Mormon Life - Friendship tag

Mormon Messages: Words with Friends

Thu, 24 May 2012 06:47:00 -0600

source: youtube.com

Mormon Life says: These kinds of words are definitely better than the app.

Young Women Lesson 21: A Righteous Example Influences Others

Thu, 17 May 2012 00:04:00 -0600

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "It is our duty to live our lives in such a way that we may be examples of righteousness." -Thomas S. Monson

Discussion Questions

• How do your friends react when you live Church standards? How can you respond if they label your obedience as being self-righteous?

• What are some ways you can respond to others who may tease you or put you down for living Church standards?

• How does our honesty with others impact our relationships with them?

Excerpt from "Examples of Righteousness" by President Thomas S. Monson, April 2008 General Conference:

My young friends, be strong. The philosophies of men surround us. The face of sin today often wears the mask of tolerance. Do not be deceived; behind that facade is heartache, unhappiness, and pain. You know what is right and what is wrong, and no disguise, however appealing, can change that. The character of transgression remains the same. If your so-called friends urge you to do anything you know to be wrong, you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone. Have the moral courage to be a light for others to follow. There is no friendship more valuable than your own clear conscience, your own moral cleanliness—and what a glorious feeling it is to know that you stand in your appointed place clean and with the confidence that you are worthy to do so.

To read the full talk, click here.

Dave Says: Mixing Friends and Business

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:03:00 -0600

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I started a partnership with my friend. What can I do to make sure our friendship is saved even if our business doesn't end up working out?

Dear Dave,

I just began a business with a friend as an LLC partnership. I know he’s honest and a hard worker, but I’m still a little scared that everything will fall apart and we’ll walk away mad at each other. We used a CPA to get a tax ID number and help us set up the company. Do you think we should pay a lawyer to help us map out the partnership agreement in writing?

Mike

Dear Mike,

Drawing up a written partnership agreement may be the only shot you’d have at walking away from this venture with your friendship still intact. But I don’t think you need to hand some lawyer a bunch of money to make it happen.

Chances are, your new business doesn’t need that level of detail. All you need is someone to help you draw up a template that answers all the “what if” questions. This template can be as simple as a list of all the things that could go wrong and the answers to those scenarios. These would be things like death, disability, moral failure, bankruptcy, etc., and what happens if any of these occur.

You know, there are hardly ever problems in a business venture when everyone’s happy and making piles of money. But it can get rough if you begin to disagree over the direction the company is taking. Or, what if personal issues make you decide you don’t want to be in business with the other person anymore?

It’s easy to go all pie-in-the-sky over these things, but you have to make plans for any and all of the worst outcomes, too.

—Dave

For more financial advice please visit daveramsey.com.

Vai's View: A home-teaching companion reunion rekindles a testimony

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 11:14:00 -0600

source: MormonTimes.com

Editor's note: This is the first in an occasional series that follows and explores Vai Sikahema's quest to find and thank the people in his life who assisted him in his youth.

It took me a little more than a year to find Marty Klein.

Three months of that time was spent just trying to come up with his name. I sent an email to old friends from the LDS ward of my youth, the Mesa 24th Ward, with what I did remember of the man who was my first home teaching companion, hoping to jog someone's memory: "Tall, salt & pepper hair, taught at Mesa Junior High, drove a big, fancy car, married but without children."

Finally, an email came from an old friend in the ward named Ned Brimley: "Is it Marty Klein? He moved to Florida years ago. Try this email."

Female Friendship at Forty

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 09:42:00 -0700

source: segullah.org/blog/

I’m a female who needs other females. Although I’m blessed to have a husband who’s done a bang up job filling the role of best friend for more than two decades, he can’t (and shouldn’t, imo) fulfill every need I have for companionship, sociability, understanding, sympathy, or fun. Even Angeline Jolie — a “girl-who-isn’t-friends-with-other-girls” stereotype if I’ve ever seen one — seems to pine a little bit over her lack of female friends. Most women, in fact, don’t need scientific studies to validate what we know to be true deep in our bones: women need other women.

What counts at age 86

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 12:18:00 -0700

source: huffingtonpost.com

Mormon Life says: This LDS woman reflects on life in her old age and what's really important now that she's done and seen it all. I absolutely love it. The older I get the more I realize that what really matters at any age is relationships. I like to think of them as being horizontally to the human and vertically to the divine. At the same time, in either relationship it is easy to let what seems more important get in the way of keeping connected. Like just plain aging.

At 86, personal ablutions take more and more time. I used to say. "I'll hop in the shower." Loved it. Now a shower takes balance I don't have and bending I'm very bad at. Dressing up with support hose is a chore. I've abandoned mascara since I can't see well enough to hit an eyelash.

Young Women Lesson 6: Finding Joy Now

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:02:00 -0700

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family." - Thomas S. Monson

Discussion Questions

• Many people seem to have a negative outlook on life. How can we avoid this attitude and help others look at things in a positive way?

• How does listening for and being aware of ideas or promptings from the Holy Ghost increase the potential for joy?

• How does trusting in our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ affect the joy we feel in our lives?

• How do obeying the commandments and keeping covenants increase our happiness and joy?

Excerpt from "Finding Joy in the Journey" by President Thomas S. Monson, October 2008 General Conference:

My dear brothers and sisters, I am humbled as I stand before you this morning. I ask for your faith and prayers in my behalf as I speak about those things which have been on my mind and which I have felt impressed to share with you.

I begin by mentioning one of the most inevitable aspects of our lives here upon the earth, and that is change. At one time or another we’ve all heard some form of the familiar adage: “Nothing is as constant as change.”

Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.

This conference marks 45 years since I was called to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. As the junior member of the Twelve then, I looked up to 14 exceptional men, who were senior to me in the Twelve and the First Presidency. One by one, each of these men has returned home. When President Hinckley passed away eight months ago, I realized that I had become the senior Apostle. The changes over a period of 45 years that were incremental now seem monumental.

To read the full talk, click here.

Dave Says: Business and Friendship

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 00:02:00 -0700

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: My friend wants to rent part of my duplex, but I'm worried this could jeopardize the relationship.

Dear Dave,

I’m about to buy my first home. My plan is to buy a duplex and rent out the other side to help pay down the mortgage quickly. A friend of mine wants to be my renter, but I’m worried that this could jeopardize our friendship. What do you think?

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

This can work, but the odds aren’t in your favor. When you do business with friends you always face the risk of running into a situation that can damage the relationship.

Does this mean you can never do business with friends? Of course not. I do a lot of business with friends. But I make sure that the specific requirements of our relationship are laid out very clearly, in writing.

It would be a good idea to make sure he understands that he absolutely must come talk to you ahead of time if there’s even a chance that he might not make the rent one month. Most problems can be worked out, but you’re not running a charity. This needs to be emphasized in a kind-but-firm manner.

Sometimes friends have unrealistic expectations on both sides. The friend who is renting may think he’ll get some slack on the payments, or the friend who’s the landlord may assume the renter will be a model tenant. These dangerous myths need to be addressed and ironed out before anything is signed.

You can make it work, Jerry. Just be straightforward, and make sure the rules are understood by everyone involved. Then, when you have to enforce the rules, do it gently but firmly.

—Dave

For more financial help, please visit davesays.com.

Men's Brains vs. Women's Brains

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 16:40:00 -0600

source: ldschurchnews.com

Mormon Life says: This was the subject of on BYU Education Week seminar. It may be useful/interesting to readers who are in a relationship . . . Licensed professional counselor Kevin Hinckley explored the difference between men's brains and women's brains during a lecture given Tuesday, Aug. 16, as a part of Campus Education Week at BYU.

Brother Hinckley walked students through what makes them different from one another by gender, and noted key points about each gender he felt both sides needed to know in order to carry out a happy and successful marriage relationship.

He pointed out that even though men have 4% more brain cells than women and about 100 grams more brain tissue, women have more connections going on between their brain cells and they also have a larger corpus collusum, which allows them to transfer data between the right and left hemispheres of the brain faster and easier, thus giving them almost full function of both sides of their brains while men are more limited.

Can I Really Forgive and Forget?

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 00:05:00 -0600

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Swinton Counseling
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: By far, the most common relationship questions I have gotten from LDS Living readers have been about rebuilding trust after a violation. These are my thoughts on rebuilding a fractured relationship. How do I forgive when it still hurts so much? How do I get back to how it was before he/she lost my trust? I want to move on, but how do I know if I am ready? How do I control all my thoughts that make me question if I can trust her/him again?

These are examples of questions submitted to me by LDS Living readers. I have received significantly more requests to address trust and forgiveness than any other topic in recent months. Hopefully you will all find this article insightful for your specific situations.

This topic is extremely complicated and addressing it in one article may not be sufficient. However, I hope the tools I outline will be of some assistance to those trying to forgive and trust loved ones again.

We often hear the old adage "forgive and forget." But I have to be honest with you—I hate it. The cruel reality of forgiving others is understanding that we will never really forget what happened. Instead of burdening yourself with the unrealistic responsibility of forgetting, the focus should instead be on finding a way to let it go. Letting go is still extremely difficult, but it is possible.

The key to letting go is to recognize how your emotions are guiding your ability to let go. Research by Olson et al. (2002) brought together many years of research on the emotional experience felt when trust is violated. They identified three phases people go through while processing what happened and rebuilding trust. As you read the first two phases I encourage you to recognize that the difficult emotional experiences you may have felt or may be feeling at present are entirely normal given the difficult circumstances. The third phase is focused on rebuilding the trust.

Phase 1: Roller Coaster. As is evident by the name of this first phase, it is filled with intense emotions that cycle rapidly. It is normal after learning of the violation to feel a roller coaster of emotions. The intensity of emotions is typically directly related to how much you care about the person who violated your trust. If you love the person deeply, the roller coaster may feel more volatile.

During this phase the negative outcomes of trust violation are most apparent. Be patient; this will lessen with time. You may feel extreme feelings of anger, inadequacy, self-blame, and fear of the future. You may also experience increased confrontation with the person who violated your trust. Any pre-existing problems in the relationship may be magnified during this first phase. As you weather the roller coaster, expect that it will be difficult to manage conflicting feelings.

Phase 2: Moratorium. The roller coaster will be followed by an emotional shut down. You may try to close off all the difficult emotions associated with what happened. This is a natural and normal coping mechanism that is trying to remove the pain. You may also want to obsess about the details of the trust violation. This will makes things worse. It is tempting to know every detail, but it can make letting go more difficult.

You may also retreat physically and emotionally from the person who violated trust while surrounding yourself with people who care for you. Seeking the help of loved ones in trying to make meaning of trust violation is also common. It is important to recognize that you will never be satisfied with whatever meaning you may make of the situation. The hard reality is that a horrible thing happened; you didn't ask for it, you didn't want it, and you didn't deserve it. Recognizing that will help you move toward letting go.

An important note before we move on to the third phase, which focuses on trust building: Don't feel like you need to rush the process of letting go. The person who violated your trust will likely expect forgiveness much sooner than you feel ready to give it. This is normal.

However, it is also important not to drag the process of letting go for too long. There is no clear time period that works for every situation, but most that focus on letting go are able to return to a level of normal functioning with the person who violated trust within 3 to 6 months. If it takes more than a year, letting go may need to be a bigger focus. Stewing for longer than that, in most situations, can make the pain last longer than is necessary.

Phase 3: Trust Building. Trust building typically does not occur until the first two phases have been experienced. This can be a long and difficult process. It is important to be willing to re-engage with the person who violated your trust. Don't feel pressure to go over the top all at once. Just share how the experience made you feel on an emotional level. Give them the opportunity to apologize, take responsibility, and show their feelings of remorse. You will appreciate the apology more when you hear it in the trust-building phase.

Try to continue opening channels of communication and positive interactions with the person. Replacing the pain with positive, trusting communication and interactions can help you let go of the past pain. It will take time. Research has shown that negative interactions can hold significantly more weight on our minds than positive interactions. It will take a lot of positive interactions to outweigh the pain from the violation, but fostering the positive and focusing on a new fresh start will be extremely powerful if you allow it. Little by little, the positive interactions will rebuild the safety net of trust.

Weathering these phases is not easy. If you feel that you can’t do it alone, seek out professional assistance from a competent marriage and family therapist who has experience working with trust issues. If you live in Utah, I would be happy to help. Contact me to schedule an appointment (www.swintoncounseling.com).

You deserve to live free of the pain and burden you may feel. The beloved actress Harriet Nelson said, "Forgive all who have offended you. Not for them, but for yourself." You will feel much needed peace and freedom as you focus on forgiving and letting go. Holding on to the pain allows the negative event to maintain an unnecessary hold on your life. You need and deserve better. As with any major trial, also seek the help of the only one who really knows how you feel: the Savior. After all, it has been promised that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Phillipians 4:13).

* Is there a marriage or family relationship issue that you would like our relationship expert Jonathan Swinton to address in future columns? If so, send him an e-mail at jonathan@swintoncounseling.com.

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Jonathan Swinton is an LDS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He is an approved LDS Family Services Referred Provider, accepts Bishop referrals, and is available to provide marriage and family therapy services and weekend couple retreats to anyone interested. He is also available to speak on relationship issues at Relief Society and Ward activities. Contact him at Swinton Counseling: 801-647-9951, www.swintoncounseling.com.

USA Today: Happiness is having friends at church

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 09:49:00 -0700

source: usatoday.com

Mormon Life says: Attending church has been proven to increase a person's happiness. Of course, the LDS community already knew that! Attending religious services regularly and having close friends in the congregation are key to having a happier, more satisfying life, a study finds.

Even attending services irregularly — just several times a year — increases a sense of well-being, so long as there is a circle of friendships within the community and a strong, shared religious identity.

That's the key finding of a study released today in the December issue of the American Sociological Review.

Numerous studies have shown that religious people report a higher level of well-being compared with the non-religious, says Chaeyoon Lim, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and lead author of the study. But what aspect of religiousness — church attendance, prayer, theology or spirituality — accounts for this level of life satisfaction has been unclear.

Making friends with Mormons is hard

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 10:30:00 -0600

source: universe.byu.edu

Mormon Life says: This letter to the editor was published in BYU's newspaper. The author is not a member of the Church. Very interesting, and sad. "Try to go to church even if you don’t like it. It’s the only way to make friends here.”

This advice one of my friends gave me sometimes makes me think twice about how to make friends at BYU. I’m not a Mormon, but when I arrived here, I was struck by the hospitability and enthusiasm of the people. I received much help from students and professors I had never met. However, it was no more than directions or suggestions for bookshops. I still can’t find a friend with whom I can share my feelings as well as the troubles I have to deal with. During the three NSO days, I met so many new people. However, by the next week, there were only two who continue to be my friends.

Worth the Effort

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Elia Gourgouris
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Many of us have been reminded that love is the most significant word in the first two commandments. First we are to love God and then we are to love our neighbors. We have also been reminded that the second commandment does not end with loving everyone else because it says, “…as thyself.” But why would that last statement be included? Over the years I have witnessed many people serving others constantly, and they only realize later that they feel depleted, depressed, and even resentful. Loving ourselves does not mean being self-indulgent, oblivious to the needs of those around us. It simply means putting "gas in our tank" in order to build a sense of self-worth and proceed productively and happily with our mortal existence.

Comparison

There are four aspects of loving ourselves, or showing self-compassion, that I've found to be the most beneficial. The first has to do with a "forgotten" commandment: Thou shalt not compare. Every time we compare we make a judgment: either we're better than others or they're better than us. Typically men compare in order to come out on top, thinking of how they're better off than others.

On the other hand, when women make comparisons, they usually end up feeling like others are better. "She's a better mom, cook, homemaker, scriptorian," and so on. In my twenty years of professional experience, I've found that every woman has the capacity to lament her abilities; even "Sister Smith," who arrives at church fifteen minutes early with her eight behaved children, can be found lamenting the fact that her mother did it better with fourteen children.

Only one comparison avoids this unpleasant and self-defeating predicament: comparing ourselves to ourselves. How does this work? Look at your life now, and compare it to last year, five years ago, or even twenty years ago, in some vital areas: spiritual, physical, emotional, relational, financial, etc. Then the question to ask yourself is, how am I doing? If the answer is that, overall, you're doing better in one of these areas now than in the past, is that a prideful statement? Actually no, it's a factual statement, so give yourself some credit and acknowledge that improvement! Saying something positive to yourself from time to time is like putting gas in the tank.

What if you were actually better at something twenty years ago than you are now? The first follow-up question should be, is this still a priority? For example, I weigh more in my forties than I did as a teen; is that a result of a change in priorities? No, it's just how life goes. Yet I still make those comparisons and beat myself up. Then, let's say I was more diligent in my prayers and scripture study ten years ago than I am now, four kids later. In this case however, spiritual nourishment is a priority in my life. So the question becomes, what will I do about it? Rather than beat myself up for not being good enough, I need to figure out what I am willing to do to get back on track.

Avoiding comparisons and then clarifying our priorities and creating a specific plan of action is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves. As we do it consistently, others around us will notice and we can become an inspiration for them as well.

Perfectionism

The second aspect of becoming more loving toward ourselves has to do with the "sin of perfectionism." Most of us have become confused about what it means to become perfected. Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful talk in 1995 called "Perfection Pending" in which he discussed this topic. He said that the word telios, from the original Greek Bible, was misinterpreted as "perfect" in the English Bible. In fact, it means to become completed, not perfected. Now I'm not an expert in the scriptures, but I do know my Greek. Elder Nelson was right.

After all we can do, we still need the Savior to complete us. Understanding this relieves the pressure for perfection. We know that God gives us weaknesses to humble us, and after we humble ourselves, weaknesses can become strengths. So you see, He will continue to give us weaknesses, but only so we can become stronger.

We're not meant to be perfect, but if we don't follow the program, our weaknesses will remain weaknesses. We'll simply be imperfect and weak. Additionally we usually tend to hide or avoid dealing with our weaknesses. I did it for twenty years!

I was painfully shy growing up, and it got worse after we moved from Greece to the United States. I hated that I sounded different, so speaking in front of people was extremely painful. It went far beyond the anxiety most people feel, and I managed to get to graduate school without doing any presentations.

It was in graduate school when I was introduced to the gospel. The only obstacle to my baptism was that I knew Church members were regularly asked to speak. Eventually the missionaries promised me that I would never have to speak. But the Sunday after my baptism, Fast Sunday, the stake president asked me to share my testimony in front of 250 people. After the bishop finished his testimony and opened the floor, I literally ran down the center of the aisle and got to the podium.

I was in my mid-twenties and had never spoken to a group larger than four people. Miraculously I received so much positive feedback that it changed my whole outlook on public speaking. My biggest weakness has become one of my biggest strengths.

Embracing rather than avoiding our weaknesses will not only make us better people but will also give us the confidence we need to achieve our eternal potential.

Perspective: Basement or Penthouse?

How we view circumstances and life's events encompasses the third aspect of learning to be more loving. So what is the "basement perspective"? That's when we feel trapped, meaning there are no doors, windows, or exit signs - just darkness. We often go to the basement when we feel like there's no way out of our problems.

On the other hand, the "penthouse perspective" finds us at the top. We have a great view, with lots of options and lots of light. There's hope for solutions, and we have the type of resolve that says, no matter how difficult the circumstances, an open mind and a willing heart make anything possible.

Now we all go to the basement from time to time. The main point, however, is how long we stay there and how we get out. So here's the goal: If you are a person who sets up a permanent camp in the basement, you can try to occasionally get out and see the light. If you go and stay for weeks, maybe you can reduce it to a few days, and so on.

As for getting out of the basement, imagine you're in an elevator and the button says B, for basement. Mentally push P (as in penthouse). The P button represents the quickest way up the elevator. In reality, P stands for prayer. There's no better way to escape from the hopelessness of the basement mentality. We may not necessarily find a solution to our pressing problems, but our perspective will certainly change. It gives us an eternal view of our temporary circumstances.

Optimist or Pessimist

The fourth aspect of becoming more loving has to do with becoming more optimistic. So what is the real difference between seeing the glass half empty and the glass half full in life? The optimist wakes up every morning, looks out the window, and expresses gratitude. The pessimist wakes up the same morning, looks out the same window, and dreads the day ahead. Clearly nothing bad has transpired just yet, but there's lament for the new day.

The day begins and both are wearing their expectations on their sleeves. Everything that will take place during the day will be viewed through their unique lenses. For instance, both people get a flat tire on the way to work as they're exiting the freeway. The optimist is grateful because the flat happened as the car was slowing down and not while it was traveling on the freeway at seventy miles per hour. The pessimist pulls over at the same freeway exit, and thinks, "Why do these things always happen to me . . . now I'll be late for work, and my boss will probably fire me."

The quickest way to turn pessimism on its head is to change the questions we ask ourselves. Begin by monitoring what questions you're already asking. If it falls in the category of, "What's wrong with my life, my kids, my bishop, my spouse?" you'll get very long responses. Negativity rules.

Instead ask, "What am I grateful for?" or "What do I admire about my spouse?" The brain can't help but answer questions. Eventually, your brain will be swimming in endorphins, and feelings of optimism will abound. The beginning of change really could be that simple.

So there you have it: a future where you follow the second commandment to a T. Embracing your weaknesses, a broader perspective, and an optimistic view, all in the absence of comparisons, will literally transform your life! You'll like the result. I promise.

Lesson Helps: Befriending Converts (Teachings for Our Time Lesson 9)

Wed, 22 Oct 2003 10:53:00 -0600

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Read the following excerpt from Gary J. Coleman's new book, The Journey of Conversion, for some additional insight into the Teachings for Our Time Lesson 9, Strengthening New Converts. After joining the Church I had a transitional experience with a former pastor, one whom I had assisted for several years as an altar boy. I had received my patriarchal blessing eighty- nine days following my baptism and was thrilled at its inspired counsel. I had not known the patriarch beforehand, but that did not matter. He knew the Lord, and the Lord knew me. This humble patriarch made many pronouncements that were able to comfort and guide me throughout my life. I think it was a divine rendezvous that he gave me the blessing three days before I received a long letter from Father Graff.

Father Graff, as any church leader might do, was trying to recover me from what he perceived as a tragic, even spiritually fatal, error of leaving my former church. "Did your parents fail to teach you the lesson that your first obligation was to save your immortal soul in and through the Catholic Church?" he asked. "Your trust should be in your God, the God of your faith which you received at the time of your baptism into the Catholic Church." He quoted Matthew 6:25-27, 31-33 in an effort to convince me to seek first the kingdom of God. "To renounce your inherited faith in favor of someone else's is not true. No man can be happy if he throws away the only sure means of obtaining happiness in this life and in the next, his faith. In the name of the Holy Family, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I beg you to reconsider your course of action. It is not too late now, it will be later." It was signed, "Your former pastor and friend."

I knew he was sincere and was reaching out to me in a way he thought was best. But I had found the truth and could not back down from my convictions despite my respect for and relationship with Father Graff. I had learned and would continue to learn that converts encounter opposition to their desire to find the truth. It is as the prophet Jacob in the Book of Mormon said when challenged by a nonbeliever: "He had hope to shake me from the faith" (Jacob 7:5). This is a universally common occurrence for new converts. The support system of nourishment, friends, and responsibility must be well in place early in the process of coming into the Church. Luckily for me, when Father Graff's letter arrived, I was not shaken enough to return to my previous religious life. I was founded in the truths beyond the traditions and religions of men. I was staying with the First Vision, the restoration of the priesthood of God, the additional testament of Jesus Christ, and other latter- day scriptures. I was sticking with the restoration of the true church and the plain and precious doctrines of Christ. I wanted to be a Latter- day Saint, live my newfound religion, and follow the living prophets and apostles. It was a time of testing and a time of moving on in my new faith.

CONVERTS NEED THE SUPPORT OF GOOD FRIENDS TO ESTABLISH ROOTS IN THE GOSPEL.

Converts through the ages have all faced the challenges that come from living their newfound truth. That is why the prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley, has counseled that every convert must have a friend. However, much of what is involved with being a good friend to our prospective members and new converts involves our willingness to rely on the Lord and use faith in our efforts. Joseph Smith said, "Doubt and faith do not exist in the same person at the same time; so those persons whose minds are under doubts and fears cannot have unshaken confidence; and where unshaken confidence is not there faith is weak; and where faith is weak the persons will not be able to contend against all the opposition, tribulation, and afflictions which they will have to encounter" (Lectures on Faith [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1985], 6:12). We must really believe that this is the work of Jesus Christ, that He has asked us to help Him move the gospel cause forward with faith, and that we are empowered to assist others in coming unto Christ. When our testimonies are strong, then we can offer to share the burdens of our prospective members and new converts by loving and friendshipping them. Jesus said, "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:30). We must be willing to bear each other's burdens. In so doing we will receive the help we need from Christ. The Lord opens doors for us. To the apostle Peter the Lord said three times, "Lovest thou me?" And three times the Lord responded to Peter's answer with "Feed my sheep" (John 21:15-17). The Lord has said that He knows His sheep. He invites those who will hear His voice to join His church. He has asked us to shoulder part of the responsibility to recover His lost sheep and to keep them in the fold.

In the Book of Mormon we read that the faithful missionary Ammon faced trying times with the people he taught, but his faith in the Lord was strong. He said, "When our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God. And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them" (Alma 26:27-29).

Once the commitment has been made and a person is baptized, we must not give up our efforts. Nurturing through friendship and sharing is vital to the new convert's success. New converts are fresh and eager to live according to the truths they have just learned about. Exercise the faith required to know how to be a friend, how to take care of our converts after baptism, and how to help nurture their newly formed testimonies. A new convert's growth can come from the strengthening qualities of good friends in the gospel.

Now, let us take a journey across the United States as we peek into the landmarks and roots of the Restoration. After we familiarize ourselves with where the Restoration took place, let us then examine the role of friendship in reestablishing the Savior's true religion on the earth.

I-90 traverses America from east to west, from the Pacific Coast to the Atlantic Coast. Literally thousands of exits are provided. Major cities are located along this historic interstate highway, such as Boston, Albany, Syracuse, Buffalo, Cleveland, Chicago, Madison, Sioux Falls, Rapid City, Sheridan, Missoula, Coeur d'Alene, Spokane, and Seattle. Millions of people, all children of our Heavenly Father, travel I-90 day and night, day after day, year in and year out. They are going somewhere, coming from somewhere, being tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine like the bushes and trees blown and whipped by the thousands of vehicles that rush by on this great highway.

Westbound on I-90, after Syracuse and before Rochester, a single exit sign carries the name "Palmyra." This is a tiny town, lying beside the old Erie Canal, dotted with monuments called churches and rich with history of the doctrines of men, having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof.

In about 1815, Joseph Smith's family came to this quiet place. God prepared a marvelous work and a wonder in this obscure wayside. There is a forest glade there, reverently called by Latter- day Saints the Sacred Grove. The God of heaven and His holy Son, Jesus Christ, beings beyond description, full of light brighter than the noonday sun, appeared to the boy- prophet right in that place—just off I-90 and just north of that busy highway of life. Think of it! The world again had access to truth about the Supreme Being of the Universe, God the Eternal Father: Our Father in Heaven was again revealed to the fallen and apostate world. Could such a thing really happen in our day? Could God be so profound, so real, so willing to help His children? It did happen, and Jesus was there as well. Jesus instructed Joseph in plainly spoken words, and the heavens were opened again for us. Truth was revealed to a prophet, and even a record was available to testify of the Savior—yes, even another testament of the living Son of God, the Redeemer of the world. Where was the record? In a nearby hill called Cumorah, just off I-90 westbound, right along the Palmyra Road. A record was there, a record seen five thousand years ago by Enoch. It was truth sent forth out of the earth, bear testimony of [the] Only Begotten; his resurrection from the dead; yea, and also the resurrection of all men" (Moses 7:62). This sacred record, translated by the gift and power of God and known today as the Book of Mormon, was prepared for mankind near little Palmyra. It was published to the world right in this little town.

Let us leave I-90 for a moment and pick up I-80 south of Syracuse and just into Pennsylvania. Here we find Harmony. It is not even identified as an exit, but this is the place of the restoration of the holy priesthood, called today the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood. There is a river there, the Susquehanna, on whose banks holy events took place in which God's authority was restored to man and sacred ordinances were performed as Jesus would direct. So much good for so many people—for all the people of the world—yet it is hardly noticed by the masses who hurry to their busy lives, their self- declared forms of worship, and their worldly distractions.

Returning to I-90, before we leave New York state, the sacred record called the Doctrine and Covenants, section 20, leads us to another scene so small it is also not mentioned on the highway exit signs. In fact, it is not mentioned in many road maps of New York state. I refer to Fayette, New York. This tiny place, the simple log home of Peter Whitmer, was the location of many sacred events. The testimony of the Three Witnesses was signed there, the Book of Mormon translation was completed there, the Church was organized there, twenty revelations in the Doctrine and Covenants were received in that home ten miles south of I-90, just east of Palmyra. It was a remarkable time of schooling for the Prophet Joseph Smith. He was now twenty- four years old, and the heavenly process had begun when he was fourteen years old with the remarkable vision of the Father and the Son who appeared to him in the Sacred Grove. On Tuesday, April 6, 1830, with nearly sixty people crowded into the humble cabin, the church of Jesus Christ was again established upon the earth by proper authority and with the ordinances necessary for salvation. The restoration of the gospel was well underway.

Real places, real people, real authority, real revelation to do God's work in the latter days. If we hurry on westward and cross Pennsylvania into Ohio, we will find another sacred place. Watch for the exit off I-90, where hardly a public notice appears. There it is—Kirtland—Kirtland, Ohio. Sixty- six revelations were received in the vicinity of this hamlet. More doctrines of the Restoration were revealed there. Angelic beings with keys of authority and the truths of eternity were brought from heaven to the Prophet Joseph Smith in this place. Jesus came here, and Joseph declared, "He lives! for we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father" (D&C 76:22-23).

The first latter- day House of the Lord was erected in this little place. Moses, even the mighty prophet of Israel, came to this temple—Elias and Elijah also. They revealed wondrous blessings from the eternal throne of God. That's right—it happened at Kirtland, just off I-90, east of Cleveland, a little to the south of that main thoroughfare traversing America east to west. The magnificent libraries of the world do not hold these secrets of the kingdom of God. Not even the mighty cities of the world were the places of the restoration of the eternal gospel. The mysteries of the kingdom of God were revealed in Palmyra, Fayette, Harmony, Kirtland, Nauvoo, and even today in Salt Lake City.

Though I have seen the places of the Restoration, have stood on those sacred spots, and have trodden the Holy Land of America and the ancient Holy Land, or today's Israel, I knew before I visited where Jesus walked and prophets talked that the events of the Restoration and the Lord's life were true. I bear witness that I knew it was true before I saw the places with my eyes, before I felt the feelings in those places in my heart. The Restoration did occur—just off I-90, in holy places, in our day. I know by the power of the Holy Ghost that these things occurred, that Jesus is the Son of God, that this is His church, that Joseph was His prophet, and that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, proclaiming the Redeemer's holy life and teachings. This is His church and kingdom on earth today. I write reverently of Jesus and Joseph. For me, their names are inseparably linked as friends of all mankind. Jesus taught Joseph, and Joseph taught the wondrous revelations of the Restoration.

These events did not occur without some difficulty and persecution, however. The road was long and hard as Joseph Smith and the other believers worked to establish the Lord's church on the earth. Joseph Smith was the first latter- day example of a truly retained convert. As Jesus is the prototype of salvation or a saved Being, so is Joseph the prototype of converts in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. His father and mother and other members of the family were also valiant in their conversion to the Lord and the restoration of all things in these last days. New converts often feel somewhat the way those first members of the Church might have felt—unsure of the doctrine, infantile in experience, and even alone in their efforts. The story of Joseph Smith's brother Hyrum provides some insight into how Joseph was able to withstand the pressures of a newfound religion.

Joseph had a challenging life as he decided to stand by his vision once he had committed to the process of restoring the gospel of Jesus Christ. Among the first to challenge his revelatory experiences were the ministers of the local churches. Most converts are tested as to whether they will have the strength to stay committed. One poignant relationship through all of this difficulty for Joseph was with his brother Hyrum. Through the years of establishing the Church, Hyrum stood by Joseph, sustained him, and supported him. They were faithful in the gospel together. Fourteen years after Hyrum stood with Joseph as one of the first members of the newly organized church, they faced the greatest trial of their lives: death at the hands of those who opposed this restored religion. When Joseph knew he was going to be killed, he begged his brother to return to safety, but Hyrum would not leave him. The scripture records, "In life they were not divided, and in death they were not separated" (D&C 135:3). From the time of his conversion, Joseph had a friend who was willing to stand by him and never leave his side. That friend helped him in all aspects of his life—even until their tragic death in the Carthage Jail.

I also feel honored to call Joseph my friend. I have come to know the meaning of the words penned by John Taylor after the Prophet's death. He said, "Joseph Smith, the Prophet and Seer of the Lord, has done more, save Jesus only, for the salvation of men in this world, than any other man that ever lived in it" (D&C 135:3). I cannot express adequately my love for this friend of all of us who have found the joy of the restoration of the true gospel of Jesus Christ.

What about our convert friends? Will we help them, love them, and nourish them—never giving up on them? Will we help sustain them through their trials, hardships, and difficulties as well as their joys? I regard my brother Jerry as one of the most valiant of Latter- day converts and a true friend to me. Since his conversion, we have been able to share a brotherhood of the highest respect and regard. One year after his baptism, he served as a faithful missionary in the Franco Belgium Mission. This was made possible by members of an elders quorum who contributed the funds for his service. Just days after he returned from the mission field, he was called to serve his country in the Vietnam War. He did so as a medic and as an ordained seventy. He taught the gospel in foxholes, bomb craters, and jungle camps and was regarded by his companions as a faithful and devout follower of the Lord. Miracles were part of this man's daily walk in the hazards of war. He has married in the temple and raised a beautiful family of missionaries and examples in gospel living. We have both served as bishops, in stake presidencies, and on high councils, and we have performed temple work for our deceased ancestors. How I love faithful and obedient Gerald S. (Jerry) Coleman. To be with him, or hear his voice, or anticipate time together with him is one of my greatest joys in this life. I feel sweet nourishment from his faith and humble testimony and friendship. Jerry stood with me in my decision to join the Church. He still stands with me, and I with him. We are brothers in flesh and brothers in the gospel. Oh, what a difference dear friends and family make in a convert's ability to stay committed to the decision of baptism!

Another good friend in the Church is my wife. The Lord led me to the gospel through Judy England, and together we grew in knowledge and understanding through courtship, temple marriage, and raising a family. We have served and studied and prayed our way through the challenges and joys of this life. I was very fortunate that this friend, who introduced me to the restored gospel, has become my eternal friend and companion.

John Madsen and I have also followed similar gospel paths. One of my first gospel education experiences was attending his seminary class. If you remember, that is where I gained a testimony of Joseph Smith. Isn't it interesting that I have followed him in his vocational pursuit. I am grateful that he encouraged me to enter the Church Educational System as he did when we were young married men. We both served as Church leaders and full- time mission presidents. Our families were together often in pursuit of masters' and doctorate degrees in education. I consider it a great honor that we have grown and served together in the work of the Lord. Perhaps the greatest blessing we could share in this life as eternal friends came when we were both called to the Second Quorum of the Seventy in June 1992 and to the First Quorum of Seventy in April 1997. Two men, one baptized by the other forty years ago, now serve full- time in the latter- day work of our Master and Savior.

I pay tribute to these three special friends, my faithful brother, my eternal companion, and my steadfast mentor. They have supported my search for the true ways of the Lord. What greater friends could a convert have? They helped me establish deep gospel roots, and I have been strengthened by their love and companionship during these years of enjoying the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. May we be the kind of friend to new converts that will strengthen them and support them in their newfound religion as my friends did with me.

Choose Carefully Those You Date

Wed, 27 Nov 2002 08:26:00 -0700

by Gary and Joy Lundberg
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: No one says, "I’m going to date losers—I love misery." At the same time, many don’t think seriously about who they ask out or who they agree to date. Perhaps you need to stop and consider what kind of person he or she really is.

And while people don’t wear “I’m a loser” signs, you can look for clues to the kind of people they really are. Consider the following telltale situations:

Good Choices/Bad Choices
1. You’re talking about movies with friends. Garth, a guy you’ve been thinking you’d like to go out with, says, “My brother saw this movie and said it was awesome. Let’s go see it.”

Wow! He just asked you out! Your heart begins a bongo beat. Then you remember something.. Taking a deep breath, you say, “I think it’s rated R.”

“No big deal,” Garth counters. “My brother said there’re only a few bad scenes. Let’s go, okay?”

2. Nicole has a smile that makes you want to smile right back. You’re attracted to her and wonder what she’s really like. A crucial test is coming up at school, and Gil, a member of your study group, has a clever idea for cheating.

“No one will know,” he says. “We’ve got to pass this one, so we’ll do whatever it takes.” Nicole looks straight at Gil and says, “No way! We study hard, then we pass or fail—but no cheating!”

3. You’ve been wanting to go out with Kevin, but you don’t know him well. He’s a little shy, but sooo good looking. Everyone cheers when he’s on the football field. He’s every girl’s dream guy.

During a library conversation, your friends start talking about the photos on their driver’s licenses. Kevin pulls his wallet out to show his picture. You get a good look, but something else catches your eye—a picture of a temple.

“Hey, Kev,” his buddy says, “What’s that?”
“It’s a picture of a special place,” he replies. “I carry it as a reminder.”

4. You and several friends—including Amy, the girl you want to ask to homecoming—are on your way to a basketball game. Someone tells a joke and everyone laughs. Then someone else tells one and it gets contagious. Everyone’s laughing and having a great time. Then Kyle tells a joke he’d never tell if the bishop were present. Everyone laughs, except you and Amy. Kyle notes her lack of response and asks, “What’s the matter, Amy? Too young for a little adult humor?”

“No,” she responds. “I’m just sad to hear one of my friends tell a story like that.”

5. You’re at a school party where everyone’s dancing and having a great time. A cute guy you’ve noticed in social studies makes his way to you and asks for a dance. You happily accept. It’s a slow dance and he moves in close. Then you smell it on his breath. He’s been drinking!

6. Friends are talking about an upcoming party at Shara’s house. You’re not sure about going, but it would be fun to be with everyone—especially Shara. She joins in and says, “C’mon. It’s going to be fun. My parents are gone for the weekend and the house will be ours.”

That’s a red flag. She sees you hesitating and adds, “You need to lighten up and live a little. We’ll have some stuff there to help you out. C’mon.”

Only A Date?
We could describe other scenarios, but you get the idea. The clues are usually obvious.

“But it’s only a date,” you’re thinking. “I’m not going to marry that guy/girl.”

Do you know anyone who married someone he or she never dated? You marry who you date. You never know when a dating relationship may develop into more than just a friendship. Be extremely cautious about who you hang out with and who you accept dates from. President Hinckley said, “Choose your friends carefully. It is they who will lead you in one direction or the other . . . never lose sight of [this] fact.”

Saying “No” Politely
You control who you choose to be with. Never accept a date from anyone you don’t feel good about. If a polite refusal isn’t sufficient, be firm enough that the person won’t ask you again.

What would you say to Shara in situation #6? How about, “Thanks, but that’s not my kind of party.”

If she replies, “Loosen up! You’re missing a lot of fun,” just smile and say, “That’s the kind of fun I choose to miss!” Then change the subject or walk away. This leaves no question about your values. Give an excuse like, “Sorry, I’ve already made other plans,” she’ll try again later.

What could you say to the guy in situation #5 if he asks you to ride home with him? If you’re smart, you’ll keep your distance during that slow dance. He may take the hint and not ask you out. It’s not necessary to say, “No way, loser. I don’t go with drunks.” A simple “No thanks” should be enough. If he asks for another dance, offer the same response. There’s always a polite way to let someone know you’re not interested.

You Always Have a Choice
What if you live in an area where there are no Latter-day Saints your age to date? Don’t say, “I have no choice—there’s nobody else to date.” You always have a choice. When we were on a speaking assignment in Rhode Island, we asked a 17-year-old boy if he had a girlfriend. He said, “No, I’ve never had a date, let alone a girlfriend.”

This was a good looking, likable guy, so we were surprised and asked why. He told us it was his family’s standard to date only faithful Latter-day Saints. “There are no LDS girls my age, so I don’t date,” he said. “And it isn’t easy.” His sister had been in the same boat and didn’t date until she went to a college where there were other LDS students.

These teens hang out with friends of other faiths with high standards, but they don’t pair off and date. They don’t want to risk falling in love with someone they couldn’t marry in the temple. We were impressed with the faith and obedience of these young people. They understood the counsel of President Spencer W. Kimball, who said, “Right marriage begins with right dating . . . Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. [You] cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel.”

We are convinced that the Lord will bless these faithful young people in wonderful ways. To the faithful He promises, “Thou shalt observe all these things, and great shall be thy reward” (D&C 42:65). There is no question that the reward will be worth the wait.

Use Moroni’s Measuring Rod
Just because a person shows up at church doesn’t mean he or she is living the standards of the Church. We don’t judge or condemn people—that’s the Lord’s job. But you must make judgments when deciding who to associate with.

Commenting on righteous judgment, Moroni said, “I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ . . . ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil.” (Moroni 7:16-17).

Satan’s Traps

Are people you meet in Internet chat stations likely to be good dating material? This kind of relationship can be extremely dangerous. Make it a rule not to chat on line with anyone you don’t already know. It’s even less safe than striking up a conversation with a stranger coming out of a bar. A person met on the Internet could be a forty-year-old pervert with evil intentions, pretending to be a terrific young guy or girl. People with serious personality defects and a horrible lifestyle may lead you to believe almost anything.

Never Count on Changing the Other Person
Sometimes people date those less worthy, hoping to bring them to a higher standard of gospel living. They think, “I’m sure he/she will like me enough to change.” This seldom happens. If you date people who lack high standards, you may end up marrying someone who will pull you down to his or her level. When you’re with someone who is already following Satan, you can easily fall. Protect yourself by refusing to date those who don’t live up to the Savior’s standards.

When people spiritually lose their way, it doesn’t mean they cannot change—but this may not happen. Invite them to listen to the missionary discussions or to atttend church functions. If they’re already members, encourage them to visit their bishop. Be kind, but don’t date people until they’ve repented. The risk is just too great.

What About You?
What kind of person are you? Someone a faithful Latter-day Saint girl or guy would want to date? Look carefully at your own values. Try to honestly determine whether or not you’re striving to live them.

When Margie said to her cousin, “I don’t know why such scummy guys always ask me out,” he was honest and said, “You attract these guys by the way you dress.” Margie didn’t get the message. She said “the good guys,” just weren’t asking her out. If you want to date decent people, you must be a decent person yourself.

Dating is always more enjoyable when both you and your date strive to keep the commandments. You have less to worry about and more to enjoy together as you seek wholesome activities.

Dating in groups can be especially enjoyable. Counsel from the First Presidency in For the Strength of Youth is clear on the subject: “When you begin dating, go in groups or on double dates. Avoid frequently dating the same person.” Choose well those you date and you’ll take a giant step toward protecting your sexual purity. You’ll be qualifying yourself for all the blessings the Lord has in store for you. He has said, “be thou faithful . . . and I will give thee a crown of life” (Revelations 2:10).

Word of Wisdom: The Pressure, Part 2

Wed, 19 Jun 2002 18:00:00 -0600

by Susan Noyes Anderson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Friends' behavior can influence you even when nothing is said--even when you don't realize you're being influenced. Group dynamics are powerful. That's why it doesn't hurt to think carefully about the groups you choose. The Pressure, Part 2

Church leaders are continually reminding LDS youth that today's decisions become tomorrow's realities. In other words, the things you do add up to YOU. Right this minute and every single day, you are making decisions which will shape your life. That's your job, whether you remember signing up for it or not, and it is huge! It can also be a bit overwhelming, which may be one reason why having friends your own age is so important. Most everyone relates best to others who are in the same boat. Let's face it, shared experience is a powerful force. Does this mean you no longer care about parents and their input? Of course not, but looking to peers first can be a source of conflict in the family, especially if those peers hold different ideas, values, and beliefs than you've been taught.

Surveys show that teenagers are influenced at least as much and probably more by friends than parents. How does this make parents feel? Nervous. VERY nervous! It isn't easy to move over when you're used to being the big kahuna (s) in your child's life. Of course, cultivating squeaky clean friends can do a lot to calm parents down on this issue. Friends who are not so squeaky, on the other hand, will have the opposite effect. In fact, your personal choices can move formerly easy-going parents from slightly nervous to downright worried to completely ballistic. Are they overreacting? Does choosing friends with different values really mean you will change yours? Not necessarily, and some kids do hang out with friends who party and never join in. It's risky though, and let me tell you why.

Recently, an evening news program featured a university study showing the tendency of human beings to conform to a group. Several unsuspecting college students were asked to take an exam. They were separated from one another and placed with what appeared to be a roomful of regular students. Those "regular" students, however, were only pretending to be real test-takers. They were actually part of the study, planted there to give incorrect answers. By the way, the test was easy and consisted of looking at four lines and choosing which two were the same length. The answers were obvious to anyone.

Here's the catch. Test-takers who were in on the scheme were coached ahead of time to purposely miss each question. They agreed as a group to solve every problem by giving the same, wrong answer. Chairs were arranged in a pattern which allowed the phony students to respond first, and every answer was spoken out loud. When the test began, the initial "real" student, who had no clue what was going on, looked puzzled by everyone else's inability to tell which two sticks were the same. He still gave the right answer and went on to answer the second and third questions correctly too. By the fourth question, however, with each planted student continuing to contradict him, the test subject appeared tense and unhappy. He gave the right solution, but without conviction. On question number five, the poor guy finally caved in and offered the same answer the others did, though his facial expression showed that he clearly knew it was incorrect.

The same experiment was conducted with several other test subjects, and only one held out against the crowd, giving the right answer to the very end. Later, she described herself as being so "uptight" she could barely respond. What did the scientists conclude? That people, by nature, want to fit in with group behavior. Even when they know they are right, it becomes harder and harder to go against what the group is doing.

Peer pressure is real, but it is often silent. Did the planted students tell the first test subject to answer as they did? No. Did they make fun of his correct answers? Not at all. They didn't need to. He still felt pressured to conform, not because they wanted him to but because instinctively he was more comfortable going with the flow. Will everyone give in to peer pressure? Not by a long shot. But the risk is there, and that risk is even greater when the pressure comes out in the open.

Our high school has few Mormons, so most of my children's friends went to parties for one reason... to party! One son's group made it fairly easy for him to obey the Word of Wisdom. They teased him a bit but were pretty low-key about the whole thing. Most of them seemed to respect his ability to swim upstream. Another son's group wasn't so easy. They were neat kids, but they were also kids who thought drinking was cool—and that refusing to drink with your friends was not cool. They saw drinking as a male bonding/football player kind of thing, and his not drinking with them was seen as a kind of rejection. Sometimes he felt guilty, like he was letting the group down by avoiding the keg. Other times he felt strange when they'd make comments or jokes about being Mormon. All these things made keeping the Word of Wisdom more of a struggle.

Peer groups are different, and you get to choose yours. A number of them will openly share your beliefs, supporting them with their own actions. Others will respect your beliefs but behave according to theirs. Some will actively try to change you. The important thing to remember is the lesson taught in our university study. Friends' behavior can influence you even when nothing is said—even when you don't realize you're being influenced. Group dynamics are powerful. That's why it doesn't hurt to think carefully about the groups you choose. It also doesn't hurt to be on guard once you're in them!

One more thought. Peer pressure is a force to be reckoned with, but sometimes the hardest pressure to withstand is the pressure you put on yourself. Regardless of what feeds it (parents, school, church, friends, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, or just a need to live up to whatever ideal you've set), pressure from within can be the most difficult of all. Of course a little pressure is needed or you might just lay in bed half the day—or become a total vegetable—but while some is good, too much is too much. Perfection isn't on the menu for this life, and while trying hard is a good thing, being hard on yourself is not. You could wind up wanting to feel better any way you can, and that's a dangerous place to be when you're trying to obey the Word of Wisdom. So give yourself a break once in a while, okay? Remember who you are, why you came here, where you're going, and whose help you can depend on in getting there. One thing's for sure... The best friend any of us will ever have is a loving Heavenly Father, and His influence is 100% guaranteed to bless, NOT stress.

(Check back next week when we'll talk about "The Quick Fix."

Word of Wisdom: The Pressure, Part 1

Wed, 12 Jun 2002 18:00:00 -0600

by Susan Noyes Anderson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: People are communal creatures, and wanting to be one of the crowd is natural. This usually brings up questions: "Which set of rules makes sense to me, if any? Whose ideas come closest to my own? What group or groups truly satisfy my needs?" Answers may not be that easy to come by, and that's why an understanding of group behavior and how it affects you is so important. The Pressure, Part 1

Pressure. Is there anyone who doesn't have to put up with it? One way or another, and usually in lots of ways, we all get to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. Sometimes it comes from outside sources, sometimes from within, but it's always a force to be reckoned with.

When a person who's still in school decides to break the Word of Wisdom, peer pressure usually gets blamed. A lot of the teens I know resent this assumption. They feel sure that what others do doesn't really affect them. I wouldn't go that far, but I do agree that peers are only one of many sources of pressure, including parents, school, church, and even one's self. Let's take a look at some of the pressures you and your friends are exposed to, as well as their effects.

My guess is that you've all had at least one science teacher explain (probably in more detail than you wanted!) exactly how rocks are formed. Apparently sand, clay, mud, fossils, pieces of wood and the like are subjected to geological pressure over long periods of time. That pressure, a jumble of powerful forces brought to bear upon them for years, eventually molds them into rocks and boulders.

Doesn't it seem likely that the pressures exerted upon people mold them too? I believe they do, and I also believe that sometimes those forces are powerful enough to cause tremors or even full-on earthquakes in our lives. Let's take a closer look at what kinds of pressures influence you.

Most parents want the best for their children, and yours are no different. Moms and Dads are thrilled when their kids look good, act right, study hard, make the honor roll, win scholarships or other honors, run for office, join clubs, participate in sports...(are you still with me?)...attend seminary, church and activities cheerfully, develop positive extracurricular interests, choose uplifting friends, do chores willingly, develop hobbies or skills, earn their own money... (need a time out yet??)...organize their schedules, work through problems, seem happy, and in all these (and as many other ways as possible) provide good examples to their brothers and sisters. Whew! No sweat, huh? No pressure either!

As if that weren't enough, school can take the very best student and turn him or her into a total stress case. Academic competition, the need to be accepted by the "right" college, figuring out your major, dealing with frazzled teachers, and even finding some kids to hang out with can be a real drag. On top of that, you have to come up with a way to fit those important church activities in, all the time remembering to CTR in a CT not so R kind of world. Let's face it. It's not easy being you, and there is definitely pressure involved. (And we haven't even talked about peers yet!)

But we probably should. This discussion of pressure really wouldn't be complete without them. Let's begin by saying what everybody already knows: Having friends matters. And what our friends think of us matters too. This is true for parents and kids alike, because acceptance is a basic human need, one we share with the animal kingdom. Wolves need a pack, sheep a herd, lions a pride, geese a flock—even puppies start out in litters!

Of course, we start out in families, but that's just the beginning. As social as our animal friends are, we seem to be even more so. While they belong to one group, we belong to many. We're part of a family, an extended family, a neighborhood, a ward, a school, a work environment, a club, a team, a class... the possibilities are endless, and so are the pressures. Where do these pressures come from? Our natural desire to please and be liked. People are communal creatures, and wanting to be one of the crowd is natural. In fact, it's instinct!

How do we get to be "one of the crowd"? The same way animals do, though on a more complex scale. We set up rules, agreements, and expectations. These can be unwritten—even unspoken—but they are as real as the messages we receive through satellite disks and telephone wires. Sometimes the group rules are right out in the open, but other times they are camouflaged so completely only your subconscious mind knows about them. Either way, your understanding and willingness to go along is the ticket that gets and keeps you in.

Scientists have noticed a similar pattern in packs, prides, and herds. Leaders evolve, as do codes of behavior, and conformity is part of the deal. Those who buck the basic laws and structure of the group will not be part of it for long. Often, the "different ones" are attacked and left behind to fend for themselves. Of course, no living thing wants to be alone.

Human beings least of all want to be alone, and our lives are even more complicated than those of the animals we observe in nature. So are the pressures we face. Most of us identify with several groups, and rules and expectations can differ with each one. As a teen, you may feel pulled in too many directions, especially when you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want. This usually brings up questions: "Which set of rules makes sense to me, if any? Whose ideas come closest to my own? What group or groups truly satisfy my needs?" Answers may not be that easy to come by, and that's why an understanding of group behavior and how it affects you is so important. We'll check that out that next week in "The Pressure, Part 2."

Word of Wisdom: Stupid Rule or Cool?

Fri, 31 May 2002 18:00:00 -0600

by Susan Noyes Anderson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How hard is it to be one of the few guys on the team who doesn't throw down a beer once in awhile? How does it feel to be labeled "close-minded," "too religious," or even "brainwashed by your parents" because you won't try just one cigarette...smoke just one bowl...take just one pill? There has to be a way to do what's right and still "fit in," right?

You Gotta Fight for the Right to Party

You Gotta Fight For the Right to Party, at least that's what the Beastie Boys said. Is it true? And if so, is the right to party worth fighting for? That's the question we're going to talk about in this series, and I'm hoping we can come up with some answers that make sense.

Before we get started though, I have to admit one thing—I'm a mom. In fact, I'm such a mom that my kids have been known to put their hands over their ears and make loud shrieking noises while I'm voicing my opinions. The good news is that I'm not your mom, which will probably make it a whole lot easier for you to put up with me! Just to be sure though, I'm ready to make you a deal. If you won't screech, I won't preach. (Or at least, I'll try not to.) Fair enough? Good, because I really think I'm onto something here, and creative (resourceful, enterprising, inventive, bold, active, lively, independent) minds may just agree that being onto something beats being on something every time.

I don't have to tell you that alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs have been around for years. When I was 15 (who said "Dark Ages?!"), teenagers used to tell their parents "everyone was doing it." At the time, that was a major exaggeration, but today it's closer to the truth. Nearly everyone IS doing it, which can make standing up for what's right a lot harder. You've probably already learned that it's no walk in the park being one of a "peculiar people," especially when you're trying to be reasonably cool.

How hard is it to be one of the few guys on the team who doesn't throw down a beer once in awhile? How does it feel to be labeled "close-minded," "too religious," or even "brainwashed by your parents" because you won't try just one cigarette...smoke just one bowl...take just one pill? Of course, some kids will admire you for sticking by your beliefs (and that's a great feeling!), but even those who look up to you might decide you're a little too "good" for their group. There has to be a way to do what's right and still "fit in," right?

Right!...In fact, I've seen it done!! Of course, it isn't always easy. None of this is easy, but you know that better than anyone. You also know that getting through the teenage years without breaking the Word of Wisdom is becoming less common. Right now it's your job to achieve independence, so having friends think you're "controlled" either by your religion or your parents can be pretty hard to take. The truth is, people who can't imagine passing up all that "fun" often assume someone or something else must be making your choices for you, which is pretty annoying—and disrespectful too. You deserve credit for your own choices, good or bad. Besides, you know as well as I do that no one can be forced to obey the Word of Wisdom. (That's one you gotta handle yourself!)

And you CAN handle it yourself. What's more, you can handle it well, but there's a catch. You have to really want it. What's more, you have to know why you want it. This kind of knowing demands information, and this Mormon Life series is one person's attempt to collect and supply some. I hope you'll find the facts, true experiences, and ideas in these Word of Wisdom columns a useful resource. Your decision, as always, will be up to you. Make it thoughtfully, even prayerfully, because you deserve the best life has to offer, now and forever.

Next up in the "Word of Wisdom" series, "The Pressure: Part 1"....

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