Mormon Life - Hot Topics tag

{LDSL Blog} Talking About Same-sex Attraction

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:06:00 -0600

by Jamie Lawson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In our May/June 2012 issue, we published an article about same-sex attraction that has evoked a wide range of responses. Here’s why we chose to do it.

The decision to publish an article about same-sex attraction in LDS Living was not made lightly. To be honest, I lost a fair amount of sleep over this story wondering how it would be received by our readers and if, in the end, it would be worth the risk.

We knew that many people, both inside and outside of the Church, would be uncomfortable or even offended by the topic. We also knew that by sharing their story, Ty and Danielle Mansfield would be subjecting themselves to scrutiny and criticism—something they were fully prepared to do. But we strongly believed that by running this story, we could accomplish three goals:

Facilitate within the Mormon culture a conversation about SSA.

Increase understanding and compassion for those experiencing SSA.

Give hope and encouragement to Church members who themselves are struggling with SSA.

This article was not meant to stir up controversy for the sake of controversy. And it definitely isn’t suggesting that there is a “magic formula” for everyone dealing with this issue. Rather, it gives an honest look into the heart and mind of a man with same-sex attraction who also has a firm testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and is doing everything in his power to live it. Since Ty had previously resigned himself to the fact that he would never marry in this life, I found it fascinating and touching to learn how Ty and Danielle’s love story unfolded and how they keep their marriage on solid ground. And judging from the responses we have received, it seems many of our readers did, too.

That’s not to say that we haven’t received a fair amount of criticism—we certainly have. But as Ty and I have shared the feedback we’ve received, both positive and negative, it’s clear that we have accomplished our goals. We have received e-mails, Facebook messages, and handwritten letters from Church members who are secretly battling with SSA, from bishops who are doing their best to counsel members dealing with this issue, and even from members who don’t struggle with it but have been inspired by Ty and Danielle to work harder to strengthen their marriages. The messages have been deeply personal and heartfelt, expressing pain and sorrow, as well as renewed hope and faith, and I’m grateful that they took the time to tell us how the story has affected them.

So was it worth the risk? Absolutely. To know that even one person has been touched by Ty and Danielle’s story, and to know that LDS Living had the privilege of being a small part of it, makes it all worthwhile. Thank you, Ty and Danielle, for your honesty and courage. I know many of us are better people because of it.

- -

Jamie Lawson is managing editor of LDS Living magazine. She has two adorable boys who help her stay up to date on the latest technology, fashion trends, and catch phrases.

Living with Same-sex Attraction: Our Story

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by Ty and Danielle Mansfield
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In 2003, Ty Mansfield wrote an essay for a class at BYU about how he—a member of the LDS Church who has experienced same-sex attraction—had found peace through the gospel of Jesus Christ. That essay resulted in a book, In Quiet Desperation, that made Ty's private struggle public. In 2011 he published an anthology on the same topic, Voices of Hope: Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction.

Editor's note:

Same-sex attraction is a sensitive and complex issue. We feel it is important to try to understand how we can better meet the needs of friends, family, and Church members who experience SSA. Ty and Danielle graciously shared the following story as a first step in creating a more open dialogue about same-gender attraction in the LDS community. We are in no way suggesting marriage is a catch-all solution; we recognize everyone’s experience is different. This is simply one man’s story of finding fulfillment and happiness while living in harmony with the gospel.

I hadn’t originally intended to be so open about my feelings of same-sex attraction. When I was first approached about the possibility of including some thoughts in In Quiet Desperation, I was hesitant. Although I had worked through a crisis of faith around the issue and felt a lot of peace, I was quite private about whom I opened up to. I still felt some shame given the cultural taboo around it and I was concerned about how people would respond.

However, I also knew that through my experience I had gained some spiritual insights I hoped could be of help to others. I agreed to tell my story with the assumption that, if it were published, I would use a pseudonym. I felt trust in the love the Lord had for me and in the path I was on, but I didn’t have the same trust in people, given the climate of cultural attitudes around this issue. The thought of blowing the doors off my privacy felt so overwhelmingly vulnerable that I just didn’t feel I could go there.

As the book was going through the editing process, the theme of being a witness started to show up more frequently in my personal scripture study. I kept thinking of Alma’s declaration that covenant disciples are to “stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that [they] may be in” (Mosiah 18:9). The Spirit impressed upon me that the power of my witness would be diminished if I used anything other than my real name. I felt there was only one right choice for me in that particular situation.

On Marriage

I had pretty much concluded that I probably wouldn’t marry in this life, and I had come to a place where I was okay with that. I had let go of any personal or cultural pressure to marry and was content to stay single. Then I had an experience in which I felt prompted to continue to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for the blessing of marriage and leave the rest to the Lord. As much as I felt I wouldn’t marry, I tried to leave it an open question and to trust in God. I felt good about that spiritually, but I continued to experience some emotional ups and downs.

Some time after that, I was earnestly seeking additional divine guidance. I was feeling frustration around some deep emotional connections I had developed with another guy, and it hurt that I couldn’t have what a part of me really wanted. I needed some spiritual reassurance. It was general conference time, so I wrote down some of my most heartfelt questions and went into the Saturday morning session fasting.

As soon as the opening prayer was given, I was completely enveloped by this spiritual feeling. I hardly remember anything that was said during the session, but the feeling was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. For nearly two hours, all the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the frustration were completely gone. In their place was this feeling of divine love I had also never experienced. As a part of that, there was a feeling of what I perceived as pure celestial love and desire to be with a daughter of God in the most holy, connected, and uniting of ways. The world’s portrayal of love and romance seemed so shallow and “false” in comparison. With the feeling came the words: “Just stay with me. If you do, this is the feeling you will someday feel—and it will be a permanent part of your being.” And then suddenly, as the end of the session approached, the feeling left. I didn’t know how I would eventually grow into that feeling as an integral part of my being, but I trusted that God would lead me there.

I experienced some gradual change over time as I continued to try to stay close to and be led by the Spirit and as I sought other various means of personal growth. As I did so, I went from believing I probably wouldn’t marry in this life, to believing I probably would marry but later rather than sooner, to then believing it would be sooner rather than later, until I finally met Danielle and had a strong impression that she was the woman I would marry.

In this area and so much of my life, I feel I’ve had to live the principle President Boyd K. Packer taught of going to “the edge of the light and [stepping] into the darkness to discover that the way is lighted ahead for just a footstep or two” (That All May Be Edified (1982), 340). We have to put Him first today, taking the necessary steps of faith today, and simply trust Him to take care of tomorrow. It’s only been through my learning and living that principle that the Lord has slowly been revealing to me His plan for my life.

On Danielle

During my freshman year at BYU, the year before my mission, I sang in the BYU Men’s Chorus with Danielle’s brother Clint. We got to be friends, and he would invite me to sing with him and his brothers on various occasions. On one occasion he asked if I’d sing with them at the mission farewell of his twin sister, Olivia.

That was when I met the whole family. I remember being briefly introduced to Danielle, but that was about it. More than anything, there was this overwhelming impression of the goodness of that family. I loved all of them.

I left on my mission shortly after that, and eventually I lost touch with their family. After graduating and spending a few years in D.C., I decided to change careers and go back to graduate school. I felt impressed to move back to Utah to do my prereqs at BYU. I was also dating a girl from Salt Lake at the time, and I knew if anything were going to happen, we needed to live in proximity. Within weeks of my moving back to Utah, that relationship ended. Around the same time, I was running some errands, and, while waiting in a checkout line, I heard, “Are you Ty Mansfield?” I looked over and there was Danielle.

Excited to get a Palmer family update, I chatted with Danielle for a few minutes, and she told me what her family members were up to. That was our only contact until we reconnected again a couple years later via Facebook and would occasionally write on each other’s Facebook wall for birthdays and such. She always had cute, witty things to say. After a handful of brief, friendly Facebook exchanges over the next year or two, I thought a date couldn’t hurt.

It had been a long time since I’d had a desire to take anyone out. There was something this time that was different for me. I still don’t know if I can put my finger on what was happening, but I felt this sense of the Spirit working on my heart, preparing me for the possibility of marriage.

Living in Texas, however, I knew the only opportunity to take Danielle out would be when I came home to visit for Christmas break. So during that break between semesters, I took her out several times.

It was interesting because dating and nurturing a relationship had never felt so easy for me. I felt this distinct spiritual undercurrent through every step of the process. I was drawn to Danielle in multiple ways, but the spiritual feeling of “rightness” seemed to be the driving force during this formative period. There wasn’t any talk, though, of a long-term relationship. I was leaving to go back to Texas, and she lived in Utah. A few days before I left, we talked about our mutual interest but ultimately didn’t know what to do other than to leave it an open question. However, I had a strong feeling this courtship was moving toward marriage.

A few weeks later, Danielle had a business trip close to where I was living in Texas, so she stopped over to visit me for several days. It was during that time that the unmistakable confirmation came. It wasn’t long before we were engaged, and we married a few months later. The day after our first wedding anniversary, we welcomed our first, beautiful little boy into our family: Gabriel Tanielu.

On the Response

There was a pretty negative response in the media when we announced our engagement, but it was through that experience that I realized just how good of a woman I was getting. I mean, I knew Danielle was a high-caliber woman, but her response to the scrutiny and criticism was inspiring to me. After I read one particular statement posted online, I just felt sad for her. I had gotten used to criticism from various camps and had developed a pretty thick skin. But I felt sad that she was being brought into the mix.

One statement in particular came out during a weekend when Danielle had flown back to Utah for wedding preparations while I was in school in Texas. The statement was aimed at discrediting me and our relationship and alluded to some things I had written a few years prior. After reading the statement, Danielle wrote me an e-mail. I already felt we had a pretty solid foundation for our relationship, but some of the things Danielle wrote confirmed that. It also confirmed to me that my efforts to cultivate the pure love I’d felt during my spiritual experience years earlier during that Saturday morning general conference session had borne fruit. She wrote:

“The one nice thing about looking at all of this stuff was that as I relooked at some of the things you had written, I felt that you love me now more than many people ever love their partners or spouses. Your love for me existed long before we ever went on our first date, because it was a love you were trying to cultivate with Christ as your example, before you even felt that marriage to a woman would be possible in this life. It was who you were trying to be.

“I think so many people rely on their hormones and/or their emotions to drive them that they get stuck feeling for their spouse whatever those things tell them to feel. And then if they try to feel otherwise, to love their spouse more than what hormones or emotions tell them to, they feel like they’re doing their spouse a favor rather than recognizing that they hadn’t understood how to truly love in the first place.

“I think that us coming into each other’s lives, feeling drawn to each other and attracted to who the other person was and is, and then deciding that we want to unite our lives and continue to care for and love each other and to build our love together all while striving to become more like Christ, as a team with Christ. . . . I feel sad for people who don’t get it and who have reduced love and marriage to a mere shadow of what it was intended to be and how beautiful it can be.”

On Making It Work

Even though that e-mail was written before Danielle and I were married, it encapsulates what we’ve been seeking to cultivate in our marriage since then and what has been the foundation of our relationship. And it’s been beautiful and rich and rewarding.

I think the greatest difficulties Danielle and I have experienced in our marriage are fairly typical of what most people experience—balancing work, school, family time, Church callings, and other interests; figuring out how to keep bills paid; etc. I think the joys have also been fairly typical of those that grow out of any healthy, gospel-centered relationship.

The thing I love most about my relationship with Danielle is the friendship we share. If there’s anyone who knows how to make me laugh, it’s Danielle. It’s one of the first things that drew me to her. We love to spend time with each other.

One of the greatest joys we’ve experienced has been the expansion of our family with little Gabriel. I know I’m biased, but I think he’s got to be the cutest kid ever born. I can’t look at him and not smile. There’s something so sacred and special about knowing that this little, eternal soul has been entrusted to our stewardship for his time on earth, and that we’ll be sealed together for the eternities.

Some have wondered how my openness about my experience with same-sex attraction will affect our family. When the time comes, we’ll figure out how to explain our story to our children. More than anything, I want them to know that they can talk about anything and that it’s okay to be honest about anything they feel or believe. If there is anything they struggle with, I don’t want them to feel shame about it. And I believe one of the most important ways to teach that kind of authenticity and openness is to model it.

Danielle’s Story

What Ty didn’t know until 12 years later is that the first time we met, my sister and I had specifically requested him to sing at her farewell. He had performed a solo in a Men’s Chorus concert a few months earlier, so we knew who he was. He had a beautiful tenor voice and he was incredibly good-looking, but that could have described a lot of men in the choir. There was something else about Ty. He stood out to us.

After we had met him, that feeling became even stronger. Ty had this innocence that was endearing. He was kind of shy, and it was obvious that he had no idea how good-looking he was. I was too timid myself to try to really get to know him, so I settled for having a crush from afar.

It must have been shortly after Ty’s move to D.C. that he came back on our family’s radar. I was in Deseret Book when, from across the room, a book caught my eye. On the cover was a headshot of a very attractive, clean-cut man in a shirt and tie. He had a bar across his eyes—the kind that ’80s journalists used in an effort to obscure a person’s identity. My curiosity got the best of me and I crossed the room, picked up the book, and read the cover: In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction. The authors were Fred and Marilyn Matis . . . and Ty Mansfield.

I was stunned. I knew there couldn’t be many Ty Mansfields and I felt sad thinking that all these years, Ty must have felt very alone as he dealt with this. I had never heard of anyone with same-sex attraction staying in the Church, so this was quite unusual. I bought the book and told my siblings about it. The general consensus was that our respect and appreciation for Ty had jumped exponentially. Naturally, there was a draw to know where he was and what he was up to, but you don’t exactly look someone up to say, “Hey, I never realized you experienced same-sex attraction. So what else is going on in your life?”

When we ran into each other at the store, he didn’t even remember who I was. At this point, almost 10 years had passed since my sister’s farewell. I knew Ty loved my family and that he would remember my siblings, so I reintroduced myself. When, again, a few years later, Ty asked if he could take me to dinner for my birthday over Christmas break, I was excited to catch up, but the possibility of his being interested in me never crossed my mind.

We went out several times, but I didn’t know we were going out on dates. I had recently gone out with a few other guys and I wasn’t looking for new dating options. I didn’t think Ty was either. I did enjoy spending time with him, and I missed him on the days we didn’t talk, so as he continued to ask me out, I continued to say yes. Four or five dates later, it suddenly hit me: “Is Ty Mansfield dating me . . . to date me?”

When I realized Ty was interested in me, it was kind of a shock. I didn’t know someone who experienced same-sex attraction could happily marry a member of the opposite sex. I had never heard of it happening. During Ty’s last week in Utah, I read everything I could on LDS mixed-orientation marriages and prayed a lot. I didn’t know what this would mean for the details of my life, but I felt peaceful and knew that I wanted to pursue it.

After I went to visit Ty in Texas, we decided to take a hiatus from talking and to focus for a week on fasting, praying, and pondering what we had experienced. On Saturday, we would each go to the temple where we were living, and then we would talk on Sunday. During the conversation on Sunday, we decided that I should move to Texas . . . in two weeks.

Because things progressed so quickly, I’m sure a lot of people thought we were crazy. Fortunately, my family already knew and loved Ty, so they were 100 percent supportive. My friends have been supportive too. Naturally, there were some who had questions about what it would mean for me to marry someone who experienced same-sex attraction, but once people knew I wasn’t worried, they didn’t worry either.

A few weeks before our wedding, people started blogging about Ty Mansfield marrying a woman. Someone created a website that was an open letter to me, telling me not to marry Ty and warning me that I would probably end up divorced and a single mom. It didn’t cause me to doubt or question, but I did feel saddened that one of the happiest events of my life was being sullied by other people’s issues. A lot of mean things were said about Ty. I had known early on that by marrying Ty, I was signing up for a life of some scrutiny, invasive questions, and less privacy than I would have preferred, and I agreed to the whole package . . . but no one likes to have unkind things said about them or the people they love.

Ty, on the other hand, was more worried about me. He had already been through similar experiences on his own, and he was hoping to shield me from that a little longer, but the only thing it served to do was dampen my spirits for a few hours. From the moment when I first read negative accounts of mixed-orientation marriages, I had a clear impression that these stories were not my own and that no one else’s story would impact mine; Ty and I would create our own story together.

I have no doubts or regrets about choosing to marry Ty. Early on, long before we were ever engaged, I felt a momentary flash of fear, but almost as quickly as it came, I felt a powerful, calm reassurance and the thought, “You can trust Ty. He is who he says he is. You know what you have felt.” The fear never returned.

People sometimes want to know what it’s like to be married to someone who experiences same-sex attraction. My answer is, I don’t know. What I do know is what it’s like to be married to Ty Mansfield, and I love it. I feel extremely blessed. Ty is a more loving and affectionate husband than I ever imagined I would find, and he is very patient with my weaknesses.

I have often said that same-sex attraction plays a big part in our lives because of the time Ty has invested in reaching out to others, but from my perspective, it isn’t noticeable in our marriage. I don’t ever think about my husband experiencing SSA unless something stereotypical comes up, like he is a much better decorator than I am and he is a better listener than any other man I’ve ever dated. I also feel like the difficulties associated with addressing SSA have made my husband who he is. They have refined him and drawn him closer to the Lord. His challenges also allowed us to start off our marriage with an ability to discuss things openly, which has been a great blessing.

People also occasionally ask how we’ll tell our children about our story. I don’t think we have a definitive answer yet, but I’m not concerned. We want our children to be emotionally healthy, for them to feel comfortable discussing anything in our home, and for sexuality to be a topic that is approached from a healthy place instead of from a place of taboo or embarrassment. We feel no shame about Ty’s experience with same-sex attraction. My only desire is that our children hear about this from us, rather than from a child of an acquaintance or friend. I’m giving myself at least a few more months to figure that one out since we have at least that long till our baby starts talking. When we do tell our children, they will have experienced already for themselves the stability of being in a family with parents who aren’t perfect, but who love each other and them very much. I imagine that the issue of same-sex attraction will be similar for our children as it is for us—it’s a piece of our story, but it is not the story. And so much of our story is still to be written.

For more information on this topic and resources on the web, visit some of the following links:

* Evergreen

* North Star

* God Loveth His Children (published by the Church in 2007)

* Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction (by Elder Holland)

* Interview with Elder Oaks on Same-Gender Attraction

For LDS parents of children who experience same-gender attraction, click here to read "Advice to Parents: Relating to Your Son or Daughter Experiencing Same-gender Attraction."

Ty Mansfield is a cofounder of the nonprofit organization North Star, a support organization for LDS individuals and families living with same-sex attraction. Visit northstarlds.org for more information.

Relating to Your Son or Daughter Experiencing Same-gender Attraction: Advice to Parents

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by M. Catherine Thomas
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In conjunction with today's featured article, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield (click here to read), we offer this excerpt specifically for LDS parents of children who experience homosexual feelings.

The following is an excerpt from Voices of Hope: Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction, taken from the chapter “Perspectives for Parents.” Click here to learn more.

Listening

As we look to our child, we may find it possible to identify some ways in which we have unwittingly made life more difficult for our child; and then we may consider offering a detailed apology. This is self-care as well as child care because our spirit knows when we have not measured up in a relationship; to heal ourselves, we have to come clean in the relationship. During this apology we will not mention the child’s failings, only our own. We will humbly ask forgiveness and ask how we can be more helpful. We will listen undefensively, as dispassionately as we can. Healing communication can then begin. Then, in addition to much listening, we may be able to share with our child, as time goes on, some points of view that can reassure both our child and us.

Shame and Guilt

Our child will likely be suffering from shame and feelings of unworthiness, even if he has not chosen to express his same-gender attraction sexually. He may have felt directly or indirectly the negativity, sometimes amounting to hatred and vitriol, being poured out, even by some members of the Church, on people dealing with same-gender attraction. His feelings of shame will interfere with his ability to draw close to the Lord for comfort.

Following are responses that two people have had as they have confronted both shame and guilt over their same-gender feelings and the issue of sex. A young LDS woman in her thirties who has just begun coming to terms, after a fifteen-year struggle, with her feelings of attraction for other women, and is wondering what this means for her, wrote me the following about her perception that, at their inception, same-gender feelings do not seem intrinsically sexual.

“It’s not about sex. Other people think that those who might be/are gay are struggling with immoral thoughts/feelings and behaviors. But what you will hear across the board is that the first feeling is that ‘I am different.’ As other teenagers or young adults start to explore with giddiness their crushes and dreamy thoughts of an ideal future, those with same-gender attraction start to try to figure out what is wrong with them. I think THIS is the battlefront.

“They begin to feel shame over their nonsexualized attraction to the same gender, where heterosexuals are encouraged in that attraction, understood, given boundaries to work within, etc. Ultimately, heterosexuals can find legitimate physical/sexual expression for that attraction, but many same-gender-attracted people freeze in that shame—never drifting to immoral thoughts/feelings/behavior, but having no route, or reroute, for that part of themselves—and begin to internalize this struggle.”

Another LDS young man who deals with this challenge wrote similarly:

“The shame is a huge problem. . . . I had similar feelings of being ‘different’ when I was younger, and while I occasionally fantasized about being physically close with other boys, I don’t recall it ever feeling sexual until well into high school—and even then I was so afraid of those feelings that I never allowed myself to acknowledge them. More often than not, I just wanted to feel close to other guys, or I would allow myself to overfocus on qualities in them I felt I lacked, and wanted, in myself.

“I remember once wanting to give my best friend a hug when I saw him, and he looked at me funny and asked if I was gay. That was in fourth grade, I think. All I knew about ‘gay’ was that it was bad, and the shame I felt in that moment led me to tenaciously avoid any behaviors that might be perceived that way. I disowned a lot of parts of my personality, and it’s only been in my adulthood that I’ve been learning to reclaim, reintegrate those parts, and learn to love men in the deep and intimate and healthy ways I only ever wanted anyway.”

Caring for your child would include helping him to let go of shame for the feelings themselves and reassuring him of the Lord’s love. Many people who experience same-gender attraction find that, despite the fact that they are dealing with a set of deeply disconcerting feelings, they can exist in a loving relationship with the Lord in the same system of faith, repentance, and having the Holy Ghost that anyone else can. In this way they are able to embrace a sense of worthiness that allows them to move forward spiritually as they manage these feelings within the bounds the Lord has set.

Elder Holland wrote on making the distinction between feelings and behavior: “While same-gender attraction is real, there must be no physical [sexual or romantic] expression of this attraction. The desire for physical gratification does not authorize immorality by anyone. Such feelings can be powerful, but they are never so strong as to deprive anyone of the freedom to choose worthy conduct. In saying this, let me make it clear that attractions alone, troublesome as they may be, do not make one unworthy.”

Labeling

People tend to behave according to the way they see themselves. Help him to take care with the labels he puts on himself. Lift your child’s sights to a vision of who he really is. Elder Dallin H. Oaks offers this counsel to a parent about what he might say to his child:

“You’re my son. You will always be my son, and I’ll always be there to help you. . . .

“Homosexuality . . . is not a noun that describes a condition. It’s an adjective that describes feelings or behavior. I encourage you, as you struggle with these challenges, not to think of yourself as a ‘something’ or ‘another,’ except that you’re a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and you’re my son, and that you’re struggling with challenges. . . .

“You’ve described a particular kind of challenge that is very vexing. It is common in our society and it has also become politicized. But it’s only one of a host of challenges men and women have to struggle with, and I just encourage you to seek the help of the Savior to resist temptation and to refrain from behavior that would cause you to have to repent or to have your Church membership called into question.”

Shaping a Life

As people dealing with same-gender attraction look at traditional lifestyles, they may not see where they fit in. One young man wrote me: “All of the talks at BYU on dating and marriage, including some in which we were told that if we weren’t dating ‘X’ number of times per week we weren’t magnifying our priesthood, left me feeling especially depressed, broken, and like I was failing God and everyone else around me. It wasn’t until I had a very powerful spiritual witness—in association with Isaiah 56:3–4, actually—that all I needed to do was my best to nurture my relationship with the Lord and to cultivate and follow the Spirit in my life (and whether I married in this life or the next, I was completely accepted of the Lord) that I felt so much of that burden of shame and guilt and depression and failure lift. The love I felt was overwhelming and taught me what my central focus should be. Prior to that, the cultural box I was being shoved into was spiritually and emotionally suffocating.”

Another young man, who chose to serve a mission even while dealing with the challenge of same-gender attraction, describes how he had been mentally and emotionally stuck in choosing the gospel way over the world’s way until he found that he didn’t have to live a traditional life and that, indeed, stereotypes can be ignored:

“I understood, finally, that I was an individual on my own path and that it was impossible to know where that would take me. I did have to make choices along the way, but I wasn’t limited by those stereotypes in my head. And the only thing I had to commit to was the gospel of Jesus Christ. The important distinction was between LDS culture, which isn’t necessarily true, and the fulness of the gospel, which is. When I realized that my path might not look like everyone else’s and that it was really just between the Lord and me, I felt a new confidence. I handed that map over to the Savior and let him navigate—I jumped into the driver’s seat. . . . If we truly trust the Lord, we don’t need to fear the unknown vistas that await us. We can listen to the Spirit and the compass of our hearts and look forward to that day . . . when we realize we have happened onto an answer and that it was the Lord who brought us there. But until then, there’s no reason we shouldn’t roll down the windows and breathe deeply, even if we’re not sure exactly where we are. It’s okay, the Lord does.”

Boundaries

At some point parents are faced with situations in which they wonder what boundary lines might be appropriate because their love for their child versus their sense of right and wrong can create conflict in their minds. Such situations might include whether to attend a marriage or commitment ceremony, or what role a potential partner might play within the family. Elder Oaks was asked: “At what point does showing that love cross the line into inadvertently endorsing behavior? If the son says, ‘Well, if you love me, can I bring my partner to our home to visit? Can we come for holidays?’ How do you balance that against, for example, concern for other children in the home?”

Can a parent’s love cross a line and inadvertently endorse homosexual practice? Elder Oaks responded: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration. I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. There would also be other factors that would make that the likely answer. . . . There are so many different circumstances, it’s impossible to give one answer that fits all.”

Elder Wickman emphasizes a parent’s need to avoid the pitfall of defending a child’s homosexual lifestyle: “I think it’s important as a parent to avoid a potential trap arising out of one’s anguish over this situation. I refer to a shift from defending the Lord’s way to defending the errant child’s lifestyle, both with him and with others. It really is true the Lord’s way is to love the sinner while condemning the sin. That is to say we continue to open our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children, but that need not be with approval of their lifestyle. Neither does it mean we need to be constantly telling them that their lifestyle is inappropriate. An even bigger error is now to become defensive of the child because that neither helps the child nor helps the parent. That course of action, which experience teaches, is almost certainly to lead both away from the Lord’s way.”

One mother remarks that she has said to her son: “‘I love you and respect your feelings, and I know you will respect mine. Because you were reared in the Church, you know what my standards are.’ He is fine with that because he prides himself on being an honest person.”

Elder Oaks mentioned that different circumstances may require different responses. After fasting and prayer, one set of parents in a home where there were no younger children chose to let the child and his long-term partner make the decision as to whether they would share a bedroom in the family home. The key seems to be Elder Oaks’s statement: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration.”

Click here to read the companion piece, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield.

{Poll} Plastic Surgery

Thu, 03 May 2012 00:06:00 -0600

by Jamie Lawson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How do you feel about plastic surgery? Is it ever appropriate?

I remember the first time someone I knew chose to get plastic surgery.

My good friend often complained that giving birth to five children had left her body in less than ideal condition—and there were certain things that could not be improved with diet and exercise alone. After saving for a few years, she elected to have a tummy tuck and breast lift. “It’s not plastic surgery, it’s reconstructive surgery,” she told me.

The results were amazing. Not only did her figure look great, but she also enjoyed a new level of confidence that I had never seen in her before.

Another woman I know just finished her third round of liposuction. After getting breast implants, she decided the rest of her body could look better. So she had liposuction on her thighs, back, and upper arms. But now she believes her 42-year-old face doesn’t match her youthful body. She regularly receives Botox injections to help soften the wrinkles in her face, and she is now considering an eyelift.

To me, it seems there can be legitimate reasons for plastic surgery, but it can also be a slippery slope where someone can never be quite satisfied with his or her appearance when there is always another body part to improve upon.

So here’s my question: How do you feel about plastic surgery? Is it ever appropriate? How much is too much?

Take our poll and leave a comment below.

Fighting the Battle Against Pornography

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Briana Stewart
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Pull the rug out from under pornography. Brush up on why we need to worry, who pornography is affecting, how to prevent it, how to get help, and why—amidst this daunting plague—there is still overwhelming hope.

Pornography is an issue that’s been swept under the rug for years. But it’s 2012, and we’re running out of rugs. In a world where pornography is not only accepted but applauded, our brooms need to be used for clean combat rather than hidden anguish.

“We are being inundated with sexualized messages—even in the most benign places,” says Jill C. Manning, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of What’s The Big Deal About Pornography? “If we are not actively protecting ourselves and loved ones from these toxic messages, we risk leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack.”

And what a brutal attack it is. Men, women, children, spouses, family members—no one is safe from the damaging effects of pornography.

What’s more, it’s not enough to simply abstain from it. Latter-day Saints need to fight the clean fight and actively rid their homes of this mess of an addiction.

“The days of simply putting the computer in an open area of the house are long gone,” says Geoff Steurer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, Utah. “We are so past that simplified form of prevention, thanks to our world of in-your-face media. We have to be more active than we’ve ever been before. Because if we don’t, we’re going to lose this battle.”

The Big Deal

We’ve all heard it before—those subtle (and not-so-subtle) exchanges on movies and television that paint pornography in a jovial light. We’re talking the “boys will be boys” mantras, the “it’s not harming anyone” claims, or the “it saved our marriage” declarations.

But the truth is, pornography is neither harmless nor helpful.

“Pornography use is not simply a habit,” says Manning. “It is a mood altering, belief changing, relationship damaging, addiction forming, socially harmful, spiritually deadening, and life crippling practice through which one practices the ways of the adversary.”

And the statistics are equally alarming. In 2006, worldwide pornography revenue was more than $97 billion ($13 billion of which came from the U.S.).

According to Enough is Enough, every second, $3,075.64 is spent on pornography; 28,258 Internet viewers look at it; and 372 users type “adult” terms into search engines.

Every 39 minutes, a new pornographic video is made in the U.S.

And perhaps most alarming, it’s been reported that 79 percent of young people’s unwanted exposure to pornography occurs in the home.

It was stats like these that propelled Pamela Atkinson, president of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography, into battle.

“The more I learned about pornography, the more I knew I had to fight against it,” Atkinson says. “It’s spreading at such a rapid rate, and not just with individuals but with entire families. I just shudder when I hear people say it’s harmless.”

Church apostles and prophets are equally concerned with how pornography is affecting us. Just take a look at their official statement on pornography, which can be found on lds.org:

It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: ‘Thou shalt not . . . commit adultery . . . nor do anything like unto it’ (D&C 59:6). Pornography is tragically addictive. Like other addictions, it leads people to experiment and to seek more powerful stimulations. Those who experiment with it and allow themselves to remain caught in its trap will find that it will destroy them, degrading their minds, hearts and spirits. It will rob them of self-respect and of their sense of the beauties of life. It will tear them down and lead them to evil thoughts and possibly evil actions. It will cause terrible damage to their family relationships.

And “evil” is no exaggeration.

“I’ve met with people whose lives have been altered by pornography to the point of destruction,” Atkinson says. “Many people are surprised to know pornography consumption can be the leading cause of sexual violence, assault, and even sex trafficking. In fact, a high percentage of sexual predators started with what they call soft-core pornography. There are no limits to its devastation.”

Keep reading on the next page to find out who is being affected, and its effects.

The Who

Pornography has historically been considered a man’s issue, but times are changing.

In addition to men, more women are partaking in it, children are being exposed at earlier ages, and marriages and families are suffering because of it.

“People think pornography is something people somewhere else do,” Atkinson says. “But it could be a family member, a neighbor, or someone at church—it’s everywhere, and we can’t ignore it anymore.”

Here’s a breakdown of the groups affected by pornography, along with the startling damages it can bring.

Men

Men are still the number-one consumer of pornography, and it’s a trend that has only continued to climb.

“Pornography shuts men down emotionally,” Steurer says. “And it’s not an issue of being sex crazed—which I think is often misunderstood. This is an addiction that covers up other emotions, and it can lead men to view women in a different way, affect the way they feel about themselves, and cause them to become moody and distant.”

Additionally, it can lead to an obsession with fantasy and distaste for reality.

“Oftentimes, they become less interested in their own lives and less interested in having sex with their spouses,” Steurer says. “In some cases, it leads men to take more risks that may lead to affairs or even criminal activity. They can become completely, totally different people.”

Women

The growing trend of women and pornography is a startling one, perhaps because it’s so seldom discussed. A big part of that is the explosion—and anonymity—of the Internet.

“The Internet is the great equalizer on many things, but sadly, it’s also the great equalizer with the pornography industry,” Manning says. “Instead of being a boys club, you have women who can now access this material in private online—women who wouldn’t have dared show their face in an adult video store 15 years ago.”

Part of the desire, Steurer believes, comes from the pressure women receive about their appearance.

“Women are being told at every turn that their power and influence comes from their bodies,” he says. “Back in the day, publications like Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal were touting a message for women to rise up and be better homemakers and have better character. And now the message is not about serving your family, but about how hot you can be and how to satisfy your man. Women are being groomed to think of themselves as only sexual beings.”

And as a result, that grooming can spark curiosity and lead women to engage in online pornography sites, graphic romance novels, and the ever-growing trend of sexting.

“More women send nudity across their cell phones than men do,” Steurer says. “They think it’s what men want, and then they get hooked. Too often, their self worth comes from being accepted by men in this way, which only furthers their immersion into the pornography world.”

Youth

A number of research studies show kids being exposed to their first pornographic image at an average age of 11.

That’s Primary age, folks.

“Thanks to the media, kids are being taught at younger ages that pornography is an acceptable form of expression,” Steurer says. “And in homes where these issues are not discussed, they’re too young to realize what’s happening to them. They don’t understand the gravity of these messages, which are both subliminal and overt.”

Jan Garbett, president of Women For Decency, an organization that links women together in the fight against offensive content, wholeheartedly concurs.

“When we leave our kids to fend for themselves in sexual matters, it isn’t fair,” she says. “It’s like giving your sixth grader the keys to the Ferrari and saying, ‘Want to go to the beach? Great! We’ll meet you there.’ They are on this super highway in this incredible machine, but they don’t know how to drive it.”

Spouses and Family Members

Pornography can affect the marital unit on two levels. The first is a matter of one partner secretly engaging in pornographic material.

“It can literally feel as though your spouse has had an affair,” Steurer says. “As Latter-day Saints, we live in a world where we value monogamy, fidelity, and commitment, and when a spouse turns to someone else—even if it’s not a real, live person—the betrayal feels the same and the insecurities arise: ‘What’s wrong with me? Why am I not enough?’”

The second effect happens to couples who view pornography openly.

“Speaking as a researcher, there is no data that shows pornography is helpful to marriages—and that holds true for couples who consume it openly and mutually,” Manning says. “Actually, what we see is the opposite. There is a body of data growing that fully supports what our prophets and apostles have been telling us, and it’s that pornography undermines fidelity, trust, and intimacy in marriage.”

Regardless of how it’s viewed, the effects on marriages (and consequently families) are monumental. Below, Manning lists 10 such effects:

· Decreased sensitivity toward women

· Less progressive views of gender roles

· Increased risk of becoming aggressive, violent, and abusive

· Three times more likely to commit adultery and four times more likely to hire a prostitute

· Acquire an instrumental view of sexuality

· Increased risk of sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction

· Decreased trust in partner

· Decreased desire to marry and have children

· Increased risk of separation, divorce, and job loss

· Diminished spirituality and respect of sacred aspects of life

Keep reading on the next page for prevention tips and resources for healing.

Prevention

With the world not taking the pornography problem seriously (or in many cases, even acknowledging it as a problem), it is imperative that LDS families take matters into their own homes.

“We need to be empowered to teach our children and families about this toxic topic,” Garbett says. “We all need to become more educated on prevention rather than merely worrying about it after the fact.”

Here are seven ways to maximize prevention in your home.

1. Look at your media access points.

“You have to look at all the media access in your home—Internet, mobile devices, television, magazines, books, etc.,” Manning says. “Examine those access points carefully and do what you can to filter or stop it.”

And while having the computer in an open area isn’t enough, it is still a crucial component.

“A child should never have a computer in his or her bedroom,” Atkinson says. “It opens them up to all kinds of dangers.”

2. Look at your spiritual/emotional access.

“Having internal filters is far more effective than running any sort of program on your computer,” Manning says. “Be honest with what makes your family vulnerable and what temptations you struggle with—and then cater your family media guidelines to those vulnerabilities.”

3. Establish a formal family media pledge.

“It’s important to not just think about guidelines for your family—write them down, print it out, and have each member of your family sign it,” Manning says. “Make an FHE out of it!”

4. Practice what you pledge.

“Example is one of the most powerful tools we have for our kids,” Manning says. “And if it means our own media intake is more wholesome because of it? All the better.”

5. Have open and honest discussions with your kids about sexual matters.

“We need to teach our kids about healthy sexuality, and it starts with our infants and toddlers,” Manning says. “A lot of parents are reluctant to talk to their kids because the subject matter makes them uncomfortable. But we live in a world where we don’t have a choice. If they don’t hear it from us, they’re going to hear it skewed and distorted from somewhere else.”

Manning and Steurer both highly recommend “A Parent’s Guide,” which is an official LDS Church booklet (and free download on lds.org) to teach your kids about intimacy.

“It’s actually old—written in 1985—and it’s one of the best out there without question,” Steurer says. “It’s so interesting, because so often the Church gets accused of being a little prudish when it comes to these areas. But it’s documents like these that give us the perfect foundation and language to teach our families. It’s so much easier to explain pornography to our kids—and why to avoid it—if they have a healthy foundation from a young age.”

6. Teach your teens about the serious penalties of engaging in pornography.

“Children need to be alerted to the potentially tragic consequences of their actions,” Atkinson says. “When they engage in activities like sexting, which is so popular with kids today, they are opening themselves up to potential issues with the law. They need to know that if there is a question in their mind, the content shouldn’t be sent.”

7. Have a plan.

Discuss a game plan with your children of what to do if they come across pornographic material. Ideally, they would turn it off, come to you, and discuss what they saw and how they felt.

“We have all kinds of drills at school—fire drills, earthquake drills—but we really need to have spiritual drills where we know what to do when we’re confronted with damaging content,” Manning says.

“We need to leverage our relationships with our kids,” Garbett adds. “We need to teach them in a way they will listen. We can’t frighten, offend them, or overreact. We need to calmly tell them how glad we are they came to us, and then talk about the problem and how to avoid it in the future.”

Help Wanted

If pornography has already plagued your family, the battle isn’t lost. Here are five steps to getting the help you need.

Come out of hiding.

“Tell somebody your story, which is one of the hardest things to do,” Steurer says. “Tell someone you trust—a spouse, a counselor, a bishop. You can’t [overcome] it in isolation.”

Seek professional help.

“Most people need a combination of counseling, group support, and ecclesiastical assistance,” Steurer says. “People who utilize all of these areas will have infinitely more success, and people who tippy-toe around the problem will continue to struggle. You can’t do this halfway.”

Learn about healthy sexuality.

“Understand the clear and distinct difference between pornography and healthy sexuality—way too many people aren’t clear on that,” Manning says. “If we are going to be responsible sexual beings, it behooves us to express our sexuality in ways that do no harm. We have not been put on this planet and blessed with the power of procreation to have it do harm.”

Challenge your brain.

“Part of getting help is learning how to discipline your mind,” Manning says. “Take up a hobby, find a new passion in your life, enroll in a class, challenge yourself.”

Find spiritual healing.

“Pornography is deadening to one’s spirit. There is nothing godly or of virtue to be found,” Manning says. “When we become addicted to anything, we become a slave to it, which takes us away from our divine center. That spiritual focus is crucial to healing.”

And in the unfortunate cases where our kids struggle with pornography, embrace them, help them, and guide them— without judgment.

“Parents have to create a safe environment to talk about the problem,” Steurer says. “Let your child know that he or she is not bad or evil. Teach them that what they are feeling is normal—pornography simply hijacked it. They got a false start, and now you’re concerned with protecting them and getting them help.”

Get Your Hopes Up

Pornography is a dark and heavy subject—there’s no getting around it. But we can’t be defeated by the filth.

In fact, Manning sees a clean sweep, even if it is years away.

“I compare it to what we’ve seen in the tobacco and cigarette industry. There was a tipping point with a large body of research that started to shift the culture tide,” Manning says. “A similar thing will happen with pornography. There will be a body of medical evidence that will show the harmful effects pornography has on the brain and on relationships—and our culture tide will start to shift. We are a long way from that, but the research gives me hope.”

Steurer is equally optimistic.

“Don’t be afraid of this,” he says. “People that confront pornography and get help become better people through the challenge. Stop running from the problem. Stop living in hiding. There is hope.”

And in the meantime? Fight, fight, fight.

“I was at a women’s conference where general Relief Society president Julie Beck made a rallying cry and told us women that we need to fight against the pornography infiltrating our society. It stirred my soul and made me want to say, ‘Hey, Julie, I’m there!’” Garbett says. “I don’t have all the time in the world, but I have a minute. We have to be courageous. We have to fear God more than man. We’re on the battle lines, and I’m ready to fight.”

And nothing irritates Satan more than a good, clean fight.

“When we feel apprehensive or hesitant to discuss these kinds of topics, we need to remind ourselves that the adversary would love nothing more than for it to be shoved under the rug,” Manning says. “But we can’t let that happen. There is too much to live for and too much to hope for.”

You can also learn more about the Church's Addiction Recovery Programs by clicking here.

This article was originally published in the March/April 2012 issue of LDS Living. Click here to learn more.

{Lifestyle} Advice You'd Give Your 21-year-old Self

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:03:00 -0700

by LDS Living
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We all know that when we're older and wiser, hindsight is 20/20. What things do you wish you had known when you were younger?

Baking soda is one of the best cleaning substances in existence. Don't waste so much time playing instead of studying--or, conversely, learn that there's more to life than the grade at the end of the semester. It doesn't really matter what color the tableclothes are at your wedding reception. The Lord can be there for you no matter how much you mess up or how hard your trials are.

What would you tell your 21-year-old self? What advice do you have for your children and grandchildren? We want to know.

We're calling for you best tips and advice, whether they be practical, spiritual, or both. You'll help those who haven't walked where you have to learn from your mistakes and experience, and you'll earn fame and glory when you get to see your name in print.

Please send us a 1- to 5-sentence tip with your full name and city/state (may be anonymous if topic is sensitive).

E-mail your advice to editor[at]ldsliving[dot]com. (E-mail the editor.)

Submissions may be edited slightly for grammar/clarity before publication.

Meeting the Need: Helping Children with Developmental Disabilities in Primary

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Julie Christensen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Children with disabilities can be found in every Primary. How can we meet the needs of all the children in our ranks? Here are a few resources, with insight from those with experience, for members looking to help.

Sundays at the Staples’ home were anything but restful. As soon as 6-year-old Jon realized it was Sunday, the crying, tantrums, and pleading started. During Sacrament Meeting, Jon, who was recently diagnosed with a developmental disability, fidgeted and squirmed. At Primary, he rocked back and forth, swung his feet, poked his friends, or got up and walked around. Occasionally, he became so frustrated that he had meltdowns or lashed out at friends and teachers. The Primary leaders and teachers were patient and loving, but they wondered how to help Jon while still meeting the needs of the other children in their large Primary. Heather Staples, Jon’s mom, recalls, “By Sunday night, we were exhausted and discouraged.”

Most LDS parents have experienced some of these feelings after a long day of trying to help children be reverent at church. Sundays are particularly challenging, though, for parents of a child who has a developmental disability. For children like Jon, Sunday is often the most difficult day of the week.

Many children with developmental disabilities have difficulty sitting still for more than a few minutes. Primary lessons may lack the visual cues or stimulation needed to keep a child who has autism or attention deficit disorder engaged. Small, overcrowded classrooms are often overwhelming to a child with a sensory processing disorder. Primary teachers and leaders may lack the necessary knowledge and skills to deal effectively with these children.

Yet, meeting the needs of all children must be the first goal of any Primary. Seek for understanding first, and then actively look for solutions. Consult parents, priesthood leaders and church disability resources for information and support.

Observe the Child

Become aware of all the children in your Primary. On average, between 12 and 17 percent of the children in a ward Primary may have some type of disability, according to lds.org. Disabilities that display physical symptoms, such as Down’s syndrome or cerebral palsy, are fairly obvious, but identifying and meeting the needs of children with developmental disabilities is more difficult. These children are often labeled as “naughty” or “difficult” and may not receive the help they need.

Objectively observe a child who is struggling. Take note of the child’s preferences, as well as situations that seem to trigger challenging behaviors. Try to see the world through the child’s eyes and gain an understanding of what motivates behavior.

For example, a child with a learning disability may be disruptive in an effort to hide the fact that he can’t read. A child with a sensory processing disorder may seem withdrawn, or, conversely, may continually touch his friends as a way to master his environment.

Communicate with Parents

Schedule a time to talk privately with the parents. Express your love for the child and your desire for the child to be happy and successful in Primary. Describe the behaviors you have observed, and ask for the parents’ input in finding effective solutions.

Leaders often feel nervous about approaching a parent or worry that they will offend the parent. Parents may initially respond with defensiveness but will appreciate your sincere expressions of love and a desire to help. Many children with developmental disabilities and behavioral disorders aren’t diagnosed until age five or older; Parents may be struggling to find information and help, just as you are. Together, though, and with the inspiration of the Lord, you can implement changes that will benefit the child.

Heather Staples met with her ward Primary president to uncover possible reasons why Jon was so unhappy in Primary. As the Primary presidency spent more time observing Jon, they noticed that he had no friends. The Primary president said, “We can start by fixing that.”

Jon’s primary teacher made a concerted effort to develop a relationship with him and help him form friendships with the other children. Although Jon still finds Primary challenging, he no longer dreads Sundays.

Strengthen Relationships

All children respond positively when they feel loved and accepted. Seek to develop genuine love and appreciation for each child in the Primary. A child with a behavioral disorder or developmental disability may not always be able to control his behavior. However, when she feels loved, she is more motivated to try. A child who feels disapproval or disdain from others will likely become discouraged and give up.

Visit the child at her home or invite her to your house with a classmate to make cookies or play a game. Help her develop strategies to relate to the other children.

Make a Plan

In partnership with the child’s parents, develop a plan based on the child’s strengths and needs. Think creatively and be willing to make adaptations to the schedule and lessons. For example, if a child has trouble sitting through sharing time, allow him to come a few minutes late. Go for a walk or provide some physical outlet. If a child seems overwhelmed by the noise of a large group, allow him to wear headphones.

Experienced teachers know that a productive, effective lesson time is the result of careful planning. The following strategies can help not only children with special needs, but all Primary children, participate more successfully.

Look for opportunities to utilize the child’s strengths. A child with a learning disability may not want to read aloud, but he may have a vivid imagination and love acting out stories. Shawna Hodges, whose son Grady has Down’s Syndrome, stresses the importance of making small efforts to help each child feel included. She says, “Children with special needs or disabilities have feelings like we all do. They want to be involved. Allowing them to hold a photo or pass something out or answer a question will build their self-esteem and help them to really know that they are a part of the group.”

Maintain a predictable schedule, and give advance warning of schedule changes. Many children with special needs have difficulty with transitions. A predictable schedule helps them feel safe and secure.

Prepare the classroom ahead of time. Put away extra chairs and keep the classroom uncluttered, since a cluttered space can be over stimulating. Bring small posters or pictures to make the classroom more inviting.

Use visuals, music and actions to engage children and keep their interest. Use the most active, hands-on method possible to teach a concept. For example, rather than just retelling a scripture story, bring pictures, props, or best of all, act the story out.

Provide variety. Although some repetition can help children master concepts, children become bored when the same game, song, or activity is repeated over and over. Plan for a new activity every 10 to 15 minutes, depending on the ages and needs of the children.

Making adaptations for a child with a developmental disability may seem like a lot of effort, but leaders and teachers who take on this challenge are richly rewarded. Primary leaders who effectively meet the needs of their most vulnerable children gain a greater understanding of Christ-like love, develop an increased capacity for empathy, and deepen their ability to effectively teach. Children with developmental disabilities often have unique and interesting perceptions of the world and can contribute in many ways to Primary.

Visit lds.org/disability for more information.

Opinion: Why schools need our kids

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 11:38:00 -0600

source: MormonTimes.com

Mormon Life says: As the school year starts, this columnist reflects on how LDS kids can impact others by being in school. What do you think? Years ago, I had a dream, back when I was debating whether to send my oldest son, Jackson, to a public school or educate him at home.

I dreamed that we went snorkeling in a vast ocean. As we swam along, I watched Jackson struggle to tread water. I had to continually prop him up just to keep his head above the waves.

Along came a group of friends who invited Jackson to go exploring in deeper waters. Jackson could hardly swim, but for some reason I let him go. After he swam away I panicked. What had I done, sending him off with so few skills? Hours passed. Finally the group returned and Jackson, miracle of miracles, was safe. Not only that, but he was filled with exciting stories of what he had seen on his adventure.

When I awoke from this dream (and I will tell you, lest you think I am a visionary, that it is the only dream I’ve ever had that contained any meaning), I knew what I needed to do. I needed to let Jackson go to school and trust that on so many levels he would be fine.

Dealing with Book of Mormon geography and other secondary issues

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 09:59:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

Many years ago, a very opinionated member of my Southern California ward confided to me that the then-first counselor in the First Presidency was a Communist agent, seeking to lead the president of the church astray.

I was appalled. Not so much at the silly accusation itself, which I never took seriously, but that an active member of the ward in which I'd grown up, whom I knew to be a fervent believer, would permit his political opinions to lead him, on the basis of no real evidence, into speaking evil of a man both of us had sustained as a prophet, seer and revelator.

"I will give you one of the Keys of the mysteries of the Kingdom," Joseph Smith taught the Saints in 1839. "It is an eternal principle, that has existed with God from all eternity: That man who rises up to condemn others, finding fault with the Church, saying that they are out of the way, while he himself is righteous, then know assuredly, that that man is in the high road to apostasy; and if he does not repent, will apostatize, as God lives."

To divide the church along political (or ethnic, national, economic, class or gender) lines is the work of the devil, not of God. He is "the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another" (3 Nephi 11:29). He is "the accuser of our brethren" (Revelation 12:9). In fact, the very meaning of the Greek verb "diaballo," from which our English words "diabolical" and "devil" derive, is "to slander" or "to attack."

Can Two Families Survive Under One Roof?

Sun, 23 Nov 2003 08:38:00 -0700

by Gretchen Willard
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Two boats, a fish, an octopus, and a ladybug went for a swim--down my mother-in-law's toilet. They swirled, and my two-year-old nephew surely squealed, as he flushed and flushed, until the toilet would flush no more.

Under normal circumstances, a stopped toilet is a major inconvenience. However, the situation at my mother-in-law’s home made a normal disruption a near catastrophe. Her home resembled a hotel with all of the family living there temporarily: two nephews, two daughters-in-law, a son, three grandchildren, and her husband, who deserved great pity for letting so many people stay in his home. As I watched my husband’s futile attempts to dislodge the toys, I thought about the generosity of my in-laws.

My husband, Mark, and I moved in for the two months it would take to complete a home we were building, adding even more chaos to an already bustling and bursting home. Yet when we asked my in-laws if we could move in, they didn’t bat an eyelash.

“We could stand on our heads for two months if we had to,” was my mother in law’s reply when I expressed concerns about burdening them further. I have no doubt she would stand on her head if one of her family members asked her to.

Living in such circumstances, surrounded by family, I learned many important lessons as well as some practical advice for those in a similar situation.

Serve others

The greatest service opportunities happen in the home. For example, while we were living with my in-laws, almost every family member got sick. Just as one person would recover, another would start showing the same symptoms. There were endless opportunities to help sick people, watch kids, cook dinners, clean, counsel, console, advise, and encourage. The more we served each other, the happier the home became. Look for ways to serve your family members. Make it personal to their needs, and they will likely serve in return.

One particularly stressful night I came home to a bouquet of flowers from my sister-in-law, along with an uplifting note. Every time I looked at the flowers, I felt better. It was a simple act, but it made me feel closer to my sister-in-law. When we were actively looking for chances to lighten one another’s burdens, a spirit of love permeated the home. On the other hand, if we let our selfish desires surface, disharmony resulted.

Resolve differences

When family members argue, no one wins. In a home with so many people there was bound to be occasional contention. There were at least ten different opinions on everything from disciplining children to what to make for dinner, and how to load the dishwasher. What I discovered was that very few things are actually worth getting upset over. Honest communication is the solution to misunderstandings. “Contention builds up walls and puts up barriers,” says Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Council of the Twelve (Ensign, May 1978). “Love opens doors.” Communicating in a spirit of love resolves differences.

I learned from my sister-in-law that beating around the bush is not as effective as being forthright in our feelings. Also, rather than taking offense at minor disturbances or annoyances, peace is more easily achieved with acceptance and forgiveness. Additionally, a focus on the positive aspects of each family member is much more productive to happiness than dwelling on negative or difficult characteristics.

Express Gratitude

One of the antidotes to contention, as well as another key to family harmony, is showing sincere gratitude. For some reason it is easy to take our families for granted. We come to expect members of the family to perform certain tasks, and in the process, often forget to thank them for what they do. President Thomas S. Monson says of gratitude, “If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues” (Ensign, February 200, 2).

The laundry doesn’t magically get done each week, meals don’t just appear on the table and little elves aren’t responsible for mowing the lawn; these tasks require work and appreciation should be expressed. Gratitude can be shown through a simple thank you, a note or a favor.

When I cooked for my in-laws I tried to make good meals, and I would often worry that it wasn’t good enough. When my family expressed their thanks for the meal, I felt appreciated instead of worried, and it made cooking meals a more pleasant experience. Kids, especially, need to be told they are appreciated. When I thanked my four-year-old niece for helping around the house, she would get a big smile on her face and work even harder.

Kids often emulate the example of their parents in expressing gratitude. When family members begin saying thank you for simple things, it is contagious to the rest of the family. Sometimes, saying thank you doesn’t seem to express the full measure of our gratitude. A simple thank you doesn’t seem to suffice the appreciation I feel for my in-laws for letting me stay with them for two months. However, there is power in those simple words.

Learn from others

The fourth lesson I learned was that we can learn from our family member’s strengths and experiences. I learned a lot from my mother-in-law, especially about taking care of my four-month-old son. I enjoyed hearing about her experiences in raising her sons, and learned valuable lessons from her. It would be a shame to be surrounded by so many different people, and not gain from their experiences.

I learned from traits in each of my family members and tried to emulate them. Also, we can increase love in our families when we express the strengths we see in one another. Take time to learn about your extended family member’s lives. Everyone has stories in their lives that they learned from and can share.

Enjoy time together

Perhaps the most important lesson I learned was that we should enjoy the time we spend with our families. We had a unique opportunity to get to know our family better while we lived together. It had been more than a year since I’d seen my niece and nephew, so they were shy when we first moved in. My nephew could barely look me in the eyes and say hello in the beginning, but by the end of our stay he would willingly give me hugs and ask me to play with him. I will always feel closer to them because of the experience of living together.

Families can enjoy the time they spend together by doing activities such as playing games, talking and having family home evening. The strength that comes from family engaged in shared activities cannot be matched. We will go away from this experience with many memories of the time we spent together. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” says, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ” (Ensign, November 1995, 102).

Every investment of time and energy we put into our family relationships is rewarded tenfold. For example, my relationship with my niece has been greatly strengthened through playing with her and spending time with her. I knew she felt the same way when she told her mom one afternoon, “There are two things I can’t live without. One is Aunty Gretchen, and the other is root beer.”

The experience I had of living with my in-laws has made me appreciative my family even more. It has increased my desire to serve my family and to know them better. No other relationships that are more important than those we form with our family members. They can help us through the joys, the disappointments, and even the near-fatal toilet flushings of life.