Mormon Life - Same Sex tag

{LDSL Blog} Talking About Same-sex Attraction

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:06:00 -0600

by Jamie Lawson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In our May/June 2012 issue, we published an article about same-sex attraction that has evoked a wide range of responses. Here’s why we chose to do it.

The decision to publish an article about same-sex attraction in LDS Living was not made lightly. To be honest, I lost a fair amount of sleep over this story wondering how it would be received by our readers and if, in the end, it would be worth the risk.

We knew that many people, both inside and outside of the Church, would be uncomfortable or even offended by the topic. We also knew that by sharing their story, Ty and Danielle Mansfield would be subjecting themselves to scrutiny and criticism—something they were fully prepared to do. But we strongly believed that by running this story, we could accomplish three goals:

Facilitate within the Mormon culture a conversation about SSA.

Increase understanding and compassion for those experiencing SSA.

Give hope and encouragement to Church members who themselves are struggling with SSA.

This article was not meant to stir up controversy for the sake of controversy. And it definitely isn’t suggesting that there is a “magic formula” for everyone dealing with this issue. Rather, it gives an honest look into the heart and mind of a man with same-sex attraction who also has a firm testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and is doing everything in his power to live it. Since Ty had previously resigned himself to the fact that he would never marry in this life, I found it fascinating and touching to learn how Ty and Danielle’s love story unfolded and how they keep their marriage on solid ground. And judging from the responses we have received, it seems many of our readers did, too.

That’s not to say that we haven’t received a fair amount of criticism—we certainly have. But as Ty and I have shared the feedback we’ve received, both positive and negative, it’s clear that we have accomplished our goals. We have received e-mails, Facebook messages, and handwritten letters from Church members who are secretly battling with SSA, from bishops who are doing their best to counsel members dealing with this issue, and even from members who don’t struggle with it but have been inspired by Ty and Danielle to work harder to strengthen their marriages. The messages have been deeply personal and heartfelt, expressing pain and sorrow, as well as renewed hope and faith, and I’m grateful that they took the time to tell us how the story has affected them.

So was it worth the risk? Absolutely. To know that even one person has been touched by Ty and Danielle’s story, and to know that LDS Living had the privilege of being a small part of it, makes it all worthwhile. Thank you, Ty and Danielle, for your honesty and courage. I know many of us are better people because of it.

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Jamie Lawson is managing editor of LDS Living magazine. She has two adorable boys who help her stay up to date on the latest technology, fashion trends, and catch phrases.

Living with Same-sex Attraction: Our Story

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by Ty and Danielle Mansfield
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In 2003, Ty Mansfield wrote an essay for a class at BYU about how he—a member of the LDS Church who has experienced same-sex attraction—had found peace through the gospel of Jesus Christ. That essay resulted in a book, In Quiet Desperation, that made Ty's private struggle public. In 2011 he published an anthology on the same topic, Voices of Hope: Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction.

Editor's note:

Same-sex attraction is a sensitive and complex issue. We feel it is important to try to understand how we can better meet the needs of friends, family, and Church members who experience SSA. Ty and Danielle graciously shared the following story as a first step in creating a more open dialogue about same-gender attraction in the LDS community. We are in no way suggesting marriage is a catch-all solution; we recognize everyone’s experience is different. This is simply one man’s story of finding fulfillment and happiness while living in harmony with the gospel.

I hadn’t originally intended to be so open about my feelings of same-sex attraction. When I was first approached about the possibility of including some thoughts in In Quiet Desperation, I was hesitant. Although I had worked through a crisis of faith around the issue and felt a lot of peace, I was quite private about whom I opened up to. I still felt some shame given the cultural taboo around it and I was concerned about how people would respond.

However, I also knew that through my experience I had gained some spiritual insights I hoped could be of help to others. I agreed to tell my story with the assumption that, if it were published, I would use a pseudonym. I felt trust in the love the Lord had for me and in the path I was on, but I didn’t have the same trust in people, given the climate of cultural attitudes around this issue. The thought of blowing the doors off my privacy felt so overwhelmingly vulnerable that I just didn’t feel I could go there.

As the book was going through the editing process, the theme of being a witness started to show up more frequently in my personal scripture study. I kept thinking of Alma’s declaration that covenant disciples are to “stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that [they] may be in” (Mosiah 18:9). The Spirit impressed upon me that the power of my witness would be diminished if I used anything other than my real name. I felt there was only one right choice for me in that particular situation.

On Marriage

I had pretty much concluded that I probably wouldn’t marry in this life, and I had come to a place where I was okay with that. I had let go of any personal or cultural pressure to marry and was content to stay single. Then I had an experience in which I felt prompted to continue to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for the blessing of marriage and leave the rest to the Lord. As much as I felt I wouldn’t marry, I tried to leave it an open question and to trust in God. I felt good about that spiritually, but I continued to experience some emotional ups and downs.

Some time after that, I was earnestly seeking additional divine guidance. I was feeling frustration around some deep emotional connections I had developed with another guy, and it hurt that I couldn’t have what a part of me really wanted. I needed some spiritual reassurance. It was general conference time, so I wrote down some of my most heartfelt questions and went into the Saturday morning session fasting.

As soon as the opening prayer was given, I was completely enveloped by this spiritual feeling. I hardly remember anything that was said during the session, but the feeling was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. For nearly two hours, all the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the frustration were completely gone. In their place was this feeling of divine love I had also never experienced. As a part of that, there was a feeling of what I perceived as pure celestial love and desire to be with a daughter of God in the most holy, connected, and uniting of ways. The world’s portrayal of love and romance seemed so shallow and “false” in comparison. With the feeling came the words: “Just stay with me. If you do, this is the feeling you will someday feel—and it will be a permanent part of your being.” And then suddenly, as the end of the session approached, the feeling left. I didn’t know how I would eventually grow into that feeling as an integral part of my being, but I trusted that God would lead me there.

I experienced some gradual change over time as I continued to try to stay close to and be led by the Spirit and as I sought other various means of personal growth. As I did so, I went from believing I probably wouldn’t marry in this life, to believing I probably would marry but later rather than sooner, to then believing it would be sooner rather than later, until I finally met Danielle and had a strong impression that she was the woman I would marry.

In this area and so much of my life, I feel I’ve had to live the principle President Boyd K. Packer taught of going to “the edge of the light and [stepping] into the darkness to discover that the way is lighted ahead for just a footstep or two” (That All May Be Edified (1982), 340). We have to put Him first today, taking the necessary steps of faith today, and simply trust Him to take care of tomorrow. It’s only been through my learning and living that principle that the Lord has slowly been revealing to me His plan for my life.

On Danielle

During my freshman year at BYU, the year before my mission, I sang in the BYU Men’s Chorus with Danielle’s brother Clint. We got to be friends, and he would invite me to sing with him and his brothers on various occasions. On one occasion he asked if I’d sing with them at the mission farewell of his twin sister, Olivia.

That was when I met the whole family. I remember being briefly introduced to Danielle, but that was about it. More than anything, there was this overwhelming impression of the goodness of that family. I loved all of them.

I left on my mission shortly after that, and eventually I lost touch with their family. After graduating and spending a few years in D.C., I decided to change careers and go back to graduate school. I felt impressed to move back to Utah to do my prereqs at BYU. I was also dating a girl from Salt Lake at the time, and I knew if anything were going to happen, we needed to live in proximity. Within weeks of my moving back to Utah, that relationship ended. Around the same time, I was running some errands, and, while waiting in a checkout line, I heard, “Are you Ty Mansfield?” I looked over and there was Danielle.

Excited to get a Palmer family update, I chatted with Danielle for a few minutes, and she told me what her family members were up to. That was our only contact until we reconnected again a couple years later via Facebook and would occasionally write on each other’s Facebook wall for birthdays and such. She always had cute, witty things to say. After a handful of brief, friendly Facebook exchanges over the next year or two, I thought a date couldn’t hurt.

It had been a long time since I’d had a desire to take anyone out. There was something this time that was different for me. I still don’t know if I can put my finger on what was happening, but I felt this sense of the Spirit working on my heart, preparing me for the possibility of marriage.

Living in Texas, however, I knew the only opportunity to take Danielle out would be when I came home to visit for Christmas break. So during that break between semesters, I took her out several times.

It was interesting because dating and nurturing a relationship had never felt so easy for me. I felt this distinct spiritual undercurrent through every step of the process. I was drawn to Danielle in multiple ways, but the spiritual feeling of “rightness” seemed to be the driving force during this formative period. There wasn’t any talk, though, of a long-term relationship. I was leaving to go back to Texas, and she lived in Utah. A few days before I left, we talked about our mutual interest but ultimately didn’t know what to do other than to leave it an open question. However, I had a strong feeling this courtship was moving toward marriage.

A few weeks later, Danielle had a business trip close to where I was living in Texas, so she stopped over to visit me for several days. It was during that time that the unmistakable confirmation came. It wasn’t long before we were engaged, and we married a few months later. The day after our first wedding anniversary, we welcomed our first, beautiful little boy into our family: Gabriel Tanielu.

On the Response

There was a pretty negative response in the media when we announced our engagement, but it was through that experience that I realized just how good of a woman I was getting. I mean, I knew Danielle was a high-caliber woman, but her response to the scrutiny and criticism was inspiring to me. After I read one particular statement posted online, I just felt sad for her. I had gotten used to criticism from various camps and had developed a pretty thick skin. But I felt sad that she was being brought into the mix.

One statement in particular came out during a weekend when Danielle had flown back to Utah for wedding preparations while I was in school in Texas. The statement was aimed at discrediting me and our relationship and alluded to some things I had written a few years prior. After reading the statement, Danielle wrote me an e-mail. I already felt we had a pretty solid foundation for our relationship, but some of the things Danielle wrote confirmed that. It also confirmed to me that my efforts to cultivate the pure love I’d felt during my spiritual experience years earlier during that Saturday morning general conference session had borne fruit. She wrote:

“The one nice thing about looking at all of this stuff was that as I relooked at some of the things you had written, I felt that you love me now more than many people ever love their partners or spouses. Your love for me existed long before we ever went on our first date, because it was a love you were trying to cultivate with Christ as your example, before you even felt that marriage to a woman would be possible in this life. It was who you were trying to be.

“I think so many people rely on their hormones and/or their emotions to drive them that they get stuck feeling for their spouse whatever those things tell them to feel. And then if they try to feel otherwise, to love their spouse more than what hormones or emotions tell them to, they feel like they’re doing their spouse a favor rather than recognizing that they hadn’t understood how to truly love in the first place.

“I think that us coming into each other’s lives, feeling drawn to each other and attracted to who the other person was and is, and then deciding that we want to unite our lives and continue to care for and love each other and to build our love together all while striving to become more like Christ, as a team with Christ. . . . I feel sad for people who don’t get it and who have reduced love and marriage to a mere shadow of what it was intended to be and how beautiful it can be.”

On Making It Work

Even though that e-mail was written before Danielle and I were married, it encapsulates what we’ve been seeking to cultivate in our marriage since then and what has been the foundation of our relationship. And it’s been beautiful and rich and rewarding.

I think the greatest difficulties Danielle and I have experienced in our marriage are fairly typical of what most people experience—balancing work, school, family time, Church callings, and other interests; figuring out how to keep bills paid; etc. I think the joys have also been fairly typical of those that grow out of any healthy, gospel-centered relationship.

The thing I love most about my relationship with Danielle is the friendship we share. If there’s anyone who knows how to make me laugh, it’s Danielle. It’s one of the first things that drew me to her. We love to spend time with each other.

One of the greatest joys we’ve experienced has been the expansion of our family with little Gabriel. I know I’m biased, but I think he’s got to be the cutest kid ever born. I can’t look at him and not smile. There’s something so sacred and special about knowing that this little, eternal soul has been entrusted to our stewardship for his time on earth, and that we’ll be sealed together for the eternities.

Some have wondered how my openness about my experience with same-sex attraction will affect our family. When the time comes, we’ll figure out how to explain our story to our children. More than anything, I want them to know that they can talk about anything and that it’s okay to be honest about anything they feel or believe. If there is anything they struggle with, I don’t want them to feel shame about it. And I believe one of the most important ways to teach that kind of authenticity and openness is to model it.

Danielle’s Story

What Ty didn’t know until 12 years later is that the first time we met, my sister and I had specifically requested him to sing at her farewell. He had performed a solo in a Men’s Chorus concert a few months earlier, so we knew who he was. He had a beautiful tenor voice and he was incredibly good-looking, but that could have described a lot of men in the choir. There was something else about Ty. He stood out to us.

After we had met him, that feeling became even stronger. Ty had this innocence that was endearing. He was kind of shy, and it was obvious that he had no idea how good-looking he was. I was too timid myself to try to really get to know him, so I settled for having a crush from afar.

It must have been shortly after Ty’s move to D.C. that he came back on our family’s radar. I was in Deseret Book when, from across the room, a book caught my eye. On the cover was a headshot of a very attractive, clean-cut man in a shirt and tie. He had a bar across his eyes—the kind that ’80s journalists used in an effort to obscure a person’s identity. My curiosity got the best of me and I crossed the room, picked up the book, and read the cover: In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction. The authors were Fred and Marilyn Matis . . . and Ty Mansfield.

I was stunned. I knew there couldn’t be many Ty Mansfields and I felt sad thinking that all these years, Ty must have felt very alone as he dealt with this. I had never heard of anyone with same-sex attraction staying in the Church, so this was quite unusual. I bought the book and told my siblings about it. The general consensus was that our respect and appreciation for Ty had jumped exponentially. Naturally, there was a draw to know where he was and what he was up to, but you don’t exactly look someone up to say, “Hey, I never realized you experienced same-sex attraction. So what else is going on in your life?”

When we ran into each other at the store, he didn’t even remember who I was. At this point, almost 10 years had passed since my sister’s farewell. I knew Ty loved my family and that he would remember my siblings, so I reintroduced myself. When, again, a few years later, Ty asked if he could take me to dinner for my birthday over Christmas break, I was excited to catch up, but the possibility of his being interested in me never crossed my mind.

We went out several times, but I didn’t know we were going out on dates. I had recently gone out with a few other guys and I wasn’t looking for new dating options. I didn’t think Ty was either. I did enjoy spending time with him, and I missed him on the days we didn’t talk, so as he continued to ask me out, I continued to say yes. Four or five dates later, it suddenly hit me: “Is Ty Mansfield dating me . . . to date me?”

When I realized Ty was interested in me, it was kind of a shock. I didn’t know someone who experienced same-sex attraction could happily marry a member of the opposite sex. I had never heard of it happening. During Ty’s last week in Utah, I read everything I could on LDS mixed-orientation marriages and prayed a lot. I didn’t know what this would mean for the details of my life, but I felt peaceful and knew that I wanted to pursue it.

After I went to visit Ty in Texas, we decided to take a hiatus from talking and to focus for a week on fasting, praying, and pondering what we had experienced. On Saturday, we would each go to the temple where we were living, and then we would talk on Sunday. During the conversation on Sunday, we decided that I should move to Texas . . . in two weeks.

Because things progressed so quickly, I’m sure a lot of people thought we were crazy. Fortunately, my family already knew and loved Ty, so they were 100 percent supportive. My friends have been supportive too. Naturally, there were some who had questions about what it would mean for me to marry someone who experienced same-sex attraction, but once people knew I wasn’t worried, they didn’t worry either.

A few weeks before our wedding, people started blogging about Ty Mansfield marrying a woman. Someone created a website that was an open letter to me, telling me not to marry Ty and warning me that I would probably end up divorced and a single mom. It didn’t cause me to doubt or question, but I did feel saddened that one of the happiest events of my life was being sullied by other people’s issues. A lot of mean things were said about Ty. I had known early on that by marrying Ty, I was signing up for a life of some scrutiny, invasive questions, and less privacy than I would have preferred, and I agreed to the whole package . . . but no one likes to have unkind things said about them or the people they love.

Ty, on the other hand, was more worried about me. He had already been through similar experiences on his own, and he was hoping to shield me from that a little longer, but the only thing it served to do was dampen my spirits for a few hours. From the moment when I first read negative accounts of mixed-orientation marriages, I had a clear impression that these stories were not my own and that no one else’s story would impact mine; Ty and I would create our own story together.

I have no doubts or regrets about choosing to marry Ty. Early on, long before we were ever engaged, I felt a momentary flash of fear, but almost as quickly as it came, I felt a powerful, calm reassurance and the thought, “You can trust Ty. He is who he says he is. You know what you have felt.” The fear never returned.

People sometimes want to know what it’s like to be married to someone who experiences same-sex attraction. My answer is, I don’t know. What I do know is what it’s like to be married to Ty Mansfield, and I love it. I feel extremely blessed. Ty is a more loving and affectionate husband than I ever imagined I would find, and he is very patient with my weaknesses.

I have often said that same-sex attraction plays a big part in our lives because of the time Ty has invested in reaching out to others, but from my perspective, it isn’t noticeable in our marriage. I don’t ever think about my husband experiencing SSA unless something stereotypical comes up, like he is a much better decorator than I am and he is a better listener than any other man I’ve ever dated. I also feel like the difficulties associated with addressing SSA have made my husband who he is. They have refined him and drawn him closer to the Lord. His challenges also allowed us to start off our marriage with an ability to discuss things openly, which has been a great blessing.

People also occasionally ask how we’ll tell our children about our story. I don’t think we have a definitive answer yet, but I’m not concerned. We want our children to be emotionally healthy, for them to feel comfortable discussing anything in our home, and for sexuality to be a topic that is approached from a healthy place instead of from a place of taboo or embarrassment. We feel no shame about Ty’s experience with same-sex attraction. My only desire is that our children hear about this from us, rather than from a child of an acquaintance or friend. I’m giving myself at least a few more months to figure that one out since we have at least that long till our baby starts talking. When we do tell our children, they will have experienced already for themselves the stability of being in a family with parents who aren’t perfect, but who love each other and them very much. I imagine that the issue of same-sex attraction will be similar for our children as it is for us—it’s a piece of our story, but it is not the story. And so much of our story is still to be written.

For more information on this topic and resources on the web, visit some of the following links:

* Evergreen

* North Star

* God Loveth His Children (published by the Church in 2007)

* Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction (by Elder Holland)

* Interview with Elder Oaks on Same-Gender Attraction

For LDS parents of children who experience same-gender attraction, click here to read "Advice to Parents: Relating to Your Son or Daughter Experiencing Same-gender Attraction."

Ty Mansfield is a cofounder of the nonprofit organization North Star, a support organization for LDS individuals and families living with same-sex attraction. Visit northstarlds.org for more information.

Relating to Your Son or Daughter Experiencing Same-gender Attraction: Advice to Parents

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by M. Catherine Thomas
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In conjunction with today's featured article, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield (click here to read), we offer this excerpt specifically for LDS parents of children who experience homosexual feelings.

The following is an excerpt from Voices of Hope: Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction, taken from the chapter “Perspectives for Parents.” Click here to learn more.

Listening

As we look to our child, we may find it possible to identify some ways in which we have unwittingly made life more difficult for our child; and then we may consider offering a detailed apology. This is self-care as well as child care because our spirit knows when we have not measured up in a relationship; to heal ourselves, we have to come clean in the relationship. During this apology we will not mention the child’s failings, only our own. We will humbly ask forgiveness and ask how we can be more helpful. We will listen undefensively, as dispassionately as we can. Healing communication can then begin. Then, in addition to much listening, we may be able to share with our child, as time goes on, some points of view that can reassure both our child and us.

Shame and Guilt

Our child will likely be suffering from shame and feelings of unworthiness, even if he has not chosen to express his same-gender attraction sexually. He may have felt directly or indirectly the negativity, sometimes amounting to hatred and vitriol, being poured out, even by some members of the Church, on people dealing with same-gender attraction. His feelings of shame will interfere with his ability to draw close to the Lord for comfort.

Following are responses that two people have had as they have confronted both shame and guilt over their same-gender feelings and the issue of sex. A young LDS woman in her thirties who has just begun coming to terms, after a fifteen-year struggle, with her feelings of attraction for other women, and is wondering what this means for her, wrote me the following about her perception that, at their inception, same-gender feelings do not seem intrinsically sexual.

“It’s not about sex. Other people think that those who might be/are gay are struggling with immoral thoughts/feelings and behaviors. But what you will hear across the board is that the first feeling is that ‘I am different.’ As other teenagers or young adults start to explore with giddiness their crushes and dreamy thoughts of an ideal future, those with same-gender attraction start to try to figure out what is wrong with them. I think THIS is the battlefront.

“They begin to feel shame over their nonsexualized attraction to the same gender, where heterosexuals are encouraged in that attraction, understood, given boundaries to work within, etc. Ultimately, heterosexuals can find legitimate physical/sexual expression for that attraction, but many same-gender-attracted people freeze in that shame—never drifting to immoral thoughts/feelings/behavior, but having no route, or reroute, for that part of themselves—and begin to internalize this struggle.”

Another LDS young man who deals with this challenge wrote similarly:

“The shame is a huge problem. . . . I had similar feelings of being ‘different’ when I was younger, and while I occasionally fantasized about being physically close with other boys, I don’t recall it ever feeling sexual until well into high school—and even then I was so afraid of those feelings that I never allowed myself to acknowledge them. More often than not, I just wanted to feel close to other guys, or I would allow myself to overfocus on qualities in them I felt I lacked, and wanted, in myself.

“I remember once wanting to give my best friend a hug when I saw him, and he looked at me funny and asked if I was gay. That was in fourth grade, I think. All I knew about ‘gay’ was that it was bad, and the shame I felt in that moment led me to tenaciously avoid any behaviors that might be perceived that way. I disowned a lot of parts of my personality, and it’s only been in my adulthood that I’ve been learning to reclaim, reintegrate those parts, and learn to love men in the deep and intimate and healthy ways I only ever wanted anyway.”

Caring for your child would include helping him to let go of shame for the feelings themselves and reassuring him of the Lord’s love. Many people who experience same-gender attraction find that, despite the fact that they are dealing with a set of deeply disconcerting feelings, they can exist in a loving relationship with the Lord in the same system of faith, repentance, and having the Holy Ghost that anyone else can. In this way they are able to embrace a sense of worthiness that allows them to move forward spiritually as they manage these feelings within the bounds the Lord has set.

Elder Holland wrote on making the distinction between feelings and behavior: “While same-gender attraction is real, there must be no physical [sexual or romantic] expression of this attraction. The desire for physical gratification does not authorize immorality by anyone. Such feelings can be powerful, but they are never so strong as to deprive anyone of the freedom to choose worthy conduct. In saying this, let me make it clear that attractions alone, troublesome as they may be, do not make one unworthy.”

Labeling

People tend to behave according to the way they see themselves. Help him to take care with the labels he puts on himself. Lift your child’s sights to a vision of who he really is. Elder Dallin H. Oaks offers this counsel to a parent about what he might say to his child:

“You’re my son. You will always be my son, and I’ll always be there to help you. . . .

“Homosexuality . . . is not a noun that describes a condition. It’s an adjective that describes feelings or behavior. I encourage you, as you struggle with these challenges, not to think of yourself as a ‘something’ or ‘another,’ except that you’re a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and you’re my son, and that you’re struggling with challenges. . . .

“You’ve described a particular kind of challenge that is very vexing. It is common in our society and it has also become politicized. But it’s only one of a host of challenges men and women have to struggle with, and I just encourage you to seek the help of the Savior to resist temptation and to refrain from behavior that would cause you to have to repent or to have your Church membership called into question.”

Shaping a Life

As people dealing with same-gender attraction look at traditional lifestyles, they may not see where they fit in. One young man wrote me: “All of the talks at BYU on dating and marriage, including some in which we were told that if we weren’t dating ‘X’ number of times per week we weren’t magnifying our priesthood, left me feeling especially depressed, broken, and like I was failing God and everyone else around me. It wasn’t until I had a very powerful spiritual witness—in association with Isaiah 56:3–4, actually—that all I needed to do was my best to nurture my relationship with the Lord and to cultivate and follow the Spirit in my life (and whether I married in this life or the next, I was completely accepted of the Lord) that I felt so much of that burden of shame and guilt and depression and failure lift. The love I felt was overwhelming and taught me what my central focus should be. Prior to that, the cultural box I was being shoved into was spiritually and emotionally suffocating.”

Another young man, who chose to serve a mission even while dealing with the challenge of same-gender attraction, describes how he had been mentally and emotionally stuck in choosing the gospel way over the world’s way until he found that he didn’t have to live a traditional life and that, indeed, stereotypes can be ignored:

“I understood, finally, that I was an individual on my own path and that it was impossible to know where that would take me. I did have to make choices along the way, but I wasn’t limited by those stereotypes in my head. And the only thing I had to commit to was the gospel of Jesus Christ. The important distinction was between LDS culture, which isn’t necessarily true, and the fulness of the gospel, which is. When I realized that my path might not look like everyone else’s and that it was really just between the Lord and me, I felt a new confidence. I handed that map over to the Savior and let him navigate—I jumped into the driver’s seat. . . . If we truly trust the Lord, we don’t need to fear the unknown vistas that await us. We can listen to the Spirit and the compass of our hearts and look forward to that day . . . when we realize we have happened onto an answer and that it was the Lord who brought us there. But until then, there’s no reason we shouldn’t roll down the windows and breathe deeply, even if we’re not sure exactly where we are. It’s okay, the Lord does.”

Boundaries

At some point parents are faced with situations in which they wonder what boundary lines might be appropriate because their love for their child versus their sense of right and wrong can create conflict in their minds. Such situations might include whether to attend a marriage or commitment ceremony, or what role a potential partner might play within the family. Elder Oaks was asked: “At what point does showing that love cross the line into inadvertently endorsing behavior? If the son says, ‘Well, if you love me, can I bring my partner to our home to visit? Can we come for holidays?’ How do you balance that against, for example, concern for other children in the home?”

Can a parent’s love cross a line and inadvertently endorse homosexual practice? Elder Oaks responded: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration. I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. There would also be other factors that would make that the likely answer. . . . There are so many different circumstances, it’s impossible to give one answer that fits all.”

Elder Wickman emphasizes a parent’s need to avoid the pitfall of defending a child’s homosexual lifestyle: “I think it’s important as a parent to avoid a potential trap arising out of one’s anguish over this situation. I refer to a shift from defending the Lord’s way to defending the errant child’s lifestyle, both with him and with others. It really is true the Lord’s way is to love the sinner while condemning the sin. That is to say we continue to open our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children, but that need not be with approval of their lifestyle. Neither does it mean we need to be constantly telling them that their lifestyle is inappropriate. An even bigger error is now to become defensive of the child because that neither helps the child nor helps the parent. That course of action, which experience teaches, is almost certainly to lead both away from the Lord’s way.”

One mother remarks that she has said to her son: “‘I love you and respect your feelings, and I know you will respect mine. Because you were reared in the Church, you know what my standards are.’ He is fine with that because he prides himself on being an honest person.”

Elder Oaks mentioned that different circumstances may require different responses. After fasting and prayer, one set of parents in a home where there were no younger children chose to let the child and his long-term partner make the decision as to whether they would share a bedroom in the family home. The key seems to be Elder Oaks’s statement: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration.”

Click here to read the companion piece, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield.

LDS officials meet with gay-rights advocates

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:57:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

Representatives from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints met Monday morning with leaders of the Soulforce Equality Ride, a national bus tour aimed at "promoting acceptance of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) and allied people."

LDS Church spokesman Scott Trotter confirmed the meeting took place but didn't comment on the specifics.

Jason Conner, co-director of the Equality Ride and director of programs for Soulforce, said he is "cautiously optimistic" the morning session represents "a really good first step" in discussions between the Soulforce and the LDS Church. Soulforce is, according to its website, "committed to freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people from religious and political oppression through relentless nonviolent resistance."

BYU groups seek to understand students with same-sex attraction

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 13:12:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

A video released last week in which BYU students discuss dealing with same-gender attraction and their membership in the LDS Church gathered some momentum in the university community Friday as friends shared it and linked to it on Facebook and YouTube.

The video was made by an unofficial group of students and faculty called Understanding Same-Gender Attraction. Devoted to respectful dialogue, the group formed in 2010 to provide a forum for those who deal with same-sex attraction on the socially conservative campus.

On Wednesday night, the group held a BYU-approved panel discussion titled "Everything you wanted to know about being gay at BYU but were too afraid to ask."

Gay and Mormon: BYU students to speak on campus panel

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 13:55:00 -0600

source: sltrib.com

Bridey Jensen is a student at Brigham Young University. She’s also a lesbian. The 23-year-old knows some of her peers see these as mutually exclusive identities, but next week, she hopes to clear up any misunderstandings about what it means to be gay and a devout Latter-day Saint during a panel discussion on her Provo campus.

"Both of these things are just a fundamental part of me that I never chose," said Jensen, one of three students expected to be part of the panel. "Just because I accept [that I am gay] doesn’t mean I believe in the gospel any less."

Colliding Causes: Gay Rights and Religious Liberty

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:36:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Mormon Life says: It would seem non-discrimination is more important religious beliefs. Scrolling through her e-mail inbox on a fall day in 2006, photographer Elaine Huguenin opened a new message from a potential client expecting to rattle off prices, extra travel fees and proofing policies.

But this e-mail was different, and contained a question that would set in motion a series of events thrusting Huguenin and her photography business into court and the center of a new controversy.

Just a few years before, Huguenin had started a home-based photography business in Albuquerque with her husband Jonathan. After years of snapping pictures on summer vacations and taking pictures for family and friends, Huguenin realized it was more than a hobby — it was her calling, her way to visually explain and explore the world.

Mormons Will Continue to Stand for Traditional Marriage

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:53:00 -0700

source: wellbehavedmormonwoman.blogspot.com

On occasion I've heard active members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, (Mormons) when discussing the issue of same-sex marriage, share the opinion that they believe the church will eventually accept it and, like other periods of LDS Church history, will be found to have been on the wrong side of the debate. In fact some believe that this is inevitable. End of story.

LDS Church responds to Prop 8 ruling

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:43:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Mormon Life says: What a sad day for both the sanctity of marriage and our country's judicial system. Shortly after the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals issued its ruling that California's Proposition 8 banning same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a response.

"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regrets today's decision," said LDS Church spokesman Michael Purdy. "California voters have twice determined in a general election that marriage should be recognized as only between a man and a woman. We have always had that view. Courts should not alter that definition, especially when the people of California have spoken so clearly on the subject. ...

BYU fires openly gay film producer

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:16:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Mormon Life says: He wasn't fired for being openly gay, but for not reporting to work. However, I can see this whole situation getting taken out of context and blown out of proportion. Brigham Young University has fired Kendall Wilcox, a BYU-TV employee who was widely known outside the BYU community for the work he was doing on an independent documentary about being gay and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The decision to terminate Wilcox "had absolutely nothing to do with the documentary, or with his sexual preference," said BYU spokeswoman Carrie Jenkins late Friday. "He hasn't reported for work in two months, and he hasn't communicated with his supervisors. Those were the reasons for the termination."

Conference explores unique challenges of gay Mormons

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:52:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Mormon Life says: Note: the conference was held by an organization not affiliated with the Church. The unique challenges encountered by those who identify themselves as both Mormons and gay were explored Saturday morning during the first general session of "Circling the Wagons," a three-day conference dedicated to the issues of homosexuality within LDS faith and culture.

The conference, which drew 300 people to the First Baptist Church on Saturday, is sponsored by Mormon Stories, an organization with no affiliation to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Mormon Stories claims to "build bridges between all who identify as Mormon."

How Many Ways to be Mormon and Gay?

Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:05:00 -0600

source: religiondispatches.org

Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Transgender. Queer. Same-sex attracted. Same-gender attracted. LDS. Mormon. Active. Less active. Unorthodox. Open. Ex. Mixed-orientation married. Same-sex married. Partnered. Single. Divorced.

Pick any two or three of these adjectives. Link them with a conjunction like “but” or “and.” As many combinations as you can imagine: that’s how many ways there are to negotiate being gay in the Mormon tradition.

And this weekend in Salt Lake City, Mormons from across the sexuality and orthodoxy spectrums will gather for what organizers are describing as a potentially historic gathering: the Circling the Wagons conference.

Conference to discuss issues for gay Mormons

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 09:33:00 -0600

source: sltrib.com

Hundreds of gay Mormons, their families and friends will meet in Salt Lake City this weekend to explore issues of homosexuality and same-sex attraction at a conference titled “Circling the Wagons.”

The purpose of the conference, sponsored by researcher John Dehlin, along with Mormon Stories and Open Stories Foundation, is “to create a space where LGBTQ or SSA individuals and their families and allies can gather to acknowledge, explore and honor shared experiences.”

Scottish MPs Complain about BYU President’s “Homophobic” Institution After Speech to Parliament

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 11:42:00 -0600

source: millennialstar.org

Mormon Life says: As the author of this article says, it's unfortunate that a good man can't share a positive message without backlash because of perceptions about his religion. BYU President Elder Cecil O. Samuelson has managed to create quite a stir here in bonnie Scotland after giving a speech before the Scottish Parliament last month. Samuelson was invited to speak at the assembly for their regular Time for Reflection address, which has previously hosted such illustrious speakers as the Dalai Lama. However, Elder Samuelson’s presence was rejected by a number of MPs (Members of Parliament) due to his leadership over a university that labels homosexual behavior as “innapropriate.”

The headlines and commentaries that have been erupting around the UK express outrage at the Samuelson invitation, calling him “homophobe” and “anti-gay.” They refer to Brigham Young University as a “homophobic” institution.

Elder Samuelson, in his very brief remarks, said nothing about the university’s (or the Church’s) stance on homosexuality or homosexual behavior, but presented a very harmless (in my view) introduction to the university/Church’s view on seeing all mankind as brothers and sisters and loving and serving others (citing Mosiah 2:17).