’t have to be marriage or anything dramatic, but I do feel it’s crucial to your relationship to set a timeframe and something you’d like to accomplish during that time. You might even suggest that you go for three months or so and then stop to evaluate where things are going. On the other hand, some might stress that it’s important to just let the right thing happen. Either way, you should makes steps to assure you are both on the same page.

Frequent communication. We live in an age blessed with myriad means which with to communicate. Some couples might feel comfortable with daily texting conversations; others might prefer calling or video chat. I suggest mixing it up a little; perhaps you can have a regular Skype day every week, but communicate however you want in between sessions.

Trust. You’re hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles apart. You’re both going to have exciting lives, regardless of one another’s absence. It’s too much to ask to stay inside and refrain from human contact. Trust each other to stay true; maintain honest communication.

There’s no sure formula for making relationships work, especially long-distance ones. However, There’s a common theme throughout all of these suggestions: communication. When you’re separated, communication is all you have left — so you’d best utilize it.

Your turn: What worked (or didn't work) in any of your long-distance relationships?

{Single Saints} Dating Mythbusters, Part 2

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by Emily McClure
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Part 2 of my experiment with common date-getting techniques. See how Facebook stalking, eye games, compliments, and repetition measured up.

Last week we started exploring the wiles girls use to get guys to like them in Dating Mythbusters, Part 1.

1. Be straightforward; guys like girls who ask them out.

 2. Accidentally bump into a guy and then play the “shy” act.

 3. Tell someone to tell a guy you’re interested in him. Wait for the guy to make the next move.

 4. Touch the guy’s elbow.

Here’s part two, with four more experiments in the dating world by some of our LDS Living staff.

 5. Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met.

 6. The glance: make eye contact with a guy until the peak moment, then smile and look away. 

7. Compliment the guy and then keep asking questions about him. 

8. Make sure you interact with the guy a lot. Repetition is the key to getting him to remember to fall in love with you!

(Note: names have been changed to protect the privacy of the poor subjects.)

5. Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met

Alexa, Intern

What do you do when you meet a cute guy at a party, feel that “spark,” but then get separated when your roommate wants to leave because her ex shows up? Simple. You Facebook stalk him and send him a message. But does this work? I tried it out—twice—to find out.

Depending on your previous in-person meeting and how you write your message, you can either come across as total creeper or as cute girl who might have some interest.

Rule number one: Once you find him on Facebook, DON’T friend request him just yet. Sometimes I feel a little weird when people I hardly know add me as a friend, and this might look just a bit desperate. Send the message, wait for a response, and if you get the green light, hit that little “request” button.

Rule number two: Craft the body of the message carefully, making sure to pay attention to good grammar and spelling. It will help you come across as more mature and intelligent. Also, ask a question. In the example below, I asked a question about him. He had a reason to write back. Third, no desperation, just a simple statement letting him know you enjoyed talking and would love to again. In my message, I put myself out there just enough that if he decided he doesn’t want to write back, there is no broken heart. Nice, simple, and confident. Here’s a "cute girl" message:

Hey Fred,

It was great to meet you the other night. I’m sad we didn’t get to finish our conversation about the evolution of butterflies, but my roommate needed to leave and I was her ride. But hey I never got to hear your thoughts about when the butterfly finally escapes from the cocoon, and I’d be really interested to know what you think. I’ll hopefully talk to you later, and good luck with that test you have this week!

-Alexa

I also wrote a creeper message to "George" that had awful spelling ("2's" instead of "to's") and too much information (drama with my roommate over her ex-boyfriend), and was too long and too pushy. Lastly, I did the creepiest thing I can imagine: I let him know I had to drudge through Facebook to find him. Just don’t do that.

So now that we have established how to write a subtly-hinting Facebook message, it’s time to hear the verdict:

Message back from Fred a few days later, with friendly banter an request for a phone number (for more talk of butterflies). Perfect! There’s one date in the bag.

As for George . . . I’m still waiting to hear back.

6. Smile and peek a glance at a guy

Ruthann, Circulation Manager

The results of this suggestion were . . . okay. I saw a new person at an event and thought he looked interesting. I was standing pretty close to him while talking to some friends. One of my friends knew this guy and turned to start talking to him about some business ideas. I glanced up and smiled. Eventually they ended up joining our conversation, and I chatted with this guy for about 3 minutes before we both had to leave. And that was it. So did I get to meet this guy? Yes. Did it result in talking to him in the future? As of now, no.

7. Compliment a guy and ask questions

Mandy, Intern

I believe that most people just want to be validated—they want to be heard and they want to feel important. So I figured that asking a guy lots of questions and complimenting him would be a surefire way to get a date.

I chose to practice this tip on Jason, whom I had met a couple months before and, as Taylor Swift puts it, was enchanted by. I had never made a concerted effort to get him to ask me out, so once I decided to try, I went all for it. In fact, I may not be qualified to write about this tip because I tried a lethal combination on Jason: I let one of his friends know I was interested, I tried the elbow touch (okay, to be honest, I practically massaged his arm), and I asked lots of questions and complimented him. My roommate also made fun of me for bee lining it to talk to him after a church meeting. Mind you, all of this happened within a day, so when he didn’t ask me out right away, I thought maybe my attempts had been overkill.

I spent about a week thinking that the tips just didn’t work—or, heaven forbid, I was a creep—before I decided to move on. If Jason wouldn’t fall in love with me after all that, nothing would work. But then one night, nearly a month after the possibly overwhelming occasion, Jason called and asked me out. Needless to say, it’s good to know I’m probably not too creepy . . .

8. Repetition (lots of interaction)

Mandy, Intern

Matt started out as a friend, but after getting to know him a little better, I decided I needed to make him fall in love with me. This is a big feat, I know, but I think it’s better to shoot for the stars than the clouds, right? So I did what everybody would do with such a daunting task at hand: I became a bit of a stalker.

Okay, before you cast judgment and picture me standing outside his window with a dozen long stemmed roses, I swear it was simple. I just figured out where he studied in the library and started studying there too—I didn’t even learn where his classes were, so, in my opinion, my stalking was pretty innocent. He didn’t seem to notice that I just so happened to start studying in the same place, or else he didn’t let on that he did. But because of this, I started seeing him a lot.

I didn’t go every day (I did have other things to do), but I went enough that he wasn’t surprised to see me anymore. We had great conversations in the library and our friendship grew stronger. I totally wasn’t his type—he normally would have dated the tiny blonde cheerleader type, while I am a completely un-athletic brunette, and maybe a little too opinionated. But I think the repetition may have convinced him to give it a shot with me. It took a while for us to finally go out, but when we did, it was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.

Now I am a huge advocate of repetition—if you let someone go too long without seeing you, that awesome feeling that comes when he or she is with you could die. Don’t risk it. Don’t be a creepy stalker (play it safe!), but just . . . be around.

Emily's Ultimate Verdict:

In the four weeks of trying out these tips (and I tried them out on a lot of guys, as did my friends), I had guys I wasn’t even trying to attract ask me out, and I had guys I wanted to attract not ask me out. Some tips worked better with boys I’d known for a while, some tips just worked in general (complimenting anyone is always in fashion)—and some tips didn’t work for me at all. (I may have accidentally gained a reputation as a creeper.)

Here’s the thing: there really isn’t a magic formula to get a guy to ask you out. When it comes down to it, no amount of elbow-touching or peak-glancing is going to magically make a guy want to suddenly ask you out. All you can really do to make your dating life worthwhile is put yourself out there, have fun, be yourself, and any other clichés you’ve heard all your life. Eventually, everything falls into place. And, by the way, don’t elbow-touch a lot; just . . . don’t.

{Single Saints} Dating Mythbusters

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Emily McClure
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: As a comparatively naive dater, I wondered if it would help to get tips from my fellow females on how to get dates. Here's my verdict on their success, using a totally scientific experimental method.

Click here to read part 2.

I remember watching Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and asking my mother what Grumpy meant when he said, “And all females is poison! They’re full of wicked wiles!”

Naturally, I decided to extend this observation to the dating world. What wily tricks do girls use to get a boy’s attention? I always thought that if a guy could catch me wearing a ballgown and singing at my window, he’d be hooked. Then I realized, as a comparatively naive and non-wily dater, wouldn’t it be helpful to get tips from my fellow females and test them for the benefit of all women?

Game Plan: After contacting my most experienced friends and family, I compiled a list of the top tips I wanted to try out. As I put the list together, I kept thinking, Can it really be this easy? Are these really the time-honored secrets to dating?

1.    Be straightforward; guys like girls who ask them out.
2.    Accidentally bump into a guy and then play the “shy” act.
3.    Tell someone to tell a guy you’re interested in him. Wait for the guy to make the next move.
4.    Touch the guy’s elbow.
5.    Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met.
6.    The glance: make eye contact with a guy until the peak moment, then smile and look away.
7.    Compliment the guy and then keep asking questions about him.
8.    Make sure you interact with the guy a lot. Repetition is the key to getting him to remember to fall in love with you!

To ensure that my results were not skewed, I enlisted the help of some of my single coworkers here at LDS Living, and so began the great experiment. (Note: names of the poor guys who were afflicted by our dating awkwardness have been changed.)

1. Be straightforward; guys like girls who ask them out.
Emily, Intern

I’ve always been the sort of girl who believes guys should ask girls out, not the other way around. If I were being completely honest, I’d say I believe that because it scares the living daylights out of me to ask someone out. Nevertheless, in the interest of providing useful research to humanity, I decided to conquer my fears and ask a guy out.

I’d wittily bantered with this guy (we’ll call him Jarrod) for a while, but he hadn’t made a move, and I was getting impatient. One day, when we were working together and verbally sparring, our boss came up and said, “Jarrod, ask her out.” We both shrugged and laughed, and then I did it. I said, “Jarrod, ask me out.” He laughed, but I repeated in a more serious tone, “Ask me out.” And guess what girls—he asked me out. We went and ate expensive, delicious hamburgers, and then we saw a movie. Aside from the fact that our conversation was a little slow and we both kept our hands tight to our sides during the movie, it was a pleasant date. Did he ask me out for a second date? No. But did he ask me out for a first date after I asked him out? Yes.

2. Accidentally bump into a guy and then play the “shy” act.
Ruthann, Circulation Manager

At the end of a stake musical fireside, I saw an attractive guy who looked like a quality person and also happened to be wearing a terrific tie. My roommate suggested we could walk by him on our way to meet our friends and she could gently push me so I would end up “accidently” bumping into him. I could apologize, act shy, and then make a casual comment which would hopefully start a conversation.

Unfortunately, her “gentle” push sent me hurtling into him, resembling what looked like a football tackle rather than a gentle bump. As he was trying to recover from the unexpected hit, a look of surprise and confusion spread across his face (can’t really miss someone’s facial expression when you are about three inches away from it). I scrambled to recover and stand on my own two feet while keeping the red shade of embarrassment on my face from growing any darker. I was about to turn and run away when I realized I had agreed to make a least one comment. I mumbled something like “nice tie” before sprinting off, leaving the guy standing there with the look of utter confusion.

Maybe this could work for some people, but I would strongly encourage you to be aware of others’ strength and your own ability to stay focused.

3. Tell someone to tell a guy you’re interested in him and wait for the guy to make the next move.
Emily, Intern

I didn’t want to be the girl passing notes to friends and asking them if so-and-so liked me. But after really liking a guy (we’ll call him Chris) for awhile and feeling that he liked me, I decided it was time to take action (in a less direct way than asking him out). So, I talked our mutual friend, who we’ll call Rhetta, into telling Chris that I wouldn’t say no if he asked me out. Two days later, she told me the deed was done, and the ball was effectively placed in his court.

After two weeks went by and I heard nothing from him, I prepared to move on, but suddenly it happened: “Hey, what are you doing this weekend?” We went out on our friend-inspired date, and then a couple more after that. Moral of the story? If he’s even a little bit interested in you, getting a friend to tell him about your mutual attraction is a surefire way of getting a date.

4. Touch the guy’s elbow.
Kaela, Associate Editor

This is one of those Mormon college traditions of almost mythical proportions: if you touch a guy’s elbow, he’ll magically fall for you. Just like that. My sophomore year of college, my roommate and I decided to try it out. We debuted our experiment at a battle of the bands event and casually wandered the room wacking guys’ elbows as we passed by. We remained single.

But then we got smarter, and at a ward activity, we both made the goal to touch one of our FHE brothers’ elbows. And soon, we noticed things were not quite the same. The FHE brother whose elbow I had touched started stopping by a lot more to see me, hanging out a lot more with me at FHE activities, etc. The FHE brother whose elbow had been touched by my roommate asked her out—and now they’re married.

Here’s what I concluded: most girls never try this one out because, well, touching a guy’s elbow without coming across as really awkward is nigh impossible. You’re going much more into his personal bubble than normal. And if you’re already close enough to the guy to be able to do so without being awkward, you’re already close, so this just becomes extra fodder: you’re touching them, and not only are you touching them, but you’re doing so more intimately than would be normal.

Make sure you read Part 2 to hear stories of Facebook stalking, eye games, and more!

He's Amazing and Still Single . . . and What She Can Do about It

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Almost everyone knows an amazing woman who has so much to offer, yet the good man she is dating can’t seem to commit. Despite all the right signs, they not only don't get married, they break up. But a woman can do many things to help avoid this.

Last month’s article, "He’s Amazing and Still Single! Why?", described a group of highly eligible, attractive, and socially skilled men who, in spite of the fact that they date great women, remain single year after year.

The women who date these men also have common traits. They are often educated, attractive, confident, and socially skilled women. They are patient, kind, good listeners, and willing to do their part in relationships. They don’t react dramatically or inappropriately. They’re not excessively nagging. They are quick to read books on relationships and apply what they learn. And they don’t have many undesirable issues in their past.

Thus, these men often describe the woman they’re dating as “perfect.” Unfortunately, they often follow this up with, “But I just don’t feel an emotional connection."

What is going wrong? Is it her, him, or both of them together? How do these amazing women help these men to feel an emotional connection? If these men can’t commit to such wonderful women, then what hope is there that these men will ever marry, and what will become of these great women who, despite their best efforts, remain single year after year, too?

He needs to be the hunter, not the hunted.

One of the first things I teach women in this situation is that it works best for both of them if he is the pursuer of the relationship. This means he needs to initiate phone calls (and texts) three to four times more often than she does. He needs to ask to see her (which allows him to miss her and seek her out) rather than her dropping by his work, popping in to see him, or asking when they’re getting together. He needs to ask her to be exclusive rather than her immediately seeing only him and assuming that he feels the same.

To encourage and keep him in the pursuit role, I recommend that women use their warmth, femininity, appreciation, kinds words, and touch as positive reinforcements of the things he does, rather than giving gifts, making meals, or offering to pay for dates. Once she has done her part, she needs to sit back, relax, and trust that he sees what she has to offer and that he will pursue her and invest in the relationship.

He needs to sacrifice to feel love and have fun to feel connected.

The more deeply he sacrifices the more deeply he loves and making physical sacrifices (like phone calls, picking her up for and paying for dates, doing things for her, and meeting her needs) are things these men are willing to do. All he wants in return is to enjoy her company and have fun. As a matter of fact, he needs to just relax and have fun for at least the first two to four months if he is to develop a strong emotional attachment.

Once he begins to worry about: 1) what she is feeling or thinking, 2) if she is too into him or too anxious for commitment, or 3) if she is hurt and disappointed by his slow (but consistent and persistent) efforts to pursue her, then he will feel anxious and even trapped.

It’s not that he wants out of the relationship. It’s that pressure for commitment causes him to analyze very closely what he’s feeling (or not feeling) and anxiety impedes his ability to have spontaneous positive emotions. When he is having fun these complicating emotions are kept to a minimum.

They need to fight the pressure together.

Pressure and anxiety are inevitable in all relationships, but a woman can talk with him about the situations that cause him to feel pressure (i.e., meeting the family, going to work parties, holding hands at church) and express a willingness to come up with solutions together to fight the pressure—because she isn’t the problem and he isn't the problem—the pressure is the problem.

She doesn’t need to take the pressure away. She just needs to show him that together they can reduce the pressure, which will also deepen their emotional attachment to each other, versus him trying to reduce the pressure on his own by withdrawing from her and the relationship.

They need to resolve her feelings and needs together, too.

If a woman does not express her feelings and needs to him with positive solutions that will resolve the situation, she will begin to feel stressed, alone, and impatient with the slow-moving reality of their relationship. (Consequently, she will be more likely to push for commitment or break up.)

All men are repelled by criticism and nagging, but a man does value and appreciate when a women expresses her feelings and needs while also communicating her faith in his goodness. He wants to help, he just doesn’t know what to do unless she tells him and explains how much it means to her. To do this, she can simply state that just as they’re fighting the pressure together, she needs the two of them to work together to make her feel more secure in the relationship. She can then give examples of what he could do that would help resolve her fears.

The more the two of them work on these combined issues, the more deeply they will feel bonded. This is a more useful conversation and goal for them to work on together than her talking about when they are going to get married and what’s wrong with him or her that he feels like withdrawing every time the conversation comes up.

With a secure attachment in place and a pattern of resolving problems together, it will be easier for both of them to feel more secure and connected, and as such more inclined to more forward with marriage.

To learn about the additional complicating factors that contribute to this pattern, and to listen to a one-hour audio in which I discuss this pattern (and what singles can do to break it) with three men and four women who struggle with it, visit itsyourtechnique.com. There you can also get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

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Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the “It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique” dating system.

{LDSL Blog} Best of: Stories of the Week, Mar. 3-9

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 00:11:00 -0700

by LDS Living
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Check out which stories made up the best of LDS Living for the week of March 3 through March 9, 2012.

We all love a good story. And what better way to find out the best of the best than seeing what people found most interesting? For the week of March 3 to 9, 2012, these are LDS Living’s top online stories:

Top 5 LDS Living Stories:

1. {Single Saints} Is Success the Kiss of Death for a Single Woman? {Vera Taylor}

2. Czech Republic gives prestigious award to LDS couple {Emily McClure}

3. {Poll} Birthing Methods {Ashley Evanson}

4. FHE: Individual Worth {Shauna Gibby}

5. {Food Dish} Contest: Best Dessert Bar Recipe {LDS Living}

Top 5 Mormon Report Articles:

1. First Presidency letter: Church asks members to understand policies {LDS Church News}

2. Church statement on race and the Church {Newsroom.LDS.org}

3. NPR: What the IRS could learn from Mormons {NPR}

4. Video: God will lift us up {Mormon Channel}

5. Recalling the Mormon who tried to save Anne Frank {Deseret News}

Top Video:

Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sings Mid-flight Song {YouTube}

{Single Saints} Is Success the Kiss of Death for a Single Woman?

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Vera Taylor
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I've been confronted with some surprising reactions from others to my professional success, and it has me wondering if the career I didn't choose overshadows the life I would choose in a heartbeat.

I have a good job and recently got a promotion at work. Shortly after the promotion was public I ran into an old friend--a guy who I was in a singles ward with several years ago. He is around my age (mid-30’s), single, educated, has a decent job, and is an overall nice and quality guy. We caught up on each other’s lives and I mentioned my promotion. Instead of saying “congratulations” or “that’s awesome” the first words out if his mouth were: “Be careful.”

What?!!?

He followed that up with “Don’t get too successful; we want you married sooner rather than later.” (Yeah, I don’t know who “we” is either.)

I wish I had a super smart comeback to say to him but instead I froze up and then laughed it off. However, his comment nagged at me all night, and I have thought about it many times since.

Let me be clear: I know he was well meaning, and I don’t want to unfairly criticize and single him out since I have heard similar comments from other sources. I do, however, want to comment on the inference that being a successful woman in the workplace diminishes opportunities to get married.

I have heard the statistics that the more educated a woman is the less likely she is to marry. I have heard the same sentiment expressed about successful working women. What I don’t really know is . . . is it true?

I'm guessing these statistics/assumptions stem from women who have pushed off marriage and children in order to climb the corporate ladder. And I know there are women who consciously choose career over family. But honestly, I don’t know too many single Mormon women that fall into those categories. I do know plenty of single women that are working, doing well in their careers, getting promoted, and enjoying what they do, but most are still actively hoping for and seeking a relationship that will end in marriage and motherhood. And before that future is realized (if it is ever realized), what are we supposed to do?

I realize my friend’s problem isn’t with me having a job. So, is it that I’m doing well at it? I would think a guy would be thrilled to date a woman who is doing well in her career. Right? I mean, think of the 401K she has started! The down-payment their combined incomes could procure!

Is it an ego thing? I know some men worry they can’t provide a woman what her dad provided for her family, so is worrying that he can’t provide the same way she can an extension of that insecurity?

Is it because a man needs to feel needed, so he is more attracted to the kind of women who, well, need him more? It is true that I don’t “need” a man to financially provide for me. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to have one to rely on. And to take my car in to be serviced. And do anything that requires advanced power tools. (See, I’m needy!)

It is easy for me to excuse his comments as ridiculous and to exclaim that any guy who has a problem with or is intimidated by my success isn’t the right guy––but perhaps that oversimplifies the issue. Is it possible for the career you didn’t choose to prevent you from having the life you’d choose in an instant, if the right opportunity presented itself?

Deep down I just don’t believe this to be true. I can’t believe it. I do suspect, however, that all the presumptions and prejudices we develop around jobs, circumstances, appearance, etc., just make it that much harder to find the right person. To be fair, I am not innocent of making unfair judgments about, for example, never married guys in their late 30′s/early 40′s. I automatically assume they are either commitment-phobic or socially challenged. Not fair; true sometimes––but not fair.

I suspect no matter what our circumstance, it would behoove us to be a little more careful with our judgments and assumptions. I’ll try if you do.

{Single Saints} Taking Heat off the Marriage Pressure Cooker

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Mandy Slack
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "You should be married!" is a fairly regular refrain for anyone who has remained single past the early 20s – including me. But a few of these strategies have kept me from getting down when the questions start getting old.

In the wee hours of the morning when most of the world is still asleep, I work in a bakery with a spunky Peruvian woman in her early forties who never hides what she thinks or feels. One day we were talking and she asked me (even though she knew), “How old are you? 20? 23? Oh no, 25!” I smiled, knowing what was coming next. And it came: “You should be married!”

This is nothing new for me, and I’m sure it’s nothing new for thousands of LDS singles above the perfect age of 21. We’ve probably all heard this statement in some variety or have been asked why we’re not married—the setting simply changes. Maybe it’s in a chapel where our loving leaders can’t figure out why we are not married; maybe it’s in the car with a parent who thinks you’re being too picky; or maybe it’s anywhere you see an old friend who genuinely cares for your wellbeing. No matter where it is, the pressure is on.

I think pressure can be a good thing—to a certain extent. Pressure to marry has motivated me to be more social, to take better care of myself, and to try to constantly improve. But, frankly, it also bugs me. I know it irks some of my friends, too; it can make us feel weird and haggard, which I don’t think anyone should have to feel simply because they are single.

I’ve thought a lot about pressure and how much it bothers me, but I’ve finally realized that it won’t ever go away—we can’t send a massive email to the world asking them to please cut us a break. Instead of trying to stop others from pressuring us, maybe we just have to learn how to handle the heat. Here are some things I think could help with the negative effects of pressure.

Joke

People don’t know how to handle it when you give an unexpected reply to their well-meaning questions and will often leave you alone if you respond with a joke.

When someone asks you why you aren’t married, say something goofy that will catch the questioner off guard. My roommate and I once made a list of humorous (to us, anyway) answers to this question; we came up with things like, “Well, I’m schizophrenic and that’s a lot for a man to take on,” or “Oh, I’m very happy with my cats right now.” When you joke, this not only can make people forget what they were asking, but it also seems to show them that you’re not bitter about being single, so they’re not quite as worried about you.

Realize You’re Not Weird

I’ve had friends in their late twenties or early thirties whose confidence waxed thin as they got older and remained single. They really thought they were weird just because of that. There have been moments when I’ve felt the same way, but I’ve realized I can’t let my relationship status determine how I feel about myself or my life.

The pool of LDS singles is vast, but even if it weren’t, it wouldn’t make you a weird person (maybe there are other reasons you’re weird, but aren’t we all?). There are thousands of LDS singles out there and no, they’re not all 18-21. Could all of us really be that weird?

Enhance Your Awesome

Obsessing over marriage will only diminish personality. If all you do is think about the “M” word, what will happen when some intriguing man or woman is actually sitting across the table waiting to hear what you have to say? I’ve known people who were extraordinarily sweet and genuine, but mostly just cared about getting married and as a result had practically nothing to say when a member of the opposite sex was around. I’m sure they would make great spouses, or even just boyfriends and girlfriends, but their lack of interest in other subjects seems to hinder romantic success.

Check out this talk about preparing for marriage. Elder Eric Shumway gives some excellent suggestions for improving while we are single, both spiritually and temporally.

Keep Looking for a Person, Not Just a Wedding or Marriage

This line from True to the Faith has shaped my spouse-searching strategy: “Before you marry, be sure you have found someone to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.” Yes, our church leaders want us to get married, but they don’t want us to just get married—they want us in it forever.

Are you still going out with that guy because your parents are dying for more grandkids or because he’s someone you could still love in fifty years? And guys, are you going after that girl because she’s cute and you’re the only one in your family not married or because you think she could make you happy in the long (and I mean really long) run? Sometimes when I’m infatuated with someone, I try to take a step back from my blinded self and ask, “Could I love this person forever?”

When the pressure’s on, it can be tempting to jump into something you’re not really sure about just to get it all over with, but forever’s a long time—is it worth risking?

{Single Saints} Confronting Cupid: For Singles on Valentine's Day

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I've heard Valentine's Day also called Singles Awareness Day (or, more appropriately, SAD). It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom for the single, though, no matter what Cupid says.

My original intention in writing this blog was to make a list of things you could do if you’re single in Valentine’s Day to take your mind off your lack of a lover. I meant to suggest that should you find yourself bereft of a boyfriend or girlfriend on this auspicious day, you could bake cookies with your roommates, learn to play the bagpipes, or use the time to finalize your zombie apocalypse preparedness plans. My suggestions were ridiculous—and then I realized it’s because the entire concept is ridiculous.

My suggestions were designed with the idea in mind that if you’re single on Valentine’s Day, you’re missing out—like you’re locked in your room while all your friends are in the middle of a pool party, forced to find ways to entertain yourself in lieu of real fun. Of course we all want someone; we all want companionship and love and babies and chocolates and cuddling and cute little “his/hers” bracelets. But we don’t have to feel excluded. That stuff will come. For now, just have fun.

That’s the message I decided to go with. If you’re single on Valentine’s, there’s no reason to mope. If you have the desire to gather your roommates and watch all of Lost while drowning in assorted treats of dubious nutritional value on this special day, go on ahead. But don’t do it because you’re single and depressed. Do it because you’re enjoying life.

We can remind ourselves on Valentine’s that our Facebook status perpetually lists us as single, but we shouldn’t dwell on it. It’ll all work out in the end. There’s nothing wrong with being single, and you know it. Have a good Valentine’s Day, and don’t treat your activities like consolation prizes. Maybe you’d rather be dating right now, but until then, live your life. Don’t stare out the window while morosely watching Cupid spread his arrows. Pick up an errant arrow and shove it right up Cupid’s cherubic nose.

He's Amazing and Still Single - WHY?

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 00:06:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We probably all know one or two men who are attractive and desirable; yet, for some reason they struggle with the decision to marry and remain single into their 30's or 40's. Truth is, there is a combination of factors that cause this delay - and all of them can be overcome.

Every ward has one or two single men who are simply amazing, and yet, year after year, they remain single.

These are men who have fulfilled honorable missions. They have a degree or two and a good job. They attend church regularly, fulfill their callings, go to the temple regularly, and do their home teaching. They stay fit, are socially skilled, and date good women. Yet these men remain single often stating they just haven’t found the one.

Are these men too picky? Are they afraid of commitment? Are they attracted to the wrong kind of women? Do they have some unknown mental health issue or pain from their past that is getting in the way? Or are they just so comfortable with being alone that they feel no motivation to get married?

As a counselor and dating coach who has worked with many men that fit this profile, I know that they do want to get married; they would prefer not to be alone. They also care deeply about doing the right thing and following the counsel of the prophet. And they, too, are concerned about what they're doing wrong.

Most of the time they don’t know if the problem is them or just that they haven’t met that one woman who will fix everything, but they are committed to doing what it takes to fix the problem. All they know for certain is that in spite of the fact that they date great women, they just don’t feel an emotional attachment and they don’t know why. Without this strong emotional connection they can’t feel confident about moving forward with marriage.

I have discovered several common patterns that point to an explanation of what is going wrong and how to fix it.

First, these men often suffer from excessive pressure caused by a common form of anxiety.

Because these men are high functioning in most areas of their lives, they often don’t recognize that the feelings of pressure and distress they feel prior to and in-between dates is due to a form of anxiety called anticipatory anxiety.

Part of what makes these men great is that they think of others’ feelings and don’t act impulsively; however, in this case they are often so concerned about hurting others that they feel anxious about disappointing the women they date. This causes additional pressure that makes them anticipate what their date may be thinking, feeling, or expecting. This creates even more anxiety and causes them to analyze what they are feeling (or not feeling) and take action quickly so as to not disappoint or hurt their date.

What they don’t realize is that this very concern actually inhibits their ability to have fun, relax, and feel a deeper connection. They analyze their emotions so closely that is is difficult for them to feel positive and spontaneous emotions. As time goes on, the added pressure makes it more difficult for them to believe that they will ever get out of the trap. Instead of realizing that their lack of emotional attachment is actually a result of their anxiety, they assume that something must be wrong with the girl they are dating: “If only she didn’t have _____ issue or behavior, perhaps I would feel more of a connection.” They then leave the relationship, hoping for that one woman with whom they will feel a connection.

Second, many of the women they date inadvertently add even more pressure.

Another common pattern in this problem is that the women these men date tend to become excessively available, accommodating, and committed too early in the process. These women will often call or text the men more frequently than the men call them. They will express a desire to see the men frequently and before the men have an opportunity to ask when they can get together. These women are often very understanding and supportive, which further adds pressure to the men to not hurt them. Although these qualities can be good qualities, in this circumstance, they end up actually turning the tables on the men.

These men do best when they are in the pursuit role. They need to be the hunters, not the hunted. It’s not that they want these women to play games or reject them, but they do want these women to be happily living their own lives, expressing their opinions, and pursuing other options. When that happens, these men can relax without worrying about what the women they date are feeling or expecting. When women are not anxious for commitment, these men feel less anxiety, and as a result their positive emotions come more easily. Only after investing in the women (without pressure) over a period of months (while also having a lot of fun), they feel a deeper emotional connection.

Third, when it comes to dating, these men feel spiritually disconnected from God.

These men have strong testimonies and many powerful spiritual experiences; however, when it comes to dating, mate selection, and the decision to marry, often these men feel that God is silent, which only adds to their fears and doubts.

One explanation for this silence is that most people who suffer from depression and anxiety feel spiritually disconnected from God. Without realizing the true source of the problem (their anxiety), these men often assume that the lack of answers means that the relationship is not the right one or the decision is simply theirs.

Without feeling a strong emotional attachment, these men just stalemate or break up. If only they had an undeniable answer to marry the person, then they could move forward with confidence. Of course, in most cases, God probably wants them to decide for themselves, but the different possibilities (and fear of making the wrong decision) only add to their doubt and confusion.

This anxiety and doubt can be lessened when others express faith and trust in them and in the many blessings that marriage will give them. In many ways, these men need an abundance of positive and faith-filled messages to combat their anxiety and strengthen their faith and confidence––rather than receiving criticism or lectures on why they aren’t progressing to marriage.

To learn about the additional complicating factors that contribute to this pattern, and to listen to a one-hour audio in which I discuss this pattern with three men who struggle with it, visit ItsYourTechnique.com. I also have a series of audios that walk men through the steps they can take to overcome this pattern and progress to marriage.

—

To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit itsyourtechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the "It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique" dating system.

{Single Saints} How to Play the Field Without Being a Player

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Kaela Worthen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I've been taught over and over to explore my options and not date exclusively too soon, but I've also been accused of stringing people along in my attempts to do so. Here's how to strike the perfect balance.

We've all heard it in every dating conversation, lesson, and fireside since we turned 12: don't date exclusively. Keep your options open.

Of course, we've also been taught, after we graduate and move on to the great big world of singles wards, that we should be seeking an eternal companion. Which usually requires, at some point, entering into an exclusive relationship.

But therein lies the question: at what point?

For me, that point is not one easily arrived at. Until I'm at least pretty positive I want to date this guy over every other potential male specimen out there, I'm not cutting off my options.

Unfortunately, this has led to some criticism from those around me. The man to whom I am now engaged accused me of stringing him along in the early stages of our courtship. My sister's boyfriend accused me of being a player because I was going out on dates with multiple guys at the same time (I was trying online dating at the time--you can read about it by clicking here) and told me I was being mean to all parties involved.

My mother, on the other hand, championed my cause, insisting that, until I was married, I needed to keep playing the field. Which meant I should never cut off options or turn down any dates--even if I was in an "exclusive" relationship.

I like to think I lie between those two extremes. If there are multiple guys I'm interested in, the only way I can know which one I want to pick above the others is by continuing to date all of them until one stands out from the rest. Then I'm totally willing--and thrilled--to enter into an exclusive relationship.

This will only work if you follow one rule, though: COMMUNICATE. I know I would be hurt if I thought things were going well with a guy and was head over heels for him, only to discover he was just lukewarm about me and still dating other girls. Make sure all parties involved know what the dating situation is. Tell him or her you're still seeing other people, and decide what physical boundaries are appropriate for whatever stage of courtship you are in: to some people, holding hands is just that. To others, it has more committment and meaning attached.

Someone who plays the field simply goes on lots of fun, casual dates. That's totally acceptable and encouraged within our Church. Just make sure those with whom you are going on dates know that's what they are. Someone who is a player goes on lots of dates with a person and misleads them into thinking the romantic relationship is something that it's not, leading to pain as they play with the other person's heart. That's not so nice. Communication is the key to doing the former instead of being the latter.

At least, that's my opinion. And since I'm now engaged to the man I once allegedly strung along, I think it worked out all right. But what do you think?

Your turn: Where do you draw the line between playing the field and player? When--and how--do you decide to enter into an exclusive relationship? When does it stop being acceptable to go on dates with other people of the opposite sex?

{Single Saints} E-mail Dating: An Impossible Proposition?

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by Vera Taylor
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: E-mail dating is a mixed bag. In my experience, it generally doesn't work, but there are a few things that can contribute to success.

There have been several times in my life where I’ve been set up over email. Always it is because the guy lived in another state (or country). I call this email dating. Email dating (in my experience) is never a good idea. Let me explain.

The first email dating experience I had was with a millionaire who lived abroad–and that is exactly how he was described to me. We wrote back and forth, really long and engaging emails every couple days for about 6 weeks. He was coming to my city for a visit and we were to finally meet then. The anticipation was pretty high for this date—I assumed our natural email rapport would translate in person. Short story: it didn’t. No matter, this was only my first experience with email dating and I assumed like all dating, the success rate is pretty low so I didn’t think too much about it.

About a year or so later I was set up with a new guy. This guy also lived abroad and this time the emails were even better. We wrote . . . a lot. Daily long emails were exchanged detailing our likes, dislikes, stories from our pasts, hopes, dreams, and little details about our day. I liked him (a lot), and he liked me back.

We took the intermediate step of talking on the phone before we met. The first time we talked it was a little jarring. We didn’t have the same flow our emails enjoyed and I didn’t love it. (I am sure this experience raised alarms in my mind but I just pushed them away as I was unwilling to question my feelings.) I was relieved the next day when I had a new email waiting for me and my “boyfriend” was back. We debated exchanging pictures and decided against it–we thought it would be better that way. (I know.) About 2 months into our virtual courtship we met. We even decided to meet on the street, it was all very romantic. We met and…nothing. He was perfectly nice and all but still…nothing. We both felt it right away. What I realized was the guy I thought I knew and really liked was part imaginary. In a way, he was me.

I vowed to never again invest myself in email dating. I am not going to say I refused to get set up with men over email after that, I still dabble. But always with a wary and rationally minded head. You see, on email you can edit yourself–most people put their best selves forward in writing. When you read the emails of your “date” you read the email in your head, using your voice and inflections. You fill in the gaps of what you don’t know about the person based on your own experience and past history. What it comes down to is this, whatever connection you are making, there is nothing that can replace the connection you establish in person.

So for what it is worth, here are my simple guidelines to successful email dating:

• Use email for a general introduction and only ask light-hearted get to know you questions.

• Stay away from detailing your life’s history, flirtatious admissions of interest, or sharing personal details you would normally confess only to close friends.

• Remind yourself at all times: I don’t actually know this person.

• Exchange photos. Having an image in your head of what the person actually looks like helps keep your reality meter in check.

• Meet. That is all, just meet—even if it means flying to see him/her. My rule of thumb is: if they live locally, meet within 3 email exchanges. If you are out of state or country, do your best to meet within a month.

Single Women: How to Get More Attention, Affection, and Commitment Now

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell, Dating Expert
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: To ensure that 2012 is the year that you get love, attention, and affection, avoid these five common dating mistakes and apply these five secrets for success instead.

A single woman may mistakenly believe:

if she walks across the room to meet a man, he’ll be more interested in her;

if she is excessively and easily available, he’ll want her;

if she is his friend, he’ll eventually fall in love with her;

if she takes care of him, he’ll appreciate her;

if she provides sex, he’ll commit to her.

Although women who believe these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. And the reason why is simple: Men love through sacrifice (theirs, not hers).

Men love through sacrifice

Many women prevent men from making sacrifices by doing too much of the work. When you give him your number before he asks for it, call him, drop plans to be with him, hang out (instead of expecting him to take you on dates), do things for him, and (worse yet) act sexual with him, you deny him the privilege of sacrificing for you. The more deeply a man sacrifices the more deeply he loves. Thus, the more you do for him, the less he does for you, and the less he feels for you.

To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .

Use your femininity and warmth to encourage a man to invest in you. Smile and wave at him from across the room. Engage fully in conversations with him. Learn and use his name, smile at him, and touch him when talking with him. Accept his offers to open a door, carry something, or help you (and show gratitude when he does). And instead of lingering too long, leave him with a challenge by stating you need to go but would like to get to know him better - then walk away, trusting he'll ask for your number if he's interested.

Show more faith in him and his sincere interest in you by not being immediately available. Strike a balance between being excessively available and too busy for him by responding to his calls within 20 minutes to 2 hours. And when responding to pointless texts, text back with “Sorry. I’m pretty busy right now. But I would love to talk with you on the phone later today. I will be available between 6 and 7 p.m. I’d love it if you call me then :-) .” And when he asks for a date at the last minute, respond warmly by saying, “I’m so sad. I’m not available tonight, but I’d love to get together with you on Tuesday.”

Save your weekends for dates (not guy friends). Show men that you are happy and confident by making plans and doing fun things with others. If he asks to spend time with you at the last minute (and especially on the weekends), kindly say, “I’m sorry to ask, but I don’t know how to act unless I know: would this be hanging out or a date? The reason I ask is because I save my weekends for dates.” Pause and wait for his response. If he says it’s a date, say “Great!” and accept. If he says it’s hanging out, act warm and unaffected and say, “Thanks, that helps. I’m sorry, but I'll need to take a rain check. I’m sure you understand.” Then smile and walk confidently away, with gratitude that you discovered the truth and can give the best of yourself to only those men who invest in dating you.

Match his efforts, don’t exceed them. Men like to be the hunters, not the hunted, yet they will gladly let you take over and do all the work if you’re willing. To ensure that he becomes (and remains) fully engaged in the relationship, step back and follow his lead instead. Wait for his call rather than calling him (do return his calls when he leaves a message). If he calls you three or four times, then call, text, or email him on occasion to show him that you will invest too. Just don’t do these things more often than he does or he’ll feel less of a need to contact you (assuming that you will contact him soon anyway).

Stand strong relative to your feelings, rights, needs, and values. Men like women who like themselves. They also like women who express their feelings, rights, and needs in a feminine, constructive, and positive way (rather than in a criticizing, nagging, or whining way). Most men will not only honor the boundaries you set, but they will also respect and value you more because you express them and stand firmly behind them. A man who doesn’t respect your feelings and boundaries is usually a man who lacks empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility, which are the core warning signs of a manipulative and abusive personality. This type of man is not interested in loving and valuing you. You are a means to his own ends. So stand on firm, but loving, ground (especially when it comes to your moral boundaries).

Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit ItsYourTechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.

Single Men: How to Get More Attention, Affection, and Commitment Now

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell, Dating Expert
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: To ensure that 2012 is the year that you get love, attention, and affection, avoid these five common dating mistakes and apply these five secrets for success instead.

A single man may mistakenly believe:

if he says nice things to a woman, she’ll be more interested in him;

if he’s immediately available and accommodating, she’ll value, respect, and appreciate him;

if he buys her gifts and takes her on expensive dates, she’ll be more excited about him;

if he jumps in to take care of her or fix her problems, she’ll appreciate and respect him;

if he dates only her, she’ll value his immediate loyalty and commitment.

Although men who do these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. The reason why is simple: Women need to see strength and confidence in men if they are to trust and respect them.

Women need to see strength and confidence in men.

A woman may argue that she would only love and appreciate a man who did these things for her, but upon reflection she will usually admit that many of the men who have quickly acted in these ways with her have either seemed too nice (which made them easy to take for granted) or they seemed creepy, weird, insincere, or obsessive (which made it easy to reject them without question).

The problem isn’t that women want to be treated badly. Women like nice men. Women simply need to see that these nice men are also strong and confident, they have limits, and they won’t tolerate being treated badly.

To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .

Lean back so you appear cool and calm. The number one need of a woman is to feel safe and secure. If you get too close to a woman or lean in too much, you will look too intense, vulnerable, or creepy, which could trigger early rejection. By leaning back you not only look and feel more calm but you also make it easier for her to lean toward you (which could indicate that she has interest in you).

Use good posture, body language, words, and tones. When talking with a woman, be sure to keep regular eye contact. Square your shoulders and straighten your back. Keep your chin up (if you drop your chin it can look like you lack confidence or have a hidden shame). Use a confident and deeper tone of voice when expressing your opinions (fluctuating or raising your tone of voice can cause others to question the strength of your convictions). Don‘t focus on your problems or make negative comments about yourself or your life.

Look like a man who is busy and on the go. Don't linger too long––whether it is during the first contact, while on the phone, or at the end of the date. You need to show her that you can take charge of a situation and end things on your terms (which makes her value you and your time more). Don’t rush every interaction, or she will think that you won’t make time for her, but after spending some time getting to know her, simply say, “I could talk to you all night, but I really need to get back to work (or get home).” Then add, “I’d like to see you again. When would be a good time to call?” This shows her that you respect your time and hers while also having other important things in your life that you enjoy.

Save the best of you for those who invest in you. Expensive dates and gifts need to be reserved for those who demonstrate that they appreciate your efforts. You will know that they appreciate you because they will consistently return your calls in a timely manner; they will lean forward, smile at you, or touch you sometimes; or they will offer to pay for some small part of the date. Plan to invest in her but limit your sacrifices to moderate or inexpensive dates (for the first four dates). As her investment and appreciation continues, increase your sacrifices and/or add some modest gifts (this encourages and supports her investment in you).

Keep dating other women. Just as men want women other men want, women want men other women admire. If you become immediately exclusive (and before a woman is ready to do the same) you could set yourself up for the too-nice trap. Instead, keep dating others. The reality that other women appreciate you will decrease the risk that she will take you for granted. Furthermore, it will remind you that if she doesn’t value and appreciate you, someone else will.

Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.

{Single Saints} Dating Resolutions for the New Year

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:04:00 -0700

by Kaela Worthen
source: MormonLife.com

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married, there are always ways you can improve your love life to increase the happiness of yourself and your (current or potential) significant other.

Single

1. Try something new. Take a yoga class, join a local hiking group, learn a new language at your community college. All of these places will help you to expand and improve yourself, keeping you from moping about being single, improving your self-confidence and happiness (thus making you more likely to attract someone of the opposite sex), and, best of all, giving you plenty of opportunities to meet new people. (Try this really cool idea to get you started.)

2. Try online dating. Seriously. I’m not saying it’s because you’re weird/boring/less than the rest of society. Forget any of the stereotypes you’ve heard. It works. You know how I know? My boyfriend of 4 months and I met there. My goal was to try online dating if I graduated college single (see this article); yours can be if you’re starting 2012 single. I met lots of great guys (and, yes, a few odd ones), had a ton of fun on dates, and then found one guy I wanted to pursue things even further with. Want more proof it works? One in eight couples who married in 2009 met through social media (read this article for more info).

3. Don’t be so picky. The idea that you have to wait for THE one in order to start a relationship? False. Even the general authorities say so, in this article. If you think there’s potential, even though fireworks aren’t going off announcing your handsome prince charming, give it a chance. If things don’t work out, you’ll both come away better people, having learned better what you are looking for, who you want to be, and how a relationship works.

4. But don’t be too unpicky. At the same time, if there’s a girl you’re really just not interested in, don’t force things just because you want or feel like you should be in a relationship. You’ll cause both of you more heartache in the future. Ladies, if there’s a guy you like but you know he’s not good enough for you, don’t settle just because you want to be in a relationship.

In a Relationship

1. Have story time. When you’ve been dating for a while, you get to know each other well, but considering the years you’ve been alive and the months you’ve been dating, the amount you know versus what there is to be known is still miniscule. Try this: “I want to hear a story about [when you were a kid and one of your siblings was mean to you/something about you and sports/something you’ve always wanted and never gotten/anything else in the world].” The requests, and the stories related, can range from humorous anecdotes, stories with no point at all, or deep discussions about who you are and how you view the world.

2. Have regular DTRs. For those of you who haven’t been introduced to this quintessential Mormon colloquialism, a DTR is a conversation about the state of your relationship—a “Define the Relationship.” Most commonly it is used in the context of that all-important conversation that also makes usage of the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” acceptable. But even after you’ve passed that hurdle, checking in to see how things are going and that you’re still on the same page is wise—just like a companionship inventory for missionaries. You can discuss anything that the other person needs to be aware of and any concerns before they are allowed to fester into full-blown arguments.

3. Make a to-do list. It's easy for a relationship to stagnate when you fall into a rhythm of doing the same things and eating at the same places all the time. Together or separately, come up with a list of things you want to do—whether it's eat at a certain restaurant, go on a hike to a special place, learn how to make sushi, or anything else. Make it your go-to list whenever you don't have a plan, and pick something that sounds interesting to do. That way you can both grow and progress as individuals and in your relationship as you try new things and explore each other's interests.

4. Go on more double dates. Another way to make sure your relationship doesn't stagnate is to involve other people into your activities. Having more people to interact with will give you more opportunities to get to know each other in a different viewpoint and make sure things stay interesting.

Married

1. Go on a date at least once a month with your spouse. We've all heard the wonderful stories of married couples who go out on a date every single week. But those can often seem more like fantasy than reality as you deal with busy work schedules, needy children with homework and illnesses, callings, and more. Start simple and you won't set yourself up for failure—try one date per month together.

2. Take more opportunities to show you're thinking about your spouse. Call, stop by the office, FaceTime, surprise him or her for lunch—these little things more frequently can mean much more than occasional grandiose gestures.

3. Go to the temple at least once a month together. If you go to the temple regularly with your spouse, you and your spouse will be able to draw closer to God and to each other, making more a more celestial and successful marriage.

4. Escape on quarterly getaways. Four times a year, take the chance to plan a getaway with your spouse. If you're able to, you can go to a vacation spot you've both been yearning to visit, but it doesn't have to be extravagant. Go to a hotel in your own town, or stay in but send the kids off to stay with Grandma or have a sleepover with friends. Take the time to get rid of all the other distractions—work, callings, children, or anything else—and focus solely on each other.

Your turn: Do you have suggestions to improve the love lives of others, whether they are single, in a relationship, or married? What has worked for you, or what goals will you be setting this year? Let us know in the comments below.

{Single Saints} 5 Secrets to Dating Success During the Holidays

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 00:04:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Avoid winter dating woes by studying up on common mistakes made during the holidays and learning the secrets to counteract them.

The holidays often have huge romantic expectations and disappointments. If you are in a relationship (or wanting to be in one), you canʼt afford to make these five common mistakes. However, if you apply the accompanying five secrets, you may instead find lasting love.

Mistake #1: Hibernating for the Winter

For some singles, the winter and holidays can be lonely and depressing, whereas other singles use the cold as an excuse to just wall-up inside and do nothing. In either case, hibernating for the winter can have a huge impact on your happiness and relationships and can make you less attractive to the opposite sex. Not only does a sedentary lifestyle add to depression, anxiety, and weight gain, but it also prevents you from meeting new singles. Additionally, when men and women hang out instead of being actively involved, they often feel less passionately toward each other. Thus, being actively involved in life and doing things together makes you and the relationship more attractive, interesting, and desirable.

Secret #1: Treat the winter as a time to step out of your comfort zone and do something new with other singles or a dating partner.

In other words, women, take up a new hobby such as indoor rock climbing, scuba diving instruction, marathon training, etc. These can be great places to meet men. Men, take a dance class or join a new exercise group or yoga class. Lots of women attend these types of classes, and being physically active increases the chance of one or both of you feeling more chemistry.

Mistake #2: Inviting a Date to a High-pressure Event

If you just started dating someone, now is not the time to invite him or her to your work or family parties for the holidays. Itʼs too much pressure and can make you appear too "into" them. Instead plan on going to these events alone this holiday season, unless your date invites you to one of their holiday parties.

Secret #2: Women, follow the lead of the men you date, and men, set limits when needed, but in a loving way.

Ladies, if he invites you to a holiday party, it is safe to invite him to one of yours (not two or three). Following his lead means that you match his efforts, not exceed them. Men, if the woman you are dating asks you to a holiday party and the pressure of this event feels too great, simply say, “Wow, thanks for wanting me to come, but if itʼs okay I would rather wait until we have been dating a little longer.” Then offer to take her out for a date on another night. By doing this you avoid rejecting her personally while also avoiding the pressure that could prematurely drive you away from the relationship.

Mistake #3: Engaging in "Define the Relationship" Conversations

If you are wondering where the relationship is going, the holiday season is not the time to ask. The holidays alone can create too much pressure, and asking, “How do you feel about me and our relationship?” often makes you look desperate and needy.

Secret #3: Focus on having fun over the holidays and saving any serious conversations about how your dating partner feels about you until January.

Instead of cornering the person and making them analyze what they are feeling (or not feeling) just have fun and assume that the relationship is less serious (even if they invite you to their family or work parties). If you assume less you will create less pressure, whereas if you assume too much, the other person may panic and run. And for those singles who were hoping to have a Christmas Eve engagement experience: Unless they were ring shopping with you before Thanksgiving, put such dreams out of your mind. Itʼs not likely to happen and pressuring them to move more quickly will only cause tension or break ups.

Mistake #4: Buying Expensive Gifts

You may want to buy your new dating partner an expensive gift, but unless you are in a clearly defined girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, keep your gifts to $50 or less (preferably $30 or less).

Secret #4: Give a gift that matches but does not exceed their efforts or the seriousness of the relationship.

If you fear that they may buy you something expensive and you donʼt want to look cheap, then buy two gifts (one that is more expensive and one that is less expensive) so you can pull out the appropriate gift based on their gift, and then return the other. And, if you have only been on one or two dates, forgo giving a gift altogether and instead prepare a simple treat, like something you would give a neighbor. Such a gesture is enough to show you are thinking of them but are not assuming that the relationship is more serious than it is.

Mistake #5: Introducing Your Date as Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

When attending a work or family party, it is reasonable to assume that others will ask you or your date if you are serious or just friends. Anticipate this problem beforehand so as to avoid an awkward moment that could create too much pressure. You need to look confident and comfortable with the least serious description of your relationship so your date doesnʼt feel shocked by any descriptions that donʼt match their feelings.

Secret #5: Express that you intend to introduce your date as a good friend (or just a date) until they say they want to be introduced as more (boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance).

Determine the least serious description you think you could both agree on, then make sure to share this assumption with your date before the event so that they also donʼt feel hurt. To do this, say, “Just to be on the safe side, if anyone asks about us, I plan to say that we are just good friends [or just dating]. Let me know if you would prefer that I introduce you as more than this.” Then smile, act confident, and change the subject. They will appreciate the less-pressure-filled description while feeling free to jump in with a different description (i.e., “Iʼm okay with you saying Iʼm your boyfriend”) if they prefer it.

For more dating techniques like these and to help you avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues, visit itsyourtechnique.com. After all, regardless of your dating past, itʼs NOT you--itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. She is the author of the Mormon Dating System. Visit itsyourtechnique.com/specialoffer to get amazing discounts on her books, DVDs, and audios (only available on her website).

{Single Saints} Inner Beauty Is Not Enough

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 00:05:00 -0700

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Author’s note: Though my message was meant to be encouraging, I failed to clarify a few sensitive points. I didn’t consider that in today’s unrelenting assault of negative body messages, my blog might be misconstrued as an invitation to conform to society’s ideals. We should recognize that we each have a personal best that exists independently of what society tells us, one that should be attained out of a sense of personal achievement, not solely to attract a mate. I was wrong to address the article primarily toward women, because men can be equally guilty of failing to care for themselves. I also realize that one cannot simply look at another person and make an accurate judgment on how well that person cares for him- or herself. Nevertheless, the overall message of this blog remains: “Figure out your personal health and appearance standard, then work toward it.” Please bear that in mind as you read the following.

We’ve all heard that beauty is on the inside, in the eye of the beholder, or somewhere else beyond the realm of the physical. And while I will not argue against the idea that inner beauty—a combination of a good personality, a shining spirit, and other internal qualities—is crucial, I will contend that beauty on the outside should not be neglected.

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among women. On Facebook and in conversations with girls, I’ve heard girls embrace supposed feminine liberation and tell us that they’re beautiful no matter how they look. Before I have to dodge a flurry of thrown stiletto heels, let me clarify: Yes, you are beautiful. You’re a daughter of God, and don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. But . . . you shouldn’t let the “beauty on the inside” argument hinder your quest to achieve your physical ideal. Some girls I know tell themselves it doesn’t matter how they look because they’re beautiful on the inside, and then they just . . . well, let themselves go.

I'm a single male and that reflects in the audience I write to, but regardless of our marital status or gender, we should all take care of our bodies. After all, aren't they gifts from God? We're instructed to abstain from tattoos and extra piercings in an attempt to show respect for our bodies, and shouldn't that respect be extended to how we treat the body itself? We are stewards of our mortal shells, and as such should care for them like the prized possessions they are.

For those who are still dating, failing to take care of yourself can easily delay association with potential eternal mates. The right person will love you eventually, but it’s your physical aspect that often catches the eye. If you don’t take the time to care for yourself, that doesn’t exactly encourage anyone else to care for you, either. How many people who would love you once they got to know you have passed you over? Maybe you’ve even been the one who’s passed on someone because that person failed to care for his or her God-given body.

If you are truly happy with the body you have, I’m glad for you. We should recognize that none of us is going to have a perfect body, at least not at this stage in our eternal existence. (Or maybe you already do have a near-perfect body. Congrats. You should still keep reading.) Women, we guys will accept that not all of you are swimwear models if you accept that few of us have managed the abs of a certain werewolf from Twilight.

I’m sorry if I come across as harsh. There are also plenty of people who go the opposite direction and become Barbie dolls with personalities as bland as the plastic dolls they so resemble. In our journey to improve our inner and outer selves, we should seek balance. We should be satisfied with who we are, but we should strive for healthy improvement. This principle applies to men as well. So how do both genders reconcile this paradox? How do we attain the right body while neither being satisfied with the sub-par nor going too far?

I propose that we find a realistic perception of the person we can become on the inside and outside. Discovering our exact physical potential may take some time, but we can gain a reasonable expectation of the best we can be. Then we simply become content with the progress we’re making toward being our best selves.

President Kimball said, "How nice and easy would it be if we had a magic wand! But we haven't. You might take a careful inventory of your habits, your speech, your appearance, your weight, . . . and your eccentricities. . . . Take each item and analyze it. What do you like in others? What personality traits please you in others? Are your dresses too short, too long, too revealing, too old fashioned? Does your weight drive off possible suitors? Do you laugh raucously? Are you too selfish? Are you interested only in your own interests?”

Elder Joe. J. Christensen adds, "The Lord expects us to do the best we can with what he has given us. President McKay said, 'Even a barn looks better when it's painted.'"

Girls (and guys), a little regular exercise and some healthy eating habits will be a good start toward becoming that reasonable paragon. Go running. Take a racquetball class. I think you’re capable of filling in the rest of this list yourselves. I really believe that as we all set attainable physical goals and work to reach them, we can be satisfied both with ourselves and with what we’re becoming.

What do you think? Am I off base? Do I have unreasonable expectations for girls?

{Single Saints} Surviving the Holidays after Divorce

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:05:00 -0700

by Jessica Carter
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: The holidays can be an especially difficult time for the recently divorced - what with all the family, traditions, and memories that will certainly be affected. How can you bring back some of the cheer? Earlier this week we ran an article on what to say (and not say) to the recently divorced. But the holidays can be an especially difficult time. If you’re facing the holidays for the first time as a divorced person, try the following tips to brighten the season.

Accept the invitations. Resist the urge to sit home in your pajamas feeling sorry for yourself. Take every opportunity to have fun and socialize. If the party invitations aren’t pouring in, plan your own get-together.

Recharge. Social gatherings are a great way to lift your spirits, but pampering yourself is also essential. Treat yourself to a massage or that new novel you’ve wanted to read. Do something that makes you happy, and don’t feel guilty for taking a little time for yourself.

Make goals. The holiday season is definitely not the time to dwell on the negative. But with the New Year fast approaching, meaningful reflection and sincere resolve to improve yourself in specific areas can give you hope for a happier life in 2012.

Create new traditions. Undoubtedly, the holidays will conjure memories of your ex spouse, and the traditions you loved can make the season more painful for you and your children. Take the time to plan different activities and create new, positive experiences for everyone.

Coordinate with your ex well in advance. If you have children, make sure you plan the holiday schedule early on so everyone knows what to count on. Where will the children spend Thanksgiving? Christmas Eve? Christmas Day? Are there any family gatherings planned? Working out the kinks as soon as possible will make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone involved. Be flexible. And above all, be civil.

Stay positive. I know, it’s definitely easier said than done, but it is possible. Surround yourself with upbeat people and avoid those friends and family members who love to commiserate and complain. A positive attitude is especially important if you have children—like it or not, your mood will set the tone for their holiday, too.

{Single Saints} Dating Mistakes Women Make

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:08:00 -0700

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We guys are by no means perfect when it comes to dating, but that doesn't mean we're the only ones making mistakes. Here are some pitfalls you can avoid, ladies, to make life easier for all parties involved.

Dating is a dance in which neither partner knows the steps. There we go, one partner trying to do the tango while the other struggles through a waltz. Sometimes, the dance ends and both partners decide this awkward hoedown is something they want to figure out together for the rest of their lives. Most of the time, however, the dance ends with one or both of them clutching figurative sprained ankles.

Both sides should be willing to cut the other a little slack. But there are a few things girls can do--or, more specifically, not do--to prevent any awkward toe-stepping during the courtship dance. (To check out a list of mistakes guys should avoid, click here.)

1. Being too quiet.

I’ll agree that maintaining the balance so both parties enjoy fulfilling contributions to the conversation can be difficult, and both sides make mistakes in this regard. I’ve heard girls complain when a guy talks about himself for the span of the date, but we have no choice when the girl reverts to such shyness that she is almost indistinguishable from a remarkably pretty potted plant that has learned to occasionally nod and say, “Hmm.” We’ll do our best, and you do your best. That’s all we both can expect.

2. Giving too much attention to others.

If we’re with other people, it’s perfectly acceptable to talk to them too, but please don’t neglect us in favor of your friends or the other guys. (Especially the other guys.) If your friends happen to be present, you should still make sure you give your date the time he deserves.

3. Giving mixed signals.

Sometimes girls act like they're interested and we think things are going along great--until we try to make a move and get rejected. Reciprocating our attempts at physical affection is by no means mandatory, and we should not feel like we’re entitled to some level of such affection. But let us hold your hand or kiss you if the timing’s right, we both want it, and it's within the boundaries of chaste behavior. A little shyness is natural, but unwarranted fickleness will simply send us back home scratching our heads at the perpetual mystery of femininity.

4. Expecting us to read your mind.

Let’s say I tell you we’re going to a Mexican restaurant and you secretly hate Mexican food. Please tell me you think it’s a bad idea. Otherwise you’re going to have to suffer through chalupas all evening, and I’m going to have to suffer through you suffering though chalupas without knowing what’s going on. Whether you do or don't want to do something, please, let us know.

5. Holding unrealistic expectations.

Girls, we love you, but we just don’t understand you. You’re like a mystical temple unearthed in the Amazon, hoarding fabled treasure inside but guarded by deadly traps. We’re trying to learn more about you and not get eaten by giant tarantulas or crushed by rolling boulders in the process. Please excuse us for making mistakes in our attempts to court you.

Let’s all try to be more understanding. We guys can be a little stupid, but we’re not the only guilty parties when dating goes south. Maybe, if the above suggestions are taken into account, we can both avoid sprained ankles as we continue through this crazy dance we call dating.

Your turn: Is this list complete? Accurate? What are some other mistakes women make in dating?

Ryan Kunz is proud of the fact that he is a Star Wars nerd and remains socially adept and reasonably conscious of fashion. He enjoys writing, hiking, spending time in intellectually stimulating company, and talking about himself in the third person. He will someday be a bestselling novelist but in the meantime is studying advertising at BYU.