Mormon Life - Love tag

Young Women Lesson 20: Reach Out to Others

Fri, 11 May 2012 00:04:00 -0600

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "Benevolence can bring joy and unity to your home, your class, your ward, and your school." -Mary N. Cook

Discussion Questions

• In what ways can we reach out to others and encourage their activity in Church meetings?

• How can we overcome our own self-consciousness to reach out to others?

Excerpt from "Remember This: Kindness Begins with Me" by Sister Mary N. Cook, May 2011 General Conference:

We build that unity and share our unique colors through benevolence: individual acts of kindness.

Have you ever felt lonely? Do you notice those who are lonely, living in a black-and-white world? Young women, I’ve watched as you bring your unique color into the lives of others with your smiles, your kind words, or a note of encouragement.

President Thomas S. Monson taught us how to interact with our peers and everyone we meet when he told the young women of the Church, “My precious young sisters, I plead with you to have the courage to refrain from judging and criticizing those around you, as well as the courage to make certain everyone is included and feels loved and valued.” 7

We can follow the example of the good Samaritan and “change the world” of just one person by being benevolent. 8 I would like to invite each of you to do at least one Samaritan-like act this coming week. It may require that you reach beyond your usual friends or overcome your shyness. You may courageously choose to serve someone who doesn’t treat you well. I promise that if you will extend yourself beyond what is easy to do, you will feel so good inside that kindness will start to become a part of your everyday life. You’ll see that benevolence can bring joy and unity to your home, your class, your ward, and your school. “Remember this: kindness begins with me.”

To read the full talk, click here.

{Poll} Public Displays of Affection at Church

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Kate Ensign-Lewis
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Some of my friends' religion professors have said church is absolutely not the place for PDA, but I've also seen plenty of leaders show affection for their wives in public settings. Where is the line?

I like to show affection for my husband. Whenever I can, I try to hold his hand. When we say goodbye, we give a quick kiss to let the other person know he/she is in our thoughts while we're apart. Sometimes, I'll rest my head on his shoulder and move in close next to him for some mild cuddling. We even do these things at church.

Now, I really don't think any of these are inappropriate. But some might. And I know some people definitely think back rubs or scratches are completely inappropriate in a church setting.

While I think it's pretty safe to say that making out is not acceptable at church (or in any public setting, really), what about more innocent forms of affection? We'd like to get a general survey of church membership, so let us know what you think . . .

Is Parenting Getting in the Way of Your Marriage?

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Your spouse will rarely demand as much from you as your children, so it's easy to get overwhelmed by the role of parent and neglect your role as husband or wife. Figure out if you suffer from this problem.

One of the most common types of couples who seek help from me in couples counseling are new empty nesters. They often say something like, “Now that our kids are gone, we don’t know what to talk about” or “We are having difficulty getting used to being alone together so much.” If you are an empty nester, does this sound familiar? If not, do you want to make sure this doesn’t happen to your marriage?

Depending on their age, children require that you feed them, change their diapers, give them advice, help them when they get hurt, help them feel comforted, play with them, listen to them when they cry, listen to them when they get excited, drive them to their practices, attend their concerts, go to PTA meetings—the list could go on forever. The fact is, children depend on you every day to exist, feel loved, and learn to navigate the treacherous growing years. In contrast, your spouse can care for his or her own needs to survive. The result is that parents spend too much energy on parenting and too little energy on their marriage.

Ask yourself the following questions to see if this could be happening to you:

1. Has it been more than a month since you went on a date with your spouse? If so, is the reason you justify not dating related to your kids?

I am a big advocate of dating in marriage relationships. Dating provides an excellent forum that can foster a healthy emotional connection—a necessary ingredient for healthy relationships. Dating was likely instrumental for you when you and your spouse fell in love. If it was so important then, it is even more important now, when so many other things pull your attention away from each other. I encourage everyone to go out on a date every week. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, and if you are creative, you can find necessary childcare.

2. Do your kids go to bed much later than you would like?

If you have had young children, you can probably relate to the many struggles parents face trying to get their kids to go to bed. However, based on my experience counseling couples, allowing your kids to stay up late can reduce the amount of one-on-one time you and your spouse share.

3. Do you always choose to play or interact with your kids instead of your spouse?

I am not trying to suggest that it is bad to play with your kids. However, too often parents focus too much on being parents and let their relationship slide. Your spouse needs your attention just as much as your children.

4. When you finally get some alone time with your spouse, do you multi-task, fold laundry, or work on some other parent responsibility during your alone time?

I know that managing the responsibilities of parenting, work, church callings, and everything else can be daunting. Even so, your relationship with your spouse deserves your undivided attention. It is easy to rationalize why everything else should take priority in the moment. However, moments easily turn into years without focused attention on your marriage.

I love children. As a father, much of my greatest joy, satisfaction, and meaning in life comes from my role as a father. Fulfilling that role is a responsibility I take very seriously, as I am sure most of you do as well. However, we also have roles to play as husbands or wives.

The Lord counseled that we should “love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (Doctrine & Covenants 42:22). I interpret this to mean that spouses should be our greatest commitment. The world is a demanding place, but we need to remember to keep our marriages as our top priority.

{Single Saints} Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Alexa Justesen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Breakups. We’ve all been there, whether you’re the breaker-upper or the break-up-ee. While I'm no dating expert, I've found through my own trial and error that these eight steps help to heal the heart.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of breakups in the past. Some ended well, some ended badly, but all were hard to deal with at the time. Knowing that something you put hard work, effort, and time into has suddenly ended is tough to accept and let go. However, as much as we may believe life is over, it’s important to know that it is possible to move on, get better, and see the silver lining in the end. The phrase “hindsight is 20/20” can be hard to believe in the moment, but I promise it’s true.

Been on the receiving end of a break-up recently? While I am by no means a relationship expert, these are some tricks that I’ve found to be effective in getting over a breakup and moving on. (Guys: while my tips come from a female perspective, they'll work for you, too.)

1. Take time to grieve. It’s okay to take a few days, buy a box of chocolates, and watch some movies. No one expects you to jump back on the dating bandwagon immediately, and it’s even best if you don’t. However, make sure to emerge from the depths of your living room couch after a little while. Find a hobby, go to the gym, and start to slowly find activities to take your mind off of the breakup. And most importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you have a break down every once in a while. That’s natural, and it happens.

2. Eliminate the “maybe.” “Maybe” is a tough little word. Sometimes after someone breaks up with us, we want to believe that “maybe” he’ll see he was wrong and come back, or “maybe” this breakup isn’t a permanent thing. And maybe those things will happen, but it’s important not to dwell on them. By dwelling on the “maybe,” your heart will get broken even more if nothing ends up happening. By moving on, you can put the pieces back together, and if things do end up working out again, you’ll be in an even better place. Who knows; by moving on, you might even realize your life has gone forward and you don’t want to get back together!

3. Cut the person off. This is a tough one. His Facebook page is right there, ready for you to look at. His text messages are still on your phone. My advice? Get rid of them. Delete the texts. Try to avoid looking through photos, e-mails, etc. for a period of time. While it can be hard, a clean break is the best way to start fresh. Sometimes by trying to stay friends immediately after the relationship ends, the “maybe” creeps back in and it becomes impossible to move on. If you do want an eventual friendship, it can come with time. Don’t jump into it before you are ready. You need time for those romantic feelings to disappear, and when you are surrounded by constant reminders of the relationship, they won’t.

4. Surround yourself with friends and family. Friends want to be there to help you, so let them. It has always surprised and touched me at how willing my friends have been to help me with whatever I’ve needed. Let visiting and home teachers know what’s going on. They want to help you, too, and they will. Talking it out can help, and often hearing the viewpoints of others lets us see things that we couldn’t or didn’t want to see while in the relationship.

5. Make yourself over. A breakup can be the perfect time to evaluate how you’ve been doing. Want to change up your hair? Do it. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Join a gym, take cooking classes, clean out your closet. Life is on your terms now. The best way to feel better is to make yourself better.

6. Make a playlist. I identify with music, and good song lyrics seem to recognize better how I feel than I do. There are great songs that will help you get through the sadness or anger. Then, make sure to move on and listen to happy, uplifting music when you are ready to be in a good mood!

7. Have faith that everything will work out. I'll say it again: hindsight really is 20/20. With most of my breakups, I am at the point where I can look back now and say, “Now I know why it wasn’t supposed to work.” Getting that answer takes time, so let yourself have it. And it will come.

8. Fake it til you make it. This is my dad’s favorite phrase, and I never believed it until I realized it’s true. Sometimes, by putting on a brave face and pretending you’re fine and happy, you realize that you really are, or are very close to it. So if you're finding it hard to find the faith that everything will work out, fake it. Faking a smile when you feel like diving into a box of tissues is tough, but it really will lift your mood. I promise.

While no breakup is fun to go through, the hurt will go away with time. The most important thing to do is to stay positive that wounds will heal, life will go on, and each day will get even better than the last. Because they will!

FHE: Activation

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by Shauna Gibby
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Use this lesson to discuss how you can help non-Mormons or less active members feel welcome and loved in the LDS community.

Conference Talk:

For more information on this topic read “Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time, Without Delay,” by Elder Jose L. Alonso, Ensign, Nov 2011, 14.

Thought:

We have a responsibility and a great opportunity. There are many who need to once again experience the sweet savor of happiness and joy through activity in the Church. That happiness comes from receiving the ordinances, making sacred covenants, and keeping them. The Lord needs us to help them. Let us do the right thing at the right time, without delay.

(Elder Jose L. Alonso, “Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time, Without Delay,” Ensign, Nov 2011, 14.)

Song:

“The Things I Do,” Children’s Songbook, p. 170.

Scripture:

And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

(Mosiah 2:17)

Object Lesson:

Materials needed: A balloon.

Procedure: Ask your group if they have ever tried to blow up a stiff balloon. It’s difficult at best and sometimes impossible. By stretching and working with the balloon, we can make the process of blowing it up much easier.

We can liken this to fellowshipping nonmembers and less-active members.

Trying to convert them or change them can be a difficult, nearly impossible task. By friendshipping them, serving them, and setting a good example we can prepare them to receive the gospel in their lives.

(Beth Lefgren and Jennifer Jackson, More Power Tools for Teaching, [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1991], p. 19.)

Story:

When I was a bishop, I received a telephone call from Elder Spencer W. Kimball. He said, “Brother Monson, in your ward is a trailer court, and in a little trailer in that court—the smallest trailer of all—is a sweet Navajo widow, Margaret Bird. She feels unwanted, unneeded, and lost. Could you and the Relief Society presidency seek her out, extend to her the hand of fellowship, and provide for her a special welcome?” This we did.

A miracle resulted. Margaret Bird blossomed in her newly found environment. Despair disappeared. The widow in her affliction had been visited. The lost sheep had been found. Each who participated in the simple human drama emerged a better person.

In reality, the true shepherd was the concerned apostle, Spencer W. Kimball, who, leaving the ninety and nine of his ministry, went in search of the precious soul who was lost.

(Thomas S. Monson, Inspiring Experiences That Build Faith: From the Life and Ministry of Thomas S. Monson, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1994].)

Activity:

Have everyone stand in a circle or boundary drawn on the ground. Toss an inflated balloon into the air. Everyone must keep it in the air by hitting, batting, or swatting and not let it hit the ground. The players must stay within the boundary.

The score for each ground is the number of hits before the balloon hits the ground.

Refreshment

Orange Rolls

1⁄2 cup butter or margarine, melted

1 cup sugar

3 tablespoons grated orange peel

Frozen white bread dough, thawed

Mix butter, sugar, and orange peel in a small bowl to make orange butter.

Divide dough and roll into rectangles about 8x12 inches on a floured board. Spread with orange butter. Roll up into a long log and slice into 1-inch rounds. Place on a sprayed or greased baking sheet, sides touching. Drizzle on any remaining orange butter. Let rise until double in size. Bake according to recipe or frozen dough directions.

Variable servings.

(Janet Peterson, Remedies for the “I Don’t Cook” Syndrome, [Salt Lake City: Eagle Gate, 2001], p. 90.)

To access the PDF version of this lesson, click here.

April 2012 Visiting Teaching Message: Love, Watch Over, and Strengthen

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 00:02:00 -0600

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Part of our responsibility as members of the Church is to love and watch over one another. Read part of the visiting teaching lesson and a supplement from Daughters in My Kingdom and consider how to discuss this with the sisters you teach.

Visiting Teaching Message:

Like the Savior, visiting teachers minister one by one (see 3 Nephi 11:15). We know we are successful in our ministering as visiting teachers when our sisters can say: (1) my visiting teacher helps me grow spiritually; (2) I know my visiting teacher cares deeply about me and my family; and (3) if I have problems, I know my visiting teacher will take action without waiting to be asked.1

How can we as visiting teachers love, watch over, and strengthen a sister? Following are nine suggestions found in chapter 7 of Daughters in My Kingdom: The History and Work of Relief Society to help visiting teachers minister to their sisters:

• Pray daily for her and her family.

• Seek inspiration to know her and her family.

• Visit her regularly to learn how she is doing and to comfort and strengthen her.

Click here to see the rest of the message.

Supplement: excerpt from "'Pure Religion': Watchcare and Ministering through Visiting Teaching," Chapter 7 of Daughters in My Kingdom:

While visiting teachers have always looked after the temporal needs of individuals and families, they have also had a higher purpose. Sister Eliza R. Snow, the second Relief Society general president, taught: “I consider the office of a teacher a high and holy office. I hope the sisters do not think that it consists merely in begging for the poor. You want to be filled with the Spirit of God, of wisdom, of humility, of love, that in case they have nothing to give they may not dread your coming.”

Sister Snow hoped that sisters would “perceive a difference in their houses” after a visit.7 She counseled visiting teachers to prepare themselves spiritually before they visited homes so they would be able to ascertain and meet spiritual needs as well as temporal ones: “A teacher … should surely have so much of the Spirit of the Lord, as she enters a house to know what spirit she meets in there. … Plead before God and the Holy Ghost to get [the Spirit] so that you will be able to meet that spirit that prevails in that house … and you may feel to talk words of peace and comfort, and if you find a sister feeling cold, take her to your heart as you would a child to your bosom and warm [her] up.”8

To read the rest of this chapter, click here.

{Single Saints} Making Long Distance Work

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Some might say long distance is the wrong distance when it comes to relationships, and long run, they're right. But plenty have had success. The key is communication.

One of my favorite treats is the French bread pizza. It’s an ingenious upgrade on the standard pizza design, can be ready to eat in five minutes, and comes with a handy tray for catching crumbs while you’re eating on the living room couch. However, though it comes in a package of two, even a pair of them is not quite enough to satisfy my hunger, and the price tag is a little more than I’m willing to spend on anything less than the kind of meal that results in my collapsing on the couch afterward in stuffed satisfaction. In other words, I love it, but I have to enjoy what I can get because it’s never quite enough.

I think a long-distance relationship is a little like that French bread pizza. When you’ve got someone you care about but that person is too far away for you to see with any frequency, you’re often forced to make do without certain relationship luxuries, like physical contact or traditional quality time.

I’m still trying to figure this out, but I do have a few ideas.

Have a goal in mind. It doesn’t have to be marriage or anything dramatic, but I do feel it’s crucial to your relationship to set a timeframe and something you’d like to accomplish during that time. You might even suggest that you go for three months or so and then stop to evaluate where things are going. On the other hand, some might stress that it’s important to just let the right thing happen. Either way, you should makes steps to assure you are both on the same page.

Frequent communication. We live in an age blessed with myriad means which with to communicate. Some couples might feel comfortable with daily texting conversations; others might prefer calling or video chat. I suggest mixing it up a little; perhaps you can have a regular Skype day every week, but communicate however you want in between sessions.

Trust. You’re hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles apart. You’re both going to have exciting lives, regardless of one another’s absence. It’s too much to ask to stay inside and refrain from human contact. Trust each other to stay true; maintain honest communication.

There’s no sure formula for making relationships work, especially long-distance ones. However, There’s a common theme throughout all of these suggestions: communication. When you’re separated, communication is all you have left — so you’d best utilize it.

Your turn: What worked (or didn't work) in any of your long-distance relationships?

{A&E} Romance Novels: Another Form of Porn?

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 01:06:00 -0600

by Ashley Bardsley
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: As a librarian, I have the unique opportunity to help people find books to entertain and inspire. But one too many times I have seen women get caught up in the world of romance novels and lose sight of what is virtuous and lovely.

“…If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy we seek after these things.”

The whole 13th Article of Faith is, in my opinion, a great motto for how to live a happy life. I am a librarian. I have the unique opportunity to help people find books that in some way entertain and inspire. I hear a lot of feedback about authors, writing styles, story plots, and characters. I also see a lot of trends in the world of reading. It is regarding one of these trends that I would like to focus today’s post.

Romance novels.

Not Jane Austen romance novels; they're just fine. We're talking the mass-market produced novels with someone who looks like Fabio on the cover and explicit sex scenes as the primary content. Those ones.

Yes, we are going there.

I see women check out romance novel after romance novel like there is no tomorrow. I believe these books are a much more serious form of pornography than people realize.

Before you think, “Who is this blogger, and who gave her the right to say something so presumptuous?” Hear me out. I have heard women talk about these novels as their escape. That they love reading about the characters and questionable sections of the novels because it is so far from the life they themselves live. It is their guilty pleasure. I have seen these fictional fantasies take over existing relationships. Mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, friends, grandmothers, you name it, individuals who are wasting time in a trashy nowhere land rather than living their own lives. This librarian has seen it all.

Now, all reading is escapism to some extent, and I am in no way advocating against reading. However, a book that creates a world or relationships that make you want to escape so strongly that your current world and relationships are no longer satisfactory is not safe, and the feelings of lust that are produced by such material are not safe either.

Just today, a 17-year-old girl told me about the romance novel she was currently reading. She was genuinely surprised at how racy the book was. If a teenage, nonmember girl can see where to draw the line with these books, I think we can too.

I know that romance novels are not the only form of entertainment that is questionable; however, I think it is important to always ask ourselves, “Is this ‘virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy’?” Then to seek after those things.

Your turn: How do you decide what is and isn’t appropriate to read? Where is the line between an enjoyable story (or movie) that has romance in it and one that is pornographic?

Side note: Deseret Book just released a new brand of book called “A Proper Romance.” This brand new genre promises romance “at its very best—and at its cleanest” that still provides all the feel-good thrills and butterflies of your favorite chick flicks. The first book, Edenbrooke, is a Heyeresque Regency that should please all Jane Austen fans, comes out this Tuesday.

For more information about Edenbrooke and to watch the book trailer, click here.

Young Men Lesson 11: "As I Have Loved You, Love One Another"

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:02:00 -0700

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "As disciples of Jesus Christ, our Master, we are called to support and heal rather than condemn." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Discussion Questions

• How could your behavior contribute to a quorum member not wanting to come to church or other activities? What can you and your quorum do to help resolve such a situation?

• What should you do if you feel you have been hurt by others’ bad decisions?

Excerpt from "'You Are My Hands,'" by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2010 General Conference:

A story is told that during the bombing of a city in World War II, a large statue of Jesus Christ was severely damaged. When the townspeople found the statue among the rubble, they mourned because it had been a beloved symbol of their faith and of God’s presence in their lives.

Experts were able to repair most of the statue, but its hands had been damaged so severely that they could not be restored. Some suggested that they hire a sculptor to make new hands, but others wanted to leave it as it was—a permanent reminder of the tragedy of war. Ultimately, the statue remained without hands. However, the people of the city added on the base of the statue of Jesus Christ a sign with these words: “You are my hands.”

We Are the Hands of Christ

There is a profound lesson in this story. When I think of the Savior, I often picture Him with hands outstretched, reaching out to comfort, heal, bless, and love. And He always talked with, never down to, people. He loved the humble and the meek and walked among them, ministering to them and offering hope and salvation.

That is what He did during His mortal life; it is what He would be doing if He were living among us today; and it is what we should be doing as His disciples and members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

To read the full talk, click here.

Young Women Lesson 10: Supporting Family Members

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 00:03:00 -0700

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time. Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Discussion Questions

• Think about members of your family that need support right now. What can you do to show love and support for them?

• What can we do to love and support family members who may not be living the gospel?

Excerpt from "Of Things That Matter Most," by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, October 2010 General Conference:

As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most, we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves. As we evaluate our own lives with a willing mind, we will see where we have drifted from the more excellent way. The eyes of our understanding will be opened, and we will recognize what needs to be done to purify our heart and refocus our life.

First, our relationship with God is most sacred and vital. We are His spirit children. He is our Father. He desires our happiness. As we seek Him, as we learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, as we open our hearts to the influence of the Holy Spirit, our lives become more stable and secure. We experience greater peace, joy, and fulfillment as we give our best to live according to God’s eternal plan and keep His commandments.

We improve our relationship with our Heavenly Father by learning of Him, by communing with Him, by repenting of our sins, and by actively following Jesus Christ, for “no man cometh unto the Father, but by [Christ].” 10 To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful time alone with Him. Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study, always aiming to be worthy of a current temple recommend—these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. Let us heed the invitation in Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God.” 11

Our second key relationship is with our families. Since “no other success can compensate for failure” 12 here, we must place high priority on our families. We build deep and loving family relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time. Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other. We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities. We establish a divine bond with each other as we approach God together through family prayer, gospel study, and Sunday worship.

To read the full talk, click here.

Elder Patrick Kearon of the Seventy speaks of love on Valentine's Day

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 09:18:00 -0700

source: news.byu.edu

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Elder Patrick Kearon, a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy, wished students as he began Tuesday’s devotional. And then he spoke to them about messages of love.

When he was 10 years old, Elder Kearon went to boarding school in England while his parents lived in Saudi Arabia. Each week, he anxiously looked forward to a letter his mother would send, full of love, reassurance and advice.

How to Avoid Criticism in Relationships

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 00:05:00 -0700

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: What better way to say "Happy Valentine's Day" than by taking steps to improve your relationship? Criticism is a damaging communication pattern, and every relationship can benefit from removing it.

We live in a society where criticism has become the norm and respect a thing of the past. This is, in my professional opinion, one of the primary reasons families across the United States are deteriorating.

What does criticism look like? We are critical when we communicate our concerns in a way that can be interpreted as personally attacking or blaming. For example: “Why didn’t you call me when you were coming home late? Didn’t you realize that I was waiting for you? You always put work ahead of me and the kids. You never think about how your actions impact other people.” Clearly, there is a valid concern that may need to be expressed, but the way in which the concern was presented was very personally attacking and blaming.

Criticism is detrimental to relationships for several reasons. First, if you are critical with family members, they may feel belittled. No one likes to feel attacked, and as a result they will become defensive. It doesn’t motivate them to want to change; it only motivates them to defend themselves and save face.

Feeling belittled is especially difficult for children to deal with. When they are criticized, their character is threatened. They may begin to feel poorly about themselves. For example, many self-esteem struggles experienced by children are rooted in critical remarks directed toward them. The sting of criticism can be felt much longer than you may think.

Second, you may regret what you say later. At the time you make critical comments, you likely feel justified in saying the remark. However, it is your emotions that are talking when you are in the heat of the moment. If you are frustrated, irritated, or in some other emotionally charged state, you lose your ability to be rational and objective. Emotions can calm with time. As they do, your ability to be rational will return and you will see how the emotions got the better of you. I love the line in the popular film You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks’s character remarks: “When you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.” Even if you may think the other person deserves the zinger you give them, later on you will likely regret what was said.

Third, criticism leads to contempt and resentment. If you are critical with a loved one, they may be patient and forgiving initially. However, research has shown that feeling repeatedly criticized fuels resentment and contempt. Research also highlights that resentment and contempt are extremely toxic to any relationship. Hence, criticism is a catalyst to poisoning relationships.

If you are too critical of loved ones or if they are too critical with you, it is time for a change. Seeking the assistance of a professional may be necessary if the criticism is deeply rooted and habitual. However, you can move past it if you are willing to put forth the effort. So make that effort—the well-being of your family may depend on it.

Ways to Avoid Criticism

Complain without blame. Blaming is at the core of every criticism. If you express frustrations without pointing a finger at another, criticism can be avoided.

Express your frustrations about situations, actions, or behaviors. Human tendency is to focus on how people are bothering us or causing problems rather than the behavioral manifestations that frustrate us. For example, someone may make a critical remark such as “Why can’t you clean up after yourself?” A better way to say it would be, “I feel frustrated about how messy the house is.” The latter example focuses on the situation, rather than the person.

State positive needs. People tend to focus on what they don’t want others to do anymore. For example, a person may say to his or her spouse, “You need to stop playing on the computer all day.” The positive need is likely a desire to have more time and attention from the spouse. A positive need request would be, “I would appreciate more one-on-one time in our relationship.”

Jonathan Swinton is an LDS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He accepts self and Bishop referrals, and is available to provide marriage and family therapy services and weekend couple retreats to anyone interested. He is also available to speak on marriage issues at Relief Society and Ward events. Contact him at Swinton Counseling: 801-647-9951, swintoncounseling.com.

{Poll} Waiting for Missionaries

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Ashley Evanson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We've been counseled time and again that "waiting" for missionaries isn't a good idea, for anyone involved. And yet, it's a fairly common and accepted practice in Mormondom. I’m no exception; I sent a boy off on his mission with great intentions to wait for him. But I didn’t. I wrote him his whole mission, but got married just a few weeks before he came home. (Something we’re both glad about because we’re happily married to other people.)

Then there’s the other side of the story. My sister was dating a great guy who was ready to marry her when she told him she was going on a mission. He sent her off (sadly, I’m sure), and told her he would wait. And he did. They’ve now been married for a year.

So here’s my question about the whole thing: How do you feel about people sending off missionaries, telling them they’ll wait? Is it fair to the missionary to read distracting love letters? What about for the person waiting--do they feel guilty for dating other people?

Take our poll and leave a comment below.

Young Men Lesson 8: "Honour Thy Father"

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:03:00 -0700

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "Love is the measure of our faith, the inspiration for our obedience, and the true altitude of our discipleship." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Discussion Questions

• How has your father influenced your life for good?

• What are some qualities your father has that you would like to emulate in your life?

Excerpt from "The Love of God" by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, October 2009 General Conference:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is continually growing and becoming better known throughout the world. Although there will always be those who stereotype the Church and its members in a negative way, most people think of us as honest, helpful, and hardworking. Some have images of clean-cut missionaries, loving families, and friendly neighbors who don’t smoke or drink. We might also be known as a people who attend church every Sunday for three hours, in a place where everyone is a brother or a sister, where the children sing songs about streams that talk, trees that produce popcorn, and children who want to become sunbeams.

Brothers and sisters, of all the things we want to be known for, are there attributes above all others that should define us as members of His Church, even as disciples of Jesus Christ? Since our last general conference six months ago, I have pondered this and similar questions. Today I would like to share with you some thoughts and impressions that have come as a result of that inquiry. The first question is:

How Do We Become True Disciples of Jesus Christ?

The Savior Himself provided the answer with this profound declaration: “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” This is the essence of what it means to be a true disciple: those who receive Christ Jesus walk with Him.

But this may present a problem for some because there are so many “shoulds” and “should nots” that merely keeping track of them can be a challenge. Sometimes, well-meaning amplifications of divine principles—many coming from uninspired sources—complicate matters further, diluting the purity of divine truth with man-made addenda. One person’s good idea—something that may work for him or her—takes root and becomes an expectation. And gradually, eternal principles can get lost within the labyrinth of “good ideas.”

To read the full talk, click here.

{Single Saints} Confronting Cupid: For Singles on Valentine's Day

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I've heard Valentine's Day also called Singles Awareness Day (or, more appropriately, SAD). It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom for the single, though, no matter what Cupid says.

My original intention in writing this blog was to make a list of things you could do if you’re single in Valentine’s Day to take your mind off your lack of a lover. I meant to suggest that should you find yourself bereft of a boyfriend or girlfriend on this auspicious day, you could bake cookies with your roommates, learn to play the bagpipes, or use the time to finalize your zombie apocalypse preparedness plans. My suggestions were ridiculous—and then I realized it’s because the entire concept is ridiculous.

My suggestions were designed with the idea in mind that if you’re single on Valentine’s Day, you’re missing out—like you’re locked in your room while all your friends are in the middle of a pool party, forced to find ways to entertain yourself in lieu of real fun. Of course we all want someone; we all want companionship and love and babies and chocolates and cuddling and cute little “his/hers” bracelets. But we don’t have to feel excluded. That stuff will come. For now, just have fun.

That’s the message I decided to go with. If you’re single on Valentine’s, there’s no reason to mope. If you have the desire to gather your roommates and watch all of Lost while drowning in assorted treats of dubious nutritional value on this special day, go on ahead. But don’t do it because you’re single and depressed. Do it because you’re enjoying life.

We can remind ourselves on Valentine’s that our Facebook status perpetually lists us as single, but we shouldn’t dwell on it. It’ll all work out in the end. There’s nothing wrong with being single, and you know it. Have a good Valentine’s Day, and don’t treat your activities like consolation prizes. Maybe you’d rather be dating right now, but until then, live your life. Don’t stare out the window while morosely watching Cupid spread his arrows. Pick up an errant arrow and shove it right up Cupid’s cherubic nose.

The One Thing Men Wish Wives Knew but Can't Tell

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:07:00 -0700

by Connie Sokol
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In time for Valentine's Day, find out the thing men most wish their wives knew - and find ways to show him a little bit more of the same Christian heart.

In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, the author asked 400 Christian men, ages 21 to 75, in a national survey what they wished their wives knew, but couldn't tell them. They could have said anything, and did—more understanding, respect, sex, and taking care of herself. But even when a man could have finally had the ultimate say, the number one thing he wished his wife knew was this: how much he loved her.

Coming in double the percentage over any other response, I was amazed. Though men had real concerns, this was their biggest. In a similar survey to women, I’m guessing it could have been a laundry list of “You shoulds” fighting for the number one spot. So what can we do this month to show our husbands a little bit of the same Christian heart? Maybe taking a look at the lower items on the survey might help.

Make an effort to look your best. Keeping up with the schedules of many children, never mind with the effects of having borne them, sometimes we women are guilty of saying, “Well, we’re married for eternity, so he’ll just have to deal with it.” Yes, our husbands love us, but they’re men, and what says love to them is trying to look our best. No need to be a Victoria Secret model. One man said, “We need to see that you care about keeping our attention on you—and off other women. It helps if I see my wife purposefully working toward staying in shape.” Note: working toward. None of the men felt a woman had to be a skinny-minny. If a woman did her hair and makeup and she looked confident and comfortable in her own skin, they felt proud to be with her.

Understand his major conflict: provide for the family--and spend more time with them. As women, it can be difficult to appreciate the daily struggle this is for a man. As one surveyor said, “I feel confused. You want me home more, yet you want a new house, nice things, income, etc. I feel like I am pushing two big rocks uphill.” It’s similar to women wanting to look good but also bear and raise children—it’s a give and take. So the more we can comfort, appreciate, and specifically thank him, the more he can spend energy on being efficient and creative in how to approach the problem, rather than feel guilty and resentful. A few times I wrote cards to my husband thanking him for all he did to balance the “rocks.” One day I noticed he had kept those cards in his office, and he keeps nothing! This said volumes to me about how much he needed that validation.

Make yourself available for intimacy. For women, this is likely the most difficult. One Christian author said: “I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs . . . by the end of the day I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met? If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word . . . I soon realized I regularly said ‘no’ to the one thing he asked of me. I’d been so focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my hubby out of the picture” (Today’s Christian Woman, March/April 2002). Physical intimacy is love to men, not abstract need-filling as women sometimes think. To put it in simple terms, imagine being told to go without chocolate—for days, even weeks—when you really, really need it. So this week, perhaps make yourself more available and let him know you love him in the way he needs to feel it.

Consider what you would have put in that survey—the one thing you wish your husband knew—I know I have. Reflect on the goodness of good men, and what you can do to show love to your good man this coming month.

Connie Sokol is a mother of six—expecting her seventh—and a presenter, former TV and radio host, and author of several books, including Faithful, Fit & Fabulous. For tips, columns, and books, visit www.8basics.com.

Losing a Spouse

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:06:00 -0700

by Ashley Evanson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Everyone in this life experiences death, but it’s still incredible how personal it is, especially if the person you’ve lost is your spouse. These are some thoughts from those who have been there.

When you lose a spouse, you wonder, How can life possibly go on? How am I supposed to get through this? How am I even supposed to get out of bed?

It’s hard, but you can do it, even if “doing it” means making it to the grocery store in your pajamas. Be patient. Time doesn’t make things entirely better, but it does make them easier. Here’s some advice on how to cope with your new life or how to treat someone who has recently lost a spouse, from widows and widowers who have already been there.

If You’ve Lost a Spouse

Don’t Lose Your Testimony

“Don’t be mad at God,” says Carmen Crane Peterson, who lost her husband at age 31. “Don’t blame it on Him and then stop going to church. For me, it was the gospel that got me through it.”

Peterson has several friends who stopped going to church after their spouses died, and their lives are now a mess. Staying active in the Church and keeping her testimony were the most important aspects of her healing process.

Join a Widow/Widower Group

This group can be a professional counseling group run by therapists or an informal group of people who get together as friends.“That helped me because . . . I didn’t feel like I was so alone. There were actually people who survived,” Peterson says.

She recommends going on vacations with these friends, grabbing lunch together, or planning other fun activities with them to get your mind off of the hard things, if even for a short while.

But be careful not to treat the group as a crutch. At first you will need it to heal, but there will come a point when you’ll need to start dealing with your new life on your own, says Kelly Kimber, who lost his wife at age 45. “The longer I stayed in my widow/widower group, the longer I stayed hooked into the whole philosophy of ‘I’m a widower, I’ve lost my wife, poor me.’ I chose to break away from that group and that was like the next phase of being able to move on.”

Exercise

“If you let yourself, you can stay in bed all day and just sleep,” Peterson says. “For me, exercise was a way to get out and get myself out of bed.” In addition, exercise produces endorphins that can help with the grief. It can make you a little bit happier, even if it just lasts for a day.

Don’t Rush into Relationships

“I started dating way too soon and basically had an emotional meltdown,” Kimber says.

A lot of people think they are ready to start dating within that first year, but when they look back, they realize they weren’t. In his experience, friends who have remarried within a year of their spouse’s death are almost all divorced or are unhappily married. The loneliness made them fill the void, but in the end, they weren’t emotionally ready for such a big decision. “You need time to heal. If you try to move forward before you’re ready, it just creates a whole bunch of other problems.”

Read a Self-Help Book

Books on grief and losing a spouse can bring a new perspective to your suffering and show you ways other widows and widowers dealt with their losses. A few of Peterson’s favorite books include The Message by Lance Richardson and Making Sense of Suffering by Wayne E. Brickey.

Don’t Feel Obligated to Comfort Others

“People are going to come to you because they are grieving and they want comfort,” says Michelle Johnson, who lost her spouse at age 37. “They want to see you be okay so that they can be okay. But it is not your job to comfort them and make them feel better.” She recalls trying to put on a happy face and make others feel better about her husband’s death, but it became exhausting and she felt like she was never able to grieve herself. Once she stopped trying to comfort others, her healing process began.

Be Careful with Your Physical Emotions

A lot of people are unprepared for the physical desires that don’t shut off once their spouse is gone, Kimber says. He warns against letting those emotions control your actions. “You’re so vulnerable and lonely, and you just want to be held by somebody.” But these feelings can be dangerous if you’re not extremely careful and aware of your limits.

Don’t Make Big Decisions, Yet

Don’t move, get rid of your spouse’s things, change your environment, or make major financial decisions for at least a year, Johnson says. Try to keep some sort of stability in your life. The first while can be a very emotional time, and some of these decisions can’t be undone. You don’t ever want to regret something you did in an emotional state.

Realize People Don’t Mean to Say Hurtful Things

Friends and associates don’t know what to say but oftentimes feel like they have to say something, so they end up saying unintentionally hurtful things. “Recognize that unless you have lost a spouse, it’s difficult to understand. Give people the benefit of the doubt because most people don’t mean to hurt you,” Kimber says. If you get upset every time somebody says something stupid, you’re going to be upset a lot, and it’s just not worth it.

Don’t Feel Guilty for Surviving

A lot of spouses feel guilty for moving on and being happy, but your late spouse wouldn’t want you to sit around and cry all day forever, Johnson says. Life goes on, and you can either stay at home and cry

or start living your life again when you’re ready. It’s okay to have fun and smile. Just because you’re happy again doesn’t mean you never loved your spouse.

If Someone You Love Has Lost a Spouse

Avoid Asking Cliché Questions

“How are you doing?” is Johnson’s least favorite question in the world. “How am I supposed to answer that?” she says. “If people really wanted to know how I was doing, they would ask specific questions like, ‘Are you eating?’ and ‘How are you sleeping?’ and then they would try to help me fix whatever specific problems I was having.”

Understand That Everyone Grieves Differently

Some people are back to normal within months, but for others, it takes years. “Be sensitive to the way people handle their grief,” Peterson says. Everybody’s situation and marriage is different, and both affect the grieving time.

Offer Specific Help

Phrases like “Call me if you need help” and “Let me know if I can do anything” can be unhelpful to a widow or widower because they don’t know what kind of help they really need. “I felt so overwhelmed and I needed someone else to take charge,” Johnson says. She loved it when friends made appointments to come over and help with chores, meals, or just to talk. If you don’t set a specific time and date, the widow or widower will likely never follow through.

Don’t Compare Your Experiences with Death to Theirs

A lot of people with good intentions try to make a widow feel better by saying something like “I know how you feel.” Even if you, too, have lost a spouse, you can’t compare your loss to someone else’s. Every marriage, every relationship, and every situation is different, so comparing your experience to theirs is likely to hurt feelings rather than heal them. It’s best to just say something like “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Invite Them to Social Gatherings

When someone loses a spouse, they lose more than a husband or a wife—they lose their identity. They’re no longer a husband or a wife, a couple, or a traditional family unit. Suddenly, they feel like they don’t belong anywhere anymore. Johnson says she lost a lot of couple friends when her husband died. “You go from a full social life to nothing.” She recommends inviting them to social gatherings just like you would have if their spouse were still alive.

Helping a Child Who Has Lost a Parent

Get Your Kids in Counseling

Most kids need some kind of therapy, but they’re not old enough to make that decision for themselves. As their parent, you need to take charge and get them help. Group therapy can help them see that there are other kids in their shoes. If your children can see other kids who have lost parents still having fun, it gives them permission to have fun, too.

Let Them Talk

Allow your kids to talk about their deceased parent, even if it’s emotionally hard for you. The last thing you want to do is pretend like your spouse never existed.

Don’t Let Your Kids Lose Another Parent

“Unfortunately, I became a recluse, so my kids not only lost their mom, but their dad [too],” Kimber says. As he was mourning, he pulled away from everyone, including his kids. He warns other widows and widowers not to be physically or emotionally absent for your kids. They need you more than anything right now.

Celebrate Their Parent’s Life

Let them help plan celebrations or memorials for special days like birthdays, the death day, or Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Let them pick what they feel comfortable doing and allow them to express their love in their own way.

For more insights on life after the death of a spouse, check out our online essay, "Higher Places in Paradise," from S. Michael Wilcox, who lost his wife to cancer last year.

Higher Places in Paradise

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:05:00 -0700

by S. Michael Wilcox
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: After losing my wife to cancer, I had to learn to live, love, and grieve all at the same time. I'm still learning to feel my way without her physically beside me, but I am learning more of the deeper meaning of eternal love.

Click here to read our article on losing a spouse--whether you have or someone you know is struggling--and how to cope.

Love is a redeeming emotion and grief is love’s shadow. I am now living in that shadow, the diminished light cast upon me by the death of my wife a short eight months ago. These have been days of pain and, yes, fear and questioning, but also of profound love felt in previously undiscovered depths of my soul.

I kept a small notebook near me during my wife’s battle with cancer and her eventual passing. I tried to record what I was learning about living and loving and grieving. I did not initially intend it for publication but was reminded that we are under divine injunction to mourn with those who mourn and offer what comforts we can. To that end, and by way of tribute to the woman I love, I wrote the book Sunset, my own passage through the landscape of a loved one’s passing, desiring that it might lift others who share the path with me or who will one day find themselves on our road, hoping someone left a few signposts to help them find their way. Grief is a searching, desiring emotion. It is the heart’s hunger—the soul reaching out to the limits of mortality’s boundaries.

Writing of Laurie helped to open the windows of my soul and let some of the sadness depart. Both love and sorrow are meant to be shared—love that it may grow and sorrow that it may diminish. Writing was a continued sharing of life, with the paradox that when I finished, it was like losing her a second time. My world was thinner. Yet, a wonderful Muslim friend of ours told me, “When we speak lovingly of those who have passed, we lift them to higher and higher places in paradise.” That was comforting. Sunset was my lifting.

I wrote that others may find in a shared experience permission to feel what they feel, realizing others truly do understand. Life now has a strange, unfamiliar quality to it. I’m on a stage in someone else’s play. I act out my roles. I interact with the other players. I say my lines and execute my entrances and exits. It’s a good play, certainly not a tragedy, and the scenes are filled with wonderful people and much joy, even laughter. But the genuine life, the loving life, is somewhere else. I wait for the play to end. The other actors will go home, the crowds will thin, and I will see her waiting in the wings. We’ll walk off together, Laurie and I, and have toast and hot chocolate in the kitchen.

I have watched countless sunsets in the past months, many of them over the ocean. As the sun nears the horizon, it spreads a narrow golden ribbon of reflected light across the water. It shimmers like an inviting pathway reaching my feet. I have thought many an evening that one day I will step out onto that shining, beckoning stretch of light and walk out over the ocean, past the waves, past the horizon and into the sunset. Laurie will come to meet me, reach out her hands, and grief will end. Until that day, I search for her in other ways. Perhaps my searching will help others.

There is a love that is developed between two people who look across at each other and love what they see. It is found in the face and features, in the heart, hair, soul, and mind which each accepts as a gift from the other. But all this is enhanced by the love that unites when both look from each other to something else and each loves what the eyes see equally.

Our marriage was more than just us. It was everything we both found dear, or satisfying, or comic, or lovable. It was the Shakespeare Festival, and Chinese art, the sea cliffs of Ireland, and the red rock hiking trails of Southern Utah. It was BBC mini-series and Poirot mysteries, orange juice with popcorn and French toast in the morning. I am learning to reach for this love, the warm flowing over the soul, the quiet awareness of someone looking with me. It is akin to retrieving an early morning dream or a forgotten lyric which trembles just on the rim of the mind.

I am also learning the deeper meaning of that eternal love which begins with two kneeling souls in a temple. We speak of the everlasting nature of love, its infinite scope. I always imagined it as stretching down the long corridor of welcoming time, past setting suns and turning galaxies, but my vision was always a future one of time unspent. Now I feel it pulling me backwards, through every moment of her childhood, her growing preparatory years, the seasons of dolls and dances, first lipstick and earrings, times I did not share with her but were now as precious as if I had always known her, always loved her, had never lived without her. I sense in this backward yearning that when the day comes that veils and closed doors will part and open and our sight search forgotten time that the reach of love will encompass all the eons of the past so that eventually there will never be a time when I did not love her.

I am not speaking of the belief that we knew each other in a pre-mortal life. It is not that! But something deeper, more holy, first created in the temple, at the altar where the eternal motion towards both future and past begins its infinite longing reach. Was she ever not there? Was there ever a time I did not love her? No, it seems in this that love is retrospective and captures all the moments of the past and makes them part of the now, one eternal round, all things in the present, time in perfect wholeness, union before union. Ironically, it is death, the perceived ender of things that has given me this gift of enhanced ages.

With that vision I offer to all my own deepest prayer.

“We mourn, Father, be with us in our mourning! Though thy scriptures so triumphantly ask, ‘O death, where is thy sting?’ we know where to find it. We love, Father, help us in our loving. Teach us to walk the path that leads forward, into the arms of those we long for.”

Made with LOVE

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:29:00 -0700

source: youtube.com

Mormon Life says: A beautiful story of how one BYU grad student has worked with special-ed students to develop marketable skills THEY want to develop - and how they have risen to her high expectations.

Single Women: How to Get More Attention, Affection, and Commitment Now

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Alisa Snell, Dating Expert
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: To ensure that 2012 is the year that you get love, attention, and affection, avoid these five common dating mistakes and apply these five secrets for success instead.

A single woman may mistakenly believe:

if she walks across the room to meet a man, he’ll be more interested in her;

if she is excessively and easily available, he’ll want her;

if she is his friend, he’ll eventually fall in love with her;

if she takes care of him, he’ll appreciate her;

if she provides sex, he’ll commit to her.

Although women who believe these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. And the reason why is simple: Men love through sacrifice (theirs, not hers).

Men love through sacrifice

Many women prevent men from making sacrifices by doing too much of the work. When you give him your number before he asks for it, call him, drop plans to be with him, hang out (instead of expecting him to take you on dates), do things for him, and (worse yet) act sexual with him, you deny him the privilege of sacrificing for you. The more deeply a man sacrifices the more deeply he loves. Thus, the more you do for him, the less he does for you, and the less he feels for you.

To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .

Use your femininity and warmth to encourage a man to invest in you. Smile and wave at him from across the room. Engage fully in conversations with him. Learn and use his name, smile at him, and touch him when talking with him. Accept his offers to open a door, carry something, or help you (and show gratitude when he does). And instead of lingering too long, leave him with a challenge by stating you need to go but would like to get to know him better - then walk away, trusting he'll ask for your number if he's interested.

Show more faith in him and his sincere interest in you by not being immediately available. Strike a balance between being excessively available and too busy for him by responding to his calls within 20 minutes to 2 hours. And when responding to pointless texts, text back with “Sorry. I’m pretty busy right now. But I would love to talk with you on the phone later today. I will be available between 6 and 7 p.m. I’d love it if you call me then :-) .” And when he asks for a date at the last minute, respond warmly by saying, “I’m so sad. I’m not available tonight, but I’d love to get together with you on Tuesday.”

Save your weekends for dates (not guy friends). Show men that you are happy and confident by making plans and doing fun things with others. If he asks to spend time with you at the last minute (and especially on the weekends), kindly say, “I’m sorry to ask, but I don’t know how to act unless I know: would this be hanging out or a date? The reason I ask is because I save my weekends for dates.” Pause and wait for his response. If he says it’s a date, say “Great!” and accept. If he says it’s hanging out, act warm and unaffected and say, “Thanks, that helps. I’m sorry, but I'll need to take a rain check. I’m sure you understand.” Then smile and walk confidently away, with gratitude that you discovered the truth and can give the best of yourself to only those men who invest in dating you.

Match his efforts, don’t exceed them. Men like to be the hunters, not the hunted, yet they will gladly let you take over and do all the work if you’re willing. To ensure that he becomes (and remains) fully engaged in the relationship, step back and follow his lead instead. Wait for his call rather than calling him (do return his calls when he leaves a message). If he calls you three or four times, then call, text, or email him on occasion to show him that you will invest too. Just don’t do these things more often than he does or he’ll feel less of a need to contact you (assuming that you will contact him soon anyway).

Stand strong relative to your feelings, rights, needs, and values. Men like women who like themselves. They also like women who express their feelings, rights, and needs in a feminine, constructive, and positive way (rather than in a criticizing, nagging, or whining way). Most men will not only honor the boundaries you set, but they will also respect and value you more because you express them and stand firmly behind them. A man who doesn’t respect your feelings and boundaries is usually a man who lacks empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility, which are the core warning signs of a manipulative and abusive personality. This type of man is not interested in loving and valuing you. You are a means to his own ends. So stand on firm, but loving, ground (especially when it comes to your moral boundaries).

Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.

To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit ItsYourTechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.