Mormon Life - Marriage tag

LDS Church responds to Prop 8 ruling

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:43:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Mormon Life says: What a sad day for both the sanctity of marriage and our country's judicial system. Shortly after the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals issued its ruling that California's Proposition 8 banning same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a response.

"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regrets today's decision," said LDS Church spokesman Michael Purdy. "California voters have twice determined in a general election that marriage should be recognized as only between a man and a woman. We have always had that view. Courts should not alter that definition, especially when the people of California have spoken so clearly on the subject. ...

The One Thing Men Wish Wives Knew but Can't Tell

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:07:00 -0700

by Connie Sokol
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In time for Valentine's Day, find out the thing men most wish their wives knew - and find ways to show him a little bit more of the same Christian heart.

In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, the author asked 400 Christian men, ages 21 to 75, in a national survey what they wished their wives knew, but couldn't tell them. They could have said anything, and did—more understanding, respect, sex, and taking care of herself. But even when a man could have finally had the ultimate say, the number one thing he wished his wife knew was this: how much he loved her.

Coming in double the percentage over any other response, I was amazed. Though men had real concerns, this was their biggest. In a similar survey to women, I’m guessing it could have been a laundry list of “You shoulds” fighting for the number one spot. So what can we do this month to show our husbands a little bit of the same Christian heart? Maybe taking a look at the lower items on the survey might help.

Make an effort to look your best. Keeping up with the schedules of many children, never mind with the effects of having borne them, sometimes we women are guilty of saying, “Well, we’re married for eternity, so he’ll just have to deal with it.” Yes, our husbands love us, but they’re men, and what says love to them is trying to look our best. No need to be a Victoria Secret model. One man said, “We need to see that you care about keeping our attention on you—and off other women. It helps if I see my wife purposefully working toward staying in shape.” Note: working toward. None of the men felt a woman had to be a skinny-minny. If a woman did her hair and makeup and she looked confident and comfortable in her own skin, they felt proud to be with her.

Understand his major conflict: provide for the family--and spend more time with them. As women, it can be difficult to appreciate the daily struggle this is for a man. As one surveyor said, “I feel confused. You want me home more, yet you want a new house, nice things, income, etc. I feel like I am pushing two big rocks uphill.” It’s similar to women wanting to look good but also bear and raise children—it’s a give and take. So the more we can comfort, appreciate, and specifically thank him, the more he can spend energy on being efficient and creative in how to approach the problem, rather than feel guilty and resentful. A few times I wrote cards to my husband thanking him for all he did to balance the “rocks.” One day I noticed he had kept those cards in his office, and he keeps nothing! This said volumes to me about how much he needed that validation.

Make yourself available for intimacy. For women, this is likely the most difficult. One Christian author said: “I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs . . . by the end of the day I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met? If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word . . . I soon realized I regularly said ‘no’ to the one thing he asked of me. I’d been so focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my hubby out of the picture” (Today’s Christian Woman, March/April 2002). Physical intimacy is love to men, not abstract need-filling as women sometimes think. To put it in simple terms, imagine being told to go without chocolate—for days, even weeks—when you really, really need it. So this week, perhaps make yourself more available and let him know you love him in the way he needs to feel it.

Consider what you would have put in that survey—the one thing you wish your husband knew—I know I have. Reflect on the goodness of good men, and what you can do to show love to your good man this coming month.

Connie Sokol is a mother of six—expecting her seventh—and a presenter, former TV and radio host, and author of several books, including Faithful, Fit & Fabulous. For tips, columns, and books, visit www.8basics.com.

He's Amazing and Still Single - WHY?

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 00:06:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We probably all know one or two men who are attractive and desirable; yet, for some reason they struggle with the decision to marry and remain single into their 30's or 40's. Truth is, there is a combination of factors that cause this delay - and all of them can be overcome.

Every ward has one or two single men who are simply amazing, and yet, year after year, they remain single.

These are men who have fulfilled honorable missions. They have a degree or two and a good job. They attend church regularly, fulfill their callings, go to the temple regularly, and do their home teaching. They stay fit, are socially skilled, and date good women. Yet these men remain single often stating they just haven’t found the one.

Are these men too picky? Are they afraid of commitment? Are they attracted to the wrong kind of women? Do they have some unknown mental health issue or pain from their past that is getting in the way? Or are they just so comfortable with being alone that they feel no motivation to get married?

As a counselor and dating coach who has worked with many men that fit this profile, I know that they do want to get married; they would prefer not to be alone. They also care deeply about doing the right thing and following the counsel of the prophet. And they, too, are concerned about what they're doing wrong.

Most of the time they don’t know if the problem is them or just that they haven’t met that one woman who will fix everything, but they are committed to doing what it takes to fix the problem. All they know for certain is that in spite of the fact that they date great women, they just don’t feel an emotional attachment and they don’t know why. Without this strong emotional connection they can’t feel confident about moving forward with marriage.

I have discovered several common patterns that point to an explanation of what is going wrong and how to fix it.

First, these men often suffer from excessive pressure caused by a common form of anxiety.

Because these men are high functioning in most areas of their lives, they often don’t recognize that the feelings of pressure and distress they feel prior to and in-between dates is due to a form of anxiety called anticipatory anxiety.

Part of what makes these men great is that they think of others’ feelings and don’t act impulsively; however, in this case they are often so concerned about hurting others that they feel anxious about disappointing the women they date. This causes additional pressure that makes them anticipate what their date may be thinking, feeling, or expecting. This creates even more anxiety and causes them to analyze what they are feeling (or not feeling) and take action quickly so as to not disappoint or hurt their date.

What they don’t realize is that this very concern actually inhibits their ability to have fun, relax, and feel a deeper connection. They analyze their emotions so closely that is is difficult for them to feel positive and spontaneous emotions. As time goes on, the added pressure makes it more difficult for them to believe that they will ever get out of the trap. Instead of realizing that their lack of emotional attachment is actually a result of their anxiety, they assume that something must be wrong with the girl they are dating: “If only she didn’t have _____ issue or behavior, perhaps I would feel more of a connection.” They then leave the relationship, hoping for that one woman with whom they will feel a connection.

Second, many of the women they date inadvertently add even more pressure.

Another common pattern in this problem is that the women these men date tend to become excessively available, accommodating, and committed too early in the process. These women will often call or text the men more frequently than the men call them. They will express a desire to see the men frequently and before the men have an opportunity to ask when they can get together. These women are often very understanding and supportive, which further adds pressure to the men to not hurt them. Although these qualities can be good qualities, in this circumstance, they end up actually turning the tables on the men.

These men do best when they are in the pursuit role. They need to be the hunters, not the hunted. It’s not that they want these women to play games or reject them, but they do want these women to be happily living their own lives, expressing their opinions, and pursuing other options. When that happens, these men can relax without worrying about what the women they date are feeling or expecting. When women are not anxious for commitment, these men feel less anxiety, and as a result their positive emotions come more easily. Only after investing in the women (without pressure) over a period of months (while also having a lot of fun), they feel a deeper emotional connection.

Third, when it comes to dating, these men feel spiritually disconnected from God.

These men have strong testimonies and many powerful spiritual experiences; however, when it comes to dating, mate selection, and the decision to marry, often these men feel that God is silent, which only adds to their fears and doubts.

One explanation for this silence is that most people who suffer from depression and anxiety feel spiritually disconnected from God. Without realizing the true source of the problem (their anxiety), these men often assume that the lack of answers means that the relationship is not the right one or the decision is simply theirs.

Without feeling a strong emotional attachment, these men just stalemate or break up. If only they had an undeniable answer to marry the person, then they could move forward with confidence. Of course, in most cases, God probably wants them to decide for themselves, but the different possibilities (and fear of making the wrong decision) only add to their doubt and confusion.

This anxiety and doubt can be lessened when others express faith and trust in them and in the many blessings that marriage will give them. In many ways, these men need an abundance of positive and faith-filled messages to combat their anxiety and strengthen their faith and confidence––rather than receiving criticism or lectures on why they aren’t progressing to marriage.

To learn about the additional complicating factors that contribute to this pattern, and to listen to a one-hour audio in which I discuss this pattern with three men who struggle with it, visit ItsYourTechnique.com. I also have a series of audios that walk men through the steps they can take to overcome this pattern and progress to marriage.

—

To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit itsyourtechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the "It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique" dating system.

Answering questions about marriage and family

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:38:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Last week we wrote about the importance of distinguishing between people who are "interested" in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and should be invited to have the missionaries and those who are merely "curious" and need a thoughtful and well-worded answer to a question they have.

Often the quality of our answers to questions can determine whether someone comes to view the church favorably; and sometimes a clear and accurate answer can even help curiosity turn into interest.

A week ago, we offered the wording we use when we are asked (or challenged) with questions about whether Mormons are Christian.

Losing a Spouse

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:06:00 -0700

by Ashley Evanson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Everyone in this life experiences death, but it’s still incredible how personal it is, especially if the person you’ve lost is your spouse. These are some thoughts from those who have been there.

When you lose a spouse, you wonder, How can life possibly go on? How am I supposed to get through this? How am I even supposed to get out of bed?

It’s hard, but you can do it, even if “doing it” means making it to the grocery store in your pajamas. Be patient. Time doesn’t make things entirely better, but it does make them easier. Here’s some advice on how to cope with your new life or how to treat someone who has recently lost a spouse, from widows and widowers who have already been there.

If You’ve Lost a Spouse

Don’t Lose Your Testimony

“Don’t be mad at God,” says Carmen Crane Peterson, who lost her husband at age 31. “Don’t blame it on Him and then stop going to church. For me, it was the gospel that got me through it.”

Peterson has several friends who stopped going to church after their spouses died, and their lives are now a mess. Staying active in the Church and keeping her testimony were the most important aspects of her healing process.

Join a Widow/Widower Group

This group can be a professional counseling group run by therapists or an informal group of people who get together as friends.“That helped me because . . . I didn’t feel like I was so alone. There were actually people who survived,” Peterson says.

She recommends going on vacations with these friends, grabbing lunch together, or planning other fun activities with them to get your mind off of the hard things, if even for a short while.

But be careful not to treat the group as a crutch. At first you will need it to heal, but there will come a point when you’ll need to start dealing with your new life on your own, says Kelly Kimber, who lost his wife at age 45. “The longer I stayed in my widow/widower group, the longer I stayed hooked into the whole philosophy of ‘I’m a widower, I’ve lost my wife, poor me.’ I chose to break away from that group and that was like the next phase of being able to move on.”

Exercise

“If you let yourself, you can stay in bed all day and just sleep,” Peterson says. “For me, exercise was a way to get out and get myself out of bed.” In addition, exercise produces endorphins that can help with the grief. It can make you a little bit happier, even if it just lasts for a day.

Don’t Rush into Relationships

“I started dating way too soon and basically had an emotional meltdown,” Kimber says.

A lot of people think they are ready to start dating within that first year, but when they look back, they realize they weren’t. In his experience, friends who have remarried within a year of their spouse’s death are almost all divorced or are unhappily married. The loneliness made them fill the void, but in the end, they weren’t emotionally ready for such a big decision. “You need time to heal. If you try to move forward before you’re ready, it just creates a whole bunch of other problems.”

Read a Self-Help Book

Books on grief and losing a spouse can bring a new perspective to your suffering and show you ways other widows and widowers dealt with their losses. A few of Peterson’s favorite books include The Message by Lance Richardson and Making Sense of Suffering by Wayne E. Brickey.

Don’t Feel Obligated to Comfort Others

“People are going to come to you because they are grieving and they want comfort,” says Michelle Johnson, who lost her spouse at age 37. “They want to see you be okay so that they can be okay. But it is not your job to comfort them and make them feel better.” She recalls trying to put on a happy face and make others feel better about her husband’s death, but it became exhausting and she felt like she was never able to grieve herself. Once she stopped trying to comfort others, her healing process began.

Be Careful with Your Physical Emotions

A lot of people are unprepared for the physical desires that don’t shut off once their spouse is gone, Kimber says. He warns against letting those emotions control your actions. “You’re so vulnerable and lonely, and you just want to be held by somebody.” But these feelings can be dangerous if you’re not extremely careful and aware of your limits.

Don’t Make Big Decisions, Yet

Don’t move, get rid of your spouse’s things, change your environment, or make major financial decisions for at least a year, Johnson says. Try to keep some sort of stability in your life. The first while can be a very emotional time, and some of these decisions can’t be undone. You don’t ever want to regret something you did in an emotional state.

Realize People Don’t Mean to Say Hurtful Things

Friends and associates don’t know what to say but oftentimes feel like they have to say something, so they end up saying unintentionally hurtful things. “Recognize that unless you have lost a spouse, it’s difficult to understand. Give people the benefit of the doubt because most people don’t mean to hurt you,” Kimber says. If you get upset every time somebody says something stupid, you’re going to be upset a lot, and it’s just not worth it.

Don’t Feel Guilty for Surviving

A lot of spouses feel guilty for moving on and being happy, but your late spouse wouldn’t want you to sit around and cry all day forever, Johnson says. Life goes on, and you can either stay at home and cry

or start living your life again when you’re ready. It’s okay to have fun and smile. Just because you’re happy again doesn’t mean you never loved your spouse.

If Someone You Love Has Lost a Spouse

Avoid Asking Cliché Questions

“How are you doing?” is Johnson’s least favorite question in the world. “How am I supposed to answer that?” she says. “If people really wanted to know how I was doing, they would ask specific questions like, ‘Are you eating?’ and ‘How are you sleeping?’ and then they would try to help me fix whatever specific problems I was having.”

Understand That Everyone Grieves Differently

Some people are back to normal within months, but for others, it takes years. “Be sensitive to the way people handle their grief,” Peterson says. Everybody’s situation and marriage is different, and both affect the grieving time.

Offer Specific Help

Phrases like “Call me if you need help” and “Let me know if I can do anything” can be unhelpful to a widow or widower because they don’t know what kind of help they really need. “I felt so overwhelmed and I needed someone else to take charge,” Johnson says. She loved it when friends made appointments to come over and help with chores, meals, or just to talk. If you don’t set a specific time and date, the widow or widower will likely never follow through.

Don’t Compare Your Experiences with Death to Theirs

A lot of people with good intentions try to make a widow feel better by saying something like “I know how you feel.” Even if you, too, have lost a spouse, you can’t compare your loss to someone else’s. Every marriage, every relationship, and every situation is different, so comparing your experience to theirs is likely to hurt feelings rather than heal them. It’s best to just say something like “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Invite Them to Social Gatherings

When someone loses a spouse, they lose more than a husband or a wife—they lose their identity. They’re no longer a husband or a wife, a couple, or a traditional family unit. Suddenly, they feel like they don’t belong anywhere anymore. Johnson says she lost a lot of couple friends when her husband died. “You go from a full social life to nothing.” She recommends inviting them to social gatherings just like you would have if their spouse were still alive.

Helping a Child Who Has Lost a Parent

Get Your Kids in Counseling

Most kids need some kind of therapy, but they’re not old enough to make that decision for themselves. As their parent, you need to take charge and get them help. Group therapy can help them see that there are other kids in their shoes. If your children can see other kids who have lost parents still having fun, it gives them permission to have fun, too.

Let Them Talk

Allow your kids to talk about their deceased parent, even if it’s emotionally hard for you. The last thing you want to do is pretend like your spouse never existed.

Don’t Let Your Kids Lose Another Parent

“Unfortunately, I became a recluse, so my kids not only lost their mom, but their dad [too],” Kimber says. As he was mourning, he pulled away from everyone, including his kids. He warns other widows and widowers not to be physically or emotionally absent for your kids. They need you more than anything right now.

Celebrate Their Parent’s Life

Let them help plan celebrations or memorials for special days like birthdays, the death day, or Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Let them pick what they feel comfortable doing and allow them to express their love in their own way.

For more insights on life after the death of a spouse, check out our online essay, "Higher Places in Paradise," from S. Michael Wilcox, who lost his wife to cancer last year.

Higher Places in Paradise

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:05:00 -0700

by S. Michael Wilcox
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: After losing my wife to cancer, I had to learn to live, love, and grieve all at the same time. I'm still learning to feel my way without her physically beside me, but I am learning more of the deeper meaning of eternal love.

Click here to read our article on losing a spouse--whether you have or someone you know is struggling--and how to cope.

Love is a redeeming emotion and grief is love’s shadow. I am now living in that shadow, the diminished light cast upon me by the death of my wife a short eight months ago. These have been days of pain and, yes, fear and questioning, but also of profound love felt in previously undiscovered depths of my soul.

I kept a small notebook near me during my wife’s battle with cancer and her eventual passing. I tried to record what I was learning about living and loving and grieving. I did not initially intend it for publication but was reminded that we are under divine injunction to mourn with those who mourn and offer what comforts we can. To that end, and by way of tribute to the woman I love, I wrote the book Sunset, my own passage through the landscape of a loved one’s passing, desiring that it might lift others who share the path with me or who will one day find themselves on our road, hoping someone left a few signposts to help them find their way. Grief is a searching, desiring emotion. It is the heart’s hunger—the soul reaching out to the limits of mortality’s boundaries.

Writing of Laurie helped to open the windows of my soul and let some of the sadness depart. Both love and sorrow are meant to be shared—love that it may grow and sorrow that it may diminish. Writing was a continued sharing of life, with the paradox that when I finished, it was like losing her a second time. My world was thinner. Yet, a wonderful Muslim friend of ours told me, “When we speak lovingly of those who have passed, we lift them to higher and higher places in paradise.” That was comforting. Sunset was my lifting.

I wrote that others may find in a shared experience permission to feel what they feel, realizing others truly do understand. Life now has a strange, unfamiliar quality to it. I’m on a stage in someone else’s play. I act out my roles. I interact with the other players. I say my lines and execute my entrances and exits. It’s a good play, certainly not a tragedy, and the scenes are filled with wonderful people and much joy, even laughter. But the genuine life, the loving life, is somewhere else. I wait for the play to end. The other actors will go home, the crowds will thin, and I will see her waiting in the wings. We’ll walk off together, Laurie and I, and have toast and hot chocolate in the kitchen.

I have watched countless sunsets in the past months, many of them over the ocean. As the sun nears the horizon, it spreads a narrow golden ribbon of reflected light across the water. It shimmers like an inviting pathway reaching my feet. I have thought many an evening that one day I will step out onto that shining, beckoning stretch of light and walk out over the ocean, past the waves, past the horizon and into the sunset. Laurie will come to meet me, reach out her hands, and grief will end. Until that day, I search for her in other ways. Perhaps my searching will help others.

There is a love that is developed between two people who look across at each other and love what they see. It is found in the face and features, in the heart, hair, soul, and mind which each accepts as a gift from the other. But all this is enhanced by the love that unites when both look from each other to something else and each loves what the eyes see equally.

Our marriage was more than just us. It was everything we both found dear, or satisfying, or comic, or lovable. It was the Shakespeare Festival, and Chinese art, the sea cliffs of Ireland, and the red rock hiking trails of Southern Utah. It was BBC mini-series and Poirot mysteries, orange juice with popcorn and French toast in the morning. I am learning to reach for this love, the warm flowing over the soul, the quiet awareness of someone looking with me. It is akin to retrieving an early morning dream or a forgotten lyric which trembles just on the rim of the mind.

I am also learning the deeper meaning of that eternal love which begins with two kneeling souls in a temple. We speak of the everlasting nature of love, its infinite scope. I always imagined it as stretching down the long corridor of welcoming time, past setting suns and turning galaxies, but my vision was always a future one of time unspent. Now I feel it pulling me backwards, through every moment of her childhood, her growing preparatory years, the seasons of dolls and dances, first lipstick and earrings, times I did not share with her but were now as precious as if I had always known her, always loved her, had never lived without her. I sense in this backward yearning that when the day comes that veils and closed doors will part and open and our sight search forgotten time that the reach of love will encompass all the eons of the past so that eventually there will never be a time when I did not love her.

I am not speaking of the belief that we knew each other in a pre-mortal life. It is not that! But something deeper, more holy, first created in the temple, at the altar where the eternal motion towards both future and past begins its infinite longing reach. Was she ever not there? Was there ever a time I did not love her? No, it seems in this that love is retrospective and captures all the moments of the past and makes them part of the now, one eternal round, all things in the present, time in perfect wholeness, union before union. Ironically, it is death, the perceived ender of things that has given me this gift of enhanced ages.

With that vision I offer to all my own deepest prayer.

“We mourn, Father, be with us in our mourning! Though thy scriptures so triumphantly ask, ‘O death, where is thy sting?’ we know where to find it. We love, Father, help us in our loving. Teach us to walk the path that leads forward, into the arms of those we long for.”

Dave Ramsey: What's Your Emergency Fund Range

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How do we determine whether to save on the high or low end of the emergency range?

Dear Dave,

In your plan, you talk about Baby Step 3 as saving enough to have three to six months of expenses in your emergency fund. My husband and I were wondering how you can determine whether you need to be on the low end or high end of that range?

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Lots of times in a marriage you’ll have a situation where one person wants to save more, while the other is excited to move on toward investing. Technically, neither is wrong. So, the emergency fund really deals with someone’s own personal level of peace. Remember Murphy’s Law, and how it says that says if something can go wrong it will go wrong? Your emergency fund is Murphy Repellant. Some people just want to make sure he doesn’t knock on the door, while others make sure he stays in the next county!

There are always practical considerations you can use to determine the amount of your emergency fund. If you both have very stable jobs, you’ll probably be okay saving up three or four months of expenses. But if just one of you works outside the home, or if one is self-employed or on commission, leaning toward the six month side is probably a good idea.

Of course, you can always compromise. Start out with three months, but add a little every once in a while until you reach a point where you’re both comfortable.

—Dave

For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.

Mormon Parenting: Our No. 1 idea for parenting, marriage

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 09:24:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

People occasionally ask us, "If you could just recommend one thing to parents or to marriage partners, what would it be?"

We love something called "The Five Facet Review" because it has such positive impacts both on parenting and on marriages.

It works like this:

Bishop Burton joins leaders to promote religious freedom and marriage

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:32:00 -0700

source: Newsroom.lds.org

Mormon Life says: The letter he signed promotes the protection of marriage between a man and a woman. Last Thursday, Presiding Bishop of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, H. David Burton, joined 38 prominent leaders of different faiths in signing a letter advocating traditional marriage and religious freedom.

New Pew survey reinforces Mormon's top goals of family, marriage

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:54:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Mormon Life says: Interesting fact: In 38% of LDS couples, both the husband and wife work, versus 62% of non-LDS couples. Editor's note: This article is the second in a five-part series examining survey findings on Mormons in America . Read the first article here.

After dinner, three baths, four bedtime stories and a half-a-dozen goodnight kisses for 2-year-old twins Brock and Isaac and 6-year-old Ellie, Erin and Brian Thompson finally sink into the couch with weary smiles.

Being parents is just what they always wanted. And they love it.

{A&E} Secrets, Marriage, & Technology

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 00:32:00 -0700

by Ashley Evanson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: My stake has recently seen a slew of disciplinary counsels that all started with technology. It's alarming, and it's got me thinking: what's the best way to avoid these things with an unavoidable reality like technology?

My stake was recently given a very serious and reprimanding Sunday School lesson by our stake presidency, and rightfully so. In the past two months, there have been eight disciplinary counsels in my stake. Eight! Yikes. Of course details weren't given, but we were warned that most of the problems began with the same thing: technology.

What started as innocent socializing became the downfall of these members. Men and women became friends with old flames on social media, they began texting neighbors of the opposite sex, and they casually e-mailed other ward members. But these innocent acts quickly escalated, and everything went downhill.

Obviously, technology and media are not bad things (after all, we have a great piece also running today on sharing the gospel through technology, not to mention I'm an online editor and practically live on the computer and my cell phone), but I think the solution to this problem is transparency. I personally believe married couples should have a shared knowledge of all computer, cell phone, and social media accounts and passwords. Of course I don't think I need to notify my husband every time I message someone of the opposite sex; that would be ridiculous. But I do think that if he wanted to read what I was writing, he should have full access to that, no questions asked. Basically, no secret interactions should ever be taking place.

Is this thinking too extreme? I just think it’s really sad that these are good people in my stake who thought something like this could never happen to them. But it did. And it’s scary to think it could happen to you or me, too.

(On a lighter note, I have to give my husband my passwords because I can never remember which ones are for which accounts! If it weren’t for him, I honestly would never be able to login to my iTunes account. Why does that one always escape me?)

Another thing to think about: men and women can’t be “just friends.” Okay, let me clarify. You can probably be “just friends” on places like Facebook (carefully), but any type of real friendship that involves constant communication and even face-to-face time is risky business. A lot of women think it’s totally possible for this type of innocent friendship, but let me tell you, it’s more common for men to disagree with this. My then-boyfriend-now-husband laughed at me back in college when I told him about my guy friends who I swore just wanted to be my friends.

A few students from Utah State University made this funny man-on-the-street film on whether or not single men and women can be friends, and although it’s not professional or scientific, I think it says a lot:

So is it true? It would seem single men and women can’t be “just friends” because someone always wants more than a friendship, but what about married people? I feel like it would be difficult to be friends with a man other than my husband, unless he was a mutual “couple friend.”

Your turn: Is this type of thinking too extreme? Do you think it’s smart to share your passwords with your spouse? How do you handle friendships/relationships with members of the opposite sex? Leave a comment below.

Ashley Evanson is the online editor at LDS Living. She loves eating Costco hot dogs, Pinterest (addicted!), and watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Single Women: How to Get More Attention, Affection, and Commitment Now

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell, Dating Expert
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: To ensure that 2012 is the year that you get love, attention, and affection, avoid these five common dating mistakes and apply these five secrets for success instead.

A single woman may mistakenly believe:

if she walks across the room to meet a man, he’ll be more interested in her;

if she is excessively and easily available, he’ll want her;

if she is his friend, he’ll eventually fall in love with her;

if she takes care of him, he’ll appreciate her;

if she provides sex, he’ll commit to her.

Although women who believe these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. And the reason why is simple: Men love through sacrifice (theirs, not hers).

Men love through sacrifice

Many women prevent men from making sacrifices by doing too much of the work. When you give him your number before he asks for it, call him, drop plans to be with him, hang out (instead of expecting him to take you on dates), do things for him, and (worse yet) act sexual with him, you deny him the privilege of sacrificing for you. The more deeply a man sacrifices the more deeply he loves. Thus, the more you do for him, the less he does for you, and the less he feels for you.

To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .

Use your femininity and warmth to encourage a man to invest in you. Smile and wave at him from across the room. Engage fully in conversations with him. Learn and use his name, smile at him, and touch him when talking with him. Accept his offers to open a door, carry something, or help you (and show gratitude when he does). And instead of lingering too long, leave him with a challenge by stating you need to go but would like to get to know him better - then walk away, trusting he'll ask for your number if he's interested.

Show more faith in him and his sincere interest in you by not being immediately available. Strike a balance between being excessively available and too busy for him by responding to his calls within 20 minutes to 2 hours. And when responding to pointless texts, text back with “Sorry. I’m pretty busy right now. But I would love to talk with you on the phone later today. I will be available between 6 and 7 p.m. I’d love it if you call me then :-) .” And when he asks for a date at the last minute, respond warmly by saying, “I’m so sad. I’m not available tonight, but I’d love to get together with you on Tuesday.”

Save your weekends for dates (not guy friends). Show men that you are happy and confident by making plans and doing fun things with others. If he asks to spend time with you at the last minute (and especially on the weekends), kindly say, “I’m sorry to ask, but I don’t know how to act unless I know: would this be hanging out or a date? The reason I ask is because I save my weekends for dates.” Pause and wait for his response. If he says it’s a date, say “Great!” and accept. If he says it’s hanging out, act warm and unaffected and say, “Thanks, that helps. I’m sorry, but I'll need to take a rain check. I’m sure you understand.” Then smile and walk confidently away, with gratitude that you discovered the truth and can give the best of yourself to only those men who invest in dating you.

Match his efforts, don’t exceed them. Men like to be the hunters, not the hunted, yet they will gladly let you take over and do all the work if you’re willing. To ensure that he becomes (and remains) fully engaged in the relationship, step back and follow his lead instead. Wait for his call rather than calling him (do return his calls when he leaves a message). If he calls you three or four times, then call, text, or email him on occasion to show him that you will invest too. Just don’t do these things more often than he does or he’ll feel less of a need to contact you (assuming that you will contact him soon anyway).

Stand strong relative to your feelings, rights, needs, and values. Men like women who like themselves. They also like women who express their feelings, rights, and needs in a feminine, constructive, and positive way (rather than in a criticizing, nagging, or whining way). Most men will not only honor the boundaries you set, but they will also respect and value you more because you express them and stand firmly behind them. A man who doesn’t respect your feelings and boundaries is usually a man who lacks empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility, which are the core warning signs of a manipulative and abusive personality. This type of man is not interested in loving and valuing you. You are a means to his own ends. So stand on firm, but loving, ground (especially when it comes to your moral boundaries).

Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit ItsYourTechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.

Single Men: How to Get More Attention, Affection, and Commitment Now

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell, Dating Expert
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: To ensure that 2012 is the year that you get love, attention, and affection, avoid these five common dating mistakes and apply these five secrets for success instead.

A single man may mistakenly believe:

if he says nice things to a woman, she’ll be more interested in him;

if he’s immediately available and accommodating, she’ll value, respect, and appreciate him;

if he buys her gifts and takes her on expensive dates, she’ll be more excited about him;

if he jumps in to take care of her or fix her problems, she’ll appreciate and respect him;

if he dates only her, she’ll value his immediate loyalty and commitment.

Although men who do these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. The reason why is simple: Women need to see strength and confidence in men if they are to trust and respect them.

Women need to see strength and confidence in men.

A woman may argue that she would only love and appreciate a man who did these things for her, but upon reflection she will usually admit that many of the men who have quickly acted in these ways with her have either seemed too nice (which made them easy to take for granted) or they seemed creepy, weird, insincere, or obsessive (which made it easy to reject them without question).

The problem isn’t that women want to be treated badly. Women like nice men. Women simply need to see that these nice men are also strong and confident, they have limits, and they won’t tolerate being treated badly.

To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .

Lean back so you appear cool and calm. The number one need of a woman is to feel safe and secure. If you get too close to a woman or lean in too much, you will look too intense, vulnerable, or creepy, which could trigger early rejection. By leaning back you not only look and feel more calm but you also make it easier for her to lean toward you (which could indicate that she has interest in you).

Use good posture, body language, words, and tones. When talking with a woman, be sure to keep regular eye contact. Square your shoulders and straighten your back. Keep your chin up (if you drop your chin it can look like you lack confidence or have a hidden shame). Use a confident and deeper tone of voice when expressing your opinions (fluctuating or raising your tone of voice can cause others to question the strength of your convictions). Don‘t focus on your problems or make negative comments about yourself or your life.

Look like a man who is busy and on the go. Don't linger too long––whether it is during the first contact, while on the phone, or at the end of the date. You need to show her that you can take charge of a situation and end things on your terms (which makes her value you and your time more). Don’t rush every interaction, or she will think that you won’t make time for her, but after spending some time getting to know her, simply say, “I could talk to you all night, but I really need to get back to work (or get home).” Then add, “I’d like to see you again. When would be a good time to call?” This shows her that you respect your time and hers while also having other important things in your life that you enjoy.

Save the best of you for those who invest in you. Expensive dates and gifts need to be reserved for those who demonstrate that they appreciate your efforts. You will know that they appreciate you because they will consistently return your calls in a timely manner; they will lean forward, smile at you, or touch you sometimes; or they will offer to pay for some small part of the date. Plan to invest in her but limit your sacrifices to moderate or inexpensive dates (for the first four dates). As her investment and appreciation continues, increase your sacrifices and/or add some modest gifts (this encourages and supports her investment in you).

Keep dating other women. Just as men want women other men want, women want men other women admire. If you become immediately exclusive (and before a woman is ready to do the same) you could set yourself up for the too-nice trap. Instead, keep dating others. The reality that other women appreciate you will decrease the risk that she will take you for granted. Furthermore, it will remind you that if she doesn’t value and appreciate you, someone else will.

Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.

{Single Saints} Dating Resolutions for the New Year

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:04:00 -0700

by Kaela Worthen
source: MormonLife.com

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married, there are always ways you can improve your love life to increase the happiness of yourself and your (current or potential) significant other.

Single

1. Try something new. Take a yoga class, join a local hiking group, learn a new language at your community college. All of these places will help you to expand and improve yourself, keeping you from moping about being single, improving your self-confidence and happiness (thus making you more likely to attract someone of the opposite sex), and, best of all, giving you plenty of opportunities to meet new people. (Try this really cool idea to get you started.)

2. Try online dating. Seriously. I’m not saying it’s because you’re weird/boring/less than the rest of society. Forget any of the stereotypes you’ve heard. It works. You know how I know? My boyfriend of 4 months and I met there. My goal was to try online dating if I graduated college single (see this article); yours can be if you’re starting 2012 single. I met lots of great guys (and, yes, a few odd ones), had a ton of fun on dates, and then found one guy I wanted to pursue things even further with. Want more proof it works? One in eight couples who married in 2009 met through social media (read this article for more info).

3. Don’t be so picky. The idea that you have to wait for THE one in order to start a relationship? False. Even the general authorities say so, in this article. If you think there’s potential, even though fireworks aren’t going off announcing your handsome prince charming, give it a chance. If things don’t work out, you’ll both come away better people, having learned better what you are looking for, who you want to be, and how a relationship works.

4. But don’t be too unpicky. At the same time, if there’s a girl you’re really just not interested in, don’t force things just because you want or feel like you should be in a relationship. You’ll cause both of you more heartache in the future. Ladies, if there’s a guy you like but you know he’s not good enough for you, don’t settle just because you want to be in a relationship.

In a Relationship

1. Have story time. When you’ve been dating for a while, you get to know each other well, but considering the years you’ve been alive and the months you’ve been dating, the amount you know versus what there is to be known is still miniscule. Try this: “I want to hear a story about [when you were a kid and one of your siblings was mean to you/something about you and sports/something you’ve always wanted and never gotten/anything else in the world].” The requests, and the stories related, can range from humorous anecdotes, stories with no point at all, or deep discussions about who you are and how you view the world.

2. Have regular DTRs. For those of you who haven’t been introduced to this quintessential Mormon colloquialism, a DTR is a conversation about the state of your relationship—a “Define the Relationship.” Most commonly it is used in the context of that all-important conversation that also makes usage of the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” acceptable. But even after you’ve passed that hurdle, checking in to see how things are going and that you’re still on the same page is wise—just like a companionship inventory for missionaries. You can discuss anything that the other person needs to be aware of and any concerns before they are allowed to fester into full-blown arguments.

3. Make a to-do list. It's easy for a relationship to stagnate when you fall into a rhythm of doing the same things and eating at the same places all the time. Together or separately, come up with a list of things you want to do—whether it's eat at a certain restaurant, go on a hike to a special place, learn how to make sushi, or anything else. Make it your go-to list whenever you don't have a plan, and pick something that sounds interesting to do. That way you can both grow and progress as individuals and in your relationship as you try new things and explore each other's interests.

4. Go on more double dates. Another way to make sure your relationship doesn't stagnate is to involve other people into your activities. Having more people to interact with will give you more opportunities to get to know each other in a different viewpoint and make sure things stay interesting.

Married

1. Go on a date at least once a month with your spouse. We've all heard the wonderful stories of married couples who go out on a date every single week. But those can often seem more like fantasy than reality as you deal with busy work schedules, needy children with homework and illnesses, callings, and more. Start simple and you won't set yourself up for failure—try one date per month together.

2. Take more opportunities to show you're thinking about your spouse. Call, stop by the office, FaceTime, surprise him or her for lunch—these little things more frequently can mean much more than occasional grandiose gestures.

3. Go to the temple at least once a month together. If you go to the temple regularly with your spouse, you and your spouse will be able to draw closer to God and to each other, making more a more celestial and successful marriage.

4. Escape on quarterly getaways. Four times a year, take the chance to plan a getaway with your spouse. If you're able to, you can go to a vacation spot you've both been yearning to visit, but it doesn't have to be extravagant. Go to a hotel in your own town, or stay in but send the kids off to stay with Grandma or have a sleepover with friends. Take the time to get rid of all the other distractions—work, callings, children, or anything else—and focus solely on each other.

Your turn: Do you have suggestions to improve the love lives of others, whether they are single, in a relationship, or married? What has worked for you, or what goals will you be setting this year? Let us know in the comments below.

Guessing can harm marriages

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 10:07:00 -0700

source: MormonTimes.com

Mormon Life says: LDS author Orson Scott Card addresses a pretty touchy subject: intimacy. I think he does a good job and makes some great points. Editor's note: This column discusses the challenges of marital communication about intimacy.

Why do marriages break up? Arguments about the children, about money, about religion, about sex; personality conflicts, incompatibility, bad conflict resolution; all these things are true, and all are incomplete.

When President Kimball told us that any Latter-day Saint couple of good will could make a happy marriage, he was right — but he didn't mean that it would happen automatically.

Quarrels over child-rearing or money or ambition or scheduling are rarely caused by those issues — though the issues are usually real enough, and need to be resolved.

Generosity with spouse key to why married parents happier than others, study says

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:21:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Couples who value each other first and show it abundantly are more happily married than others, according to new research from the the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia.

In fact, generosity ranked just behind sexual satisfaction and commitment as a predictor of a happy marriage. A positive attitude toward raising kids came in fourth. For the last of the top 5, men valued spirituality within a marriage, while women valued a strong network of social support from friends and family.

Dave Says: Co-signing Leads to Stupid Tax

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 00:03:00 -0700

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: A collection agency is after my wife for a loan she co-signed years ago. Do we have a better option than bankruptcy?

Dear Dave,

My wife co-signed on a loan for an ex-boyfriend five years ago when they were together, before we even met. Now a collection agency is after her. Our attorney has recommended we take Chapter 7 bankruptcy, but the debt is only $5,000. Is there a better way?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

You bet there’s a better way! It’s just plain stupid to even consider trashing your financial life over $5,000, because bankruptcy stays on your record for years.

This is an old loan with very low expectations for collection. The collector probably bought it for next to nothing, and everything he gets will be profit. It’s not uncommon for debts this old to be settled for fifty cents on the dollar, and sometimes even less. Haggle with them, and I’ll bet you can talk them down to $2,500.

Get an agreement in writing before you send them a dime, and do not give them access to your bank account. They’ll threaten to sue, or ruin your credit and that kind of stuff, but my guess is you can work this out. It may take a couple of weeks and some patience, but that’s nothing if it will save you $2,000 to $3,000.

You guys will have to pay some Stupid Tax on this one, but I hope it will teach you both a very valuable lesson. Never co-sign a loan!

—Dave

For more financial help please visit daveramsey.com.

{Single Saints} Inner Beauty Is Not Enough

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 00:05:00 -0700

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Author’s note: Though my message was meant to be encouraging, I failed to clarify a few sensitive points. I didn’t consider that in today’s unrelenting assault of negative body messages, my blog might be misconstrued as an invitation to conform to society’s ideals. We should recognize that we each have a personal best that exists independently of what society tells us, one that should be attained out of a sense of personal achievement, not solely to attract a mate. I was wrong to address the article primarily toward women, because men can be equally guilty of failing to care for themselves. I also realize that one cannot simply look at another person and make an accurate judgment on how well that person cares for him- or herself. Nevertheless, the overall message of this blog remains: “Figure out your personal health and appearance standard, then work toward it.” Please bear that in mind as you read the following.

We’ve all heard that beauty is on the inside, in the eye of the beholder, or somewhere else beyond the realm of the physical. And while I will not argue against the idea that inner beauty—a combination of a good personality, a shining spirit, and other internal qualities—is crucial, I will contend that beauty on the outside should not be neglected.

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among women. On Facebook and in conversations with girls, I’ve heard girls embrace supposed feminine liberation and tell us that they’re beautiful no matter how they look. Before I have to dodge a flurry of thrown stiletto heels, let me clarify: Yes, you are beautiful. You’re a daughter of God, and don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. But . . . you shouldn’t let the “beauty on the inside” argument hinder your quest to achieve your physical ideal. Some girls I know tell themselves it doesn’t matter how they look because they’re beautiful on the inside, and then they just . . . well, let themselves go.

I'm a single male and that reflects in the audience I write to, but regardless of our marital status or gender, we should all take care of our bodies. After all, aren't they gifts from God? We're instructed to abstain from tattoos and extra piercings in an attempt to show respect for our bodies, and shouldn't that respect be extended to how we treat the body itself? We are stewards of our mortal shells, and as such should care for them like the prized possessions they are.

For those who are still dating, failing to take care of yourself can easily delay association with potential eternal mates. The right person will love you eventually, but it’s your physical aspect that often catches the eye. If you don’t take the time to care for yourself, that doesn’t exactly encourage anyone else to care for you, either. How many people who would love you once they got to know you have passed you over? Maybe you’ve even been the one who’s passed on someone because that person failed to care for his or her God-given body.

If you are truly happy with the body you have, I’m glad for you. We should recognize that none of us is going to have a perfect body, at least not at this stage in our eternal existence. (Or maybe you already do have a near-perfect body. Congrats. You should still keep reading.) Women, we guys will accept that not all of you are swimwear models if you accept that few of us have managed the abs of a certain werewolf from Twilight.

I’m sorry if I come across as harsh. There are also plenty of people who go the opposite direction and become Barbie dolls with personalities as bland as the plastic dolls they so resemble. In our journey to improve our inner and outer selves, we should seek balance. We should be satisfied with who we are, but we should strive for healthy improvement. This principle applies to men as well. So how do both genders reconcile this paradox? How do we attain the right body while neither being satisfied with the sub-par nor going too far?

I propose that we find a realistic perception of the person we can become on the inside and outside. Discovering our exact physical potential may take some time, but we can gain a reasonable expectation of the best we can be. Then we simply become content with the progress we’re making toward being our best selves.

President Kimball said, "How nice and easy would it be if we had a magic wand! But we haven't. You might take a careful inventory of your habits, your speech, your appearance, your weight, . . . and your eccentricities. . . . Take each item and analyze it. What do you like in others? What personality traits please you in others? Are your dresses too short, too long, too revealing, too old fashioned? Does your weight drive off possible suitors? Do you laugh raucously? Are you too selfish? Are you interested only in your own interests?”

Elder Joe. J. Christensen adds, "The Lord expects us to do the best we can with what he has given us. President McKay said, 'Even a barn looks better when it's painted.'"

Girls (and guys), a little regular exercise and some healthy eating habits will be a good start toward becoming that reasonable paragon. Go running. Take a racquetball class. I think you’re capable of filling in the rest of this list yourselves. I really believe that as we all set attainable physical goals and work to reach them, we can be satisfied both with ourselves and with what we’re becoming.

What do you think? Am I off base? Do I have unreasonable expectations for girls?

Finding one's way through faith

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:56:00 -0700

source: MormonTimes.com

About a year ago, I wrote of the special bond and relationship I have with former Utah All-America receiver Bryan Rowley, who moved into my LDS ward in 2006. We were introduced by mutual friend Chad Lewis , who at the time had just finished his NFL career in Philadelphia and returned to his Cedar Hills, Utah, home.

Each of us wrote a blog last November about our unique friendship and how it helped bring Bryan back into church activity. Chad and Bryan were Orem High teammates and grew up together. Bryan played for Utah in the late '80s and early '90s and still holds most of Utah's receiving records.

Bryan moved east after his divorce because his ex-wife is from New Jersey and he wanted to be closer to his daughter Sage, who returned with her mother to be closer to family.

Dave Says: Intensity Hurting the Marriage?

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:03:00 -0700

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I think all our effort to get out of debt is hurting our marriage.

Dear Dave,

When does reaching the point of being debt-free become more important than marriage? We’re following your plan and doing the debt snowball, but my husband’s been working a second job, and it’s really cutting into our together-time at night and straining our relationship. I’m afraid we’re going to end up debt-free, but divorced. When does one outweigh the other?

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Getting out of debt is never more important than your marriage. But families go through all kinds of stuff, and one of those things is cleaning up messes they’ve made. It’s not always fun, but there’s a price to pay if you want to win with your money or anything else.

It sounds to me like your husband has gone gazelle intense about getting out of debt, and in the process may have left you behind a little bit. I don’t recommend that! He probably needs to take some time to come back and emotionally re-connect with you. And I’m sure some good, old-fashioned back rubs and words of encouragement from you are in order. Your man could use them if he’s been working two jobs!

But there’s plenty of time for snuggling and stuff later. Right now, you’re trying to do something—something really important—for the good of your family. I know it can be difficult, but it won’t last forever. And I can promise you this: Once you’re done, you’ll be very glad you toughed it out!

—Dave

For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.