Mormon Life - Self Improvement tag

Advice I'd Give My 21-Year-Old Self

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by LDS Living Readers
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We all know that when we’re older, hindsight is 20/20. What things do you wish you had known when you were younger? Enjoy these gems of hard-won wisdom from some of our readers.

Only care about what the Lord thinks and not other people. Everything else just seems to fall into place when that is my focus.

—Anne; Arizona

Volunteer. Someone could use your help and you’ll get a better feeling that lasts longer. You’re poor, so act like it—that is, in terms of spending. Learn about every good thing you can; the more you learn about something, the more interesting it will become.

—Danny McClure; Blacksburg, Virginia

Don’t get a credit card in college.

Listen to your parents and your friends. If they don’t like the person you’re dating, there’s probably a good reason.

Pick your battles. Decide what is worth fighting over and then don’t sweat the rest of it.

It’s fine for other people to “win” arguments.

Apologize even when you don’t think something was your fault. It never hurts, and if it mends fences, it’s good.

Worry less about what other people think about you.

—Rachel Ausband; Marblehead, Massachusetts

Words of wisdom I received from my grandmother: “I decided that life was too short to go around feeling offended, so I just decided to never be offended.” This mindset has saved me considerable emotional energy over the years. Try to see the big picture, give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and always make the choice to not be offended.

—Elizabeth Forsyth; Doylestown, Pennsylvania

Appreciate your parents. It’s hard sometimes—I remember all too well. But your time with them is so limited. Take the time to call them, check on them, go see a movie with them, or just hang out eating cookies. I promise that when you are older you will cherish those moments.

—Carol Stuart

Keep physically fit. That is a blessing you will be grateful for throughout your life. Eat well, work out regularly, and walk whenever you can. Walking is a great way to connect with your spouse once you get married. If you do it on a daily basis, it can be a great time to discuss family situations outside the home in a neutral surrounding.

—Debbie Justesen; Roseville, California

You can do anything but not everything.

You have your entire life to get married and have children; live a little first. Work, travel, and enjoy. You will eventually be a better mother and wife for taking time to become who you want to be.

Don’t worry about what others think. Be true to yourself and God. The rest will take care of itself.

—Jacqueline White; Springfield, Massachusetts

Develop a strong testimony because the decisions you’ll make in the next few years will be the most important decisions you’ll perhaps ever make.

—K.D. Paniagua; Nevada

Just having retired, I really wish I had started saving for retirement much sooner. Learn the tricks of those who are good with money and don’t get into debt.

—Ann Reynolds; Everett, Washington

You’re going to live to be 100, so don’t freak out when something doesn’t happen in a few months or a few years. It’s okay if you didn’t graduate in exactly four years. It’s okay if you didn’t get married by 25 like you’d always planned. For some things, you just have to go with the flow and let what will happen, happen. The timing will always work out, even if it is not the timing you wanted.

—Heather Galovan; Salt Lake City, Utah

Avoid mid-semester weddings if possible. Don’t take a career path that restricts you to only a certain geographic location.

—Mike McClure; Tazewell, Virginia

Organize your classes well and develop good academic skills as fast as you can. Don’t overload your schedule, even if you can still pass your classes. Be diligent and patient in your schoolwork and leave time for dating and earning a little extra cash to have some fun, too.

—John Leonard; Sacramento, California

When it comes to finding a future companion, it is more important to focus on being your best self for her rather than trying to find “The One.”

—Brian Bourgerie; Spring Lake Park, Minnesota

Take your time in school. Slow it down and enjoy life for where you are at right now. Some of the greatest times are missed or overshadowed by always being busy and wanting or needing to grow up. Remember the tortoise and the hare: slow and steady wins the race. Speedy and greedy leaves you tired and needy.

—Jay Tucker; Mesa, Arizona

When you have children, play with them—a lot! Read to them—a lot! Lie by them when you put them to bed each night and talk, maybe for only two to five minutes. These things will make all the difference in your relationship with them throughout the years.

—Gayle Halversen

Flossing is a hassle, but do it anyway. Your skin never forgets what you do to it; sunbathing will age you quickly. You’ll thank me when people think your younger siblings are older than you. Look upon the challenges and trials of your life as “all part of the adventure.” Read Hugh Nibley and other LDS scholars in conjunction with your scripture study.

—Lisa Howard; Adana, Turkey

Don’t go crazy thinking about your weight. You’ll look back 20+ years later and realize you looked pretty great and would give anything to be that size again. It’s all about perspective. Be kinder and more forgiving of yourself in thought.

Wear a high-level sunscreen every day! Your skin, especially your face, neck, and hands (yes, your hands) will thank you later with fewer wrinkles, blemishes, and sun spots in your 40s. Need proof? Just look at your mother’s face, neck, and hands. Now go get some sunscreen.

—Loralee Humphries; Henderson, Nevada

Sometimes it can be hard to believe in yourself and your abilities. Don’t take counsel from your fears; shoot high. This is your opportunity in life to be whatever you want to be. Once you have made up your mind, work hard and take daily action to accomplish your goal.

—David Jenkins; Yuba City, California

When things look really bad and you have done all you can do, take a long, hot bath, have a good cry (in the tub if possible), go to bed, and sleep. Things will always look better in the morning. This was the best advice my mother gave me when I was a teenager. It still holds true.

—Judith Adams Grant; Waycross, Georgia

Sweetie, you are worth so much more than you think right now! Spend some time learning all the wonderful things about yourself and then start thinking about getting married. Most of all, I love you, Mom and Dad love you, all of the family loves you, Heavenly Father and Jesus love you.

P.S. When you do have kids, take tons of pictures because they grow up so stinking fast that it seems like a blur.

—Bethany Seher; Murray, Utah

Don’t waste your time on Facebook, video games, or other stuff like it. Go out of your way and don’t be afraid to serve or talk to others about the gospel. Always be learning, improving, and developing talents.

Colin McKay; Mesa, Arizona

Take the bull by the horns and never look back. Don’t rely on someone else to make you happy; happiness is a choice and you should never let someone tell you different. You have more talent than you know, so don’t be afraid to show it and build upon it. Most of all, never make the mistake of thinking you are alone in your efforts. Treat a janitor as you would treat a CEO.

—Andrew Fry; Fernley, Nevada

Love is half how you feel about the other person and half how you feel about yourself because of that person. If you admire him/her like the sun, but whenever you are with him/her you feel like you are a toadstool, even though the words “I love you” are passing between you, you only have half of love—you’re not bringing out the best in each other. Find someone with whom you feel like a princess and who feels like he’s a prince because of you.

—Chris

When you get home from your mission, make sure to talk about other things when you go on dates.

—Vince; Pasco, Washington

Fill your bucket now! This is the one time in your life (if you are single) when you are independent and able to make decisions for yourself. Once you are married and have a family, you need to put others’ needs before your own. Thus, if there is something you have been dying to do, do it. Fill your mind with scriptural knowledge, knowledge from great books, and knowledge from people you know and trust. Create a “bucket” that is full of wonderful experiences and wisdom that you can draw from in the future when you need it for more difficult or stressful times.

—Debbie Justesen; Roseville, California

You cannot reap if you do not sow.

The task that takes the longest to complete is the one you never start.

True obedience to the gospel is more than just active avoidance of unrighteousness—it is active avoidance of unrighteousness coupled with active engagement in righteousness. Too often

the latter is forgotten or eclipsed by things that do not edify (D&C 50:23).

The pain of loneliness, disappointment, despair, and heartache is actually carving reservoirs into your soul that will later be filled with joy.

Carbohydrates will make you fat.

—Grant Hart; Grand Junction, Colorado

No, you don’t have it all figured out. No, you are not the person you have to be for the rest of your life. Let yourself change, let yourself learn, and let yourself grow.

—Amanda Taylor; Salt Lake City, Utah

Do you have more wisdom and advice not already included? Leave a comment below!

Check out some of the advice our Facebook friends gave here.

See what advice our LDS Living staff had for our former selves here.

What counts at age 86

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 12:18:00 -0700

source: huffingtonpost.com

Mormon Life says: This LDS woman reflects on life in her old age and what's really important now that she's done and seen it all. I absolutely love it. The older I get the more I realize that what really matters at any age is relationships. I like to think of them as being horizontally to the human and vertically to the divine. At the same time, in either relationship it is easy to let what seems more important get in the way of keeping connected. Like just plain aging.

At 86, personal ablutions take more and more time. I used to say. "I'll hop in the shower." Loved it. Now a shower takes balance I don't have and bending I'm very bad at. Dressing up with support hose is a chore. I've abandoned mascara since I can't see well enough to hit an eyelash.

Stop the Digital from Dominating Your Life

Tue, 26 Apr 2011 00:05:00 -0600

by Angela Lankford
source: MormonLife.com

You may have 400 friends on Facebook or 200 followers on Twitter, but how many of those people do you actually interact with outside the virtual world? Church leaders have warned us to avoid the kind of digital immersion that prevents us from enjoying person-to-person communication, but we have also been counseled to use Internet tools to spread the gospel and do good. So how do we find that happy balance?

Technology is an integral part of our lives that will only keep improving and presenting us with different modes of communication. With the potential for good that technology introduces, the best method in dealing with it is (as it is in most things) moderation.

To begin finding this balance, ask yourself this question: to what extent is this tool enhancing my life and my ability to feel the Spirit? Here are some tips for creating that balance within your home.

1. Consider where you fit on the technology spectrum. How much time do you spend online each day? To calculate it, track how much time you spend online for one week, then compare it to the amount of time you spend getting things done for yourself and your family offline. If your time online is greater than your time offline, consider making changes until the times are balanced.

2. Establish a “check out” phone system for your family. Get a cell phone for the kids, or use your own. Allow your children to take the cell phone to call you after practice, or other activities, and to check the phone back in when they come home.

3. Establish technology-free “zones” in your life. These zones might include dinnertime, date night, church, family time, and right before bedtime.

4. Use a timer to alert yourself (and others) of the end of a gaming session. Once the timer goes off, log out of the game and get off of the computer. It may be tempting to set the timer again, but don’t.

5. Never check social networks in the morning. You can easily lose track of time catching up on what your friends had for breakfast.

6. Use “message rules” for e-mails. Through your e-mail service, you can sort your mail into folders which will allow you to set up “message rules” for yourself. Make folders that allow you to separate your e-mails into critical items and not-so critical items. Then look at the most critical messages first. This helps prioritize before you even start the day.

So much good can be had from the tools modern technology provides. Each family simply needs to decide how much is the right amount for them. Set personal goals. Then talk to your children and share your ideas on what is important—they might even come up with more ideas for how the family could improve. Work out reasonable parameters with everyone for balancing technology with family life, and revisit the plan on a regular basis.

Top 10 New Year's resolutions for a healthier life, part 1

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 09:23:00 -0700

source: MormonTimes.com

The start of a new year brings with it a plethora of good intentions for all of us. Here are my top 10 New Year's resolutions for the coming year!

1. Eat breakfast like a king/queen, lunch like a prince/princess and dinner like a beggar

For too many years I did the exact opposite. Finding myself "too busy" to have breakfast and sometimes even skipping lunch or getting a quick bite at a fast food place, I would end up feeling starved, and I'd have a huge meal and head to bed. I was the poster child of how not to eat.

Readiness Resolve

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 00:01:00 -0700

by Angie Sullivan
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: The New Year is right around the corner; discover a new type of resolution, a resolve to be ready! If you are like me, the New Year is bittersweet. There is something invigorating about starting off with a clean slate and creating a set of new ideas for running your life. Then there is the down side. Often, my New Year’s Resolutions tend to be overwhelming, self depreciating in nature, and I find myself two weeks into February and I can’t even remember what I decided to do.

Several years ago I abandoned this theory of a “list” of resolutions and decided to choose one simple phrase to describe how I would try to use my year. I’ll give you a few examples. The first year my resolution was “Be Happy” and I spent that year learning how to find happiness in the most mundane of tasks. It was a success! I’ve since chosen to “Find Beauty”, and most recently “Be at Peace”. These small resolutions have been simple, yet profound in their effect. I enjoyed more sunsets, laughed more with my children, even learned to be still and ponder instead of rushing through my day.

I would like to suggest a simple phrase for you this New Year. Though it will definitely help you remember to work on your food storage, it can help in many areas of your life. Here it is: Be Prepared. What should you be prepared for? For whatever you decide you need! For me, this resolution will mean that I will not procrastinate the things that are most important for me. For example, I’m going to make sure that the school projects for my older daughters are done early, so I can be free to rock my youngest at night.

In regards to preparedness, your goal to be prepared can influence your decisions throughout the year. Maybe you’ll decide to forgo that new sweater and instead put together a more comprehensive first aid kit instead. Or, you’ll dedicate one family night a month to preparedness. Maybe you’ll decide that you need to try out that emergency kit while camping this summer to be sure that it is properly supplied. Perhaps you will be more prepared by adding just one extra can of food to your grocery list each time you run in to buy a gallon of milk. The possibilities for you on a personal level are virtually limitless!

Take a few moments during this holiday time to find a resolution that will bless your life in many ways. Maybe you too can resolve to “be prepared” and make it a daily part of your life, whether it be physical preparedness, or just a pledge to be aware of what your family really needs from you and be ready to provide that. With your readiness resolution, you might find that 2011 is your year to be prepared!

Day 8: Pamper Yourself

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 00:06:00 -0700

by LDS Living staff
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Relieve a little holiday stress with these pampering ideas. (For all other days, click here.) "The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." ~Attributed to both Jim Goodwin and Sydney J. Harris

Relieve Your Holiday Stress

Christmas is known as a time of peace…and shopping lists, extended family, and kids home from school. Ever feel like you need a vacation from all the Christmas vacation? Here are some tips to help relieve a little holiday stress.

Click here to read the story.

Pampering with Peppermint

Make your home a place of peace and serenity this Christmas season by setting aside a day during to make a home day spa for yourself. Check out these recipes for homemade face masks and scrub using festive peppermint.

Peppermint Lip Scrub

Ingredients:
One pot for storage
1/2 teaspoon brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon caster sugar
Peppermint oil (about 1/4 tsp)
Almond oil/Vitamin E oil (about 1/4 tsp)
Glass bowl (for mixing)

Instructions:
Mix the sugar and oils.
Dab a small amount onto lips and rub together to gently exfoliate.
You can then lick off the scrub or wipe off with a cloth. This product can be stored at room temperature.

For more info about this recipe, click here.

Peppermint Foot Scrub

Ingredients:
1 cup of Epsom salt
1/2 cup of cold water
2 drops of peppermint essential oil

Instructions:
Combine Epsom salt and peppermint oil.
Add water gradually. The mass should resemble a paste. It shouldn't be too soft or too hard.
Rub feet and soles in circular motion.
Rinse off with warm water.

For more info about this recipe, click here.

Peppermint Face Tea Toner

Ingredients:
1 cup water
Peppermint tea bag

Instructions:
Boil water and steep peppermint tea bag for 10 minutes.
Remove tea bag and let cool.
Apply liquid to face and neck with cotton ball or pad.

Make a Holiday Gratitude Journal

The stress associated with making the holidays perfect may sometimes cause us to forget what the holidays are truly about—a time to be grateful for our blessing. At the end of each day during the holiday season take a moment to write in your holiday gratitude journal.

Discussion:

What’s your favorite “me time” activity?

Relieve Your Holiday Stress

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 00:01:00 -0700

by Angela Lankford
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Tips for a (mostly) stress-free holiday season! Christmas is known as a time of peace...and shopping lists, extended family, and kids home from school. Ever feel like you need a vacation from all the Christmas vacation? Here are some tips to help relieve a little holiday stress.

1. Be selective about your holiday traditions. You don't have to do every single tradition from your childhood to adult life. Instead, select a few traditions to do this holiday season and save the others ones for next year. Rotating your traditions yearly will relieve your stress and also allow you to hold on to the traditions you love.   

2. Stop searching for the perfect gift. Trying to find the perfect gift for a loved one, along with budgeting and affording those gifts, can be one of the most stressful parts of the holiday. Shop online to save time or consider getting gift cards for your teens and tweens so that they can then go and pick out the perfect gift for themselves.   

3. Keep a gift closet. Shop year-round for gifts to save yourself some stress during the holiday season. If you see a toy or item that your child could grow into in a year, buy it and save it in your gift closet. The gift closet is not only effective for Christmas time, but also for birthdays and other gift-giving occasions.   

4. Do a Secret Santa amongst your family members so that you won’t feel overwhelmed trying to buy gifts for everyone. Secret Santa delegates who gives gifts to whom and ensures that no one is forgotten.

5. Do service for others. When you get outside of yourself to help those in need, you are better able to forget your own stress. Helping those in need to have a wonderful holiday season will also help to brighten your own. Consider caroling to neighbors or baking Christmas cookies to leave at someone's door.

6. Eat well and exercise throughout the holiday season instead of just making a New Year’s resolution to do better after the holidays. As you get your body moving through exercise, your whole being will feel more relaxed.

7. Remind yourself of the true meaning of Christmas and the Savior’s birth. This will help you feel less stressed about the commercialism of the holidays and traditions that you feel obligated to keep up with.

Overcoming Shyness

Sat, 30 Oct 2010 00:05:00 -0600

by Michelle Garrett
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We see indications of it all the time in children—nervousness in front of new people and even fear in public situations. Helping children overcome this tendency before it becomes a handicap simply requires patience and understanding. It’s Sunday and you’re in Primary to help your child with the talk she has been asked to give. You feel confident it will go well—you’ve practiced it over and over with her. Then, when her name is called, she simply refuses to get out of her chair.

Larry Nelson, assistant professor of human development at Brigham Young University, who specializes in shy and withdrawn behaviors in early childhood, had this exact experience with his daughter when she was younger. He made sure to handle it carefully and deliberately because he knew that when it comes to shy children, any extreme reactions from their parents or other adults can actually make their condition worse.

Some parents overreact because they think the condition is irrational or bad. In fact, almost 40 percent of adults in the United States have reported that they used to be shy at some point in their lives. This likely means two things: one, shyness in children is relatively common and even normal, and two, many of these children manage to get over it by the time they reach adulthood.

When dealing with shy children, Nelson says it’s important that parents understand that shyness is physiological. Children do not choose to be shy—they are born that way. “We’d never walk up to a very tall person and say ‘hey stop being so tall,’ but we tell kids all the time to stop being shy. It’s not that easy.”

Nelson explains for shy children the whole nervous system is different: they have different brain patterns and higher levels of the stress hormone called cortisol. This causes them to be more reactive and fearful, and counteracting it is not as easy as telling them to get over it. However, there are some things parents can do to help their children eventually overcome this physiological condition.

First, there are two things Nelson says parents should not do if they want their children to overcome shyness. One is to force them outright into things they don’t want to do. “I would liken it to trying to teach a child how to swim by throwing them into the deep end of the swimming pool without a life jacket,” Nelson says. You don’t want to traumatize your child.

On the flipside, the other thing Nelson says to avoid is becoming overprotective of your child. Allowing them to permanently avoid situations that make them uncomfortable and telling them it’s okay to do so will not help them learn how to deal with their fear.

Nelson explains you can’t push a boulder up a hill all at once, you have to give it gradual taps. He used this principle with his daughter when she refused to give her Primary talk; he first took her outside and explained to her kindly but firmly, so she knew it was serious, that when you agree to do something, you have to do it. He warned her that next time he would give her a time out and take her home if she didn’t give her talk.

Shy children tend to be very sensitive and really want to please adults. This can be used either to hurt them or to help them. In this case, Nelson’s daughter was bothered by her father’s scolding, and when her father arranged for her to have another talk shortly afterward, she went up to the microphone and whispered the whole talk to the Primary.

“I was probably the only person in the room who heard it,” Nelson says, “but [my wife and I] made a big deal about it. We let her know we were happy about it.”

Rewarding your child for even the smallest of accomplishments will help move him or her, step-by-step, towards being outgoing. Nelson told his daughter that next time she had to say it loud. The time after that, he didn’t whisper the talk in her ear but instead sat in front row. After that he moved to the back of the room. While Nelson says his daughter told him she was scared, she focused on looking at her aunt who had a calling in Primary and was sitting in the front row with a smile on her face.

Because her father ensured she had this experience, she learned on her own to find things that made her feel better while she was outside of her comfort zone—things that helped her to cope with it. He says today she has gotten so much better that when a speaking companion cancelled his talk in church last, Nelson’s shy little girl volunteered to replace him.

Setting goals has been proven to improve performance in all aspects of life, and helping your child overcome shyness is no exception. John Malouff, PhD in psychology, set a goal for his shy daughter to say at least one word to one new person every day. In an article called “Helping Young Children Overcome Shyness,” he said goals should be challenging but realistic, and for every day his daughter accomplished this goal, he offered her a small reward or treat.

Something that also helps shy children, according to both Malouff and Nelson, is to help them rehearse social situations. Before Nelson had his daughter try and order her meal when they went out to dinner, or talk to an adult in a store when she had a problem, he would rehearse it with her so she knew what to say. With practice, children can form habits of being more outgoing and can remember what to say without help.

Perhaps one of the most important things to remember is to make sure not to make your child feel bad about being shy. According to Malouff, this can cause a “downward spiral” as children lose self-confidence. Avoid labeling your child as shy, especially in front of other adults. Politely disagree with adults if they call your child shy in front of him or her. These kinds of statements can only encourage children to fulfill the role adults have given them and not make any attempt to change.

To help your child understand that it’s normal to have these fears, try telling him or her about experiences in which you were shy, and then explain how you dealt with it. At the same time, set an example in your current life of being outgoing with your peers. Invite friends and family into your home and speak to people next to you in the grocery line, and your child will be able to observe from someone they admire the way things can be done.

Nelson points out that shy kids are just like everybody else. They want to fully participate socially, they just need the right encouragement help them feel they have the ability to do so.

10 Phrases that Prevent Arguments

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Claire Thornock Brazelton
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How many times have you tried to offer someone advice, asked for help, or simply began a friendly conversation, only to have the interaction turn into an argument neither of you anticipated? Here are ten phrases to help keep everyone comfortable. Many contentions between family, friends, and coworkers occur because of a little-understood aspect of social IQ: using language that prevents conflicts. By watching what you say and approaching a conversation at a different angle, you have the power to keep the peace between yourself and those you interact with every day.

Elizabeth Fawcett, a family therapist and a professor of marriage enhancement at Brigham Young University, says that lack of positive or nice communication is one of the reasons contentions arise in marriage and in general. "I have talked to many married couples who feel that their spouse's heart is really in the right place when they talk, but they are saying things to them in a way that is hurtful," she says.

Speaking in an offensive way, Fawcett believes, is a key trigger that brings contention into a conversation, which causes listening on either side to decrease and communication to come to a halt. "If you speak in an offensive way, it makes the other person defensive. . . . They perceive that they are under attack and then proceed to shut down," she says. "When we find ourselves in that mode, we are not capable of hearing what is being said."

Fawcett believes that good communication is a reflection of the receiver. "It's not what we say that makes good communication, it's what we are hearing from the things that are said to us, and if we can't understand what is being said, that is when the problem occurs."

To help conversations avoid the evolution to argument, Fawcett suggests using these phrases the next time you are the sender or receiver in a discussion. You might be surprised how these phrases keep the peace and harmony between you and your spouse, friends, or colleagues.

1. "This is what I am hearing you say; is it what you are trying to tell me?" When you feel that you don't fully understand what is being said, repeat back in your words what you think the other person is saying. Stating things the way you are hearing them allows the speaker to rethink what he or she is saying and put it in different words that make it easier for you to understand.

2. "I have an opinion about this; are you interested in hearing it?" When listening to a spouse's or friend's problems, you may want to give your opinion on the situation. Always ask first if it is wanted. Half the time, people just want to vent, and if you interrupt and try to fix something, it may cause contention. By asking, it shows that you are really trying to help the situation. This phrase works especially well with children and teenagers.

3. "Let's just put that book on the shelf for now." Subjects discussed over and over again between spouses or colleagues can often cause tempers to flare. Setting the subject aside for a time allows nerves to calm and the conversation to stay positive. This phrase can be helpful for keeping the peace until a time when both sides can come back to the conversation ready to speak calmly about it.

4. "I need some help. Would you be willing to help me?" Some arguments start because family members or coworkers don't carry their share of responsibility. Instead of accusing the person of being lazy and rude, be assertive and ask for help - and be specific. "I need your help. If you wash the dishes, I will load them in the dishwasher." Say it in a friendly way, and don't be overly demanding.

5. "I am not trying to bring up any problems from the past, but . . . " It's hard to keep the peace between you and a spouse if you are constantly bringing up faults from the past. Don't bring them up unless you absolutely have to. Reassure your spouse, if you must talk about it, that you are not trying to rehash past injuries, but that this topic is important to you, and you feel you should discuss it.

6. "I need to talk. When is a good time for you?" Whenever you want the full attention of someone while you're speaking, scheduling a time to talk is often the best option. Between spouses, it's best to choose a time other than when your husband is watching the big game or your wife is on the phone with a friend. Finding time that fits both of your schedules allows for a more meaningful conversation and the avoidance of an argument. Your boss or coworkers will also appreciate this phrase.

7. "I am sorry you are upset." Oftentimes if friends or family don't take the advice you gave them, they still come back to complain about their situation. Instead of saying "I told you so," try to understand why your advice wasn't taken and really listen to the problem. By making a rude remark and rubbing in that your advice was best, you may start an argument, or worse, lose the trust of that person.

8. "I think you already know my opinion about this, but I can listen." If a friend always finds herself in the same problem and you have already given her your opinion multiple times, set a clear boundary. Tell her that you are willing to listen to the problem, but that she already knows your opinion; tell her if she hasn't liked your opinion so far, you might not be the right person to get advice from on this issue.

9. "Well, I have a different opinion about this subject, but thanks for yours." Most contention occurs because two people disagree. The goal in this situation is to be polite and end the conversation. Find a balance between the "me and you" factor in the conversation, and admit to having a different opinion but thank someone for theirs.

10. "I agree to disagree, and let's leave it at that." If you know that you are never going to see eye to eye with someone about a specific topic during a conversation, just agree to disagree and let the conversation end. It's not worth the time or energy to contend with someone about something when you know neither of you is going to change your mind about it.

Communication is perhaps the most vital element in any relationship. "The most important thing [in avoiding] arguments in communication is to slow down the process, try to hear what someone is saying, and express how we truly feel," Fawcett says. Making the effort to improve communication and prevent contention can allow us to see the other person more clearly and respect their opinions and individuality.

Defending the Family

Wed, 27 Aug 2003 08:13:00 -0600

by Colleen Down
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I've found the answer to many questions in the Book of Mormon. Captain Moroni prepared the minds of the people to be faithful, and then fortified their weakest places. As a soldier defending home and family, I need to follow the same, strategic plan.

When I was a young girl, my favorite song was “Onward Christian Soldiers.” The rousing words stirring my soul as I sang alongside my grandmother in Bethel Methodist Church. When I first read the Book of Mormon as a teenager, I wanted to march under Captain Moroni’s banner to defend my religion, my peace, my home and my freedom.

When President Hinckley read the proclamation on the family, I wanted to be one of those who promoted those measures to strengthen home and family.

Inevitably, the phone rang. I turned to face the dishes in the sink and a hungry toddler. How can I “haste to the battle, quick to the field” when there are so many fronts on which the war is being waged?

As with many questions I‘ve faced, the answer is found in the Book of Mormon. Captain Moroni, a strong and mighty man of perfect understanding, showed me the way. Moroni first prepared the minds of the people to be faithful. He also strengthened the armies by erecting small forts and places of resort. He built stone walls around their lands and cities, and fortified their weakest places. As a soldier defending home and family, I need to follow the same, strategic plan.

First, I must prepare my mind to be faithful. Second, I can erect a small fort-- a place of refuge for my own family-- as I seek to establish a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of order, a house of God. Third, I must help fortify my city and community. Finally, I must strengthen the borders of my land by letting my light so shine that the darkness will flee.

Prepare My Own Mind

As I prepare my own mind to be faithful, I’m reminded of the words of the Chinese philosopher Sun Tsu. In “The Art of War,” Sun Tsu wrote, “Fighting is the most primitive way of making war on your enemies. The supreme excellence is not to win a hundred victories in a hundred battles; the supreme excellence is to subdue your enemies without having to fight them.”

How often is Satan able to subdue me before I’ve even begun to fight? In a world where the truth we embrace is mocked on every hand, it’s easy to become discouraged. We’re daily assaulted by messages undermining the importance of home and family. Women who choose to stay home and raise their children are made to feel they’re missing out. Men are constantly the object of jokes in everything from greeting cards to the Internet—this at a time when the Secretary of Health has declared fatherlessness the number one health issue facing our country’s children.

Gender confusion permeates every aspect of our society. Much of the battle we wage in defense of our families is on the battlefields of our minds. Tell a lie often enough, and boldly enough, and the masses will accept it as proven truth. A generation raised watching hundreds of episodes of “Friends” may believe that this sitcom mirrors true happiness.

Propaganda has long been a part of the war plan. During World War II, soldiers in the Pacific listened to Tokyo Rose. In Vietnam, soldiers listened to Hanoi Hannah. These women worked make soldiers feel discourages and lose hope. Their messages were aimed at making servicemen feel that all was in vain. These voices aren’t unlike many we hear blaring on our airwaves today. Rather than listening to these loud voices, I must follow the prophet Joshua. The Lord counseled him, long before the battle began, “Be strong and of good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed.”

Places of Refuge

Moroni erected places of refuge. It’s my job as a homemaker to create a place of refuge for my family so my children can be taught by truth and light. As my children arrive home at the end of the day, do they find safe shelter? Is my home a fortification against the rest of the world?

As parents, we must often make unpopular decisions about what to allow in our home via television, the Internet, or the mailbox. J.C. Cooper, in discussing the hearth as the sacred center of the home said, “The evil of television is that it destroys the focal point or hearth, with all its family associations, communications, consolidations and disperses the attention outwards to the outer profane world, so breaking the once sacred family unity and bringing alien influences into the home.”

In fighting to defend home and family, my job is often to stand as sentinel against those wolves seeking to get in. I must monitor the music that permeates our home. In war, the enemy tries to jam the channels of communication. Am I creating a sanctuary where my family can feel the Holy Ghost?

What am I doing to keep my home a place where this communication can take place? Is this easy? Of course not! It’s war!

Is my home always calm and peaceful? Rarely, but it’s something worth striving for every day as I remind myself that Moroni sent extra fortifications to his weakest places.

Protect My Community

Moroni enclosed cities and borders with walls of stone. So I must strive to protect my community. Each of us can stand and defend our town and cities. The Supreme Court has ruled in several cases based on “community standards.” What are we doing to keep that standard high? Do we ask that the objectionable magazines be covered in our supermarket? Do we mention unacceptable pictures to mall management? Are we courageous enough to raise our voice in a school board meeting?

Meredith, a mother in California, was disturbed by the sexually explicit nature of questionnaires being printed in her children’s high school newspaper. She gathered support from her neighbors, and stood before a packed school board meeting as a responsible citizen seeking to promote measures designed to strengthen the family. Another mother, Kristen, collected hundreds of letter protesting a highly offensive television show and took them to the local television station. Jaana, a sister in Finland, uses her website and influence to fight laws that have taken away a woman’s maternity leave.

In communities everywhere, good men and women are rising to the challenge. They’re holding their fingers in the dike so the flood of immortality doesn’t sweep their communities away. President Benson once said, “It is time for us, as members of the Church, to walk in all the ways of the Lord, to use our influence to make popular that which is sound and to make unpopular that which is unsound.”

Let Your Light Shine

Finally, Moroni strengthened all the borders. Our light can shine into the most far-reaching places. People will look to us and see our light, no matter where we are. Joseph Smith admonished the early Saints to wear out their lives in bringing the hidden things of darkness into the light.

I fear we underestimate the power for good we have by simply living good, clean lives. By living the gospel we put on the whole armor of God, and we are able to resist principalities, powers, rulers of darkness of this world and spiritual wickedness in high places.

With my hands in the dishwasher, I realize that, I too, am enlisted ”till the conflict is o’er; happy are we” (Hymns 250). I will not be discouraged, though the dangers may gather. I can make my home a place of refuge even with the world at my door. And I will help my neighbors enclose my city with rocks, with Christ the chief cornerstone. And I will let my light shine so that the world may see that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. (The Family: a Proclamation to the World.)

Mommy Knows Best

Tue, 27 May 2003 08:22:00 -0600

by Colleen Down
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I recently saw a T-shirt that read, "My mother is a travel agent—she specializes in guilt trips." Don’t we all? We mothers make such good travel agents because we’ve been on so many of those trips ourselves.

Every morning offers dozens of reasons to feel guilty. I feel guilty when I get up because Martha Stewart wouldn’t want me to leave the bed—the focal point of the room—unmade. I quickly brush my teeth and run out the door to get my child to school. We miss the bus—again.

I feel guilty because he yelled “shotgun,” and wants to make the five-minute ride to school sitting in the front seat where the air bag is primed to go off at any moment. I feel guilty because he’ll have to tell the office lady why he’s late—again.

Then I run home, hop in the shower, and lather up with Suave instead of Paul Mitchell shampoo. I feel guilty because my hair dresser said Suave will make my hair fall out. I grab a leftover chocolate chip cookie and a banana for breakfast, and feel guilty for not thinking of my cholesterol and eating oatmeal. I throw clothes in the dryer, including the sweater that yells, “Line Dry Only.” Paying a few bills, I feel guilty for using return labels from the Cancer Society (I never sent a donation).

I flip on the television and watch an exercise guru tell me not to bother folding my laundry, but enroll in a kick boxing class instead! Commercials remind me the washcloth in the kitchen sink is a prime carrier of bubonic plague, and if I don’t start buying antibacterial soap we’re all going to die.

The TV asks if I’ve taken my calcium supplement, as an old lady in a rocking char gazes at the sunset—or was that the Viagra commercial? More experts remind me I’m overdue for a pap smear, a mammogram and an oil change. It’s not even lunchtime and already I’m feeling totally inadequate.

The afternoon brings notes from teachers reminding me my child is behind in spelling and his lunch account is overdrawn.

Neighbors phone to ask if I know that my child just rode down the street without her bicycle helmet. A computer calls to tell me I have three library books overdue. I get dinner on and realize one of he basic food groups, or whatever it is we’re now supposed to measure dinner by, is missing. I do my best helping with homework while wondering why I never kept up on algebraic equations. I send my children to bed feeling guilty for not spending time reading to each of them.

Finally, I crawl under the covers and begin drifting off to sleep, remembering that experts say my electric blanket sends out harmful electromagnetic waves. Oh well, if my hair falls out I won’t have to worry about using that cheap shampoo anymore.

Surrounded By Experts

We live in a world of experts. Madison Avenue uses the opinion of “experts” to feed our guilt and empty our wallets. In no area are we more prone to trust experts than that of childcare. Thankfully, Bill Cosby reminds us these child-care experts are usually people who have no children.

Surrounded by so many experts, it’s no wonder we forget who the real expert is. We are our child’s number-one advocate, and cannot turn this responsibility over to anyone else. While the school, church, and parks and recreation department can make our job easier, it’s not their job to raise our kids.

Each mother is the only person in the world who knows her own child. Like sonar, we recognize our own child’s cry on a playground full of children. We know which blanket our child needs when not feeling well. We know when our children are truly sick—and when they want to stay home because they didn’t finish their homework.

We must trust our instincts and not be so easily swayed by the advice of experts. An education team once evaluated my son, Andy. Sitting around a large conference table with a dozen psychologists, therapists and teachers, I was totally intimidated—until I saw the humor of the situation.

Here were people—who’d each spent no more than 30 minutes with my son—handing me reams of reports. Naturally, they contained no practical information—like why he insisted on flushing Barbie dolls down the toilet. I never saw any of these people again, but for a small moment they had me convinced they knew what was best.

While we need to learn from those who work with our children, mothers are among the very few people in our children’s lives who’re there for the long haul. Babysitters come and go. Teachers, Scout leaders, coaches, dance teachers, and neighbors all impact our children’s lives—and then move on.

Changing Advice

One reason to be skeptical of experts' advice is that it often changes with every generation. When my first child was born in the 1980s, everything was au natural. Steve and I faithfully took a pillow to our weekly Lamaze class. We spent two hours learning to visualize ourselves on the beach and breathe deeply. Sixteen years later, those breathing exercises actually came in handy while I was teaching that baby to drive!

I kept my baby in my hospital room, sure that If anyone else were to offer her a bottle our mother/child bond would be broken for life. A decade later I was still having babies, but had moved to the medicated mode. The anesthesiologist replaced my Lamaze instructor, and I let a nurse give my baby a little sugar water so I could get some sleep.

The changes through my baby-bearing years can be seen in the diaper hall of fame. I began with cloth diapers that had to be rinsed in the toilet. I then progressed to the first Pampers that fastened with diaper pins. Lacking elastic leg bands, they made babies veritable time bombs waiting to explode. I now use ultra-modern, Velcro-fastened diapers. The alphabet printed on them teaches my baby to read as he’s being changed.

The challenge parents face is knowing which ideas are passing fads, and which are timeless principles. In the 1920s, behaviorist John Watson warned mothers to never hug and kiss their children. After reading Watson’s theories, I finally understood why grandmother kept insisting I’d spoil my new born daughter if I held her too much. This was the “expert” advice she’d heard as a young mother.

I wonder what advice I’m now following my children will someday laugh at. Worse, will my children need a therapist to recover from expert advice I’ve chose to follow? Not if my child-raising is principle-based.

Listen to Your Heart

True principles of love, discipline, humor and respect never change, no matter what the magazines say. They’re timeless. If we’re well grounded in these principles, we’re generally safe when we follow our hearts. Deep down inside, we usually know what to do—but sometimes we must listen to our hearts. We sometimes need to pull our minds over to the side of the road and let our hearts tell us which way to go. We can’t leave our brains by the roadside, but we should allow our hearts to lead us and let our minds follow.

The day I graduated from college, I was six months pregnant with my second child. I’d dreamed of graduation day all my life. It was a tangible goal I’d finally reached. As we sat around the table that night, my dad asked me about my future plans. What kind of career would I have? Had I sent off job applications? What was I going to do with that every expensive diploma now held tightly in my hand? He was shocked when I said, “I’m going to stay home.”

“Colleen, think this through,” he said. “Your husband hasn’t finished school and soon you’ll have another mouth to feed.”

I couldn’t find words to explain the feelings of my heart. I only knew I had a beautiful little girl who had changed my life. Soon I would have a new baby to love and nurture. My heart had already decided my new career was to be at home. My mind would just have to work out the details later. Would money be tights? Of course! I used cloth diapers on my first three children, we had dings on our credit report, we shared on car—and I’ve had cabin fever since I left school. Do I have any regrets? No, not one!

Children need Mom to be the most important person in their life. It’s time to set aside inadequacies and trust our instincts as we fight the battles ahead. At the end of the day we must feel less guilt—and more confidence and passion. We have God-given intuition and knowledge to do the job well. Occasionally we need to place a waffle with a scoop of ice cream in front of our children for dinner. Then smile and say, “Mommy knows best.”

Teaching Children Effective Social Skills

Mon, 27 Jan 2003 07:57:00 -0700

by Dr. Victor B. Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Every parent wants their children to grow up to be productive, happy adults. But what makes people happy? More than any other single factor, happiness comes from an ability to get along with other people.

Happy people are those who have close, warm relationships with a significant number of others. When disaster strikes, people who can form close relationships are better able to weather the storm, despite temporary grief or loss. One of the most important things a parent can do for their children is to help them develop social skills and good relationships.

Socially successful people are attractive—but not solely on the basis of personal appearance. They make a good impression on new acquaintances, creating a desire for a closer relationship. They’re able to meet other people’s emotional and social needs. They offer rewarding friendships. Finally, socially successful people have no irrational expectations of others. Secure in themselves, they’re able to cope with occasional indifference or rejection.

Improving Personal Attractiveness

Teach your children early that personal attractiveness goes beyond physical appearance. Superficial good looks may at first attract others, but appearance alone is seldom sufficient to support successful long-term relationships.

Here are ten simple suggestions to help children improve their attractiveness to others:

1. Observe cleanliness.

Anyone can improve his or her appearance simply by keeping themselves clean, well groomed, and orally hygienic. Before they leave home, have them make sure they have no offensive breath or body odors. Children should learn early to bathe regularly and dress neatly.

2. Dress in socially acceptable clothing.

Don’t clothe your child in strange or unusual styles. If their friends wear jeans to school, allow them to follow suit. In their middle-and high-school years, a children’s self-image is largely shaped by peer acceptance. If their friends think they look dorky, that’s two strikes against them.

3. Practice good manners.

Teach your children the simple rules of courtesy, helpfulness, graciousness, and decency that help smooth social relationships. Children need to develop basic respect and tolerance for others’ thoughts, actions, and opinions. They’ll learn this only if you treat them with similar respect. If you deride their opinions—“That’s dumb”—they’re likely to treat their friends the same way.

When you disagree with what they have to say, do it politely, respecting their right to hold a different opinion. Treat the mistakes of others with good humor, tolerance and understanding.

4. Achieve competence.

Attractiveness means being valuable and interesting to others. Help your children find things they can become good at. Encourage them to learn baseball, rock climbing, or how to play a musical instrument. Let them become acquainted with new innovations in computer technology, cars, sports, books, music and other interesting subjects. If they aren’t well informed about the world they live in, they’ll have little to share with others.

5. Learn verbal skills.

Most social interactions take place on a verbal level. Talk frequently with you children about things that interest them and things that interest you. Encourage them to express themselves often about a variety of subjects. Include them in conversations with your friends. Verbal skills are honed through a lifetime of practice.

Verbal skills shouldn’t be limited to small talk. To sustain healthy relationships, your children need to learn to talk about their feelings. Verbalize your own feelings so they can learn the vocabulary of emotional expression.

6. Minimize or correct physical flaws.

If your child has crooked teeth, by all means get them straightened at the appropriate age. Acne can ruin a teenager’s life—consult a dermatologist as soon as pimples begin developing to avoid permanent scarring. Help your children avoid obesity. Once they think of themselves as fat, the battle for physical fitness becomes much harder.

The same is true of obnoxious personal traits. If your child is a grabber, a screamer or a pouter, overcome those problems early by a consistent reinforcement of more positive traits. Habits that could make their lives harder in the future should be corrected early.

When children lack good social skills, other children will often ignore them, fueling insecurities and damaging their feelings of self worth.

7. Encourage children to be helpful.

Children can learn to give many kinds of help. Teaching your five-year-old to take the silverware out of the dishwasher so Mommy doesn’t have to do the work alone helps set the stage for your child’s future happiness. Years later, that child won’t hesitate to pitch in and help a friend trim a hedge or run errands. Working together is important to friendship.

8. Provide emotional aid.

Children need to learn to give comfort, as well as receive it. They can begin when they’re very small. “Look, Darrell, Amy fell down and hurt her knee. We need to help her feel better. Let’s give her a love.”

You can do the same things in your family by bringing appropriate problems into the open. “We need to be especially nice to Don tonight, Ben. He’s had a bad day—Sarah broke up with him. Maybe you could help him take his mind off it by taking him outside to shoot a few baskets.” Children need to feel a responsibility toward others they care about.

9. Encourage perceptiveness.

Unfortunately, there’s no sure way to teach your child how to understand others. Even trained psychologists often fail to fully understand their patients. But you can at least train your child to try.

“Why do you think Arnie’s so angry with you?” you ask your daughter.

“I don’t know,” she responds.

“What are some things that might have caused it?”

She thinks about this and together you come up with a list of possibilities. The answers you come up with aren’t half as important as teaching your child to look for answers. The more she looks for the reasons behind others’ actions, the better she’ll become at understanding and this will help her be a better friend.

10. Guard personal security.

Perhaps most important of all is your children’s personal security. A person who doesn’t believe he’s desirable won’t willingly enter social situations. It is important to help your child develop a good self-image.

People who have never been in a demanding social situation and have no concept of how to behave—or carry on a conversation—shy away from social contact. They’re likely to fail in many social situations, and each failure adds to their certainty that they just can’t cope. It’s vitally important for your child to have many experiences in social success. This helps the child build confidence and feel personally secure around others.

Inevitably, children experience rejection as they grow up. Other children may ignore them or exclude them from a group. How do you handle this?

“They’re not good enough for you anyway!” is one strategy many parents use. But this only teaches the rejected child to retaliate. “Getting even” is never a good strategy. Instead, comfort the child and reassure them of their worth. “I know you a lot better than they do, and I like you a lot,” you say. Your child may pretend these words don’t help but don’t believe it. These worlds often help a lot.

There’s no way to make your child entirely emotionally self-sufficient. But you can give your children enough inner strength to rebound from rejection and return to other existing or new friendships as quickly as possible. Help them avoid dwelling on failed relationships.

As parents, you can change your children’s environment and help them grow and be happy. The results won’t be uniform as every child is different. But it’s your reasonability to give your children the best chance of success in life that you possibly can. Helping them develop better relationships through improved social skills will pave the way to lifelong happiness.

Staying Connected

Wed, 27 Nov 2002 08:38:00 -0700

by Connie Sokol
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We all inevitably experience joy and sorrow. What we choose to do next is up to us.

In his classic The Great Divorce, a story about the separation of Heaven and Hell, C.S. Lewis describes the journey of a person taking a bus trip to visit Heaven. The traveler asks his guide why such a large downtown as Hell has so few people living there. The guide replies, "The trouble is they're so quarrelsome. As soon as anyone arrives he settles in some street. Before he's been there 24 hours he quarrels with his neighbor. Before the week is over he's quarreled so badly he decides to move. After he moves, he's sure to have another quarrel pretty soon, and then he'll move on again..."

So it is with many of us today. How many times have you heard, felt or said, "I can't deal with this anymore, let's just move!" We live in communities and drive the same roads with the implied understanding that we're doing our best. But living side by side, we're open and vulnerable. Over time, we'll inevitably experience situations both difficult and delightful. When things become difficult, it's easy to react defensively and look questioningly at the neighbors we once thought we knew.

When something goes sour (a borrowed weed eater isn't returned, or we hear our name slandered) we're hurt and instinctively pull away.

In spite of such times, one thing stands true. What's important in life is that we love. Love is both simple and complex. For everyday people like ourselves, love triggers a constant push/pull in our souls. It brings out our strongest feelings of justice and mercy, right and wrong, with the ability to continue loving somewhere in between.

Love is looking beyond what we see, feel and know to have a fuller understanding. It's believing that every person is trying his or her best just to get up, breathe and face the day. For many, even that can be a Herculean task.

In his book Illusions, Richard Bach said that people in our lives are there for a reason. What we choose to do with them is up to us.

We can pull away, and for a time that may be necessary. But our gut knows that, in the end, true happiness is found in learning how to stay connected in the face of emotional separation. Someone once said that we are here to learn how to taste of the bitter cup without ourselves becoming bitter. Loving while hurting is one of the hardest things we can do. If we allow it to be, purposeful pain can be a powerful teacher. If we seek deeper insights from a higher source, we may find purpose in such pain.

When you experience an emotional challenge, try viewing it in another way. Take time in a different mental or physical place to look at the situation from a different perspective, without placing blame. If you truly desire and ask for peace, you'll eventually feel and know it.

One lady recently said, "People are human, get over it." More importantly, go through it, be a part of it, don't avoid it. Perceiving and embracing people as people, with all the weird and wonderful things people do, also helps us embrace those things within ourselves.

Exercising Through the Holidays

Wed, 27 Nov 2002 08:22:00 -0700

by Kelli Calabrese
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: During a busy time like the holidays, we all tend to neglect our health. Being in top physical condition can help you manage the demands of a season that is full of activity—and stress. Stay in tip-top shape for handling the load that the holidays can bring.

Wouldn’t it be great to enjoy the holiday season feeling invigorated, rather than stressed and fatigued? Exercising through the holidays will not only help us managed the addition al stressors, but will also put us one step ahead of our health-oriented New Year’s resolutions.

Create some new traditions.

Instead of the usual baking fest, consider training for an event with your family like the “Turkey Trot” or “Jingle Bell Run.” Having a physical goal in mind such as training for a 5K run will help you to stay on track with your workouts. Even traditional holiday activities such as caroling through the neighborhood on foot or sledding down the town hill will burn calories and keep the heart pumping. You and your family may be delighted with some new activity-based family customs, and not even miss all of the lard and sugar you avoid in the process.

Manage your time.

If you start holiday shopping early and pre-plan the parties you wish to attend, you’ll not fell as pressured to give up your exercise sessions. Try putting all of your workouts in your planner for the months of November through December and stick to them just as you would any other important appointment. Be firm about keeping that commitment and resolve toward maintaining good health through these notoriously decadent months.

Review your goals and priorities.

Your life has many important parts including family, work, spiritual growth, recreation and health, which can be especially hard to balance around the holiday. Studies have shown that those who take care of their health—specifically through exercise—are better able to take care of others and achieve balance in al areas of their life. Taking a little time for your physical fitness will pay big dividends at this time of year.

Measure your progress.

Knowing your starting point and tracking your improvements throughout the holidays will inspire you to continue. Get out the scale, stopwatch, camera, and measuring tape to record your starting points and create a folder to store your stats, along with workout cards, and personal goals. This will be a good comparison and motivator as you are progressing or if you reach a plateau. Re-evaluate your level of fitness and compare your improvements from today to that of January 1st, 2004. You may be delighted at how much stronger, flexible and fit you are.

Put fitness gear on your holiday list.

If anyone asks what you want this holiday season, politely reply that you would prefer a gift certificate to the gym, a new pair of running shoes, a heart rate monitor, a pair of skiis, or a new workout tape. You will get a lot more mileage from new workout apparel than from anything else.

Take advantage of winter activities.

If you live in a cold climate, the world is your gym. Consider cross-country skiing, snowshoeing, or ice skating. If you live in a warm climate, go for a bike ride, walk or swim. Outdoor activities will add to the mental and spiritual dimensions of physical activity and help to keep your holiday anxiety to a minimum.

Sign up for lessons.

If you commit to taking dance lessons throughout the holidays, not only will you have built in some enjoyable exercise time, but you will be able to show off all of your latest moves on New Year’s Eve. You may want to sign up for a winter session of kickboxing, tennis, or swimming.

Choose an activity that you will enjoy and consider singing up fro the follow up course in the spring. You may even be motivated to enter a competition and bring your fitness to a whole new level.

Workout first thing in the morning.

If you complete your workout as your very first task of the day, then there won’t be unexpected obstacles to compete with your workout time. During the holidays there is a greater chance of alternate activities in the evenings, so play ahead by working out first things in you day. Your body will get used to the morning exercise routine, giving you added energy for holiday shopping.

Convenience is a factor.

If you find you don’t have time to go to the gym, break out the workout videos, dust off the home equipment or resort to basics like walking, sit-ups and push-ups. Do what you can to pick up the pace and find creative ways to fit in activity.

Don’t procrastinate!

If you wait until next Monday, they you’ll wait until January are then you’ll wait until spring. Start out with some form of movement until it becomes a habit, and you begin to formalize your plan. You’re far more likely into to slip into patterns of inactivity if you address them ahead of time and are prepared with alternatives. Have a safe, happy and fit holiday season.

A Personal Quest: Lachoneus, Relief Society, and Me

Tue, 05 Feb 2002 11:23:00 -0700

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: A lot of what Lachoneus taught his people we are being taught now, in sources such as the Relief Society Declaration... so we are first directed to "increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ through prayer and scripture study." ... "seek spiritual strength," as we should do "by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost...."

It had been one year since the Relief Society Declaration had been presented at the 1999 Women's General Conference. Sitting again at the same conference, I was considering my accomplishments during the year and their relation to that document as I heard President Mary Ellen Smoot declare, "When obedience becomes a quest, it is no longer an irritation" (Mary Ellen Smoot, "We Are Instruments in the Hands of God," Ensign, November 2000).

A quest, I contemplated, a pursuit. I understood that. I had recently completed my career training, and soon afterward my husband had achieved his graduate degree. We were now living in a new home in a new city, pursuing further ambitions, striving not to let the accomplishments we had just reached excuse a halt in continuing forward.

I realized, however, that it was not Heavenly Father's commandments individually that first jumped to my mind when I thought of long-term goals, even though those goals, such as home and family development, would follow the gospel. I wanted to be righteous, but didn't always think about what that should entail over the next several years. At the same time, I did not consider my visions for the future in my daily plans, either. Suddenly I understood that the two must work together.

"We are beloved spirit daughters of God," the RS Declaration had proclaimed, "and our lives have a meaning, purpose, and direction. As a worldwide sisterhood, we are united in our devotion to Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar. We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who:

Increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ through prayer and scripture study.
Seek spiritual strength by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost.
Dedicate ourselves to strengthening marriages, families, and homes.
Find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood.
Delight in service and good works.
Love life and learning.
Stand for truth and righteousness.
Sustain the priesthood as the authority of God on earth.
Rejoice in the blessings of the temple, understand our divine destiny, and strive for exaltation" (Relief Society General Presidency, as presented by Mary Ellen Smoot, "Rejoice, Daughters of Zion," Ensign, November 1999).

I remembered that my initial response to this declaration had been one of excitement and inspiration. I was certainly reminded of the Young Women's theme, which also asserts, "We are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us," and identifies the values needed in life and the blessings that can come from living them. It came to me as a beckoning to improve and come closer to my Heavenly Father.

Not everyone had felt this way, however. I recalled a discussion that arose in a Relief Society lesson regarding the declaration, in which I was surprised to discover how many of the sisters were immensely depressed and weighed down by it, considering it a demand for perfection that they were expected to achieve but certainly never could. While an expectation for the immediate ability to stand to all of these qualities had never come to my mind, this had showed me that perhaps I'd had a more laid-back view than was intended. I had been loving the beauty of the idea, but not fully putting the principle into action. For several days and weeks I thought about everything that had come to my mind during that lesson, wondering how best to improve my efforts. Now, almost a year later, I pondered even further the "meaning, purpose, and direction" my life should take.

With Sister Smoot's words ringing in my ears, I went to Sunday School the next day. As the lesson progressed I realized that the exact Book of Mormon chapters I had been reading through that last week reinforced what I had been thinking about, and in fact showed a type for our day and the quest in my own life.

In 3 Nephi, the time of the coming of Christ was at hand. The prophesies of Samuel the Lamanite were being fulfilled, and the prophet Nephi had continually taught the people, "baptizing unto repentance, in the which there was a great remission of sins. And thus the people began...to have a great peace in the land" (1:23).

There were people, however, who had become "less and less astonished at a sign or a wonder from heaven, insomuch that they began to be hard in their hearts, and blind in their minds" (2:1). Indeed, "Thus did Satan get possession of the hearts of the people again, insomuch that he did blind their eyes and lead them away to believe that the doctrine of Christ was a foolish and vain thing" (2:2).

It was the Gadianton robbers to whom the wicked people dissented, joining with them out in the cities' mountainous outskirts until they "did infest the land; for so strong were their holds and their secret places that the people could not overpower them" (1:27). In fact, this band became so strong that the Nephites and Lamanites united to fight off utter destruction. When the Lamanites united with the Nephites, "their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites" (2:15).

Lachoneus, the Nephite governor, received an epistle from the Gadianton leader Giddianhi, allegedly recognizing the strength of the Nephites but nonetheless demanding that they join with them wholeheartedly, "and become acquainted with our secret works, and become our brethren that ye may be like unto us - not our slaves, but our brethren and partners" (3:7). Otherwise, Giddianhi vowed, he would send his armies in one month, "and they shall not stay their hand and shall spare not, but shall slay you...even until you become extinct" (3:8).

Being a just man who "could not be frightened" by such words, Lachoneus first and foremost told his people to pray, to "cry unto the Lord for strength"(3:12). Then he "sent a proclamation among all the people, that they should gather together their women, and their children, their flocks and their herds, and all their substance, save it were their land, into one place" (3:13). The people began immediately to build fortifications around their dwelling, and armies of the Nephite and Lamanite people were commanded to guard day and night (3:14).

Lachoneus also knew that the people needed spiritual strength with their physical strength. Thus he told them, "As the Lord liveth, except ye repent of all your iniquities, and cry unto the Lord, ye will in nowise be delivered out of the hands of those Gadianton robbers" (3:15). The fear of God that these words brought upon his people compelled them to follow their righteous leader fully.

For two years the Nephites watched the robbers plunder through all the lands they had left behind. It became quickly evident that there was nothing in the lands they were taking up, however, and that they would have to stand against the Nephites after all. After years of preparation and then patience, these righteous people took up armor and weapons as their leaders instructed them. They had taken upon themselves a quest in following the direction of the Lord, and because of this quest there was no irritation. When the men of Giddianhi came to fight the men of God, "there were many thousands who did yield themselves up prisoners unto the Nephites, and the remainder of them were slain" (4:27). Because of their valiant obedience, the Lord brought the Nephites to victory over Satan and his band.

Unfortunately, only a few years passed before some people became prideful, irritated once more by the principle of obedience. Satan began again to lead hearts away, until the government of the people was overthrown and these united people became divided into tribes of wickedness (chapter 7).

I recognized as I pondered the lesson that we need to follow today the same principles the Nephites were following then, doing many of the same things they did. In fact, a lot of what Lachoneus taught his people in these chapters we are being taught now, in sources such as the Relief Society Declaration.

Just as this Nephite leader first told his followers to cry unto the Lord, so we are first directed to "increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ through prayer and scripture study." He also taught them to "seek spiritual strength," as we should do "by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost."

The directive to "dedicate ourselves to strengthening marriages, families, and homes" does not refer only to our own marriages, families, and homes, of course. As the Nephites joined together to strengthen, uphold, and defend one another's families, individual homes and families also became stronger. In addition, they built a strong home foundation for one large family, the kind of family that the Church encompasses today.

Surely the women of that day were able to "find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood" as they also worked to bring this strong city together! Surely the nobility they saw in their husbands, sons, fathers, brothers, friends, and leaders brought joy and nobility to them as well! "Delight in service and good works" filled their hearts as they helped one another, looking for little things that would lighten another's load and strengthening each other in the work the Lord had given them.

"Love life and learning," the declaration states. Since not all of them would have already been architects or carpenters, these and many other capacities were developed among them as they undertook their projects, in addition to spiritual learning Consider, too, how precious their lives became to them as they were threatened!

These people were bold in their "stand for truth and righteousness," even willing to risk their lives before joining with the Gadianton robbers and their evil practices. They knew that all they were doing depended on whether they could truly "sustain the priesthood as the authority of God on earth." Even as some went to Gidgiddoni, the armies' chief captain and "a great prophet among them" (3:19) for permission to go up into the mountains and attack in the robbers' own land, they told him to "pray unto the Lord" to see if it was right (3:20), and when he told them he would not, they stood with him.

The last goal in the declaration, to "rejoice in the blessings of the temple, understand our divine destiny, and strive for exaltation," was a unique part of the Nephites' quest in relation to our own. While marriages, though not performed in the temple by the law of Moses, were celestial under the law of the gospel and the holy priesthood (see BD Marriage), the endowment was not given until after Christ's resurrection, several years after the time of their quest (see Luke 24:49, TG Endowment). Their temple held in it different blessings for them than ours holds for us, and may not even have been directly involved in the stand against the robbers. Yet, in accord with the declaration, they recognized the Lord as their God, saw in him their goal, and strove toward his desires for them.

Today, our quest cannot be complete without the blessings now found only within the walls of the temple, and our efforts to maintain worthiness for these blessings. This is the ultimate fulfillment of what the Lord can give us in this lifetime, and what we can reach toward in the hereafter. It is not something we all can attain in this lifetime; in truth, I believe none of us will fully understand our divine destiny while on the earth. Nonetheless, each of us can strive for exaltation joyfully in this era.

As we prepare today for the Second Coming of Christ, Satan finds ways to gather people around and even among us to fight on his side, cunningly spreading waste and carnage nearly everywhere we turn. It is our time to take up this quest of the people led by Nephi and Lachoneus, following the direction given by our prophet and other leaders of this day.

It is not possible or realistic for us all to join in one location, build up literal walls around ourselves, and shut out Satan's modern-day army. We cannot take away all of his resources, as the Nephites did those of the robbers when they hid away their food and flocks, nor is it the Lord's desire for us now to seclude ourselves waiting for an attack. The war has already begun, and the attack is here upon us. We must spiritually unite to strengthen one another in our battle against wickedness. The standards we have set, the commandments the Lord has given us, these are our shields and our weapons for this latter-day war. There is no time for us to allow pride or irritation to dissipate our battalion as we face this quest, for our war is not yet over.

At the 1999 Women's Conference, it was Sister Sheri L. Dew who said, "Tonight I invite each of us to identify at least one thing we can do to come out of the world and come closer to Christ. And then next month, another. And then another. Sisters, this is a call to arms, it's a call to action, a call to arise. A call to arm ourselves with power and with righteousness. A call to rely on the arm of the Lord rather than the arm of flesh. A call to 'arise and shine forth, that [our] light may be a standard for the nations' (D&C 115:5). A call to live as women of God so that we and our families may return safely home" (Sheri L. Dew, "We Are Women of God," Ensign, November 1999).

I did set a goal that month, and the next, and probably the next. Realizing recently that I lost track somewhere along the way, however, I have again pursued my personal quest to become as a woman of God. In part, I determined that I should keep a record, to be able to see what I am doing and have done, in what will become for me what my Young Women's Personal Progress once was.

I was grateful upon this decision to recall that even though I have kept volumes of hardbound journals, I had recently purchased one in binder form. This allowed me to insert a copy of the declaration, President Smoot's talk introducing the declaration and the principles behind it to help me find bases for my goals, Sister Dew's talk, and a page for each principle to record the goals on as I would set, work on, and fulfill them. I could also keep a bookmark copy of the declaration, given to me by the Relief Society leaders in my new ward, handy in my scriptures as a daily reminder.

Realizing that goalsetting would indeed be a gradual process and that knowing what goals should be set in each area would come when the time was right for them, I prayed to the Lord to help me get started. I was reassured that daily scripture study, the goal I was working on at that time and the first listed in the declaration, had been a wise place to start.

As I looked through other areas I would continue with, I saw some in which goals could be simple to identify, even if they were not so easy to follow through on. There are always opportunities for good works and service, both specific ("Do at least one batch of dishes and laundry daily," "Take dinner to Sister Baker's family when she has surgery next week," "Rake the Parks' back yard this Saturday") and general ("Watch next week for two unexpected times when people need my help").

But what goals could I set for finding nobility in motherhood while I have no children? Perhaps that would be best in helping my friend with her two young children for an afternoon, or even taking them off her hands so that she and her husband could share a quiet evening together. Serving in the nursery had certainly shown me the nobility of motherhood, as well, I realized. And I would no doubt have chances to find joy in womanhood. I noticed that the key word there was "find". This would be a chance to look, watch, observe, and record things I found in life that bring me joy in who I am, and in those with whom I come in contact.

Standing for truth and righteousness could mean finding a friend to bring into my home to share the gospel. It could also mean simply declining in another home what I know I should not share, or keeping out of my home what I would not want if the Lord were to be there. Keeping records of such experiences, however they might come, would build my confidence and surety in myself and the gospel as the Spirit testified to me that what I was doing was right - which, for that matter, would be along the lines of the second standard in the declaration. Once again, prayer should lead me to each appropriate goal as the time arises. My Heavenly Father would surely guide me on this quest.

One form of guidance began coming only recently in my January Ensign, when the Relief Society General Presidency declared that each Visiting Teaching lesson for 2002 would be based on a theme from the declaration. "Each message," they stated, "will include relevant scriptures, selected statements from Church leaders, and questions designed to prompt a discussion about the topic. As Relief Society sisters worldwide visit with one another, we will have the opportunity to consider a theme of importance to every sister and then to discuss it based upon what we learn from the scriptures and the teachings of worthy servants of God" (The Relief Society General Presidency, "For Such a Time as This," Ensign, January 2002). Reading this message brought joy and added energy to my heart as I looked forward to the coming year. I read the Visiting Teaching Message following the article from the Presidency, and soon knew in my heart what my goal for January should be.

As Sister Dew concluded at the 1999 conference: "We have such cause to rejoice, for the gospel of Jesus Christ is the voice of gladness! It is because the Savior overcame the world that we may overcome. It is because He rose on the third day that we may arise as women of God. May we lay aside the things of this world and seek for the things of a better. May we commit this very hour to come out of the world and to never look back"(Sheri L. Dew, "We Are Women of God," Ensign, November 1999).