Mormon Life - Men tag

Fighting the Battle Against Pornography

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Briana Stewart
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Pull the rug out from under pornography. Brush up on why we need to worry, who pornography is affecting, how to prevent it, how to get help, and why—amidst this daunting plague—there is still overwhelming hope.

Pornography is an issue that’s been swept under the rug for years. But it’s 2012, and we’re running out of rugs. In a world where pornography is not only accepted but applauded, our brooms need to be used for clean combat rather than hidden anguish.

“We are being inundated with sexualized messages—even in the most benign places,” says Jill C. Manning, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of What’s The Big Deal About Pornography? “If we are not actively protecting ourselves and loved ones from these toxic messages, we risk leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack.”

And what a brutal attack it is. Men, women, children, spouses, family members—no one is safe from the damaging effects of pornography.

What’s more, it’s not enough to simply abstain from it. Latter-day Saints need to fight the clean fight and actively rid their homes of this mess of an addiction.

“The days of simply putting the computer in an open area of the house are long gone,” says Geoff Steurer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, Utah. “We are so past that simplified form of prevention, thanks to our world of in-your-face media. We have to be more active than we’ve ever been before. Because if we don’t, we’re going to lose this battle.”

The Big Deal

We’ve all heard it before—those subtle (and not-so-subtle) exchanges on movies and television that paint pornography in a jovial light. We’re talking the “boys will be boys” mantras, the “it’s not harming anyone” claims, or the “it saved our marriage” declarations.

But the truth is, pornography is neither harmless nor helpful.

“Pornography use is not simply a habit,” says Manning. “It is a mood altering, belief changing, relationship damaging, addiction forming, socially harmful, spiritually deadening, and life crippling practice through which one practices the ways of the adversary.”

And the statistics are equally alarming. In 2006, worldwide pornography revenue was more than $97 billion ($13 billion of which came from the U.S.).

According to Enough is Enough, every second, $3,075.64 is spent on pornography; 28,258 Internet viewers look at it; and 372 users type “adult” terms into search engines.

Every 39 minutes, a new pornographic video is made in the U.S.

And perhaps most alarming, it’s been reported that 79 percent of young people’s unwanted exposure to pornography occurs in the home.

It was stats like these that propelled Pamela Atkinson, president of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography, into battle.

“The more I learned about pornography, the more I knew I had to fight against it,” Atkinson says. “It’s spreading at such a rapid rate, and not just with individuals but with entire families. I just shudder when I hear people say it’s harmless.”

Church apostles and prophets are equally concerned with how pornography is affecting us. Just take a look at their official statement on pornography, which can be found on lds.org:

It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: ‘Thou shalt not . . . commit adultery . . . nor do anything like unto it’ (D&C 59:6). Pornography is tragically addictive. Like other addictions, it leads people to experiment and to seek more powerful stimulations. Those who experiment with it and allow themselves to remain caught in its trap will find that it will destroy them, degrading their minds, hearts and spirits. It will rob them of self-respect and of their sense of the beauties of life. It will tear them down and lead them to evil thoughts and possibly evil actions. It will cause terrible damage to their family relationships.

And “evil” is no exaggeration.

“I’ve met with people whose lives have been altered by pornography to the point of destruction,” Atkinson says. “Many people are surprised to know pornography consumption can be the leading cause of sexual violence, assault, and even sex trafficking. In fact, a high percentage of sexual predators started with what they call soft-core pornography. There are no limits to its devastation.”

Keep reading on the next page to find out who is being affected, and its effects.

The Who

Pornography has historically been considered a man’s issue, but times are changing.

In addition to men, more women are partaking in it, children are being exposed at earlier ages, and marriages and families are suffering because of it.

“People think pornography is something people somewhere else do,” Atkinson says. “But it could be a family member, a neighbor, or someone at church—it’s everywhere, and we can’t ignore it anymore.”

Here’s a breakdown of the groups affected by pornography, along with the startling damages it can bring.

Men

Men are still the number-one consumer of pornography, and it’s a trend that has only continued to climb.

“Pornography shuts men down emotionally,” Steurer says. “And it’s not an issue of being sex crazed—which I think is often misunderstood. This is an addiction that covers up other emotions, and it can lead men to view women in a different way, affect the way they feel about themselves, and cause them to become moody and distant.”

Additionally, it can lead to an obsession with fantasy and distaste for reality.

“Oftentimes, they become less interested in their own lives and less interested in having sex with their spouses,” Steurer says. “In some cases, it leads men to take more risks that may lead to affairs or even criminal activity. They can become completely, totally different people.”

Women

The growing trend of women and pornography is a startling one, perhaps because it’s so seldom discussed. A big part of that is the explosion—and anonymity—of the Internet.

“The Internet is the great equalizer on many things, but sadly, it’s also the great equalizer with the pornography industry,” Manning says. “Instead of being a boys club, you have women who can now access this material in private online—women who wouldn’t have dared show their face in an adult video store 15 years ago.”

Part of the desire, Steurer believes, comes from the pressure women receive about their appearance.

“Women are being told at every turn that their power and influence comes from their bodies,” he says. “Back in the day, publications like Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal were touting a message for women to rise up and be better homemakers and have better character. And now the message is not about serving your family, but about how hot you can be and how to satisfy your man. Women are being groomed to think of themselves as only sexual beings.”

And as a result, that grooming can spark curiosity and lead women to engage in online pornography sites, graphic romance novels, and the ever-growing trend of sexting.

“More women send nudity across their cell phones than men do,” Steurer says. “They think it’s what men want, and then they get hooked. Too often, their self worth comes from being accepted by men in this way, which only furthers their immersion into the pornography world.”

Youth

A number of research studies show kids being exposed to their first pornographic image at an average age of 11.

That’s Primary age, folks.

“Thanks to the media, kids are being taught at younger ages that pornography is an acceptable form of expression,” Steurer says. “And in homes where these issues are not discussed, they’re too young to realize what’s happening to them. They don’t understand the gravity of these messages, which are both subliminal and overt.”

Jan Garbett, president of Women For Decency, an organization that links women together in the fight against offensive content, wholeheartedly concurs.

“When we leave our kids to fend for themselves in sexual matters, it isn’t fair,” she says. “It’s like giving your sixth grader the keys to the Ferrari and saying, ‘Want to go to the beach? Great! We’ll meet you there.’ They are on this super highway in this incredible machine, but they don’t know how to drive it.”

Spouses and Family Members

Pornography can affect the marital unit on two levels. The first is a matter of one partner secretly engaging in pornographic material.

“It can literally feel as though your spouse has had an affair,” Steurer says. “As Latter-day Saints, we live in a world where we value monogamy, fidelity, and commitment, and when a spouse turns to someone else—even if it’s not a real, live person—the betrayal feels the same and the insecurities arise: ‘What’s wrong with me? Why am I not enough?’”

The second effect happens to couples who view pornography openly.

“Speaking as a researcher, there is no data that shows pornography is helpful to marriages—and that holds true for couples who consume it openly and mutually,” Manning says. “Actually, what we see is the opposite. There is a body of data growing that fully supports what our prophets and apostles have been telling us, and it’s that pornography undermines fidelity, trust, and intimacy in marriage.”

Regardless of how it’s viewed, the effects on marriages (and consequently families) are monumental. Below, Manning lists 10 such effects:

· Decreased sensitivity toward women

· Less progressive views of gender roles

· Increased risk of becoming aggressive, violent, and abusive

· Three times more likely to commit adultery and four times more likely to hire a prostitute

· Acquire an instrumental view of sexuality

· Increased risk of sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction

· Decreased trust in partner

· Decreased desire to marry and have children

· Increased risk of separation, divorce, and job loss

· Diminished spirituality and respect of sacred aspects of life

Keep reading on the next page for prevention tips and resources for healing.

Prevention

With the world not taking the pornography problem seriously (or in many cases, even acknowledging it as a problem), it is imperative that LDS families take matters into their own homes.

“We need to be empowered to teach our children and families about this toxic topic,” Garbett says. “We all need to become more educated on prevention rather than merely worrying about it after the fact.”

Here are seven ways to maximize prevention in your home.

1. Look at your media access points.

“You have to look at all the media access in your home—Internet, mobile devices, television, magazines, books, etc.,” Manning says. “Examine those access points carefully and do what you can to filter or stop it.”

And while having the computer in an open area isn’t enough, it is still a crucial component.

“A child should never have a computer in his or her bedroom,” Atkinson says. “It opens them up to all kinds of dangers.”

2. Look at your spiritual/emotional access.

“Having internal filters is far more effective than running any sort of program on your computer,” Manning says. “Be honest with what makes your family vulnerable and what temptations you struggle with—and then cater your family media guidelines to those vulnerabilities.”

3. Establish a formal family media pledge.

“It’s important to not just think about guidelines for your family—write them down, print it out, and have each member of your family sign it,” Manning says. “Make an FHE out of it!”

4. Practice what you pledge.

“Example is one of the most powerful tools we have for our kids,” Manning says. “And if it means our own media intake is more wholesome because of it? All the better.”

5. Have open and honest discussions with your kids about sexual matters.

“We need to teach our kids about healthy sexuality, and it starts with our infants and toddlers,” Manning says. “A lot of parents are reluctant to talk to their kids because the subject matter makes them uncomfortable. But we live in a world where we don’t have a choice. If they don’t hear it from us, they’re going to hear it skewed and distorted from somewhere else.”

Manning and Steurer both highly recommend “A Parent’s Guide,” which is an official LDS Church booklet (and free download on lds.org) to teach your kids about intimacy.

“It’s actually old—written in 1985—and it’s one of the best out there without question,” Steurer says. “It’s so interesting, because so often the Church gets accused of being a little prudish when it comes to these areas. But it’s documents like these that give us the perfect foundation and language to teach our families. It’s so much easier to explain pornography to our kids—and why to avoid it—if they have a healthy foundation from a young age.”

6. Teach your teens about the serious penalties of engaging in pornography.

“Children need to be alerted to the potentially tragic consequences of their actions,” Atkinson says. “When they engage in activities like sexting, which is so popular with kids today, they are opening themselves up to potential issues with the law. They need to know that if there is a question in their mind, the content shouldn’t be sent.”

7. Have a plan.

Discuss a game plan with your children of what to do if they come across pornographic material. Ideally, they would turn it off, come to you, and discuss what they saw and how they felt.

“We have all kinds of drills at school—fire drills, earthquake drills—but we really need to have spiritual drills where we know what to do when we’re confronted with damaging content,” Manning says.

“We need to leverage our relationships with our kids,” Garbett adds. “We need to teach them in a way they will listen. We can’t frighten, offend them, or overreact. We need to calmly tell them how glad we are they came to us, and then talk about the problem and how to avoid it in the future.”

Help Wanted

If pornography has already plagued your family, the battle isn’t lost. Here are five steps to getting the help you need.

Come out of hiding.

“Tell somebody your story, which is one of the hardest things to do,” Steurer says. “Tell someone you trust—a spouse, a counselor, a bishop. You can’t [overcome] it in isolation.”

Seek professional help.

“Most people need a combination of counseling, group support, and ecclesiastical assistance,” Steurer says. “People who utilize all of these areas will have infinitely more success, and people who tippy-toe around the problem will continue to struggle. You can’t do this halfway.”

Learn about healthy sexuality.

“Understand the clear and distinct difference between pornography and healthy sexuality—way too many people aren’t clear on that,” Manning says. “If we are going to be responsible sexual beings, it behooves us to express our sexuality in ways that do no harm. We have not been put on this planet and blessed with the power of procreation to have it do harm.”

Challenge your brain.

“Part of getting help is learning how to discipline your mind,” Manning says. “Take up a hobby, find a new passion in your life, enroll in a class, challenge yourself.”

Find spiritual healing.

“Pornography is deadening to one’s spirit. There is nothing godly or of virtue to be found,” Manning says. “When we become addicted to anything, we become a slave to it, which takes us away from our divine center. That spiritual focus is crucial to healing.”

And in the unfortunate cases where our kids struggle with pornography, embrace them, help them, and guide them— without judgment.

“Parents have to create a safe environment to talk about the problem,” Steurer says. “Let your child know that he or she is not bad or evil. Teach them that what they are feeling is normal—pornography simply hijacked it. They got a false start, and now you’re concerned with protecting them and getting them help.”

Get Your Hopes Up

Pornography is a dark and heavy subject—there’s no getting around it. But we can’t be defeated by the filth.

In fact, Manning sees a clean sweep, even if it is years away.

“I compare it to what we’ve seen in the tobacco and cigarette industry. There was a tipping point with a large body of research that started to shift the culture tide,” Manning says. “A similar thing will happen with pornography. There will be a body of medical evidence that will show the harmful effects pornography has on the brain and on relationships—and our culture tide will start to shift. We are a long way from that, but the research gives me hope.”

Steurer is equally optimistic.

“Don’t be afraid of this,” he says. “People that confront pornography and get help become better people through the challenge. Stop running from the problem. Stop living in hiding. There is hope.”

And in the meantime? Fight, fight, fight.

“I was at a women’s conference where general Relief Society president Julie Beck made a rallying cry and told us women that we need to fight against the pornography infiltrating our society. It stirred my soul and made me want to say, ‘Hey, Julie, I’m there!’” Garbett says. “I don’t have all the time in the world, but I have a minute. We have to be courageous. We have to fear God more than man. We’re on the battle lines, and I’m ready to fight.”

And nothing irritates Satan more than a good, clean fight.

“When we feel apprehensive or hesitant to discuss these kinds of topics, we need to remind ourselves that the adversary would love nothing more than for it to be shoved under the rug,” Manning says. “But we can’t let that happen. There is too much to live for and too much to hope for.”

You can also learn more about the Church's Addiction Recovery Programs by clicking here.

This article was originally published in the March/April 2012 issue of LDS Living. Click here to learn more.

Advice I'd Give My 21-Year-Old Self

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by LDS Living Readers
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We all know that when we’re older, hindsight is 20/20. What things do you wish you had known when you were younger? Enjoy these gems of hard-won wisdom from some of our readers.

Only care about what the Lord thinks and not other people. Everything else just seems to fall into place when that is my focus.

—Anne; Arizona

Volunteer. Someone could use your help and you’ll get a better feeling that lasts longer. You’re poor, so act like it—that is, in terms of spending. Learn about every good thing you can; the more you learn about something, the more interesting it will become.

—Danny McClure; Blacksburg, Virginia

Don’t get a credit card in college.

Listen to your parents and your friends. If they don’t like the person you’re dating, there’s probably a good reason.

Pick your battles. Decide what is worth fighting over and then don’t sweat the rest of it.

It’s fine for other people to “win” arguments.

Apologize even when you don’t think something was your fault. It never hurts, and if it mends fences, it’s good.

Worry less about what other people think about you.

—Rachel Ausband; Marblehead, Massachusetts

Words of wisdom I received from my grandmother: “I decided that life was too short to go around feeling offended, so I just decided to never be offended.” This mindset has saved me considerable emotional energy over the years. Try to see the big picture, give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and always make the choice to not be offended.

—Elizabeth Forsyth; Doylestown, Pennsylvania

Appreciate your parents. It’s hard sometimes—I remember all too well. But your time with them is so limited. Take the time to call them, check on them, go see a movie with them, or just hang out eating cookies. I promise that when you are older you will cherish those moments.

—Carol Stuart

Keep physically fit. That is a blessing you will be grateful for throughout your life. Eat well, work out regularly, and walk whenever you can. Walking is a great way to connect with your spouse once you get married. If you do it on a daily basis, it can be a great time to discuss family situations outside the home in a neutral surrounding.

—Debbie Justesen; Roseville, California

You can do anything but not everything.

You have your entire life to get married and have children; live a little first. Work, travel, and enjoy. You will eventually be a better mother and wife for taking time to become who you want to be.

Don’t worry about what others think. Be true to yourself and God. The rest will take care of itself.

—Jacqueline White; Springfield, Massachusetts

Develop a strong testimony because the decisions you’ll make in the next few years will be the most important decisions you’ll perhaps ever make.

—K.D. Paniagua; Nevada

Just having retired, I really wish I had started saving for retirement much sooner. Learn the tricks of those who are good with money and don’t get into debt.

—Ann Reynolds; Everett, Washington

You’re going to live to be 100, so don’t freak out when something doesn’t happen in a few months or a few years. It’s okay if you didn’t graduate in exactly four years. It’s okay if you didn’t get married by 25 like you’d always planned. For some things, you just have to go with the flow and let what will happen, happen. The timing will always work out, even if it is not the timing you wanted.

—Heather Galovan; Salt Lake City, Utah

Avoid mid-semester weddings if possible. Don’t take a career path that restricts you to only a certain geographic location.

—Mike McClure; Tazewell, Virginia

Organize your classes well and develop good academic skills as fast as you can. Don’t overload your schedule, even if you can still pass your classes. Be diligent and patient in your schoolwork and leave time for dating and earning a little extra cash to have some fun, too.

—John Leonard; Sacramento, California

When it comes to finding a future companion, it is more important to focus on being your best self for her rather than trying to find “The One.”

—Brian Bourgerie; Spring Lake Park, Minnesota

Take your time in school. Slow it down and enjoy life for where you are at right now. Some of the greatest times are missed or overshadowed by always being busy and wanting or needing to grow up. Remember the tortoise and the hare: slow and steady wins the race. Speedy and greedy leaves you tired and needy.

—Jay Tucker; Mesa, Arizona

When you have children, play with them—a lot! Read to them—a lot! Lie by them when you put them to bed each night and talk, maybe for only two to five minutes. These things will make all the difference in your relationship with them throughout the years.

—Gayle Halversen

Flossing is a hassle, but do it anyway. Your skin never forgets what you do to it; sunbathing will age you quickly. You’ll thank me when people think your younger siblings are older than you. Look upon the challenges and trials of your life as “all part of the adventure.” Read Hugh Nibley and other LDS scholars in conjunction with your scripture study.

—Lisa Howard; Adana, Turkey

Don’t go crazy thinking about your weight. You’ll look back 20+ years later and realize you looked pretty great and would give anything to be that size again. It’s all about perspective. Be kinder and more forgiving of yourself in thought.

Wear a high-level sunscreen every day! Your skin, especially your face, neck, and hands (yes, your hands) will thank you later with fewer wrinkles, blemishes, and sun spots in your 40s. Need proof? Just look at your mother’s face, neck, and hands. Now go get some sunscreen.

—Loralee Humphries; Henderson, Nevada

Sometimes it can be hard to believe in yourself and your abilities. Don’t take counsel from your fears; shoot high. This is your opportunity in life to be whatever you want to be. Once you have made up your mind, work hard and take daily action to accomplish your goal.

—David Jenkins; Yuba City, California

When things look really bad and you have done all you can do, take a long, hot bath, have a good cry (in the tub if possible), go to bed, and sleep. Things will always look better in the morning. This was the best advice my mother gave me when I was a teenager. It still holds true.

—Judith Adams Grant; Waycross, Georgia

Sweetie, you are worth so much more than you think right now! Spend some time learning all the wonderful things about yourself and then start thinking about getting married. Most of all, I love you, Mom and Dad love you, all of the family loves you, Heavenly Father and Jesus love you.

P.S. When you do have kids, take tons of pictures because they grow up so stinking fast that it seems like a blur.

—Bethany Seher; Murray, Utah

Don’t waste your time on Facebook, video games, or other stuff like it. Go out of your way and don’t be afraid to serve or talk to others about the gospel. Always be learning, improving, and developing talents.

Colin McKay; Mesa, Arizona

Take the bull by the horns and never look back. Don’t rely on someone else to make you happy; happiness is a choice and you should never let someone tell you different. You have more talent than you know, so don’t be afraid to show it and build upon it. Most of all, never make the mistake of thinking you are alone in your efforts. Treat a janitor as you would treat a CEO.

—Andrew Fry; Fernley, Nevada

Love is half how you feel about the other person and half how you feel about yourself because of that person. If you admire him/her like the sun, but whenever you are with him/her you feel like you are a toadstool, even though the words “I love you” are passing between you, you only have half of love—you’re not bringing out the best in each other. Find someone with whom you feel like a princess and who feels like he’s a prince because of you.

—Chris

When you get home from your mission, make sure to talk about other things when you go on dates.

—Vince; Pasco, Washington

Fill your bucket now! This is the one time in your life (if you are single) when you are independent and able to make decisions for yourself. Once you are married and have a family, you need to put others’ needs before your own. Thus, if there is something you have been dying to do, do it. Fill your mind with scriptural knowledge, knowledge from great books, and knowledge from people you know and trust. Create a “bucket” that is full of wonderful experiences and wisdom that you can draw from in the future when you need it for more difficult or stressful times.

—Debbie Justesen; Roseville, California

You cannot reap if you do not sow.

The task that takes the longest to complete is the one you never start.

True obedience to the gospel is more than just active avoidance of unrighteousness—it is active avoidance of unrighteousness coupled with active engagement in righteousness. Too often

the latter is forgotten or eclipsed by things that do not edify (D&C 50:23).

The pain of loneliness, disappointment, despair, and heartache is actually carving reservoirs into your soul that will later be filled with joy.

Carbohydrates will make you fat.

—Grant Hart; Grand Junction, Colorado

No, you don’t have it all figured out. No, you are not the person you have to be for the rest of your life. Let yourself change, let yourself learn, and let yourself grow.

—Amanda Taylor; Salt Lake City, Utah

Do you have more wisdom and advice not already included? Leave a comment below!

Check out some of the advice our Facebook friends gave here.

See what advice our LDS Living staff had for our former selves here.

Young Women Lesson 14: Patriarchal Leadership in the Home

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 00:00:00 -0600

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "The family proclamation gives this beautiful explanation of the relationship between a husband and a wife: While they have separate responsibilities, 'in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.'" -Dallin H. Oaks

Discussion Questions

• How can the priesthood bless our lives now, regardless of our individual circumstances?

• What spiritual qualities should we seek in a husband? How can these qualities help him lead a family in righteousness?

• Consider your relationship with your Father in Heaven. How has He shown you His great care and love for you as an individual?

Excerpt from "Priesthood Authority in the Family and the Church" by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, October 2005 General Conference:

My father died when I was seven. I was the oldest of three small children our widowed mother struggled to raise. When I was ordained a deacon, she said how pleased she was to have a priesthood holder in the home. But Mother continued to direct the family, including calling on which one of us would pray when we knelt together each morning. I was puzzled. I had been taught that the priesthood presided in the family. There must be something I didn’t know about how that principle worked.

About this same time, we had a neighbor who dominated and sometimes abused his wife. He roared like a lion, and she cowered like a lamb. When they walked to church, she always walked a few steps behind him. That made my mother mad. She was a strong woman who would not accept such domination, and she was angry to see another woman abused in that way. I think of her reaction whenever I see men misusing their authority to gratify their pride or exercise control or compulsion upon their wives in any degree of unrighteousness (see D&C 121:37).

I have also seen some faithful women who misunderstand how priesthood authority functions. Mindful of their partnership relationship with their husband in the family, some wives have sought to extend that relationship to their husband’s priesthood calling, such as bishop or mission president. In contrast, some single women who have been abused by men (such as in a divorce) mistakenly confuse the priesthood with male abuse and become suspicious of any priesthood authority. A person who has had a bad experience with a particular electrical appliance should not forego using the power of electricity.

Each of the circumstances I have described results from misunderstanding priesthood authority and the great principle that while this authority presides in both the family and the Church, the priesthood functions in a different way in each of them. This principle is understood and applied by the great Church and family leaders I have known, but it is rarely explained. Even the scriptures, which record various exercises of priesthood authority, seldom state expressly which principles only apply to the exercise of priesthood authority in the family or in the Church or which apply in both of them.

To read the full talk, click here.

He's Amazing and Still Single . . . and What She Can Do about It

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Almost everyone knows an amazing woman who has so much to offer, yet the good man she is dating can’t seem to commit. Despite all the right signs, they not only don't get married, they break up. But a woman can do many things to help avoid this.

Last month’s article, "He’s Amazing and Still Single! Why?", described a group of highly eligible, attractive, and socially skilled men who, in spite of the fact that they date great women, remain single year after year.

The women who date these men also have common traits. They are often educated, attractive, confident, and socially skilled women. They are patient, kind, good listeners, and willing to do their part in relationships. They don’t react dramatically or inappropriately. They’re not excessively nagging. They are quick to read books on relationships and apply what they learn. And they don’t have many undesirable issues in their past.

Thus, these men often describe the woman they’re dating as “perfect.” Unfortunately, they often follow this up with, “But I just don’t feel an emotional connection."

What is going wrong? Is it her, him, or both of them together? How do these amazing women help these men to feel an emotional connection? If these men can’t commit to such wonderful women, then what hope is there that these men will ever marry, and what will become of these great women who, despite their best efforts, remain single year after year, too?

He needs to be the hunter, not the hunted.

One of the first things I teach women in this situation is that it works best for both of them if he is the pursuer of the relationship. This means he needs to initiate phone calls (and texts) three to four times more often than she does. He needs to ask to see her (which allows him to miss her and seek her out) rather than her dropping by his work, popping in to see him, or asking when they’re getting together. He needs to ask her to be exclusive rather than her immediately seeing only him and assuming that he feels the same.

To encourage and keep him in the pursuit role, I recommend that women use their warmth, femininity, appreciation, kinds words, and touch as positive reinforcements of the things he does, rather than giving gifts, making meals, or offering to pay for dates. Once she has done her part, she needs to sit back, relax, and trust that he sees what she has to offer and that he will pursue her and invest in the relationship.

He needs to sacrifice to feel love and have fun to feel connected.

The more deeply he sacrifices the more deeply he loves and making physical sacrifices (like phone calls, picking her up for and paying for dates, doing things for her, and meeting her needs) are things these men are willing to do. All he wants in return is to enjoy her company and have fun. As a matter of fact, he needs to just relax and have fun for at least the first two to four months if he is to develop a strong emotional attachment.

Once he begins to worry about: 1) what she is feeling or thinking, 2) if she is too into him or too anxious for commitment, or 3) if she is hurt and disappointed by his slow (but consistent and persistent) efforts to pursue her, then he will feel anxious and even trapped.

It’s not that he wants out of the relationship. It’s that pressure for commitment causes him to analyze very closely what he’s feeling (or not feeling) and anxiety impedes his ability to have spontaneous positive emotions. When he is having fun these complicating emotions are kept to a minimum.

They need to fight the pressure together.

Pressure and anxiety are inevitable in all relationships, but a woman can talk with him about the situations that cause him to feel pressure (i.e., meeting the family, going to work parties, holding hands at church) and express a willingness to come up with solutions together to fight the pressure—because she isn’t the problem and he isn't the problem—the pressure is the problem.

She doesn’t need to take the pressure away. She just needs to show him that together they can reduce the pressure, which will also deepen their emotional attachment to each other, versus him trying to reduce the pressure on his own by withdrawing from her and the relationship.

They need to resolve her feelings and needs together, too.

If a woman does not express her feelings and needs to him with positive solutions that will resolve the situation, she will begin to feel stressed, alone, and impatient with the slow-moving reality of their relationship. (Consequently, she will be more likely to push for commitment or break up.)

All men are repelled by criticism and nagging, but a man does value and appreciate when a women expresses her feelings and needs while also communicating her faith in his goodness. He wants to help, he just doesn’t know what to do unless she tells him and explains how much it means to her. To do this, she can simply state that just as they’re fighting the pressure together, she needs the two of them to work together to make her feel more secure in the relationship. She can then give examples of what he could do that would help resolve her fears.

The more the two of them work on these combined issues, the more deeply they will feel bonded. This is a more useful conversation and goal for them to work on together than her talking about when they are going to get married and what’s wrong with him or her that he feels like withdrawing every time the conversation comes up.

With a secure attachment in place and a pattern of resolving problems together, it will be easier for both of them to feel more secure and connected, and as such more inclined to more forward with marriage.

To learn about the additional complicating factors that contribute to this pattern, and to listen to a one-hour audio in which I discuss this pattern (and what singles can do to break it) with three men and four women who struggle with it, visit itsyourtechnique.com. There you can also get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

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Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the “It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique” dating system.

He's Amazing and Still Single - WHY?

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 00:06:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We probably all know one or two men who are attractive and desirable; yet, for some reason they struggle with the decision to marry and remain single into their 30's or 40's. Truth is, there is a combination of factors that cause this delay - and all of them can be overcome.

Every ward has one or two single men who are simply amazing, and yet, year after year, they remain single.

These are men who have fulfilled honorable missions. They have a degree or two and a good job. They attend church regularly, fulfill their callings, go to the temple regularly, and do their home teaching. They stay fit, are socially skilled, and date good women. Yet these men remain single often stating they just haven’t found the one.

Are these men too picky? Are they afraid of commitment? Are they attracted to the wrong kind of women? Do they have some unknown mental health issue or pain from their past that is getting in the way? Or are they just so comfortable with being alone that they feel no motivation to get married?

As a counselor and dating coach who has worked with many men that fit this profile, I know that they do want to get married; they would prefer not to be alone. They also care deeply about doing the right thing and following the counsel of the prophet. And they, too, are concerned about what they're doing wrong.

Most of the time they don’t know if the problem is them or just that they haven’t met that one woman who will fix everything, but they are committed to doing what it takes to fix the problem. All they know for certain is that in spite of the fact that they date great women, they just don’t feel an emotional attachment and they don’t know why. Without this strong emotional connection they can’t feel confident about moving forward with marriage.

I have discovered several common patterns that point to an explanation of what is going wrong and how to fix it.

First, these men often suffer from excessive pressure caused by a common form of anxiety.

Because these men are high functioning in most areas of their lives, they often don’t recognize that the feelings of pressure and distress they feel prior to and in-between dates is due to a form of anxiety called anticipatory anxiety.

Part of what makes these men great is that they think of others’ feelings and don’t act impulsively; however, in this case they are often so concerned about hurting others that they feel anxious about disappointing the women they date. This causes additional pressure that makes them anticipate what their date may be thinking, feeling, or expecting. This creates even more anxiety and causes them to analyze what they are feeling (or not feeling) and take action quickly so as to not disappoint or hurt their date.

What they don’t realize is that this very concern actually inhibits their ability to have fun, relax, and feel a deeper connection. They analyze their emotions so closely that is is difficult for them to feel positive and spontaneous emotions. As time goes on, the added pressure makes it more difficult for them to believe that they will ever get out of the trap. Instead of realizing that their lack of emotional attachment is actually a result of their anxiety, they assume that something must be wrong with the girl they are dating: “If only she didn’t have _____ issue or behavior, perhaps I would feel more of a connection.” They then leave the relationship, hoping for that one woman with whom they will feel a connection.

Second, many of the women they date inadvertently add even more pressure.

Another common pattern in this problem is that the women these men date tend to become excessively available, accommodating, and committed too early in the process. These women will often call or text the men more frequently than the men call them. They will express a desire to see the men frequently and before the men have an opportunity to ask when they can get together. These women are often very understanding and supportive, which further adds pressure to the men to not hurt them. Although these qualities can be good qualities, in this circumstance, they end up actually turning the tables on the men.

These men do best when they are in the pursuit role. They need to be the hunters, not the hunted. It’s not that they want these women to play games or reject them, but they do want these women to be happily living their own lives, expressing their opinions, and pursuing other options. When that happens, these men can relax without worrying about what the women they date are feeling or expecting. When women are not anxious for commitment, these men feel less anxiety, and as a result their positive emotions come more easily. Only after investing in the women (without pressure) over a period of months (while also having a lot of fun), they feel a deeper emotional connection.

Third, when it comes to dating, these men feel spiritually disconnected from God.

These men have strong testimonies and many powerful spiritual experiences; however, when it comes to dating, mate selection, and the decision to marry, often these men feel that God is silent, which only adds to their fears and doubts.

One explanation for this silence is that most people who suffer from depression and anxiety feel spiritually disconnected from God. Without realizing the true source of the problem (their anxiety), these men often assume that the lack of answers means that the relationship is not the right one or the decision is simply theirs.

Without feeling a strong emotional attachment, these men just stalemate or break up. If only they had an undeniable answer to marry the person, then they could move forward with confidence. Of course, in most cases, God probably wants them to decide for themselves, but the different possibilities (and fear of making the wrong decision) only add to their doubt and confusion.

This anxiety and doubt can be lessened when others express faith and trust in them and in the many blessings that marriage will give them. In many ways, these men need an abundance of positive and faith-filled messages to combat their anxiety and strengthen their faith and confidence––rather than receiving criticism or lectures on why they aren’t progressing to marriage.

To learn about the additional complicating factors that contribute to this pattern, and to listen to a one-hour audio in which I discuss this pattern with three men who struggle with it, visit ItsYourTechnique.com. I also have a series of audios that walk men through the steps they can take to overcome this pattern and progress to marriage.

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To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit itsyourtechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the "It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique" dating system.

Single Men: How to Get More Attention, Affection, and Commitment Now

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell, Dating Expert
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: To ensure that 2012 is the year that you get love, attention, and affection, avoid these five common dating mistakes and apply these five secrets for success instead.

A single man may mistakenly believe:

if he says nice things to a woman, she’ll be more interested in him;

if he’s immediately available and accommodating, she’ll value, respect, and appreciate him;

if he buys her gifts and takes her on expensive dates, she’ll be more excited about him;

if he jumps in to take care of her or fix her problems, she’ll appreciate and respect him;

if he dates only her, she’ll value his immediate loyalty and commitment.

Although men who do these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. The reason why is simple: Women need to see strength and confidence in men if they are to trust and respect them.

Women need to see strength and confidence in men.

A woman may argue that she would only love and appreciate a man who did these things for her, but upon reflection she will usually admit that many of the men who have quickly acted in these ways with her have either seemed too nice (which made them easy to take for granted) or they seemed creepy, weird, insincere, or obsessive (which made it easy to reject them without question).

The problem isn’t that women want to be treated badly. Women like nice men. Women simply need to see that these nice men are also strong and confident, they have limits, and they won’t tolerate being treated badly.

To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .

Lean back so you appear cool and calm. The number one need of a woman is to feel safe and secure. If you get too close to a woman or lean in too much, you will look too intense, vulnerable, or creepy, which could trigger early rejection. By leaning back you not only look and feel more calm but you also make it easier for her to lean toward you (which could indicate that she has interest in you).

Use good posture, body language, words, and tones. When talking with a woman, be sure to keep regular eye contact. Square your shoulders and straighten your back. Keep your chin up (if you drop your chin it can look like you lack confidence or have a hidden shame). Use a confident and deeper tone of voice when expressing your opinions (fluctuating or raising your tone of voice can cause others to question the strength of your convictions). Don‘t focus on your problems or make negative comments about yourself or your life.

Look like a man who is busy and on the go. Don't linger too long––whether it is during the first contact, while on the phone, or at the end of the date. You need to show her that you can take charge of a situation and end things on your terms (which makes her value you and your time more). Don’t rush every interaction, or she will think that you won’t make time for her, but after spending some time getting to know her, simply say, “I could talk to you all night, but I really need to get back to work (or get home).” Then add, “I’d like to see you again. When would be a good time to call?” This shows her that you respect your time and hers while also having other important things in your life that you enjoy.

Save the best of you for those who invest in you. Expensive dates and gifts need to be reserved for those who demonstrate that they appreciate your efforts. You will know that they appreciate you because they will consistently return your calls in a timely manner; they will lean forward, smile at you, or touch you sometimes; or they will offer to pay for some small part of the date. Plan to invest in her but limit your sacrifices to moderate or inexpensive dates (for the first four dates). As her investment and appreciation continues, increase your sacrifices and/or add some modest gifts (this encourages and supports her investment in you).

Keep dating other women. Just as men want women other men want, women want men other women admire. If you become immediately exclusive (and before a woman is ready to do the same) you could set yourself up for the too-nice trap. Instead, keep dating others. The reality that other women appreciate you will decrease the risk that she will take you for granted. Furthermore, it will remind you that if she doesn’t value and appreciate you, someone else will.

Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit ItsYourTechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.

{Single Saints} Dating Mistakes Guys Make

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:05:00 -0600

by Jessica Carter
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We all make mistakes. And I know men aren't mind readers. But in the hopes of helping some of the men out there avoid problems, these are some dating mistakes most women find annoying. I get it—men aren’t mind readers. And what works with one woman might not work for another. Even so, there are some common dating mistakes that the majority of women find annoying or downright unnerving. So, guys, check out the following list to prevent some major dating disasters when the next great girl comes along. (For our list of mistakes women make, click here.)

1. Lack of planning

There is nothing I hate more than when a guy asks me out, shows up at the door, and says, “So, what do you want to do?” I don’t like being put on the spot. If you asked me out, you should have a plan. I understand wanting to do something your date would enjoy, so if that is your concern, ask her to choose between two restaurants or two museums or two other activities. And please, please don’t resort to dinner and a movie unless we have been out several times. How are we supposed to get to know each other if we spend hours staring at a screen in a dark theater where we are not allowed to talk?

Also, make sure you have your ducks in a row. Be on time. Make reservations. Shower. Have gas in the tank. Clean out the car. (It’s not impressive when all I can smell are your sweaty gym socks in the backseat or I’m up to my ankles in Taco Bell wrappers.) If you don’t have the basics under control, it makes me think that in general you don’t have your act together, or at the very least, you aren’t interested enough in me to put some thought into how to make the evening as pleasant as possible.

2. Monologuing

Okay, guys, I know one of your major complaints is that women don’t talk enough on dates. I’m the first to admit that I’m not exactly a chatterbox, but when you talk at me instead of to me, I don’t know how to respond—not that I even have the chance. If your date seems a little quiet, quickly evaluate the situation. Are you talking on and on about yourself without so much as a five-second pause? If you are, she probably doesn’t want to be rude and interrupt your monologue. And why would she bother when it seems like you are more interested in reliving your high school glory days than in getting to know more about her? Are you asking her any questions about herself? Be sure that you are. Hint: If you’re worried about one-word responses, ask open-ended questions like, “What are some things on your bucket list?”

3. Not listening

Speaking of speaking, if I don’t think you’re listening to me, then I’m going to clam up in a big hurry, so be sure to ask plenty of questions to expound on what I’m saying. For example, “So, you love to travel. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? Why?”

For me, the ultimate insult is when a guy texts when we are on a date. It makes me feel like he would rather be somewhere else and isn’t listening to me at all. So put away your iPhone and pay attention to the person who is right in front of you.

4. Talking about the ex

Some men think that by talking about their past relationships, they are proving that they are desirable. Others just want to unload all their baggage on the first sympathetic woman who will listen. Whatever the motivation, resist the urge to talk about your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. If that is what you want to talk about, it’s a huge red flag that you have some unresolved issues and aren’t ready to move on. If you do happen to mention her, or if your date asks a question about your ex, make it brief and be very careful how you talk about her. Who knows? I might be your ex-girlfriend someday, so if you talk trash about her, it’s an indication of how you could talk about me in the future.

5. Trying to buy our affections

Fancy restaurants. Jewelry. Huge bouquets of flowers. You might think you’re impressing us when you constantly pull out all the stops, but what you’re really doing is sending a strong message that you’re insecure about who you are. In fact, in my opinion, this kind of behavior borders on manipulation—like you’re trying to trick me into liking you.

I’m not saying you should be cheap, but don’t go over the top. Save the fancy stuff for special occasions. Otherwise, I feel like you think I’m shallow. Believe me, I care a lot more about what is in a man’s heart than what is in his wallet.

Oh, and for the record, if I’m not interested in you, no amount of grand gestures will change my mind. I know you’ve seen it work a million times in romantic comedies, but it doesn’t work in real life. I can’t help it if I don’t feel chemistry with you. So save your money and stop trying to convince me that we should be together.

6. Being Too Needy

Women like men who have a positive attitude. So don’t dump all your problems on me every time we talk. I want to be supportive and be there when you are going through a rough time, but you need to be strong for me, too. It’s draining to be around someone who only dwells on the negative or always needs something from me. Share your feelings, but make sure you are offering strength and encouragement as well.

7. Being Too Possessive

Don’t get jealous if I speak to another person of the opposite sex. Don’t call me five times when I’m out with my girlfriends. And don’t make me account for every second of the day. In other words, don’t smother me. I want a man who trusts me and treats me with respect. And I want a man who is confident in who he is and what he has to offer. If I’m going out with you, then I obviously like you. So don’t blow it by acting jealous, overprotective, and possessive. Unless you’re a beautiful, sparkly vampire (and even then, I find it creepy), you’ll never get away with it, so don’t even try.

There you have it, boys—your guide to avoiding some major dating pitfalls. So take note and bring your A-game. Both you and your date will be glad you did.

Your turn: Ladies, is this list complete? What are some other dating mistakes men make?
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Jessica Carter is a recently divorced mother of two. In her late thirties, she is learning to navigate the mysterious world of LDS mid-singles.

Men are hardwired to take care of their kids, study says

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:44:00 -0600

source: scientificamerican.com

Mormon Life says: I thought this study was really interesting - something people in a family culture would definitely find intriguing. Men may not go on a hormonal rollercoaster with their pregnant partners, but once the baby shows up, their bodies biologically transition into "daddy mode," suggests a new study finding that levels of testosterone, the "macho" sex hormone, drop in new fathers.

"Men are, to a certain degree, hardwired to take care of their kids," study researcher Lee Gettler, of Northwestern University in Chicago, Illinois, told LiveScience. "This is important because traditional models of human evolution have portrayed women as the gatherers that take care of the kids and stay behind."

The hormone drop makes sense, the researchers say, since high testosterone tends to boost behaviors linked to competing for a mate, risky activities that may conflict with the responsibilities of fatherhood.

Ins and Outs of Body Language

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Body language is a fact of life — you use it every day, even if you aren’t aware of what your language is telling others. We'll introduce you to some of the basics of body language, give you tips on how to act in social and home settings, and dispel some of the body language myths that might have you reading others the wrong way.

Body Essentials Eyes. When talking to a person in a formal setting, your eyes should be focused on the upper triangle - the base made by the eyes and the point in the middle of the forehead. Keep in mind that if someone is blinking more often than usual (six to eight blinks per minute), they might unconsciously be trying to block you or your words.

Hands. When using your hands to gesture in conversation, having your palms open and facing up is associated with truth and honesty. It is non-threatening and comes across much better than a palm down sign. As far as handshakes go, it is best to match the other person's grip.

Legs. You might have noticed your leg jigging during a particularly boring meeting. Leg jigging is considered to be the brain attempting to escape from whatever is being experienced. In addition to that, the direction in which the feet are pointing shows where you want to go. Oftentimes, you will turn your body toward someone, but if you don't really want to be with them, your feet will face the door. Depending on the situation, you can use either to your advantage.

Personal space. There are three zones that we should be aware of when we are interacting with people. The intimate zone, which ranges from 6 to 18 inches, is reserved especially for those who are emotionally close to us. The personal zone, 18 to 24 inches, is the space we need at parties and social activities. The social zone, 4 to 12 feet, is how far we naturally stand from strangers and people we don't know very well.

If you move into someone's zone where you aren't welcome, you are bound to make them feel uncomfortable. Coming into someone's intimate zone too quickly can create a bad first impression.

In the Home Knowing body language can help you communicate with your kids. If you want your kids to take out the garbage, ask with your palms facing up - people are far more likely to agree when making this hand gesture. If they continue to disobey, taking a dominant body stance (feet apart, arms folded, making yourself look as big as possible) might change their minds.

Smiling. One communication flaw parents, especially mothers, often do is smiling while disciplining. You might think that this will keep the correction from hurting your children's feelings, but if you smile at your children when chastising them for forgetting to feed the dog, they aren't going to take you seriously. MRI scans have shown that when a person is being smiled at, the brain lights up just as it would if they were receiving a reward.

Detecting a lie. The first step in checking for a lie is seeing something outside the norm. If your child usually talks with his hands in his pockets, and suddenly starts gesturing dramatically, that's a sign that you should be paying attention. People who are lying often show at least some body language alerts, like sweating, sudden movements, minor twitches of muscles, and changes in voice. If you are concerned that your child might be lying to you, confront him or her about it.

Spousal "discussions." Communicating with your spouse through body language can give you an advantage as well. If you are disagreeing about something, don't stand or sit directly in front of your spouse. Position yourself next to him or her at a diagonal angle, since being straight across from someone can seem confrontational. Tilt your head to show you are listening to the other side of the story. When it is your turn to talk, don't be stiff. Use gestures to convey your thoughts - gestures help people think more clearly and cause both parties to understand the words better.

The Social World You might feel a bit uncertain about what to do in a new ward, at a church party, or even just at a friendly gathering:

To appear approachable, women should keep their feet about 6 inches apart, and men should keep theirs about 6 to 10 inches apart. This stance makes you look inviting - legs too close together look timid, and legs too wide apart look intimidating.

If you are coming to an event to make friends, you don't want to sit at a table with your spouse or another couple. That is saying, "This table is our space. Stay out." Instead, lean against the wall, stand by a window or an indoor plant, and make an inviting semi-circle.

Keep in mind that in a social setting, there is always someone who needs to be rescued, whether you are at a party or in Sunday School. When you see someone whose eyes are darting and they look small and uncomfortable, you might want to do them a favor and politely invite them to your conversation.

Body Language Myths

Eye contact. Most people believe that a liar can't look you in the eye. This is untrue. In fact, pathological liars make eye contact better than normal people.
Hand signals. Often, people will put their hands behind their backs to show that they are powerful. Surveys show that people actually find this untrustworthy and suspicious, not powerful.
One signal means everything. Body language can be deceiving. For example, you could be talking with someone and she could wrinkle her forehead, which makes it seem like she is upset with you over something you've said. On the contrary, she might have just remembered that she left the garage door up or the front door unlocked - situations that have nothing to do with you. This is why you need to look for clusters - groups of body language signals that indicate a feeling.
The 7/38/55 rule. Many people have said that 55 percent of communication is body language, 33 percent is tone of voice, and only 7 percent relates to the actual words. If this were completely true, we should be able to understand what people are saying even when speaking in a different language, since 93 percent is based on body language and voice tones. These figures only correlate to a situation in which you are forming an attitude about someone. Body language and tone of voice are what we use to assess whether or not we like the person delivering the message.

Are You Listening?

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kedrik Hamblin
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Where were you when those famously tragic words brought your attention crashing back? Maybe you were on a date, chatting on the phone, sitting in an important business meeting, or perhaps staring straight into the eyes of the one you love when you were asked, “Weren’t you listening?” Well, weren’t you? Listening is a vital part of all relationships; it is the bridge of true understanding between people. In reverse, when it is absent, misunderstanding prevails and people don't relate to one another.

"The need to be paid attention to and appreciated is one of the deepest needs in human nature, and unfortunately for many people, much of the time, that need is frustrated," says Dr. Michael P. Nichols, a professor of psychology at the College of William and Mary.

Studies show that great listeners have better relationships and are perceived as more helpful. Employees mention good listening skills among the top qualities of a boss. Perhaps most importantly, when you listen, people are more willing to listen to you.

This oft-overlooked skill is crucial to our lives, but consider this: you were taught how to read, write, even to speak, but did anyone ever teach you how to listen?

Nichols, who has authored several books on listening, says most people aren't taught how to listen. "It's thought to be something that happens automatically and it's thought to be something that's easy," he says. Most listening that is taught is active listening, in which a person learns to repeat the information heard. While that may be useful in education settings, simply remembering what someone said isn't the factor of listening that helps a person relate to others.

What It Really Involves "What distinguishes good listening is a sincere intention to try to understand what the other person wants to say," says Nichols. "You don't achieve that with any kind of little formula. You don't achieve that by parroting back exactly what was said."

One of the key words for listening is empathy. Empathy means to understand and be sensitive to another. A person who is empathetic isn't passive, but they are truly trying to gain meaning from the other person. If a listener is not empathetic, not interested in the speaker, he or she will not be able to focus as well. They may be hearing, but they aren't listening.

As listeners, we have to maintain an open and curious mind. Listening fails when we aren't open to what a person is saying. Close-minded people often protest anything against their views, thus eliminating further listening.

You don't need to remember everything a person is saying. Sometimes you need to listen to the essence of what a person is saying, the main idea. This is especially important if the person is talking about emotions. What is the emotion and what does it stem from?

Barriers to Listening Most of us aren't aware of our habits and patterns that prohibit true listening. Becoming aware of these habits can better help us improve our listening.

The first major barrier to listening is that "most of us are waiting for our turn and we don't wait very long," Nichols says. We tend to be self-centered and can't wait to add our own comments to the conversation.

This may happen partly because we believe those speaking have more power than those listening. This may be true part of the time, but an individual that speaks only will never understand others. John Marshall, a prominent political figure in early American history, once said, "To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well."

The second major barrier is reacting emotionally to what the speaker is saying. When listening, things can be said that ignite ideas, feelings, and opinions in us. This can happen in many ways.

For instance, when a loved one telling us about pain they are experiencing, it is difficult for us to simply let them talk. Most people want to give advice or do something to ease the pain. But many times, the person just wants someone to listen.

In other instances, people say things we don't agree with and we interrupt with our opinions, which we often give strongly - and the arguing starts. Controlling our emotions will help us focus on the speaker and avoid quarreling, and maybe even come to a new - and better - idea.

In essence, to become better listeners, we have to forget ourselves.

People Who Have a Hard Time Listening Some may have had experiences that led them to not listen as well. Also, occupying certain roles at work, in the home, or elsewhere, may place stress on a person to accomplish an intended goal and not necessarily focus on others. Families are the classic example. Although children are frequently portrayed as the culprits of poor listening, parents are often just as guilty.

"Parents want to make their kids' lives work out for them, want them to be happy and successful, want them to do what they're told," Nichols says. "So, all of that makes it hard for parents to let go of the reins of the relationship, because listening involves quite a bit of surrender. It's very difficult. A good listener has to say, 'Okay, you drive. I'll just sit here.' Parents have trouble doing that with kids."

Husbands and wives also have a hard time listening to each other, in part, for some of the same reasons. Listening will work best when one spouse sacrifices his or her control. "In a relationship where one party is a good listener, the other person begins to feel appreciated and understood, begins to open up more, and is then more likely to be in a position to be willing and likely to listen to the other person."

When to Listen You may be able to listen anytime, but everyone is a better listener when they're wide awake, not hungry, and not in a hurry. For meetings and other important conversations, suggest a time and a location that will allow you to concentrate on those to whom you are listening.

As a listener, you may run into difficulties. If a person finds someone willing to listen to them, they may rely too much on that person. You can always listen for a few minutes and then politely acknowledge the need to return to what you were doing before.

Even though true listening is important, Nichols suggests that it be used judiciously. "Listening takes work, and you should save it for relationships that count."

Listening is a skill, but it isn't rocket science. Anyone can learn to be a good listener.

The next time you find yourself in a position to listen, remember, you have one mouth, but you have two ears. Sit back, forget yourself, and engage with the other person. Then, instead of being questioned on your listening abilities, you might get something like, "Thank you for listening."

10 Phrases that Prevent Arguments

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Claire Thornock Brazelton
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How many times have you tried to offer someone advice, asked for help, or simply began a friendly conversation, only to have the interaction turn into an argument neither of you anticipated? Here are ten phrases to help keep everyone comfortable. Many contentions between family, friends, and coworkers occur because of a little-understood aspect of social IQ: using language that prevents conflicts. By watching what you say and approaching a conversation at a different angle, you have the power to keep the peace between yourself and those you interact with every day.

Elizabeth Fawcett, a family therapist and a professor of marriage enhancement at Brigham Young University, says that lack of positive or nice communication is one of the reasons contentions arise in marriage and in general. "I have talked to many married couples who feel that their spouse's heart is really in the right place when they talk, but they are saying things to them in a way that is hurtful," she says.

Speaking in an offensive way, Fawcett believes, is a key trigger that brings contention into a conversation, which causes listening on either side to decrease and communication to come to a halt. "If you speak in an offensive way, it makes the other person defensive. . . . They perceive that they are under attack and then proceed to shut down," she says. "When we find ourselves in that mode, we are not capable of hearing what is being said."

Fawcett believes that good communication is a reflection of the receiver. "It's not what we say that makes good communication, it's what we are hearing from the things that are said to us, and if we can't understand what is being said, that is when the problem occurs."

To help conversations avoid the evolution to argument, Fawcett suggests using these phrases the next time you are the sender or receiver in a discussion. You might be surprised how these phrases keep the peace and harmony between you and your spouse, friends, or colleagues.

1. "This is what I am hearing you say; is it what you are trying to tell me?" When you feel that you don't fully understand what is being said, repeat back in your words what you think the other person is saying. Stating things the way you are hearing them allows the speaker to rethink what he or she is saying and put it in different words that make it easier for you to understand.

2. "I have an opinion about this; are you interested in hearing it?" When listening to a spouse's or friend's problems, you may want to give your opinion on the situation. Always ask first if it is wanted. Half the time, people just want to vent, and if you interrupt and try to fix something, it may cause contention. By asking, it shows that you are really trying to help the situation. This phrase works especially well with children and teenagers.

3. "Let's just put that book on the shelf for now." Subjects discussed over and over again between spouses or colleagues can often cause tempers to flare. Setting the subject aside for a time allows nerves to calm and the conversation to stay positive. This phrase can be helpful for keeping the peace until a time when both sides can come back to the conversation ready to speak calmly about it.

4. "I need some help. Would you be willing to help me?" Some arguments start because family members or coworkers don't carry their share of responsibility. Instead of accusing the person of being lazy and rude, be assertive and ask for help - and be specific. "I need your help. If you wash the dishes, I will load them in the dishwasher." Say it in a friendly way, and don't be overly demanding.

5. "I am not trying to bring up any problems from the past, but . . . " It's hard to keep the peace between you and a spouse if you are constantly bringing up faults from the past. Don't bring them up unless you absolutely have to. Reassure your spouse, if you must talk about it, that you are not trying to rehash past injuries, but that this topic is important to you, and you feel you should discuss it.

6. "I need to talk. When is a good time for you?" Whenever you want the full attention of someone while you're speaking, scheduling a time to talk is often the best option. Between spouses, it's best to choose a time other than when your husband is watching the big game or your wife is on the phone with a friend. Finding time that fits both of your schedules allows for a more meaningful conversation and the avoidance of an argument. Your boss or coworkers will also appreciate this phrase.

7. "I am sorry you are upset." Oftentimes if friends or family don't take the advice you gave them, they still come back to complain about their situation. Instead of saying "I told you so," try to understand why your advice wasn't taken and really listen to the problem. By making a rude remark and rubbing in that your advice was best, you may start an argument, or worse, lose the trust of that person.

8. "I think you already know my opinion about this, but I can listen." If a friend always finds herself in the same problem and you have already given her your opinion multiple times, set a clear boundary. Tell her that you are willing to listen to the problem, but that she already knows your opinion; tell her if she hasn't liked your opinion so far, you might not be the right person to get advice from on this issue.

9. "Well, I have a different opinion about this subject, but thanks for yours." Most contention occurs because two people disagree. The goal in this situation is to be polite and end the conversation. Find a balance between the "me and you" factor in the conversation, and admit to having a different opinion but thank someone for theirs.

10. "I agree to disagree, and let's leave it at that." If you know that you are never going to see eye to eye with someone about a specific topic during a conversation, just agree to disagree and let the conversation end. It's not worth the time or energy to contend with someone about something when you know neither of you is going to change your mind about it.

Communication is perhaps the most vital element in any relationship. "The most important thing [in avoiding] arguments in communication is to slow down the process, try to hear what someone is saying, and express how we truly feel," Fawcett says. Making the effort to improve communication and prevent contention can allow us to see the other person more clearly and respect their opinions and individuality.

A Tribute to Dad

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Various Contributors
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: His strong arms are always there to open jars of tomato sauce, toss us into the air for a big splash in the pool, move our boxes as we go to college, and gently hold us when we make a mistake. The most fitting tribute would stretch well beyond the limits of this magazine, but we at LDS Living hope you enjoy the stories of how many people’s lives have been better because of one man: Dad. The Right Priorities Being a father is an enormous responsibility. And when you marry someone, you don't really know what kind of a father he will be. Bronco has become a wonderful father. I don't think either one of us knew what we were doing when we had our first son. But now I can honestly say that he has surpassed my expectations.

Lots of men come home from work but don't really spend quality time with their children. Just being home doesn't make you a good father. Bronco is really available when he is home. Our life might be a bit different from the average family, but we strive to have quality time, because we don't often have quantity. When Bronco is home he is truly there, and our boys know it. Every night, they run to the door to see him.

When Bronco comes home, we all sit in our family room and read, visit, or just reconnect. He will often help the boys with school projects, reading, or just relaxing. I love this because I'm dead tired by the time he gets home and ready for someone else to take over.

He knows the needs of each of our boys and strives to find individual time with them. Our three boys are very different, and Bronco takes the time to appreciate those differences and make each child feel special. Whether it is throwing a ball five thousand times, going to a bookstore, or taking one fly fishing, he takes time to develop his relationship with each child.

One thing I love about Bronco is that he is teaching our boys to respect women. In the way he talks to me and treats me, he is being a wonderful example to them. He constantly tells them all that I do for them and reminds them to thank me. Through his actions, they are learning what is important and equal in a relationship.

We try as a family to be creative in spending time together. Since he travels, we have to be creative in order to stay connected. Bronco loves to iChat with the boys when he is on the road. The boys can show him their work and ask him questions about things. We can also have family prayer, which helps us all feel connected. He loves to be tuned in to what is going on in their world. He loves to hear how their day went and ask all sorts of questions about what they learned or how they handled a certain situation.

Bronco truly enjoys being with our boys. He'll ask me to bring them to practice, we'll take them with us to away games, and we always travel with them.

Bronco is definitely the patriarch of our family, and our boys know it. They treat him with total respect, love, and admiration. They adore him. He is an amazing example for them in all aspects of his life. Parenthood is a partnership, and I’m very lucky to be with someone who realizes this and has his priorities in the right order.

-Holly Mendenhall (Wife of Bronco Mendenhall, head football coach at Brigham Young University)

Secure in His Love My dad is the most Christlike person I know. He has always put the needs, wants, and welfare of my mother and me, his only daughter, ahead of his own.

Growing up during the Great Depression taught my dad frugality in the strictest sense of the word. He learned early to work hard and to help support the family. He often worked at jobs he didn't care for out of responsibility to his family. He put himself through college. He is an example to me of education and has helped me have a lifelong love of learning. I have also learned that having many material things is not the most important aspect of this life.

When I was twelve, my mom, who was raised in the Church but was not active at the time, asked me if I would like to take the missionary discussions. My parents both supported me the whole way as I made the decision to be baptized. My dad has not yet joined the Church, but he is an example of Christ and His teachings like no other I have seen.

My dad is quiet, reserved, and soft-spoken. He does not nag or give unsolicited advice. He is kind and gentle.

I have always felt secure in my father's love. I have never felt that I have disappointed him. He is my example of unconditional love. I feel this has helped me feel love and trust in our Heavenly Father.

-Vicki Kendall Knopf Monterey, California

A Life of Sacrifice My dad, Daniel Zimpel, is a pretty amazing guy. He has dedicated his life to taking care of my sister, my mom, and me. We all have muscular dystrophy. Mom gets around okay on her own, but for my sister and especially me, it is a far different story.

Dad has always been devoted. As I grew and my condition worsened, and my sister's worsened, and my mom's condition worsened, he was put in higher demand. But he has always been there for me. Nowadays, things are pretty complicated.

Every day Dad gets me up for college, takes me to the bathroom, settles me in my electric wheelchair, and starts my breathing treatments; then he does the same thing for my sister. Dad has to start my tube feeds that run in a special pump. He brushes my teeth and does my trachea care. He is constantly on the move from one person to the other.

Dad also takes me to college. He takes all my notes for me since I can no longer write. But even when we return home, Dad's work is far from over. He needs to scan any assignments or textbook chapters onto the computer so I can do my homework.

At 5 p.m. he needs to make sure that my I.V. food is out of the refrigerator. Then he may get a chance to sit down for a few minutes. During this "break," Dad is giving medications, treatments, and suctioning as needed. Then it is time for the bedtime routine. I start my four evening treatments; my sister starts her treatments. Dad has to do final preparations for my I.V. food, then teeth and trachea care again.

After family scriptures and prayer, Dad spends the next couple hours putting my sister and me to bed. We both require extensive propping and positioning since we cannot move at all in bed. By the time this is all completed, it is between 11:30 P.M. and 1 A.M. Dad survives on four to six hours sleep - usually the former.

I know that none of these things were part of my dad's plans or expectations for his life. But the point is that he gave up his wants and devoted himself to me. Always pushing beyond his limits; always serving. He never has a day off, and there is no retirement in sight. My dad is Super Dad.

-Christamae Zimpel

Enduring Well I honor my dad for all of the public reasons people honor him: as a teacher, speaker, writer, and Church leader; for his testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and of the Savior. But I honor him even more for private reasons.

My dad died a few weeks before Father's Day last year. During the year before he died, he suffered from bone cancer. About a week before he died, he was having a bad reaction to some medicine and was agitated and struggled through the night. At one point during that ordeal, a difficult night for me and perhaps one of the very worst - if not the very worst night - of his 82-year life, as he lay there in a body full of cancer, with his eyes closed, he said in what was to me a sacred prayer - and in typical Truman Madsen inflection and cadence:

Thank you- For every moment, Every minute. We love you. We do. You've done glorious things to me; You know you have. Thank you! Thank you!

Following my Dad's example, I'd like to give thanks for his life, and his faith facing death.

As Elder Neal A. Maxwell has written:

For the world, enduring may be enough. But enduring well with grace under pressure is required of us. We all feel the world. There is no safe sanctuary into which an individual can retreat except the sanctuary of the committed life, consciously chosen, in which an individual reaches a supposed breaking point but does not break!

My dad reached that breaking point, and did not break - he endured well with grace under pressure, and with good humor to the very end.

A couple weeks before he died, alone in his hospital room with my mom, he suddenly broke the silence, "I just can't do it!" Mom thought this might be the dramatic moment and took his hand. He said, "I just can't get my left foot back in the bed!"

A week before he died, as we got him ready for bed, we turned him to adjust the covers. As I held him, I said, "I'm sorry, Dad. We're going as fast as we can." He said, "I know. So am I."

My dad taught me through his discipleship during the last year of his life that we can't go around. We have to go through - to the very end. And, on that last long night together a week before he died, as he endured a night-long ordeal, with his simple prayer of gratitude, he showed me that, with the Savior's help, we can get through what we have to get through - and we don't have to go alone.

For that and the light shafts of his testimony that shone all the way to the bottom of our hearts, for enduring so well with grace and good humor to the very end, for all these things and more, we in his family say: thanks, Dad.

-Barnard N. Madsen (Son of religion scholar Truman G. Madsen)

What a Father Should Be Spending my childhood without a father image, I wondered what a father should really be like.

My husband and I had been married for nearly ten years when we received the call that we were going to adopt a sweet little girl through LDS Family Services. This would be the first time I would witness the actions of a loving father toward his precious little girl.

We had just traveled for nearly ten hours, and when we entered the church building, the birthmother decided that she would be the one to place her child with us. She leaned over to me and put in my arms this precious little angel girl. Immediately my husband placed in her hands a dozen red roses, so that she would not feel that her hands were empty but filled with the love that we shared for her and the unselfish act of wanting the best for this child. I learned that day that the little girl I held had the best father any little girl could possibly wish for. I knew what it must have felt like when Heavenly Father held me in His hands as his daughter and made everything feel perfect for me.

I would say that my husband has spent the last thirteen years of his daughter's life happier than he has ever been. My husband is everything I knew that a father should be, and all that Heavenly Father intended him to become.

-Esmeralda Carter

Adapted from "A Tribute to Dad," LDS Living, May/June 2010. Read more great tributes to dads inside LDS Living.

FHE: Fathers

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Shauna Gibby
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "Fathers, you are the primary model of manhood for your sons. You are their most meaningful mentor, and believe it or not, you are their hero in countless ways." - M. Russell Ballard Conference Talk: For more information on this topic read "Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship," by M. Russell Ballard, Ensign, Nov 2009, 47-50.

Thought: Fathers, you are the primary model of manhood for your sons. You are their most meaningful mentor, and believe it or not, you are their hero in countless ways.

(M. Russell Ballard, "Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship," Ensign, Nov 2009, 47-50.)

Song: "Father," Children's Songbook, p. 209.

Scripture: I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father. (1 Nephi 1:1)

Lesson: Ask your family members to list something they have learned from their father. Also ask them to tell of one additional thing they would love their father to teach them.

Ask your family to read D&C 68:25-28 and find what the Lord expects parents to teach. Why do you think the Lord expects that of parents? Read Mosiah 1:1-8 and ask:

What were the names of Benjamin's sons?
What are several of the things he taught them?
What verse best shows him sharing his testimony with his children?
Why would it be important to hear the testimony of your parents?
What do these verses teach you about King Benjamin as a father?

Read the following statement from the First Presidency and share your testimony with your family: "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. . . . Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, [and] to observe the commandments of God." ("The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, November 1995, p. 102.)

(Dennis H. Leavitt and Richard O. Christensen, Scripture Study for Latter-day Saint Families: The Book of Mormon, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2003], p. 113.)

Story: Harmon Killebrew

I seldom think of my father without also remembering his bay window. We call it dad's bay window because he seemed always to be putting a new window pane in it. The window was a large one on the south side of our house in Payette, Idaho, and it overlooked a good-sized lawn which was just right for an athletic field for small boys.

I was the first to break dad's window, when I was four years old, in 1921. And from then on it really took a beating. All types of balls went through that window in the next thirty-five years, footballs, baseballs, snowballs, golf balls, and numerous rocks of assorted sizes.

Each time the window was broken, dad quietly went to town and got another pane and put it in. He never once told us kids that we couldn't play ball in the yard. Lots of times when there was a game in progress and dad came home from work, he joined in, and several times he broke the window himself by batting a baseball or kicking a football through it.

Dad always took the breaking of the window as a matter of course and showed no reaction except to replace it. But with mother, it was different. She always urged dad to do something about the situation each time the window was broken, but she never got very far. One winter, things concerning the constant breakage of the window reached a crucial point. The temperature was near the zero mark when a frozen snowball blasted through the window. Dad went to town to get a new pane, but it turned out that a piece of glass that size wasn't to be found in town. I guess dad had used them all up in previous mishaps. Anyway, one had to be ordered, and in the meantime a canvas was tacked over the empty window to keep out the cold. Mother had what is known in polite terms as a fit. It took dad several days to get her calmed down, but things were all right again as soon as the new window arrived and was installed.

I recall one time when Harmon crashed a baseball through the window and mother told dad that he just had to do something to stop the needless window breakage. Dad said, "Now Katie, don't get excited, we can always get another window, but where are we going to get another boy like that?"

At one time, things got so bad with brothers Harmon and Bob growing up that the bay window was just about out as much as it was in. So dad finally worked out a new plan. He had the large window replaced with a French type window made up of a lot of small panes. Then he purchased some extra small panes for the new window and sat back to wait. It wasn't long before a ball came sailing through the window right into the lap of grandfather, who was sitting in a chair by the window. But this time it was only a few minutes' work and a lot less expensive to replace a small square of glass in the window.

Dad is gone now, and all the Killebrew kids are grown. Our widowed sister, Eula, is living with mother in the old house. She has two small boys who are just beginning to throw balls around. I predict that the destruction of dad's old bay window will continue for several years to come. I'm sure that dad would be happy if he knew that his grandchildren were carrying on the Killebrew tradition of window breaking.

(Leon R. Hartshorn, Powerful Stories from the Lives of Latter-day Saint Men, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1974].)

Activity: Fill in the blanks. Below are clues to ten words that can be made from the letters in the word "GENEALOGY." Use each letter only once per puzzle.

1. _ _ _ (Not an arm.) 2. _ _ _ _ _ (Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith as an . . . ) 3. _ _ _ _ _ (A templed city in Utah.) 4. _ _ _ _ (A Christmas greeting.) 5. _ _ _ (Did it or the chicken come first?) 6. _ _ _ (Last name of a modern prophet.) 7. _ _ _ (The shepherd leaves the ninety and nine to seek the . . . ) 8. _ _ _ _ (Not short.) 9. _ _ _ _ _ (The symbol for the United States.) 10. _ _ (Not yes.)

Answers: 1. leg, 2. angel, 3. Logan, 4. Noel, 5. egg, 6. Lee, 7. one, 8. long, 9. eagle, 10. no.

(Rick Walton and Shauna Kawasaki, The Bit Book of Scripture Activities, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1996], p. 113.)

Refreshment Cherry Almond Squares

1 cup sour cream
1/4 cup water
3 eggs
1 box sour cream cake mix
1 can cherry pie filling
1/4 cup sliced almonds
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
2 tablespoons milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 15 1/2 x 10 1/2-inch jelly roll pan. Mix sour cream, water, and eggs in a large bowl. Stir in dry cake mix until moistened. Batter will be slightly lumpy. Spread into prepared pan. Drop pie filling by generous spoonfuls onto batter. Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until cake springs back when touched lightly. Cool. In a small bowl, combine powdered sugar and milk, stirring until a smooth glaze forms. Drizzle glaze over top. Sprinkle with almonds. Cut into bars.

Makes 3 dozen bars.

(Lion House Bakery, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2009], p. 86.)

Click here to download the PDF version of this lesson.