Mormon Life - Hope tag

Living with Same-sex Attraction: Our Story

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by Ty and Danielle Mansfield
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In 2003, Ty Mansfield wrote an essay for a class at BYU about how he—a member of the LDS Church who has experienced same-sex attraction—had found peace through the gospel of Jesus Christ. That essay resulted in a book, In Quiet Desperation, that made Ty's private struggle public. In 2011 he published an anthology on the same topic, Voices of Hope: Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction.

Editor's note:

Same-sex attraction is a sensitive and complex issue. We feel it is important to try to understand how we can better meet the needs of friends, family, and Church members who experience SSA. Ty and Danielle graciously shared the following story as a first step in creating a more open dialogue about same-gender attraction in the LDS community. We are in no way suggesting marriage is a catch-all solution; we recognize everyone’s experience is different. This is simply one man’s story of finding fulfillment and happiness while living in harmony with the gospel.

I hadn’t originally intended to be so open about my feelings of same-sex attraction. When I was first approached about the possibility of including some thoughts in In Quiet Desperation, I was hesitant. Although I had worked through a crisis of faith around the issue and felt a lot of peace, I was quite private about whom I opened up to. I still felt some shame given the cultural taboo around it and I was concerned about how people would respond.

However, I also knew that through my experience I had gained some spiritual insights I hoped could be of help to others. I agreed to tell my story with the assumption that, if it were published, I would use a pseudonym. I felt trust in the love the Lord had for me and in the path I was on, but I didn’t have the same trust in people, given the climate of cultural attitudes around this issue. The thought of blowing the doors off my privacy felt so overwhelmingly vulnerable that I just didn’t feel I could go there.

As the book was going through the editing process, the theme of being a witness started to show up more frequently in my personal scripture study. I kept thinking of Alma’s declaration that covenant disciples are to “stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that [they] may be in” (Mosiah 18:9). The Spirit impressed upon me that the power of my witness would be diminished if I used anything other than my real name. I felt there was only one right choice for me in that particular situation.

On Marriage

I had pretty much concluded that I probably wouldn’t marry in this life, and I had come to a place where I was okay with that. I had let go of any personal or cultural pressure to marry and was content to stay single. Then I had an experience in which I felt prompted to continue to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for the blessing of marriage and leave the rest to the Lord. As much as I felt I wouldn’t marry, I tried to leave it an open question and to trust in God. I felt good about that spiritually, but I continued to experience some emotional ups and downs.

Some time after that, I was earnestly seeking additional divine guidance. I was feeling frustration around some deep emotional connections I had developed with another guy, and it hurt that I couldn’t have what a part of me really wanted. I needed some spiritual reassurance. It was general conference time, so I wrote down some of my most heartfelt questions and went into the Saturday morning session fasting.

As soon as the opening prayer was given, I was completely enveloped by this spiritual feeling. I hardly remember anything that was said during the session, but the feeling was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. For nearly two hours, all the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the frustration were completely gone. In their place was this feeling of divine love I had also never experienced. As a part of that, there was a feeling of what I perceived as pure celestial love and desire to be with a daughter of God in the most holy, connected, and uniting of ways. The world’s portrayal of love and romance seemed so shallow and “false” in comparison. With the feeling came the words: “Just stay with me. If you do, this is the feeling you will someday feel—and it will be a permanent part of your being.” And then suddenly, as the end of the session approached, the feeling left. I didn’t know how I would eventually grow into that feeling as an integral part of my being, but I trusted that God would lead me there.

I experienced some gradual change over time as I continued to try to stay close to and be led by the Spirit and as I sought other various means of personal growth. As I did so, I went from believing I probably wouldn’t marry in this life, to believing I probably would marry but later rather than sooner, to then believing it would be sooner rather than later, until I finally met Danielle and had a strong impression that she was the woman I would marry.

In this area and so much of my life, I feel I’ve had to live the principle President Boyd K. Packer taught of going to “the edge of the light and [stepping] into the darkness to discover that the way is lighted ahead for just a footstep or two” (That All May Be Edified (1982), 340). We have to put Him first today, taking the necessary steps of faith today, and simply trust Him to take care of tomorrow. It’s only been through my learning and living that principle that the Lord has slowly been revealing to me His plan for my life.

On Danielle

During my freshman year at BYU, the year before my mission, I sang in the BYU Men’s Chorus with Danielle’s brother Clint. We got to be friends, and he would invite me to sing with him and his brothers on various occasions. On one occasion he asked if I’d sing with them at the mission farewell of his twin sister, Olivia.

That was when I met the whole family. I remember being briefly introduced to Danielle, but that was about it. More than anything, there was this overwhelming impression of the goodness of that family. I loved all of them.

I left on my mission shortly after that, and eventually I lost touch with their family. After graduating and spending a few years in D.C., I decided to change careers and go back to graduate school. I felt impressed to move back to Utah to do my prereqs at BYU. I was also dating a girl from Salt Lake at the time, and I knew if anything were going to happen, we needed to live in proximity. Within weeks of my moving back to Utah, that relationship ended. Around the same time, I was running some errands, and, while waiting in a checkout line, I heard, “Are you Ty Mansfield?” I looked over and there was Danielle.

Excited to get a Palmer family update, I chatted with Danielle for a few minutes, and she told me what her family members were up to. That was our only contact until we reconnected again a couple years later via Facebook and would occasionally write on each other’s Facebook wall for birthdays and such. She always had cute, witty things to say. After a handful of brief, friendly Facebook exchanges over the next year or two, I thought a date couldn’t hurt.

It had been a long time since I’d had a desire to take anyone out. There was something this time that was different for me. I still don’t know if I can put my finger on what was happening, but I felt this sense of the Spirit working on my heart, preparing me for the possibility of marriage.

Living in Texas, however, I knew the only opportunity to take Danielle out would be when I came home to visit for Christmas break. So during that break between semesters, I took her out several times.

It was interesting because dating and nurturing a relationship had never felt so easy for me. I felt this distinct spiritual undercurrent through every step of the process. I was drawn to Danielle in multiple ways, but the spiritual feeling of “rightness” seemed to be the driving force during this formative period. There wasn’t any talk, though, of a long-term relationship. I was leaving to go back to Texas, and she lived in Utah. A few days before I left, we talked about our mutual interest but ultimately didn’t know what to do other than to leave it an open question. However, I had a strong feeling this courtship was moving toward marriage.

A few weeks later, Danielle had a business trip close to where I was living in Texas, so she stopped over to visit me for several days. It was during that time that the unmistakable confirmation came. It wasn’t long before we were engaged, and we married a few months later. The day after our first wedding anniversary, we welcomed our first, beautiful little boy into our family: Gabriel Tanielu.

On the Response

There was a pretty negative response in the media when we announced our engagement, but it was through that experience that I realized just how good of a woman I was getting. I mean, I knew Danielle was a high-caliber woman, but her response to the scrutiny and criticism was inspiring to me. After I read one particular statement posted online, I just felt sad for her. I had gotten used to criticism from various camps and had developed a pretty thick skin. But I felt sad that she was being brought into the mix.

One statement in particular came out during a weekend when Danielle had flown back to Utah for wedding preparations while I was in school in Texas. The statement was aimed at discrediting me and our relationship and alluded to some things I had written a few years prior. After reading the statement, Danielle wrote me an e-mail. I already felt we had a pretty solid foundation for our relationship, but some of the things Danielle wrote confirmed that. It also confirmed to me that my efforts to cultivate the pure love I’d felt during my spiritual experience years earlier during that Saturday morning general conference session had borne fruit. She wrote:

“The one nice thing about looking at all of this stuff was that as I relooked at some of the things you had written, I felt that you love me now more than many people ever love their partners or spouses. Your love for me existed long before we ever went on our first date, because it was a love you were trying to cultivate with Christ as your example, before you even felt that marriage to a woman would be possible in this life. It was who you were trying to be.

“I think so many people rely on their hormones and/or their emotions to drive them that they get stuck feeling for their spouse whatever those things tell them to feel. And then if they try to feel otherwise, to love their spouse more than what hormones or emotions tell them to, they feel like they’re doing their spouse a favor rather than recognizing that they hadn’t understood how to truly love in the first place.

“I think that us coming into each other’s lives, feeling drawn to each other and attracted to who the other person was and is, and then deciding that we want to unite our lives and continue to care for and love each other and to build our love together all while striving to become more like Christ, as a team with Christ. . . . I feel sad for people who don’t get it and who have reduced love and marriage to a mere shadow of what it was intended to be and how beautiful it can be.”

On Making It Work

Even though that e-mail was written before Danielle and I were married, it encapsulates what we’ve been seeking to cultivate in our marriage since then and what has been the foundation of our relationship. And it’s been beautiful and rich and rewarding.

I think the greatest difficulties Danielle and I have experienced in our marriage are fairly typical of what most people experience—balancing work, school, family time, Church callings, and other interests; figuring out how to keep bills paid; etc. I think the joys have also been fairly typical of those that grow out of any healthy, gospel-centered relationship.

The thing I love most about my relationship with Danielle is the friendship we share. If there’s anyone who knows how to make me laugh, it’s Danielle. It’s one of the first things that drew me to her. We love to spend time with each other.

One of the greatest joys we’ve experienced has been the expansion of our family with little Gabriel. I know I’m biased, but I think he’s got to be the cutest kid ever born. I can’t look at him and not smile. There’s something so sacred and special about knowing that this little, eternal soul has been entrusted to our stewardship for his time on earth, and that we’ll be sealed together for the eternities.

Some have wondered how my openness about my experience with same-sex attraction will affect our family. When the time comes, we’ll figure out how to explain our story to our children. More than anything, I want them to know that they can talk about anything and that it’s okay to be honest about anything they feel or believe. If there is anything they struggle with, I don’t want them to feel shame about it. And I believe one of the most important ways to teach that kind of authenticity and openness is to model it.

Danielle’s Story

What Ty didn’t know until 12 years later is that the first time we met, my sister and I had specifically requested him to sing at her farewell. He had performed a solo in a Men’s Chorus concert a few months earlier, so we knew who he was. He had a beautiful tenor voice and he was incredibly good-looking, but that could have described a lot of men in the choir. There was something else about Ty. He stood out to us.

After we had met him, that feeling became even stronger. Ty had this innocence that was endearing. He was kind of shy, and it was obvious that he had no idea how good-looking he was. I was too timid myself to try to really get to know him, so I settled for having a crush from afar.

It must have been shortly after Ty’s move to D.C. that he came back on our family’s radar. I was in Deseret Book when, from across the room, a book caught my eye. On the cover was a headshot of a very attractive, clean-cut man in a shirt and tie. He had a bar across his eyes—the kind that ’80s journalists used in an effort to obscure a person’s identity. My curiosity got the best of me and I crossed the room, picked up the book, and read the cover: In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction. The authors were Fred and Marilyn Matis . . . and Ty Mansfield.

I was stunned. I knew there couldn’t be many Ty Mansfields and I felt sad thinking that all these years, Ty must have felt very alone as he dealt with this. I had never heard of anyone with same-sex attraction staying in the Church, so this was quite unusual. I bought the book and told my siblings about it. The general consensus was that our respect and appreciation for Ty had jumped exponentially. Naturally, there was a draw to know where he was and what he was up to, but you don’t exactly look someone up to say, “Hey, I never realized you experienced same-sex attraction. So what else is going on in your life?”

When we ran into each other at the store, he didn’t even remember who I was. At this point, almost 10 years had passed since my sister’s farewell. I knew Ty loved my family and that he would remember my siblings, so I reintroduced myself. When, again, a few years later, Ty asked if he could take me to dinner for my birthday over Christmas break, I was excited to catch up, but the possibility of his being interested in me never crossed my mind.

We went out several times, but I didn’t know we were going out on dates. I had recently gone out with a few other guys and I wasn’t looking for new dating options. I didn’t think Ty was either. I did enjoy spending time with him, and I missed him on the days we didn’t talk, so as he continued to ask me out, I continued to say yes. Four or five dates later, it suddenly hit me: “Is Ty Mansfield dating me . . . to date me?”

When I realized Ty was interested in me, it was kind of a shock. I didn’t know someone who experienced same-sex attraction could happily marry a member of the opposite sex. I had never heard of it happening. During Ty’s last week in Utah, I read everything I could on LDS mixed-orientation marriages and prayed a lot. I didn’t know what this would mean for the details of my life, but I felt peaceful and knew that I wanted to pursue it.

After I went to visit Ty in Texas, we decided to take a hiatus from talking and to focus for a week on fasting, praying, and pondering what we had experienced. On Saturday, we would each go to the temple where we were living, and then we would talk on Sunday. During the conversation on Sunday, we decided that I should move to Texas . . . in two weeks.

Because things progressed so quickly, I’m sure a lot of people thought we were crazy. Fortunately, my family already knew and loved Ty, so they were 100 percent supportive. My friends have been supportive too. Naturally, there were some who had questions about what it would mean for me to marry someone who experienced same-sex attraction, but once people knew I wasn’t worried, they didn’t worry either.

A few weeks before our wedding, people started blogging about Ty Mansfield marrying a woman. Someone created a website that was an open letter to me, telling me not to marry Ty and warning me that I would probably end up divorced and a single mom. It didn’t cause me to doubt or question, but I did feel saddened that one of the happiest events of my life was being sullied by other people’s issues. A lot of mean things were said about Ty. I had known early on that by marrying Ty, I was signing up for a life of some scrutiny, invasive questions, and less privacy than I would have preferred, and I agreed to the whole package . . . but no one likes to have unkind things said about them or the people they love.

Ty, on the other hand, was more worried about me. He had already been through similar experiences on his own, and he was hoping to shield me from that a little longer, but the only thing it served to do was dampen my spirits for a few hours. From the moment when I first read negative accounts of mixed-orientation marriages, I had a clear impression that these stories were not my own and that no one else’s story would impact mine; Ty and I would create our own story together.

I have no doubts or regrets about choosing to marry Ty. Early on, long before we were ever engaged, I felt a momentary flash of fear, but almost as quickly as it came, I felt a powerful, calm reassurance and the thought, “You can trust Ty. He is who he says he is. You know what you have felt.” The fear never returned.

People sometimes want to know what it’s like to be married to someone who experiences same-sex attraction. My answer is, I don’t know. What I do know is what it’s like to be married to Ty Mansfield, and I love it. I feel extremely blessed. Ty is a more loving and affectionate husband than I ever imagined I would find, and he is very patient with my weaknesses.

I have often said that same-sex attraction plays a big part in our lives because of the time Ty has invested in reaching out to others, but from my perspective, it isn’t noticeable in our marriage. I don’t ever think about my husband experiencing SSA unless something stereotypical comes up, like he is a much better decorator than I am and he is a better listener than any other man I’ve ever dated. I also feel like the difficulties associated with addressing SSA have made my husband who he is. They have refined him and drawn him closer to the Lord. His challenges also allowed us to start off our marriage with an ability to discuss things openly, which has been a great blessing.

People also occasionally ask how we’ll tell our children about our story. I don’t think we have a definitive answer yet, but I’m not concerned. We want our children to be emotionally healthy, for them to feel comfortable discussing anything in our home, and for sexuality to be a topic that is approached from a healthy place instead of from a place of taboo or embarrassment. We feel no shame about Ty’s experience with same-sex attraction. My only desire is that our children hear about this from us, rather than from a child of an acquaintance or friend. I’m giving myself at least a few more months to figure that one out since we have at least that long till our baby starts talking. When we do tell our children, they will have experienced already for themselves the stability of being in a family with parents who aren’t perfect, but who love each other and them very much. I imagine that the issue of same-sex attraction will be similar for our children as it is for us—it’s a piece of our story, but it is not the story. And so much of our story is still to be written.

For more information on this topic and resources on the web, visit some of the following links:

* Evergreen

* North Star

* God Loveth His Children (published by the Church in 2007)

* Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction (by Elder Holland)

* Interview with Elder Oaks on Same-Gender Attraction

For LDS parents of children who experience same-gender attraction, click here to read "Advice to Parents: Relating to Your Son or Daughter Experiencing Same-gender Attraction."

Ty Mansfield is a cofounder of the nonprofit organization North Star, a support organization for LDS individuals and families living with same-sex attraction. Visit northstarlds.org for more information.

Relating to Your Son or Daughter Experiencing Same-gender Attraction: Advice to Parents

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by M. Catherine Thomas
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In conjunction with today's featured article, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield (click here to read), we offer this excerpt specifically for LDS parents of children who experience homosexual feelings.

The following is an excerpt from Voices of Hope: Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction, taken from the chapter “Perspectives for Parents.” Click here to learn more.

Listening

As we look to our child, we may find it possible to identify some ways in which we have unwittingly made life more difficult for our child; and then we may consider offering a detailed apology. This is self-care as well as child care because our spirit knows when we have not measured up in a relationship; to heal ourselves, we have to come clean in the relationship. During this apology we will not mention the child’s failings, only our own. We will humbly ask forgiveness and ask how we can be more helpful. We will listen undefensively, as dispassionately as we can. Healing communication can then begin. Then, in addition to much listening, we may be able to share with our child, as time goes on, some points of view that can reassure both our child and us.

Shame and Guilt

Our child will likely be suffering from shame and feelings of unworthiness, even if he has not chosen to express his same-gender attraction sexually. He may have felt directly or indirectly the negativity, sometimes amounting to hatred and vitriol, being poured out, even by some members of the Church, on people dealing with same-gender attraction. His feelings of shame will interfere with his ability to draw close to the Lord for comfort.

Following are responses that two people have had as they have confronted both shame and guilt over their same-gender feelings and the issue of sex. A young LDS woman in her thirties who has just begun coming to terms, after a fifteen-year struggle, with her feelings of attraction for other women, and is wondering what this means for her, wrote me the following about her perception that, at their inception, same-gender feelings do not seem intrinsically sexual.

“It’s not about sex. Other people think that those who might be/are gay are struggling with immoral thoughts/feelings and behaviors. But what you will hear across the board is that the first feeling is that ‘I am different.’ As other teenagers or young adults start to explore with giddiness their crushes and dreamy thoughts of an ideal future, those with same-gender attraction start to try to figure out what is wrong with them. I think THIS is the battlefront.

“They begin to feel shame over their nonsexualized attraction to the same gender, where heterosexuals are encouraged in that attraction, understood, given boundaries to work within, etc. Ultimately, heterosexuals can find legitimate physical/sexual expression for that attraction, but many same-gender-attracted people freeze in that shame—never drifting to immoral thoughts/feelings/behavior, but having no route, or reroute, for that part of themselves—and begin to internalize this struggle.”

Another LDS young man who deals with this challenge wrote similarly:

“The shame is a huge problem. . . . I had similar feelings of being ‘different’ when I was younger, and while I occasionally fantasized about being physically close with other boys, I don’t recall it ever feeling sexual until well into high school—and even then I was so afraid of those feelings that I never allowed myself to acknowledge them. More often than not, I just wanted to feel close to other guys, or I would allow myself to overfocus on qualities in them I felt I lacked, and wanted, in myself.

“I remember once wanting to give my best friend a hug when I saw him, and he looked at me funny and asked if I was gay. That was in fourth grade, I think. All I knew about ‘gay’ was that it was bad, and the shame I felt in that moment led me to tenaciously avoid any behaviors that might be perceived that way. I disowned a lot of parts of my personality, and it’s only been in my adulthood that I’ve been learning to reclaim, reintegrate those parts, and learn to love men in the deep and intimate and healthy ways I only ever wanted anyway.”

Caring for your child would include helping him to let go of shame for the feelings themselves and reassuring him of the Lord’s love. Many people who experience same-gender attraction find that, despite the fact that they are dealing with a set of deeply disconcerting feelings, they can exist in a loving relationship with the Lord in the same system of faith, repentance, and having the Holy Ghost that anyone else can. In this way they are able to embrace a sense of worthiness that allows them to move forward spiritually as they manage these feelings within the bounds the Lord has set.

Elder Holland wrote on making the distinction between feelings and behavior: “While same-gender attraction is real, there must be no physical [sexual or romantic] expression of this attraction. The desire for physical gratification does not authorize immorality by anyone. Such feelings can be powerful, but they are never so strong as to deprive anyone of the freedom to choose worthy conduct. In saying this, let me make it clear that attractions alone, troublesome as they may be, do not make one unworthy.”

Labeling

People tend to behave according to the way they see themselves. Help him to take care with the labels he puts on himself. Lift your child’s sights to a vision of who he really is. Elder Dallin H. Oaks offers this counsel to a parent about what he might say to his child:

“You’re my son. You will always be my son, and I’ll always be there to help you. . . .

“Homosexuality . . . is not a noun that describes a condition. It’s an adjective that describes feelings or behavior. I encourage you, as you struggle with these challenges, not to think of yourself as a ‘something’ or ‘another,’ except that you’re a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and you’re my son, and that you’re struggling with challenges. . . .

“You’ve described a particular kind of challenge that is very vexing. It is common in our society and it has also become politicized. But it’s only one of a host of challenges men and women have to struggle with, and I just encourage you to seek the help of the Savior to resist temptation and to refrain from behavior that would cause you to have to repent or to have your Church membership called into question.”

Shaping a Life

As people dealing with same-gender attraction look at traditional lifestyles, they may not see where they fit in. One young man wrote me: “All of the talks at BYU on dating and marriage, including some in which we were told that if we weren’t dating ‘X’ number of times per week we weren’t magnifying our priesthood, left me feeling especially depressed, broken, and like I was failing God and everyone else around me. It wasn’t until I had a very powerful spiritual witness—in association with Isaiah 56:3–4, actually—that all I needed to do was my best to nurture my relationship with the Lord and to cultivate and follow the Spirit in my life (and whether I married in this life or the next, I was completely accepted of the Lord) that I felt so much of that burden of shame and guilt and depression and failure lift. The love I felt was overwhelming and taught me what my central focus should be. Prior to that, the cultural box I was being shoved into was spiritually and emotionally suffocating.”

Another young man, who chose to serve a mission even while dealing with the challenge of same-gender attraction, describes how he had been mentally and emotionally stuck in choosing the gospel way over the world’s way until he found that he didn’t have to live a traditional life and that, indeed, stereotypes can be ignored:

“I understood, finally, that I was an individual on my own path and that it was impossible to know where that would take me. I did have to make choices along the way, but I wasn’t limited by those stereotypes in my head. And the only thing I had to commit to was the gospel of Jesus Christ. The important distinction was between LDS culture, which isn’t necessarily true, and the fulness of the gospel, which is. When I realized that my path might not look like everyone else’s and that it was really just between the Lord and me, I felt a new confidence. I handed that map over to the Savior and let him navigate—I jumped into the driver’s seat. . . . If we truly trust the Lord, we don’t need to fear the unknown vistas that await us. We can listen to the Spirit and the compass of our hearts and look forward to that day . . . when we realize we have happened onto an answer and that it was the Lord who brought us there. But until then, there’s no reason we shouldn’t roll down the windows and breathe deeply, even if we’re not sure exactly where we are. It’s okay, the Lord does.”

Boundaries

At some point parents are faced with situations in which they wonder what boundary lines might be appropriate because their love for their child versus their sense of right and wrong can create conflict in their minds. Such situations might include whether to attend a marriage or commitment ceremony, or what role a potential partner might play within the family. Elder Oaks was asked: “At what point does showing that love cross the line into inadvertently endorsing behavior? If the son says, ‘Well, if you love me, can I bring my partner to our home to visit? Can we come for holidays?’ How do you balance that against, for example, concern for other children in the home?”

Can a parent’s love cross a line and inadvertently endorse homosexual practice? Elder Oaks responded: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration. I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. There would also be other factors that would make that the likely answer. . . . There are so many different circumstances, it’s impossible to give one answer that fits all.”

Elder Wickman emphasizes a parent’s need to avoid the pitfall of defending a child’s homosexual lifestyle: “I think it’s important as a parent to avoid a potential trap arising out of one’s anguish over this situation. I refer to a shift from defending the Lord’s way to defending the errant child’s lifestyle, both with him and with others. It really is true the Lord’s way is to love the sinner while condemning the sin. That is to say we continue to open our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children, but that need not be with approval of their lifestyle. Neither does it mean we need to be constantly telling them that their lifestyle is inappropriate. An even bigger error is now to become defensive of the child because that neither helps the child nor helps the parent. That course of action, which experience teaches, is almost certainly to lead both away from the Lord’s way.”

One mother remarks that she has said to her son: “‘I love you and respect your feelings, and I know you will respect mine. Because you were reared in the Church, you know what my standards are.’ He is fine with that because he prides himself on being an honest person.”

Elder Oaks mentioned that different circumstances may require different responses. After fasting and prayer, one set of parents in a home where there were no younger children chose to let the child and his long-term partner make the decision as to whether they would share a bedroom in the family home. The key seems to be Elder Oaks’s statement: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration.”

Click here to read the companion piece, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield.

Church's 12-step recovery program offers help and hope

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Alexa Justesen - LDS Living
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: A look at the Church's 12-step recovery program "Addiction Recovery," administered through LDS Family Services - a program which utilizes gospel principles and can be used for everything from substance abuse to pornography.

This article is a companion to yesterday's article on pornography. You can click here to read it.

Overcoming addiction, whether it be to pornography, gambling, or something else, can be heartbreaking and challenging for both the addict and his or her loved ones. Many people don’t know where to turn for help or where to begin their recovery, which may cause them to give up and continue down a slippery path.

This is where LDS Family Services comes in. With the help of the organization's Addiction Recovery program, those suffering from the effects of addiction can find help and hope.

In almost every area of the world, the LDS Church has Addiction Recovery programs. At the program’s foundation are 12 steps to recovery that each addict must complete, based on the steps that the Alcoholics Anonymous program uses but rewritten so that each one leads back to the Atonement of Christ.

Elder and Sister McCrary, Church Service missionaries and the coordinators for the Weber County Addiction Recovery Services in Utah, firmly believe that everyone can recover. Said Elder McCrary, “If people work with the steps and are willing to trust the Savior enough to turn their addiction over to him, that’s when the healing happens.”

So what makes this recovery program different from others? “The gospel is essential in this program. The spirit is in every meeting, and it is what does all the heavy lifting.” Elder McCrary, who has directed quite a few meetings as a coordinator, said that “there is a spirit in those meetings that you cannot express in words. The Lord cares about his sheep who are struggling.”

A challenge that many addicts face is that of fear of their secret getting out. The meetings, however, are a safe place because of the strict sense of confidentiality. Every attendee understands that for that hour or so, they are “invisible” in the sense that no one outside of the group knows he or she is there. Elder McCrary said that “confidentiality and anonymity make it the perfect place for people to share and receive help.”

These classes are a great place to start for recovering addicts because they provide a support system. Each session is directed by Church service missionaries, and each recovering addict discusses challenges and successes. The practice of the addiction is not talked about, but the recovery process is. Elder McCrary said that “the worst thing about being an addict is the isolation. You feel like you are completely alone . . . That’s what is marvelous about the meetings. No one ever gets looked down on or judged. We are there to help.”

The addict does need to be aware, though, that simply attending the meetings will not automatically make the addiction disappear. Overcoming it requires a great amount of effort and faith, as well as an adherence to the 12 steps. “Like any class you have ever attended, you are going to get out of it what you put into it. For those who are willing to follow the steps, the program will give them success,” Elder McCrary said.

For those who are involved in helping a recovering addict, Elder McCrary recommended offering support by attending meetings with the addict. In fact, attending the meetings may even help those who aren’t actually dealing with the addiction, as addictions can cause damage not only to the life of the addict but to loved ones as well. These meetings provide help and comfort as those involved work to overcome the addiction. “Family and friends are completely welcome to attend with the addict. Sometimes they too need healing and recovery.” In fact, Elder and Sister McCrary have even seen the program save marriages and other relationships as people get involved.

Everyone struggling with any kind of addiction, from substance abuse to pornography, is welcome to attend the addiction recovery meetings, whether they are members of the Church or not. Elder McCrary says they must simply adhere to a few rules, such as the strict confidentiality agreement. If you would like to attend a meeting, your bishop is a wonderful resource who can provide information about meetings in your area, or you can visit the Provident Living website for more information.

To find out more about the 12 steps and how to overcome an addiction, LDS Family Services has a helpful handbook, “A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing,” available at Deseret Book Distribution centers or online at providentliving.org.

Fighting the Battle Against Pornography

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Briana Stewart
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Pull the rug out from under pornography. Brush up on why we need to worry, who pornography is affecting, how to prevent it, how to get help, and why—amidst this daunting plague—there is still overwhelming hope.

Pornography is an issue that’s been swept under the rug for years. But it’s 2012, and we’re running out of rugs. In a world where pornography is not only accepted but applauded, our brooms need to be used for clean combat rather than hidden anguish.

“We are being inundated with sexualized messages—even in the most benign places,” says Jill C. Manning, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of What’s The Big Deal About Pornography? “If we are not actively protecting ourselves and loved ones from these toxic messages, we risk leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack.”

And what a brutal attack it is. Men, women, children, spouses, family members—no one is safe from the damaging effects of pornography.

What’s more, it’s not enough to simply abstain from it. Latter-day Saints need to fight the clean fight and actively rid their homes of this mess of an addiction.

“The days of simply putting the computer in an open area of the house are long gone,” says Geoff Steurer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, Utah. “We are so past that simplified form of prevention, thanks to our world of in-your-face media. We have to be more active than we’ve ever been before. Because if we don’t, we’re going to lose this battle.”

The Big Deal

We’ve all heard it before—those subtle (and not-so-subtle) exchanges on movies and television that paint pornography in a jovial light. We’re talking the “boys will be boys” mantras, the “it’s not harming anyone” claims, or the “it saved our marriage” declarations.

But the truth is, pornography is neither harmless nor helpful.

“Pornography use is not simply a habit,” says Manning. “It is a mood altering, belief changing, relationship damaging, addiction forming, socially harmful, spiritually deadening, and life crippling practice through which one practices the ways of the adversary.”

And the statistics are equally alarming. In 2006, worldwide pornography revenue was more than $97 billion ($13 billion of which came from the U.S.).

According to Enough is Enough, every second, $3,075.64 is spent on pornography; 28,258 Internet viewers look at it; and 372 users type “adult” terms into search engines.

Every 39 minutes, a new pornographic video is made in the U.S.

And perhaps most alarming, it’s been reported that 79 percent of young people’s unwanted exposure to pornography occurs in the home.

It was stats like these that propelled Pamela Atkinson, president of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography, into battle.

“The more I learned about pornography, the more I knew I had to fight against it,” Atkinson says. “It’s spreading at such a rapid rate, and not just with individuals but with entire families. I just shudder when I hear people say it’s harmless.”

Church apostles and prophets are equally concerned with how pornography is affecting us. Just take a look at their official statement on pornography, which can be found on lds.org:

It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: ‘Thou shalt not . . . commit adultery . . . nor do anything like unto it’ (D&C 59:6). Pornography is tragically addictive. Like other addictions, it leads people to experiment and to seek more powerful stimulations. Those who experiment with it and allow themselves to remain caught in its trap will find that it will destroy them, degrading their minds, hearts and spirits. It will rob them of self-respect and of their sense of the beauties of life. It will tear them down and lead them to evil thoughts and possibly evil actions. It will cause terrible damage to their family relationships.

And “evil” is no exaggeration.

“I’ve met with people whose lives have been altered by pornography to the point of destruction,” Atkinson says. “Many people are surprised to know pornography consumption can be the leading cause of sexual violence, assault, and even sex trafficking. In fact, a high percentage of sexual predators started with what they call soft-core pornography. There are no limits to its devastation.”

Keep reading on the next page to find out who is being affected, and its effects.

The Who

Pornography has historically been considered a man’s issue, but times are changing.

In addition to men, more women are partaking in it, children are being exposed at earlier ages, and marriages and families are suffering because of it.

“People think pornography is something people somewhere else do,” Atkinson says. “But it could be a family member, a neighbor, or someone at church—it’s everywhere, and we can’t ignore it anymore.”

Here’s a breakdown of the groups affected by pornography, along with the startling damages it can bring.

Men

Men are still the number-one consumer of pornography, and it’s a trend that has only continued to climb.

“Pornography shuts men down emotionally,” Steurer says. “And it’s not an issue of being sex crazed—which I think is often misunderstood. This is an addiction that covers up other emotions, and it can lead men to view women in a different way, affect the way they feel about themselves, and cause them to become moody and distant.”

Additionally, it can lead to an obsession with fantasy and distaste for reality.

“Oftentimes, they become less interested in their own lives and less interested in having sex with their spouses,” Steurer says. “In some cases, it leads men to take more risks that may lead to affairs or even criminal activity. They can become completely, totally different people.”

Women

The growing trend of women and pornography is a startling one, perhaps because it’s so seldom discussed. A big part of that is the explosion—and anonymity—of the Internet.

“The Internet is the great equalizer on many things, but sadly, it’s also the great equalizer with the pornography industry,” Manning says. “Instead of being a boys club, you have women who can now access this material in private online—women who wouldn’t have dared show their face in an adult video store 15 years ago.”

Part of the desire, Steurer believes, comes from the pressure women receive about their appearance.

“Women are being told at every turn that their power and influence comes from their bodies,” he says. “Back in the day, publications like Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal were touting a message for women to rise up and be better homemakers and have better character. And now the message is not about serving your family, but about how hot you can be and how to satisfy your man. Women are being groomed to think of themselves as only sexual beings.”

And as a result, that grooming can spark curiosity and lead women to engage in online pornography sites, graphic romance novels, and the ever-growing trend of sexting.

“More women send nudity across their cell phones than men do,” Steurer says. “They think it’s what men want, and then they get hooked. Too often, their self worth comes from being accepted by men in this way, which only furthers their immersion into the pornography world.”

Youth

A number of research studies show kids being exposed to their first pornographic image at an average age of 11.

That’s Primary age, folks.

“Thanks to the media, kids are being taught at younger ages that pornography is an acceptable form of expression,” Steurer says. “And in homes where these issues are not discussed, they’re too young to realize what’s happening to them. They don’t understand the gravity of these messages, which are both subliminal and overt.”

Jan Garbett, president of Women For Decency, an organization that links women together in the fight against offensive content, wholeheartedly concurs.

“When we leave our kids to fend for themselves in sexual matters, it isn’t fair,” she says. “It’s like giving your sixth grader the keys to the Ferrari and saying, ‘Want to go to the beach? Great! We’ll meet you there.’ They are on this super highway in this incredible machine, but they don’t know how to drive it.”

Spouses and Family Members

Pornography can affect the marital unit on two levels. The first is a matter of one partner secretly engaging in pornographic material.

“It can literally feel as though your spouse has had an affair,” Steurer says. “As Latter-day Saints, we live in a world where we value monogamy, fidelity, and commitment, and when a spouse turns to someone else—even if it’s not a real, live person—the betrayal feels the same and the insecurities arise: ‘What’s wrong with me? Why am I not enough?’”

The second effect happens to couples who view pornography openly.

“Speaking as a researcher, there is no data that shows pornography is helpful to marriages—and that holds true for couples who consume it openly and mutually,” Manning says. “Actually, what we see is the opposite. There is a body of data growing that fully supports what our prophets and apostles have been telling us, and it’s that pornography undermines fidelity, trust, and intimacy in marriage.”

Regardless of how it’s viewed, the effects on marriages (and consequently families) are monumental. Below, Manning lists 10 such effects:

· Decreased sensitivity toward women

· Less progressive views of gender roles

· Increased risk of becoming aggressive, violent, and abusive

· Three times more likely to commit adultery and four times more likely to hire a prostitute

· Acquire an instrumental view of sexuality

· Increased risk of sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction

· Decreased trust in partner

· Decreased desire to marry and have children

· Increased risk of separation, divorce, and job loss

· Diminished spirituality and respect of sacred aspects of life

Keep reading on the next page for prevention tips and resources for healing.

Prevention

With the world not taking the pornography problem seriously (or in many cases, even acknowledging it as a problem), it is imperative that LDS families take matters into their own homes.

“We need to be empowered to teach our children and families about this toxic topic,” Garbett says. “We all need to become more educated on prevention rather than merely worrying about it after the fact.”

Here are seven ways to maximize prevention in your home.

1. Look at your media access points.

“You have to look at all the media access in your home—Internet, mobile devices, television, magazines, books, etc.,” Manning says. “Examine those access points carefully and do what you can to filter or stop it.”

And while having the computer in an open area isn’t enough, it is still a crucial component.

“A child should never have a computer in his or her bedroom,” Atkinson says. “It opens them up to all kinds of dangers.”

2. Look at your spiritual/emotional access.

“Having internal filters is far more effective than running any sort of program on your computer,” Manning says. “Be honest with what makes your family vulnerable and what temptations you struggle with—and then cater your family media guidelines to those vulnerabilities.”

3. Establish a formal family media pledge.

“It’s important to not just think about guidelines for your family—write them down, print it out, and have each member of your family sign it,” Manning says. “Make an FHE out of it!”

4. Practice what you pledge.

“Example is one of the most powerful tools we have for our kids,” Manning says. “And if it means our own media intake is more wholesome because of it? All the better.”

5. Have open and honest discussions with your kids about sexual matters.

“We need to teach our kids about healthy sexuality, and it starts with our infants and toddlers,” Manning says. “A lot of parents are reluctant to talk to their kids because the subject matter makes them uncomfortable. But we live in a world where we don’t have a choice. If they don’t hear it from us, they’re going to hear it skewed and distorted from somewhere else.”

Manning and Steurer both highly recommend “A Parent’s Guide,” which is an official LDS Church booklet (and free download on lds.org) to teach your kids about intimacy.

“It’s actually old—written in 1985—and it’s one of the best out there without question,” Steurer says. “It’s so interesting, because so often the Church gets accused of being a little prudish when it comes to these areas. But it’s documents like these that give us the perfect foundation and language to teach our families. It’s so much easier to explain pornography to our kids—and why to avoid it—if they have a healthy foundation from a young age.”

6. Teach your teens about the serious penalties of engaging in pornography.

“Children need to be alerted to the potentially tragic consequences of their actions,” Atkinson says. “When they engage in activities like sexting, which is so popular with kids today, they are opening themselves up to potential issues with the law. They need to know that if there is a question in their mind, the content shouldn’t be sent.”

7. Have a plan.

Discuss a game plan with your children of what to do if they come across pornographic material. Ideally, they would turn it off, come to you, and discuss what they saw and how they felt.

“We have all kinds of drills at school—fire drills, earthquake drills—but we really need to have spiritual drills where we know what to do when we’re confronted with damaging content,” Manning says.

“We need to leverage our relationships with our kids,” Garbett adds. “We need to teach them in a way they will listen. We can’t frighten, offend them, or overreact. We need to calmly tell them how glad we are they came to us, and then talk about the problem and how to avoid it in the future.”

Help Wanted

If pornography has already plagued your family, the battle isn’t lost. Here are five steps to getting the help you need.

Come out of hiding.

“Tell somebody your story, which is one of the hardest things to do,” Steurer says. “Tell someone you trust—a spouse, a counselor, a bishop. You can’t [overcome] it in isolation.”

Seek professional help.

“Most people need a combination of counseling, group support, and ecclesiastical assistance,” Steurer says. “People who utilize all of these areas will have infinitely more success, and people who tippy-toe around the problem will continue to struggle. You can’t do this halfway.”

Learn about healthy sexuality.

“Understand the clear and distinct difference between pornography and healthy sexuality—way too many people aren’t clear on that,” Manning says. “If we are going to be responsible sexual beings, it behooves us to express our sexuality in ways that do no harm. We have not been put on this planet and blessed with the power of procreation to have it do harm.”

Challenge your brain.

“Part of getting help is learning how to discipline your mind,” Manning says. “Take up a hobby, find a new passion in your life, enroll in a class, challenge yourself.”

Find spiritual healing.

“Pornography is deadening to one’s spirit. There is nothing godly or of virtue to be found,” Manning says. “When we become addicted to anything, we become a slave to it, which takes us away from our divine center. That spiritual focus is crucial to healing.”

And in the unfortunate cases where our kids struggle with pornography, embrace them, help them, and guide them— without judgment.

“Parents have to create a safe environment to talk about the problem,” Steurer says. “Let your child know that he or she is not bad or evil. Teach them that what they are feeling is normal—pornography simply hijacked it. They got a false start, and now you’re concerned with protecting them and getting them help.”

Get Your Hopes Up

Pornography is a dark and heavy subject—there’s no getting around it. But we can’t be defeated by the filth.

In fact, Manning sees a clean sweep, even if it is years away.

“I compare it to what we’ve seen in the tobacco and cigarette industry. There was a tipping point with a large body of research that started to shift the culture tide,” Manning says. “A similar thing will happen with pornography. There will be a body of medical evidence that will show the harmful effects pornography has on the brain and on relationships—and our culture tide will start to shift. We are a long way from that, but the research gives me hope.”

Steurer is equally optimistic.

“Don’t be afraid of this,” he says. “People that confront pornography and get help become better people through the challenge. Stop running from the problem. Stop living in hiding. There is hope.”

And in the meantime? Fight, fight, fight.

“I was at a women’s conference where general Relief Society president Julie Beck made a rallying cry and told us women that we need to fight against the pornography infiltrating our society. It stirred my soul and made me want to say, ‘Hey, Julie, I’m there!’” Garbett says. “I don’t have all the time in the world, but I have a minute. We have to be courageous. We have to fear God more than man. We’re on the battle lines, and I’m ready to fight.”

And nothing irritates Satan more than a good, clean fight.

“When we feel apprehensive or hesitant to discuss these kinds of topics, we need to remind ourselves that the adversary would love nothing more than for it to be shoved under the rug,” Manning says. “But we can’t let that happen. There is too much to live for and too much to hope for.”

You can also learn more about the Church's Addiction Recovery Programs by clicking here.

This article was originally published in the March/April 2012 issue of LDS Living. Click here to learn more.

FHE: Potential

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:05:00 -0700

by Shauna Gibby
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: When we see our potential, it helps us reach beyond our weaknesses and selfish tendencies and live up to Heavenly Father's expectations. Conference Talk:
For more information on this topic read “Your Potential, Your Privilege,” by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign, May 2011, 58.

Thought:
Think of what a glorious thing it is to reach beyond our earthly limitations, to have the eyes of our understanding opened and receive light and knowledge from celestial sources!

(President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Your Potential, Your Privilege,” Ensign, May 2011, 58.)

Song:
“I Am a Child of God,” Children’s Songbook, p. 2.

Scripture:
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)

Object Lesson:
Materials Needed: A mirror.

Procedure: Show mirror to family, let them see themselves if possible.

Ask: Does a mirror ever give us a true likeness of ourselves? Explain that a mirror throws our reflection back at us in reverse. We are so used to seeing ourselves in the way the mirror show us that few of us would recognize ourselves any other way. We all should seek for a glimpse of ourselves as seen in the sight of God. That wold be most revealing and most helpful.

(Adapted from Albert L. Zobell, Jr., Talks To See, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1971], p. 110.)

Story:
A beautiful young woman sent me a book entitled Hope for the Flowers (Trina Paulus [Paramus, N. J.: Paulist Press, 1972]). Let me share its message with you.

It tells of a tiny striped caterpillar and how he joined a pile of other squirming, pushing caterpillars who were trying to get to the top of the pile. It was only when he talked to a certain yellow caterpillar that the two of them decided that getting on the top wasn’t really what they wanted most. So, they climbed down and away from the others. They enjoyed being together, and they ate and grew fat until one day they became bored, and they wanted to find out if there was more to life. The striped caterpillar decided to find out by climbing again to the top of the caterpillar pile. The yellow caterpillar felt ashamed that she didn’t agree but decided it was better to wait until she could take action she could believe in. So he climbed, and she wandered aimlessly until she saw a caterpillar hanging upside down on a branch and caught in some hairy substance. She said, “You seem to be in trouble. Can I help you?” “No,” said the hanging caterpillar, “I have to do this to become a butterfly.”

“Butterfly? What is a butterfly?”

“It’s what you are meant to be. It flies with beautiful wings and joins the earth to heaven. It drinks only nectar from the flowers and carries seeds of love from one flower to another. Without butterflies the world would soon have few flowers.”

The yellow caterpillar exclaimed, “It can’t be true! How can I believe there’s a butterfly inside you or me when all I see is a fuzzy worm? How does one become a butterfly?”

The hanging caterpillar said, “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

The yellow caterpillar began fearfully but continued the process until at length she became a butterfly. Then she helped the striped caterpillar learn who he was and leave the pile to become what he was really meant to be. . . .

So it is for us as Latter-day Saints. We too must act worthy of ourselves and the glorious vision of truth and eternity which has been restored to us. That vision of eternal growth and gentle, loving persuasion is too great a dream to let go of when we hunger in our hearts to be one with our Savior.

The power is in you to reach out and claim those blessings. You have the powers within you to be Christlike. It is what you are meant to be.

(Barbara B. Smith, "The Powers Within You," speech given at Brigham Young University on 1 February 1981. © Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved.)

Activity:
Play “Who Am I?”

Divide the players into two groups. To begin select a player from one of the groups to be “it.” “It” decides on a character from either the Bible, the Book of Mormon, or Latter-day Saint leaders and announces it source to the players. He then gives a clue; for instance if “it” chose Moses, he could say, “I went up a mountain.” Each group has one guess and if it gives the correct answer that side receives ten points. If no correct answer is given, another clue is offered for nine points, and so on. When the answer is given or the count gets to zero the other side choose one to be “it.”

(Alma Heaton, The LDS Game Book, [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1968], p. 34.)

Refreshment
Hazie’s Lazy-Dazy Cake

2 eggs
1 cup sugar
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup milk
Dollop butter (about the size of a walnut)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 recipe Lazy- Dazy Frosting (see below)

Grease and flour a 9x13-inch metal baking pan. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

In a large bowl, beat the eggs lightly with a wire whisk. Beat the sugar into the eggs until combined well. In a separate bowl, sift the flour and baking powder together, and then stir it into the egg mixture; set aside. In a small saucepan, heat the milk over low heat until it is just about to boil. Stir constantly to prevent milk from scorching. Add the butter to the hot milk and stir until the butter melts. Immediately pour the hot milk/butter into the flour and egg mixture. Stir in the vanilla. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 25 to 30 minutes. Prepare Lazy- Dazy Frosting while cake is baking; pour over the cake while the cake is still hot. Return cake to the oven and turn on the broiler to brown the coconut. Watch carefully, so you don’t burn the cake.

Serves 12 to 16.

Lazy-Dazy Frosting

1/4 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup (1-1/2 sticks) butter
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1 cup shredded coconut

Combine all ingredients in a heavy saucepan over medium- high heat. Bring mixture to a boil, stirring consistantly; maintain boil for 31/2 minutes.

(Clark L. and Kathryn H. Kidd, 52 Weeks of Recipes for Student, Missionaries, and Nervous Cooks, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2007], p. 36.)

To get the PDF version of this lesson, click here.

Finding Hope: 10th Anniversary of 9/11

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 12:29:00 -0600

source: youtube.com/MormonMessages

Mormon Life says: We posted a video of Victor Guzman earlier, but this is different: this describes Guzman's actual experiences on September 11, 2001, as he went to work, experienced the tragedy of the World Trade Center attacks, and the aftermath. Wow.

Setting records, sharing hope at Time Out for Women

Tue, 23 Nov 2010 09:44:00 -0700

source: MormonTimes.com

They had hoped to gather enough supplies for 150 hygiene kits to donate to the Road Home shelter.

Laurel Christensen asked the 3,900 women on Friday night at Time Out for Women to bring any extra body wash and other toiletries back Saturday morning as they were short a few supplies.

In the end, about 720 kits were assembled.

It was a record for the Deseret Book-sponsored event, which has been to 18 cities on the 2010 Infinite Hope tour.

Friends Laura Holk, Danielle Bigelow and Karina Taylor, all mothers from South Jordan, Utah, helped put together the kits, which admittedly wasn't too difficult.

The line of women filled clear plastic bags with washcloths, small bottles of shampoo, toothbrushes, razors and other items.

"It helps to give back," said Taylor, especially since they all had enjoyed the two-day event that included different presenters and musicians.

FHE: Hope

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 00:03:00 -0600

by Shauna Gibby
source: MormonLife.com

Conference Talk:

For more information on this topic read “The Rock of Our Redeemer,” by Wilford W. Andersen, Ensign, May 2010, 16–18.

Thought:

The early [pioneer] Saints were indeed homeless, but they were not hopeless. They had learned a profound and important lesson. They had learned that hope, with its attendant blessings of peace and joy, does not depend upon circumstance. (Wilford W. Andersen, “The Rock of Our Redeemer,” Ensign, May 2010, 16–18.)

Song:

“Hope of Israel,” Hymns, #259.

Scripture:

And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope? And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise. Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.(Moroni 7:40-42)

Lesson:

Tell your family you are going to play a game called “Seek.” Tell them that the object of the game is to be able to find a picture of Jesus within a certain time, and if they do they will get a treat. Ask for a volunteer to leave the room momentarily. While the family member is out of the room, hide a picture of the Savior. Invite the family member back into the room and let him or her begin searching. If the person has difficulty finding the picture, the rest of the family can help by saying “warmer” when the one seeking the picture is moving closer to it and by saying “colder” when the person is moving farther away from the picture. When the person has found the picture, give him or her a small treat or reward. You could have several family members take a turn being the one trying to find the picture. After the game, have a family member read aloud Ether 12:31-32 and 41. Ask:

How do we receive the “more excellent hope” the scripture talks about?
How can we “liken” the game we just played to what Moroni and all prophets ask us to do?
In what ways can you “seek Jesus” in your life?

Explain that Jesus Christ is the source of our hope and that by seeking Him we can gain that hope.

(Dennis H. Leavitt and Richard O. Christensen, Scripture Study for Latter-day Saint Families: The Book of Mormon, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2003], p. 351.)

Story:

Not long ago, I visited Elder Orin Voorheis at his parents’ home in Pleasant Grove, Utah. He is a big, handsome, splendid young man who served in the Argentina Buenos Aires South Mission. One night, about eleven months into his mission, some armed robbers accosted Elder Voorheis and his companion. In a senseless act of violence, one of them shot Elder Voorheis in the head. For days he hovered between life and death, unable to speak, hear, move, or even breathe on his own. Through the faith and prayers of a host of people over a long period of time, he eventually was taken off life support and brought back to the United States.

After months of extensive hospitalization and therapy, Elder Voorheis became stronger, but he was still paralyzed and unable to speak. Progress was slow. His parents decided that they should bring their son home and care for him in the loving atmosphere of their own family. However, their modest home lacked the space or equipment to give the needed therapy. Many kind neighbors, friends, and benefactors pitched in to build an addition to the home and provide physical therapy equipment.

Elder Voorheis is still almost completely paralyzed and unable to speak, but he has a wonderful spirit and can respond to questions with hand movements. He still wears his missionary badge. Hisparents do not ask, “Why did this happen to our noble son, who was serving at the call of the Master?” No one has a certain answer except perhaps in circumstances where higher purposes are served. We must walk in faith. We recall the Savior’s reply to the question, “Who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?” The Savior answered that no one was at fault but that the works of God mightbe manifest in him (see John 9:1–3). Rather than harbor bitterness, the members of the Voorheis familybow their heads and say to the Lord: “Thy will be done. We have been grateful for him every day of his life, and with the help of others we will willingly bear the burden of caring for him.

”My purpose in visiting Elder Voorheis was to join his father, his bishop, his home teacher, and others in giving him a blessing of hope. Some may ask, “Is there hope for Elder Voorheis in this life?”I believe there is great hope for everyone! Sometimes we ask God for miracles, and they often happen, but not always in the manner we expect. The quality of Elder Voorheis’s life is less than desirable, but the influence of his life on others is incalculable and everlasting both here and in Argentina. Indeed,after his accident the Kilómetro 26 Branch, where he served in Argentina, grew rapidly and quickly qualified for the construction of a chapel.

Hope is trust in God’s promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled inthe future. Abraham “against hope believed in hope, that he might become the father of many nations.”Contrary to human reason, he trusted God, “fully persuaded” that God would fulfill His promises ofgiving Abraham and Sarah a child in their old ages (see Romans 4:18–21).

(James E. Faust, Stories From My Life, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2001], p. 127.)

Activity:

Preparation: place several ordinary objects inside separate stockings. Items could include suchthings as a spoon, a toothbrush, a toy, a small ball, etc. Tie the top or secure with a twist tie.

Play: Give each player a pencil and paper. Pass the stockings around, allowing each person to feelthe contents. The player writes what he thinks he felt in the stocking. When all have had a turn, thecontents are shown to the players and papers are checked. Remind family members the scriptures tell us to have “hope for things which are not seen, which are true.”

Refreshment

Peanutty-Choco Jumble

1cup (6 ounces) milk chocolate chips
1cup (6 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup peanut butter
1 box (12.3-ounce) Crispix® cereal
2 cups powdered sugar

Melt chocolate chips and peanut butter in microwave or in double boiler over hot, simmering water. Pour mixture over cereal in a large bowl. Mix well. Pour powdered sugar in large brown paper bag.Add cereal mixture and shake until coated. Makes approximately 12 cups.

(Lion House Christmas, [Salt Lake City: Shadow Mountain, 2006], p. 140.)

Click here for the pdf.

Hope Rising

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Lawson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: A family tragedy would lead this ordinary housewife down an unexpected path—one that would bring hope and healing to thousands of people half a world away.

Ten years ago Becky Douglas's life changed forever.

Her oldest daughter, Amber, lost her battle with bipolar disorder and took her own life while away at college. As a grieving Douglas sorted through her daughter's belongings, she discovered that Amber had been sending money to India to support an orphan. "I think because she suffered so much she had a real soft spot for others who suffered," Douglas recalls.

In lieu of flowers, the family asked that donations be made to the orphanage; so much money was collected that Douglas was asked to serve on the orphanage's board of directors. "I decided I'd better go to India to see first-hand what was going on," she says.

During her visit, Douglas found the orphanage to be clean and the children well cared for. "They actually had a lot by Indian standards," she says. But while driving through the city of Chennai, between the orphanage and her hotel, she was struck by the intense suffering of the beggars who assailed her car at every stop. Dirty and deformed, some with gaping wounds, these beggars were afflicted with a debilitating disease that Douglas thought was a thing of the past - leprosy.

"It's hard to admit, but it hurt to look at them," she recalls. "The suffering was palpable - I just wanted to turn away."

When Douglas returned home, she couldn't sleep. She kept seeing the image of one leprosy-affected woman, a young mother, who had crawled toward her car in Chennai. As Douglas rolled down the window to make sure their car wouldn't harm the woman as they pulled away, their eyes met. Those anguished eyes haunted Douglas, and she finally resolved that she would try to do something to help that woman. "I didn't even know where to start, but I had to do something."

She called four close friends, and together they created Rising Star Outreach, a nonprofit organization dedicated to serving leprosy victims in India and their children, who live with them in the leprosy colonies. But as the charity began to take shape and Douglas began to educate herself about the disease, she learned that in India people afflicted with leprosy lost much more than their health - they were treated as "untouchables," disowned by family members, and cast out of society because of the cultural stigma associated with the disease.

"Leprosy is considered to be the worst curse God can give a man," Douglas says. "It's a common belief that if you have this disease, you're being punished for a sin you committed in this life or a previous one."

Despite the fact that leprosy is curable and easily treated (in fact, the Indian government offers treatment free of charge), those afflicted with the disease are often too ashamed and afraid to seek treatment. They've been forced to abandon life as they know it to live in leprosy colonies on the outskirts of civilization and beg on the streets for survival.

To help leprosy victims and their families as much as possible, Douglas eventually determined that Rising Star Outreach needed to take a three-pronged approach: provide mobile medical care for people living in the colonies, create a safe learning environment for the children of leprosy patients, and offer micro business loans to help leprosy-affected individuals become self-sufficient. This formula has had great success, thanks in large part to the selfless volunteers who come from around the world to serve with Rising Star. "It will be the hardest work you've ever done, but when our volunteers come back, they feel like they have the power to change the world," Douglas says.

Mobile Medical Care Due to lack of resources and terrible living conditions, leprosy victims are often forced to use crude instruments in unsanitary conditions to treat their sores. But Rising Star is changing that by giving patients access to clean bandages and medications through its mobile medical clinic. A medical team makes visits to the leprosy colonies several times each month to properly care for wounds, treat other diseases such as tuberculosis and diabetes, and screen people for the beginning stages of leprosy. "If caught early on, a person can avoid any physical signs that he or she was ever afflicted with leprosy," Douglas says.

Volunteers also help leprosy patients care for their injuries. "Patients will sit on chairs while our volunteers wash their hands and feet," Douglas explains. "Leprosy patients don't have feeling in their extremities, so they often injure themselves, causing open sores or ulcers. Leprosy-affected people are treated as untouchables, but caring for their wounds requires a lot of touching," she continues. "There is a power to heal that is born from love and from touch."

Education Even if they are disease-free, the children of leprosy victims are also branded by the stigma and are forced to become street beggars like their parents. And because leprosy has a genetic aspect - only people with a positive component are susceptible to the disease - children of leprosy patients are in grave danger of contracting leprosy themselves. "Long-term exposure and poor living conditions put colony kids at much greater risk for developing leprosy," Douglas says.

But by providing colony kids a separate place to live and go to school, giving them nutritious meals, and teaching them proper hygiene, Rising Star Outreach has greatly reduced that risk. In addition, "the children at our schools learn computer skills and are taught English, which helps ensure their success in the future," Douglas says. "Indian companies will not hire them, but international companies don't care about the leprosy stigma. We're determined to take our kids and putting them at the top of Indian society by helping them become competitive in the international job market."

According to Douglas, there are almost two hundred children in Rising Star's elementary and secondary schools.

Micro Businesses For leprosy victims, street begging seems like their only option for survival. But thanks to Rising Star Outreach and their partnership with Padma Venkataraman, a well-known activist and daughter of a former Indian president, thousands of leprosy victims who were once beggars have been able to receive micro loans to build their own businesses.

"Business is a great vehicle to eliminate stigma and prejudice," says Douglas. "The stigmas kind of melt away when both parties are benefiting." As the micro loans are repaid, the money is loaned again to other families, giving even more leprosy patients the opportunity to enjoy a new way of life.

"Sadly, when you beg on the streets, the worse you look the more money you make," says Douglas. "It makes leprosy victims want to be the worst they can be. But when they start their micro businesses, they begin cleaning themselves up. The transformation, both inside and outside, is amazing."

*** What started as Becky Douglas's determination to continue her daughter's legacy of giving has turned into a thriving organization that is successfully breaking the tragic cycle of leprosy in India. "We've been invited to open up facilities in nearly every state in the country," she says. "It just goes to show that if you take the first step, God brings the world to you and you can do amazing things. Everyone can make a big difference."

To date Rising Star Outreach has helped more than twenty thousand people. Visit risingstaroutreach.org to learn how you can volunteer in India or help in another way.

--- Stay tuned on LDSLiving.com over August and September as Jamie Lawson documents her experiences of living and working alongside the leprosy victims of Rising Star Outreach.

Making a Difference: Hope in a Bag

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Lacey Kupfer Wulf
source: MormonLife.com

Child Protective Services (CPS) doesn't remove children from their homes unless they feel that the children have been neglected or abused. Michelle Chesher, the assistant program manager at the CPS location in Mesa, Arizona, explains, "Child abuse ranges from physical to sexual to emotional. Sometimes the parents can't provide a suitable home for their children. About ninety percent of these children have had drugs in their homes."

When CPS comes to remove a child from these situations, the worker gives each child a plastic garbage bag or a pillow case to pack his or her clothes, toys, and other belongings in ten to fifteen minutes. "Often the parents are angry, and the children are scared and confused," says Chesher. "When they move to a foster home or to a relative's home, the children - especially the older children - can be embarrassed by carrying their possessions in a garbage bag."

So in Mesa, Arizona, Todd Kupfer, a seventeen-year-old in the Mesa East Eighteenth Ward, decided to do something about it. He recognized in a newspaper ad the need for bags and saw an opportunity for a meaningful Eagle Project. "I wanted to help. These kids have already been through traumatizing experiences like abuse. When they are given trash bags, their stuff is being treated like garbage," he says.

At his Eagle Project activity, Kupfer, his friends, and his ward members cut and sewed donated material, strung string through the sewed fabric, and wrote notes to the children. Ward member Margie Owens says, "We had a good time together, and we knew we were doing something good for these kids."

Debra Whipple, another ward member, shares, "It was a really sweet but hard experience to come up with things to say that would be comforting to them at that time." Merrilee Kupfer, Todd's mother, adds, "We just want these kids to know that they are loved."

"I hope to help the kids realize that someone cares about them and that their bag was specifically made just for them," says Todd, who exceeded his goal of making 100 bags by making 136.

Chesher affirms the hope behind the donations. "These bags will give them a sense of pride and self-esteem. They won't have to be embarrassed about what they carry their stuff in anymore," she says.

The CPS location in Arizona has received bags from different groups and projects similar to Todd's, such as elderly groups knitting bags. Each state's needs are different, so if you would like to help, contact your state's CPS location to see what supplies or resources are needed.

FHE: Hope

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Shauna Gibby
source: MormonLife.com

Conference Talk:

For more information on this topic read "The Infinite Power of Hope," by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign, Nov 2008, 21-24.

Thought:

We learn to cultivate hope the same way we learn to walk, one step at a time.

(Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov 2008, 21-24.)

Song: "Hope of Israel," Hymns, #259

Scripture:

Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God. (Psalms 146:5)

Lesson and Activity:

Read Ether 12:29 together and have family members identify the three important attributes Moroni writes about. (Faith, hope, and charity.) Ask how hope can bring us to Christ.

Tell your family you are going to play a game called "Seek." Tell them that the object of the game is to be able to find a picture of Jesus within a certain time, and if they do they will get a treat. Ask for a volunteer to leave the room momentarily. While the family member is out of the room, hide a picture of the Savior. Invite the family member back into the room and let him or her begin searching. If the person has difficulty finding the picture, the rest of the family can help by saying "warmer" when the one seeking the picture is moving closer to it and by saying "colder" when the person is moving farther away from the picture. When the person has found the picture, give him or her a treat or reward. You could have several family members take a turn being the one trying to find the picture.

Explain to your family that by seeking Christ we can gain hope, because he is the reason for our hope. Only through Christ's atonement can we return to our Father in Heaven.

(Dennis H. Leavitt and Richard O. Christensen, Scripture Study for Latter-day Saint Families: The Book of Mormon, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2003], p. 351.)

Story:

Hope for a Discouraged Missionary

As a mission president, I was afforded the privilege of guiding the activities of precious young men and women, missionaries whom the Lord had called. Some had problems, others required motivation; but one came to me in utter despair. He had made his decision to leave the mission field when but at the halfway mark. His bags were packed, his return ticket purchased. He came by to bid me farewell. We talked; we listened; we prayed. There remained hidden the actual reason for his decision to quit.

As we arose from our knees in the quiet of my office, the missionary began to weep almost uncontrollably. Flexing the muscle of his strong right arm, he blurted out, "This is my problem. All through school my muscle power qualified me for honors in football and track, but my mental power was neglected. President Monson, I'm ashamed of my school record. It reveals that 'with effort' I have the capacity to read at but the level of the fourth grade. I can't even read the Book of Mormon. How then can I understand its contents and teach others its truths?"

The silence of the room was broken by my nine-year-old son who, without knocking, opened the door and, with surprise, apologetically said, "Excuse me. I just wanted to put this book back on the shelf."

He handed me the book. Its title: A Child's Story of the Book of Mormon, by Deta Petersen Neeley. I turned to the preface and read that the book had been written with a carefully selected vocabulary on a fourth-grade level. A sincere prayer from an honest heart had been dramatically answered. My missionary accepted the challenge to read the book. Half laughing, half crying, he declared: "It will be good to read something I can understand."

Clouds of despair were dispelled by the sunshine of hope. He completed an honorable mission, is now married for eternity to a choice companion, and has children of his own. His life is a testimony of the nearness of our Father and the availability of His help.

(Thomas S. Monson, Inspiring Experiences That Build Faith: From the Life and Ministry of Thomas S. Monson, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1994].)

Refreshment

Cox Honey Cookies

1 1/2 cups shortening
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
1/2 cup honey
4 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup sugar
3 teaspoons cinnamon

In a large mixing bowl, cream shortening, 2 cups sugar, eggs, and honey. Sift together flour, salt, baking soda, and baking powder. Stir into creamed mixture. Combine H cup sugar and 3 teaspoons cinnamon. Form heaping teaspoonfuls of dough into balls, and roll each ball in sugar/cinnamon mixture. Place balls on a greased cookie sheet. Bake at 325 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes, or until lightly browned. Do not overbake. Makes 3 dozen cookies.

(Paula Julander and Joanne Milner, Utah State Fare, [Salt Lake City: Shadow Mountain, 1995] p. 21.)

Click here to download the pdf version of this lesson.