Mormon Life - Relationships tag

{Poll} Public Displays of Affection at Church

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Kate Ensign-Lewis
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Some of my friends' religion professors have said church is absolutely not the place for PDA, but I've also seen plenty of leaders show affection for their wives in public settings. Where is the line?

I like to show affection for my husband. Whenever I can, I try to hold his hand. When we say goodbye, we give a quick kiss to let the other person know he/she is in our thoughts while we're apart. Sometimes, I'll rest my head on his shoulder and move in close next to him for some mild cuddling. We even do these things at church.

Now, I really don't think any of these are inappropriate. But some might. And I know some people definitely think back rubs or scratches are completely inappropriate in a church setting.

While I think it's pretty safe to say that making out is not acceptable at church (or in any public setting, really), what about more innocent forms of affection? We'd like to get a general survey of church membership, so let us know what you think . . .

Dave Says: Unity Is the Key in Money and Marriage

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:03:00 -0600

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Do you think it matters if it's the husband or the wife who handles the money?

Dear Dave,

Does it matter whether it’s the husband or the wife who keeps the checkbook and pays the bills? Lots of people say that kind of thing is the man’s job, but I was curious about what you think.

Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I don’t think it matters one bit, and here’s why.

In each family there’s a nerd and a free spirit. The nerd is good at keeping track of things and putting everything in its place. The free spirit is just the opposite. They are not detail-oriented. Now, this doesn’t make them irresponsible or mean that they don’t care. It’s just that they aren’t blessed with a gift for administration. They want things to be good and right just as much as the nerd, but they don’t necessarily get a rush when the checkbook balances out.

Just because the nerd keeps the checkbook doesn’t mean he or she gets to make all the financial decisions, either. In a marriage, those decisions should be made together with input from both the husband and wife. Remember, God didn’t unite some kind of joint business venture. He made you as one – together. When you do a budget each month, you should both sit down and come to a mature, reasonable and respectful agreement on where the money’s going.

So, when it comes down to the act of keeping the checkbook, I think whoever is the more organized of the two should handle this duty. But if you include these other principles, you’ll experience more unity in your daily lives together and have better communication in your marriage!

—Dave

For more financial advice, please visit daveramsey.com.

Dave Says: Mixing Friends and Business

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:03:00 -0600

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I started a partnership with my friend. What can I do to make sure our friendship is saved even if our business doesn't end up working out?

Dear Dave,

I just began a business with a friend as an LLC partnership. I know he’s honest and a hard worker, but I’m still a little scared that everything will fall apart and we’ll walk away mad at each other. We used a CPA to get a tax ID number and help us set up the company. Do you think we should pay a lawyer to help us map out the partnership agreement in writing?

Mike

Dear Mike,

Drawing up a written partnership agreement may be the only shot you’d have at walking away from this venture with your friendship still intact. But I don’t think you need to hand some lawyer a bunch of money to make it happen.

Chances are, your new business doesn’t need that level of detail. All you need is someone to help you draw up a template that answers all the “what if” questions. This template can be as simple as a list of all the things that could go wrong and the answers to those scenarios. These would be things like death, disability, moral failure, bankruptcy, etc., and what happens if any of these occur.

You know, there are hardly ever problems in a business venture when everyone’s happy and making piles of money. But it can get rough if you begin to disagree over the direction the company is taking. Or, what if personal issues make you decide you don’t want to be in business with the other person anymore?

It’s easy to go all pie-in-the-sky over these things, but you have to make plans for any and all of the worst outcomes, too.

—Dave

For more financial advice please visit daveramsey.com.

{Single Saints} Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Alexa Justesen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Breakups. We’ve all been there, whether you’re the breaker-upper or the break-up-ee. While I'm no dating expert, I've found through my own trial and error that these eight steps help to heal the heart.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of breakups in the past. Some ended well, some ended badly, but all were hard to deal with at the time. Knowing that something you put hard work, effort, and time into has suddenly ended is tough to accept and let go. However, as much as we may believe life is over, it’s important to know that it is possible to move on, get better, and see the silver lining in the end. The phrase “hindsight is 20/20” can be hard to believe in the moment, but I promise it’s true.

Been on the receiving end of a break-up recently? While I am by no means a relationship expert, these are some tricks that I’ve found to be effective in getting over a breakup and moving on. (Guys: while my tips come from a female perspective, they'll work for you, too.)

1. Take time to grieve. It’s okay to take a few days, buy a box of chocolates, and watch some movies. No one expects you to jump back on the dating bandwagon immediately, and it’s even best if you don’t. However, make sure to emerge from the depths of your living room couch after a little while. Find a hobby, go to the gym, and start to slowly find activities to take your mind off of the breakup. And most importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you have a break down every once in a while. That’s natural, and it happens.

2. Eliminate the “maybe.” “Maybe” is a tough little word. Sometimes after someone breaks up with us, we want to believe that “maybe” he’ll see he was wrong and come back, or “maybe” this breakup isn’t a permanent thing. And maybe those things will happen, but it’s important not to dwell on them. By dwelling on the “maybe,” your heart will get broken even more if nothing ends up happening. By moving on, you can put the pieces back together, and if things do end up working out again, you’ll be in an even better place. Who knows; by moving on, you might even realize your life has gone forward and you don’t want to get back together!

3. Cut the person off. This is a tough one. His Facebook page is right there, ready for you to look at. His text messages are still on your phone. My advice? Get rid of them. Delete the texts. Try to avoid looking through photos, e-mails, etc. for a period of time. While it can be hard, a clean break is the best way to start fresh. Sometimes by trying to stay friends immediately after the relationship ends, the “maybe” creeps back in and it becomes impossible to move on. If you do want an eventual friendship, it can come with time. Don’t jump into it before you are ready. You need time for those romantic feelings to disappear, and when you are surrounded by constant reminders of the relationship, they won’t.

4. Surround yourself with friends and family. Friends want to be there to help you, so let them. It has always surprised and touched me at how willing my friends have been to help me with whatever I’ve needed. Let visiting and home teachers know what’s going on. They want to help you, too, and they will. Talking it out can help, and often hearing the viewpoints of others lets us see things that we couldn’t or didn’t want to see while in the relationship.

5. Make yourself over. A breakup can be the perfect time to evaluate how you’ve been doing. Want to change up your hair? Do it. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Join a gym, take cooking classes, clean out your closet. Life is on your terms now. The best way to feel better is to make yourself better.

6. Make a playlist. I identify with music, and good song lyrics seem to recognize better how I feel than I do. There are great songs that will help you get through the sadness or anger. Then, make sure to move on and listen to happy, uplifting music when you are ready to be in a good mood!

7. Have faith that everything will work out. I'll say it again: hindsight really is 20/20. With most of my breakups, I am at the point where I can look back now and say, “Now I know why it wasn’t supposed to work.” Getting that answer takes time, so let yourself have it. And it will come.

8. Fake it til you make it. This is my dad’s favorite phrase, and I never believed it until I realized it’s true. Sometimes, by putting on a brave face and pretending you’re fine and happy, you realize that you really are, or are very close to it. So if you're finding it hard to find the faith that everything will work out, fake it. Faking a smile when you feel like diving into a box of tissues is tough, but it really will lift your mood. I promise.

While no breakup is fun to go through, the hurt will go away with time. The most important thing to do is to stay positive that wounds will heal, life will go on, and each day will get even better than the last. Because they will!

{Single Saints} Making Long Distance Work

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Some might say long distance is the wrong distance when it comes to relationships, and long run, they're right. But plenty have had success. The key is communication.

One of my favorite treats is the French bread pizza. It’s an ingenious upgrade on the standard pizza design, can be ready to eat in five minutes, and comes with a handy tray for catching crumbs while you’re eating on the living room couch. However, though it comes in a package of two, even a pair of them is not quite enough to satisfy my hunger, and the price tag is a little more than I’m willing to spend on anything less than the kind of meal that results in my collapsing on the couch afterward in stuffed satisfaction. In other words, I love it, but I have to enjoy what I can get because it’s never quite enough.

I think a long-distance relationship is a little like that French bread pizza. When you’ve got someone you care about but that person is too far away for you to see with any frequency, you’re often forced to make do without certain relationship luxuries, like physical contact or traditional quality time.

I’m still trying to figure this out, but I do have a few ideas.

Have a goal in mind. It doesn’t have to be marriage or anything dramatic, but I do feel it’s crucial to your relationship to set a timeframe and something you’d like to accomplish during that time. You might even suggest that you go for three months or so and then stop to evaluate where things are going. On the other hand, some might stress that it’s important to just let the right thing happen. Either way, you should makes steps to assure you are both on the same page.

Frequent communication. We live in an age blessed with myriad means which with to communicate. Some couples might feel comfortable with daily texting conversations; others might prefer calling or video chat. I suggest mixing it up a little; perhaps you can have a regular Skype day every week, but communicate however you want in between sessions.

Trust. You’re hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles apart. You’re both going to have exciting lives, regardless of one another’s absence. It’s too much to ask to stay inside and refrain from human contact. Trust each other to stay true; maintain honest communication.

There’s no sure formula for making relationships work, especially long-distance ones. However, There’s a common theme throughout all of these suggestions: communication. When you’re separated, communication is all you have left — so you’d best utilize it.

Your turn: What worked (or didn't work) in any of your long-distance relationships?

Dave Says: Get Moving!

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:03:00 -0600

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Should we live with my parents so we're closer to my husband's job?

Dear Dave,

My husband works two hours away from home. He gets up at 3 a.m. and doesn’t get home until 7 p.m. We have a fully funded emergency fund, and he makes $95,000 a year. My parents’ place is an hour from his job, and they’ve offered to let us live with them. What do you think of this idea?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Why don’t you just sell the house and move closer to where he works? If he makes that kind of money and you’ve got your emergency fund in place, you should be able to handle moving costs. I’ve got to be honest, I’d do the two hours to work and two hours home drive maybe once before I’d begin seriously looking for a place much closer.

Right now, you guys don’t have a life. And moving in with your parents wouldn’t be much better. That poor guy practically lives on the road, and I’m sure you both want more quality time together. He sounds like a great guy, though, to be willing to go through all that. He’s busting his tail and doing what it takes to provide for his family, but there’s just no reason for either of you to go through this kind of pain and inconvenience.

Get your house on the market, and find a little rental near his job for now. You can rebuild part of your emergency fund if necessary, but if I’m in your shoes, I’m going to fix this logistical nightmare as fast as humanly possible!

—Dave

For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.

{Single Saints} Dating Mythbusters, Part 2

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by Emily McClure
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Part 2 of my experiment with common date-getting techniques. See how Facebook stalking, eye games, compliments, and repetition measured up.

Last week we started exploring the wiles girls use to get guys to like them in Dating Mythbusters, Part 1.

1. Be straightforward; guys like girls who ask them out.

 2. Accidentally bump into a guy and then play the “shy” act.

 3. Tell someone to tell a guy you’re interested in him. Wait for the guy to make the next move.

 4. Touch the guy’s elbow.

Here’s part two, with four more experiments in the dating world by some of our LDS Living staff.

 5. Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met.

 6. The glance: make eye contact with a guy until the peak moment, then smile and look away. 

7. Compliment the guy and then keep asking questions about him. 

8. Make sure you interact with the guy a lot. Repetition is the key to getting him to remember to fall in love with you!

(Note: names have been changed to protect the privacy of the poor subjects.)

5. Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met

Alexa, Intern

What do you do when you meet a cute guy at a party, feel that “spark,” but then get separated when your roommate wants to leave because her ex shows up? Simple. You Facebook stalk him and send him a message. But does this work? I tried it out—twice—to find out.

Depending on your previous in-person meeting and how you write your message, you can either come across as total creeper or as cute girl who might have some interest.

Rule number one: Once you find him on Facebook, DON’T friend request him just yet. Sometimes I feel a little weird when people I hardly know add me as a friend, and this might look just a bit desperate. Send the message, wait for a response, and if you get the green light, hit that little “request” button.

Rule number two: Craft the body of the message carefully, making sure to pay attention to good grammar and spelling. It will help you come across as more mature and intelligent. Also, ask a question. In the example below, I asked a question about him. He had a reason to write back. Third, no desperation, just a simple statement letting him know you enjoyed talking and would love to again. In my message, I put myself out there just enough that if he decided he doesn’t want to write back, there is no broken heart. Nice, simple, and confident. Here’s a "cute girl" message:

Hey Fred,

It was great to meet you the other night. I’m sad we didn’t get to finish our conversation about the evolution of butterflies, but my roommate needed to leave and I was her ride. But hey I never got to hear your thoughts about when the butterfly finally escapes from the cocoon, and I’d be really interested to know what you think. I’ll hopefully talk to you later, and good luck with that test you have this week!

-Alexa

I also wrote a creeper message to "George" that had awful spelling ("2's" instead of "to's") and too much information (drama with my roommate over her ex-boyfriend), and was too long and too pushy. Lastly, I did the creepiest thing I can imagine: I let him know I had to drudge through Facebook to find him. Just don’t do that.

So now that we have established how to write a subtly-hinting Facebook message, it’s time to hear the verdict:

Message back from Fred a few days later, with friendly banter an request for a phone number (for more talk of butterflies). Perfect! There’s one date in the bag.

As for George . . . I’m still waiting to hear back.

6. Smile and peek a glance at a guy

Ruthann, Circulation Manager

The results of this suggestion were . . . okay. I saw a new person at an event and thought he looked interesting. I was standing pretty close to him while talking to some friends. One of my friends knew this guy and turned to start talking to him about some business ideas. I glanced up and smiled. Eventually they ended up joining our conversation, and I chatted with this guy for about 3 minutes before we both had to leave. And that was it. So did I get to meet this guy? Yes. Did it result in talking to him in the future? As of now, no.

7. Compliment a guy and ask questions

Mandy, Intern

I believe that most people just want to be validated—they want to be heard and they want to feel important. So I figured that asking a guy lots of questions and complimenting him would be a surefire way to get a date.

I chose to practice this tip on Jason, whom I had met a couple months before and, as Taylor Swift puts it, was enchanted by. I had never made a concerted effort to get him to ask me out, so once I decided to try, I went all for it. In fact, I may not be qualified to write about this tip because I tried a lethal combination on Jason: I let one of his friends know I was interested, I tried the elbow touch (okay, to be honest, I practically massaged his arm), and I asked lots of questions and complimented him. My roommate also made fun of me for bee lining it to talk to him after a church meeting. Mind you, all of this happened within a day, so when he didn’t ask me out right away, I thought maybe my attempts had been overkill.

I spent about a week thinking that the tips just didn’t work—or, heaven forbid, I was a creep—before I decided to move on. If Jason wouldn’t fall in love with me after all that, nothing would work. But then one night, nearly a month after the possibly overwhelming occasion, Jason called and asked me out. Needless to say, it’s good to know I’m probably not too creepy . . .

8. Repetition (lots of interaction)

Mandy, Intern

Matt started out as a friend, but after getting to know him a little better, I decided I needed to make him fall in love with me. This is a big feat, I know, but I think it’s better to shoot for the stars than the clouds, right? So I did what everybody would do with such a daunting task at hand: I became a bit of a stalker.

Okay, before you cast judgment and picture me standing outside his window with a dozen long stemmed roses, I swear it was simple. I just figured out where he studied in the library and started studying there too—I didn’t even learn where his classes were, so, in my opinion, my stalking was pretty innocent. He didn’t seem to notice that I just so happened to start studying in the same place, or else he didn’t let on that he did. But because of this, I started seeing him a lot.

I didn’t go every day (I did have other things to do), but I went enough that he wasn’t surprised to see me anymore. We had great conversations in the library and our friendship grew stronger. I totally wasn’t his type—he normally would have dated the tiny blonde cheerleader type, while I am a completely un-athletic brunette, and maybe a little too opinionated. But I think the repetition may have convinced him to give it a shot with me. It took a while for us to finally go out, but when we did, it was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.

Now I am a huge advocate of repetition—if you let someone go too long without seeing you, that awesome feeling that comes when he or she is with you could die. Don’t risk it. Don’t be a creepy stalker (play it safe!), but just . . . be around.

Emily's Ultimate Verdict:

In the four weeks of trying out these tips (and I tried them out on a lot of guys, as did my friends), I had guys I wasn’t even trying to attract ask me out, and I had guys I wanted to attract not ask me out. Some tips worked better with boys I’d known for a while, some tips just worked in general (complimenting anyone is always in fashion)—and some tips didn’t work for me at all. (I may have accidentally gained a reputation as a creeper.)

Here’s the thing: there really isn’t a magic formula to get a guy to ask you out. When it comes down to it, no amount of elbow-touching or peak-glancing is going to magically make a guy want to suddenly ask you out. All you can really do to make your dating life worthwhile is put yourself out there, have fun, be yourself, and any other clichés you’ve heard all your life. Eventually, everything falls into place. And, by the way, don’t elbow-touch a lot; just . . . don’t.

He's Amazing and Still Single . . . and What She Can Do about It

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Almost everyone knows an amazing woman who has so much to offer, yet the good man she is dating can’t seem to commit. Despite all the right signs, they not only don't get married, they break up. But a woman can do many things to help avoid this.

Last month’s article, "He’s Amazing and Still Single! Why?", described a group of highly eligible, attractive, and socially skilled men who, in spite of the fact that they date great women, remain single year after year.

The women who date these men also have common traits. They are often educated, attractive, confident, and socially skilled women. They are patient, kind, good listeners, and willing to do their part in relationships. They don’t react dramatically or inappropriately. They’re not excessively nagging. They are quick to read books on relationships and apply what they learn. And they don’t have many undesirable issues in their past.

Thus, these men often describe the woman they’re dating as “perfect.” Unfortunately, they often follow this up with, “But I just don’t feel an emotional connection."

What is going wrong? Is it her, him, or both of them together? How do these amazing women help these men to feel an emotional connection? If these men can’t commit to such wonderful women, then what hope is there that these men will ever marry, and what will become of these great women who, despite their best efforts, remain single year after year, too?

He needs to be the hunter, not the hunted.

One of the first things I teach women in this situation is that it works best for both of them if he is the pursuer of the relationship. This means he needs to initiate phone calls (and texts) three to four times more often than she does. He needs to ask to see her (which allows him to miss her and seek her out) rather than her dropping by his work, popping in to see him, or asking when they’re getting together. He needs to ask her to be exclusive rather than her immediately seeing only him and assuming that he feels the same.

To encourage and keep him in the pursuit role, I recommend that women use their warmth, femininity, appreciation, kinds words, and touch as positive reinforcements of the things he does, rather than giving gifts, making meals, or offering to pay for dates. Once she has done her part, she needs to sit back, relax, and trust that he sees what she has to offer and that he will pursue her and invest in the relationship.

He needs to sacrifice to feel love and have fun to feel connected.

The more deeply he sacrifices the more deeply he loves and making physical sacrifices (like phone calls, picking her up for and paying for dates, doing things for her, and meeting her needs) are things these men are willing to do. All he wants in return is to enjoy her company and have fun. As a matter of fact, he needs to just relax and have fun for at least the first two to four months if he is to develop a strong emotional attachment.

Once he begins to worry about: 1) what she is feeling or thinking, 2) if she is too into him or too anxious for commitment, or 3) if she is hurt and disappointed by his slow (but consistent and persistent) efforts to pursue her, then he will feel anxious and even trapped.

It’s not that he wants out of the relationship. It’s that pressure for commitment causes him to analyze very closely what he’s feeling (or not feeling) and anxiety impedes his ability to have spontaneous positive emotions. When he is having fun these complicating emotions are kept to a minimum.

They need to fight the pressure together.

Pressure and anxiety are inevitable in all relationships, but a woman can talk with him about the situations that cause him to feel pressure (i.e., meeting the family, going to work parties, holding hands at church) and express a willingness to come up with solutions together to fight the pressure—because she isn’t the problem and he isn't the problem—the pressure is the problem.

She doesn’t need to take the pressure away. She just needs to show him that together they can reduce the pressure, which will also deepen their emotional attachment to each other, versus him trying to reduce the pressure on his own by withdrawing from her and the relationship.

They need to resolve her feelings and needs together, too.

If a woman does not express her feelings and needs to him with positive solutions that will resolve the situation, she will begin to feel stressed, alone, and impatient with the slow-moving reality of their relationship. (Consequently, she will be more likely to push for commitment or break up.)

All men are repelled by criticism and nagging, but a man does value and appreciate when a women expresses her feelings and needs while also communicating her faith in his goodness. He wants to help, he just doesn’t know what to do unless she tells him and explains how much it means to her. To do this, she can simply state that just as they’re fighting the pressure together, she needs the two of them to work together to make her feel more secure in the relationship. She can then give examples of what he could do that would help resolve her fears.

The more the two of them work on these combined issues, the more deeply they will feel bonded. This is a more useful conversation and goal for them to work on together than her talking about when they are going to get married and what’s wrong with him or her that he feels like withdrawing every time the conversation comes up.

With a secure attachment in place and a pattern of resolving problems together, it will be easier for both of them to feel more secure and connected, and as such more inclined to more forward with marriage.

To learn about the additional complicating factors that contribute to this pattern, and to listen to a one-hour audio in which I discuss this pattern (and what singles can do to break it) with three men and four women who struggle with it, visit itsyourtechnique.com. There you can also get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

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Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the “It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique” dating system.

How to Avoid Criticism in Relationships

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 00:05:00 -0700

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: What better way to say "Happy Valentine's Day" than by taking steps to improve your relationship? Criticism is a damaging communication pattern, and every relationship can benefit from removing it.

We live in a society where criticism has become the norm and respect a thing of the past. This is, in my professional opinion, one of the primary reasons families across the United States are deteriorating.

What does criticism look like? We are critical when we communicate our concerns in a way that can be interpreted as personally attacking or blaming. For example: “Why didn’t you call me when you were coming home late? Didn’t you realize that I was waiting for you? You always put work ahead of me and the kids. You never think about how your actions impact other people.” Clearly, there is a valid concern that may need to be expressed, but the way in which the concern was presented was very personally attacking and blaming.

Criticism is detrimental to relationships for several reasons. First, if you are critical with family members, they may feel belittled. No one likes to feel attacked, and as a result they will become defensive. It doesn’t motivate them to want to change; it only motivates them to defend themselves and save face.

Feeling belittled is especially difficult for children to deal with. When they are criticized, their character is threatened. They may begin to feel poorly about themselves. For example, many self-esteem struggles experienced by children are rooted in critical remarks directed toward them. The sting of criticism can be felt much longer than you may think.

Second, you may regret what you say later. At the time you make critical comments, you likely feel justified in saying the remark. However, it is your emotions that are talking when you are in the heat of the moment. If you are frustrated, irritated, or in some other emotionally charged state, you lose your ability to be rational and objective. Emotions can calm with time. As they do, your ability to be rational will return and you will see how the emotions got the better of you. I love the line in the popular film You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks’s character remarks: “When you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.” Even if you may think the other person deserves the zinger you give them, later on you will likely regret what was said.

Third, criticism leads to contempt and resentment. If you are critical with a loved one, they may be patient and forgiving initially. However, research has shown that feeling repeatedly criticized fuels resentment and contempt. Research also highlights that resentment and contempt are extremely toxic to any relationship. Hence, criticism is a catalyst to poisoning relationships.

If you are too critical of loved ones or if they are too critical with you, it is time for a change. Seeking the assistance of a professional may be necessary if the criticism is deeply rooted and habitual. However, you can move past it if you are willing to put forth the effort. So make that effort—the well-being of your family may depend on it.

Ways to Avoid Criticism

Complain without blame. Blaming is at the core of every criticism. If you express frustrations without pointing a finger at another, criticism can be avoided.

Express your frustrations about situations, actions, or behaviors. Human tendency is to focus on how people are bothering us or causing problems rather than the behavioral manifestations that frustrate us. For example, someone may make a critical remark such as “Why can’t you clean up after yourself?” A better way to say it would be, “I feel frustrated about how messy the house is.” The latter example focuses on the situation, rather than the person.

State positive needs. People tend to focus on what they don’t want others to do anymore. For example, a person may say to his or her spouse, “You need to stop playing on the computer all day.” The positive need is likely a desire to have more time and attention from the spouse. A positive need request would be, “I would appreciate more one-on-one time in our relationship.”

Jonathan Swinton is an LDS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He accepts self and Bishop referrals, and is available to provide marriage and family therapy services and weekend couple retreats to anyone interested. He is also available to speak on marriage issues at Relief Society and Ward events. Contact him at Swinton Counseling: 801-647-9951, swintoncounseling.com.

The One Thing Men Wish Wives Knew but Can't Tell

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:07:00 -0700

by Connie Sokol
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In time for Valentine's Day, find out the thing men most wish their wives knew - and find ways to show him a little bit more of the same Christian heart.

In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, the author asked 400 Christian men, ages 21 to 75, in a national survey what they wished their wives knew, but couldn't tell them. They could have said anything, and did—more understanding, respect, sex, and taking care of herself. But even when a man could have finally had the ultimate say, the number one thing he wished his wife knew was this: how much he loved her.

Coming in double the percentage over any other response, I was amazed. Though men had real concerns, this was their biggest. In a similar survey to women, I’m guessing it could have been a laundry list of “You shoulds” fighting for the number one spot. So what can we do this month to show our husbands a little bit of the same Christian heart? Maybe taking a look at the lower items on the survey might help.

Make an effort to look your best. Keeping up with the schedules of many children, never mind with the effects of having borne them, sometimes we women are guilty of saying, “Well, we’re married for eternity, so he’ll just have to deal with it.” Yes, our husbands love us, but they’re men, and what says love to them is trying to look our best. No need to be a Victoria Secret model. One man said, “We need to see that you care about keeping our attention on you—and off other women. It helps if I see my wife purposefully working toward staying in shape.” Note: working toward. None of the men felt a woman had to be a skinny-minny. If a woman did her hair and makeup and she looked confident and comfortable in her own skin, they felt proud to be with her.

Understand his major conflict: provide for the family--and spend more time with them. As women, it can be difficult to appreciate the daily struggle this is for a man. As one surveyor said, “I feel confused. You want me home more, yet you want a new house, nice things, income, etc. I feel like I am pushing two big rocks uphill.” It’s similar to women wanting to look good but also bear and raise children—it’s a give and take. So the more we can comfort, appreciate, and specifically thank him, the more he can spend energy on being efficient and creative in how to approach the problem, rather than feel guilty and resentful. A few times I wrote cards to my husband thanking him for all he did to balance the “rocks.” One day I noticed he had kept those cards in his office, and he keeps nothing! This said volumes to me about how much he needed that validation.

Make yourself available for intimacy. For women, this is likely the most difficult. One Christian author said: “I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs . . . by the end of the day I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met? If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word . . . I soon realized I regularly said ‘no’ to the one thing he asked of me. I’d been so focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my hubby out of the picture” (Today’s Christian Woman, March/April 2002). Physical intimacy is love to men, not abstract need-filling as women sometimes think. To put it in simple terms, imagine being told to go without chocolate—for days, even weeks—when you really, really need it. So this week, perhaps make yourself more available and let him know you love him in the way he needs to feel it.

Consider what you would have put in that survey—the one thing you wish your husband knew—I know I have. Reflect on the goodness of good men, and what you can do to show love to your good man this coming month.

Connie Sokol is a mother of six—expecting her seventh—and a presenter, former TV and radio host, and author of several books, including Faithful, Fit & Fabulous. For tips, columns, and books, visit www.8basics.com.

{Single Saints} Dating Resolutions for the New Year

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:04:00 -0700

by Kaela Worthen
source: MormonLife.com

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married, there are always ways you can improve your love life to increase the happiness of yourself and your (current or potential) significant other.

Single

1. Try something new. Take a yoga class, join a local hiking group, learn a new language at your community college. All of these places will help you to expand and improve yourself, keeping you from moping about being single, improving your self-confidence and happiness (thus making you more likely to attract someone of the opposite sex), and, best of all, giving you plenty of opportunities to meet new people. (Try this really cool idea to get you started.)

2. Try online dating. Seriously. I’m not saying it’s because you’re weird/boring/less than the rest of society. Forget any of the stereotypes you’ve heard. It works. You know how I know? My boyfriend of 4 months and I met there. My goal was to try online dating if I graduated college single (see this article); yours can be if you’re starting 2012 single. I met lots of great guys (and, yes, a few odd ones), had a ton of fun on dates, and then found one guy I wanted to pursue things even further with. Want more proof it works? One in eight couples who married in 2009 met through social media (read this article for more info).

3. Don’t be so picky. The idea that you have to wait for THE one in order to start a relationship? False. Even the general authorities say so, in this article. If you think there’s potential, even though fireworks aren’t going off announcing your handsome prince charming, give it a chance. If things don’t work out, you’ll both come away better people, having learned better what you are looking for, who you want to be, and how a relationship works.

4. But don’t be too unpicky. At the same time, if there’s a girl you’re really just not interested in, don’t force things just because you want or feel like you should be in a relationship. You’ll cause both of you more heartache in the future. Ladies, if there’s a guy you like but you know he’s not good enough for you, don’t settle just because you want to be in a relationship.

In a Relationship

1. Have story time. When you’ve been dating for a while, you get to know each other well, but considering the years you’ve been alive and the months you’ve been dating, the amount you know versus what there is to be known is still miniscule. Try this: “I want to hear a story about [when you were a kid and one of your siblings was mean to you/something about you and sports/something you’ve always wanted and never gotten/anything else in the world].” The requests, and the stories related, can range from humorous anecdotes, stories with no point at all, or deep discussions about who you are and how you view the world.

2. Have regular DTRs. For those of you who haven’t been introduced to this quintessential Mormon colloquialism, a DTR is a conversation about the state of your relationship—a “Define the Relationship.” Most commonly it is used in the context of that all-important conversation that also makes usage of the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” acceptable. But even after you’ve passed that hurdle, checking in to see how things are going and that you’re still on the same page is wise—just like a companionship inventory for missionaries. You can discuss anything that the other person needs to be aware of and any concerns before they are allowed to fester into full-blown arguments.

3. Make a to-do list. It's easy for a relationship to stagnate when you fall into a rhythm of doing the same things and eating at the same places all the time. Together or separately, come up with a list of things you want to do—whether it's eat at a certain restaurant, go on a hike to a special place, learn how to make sushi, or anything else. Make it your go-to list whenever you don't have a plan, and pick something that sounds interesting to do. That way you can both grow and progress as individuals and in your relationship as you try new things and explore each other's interests.

4. Go on more double dates. Another way to make sure your relationship doesn't stagnate is to involve other people into your activities. Having more people to interact with will give you more opportunities to get to know each other in a different viewpoint and make sure things stay interesting.

Married

1. Go on a date at least once a month with your spouse. We've all heard the wonderful stories of married couples who go out on a date every single week. But those can often seem more like fantasy than reality as you deal with busy work schedules, needy children with homework and illnesses, callings, and more. Start simple and you won't set yourself up for failure—try one date per month together.

2. Take more opportunities to show you're thinking about your spouse. Call, stop by the office, FaceTime, surprise him or her for lunch—these little things more frequently can mean much more than occasional grandiose gestures.

3. Go to the temple at least once a month together. If you go to the temple regularly with your spouse, you and your spouse will be able to draw closer to God and to each other, making more a more celestial and successful marriage.

4. Escape on quarterly getaways. Four times a year, take the chance to plan a getaway with your spouse. If you're able to, you can go to a vacation spot you've both been yearning to visit, but it doesn't have to be extravagant. Go to a hotel in your own town, or stay in but send the kids off to stay with Grandma or have a sleepover with friends. Take the time to get rid of all the other distractions—work, callings, children, or anything else—and focus solely on each other.

Your turn: Do you have suggestions to improve the love lives of others, whether they are single, in a relationship, or married? What has worked for you, or what goals will you be setting this year? Let us know in the comments below.

Is Dating Really Necessary for Healthy Marriages?

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:05:00 -0700

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Lots of people stop "dating" their spouses when the kids come along. But in my experience as a family therapist, dating is absolutely crucial for a healthy marriage.

Do you and your spouse go out on dates? If so, how frequently? If not, why? One of the most common things couples stop doing over time is regular dating. In counseling, I generally ask couples if they go out together. I am often met with a laugh, or some comment about how that stopped when they had kids. So, this begs the question: Is dating really necessary for healthy marriages?

In my professional opinion, the answer is a resounding yes. I am not trying to say that couples who go on dates regularly are guaranteed to have a healthy relationship, nor am I suggesting that dating is the solution to all marital problems. However, dating provides an excellent forum that can foster healthy emotional connection--a necessary ingredient for healthy relationships. That is why they are so important.

Early in your relationship with your spouse, did you date much? I imagine so. You wanted to spend time together, and life was simpler then--making dating more manageable. You likely fell in love as you dated, resulting in a marriage commitment. You wanted to be with this person you were dating all the time. The trouble is, now you may not be dating that person anymore. Yet, you fell in love because of the dates and one-on-one time. If dates worked to help you fall in love in the first place, they can be instrumental in re-kindling or maintaining that love long-term.

Does it count as a date if you just get in the car, look at each other and say something like "well, where should we go eat?" or "well, let's just go to a movie"? My answer would be no. That is not a date. Most couples are not good at dating and courting each other as much as they should. Alone time is less frequent, and romance pales compared to what it was early in the relationship. Effective dates that work for your relationship can help remedy this. If you are great at dating in your relationship, I commend you. Keep it up! If not, here are some ideas that may help.

I have compiled a list of what I consider to be the keys to dates that will work for your relationship:

Go out every week. I know this can be difficult with crazy schedules, taking care of kids, etc. However, if you really make your marriage a priority (which is necessary to have a healthy relationship), you can find a way to go out. Try to get out for at least a couple hours. The date does not have to be at night if it is difficult to schedule it. You could meet up for lunch during the week or go out for breakfast on Saturday morning.

Take turns planning a date you know your spouse would enjoy. You don't need to go over the top, but do something you know would help them see you were thinking of them in the planning. This is mutually beneficial because each week you will either be working to help make your spouse happy or receiving the efforts from your spouse to make you happy. The person planning the date should also be in charge of finding a babysitter.

Get out of the house. Staying home has too many distractions to really give your undivided attention to each other. It can also provide a healthy break from the pressures at home.

Engage in emotionally connecting activities. Select activities that require you to engage in conversation or have some type of interaction. For example, going to dinner requires you to look at each other and engage in conversation. Going to movies does not provide emotional connection. I like movies, and I am not suggesting you can't go to movies and still have good dates. However, sitting in the dark for a few hours does not do much for emotional connection. If you do go to a movie, make sure there are a few hours of other emotionally connecting activities in addition to the movie.

No tech toys. I love my smartphone and tablet computer, but they need to stay off for dates. Put your gizmos away, and don't give in to the temptation to check your email, send a text, or call a friend. It can wait a few hours. Give your undivided attention to your spouse.

Be creative. I imagine you were better at planning creative dates early in your relationship. After all, you wanted to woo your spouse. Well, keep on doing it. You don't need to spend a lot of money to do this. In fact, one of my favorite things to do with my wife on a date is to go for a drive up the canyon (though this has become a bit more costly in recent years), or just go for a walk in a park.

I am sure there are some reading this article who don't agree with some of these ideas. If so, I would ask, are your dates doing everything they could to help the emotional connection in your marriage? I am a huge believer in dating. I have seen it help countless couples struggling with a host of issues, and it really helps my relationship with my wife. Give it a real honest effort. You and your spouse will be glad you did.

Do you need other ideas on how to help your relationship? Or, would you like a free speaker on relationship issues for your ward or relief society function? Visit my website at www.swintoncounseling.com or give me a call at 801-647-9951 to discuss how I can help.

Dr. Jonathan Swinton, PhD is an LDS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Swinton Counseling in Salt Lake City.

{Single Saints} 5 Secrets to Dating Success During the Holidays

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 00:04:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Avoid winter dating woes by studying up on common mistakes made during the holidays and learning the secrets to counteract them.

The holidays often have huge romantic expectations and disappointments. If you are in a relationship (or wanting to be in one), you canʼt afford to make these five common mistakes. However, if you apply the accompanying five secrets, you may instead find lasting love.

Mistake #1: Hibernating for the Winter

For some singles, the winter and holidays can be lonely and depressing, whereas other singles use the cold as an excuse to just wall-up inside and do nothing. In either case, hibernating for the winter can have a huge impact on your happiness and relationships and can make you less attractive to the opposite sex. Not only does a sedentary lifestyle add to depression, anxiety, and weight gain, but it also prevents you from meeting new singles. Additionally, when men and women hang out instead of being actively involved, they often feel less passionately toward each other. Thus, being actively involved in life and doing things together makes you and the relationship more attractive, interesting, and desirable.

Secret #1: Treat the winter as a time to step out of your comfort zone and do something new with other singles or a dating partner.

In other words, women, take up a new hobby such as indoor rock climbing, scuba diving instruction, marathon training, etc. These can be great places to meet men. Men, take a dance class or join a new exercise group or yoga class. Lots of women attend these types of classes, and being physically active increases the chance of one or both of you feeling more chemistry.

Mistake #2: Inviting a Date to a High-pressure Event

If you just started dating someone, now is not the time to invite him or her to your work or family parties for the holidays. Itʼs too much pressure and can make you appear too "into" them. Instead plan on going to these events alone this holiday season, unless your date invites you to one of their holiday parties.

Secret #2: Women, follow the lead of the men you date, and men, set limits when needed, but in a loving way.

Ladies, if he invites you to a holiday party, it is safe to invite him to one of yours (not two or three). Following his lead means that you match his efforts, not exceed them. Men, if the woman you are dating asks you to a holiday party and the pressure of this event feels too great, simply say, “Wow, thanks for wanting me to come, but if itʼs okay I would rather wait until we have been dating a little longer.” Then offer to take her out for a date on another night. By doing this you avoid rejecting her personally while also avoiding the pressure that could prematurely drive you away from the relationship.

Mistake #3: Engaging in "Define the Relationship" Conversations

If you are wondering where the relationship is going, the holiday season is not the time to ask. The holidays alone can create too much pressure, and asking, “How do you feel about me and our relationship?” often makes you look desperate and needy.

Secret #3: Focus on having fun over the holidays and saving any serious conversations about how your dating partner feels about you until January.

Instead of cornering the person and making them analyze what they are feeling (or not feeling) just have fun and assume that the relationship is less serious (even if they invite you to their family or work parties). If you assume less you will create less pressure, whereas if you assume too much, the other person may panic and run. And for those singles who were hoping to have a Christmas Eve engagement experience: Unless they were ring shopping with you before Thanksgiving, put such dreams out of your mind. Itʼs not likely to happen and pressuring them to move more quickly will only cause tension or break ups.

Mistake #4: Buying Expensive Gifts

You may want to buy your new dating partner an expensive gift, but unless you are in a clearly defined girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, keep your gifts to $50 or less (preferably $30 or less).

Secret #4: Give a gift that matches but does not exceed their efforts or the seriousness of the relationship.

If you fear that they may buy you something expensive and you donʼt want to look cheap, then buy two gifts (one that is more expensive and one that is less expensive) so you can pull out the appropriate gift based on their gift, and then return the other. And, if you have only been on one or two dates, forgo giving a gift altogether and instead prepare a simple treat, like something you would give a neighbor. Such a gesture is enough to show you are thinking of them but are not assuming that the relationship is more serious than it is.

Mistake #5: Introducing Your Date as Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

When attending a work or family party, it is reasonable to assume that others will ask you or your date if you are serious or just friends. Anticipate this problem beforehand so as to avoid an awkward moment that could create too much pressure. You need to look confident and comfortable with the least serious description of your relationship so your date doesnʼt feel shocked by any descriptions that donʼt match their feelings.

Secret #5: Express that you intend to introduce your date as a good friend (or just a date) until they say they want to be introduced as more (boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance).

Determine the least serious description you think you could both agree on, then make sure to share this assumption with your date before the event so that they also donʼt feel hurt. To do this, say, “Just to be on the safe side, if anyone asks about us, I plan to say that we are just good friends [or just dating]. Let me know if you would prefer that I introduce you as more than this.” Then smile, act confident, and change the subject. They will appreciate the less-pressure-filled description while feeling free to jump in with a different description (i.e., “Iʼm okay with you saying Iʼm your boyfriend”) if they prefer it.

For more dating techniques like these and to help you avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues, visit itsyourtechnique.com. After all, regardless of your dating past, itʼs NOT you--itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. She is the author of the Mormon Dating System. Visit itsyourtechnique.com/specialoffer to get amazing discounts on her books, DVDs, and audios (only available on her website).

How To Show Your Spouse You're Thankful for Them

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 09:51:00 -0700

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Are you thankful for your spouse this Thanksgiving season?

As we approach the beginning of the holiday season, I gear up for a busy time of couples counseling. There always seems to be an influx of couples coming to see me for counseling help after Thanksgiving and Christmas. These holidays can test family relationships, strain finances, and highlight the lengthy winter that lies ahead. However, couples can combat some of these tendencies and strengthen their relationships through the holidays. One of the best ways is to help your spouse realize how thankful you are for them.

My family has a ritual at Thanksgiving dinner. We all go around the table saying all the things we are thankful for. This is certainly an uplifting exercise. However, I think couples can take this a step further by actually showing their spouse they are thankful for them. After all, actions do speak louder than words. My father often recounted the wise counsel he received when he was being sealed to my mother. President Lee said to him, "Just because of this ceremony, Heidi will not lose her love for roses or her taste for chocolates." Simple, yet incredibly profound advice. While I am not suggesting that flowers and chocolates are the only key to showing your spouse you love them (though chocolate goes a long way for me), the principle is vital for healthy relationships: you need to keep doing the things that made your spouse fall in love with you. After all, that is who you convinced them you could be.

Too often couples stop doing the things that made them fall in love with each other. Are you guilty of such behavior? What better time to recommit to showing your spouse how much you love them than Thanksgiving. Here are several things you could do to show your thankfulness to your spouse (for a printable list of these ideas visit www.swintoncounseling.com):

-Take her out for a date every week. Take the initiative to find the babysitter.

-Surprise him with a clean house.

-Watch the kids for the afternoon so she can have some time to herself.

-Give him a hug and a kiss each time he leaves or returns home.

-Surprise her by bringing her lunch at work.

-Take care of the kids in the morning so he can sleep in.

-Make her breakfast in bed.

-Take him to his favorite restaurant (even if you don't like it).

-Keep a dry-erase marker in the bathroom and write her notes on the mirror.

-Ask him to tell you about something he cares about.

-Do whatever you used to do when you were courting her.

-Do you have other ideas? Leave a comment below.

Each person may need something different to feel love from his or her spouse. Do you know what would say that to your spouse? If so, do more of it. If not, you may not be showing your spouse how much you love them. This Thanksgiving, will your spouse know how thankful you are to have them? Show them, they will be thankful.

Jonathan Swinton is an LDS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He accepts self and Bishop referrals, and is available to provide marriage and family therapy services and weekend couple retreats to anyone interested. He is also available to speak on marriage or family issues at Relief Society and Ward events. Contact him at Swinton Counseling: 801-647-9951, www.swintoncounseling.com.

{Single Saints} Dating Mistakes Women Make

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:08:00 -0700

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We guys are by no means perfect when it comes to dating, but that doesn't mean we're the only ones making mistakes. Here are some pitfalls you can avoid, ladies, to make life easier for all parties involved.

Dating is a dance in which neither partner knows the steps. There we go, one partner trying to do the tango while the other struggles through a waltz. Sometimes, the dance ends and both partners decide this awkward hoedown is something they want to figure out together for the rest of their lives. Most of the time, however, the dance ends with one or both of them clutching figurative sprained ankles.

Both sides should be willing to cut the other a little slack. But there are a few things girls can do--or, more specifically, not do--to prevent any awkward toe-stepping during the courtship dance. (To check out a list of mistakes guys should avoid, click here.)

1. Being too quiet.

I’ll agree that maintaining the balance so both parties enjoy fulfilling contributions to the conversation can be difficult, and both sides make mistakes in this regard. I’ve heard girls complain when a guy talks about himself for the span of the date, but we have no choice when the girl reverts to such shyness that she is almost indistinguishable from a remarkably pretty potted plant that has learned to occasionally nod and say, “Hmm.” We’ll do our best, and you do your best. That’s all we both can expect.

2. Giving too much attention to others.

If we’re with other people, it’s perfectly acceptable to talk to them too, but please don’t neglect us in favor of your friends or the other guys. (Especially the other guys.) If your friends happen to be present, you should still make sure you give your date the time he deserves.

3. Giving mixed signals.

Sometimes girls act like they're interested and we think things are going along great--until we try to make a move and get rejected. Reciprocating our attempts at physical affection is by no means mandatory, and we should not feel like we’re entitled to some level of such affection. But let us hold your hand or kiss you if the timing’s right, we both want it, and it's within the boundaries of chaste behavior. A little shyness is natural, but unwarranted fickleness will simply send us back home scratching our heads at the perpetual mystery of femininity.

4. Expecting us to read your mind.

Let’s say I tell you we’re going to a Mexican restaurant and you secretly hate Mexican food. Please tell me you think it’s a bad idea. Otherwise you’re going to have to suffer through chalupas all evening, and I’m going to have to suffer through you suffering though chalupas without knowing what’s going on. Whether you do or don't want to do something, please, let us know.

5. Holding unrealistic expectations.

Girls, we love you, but we just don’t understand you. You’re like a mystical temple unearthed in the Amazon, hoarding fabled treasure inside but guarded by deadly traps. We’re trying to learn more about you and not get eaten by giant tarantulas or crushed by rolling boulders in the process. Please excuse us for making mistakes in our attempts to court you.

Let’s all try to be more understanding. We guys can be a little stupid, but we’re not the only guilty parties when dating goes south. Maybe, if the above suggestions are taken into account, we can both avoid sprained ankles as we continue through this crazy dance we call dating.

Your turn: Is this list complete? Accurate? What are some other mistakes women make in dating?

Ryan Kunz is proud of the fact that he is a Star Wars nerd and remains socially adept and reasonably conscious of fashion. He enjoys writing, hiking, spending time in intellectually stimulating company, and talking about himself in the third person. He will someday be a bestselling novelist but in the meantime is studying advertising at BYU.

Sane Family Gatherings

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 00:03:00 -0700

by Jonathan Swinton
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Preparing for family gatherings is par for the course during the holiday season. But did you realize you should also be preparing for the impact such gatherings can have on your marital relationship? Bringing all the family together can be extremely rewarding, but it can also test the relationships of all those who are present. Here are four tips that can help minimize the negative impact that family and family gatherings can have on your marriage.

1. Have realistic expectations.
Most couples have an idea of what types of issues are likely to annoy them or hurt their feelings when the whole family gets together. It is important to realize that in most situations, you will each be more patient with your own family. You and your spouse will likely each be more excited to spend time with your own family. This is logical. However, often people are not realistic enough about how they or their spouse will feel about family and family gatherings or unrealistically expect things to be different than they were before. Change your expectations, and you and your spouse will be better able to take the irritations in stride.

2. Open the lines of communication.
In anticipation of family gatherings, talk with your spouse about what sort of things you may face and how you can understand what may cause issues for her. If you go into the events knowing what may or may not cause issues for your spouse, you can prevent dealing with ramifications. If there have been problems before, talk with your family members and set boundaries so that similar problems are less likely to occur in future. In most situations, families get together because they want to enjoy each other’s company. Educate them if something upsets you. Be open, honest, and patient. They will likely appreciate knowing how to help make things more comfortable for you and your spouse. If a problem arises, nip it early.

3. Avoid the temptation to smooth things over.
Smoothing is the term I use to illustrate when a person tries to fix things between their family and their spouse. For example, when your spouse’s feelings are hurt by one of your family members (even if it was unintentional), it is tempting to try to diffuse the situation by explaining that your family member did not intend to hurt your spouse’s feelings. You may also try to help your spouse look at the situation differently so that your family member is not put in such a bad light. You may think explaining that to your spouse will help him feel better. The reality is that you may make the situation worse. Your spouse may feel that you are taking the side of the family member and that your family of origin is more important than he is.

A better way to deal with the situation is to listen to your spouse and validate what he experienced. You don’t have to agree with his interpretation. Do your best to put your feelings of loyalty to family on the back burner.

4. Put your marriage first.
If you are faced with a situation where you have to side with your spouse or another family member, choose your spouse every time. I hesitate to talk of it like you have to take sides, but the reality is that if your spouse’s feelings have been hurt or you decide to spend too much time with your family instead of your spouse’s, your spouse may feel that you are taking sides. Protecting your spouse protects your marriage. You may need to spend less time with your family than you want and more time with your spouse’s family than you want.

Family is and should be the greatest joy in our lives. That is why it is so great to get together and celebrate the birth of the Savior together. Following the tips I have provided can help you and your spouse happily navigate potential negatives you may face so you can truly feel joyous about your family and your spouse’s family.

{Single Saints} 5 Signs She's Not Serious about You

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 00:05:00 -0600

by Jessica Carter
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: This is a companion piece to our recent "5 Signs He's Not Serious about You"--for all the men out there wishing to decode women's dating (or don't-date) hints.

Turnabout is fair play. After writing “5 Signs He’s Not Serious about You,” many readers requested that I do a similar blog to help the guys out there decode the sometimes subtle and confusing signals of the fairer sex. Well, gentlemen, here they are—five of our favorite strategies for avoiding those suitors we are just not into.

1. Blocking BFFs

If every time you try to talk to me in a social setting, one of my friends appears out of nowhere and whisks me away because she “needs help” or “needs to talk to me,” it’s because I have assigned her to play interference. Don’t get mad at her—she’s just being a loyal friend who is rescuing me from a situation I don’t want to be in. Trust me, if I were interested in you, there is no way my BFFs would interrupt us unless it was a matter of life or death.

2. She avoids eye contact and physical proximity.

Okay, guys, listen up. It seems a lot of you out there need to hone your skills at interpreting body language, so here is a quick tutorial.

If a woman is attracted to you, she will find a way to be close to you. She will lean toward you when you speak to her or when she speaks to you. She will touch your arm or brush up against your shoulder. She will stand near you. And she will make eye contact often.

If I have not touched you, if I am evading your gaze, and if I am standing at arm’s length, please take it as a sign that you’re not my type. Women are often frustrated that men can’t pick up on these signals. They may seem subtle to you, but to us, it feels like we are all but screaming out for you to please move on.

3. She never lets you do her any favors—or she asks for them constantly without reciprocating.

If I won’t let you do anything nice for me, it’s because I don’t want to let you into my personal life and I don’t want to feel indebted or obligated to you in any way. In other words, you aren’t someone I want to rely on for any reason because I don’t want you around long term and I don’t want to lead you on.

Of course, I have seen those women who go to the other extreme—always asking for favors from the nice guy who wants to be chivalrous. Its’ great that she feels she can turn to you for help, but if you always find yourself giving the favors but never getting any in return, she’s taking advantage of you, or, at best, you are in the dreaded “friend zone.”

4. She takes forever to get back to you—if she does at all.

If the woman you’re crushing on takes days to return your call, she’s not serious about you. Period. We are all busy, but if a woman likes a man, she will find a way to carve out at least a few minutes to text or call in a timely manner. If I haven’t gotten back to you at all, no, my phone isn’t off. I got your text and your voicemail and your Facebook message. I just don’t have the heart to tell you the hard truth: I’m not interested.

5. She’s “not ready for a relationship.”

I admit it—this strategy is my weapon of choice because there is no room for argument. If I’m not ready, I’m not ready. End of story. But if a woman says this to you, what she probably means is that she’s not ready to be in a relationship with you—and she never will be. Do yourself a favor and don’t wait around for her to change her mind. The fact is, if the right guy came along, she would be ready.

Note: this escape route can also manifest as the classic “too busy for a relationship” excuse. She’s focusing on school or her career or her family. There’s just no room in her life for love. Not likely. Don’t believe it, but do take the hint.

Women can be confusing and complicated. I know it may not seem like it, but for the most part, we are trying to spare your feelings and be the nice LDS girls we were taught to be. Unfortunately, often times this means we are no good at being direct. So rather than pulling teeth and forcing us to admit that we don’t like you “in that way,” take these signs for what they are, cut your losses, and move on.

Your turn: Men, what signs do you look for to know if a woman isn’t interested (or if she is)? Ladies, what signs do you use to hint that you're not interested? Is this list accurate?

Jessica Carter is a recently divorced mother of two. In her late thirties, she is learning to navigate the mysterious world of LDS mid-singles.

{Single Saints} 5 Signs He’s Not Serious about You

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 00:07:00 -0600

by Jessica Carter
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Are you thinking he loves you not? Figuring out the code of an unpromising relationship is frustrating on many levels, but you deserve to know. These are 5 signs to help you know.

Okay, ladies. We’ve all been there. You’re totally into a certain guy, and things seem to be going well, but you’re not quite sure how serious he is about you. Little things start to make you wonder if he’s not as interested as you thought he was. Maybe you brush them off and scold yourself for being too insecure. Maybe he always has an excuse for his behavior. But in my experience there are five tell-tale signs that he’s not serious about you—whether he wants to admit it or not.

1. No Definite Plans
If you hang up the phone without any firm plans for the near future, sit up and pay attention. I know that when I’m interested in someone, I will go out of my way to make time for him. And when our schedules don’t line up, I always make sure to offer an alternative or, at the very least, let him know I am looking forward to seeing him as soon as possible. Now, ending a phone call with “let’s talk in a few days to touch base” is perfectly acceptable. But if after fishing around for a date there is no indication that you are part of his social calendar, you might want to consider looking for new prospects.

Another thing to consider is the way he talks. The next time you’re together, really listen. Does he use the word “we” in the future tense? For example, “We should go there sometime.” Does he use the word “we” at all? If not, he’s probably not thinking you’ll be in the picture much longer.

2. Texting Instead of Calling
Yes, texting is a very popular method of communication. It’s a convenient way to send a quick message. It’s also a convenient way to avoid meaningful communication. Have you ever noticed how it seems to be perfectly acceptable for someone to drop off the face of the earth in the middle of a texting conversation? Or to just not respond at all?

Now, I’m not saying that he shouldn’t text. But does your man text significantly more often than he calls? Texting is much less intimate. If he isn’t anxious to hear your voice, you shouldn’t be anxious to stick around.

3. Complete Absence of PDA
I emphasize the word “complete.” I realize that many guys are not comfortable with public affection. But if he really likes you, he’ll still put his arm around you or hold your hand or kiss you on the cheek. If he’s willing to do these things when it’s just the two of you, he’ll be willing to do them in public if he thinks his relationship with you is long term.

And, girls, to put it bluntly, if a guy kisses you when you’re alone but won’t so much as touch you when you’re walking down the street together, alarms should be going off in your head.

4. You Don’t Know His Family and Friends
If a guy is serious about you, he’ll want you to be part of his life. He’ll want to show you off to his best buddies and eventually to his family. If you’ve been dating for a significant amount of time and are yet to meet key people in his life, it probably means he doesn’t think of you as one of those key people.

5. He Doesn’t Know What Is Important to You
Does he ask you about your dreams and goals? Your family and friends? Your likes and dislikes? If he is crazy about you, he will try to figure out what makes you tick. And what is important to you will be important to him. If your conversations with him rarely delve into deeper topics, it likely means that he’s not willing to invest in you emotionally.

I don’t mean to be all doom and gloom. But, ladies, if a guy is exhibiting any of these signs, move on. Don’t wait for him to “come around.” If you have to convince a guy that he should be with you, then you shouldn’t be with him. You deserve to be with someone who adores you. Don’t put up with anything less.

Your turn: What warning signs do you look for to know if a guy’s not interested (or if he is)? Is this list accurate?

---
Jessica Carter is a recently divorced mother of two. In her late thirties, she is learning to navigate the mysterious world of LDS mid-singles.

Could Mental Health Issues Be Hurting Your Marriage?

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:05:00 -0600

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Swinton Counseling
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: If you, your spouse, or both of you are struggling with mental health issues, it is likely placing undue stress on your marriage.

Could mental health issues may be negatively influencing your marriage? Have you or your spouse ever been diagnosed with a mental health problem? If not, have you ever checked to see if you or your spouse have any symptoms?

Mental health problems are much more common than most people realize. The most recent estimates indicate that approximately 25 percent of adults experience depression problems, 30 percent of adults experience anxiety problems, and even more experience excessive levels of stress. In the high pressure world we live in, these problems are increasing in prevalence.

From the perspective of a marriage counselor, this is very concerning because research has shown that if either spouse is struggling with mental health issues, your marriage may be negatively impacted. In fact, research has indicated that if mental health issues preceded your relationship problems, your relationship will never fully recover until the mental health issues are under control. Similarly, if marital problems preceded the mental health problems, resolving the relationship problems may be a key to improving mental health. With as common as mental health issues are, the chances of one spouse experiencing struggles with mental health problems is very high.

How do I know if I have mental health issues?
To help you with this, I have loaded a quick screener for depression, anxiety, and excessive stress on my website. Click here to download a PDF of the screener for you and your spouse to take. If you score above the normal range, it may be wise to seek further assessment from a competent professional. A high score on the assessment is not meant to be a diagnosis of a mental health problems, rather, it is meant to help you see what may need further assessment.

What can I do if I do struggle with mental health issues?
First of all, remain positive. Most mental health issues are very manageable. Here are some things you can do to resolve the mental health symptoms:

Seek help in counseling/therapy: Counseling can be extremely helpful. In fact, therapists are among the most competent to accurately diagnose mental health issues. There is often a stigma associated with counseling in our society. This is unfortunate because competent therapists have been shown to be extremely helpful in helping people find ways to overcome mental health and marital problems. As a competent therapist, I would be happy to help you with your mental health and marital problems. Feel free to visit my website for more information: www.swintoncounseling.com.

Get a full physical with blood work: Many mental health symptoms are not really mental health problems. Rather, they may be an indication of an underlying physiological condition, such as thyroid or other problems. The first thing I suggest to my clients that show mental health symptoms is to get a full physical to rule out potential physiological causes. It is also common that other medications you are taking could be causing your symptoms. Your doctor can help you rule this out.

Try appropriate medications: Mental health issues have been proven to often have biological components such has serotonin imbalances. Medications that have been released in recent years are extremely helpful at targeting these issues and have very few side effects. Many have the incorrect assumption that mental health medications such as antidepressants will be addictive, change their personality, or make them feel weird all the time. This is simply not the case. They are extremely effective at only targeting the biological issue, most are not habit forming, and have negligible side effects. If you are not comfortable with medications, there are several natural remedies that can also be helpful. Talk to your doctor for more information.

Start a regular daily exercise program: Research has shown that consistent daily exercise can be as effective as taking an anti-depressant. Don't set unrealistic goals for exercise. Just try to get your heart rate up for 15 minutes a day 5 times per week.

Get enough sleep: I worked with a sleep specialist when I was employed as a therapist at a well-respected medical school. The specialist showed me evidence that most people don't get enough sleep, and this can contribute to mental health problems. The specialist indicated that people need a minimum of 7.5 - 9 hours of sleep per night. That means that some people need at least 9 hours of sleep to be in good health. It also means that anyone that says they need less than 7.5 hours of sleep likely doesn't realize they would be healthier with more sleep.

Best case scenario is to do all of the above: Research has shown that people that do all of the above-listed items will resolve their mental health issues more quickly than just doing some of them.

I suggest that all couples be screened for mental health issues. You may not realize that things can feel better than they do now with some simple professional help. Visit the link provided above to make sure you and your spouse are doing well. It may be the key to keeping your marriage strong forever.

Is there a general marriage or family relationship issue that you would like our relationship expert Jonathan Swinton to address in future columns? If so, send him an email at jonathan@swintoncounseling.com.

Jonathan Swinton is an LDS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He is an approved LDS Family Services Referred Provider, accepts Bishop referrals, and is available to provide marriage and family therapy services and weekend couple retreats to anyone interested. He is also available to speak on marriage issues at Relief Society and Ward events. Contact him at Swinton Counseling: 801-647-9951, www.swintoncounseling.com.

Men's Brains vs. Women's Brains

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 16:40:00 -0600

source: ldschurchnews.com

Mormon Life says: This was the subject of on BYU Education Week seminar. It may be useful/interesting to readers who are in a relationship . . . Licensed professional counselor Kevin Hinckley explored the difference between men's brains and women's brains during a lecture given Tuesday, Aug. 16, as a part of Campus Education Week at BYU.

Brother Hinckley walked students through what makes them different from one another by gender, and noted key points about each gender he felt both sides needed to know in order to carry out a happy and successful marriage relationship.

He pointed out that even though men have 4% more brain cells than women and about 100 grams more brain tissue, women have more connections going on between their brain cells and they also have a larger corpus collusum, which allows them to transfer data between the right and left hemispheres of the brain faster and easier, thus giving them almost full function of both sides of their brains while men are more limited.