Mormon Life - Fatherhood tag

Relating to Your Son or Daughter Experiencing Same-gender Attraction: Advice to Parents

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by M. Catherine Thomas
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In conjunction with today's featured article, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield (click here to read), we offer this excerpt specifically for LDS parents of children who experience homosexual feelings.

The following is an excerpt from Voices of Hope: Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction, taken from the chapter “Perspectives for Parents.” Click here to learn more.

Listening

As we look to our child, we may find it possible to identify some ways in which we have unwittingly made life more difficult for our child; and then we may consider offering a detailed apology. This is self-care as well as child care because our spirit knows when we have not measured up in a relationship; to heal ourselves, we have to come clean in the relationship. During this apology we will not mention the child’s failings, only our own. We will humbly ask forgiveness and ask how we can be more helpful. We will listen undefensively, as dispassionately as we can. Healing communication can then begin. Then, in addition to much listening, we may be able to share with our child, as time goes on, some points of view that can reassure both our child and us.

Shame and Guilt

Our child will likely be suffering from shame and feelings of unworthiness, even if he has not chosen to express his same-gender attraction sexually. He may have felt directly or indirectly the negativity, sometimes amounting to hatred and vitriol, being poured out, even by some members of the Church, on people dealing with same-gender attraction. His feelings of shame will interfere with his ability to draw close to the Lord for comfort.

Following are responses that two people have had as they have confronted both shame and guilt over their same-gender feelings and the issue of sex. A young LDS woman in her thirties who has just begun coming to terms, after a fifteen-year struggle, with her feelings of attraction for other women, and is wondering what this means for her, wrote me the following about her perception that, at their inception, same-gender feelings do not seem intrinsically sexual.

“It’s not about sex. Other people think that those who might be/are gay are struggling with immoral thoughts/feelings and behaviors. But what you will hear across the board is that the first feeling is that ‘I am different.’ As other teenagers or young adults start to explore with giddiness their crushes and dreamy thoughts of an ideal future, those with same-gender attraction start to try to figure out what is wrong with them. I think THIS is the battlefront.

“They begin to feel shame over their nonsexualized attraction to the same gender, where heterosexuals are encouraged in that attraction, understood, given boundaries to work within, etc. Ultimately, heterosexuals can find legitimate physical/sexual expression for that attraction, but many same-gender-attracted people freeze in that shame—never drifting to immoral thoughts/feelings/behavior, but having no route, or reroute, for that part of themselves—and begin to internalize this struggle.”

Another LDS young man who deals with this challenge wrote similarly:

“The shame is a huge problem. . . . I had similar feelings of being ‘different’ when I was younger, and while I occasionally fantasized about being physically close with other boys, I don’t recall it ever feeling sexual until well into high school—and even then I was so afraid of those feelings that I never allowed myself to acknowledge them. More often than not, I just wanted to feel close to other guys, or I would allow myself to overfocus on qualities in them I felt I lacked, and wanted, in myself.

“I remember once wanting to give my best friend a hug when I saw him, and he looked at me funny and asked if I was gay. That was in fourth grade, I think. All I knew about ‘gay’ was that it was bad, and the shame I felt in that moment led me to tenaciously avoid any behaviors that might be perceived that way. I disowned a lot of parts of my personality, and it’s only been in my adulthood that I’ve been learning to reclaim, reintegrate those parts, and learn to love men in the deep and intimate and healthy ways I only ever wanted anyway.”

Caring for your child would include helping him to let go of shame for the feelings themselves and reassuring him of the Lord’s love. Many people who experience same-gender attraction find that, despite the fact that they are dealing with a set of deeply disconcerting feelings, they can exist in a loving relationship with the Lord in the same system of faith, repentance, and having the Holy Ghost that anyone else can. In this way they are able to embrace a sense of worthiness that allows them to move forward spiritually as they manage these feelings within the bounds the Lord has set.

Elder Holland wrote on making the distinction between feelings and behavior: “While same-gender attraction is real, there must be no physical [sexual or romantic] expression of this attraction. The desire for physical gratification does not authorize immorality by anyone. Such feelings can be powerful, but they are never so strong as to deprive anyone of the freedom to choose worthy conduct. In saying this, let me make it clear that attractions alone, troublesome as they may be, do not make one unworthy.”

Labeling

People tend to behave according to the way they see themselves. Help him to take care with the labels he puts on himself. Lift your child’s sights to a vision of who he really is. Elder Dallin H. Oaks offers this counsel to a parent about what he might say to his child:

“You’re my son. You will always be my son, and I’ll always be there to help you. . . .

“Homosexuality . . . is not a noun that describes a condition. It’s an adjective that describes feelings or behavior. I encourage you, as you struggle with these challenges, not to think of yourself as a ‘something’ or ‘another,’ except that you’re a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and you’re my son, and that you’re struggling with challenges. . . .

“You’ve described a particular kind of challenge that is very vexing. It is common in our society and it has also become politicized. But it’s only one of a host of challenges men and women have to struggle with, and I just encourage you to seek the help of the Savior to resist temptation and to refrain from behavior that would cause you to have to repent or to have your Church membership called into question.”

Shaping a Life

As people dealing with same-gender attraction look at traditional lifestyles, they may not see where they fit in. One young man wrote me: “All of the talks at BYU on dating and marriage, including some in which we were told that if we weren’t dating ‘X’ number of times per week we weren’t magnifying our priesthood, left me feeling especially depressed, broken, and like I was failing God and everyone else around me. It wasn’t until I had a very powerful spiritual witness—in association with Isaiah 56:3–4, actually—that all I needed to do was my best to nurture my relationship with the Lord and to cultivate and follow the Spirit in my life (and whether I married in this life or the next, I was completely accepted of the Lord) that I felt so much of that burden of shame and guilt and depression and failure lift. The love I felt was overwhelming and taught me what my central focus should be. Prior to that, the cultural box I was being shoved into was spiritually and emotionally suffocating.”

Another young man, who chose to serve a mission even while dealing with the challenge of same-gender attraction, describes how he had been mentally and emotionally stuck in choosing the gospel way over the world’s way until he found that he didn’t have to live a traditional life and that, indeed, stereotypes can be ignored:

“I understood, finally, that I was an individual on my own path and that it was impossible to know where that would take me. I did have to make choices along the way, but I wasn’t limited by those stereotypes in my head. And the only thing I had to commit to was the gospel of Jesus Christ. The important distinction was between LDS culture, which isn’t necessarily true, and the fulness of the gospel, which is. When I realized that my path might not look like everyone else’s and that it was really just between the Lord and me, I felt a new confidence. I handed that map over to the Savior and let him navigate—I jumped into the driver’s seat. . . . If we truly trust the Lord, we don’t need to fear the unknown vistas that await us. We can listen to the Spirit and the compass of our hearts and look forward to that day . . . when we realize we have happened onto an answer and that it was the Lord who brought us there. But until then, there’s no reason we shouldn’t roll down the windows and breathe deeply, even if we’re not sure exactly where we are. It’s okay, the Lord does.”

Boundaries

At some point parents are faced with situations in which they wonder what boundary lines might be appropriate because their love for their child versus their sense of right and wrong can create conflict in their minds. Such situations might include whether to attend a marriage or commitment ceremony, or what role a potential partner might play within the family. Elder Oaks was asked: “At what point does showing that love cross the line into inadvertently endorsing behavior? If the son says, ‘Well, if you love me, can I bring my partner to our home to visit? Can we come for holidays?’ How do you balance that against, for example, concern for other children in the home?”

Can a parent’s love cross a line and inadvertently endorse homosexual practice? Elder Oaks responded: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration. I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. There would also be other factors that would make that the likely answer. . . . There are so many different circumstances, it’s impossible to give one answer that fits all.”

Elder Wickman emphasizes a parent’s need to avoid the pitfall of defending a child’s homosexual lifestyle: “I think it’s important as a parent to avoid a potential trap arising out of one’s anguish over this situation. I refer to a shift from defending the Lord’s way to defending the errant child’s lifestyle, both with him and with others. It really is true the Lord’s way is to love the sinner while condemning the sin. That is to say we continue to open our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children, but that need not be with approval of their lifestyle. Neither does it mean we need to be constantly telling them that their lifestyle is inappropriate. An even bigger error is now to become defensive of the child because that neither helps the child nor helps the parent. That course of action, which experience teaches, is almost certainly to lead both away from the Lord’s way.”

One mother remarks that she has said to her son: “‘I love you and respect your feelings, and I know you will respect mine. Because you were reared in the Church, you know what my standards are.’ He is fine with that because he prides himself on being an honest person.”

Elder Oaks mentioned that different circumstances may require different responses. After fasting and prayer, one set of parents in a home where there were no younger children chose to let the child and his long-term partner make the decision as to whether they would share a bedroom in the family home. The key seems to be Elder Oaks’s statement: “That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration.”

Click here to read the companion piece, "Our Story: Living with Same-sex Attraction" by Ty and Danielle Mansfield.

Fathers should be missionaries to their children, family too

Mon, 14 May 2012 11:16:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

Our take: Missionaries are typically those who leave their home and families to spread a message of faith to other parts of the world; however, Pastor Scott T. Brown points out that the biggest, untapped mission field may be right at home, among family. To lead by example and help decrease the number of young people walking away from the faith of their parents, he suggests that fathers view their own families as a mission field and take the time to pass a spiritual heritage onto the next generation at home.

Ailing father writes letters to daughter he won't see grow up

Fri, 11 May 2012 08:36:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

Ben Thomas is facing the reality that he has a disease that will take him away from his young daughter much too soon.

But rather than let that thought get him down, he is creating memories she can hold onto once he's gone.

Two years ago, Ben loved to run, ride his bike, and canyoneering. He liked to travel to new places with his wife, Jena. But that all changed when he noticed his left leg wasn’t moving like it used to in the spring of 2010. Twitches in his shoulders and upper arms soon followed.

{Poll} Mother's Day vs. Father's Day

Thu, 10 May 2012 00:03:00 -0600

by Kate Ensign-Lewis
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Mothers and fathers are equally important in a child's life. How do the days in which we honor them compare?

Sunday will be my first real Mother's Day. Last year on that day, I was unhappily sitting in church, very pregnant, one day overdue with my son. Why couldn't he have arrived in time for Mother's Day? I thought. (Obviously the wound is still fresh.) But I digress.

More than anything, I've been looking forward to the simple joy of holding my own child on that day for quite some time. But even before I was really a mother, I had been honored along with other women in my past wards for being a future mother. I've seen flowers, heard songs, and eaten chocolate (no complaints there). Occasionally the men of the ward have taken over the women's non-Relief Society Sunday callings so those women could attend Relief Society.

On the other hand, I vaguely remember that Father's Day has been celebrated in these wards, though I honestly can't remember if my dad or my husband received any small gifts. However, growing up, my dad got just as much attention as my mom did on her day (with perhaps slightly fewer presents).

What's been your experience? How have the two days compared in your life, and do they get a different amount of attention?

LDS man is 'World's Most Embarrassing Dad'

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 04:22:00 -0600

by Emily McClure - LDS Living
source: ldsliving.com

Mormon Life says: Dale Price never set out to embarrass his son - he just wanted to wave at his bus as it drove by and show some fatherly love . . . while in full costume. Now his efforts have been the subject of news pieces and even a Japanese reality show.

American Fork, Utah, has nearly 30,000 residents, but only one of those residents can claim the title of “World’s Most Embarrassing Dad.” Dale Price, husband, stay-at-home dad of three children and professional paintballer, has put American Fork on the map both on national and international news thanks to his morning ritual of dressing up in costume and waving at his son’s school bus on its morning route.

It all began with a hearse.

As a teenager with a passion for surfing, Price saw the hearse as the perfect vehicle for holding surf gear and camping out at the beach. Even though he was never able to find a hearse in his teen years, Price did not give up on his dream, and about a decade ago, he finally found and purchased a hearse.

The addition of the hearse to the family complemented perfectly Price’s love of Halloween: “I’ve always liked Halloween, always thought it was one of the best holidays, because there’s no real underlying thing to it. Christmas has very deep meaning, Easter has deep meaning. Halloween . . . is just kids going out and having fun, getting candy, and smiling.” When Halloween rolled around, Price set up a little graveyard in front of his house and used the hearse as part of the decoration.

What started out as a small amount of holiday décor quickly became a sizeable part of the tradition of American Fork’s Halloween fun.

“Now I have two hearses, I decorate on the neighbor’s yard, across the street, everywhere," Price said. "It takes me two months, minimum, and I never finish.” The Halloween decoration has become a family affair for the Prices as well, and they have dressed up as characters from The Incredibles, The Wizard of Oz and the Pirates of Caribbean.

Price’s love of Halloween and costuming made for an easy transition to his most recent project. In August 2010, after his wife, Rochelle, suggested they wave at their son’s bus as it passed the house, Price decided to wave at his son’s bus every morning—in costume. Price recalled, “It was a dumb idea that went crazy.”

Price has dressed up as Indiana Jones, a knight, Kung Fu Panda, a chef, and a bride (go to waveatthebus.blogspot.com to view photos of his daily costumes). By personal choice, Price does not recycle costumes, and finding inspiration for a new costume every day can be difficult: “It’s brutal, actually. There’s some pressure there, trying to come up with something different and new. It just takes some time and effort, walking around your house, your garage, your basement, seeing what you can do.”

While Price’s son, Rain, showed some trepidation at the latest family tradition, Price said he didn’t set out to embarrass his son: “It was really just to start my son’s day off with a smile, to show him not to take anything too seriously. Just be able to laugh at yourself.”

Since that year, the Prices have started a blog, podcast and app, and they have been featured on shows like Inside Edition and Good Morning America, and on numerous magazines, including The National Enquirer.

Most recently, the Prices finished filming for a Japanese reality TV show called Torihada, which means “Goosebumps.” Aside from repeated instructions to “act normal,” Price remembered, “They’d be running down the street after me when I was driving the carpool to school, filming in the windows. [We’d be] walking across the street to the park, there’d be three cameras, a microphone, the director, the producer…”

After filming non-stop from 6:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night for four days, it was no surprise that the family was exhausted and ready for a break.

Rain Price is nearing the end of high school, and with a new driver’s license to boot, the days of riding the bus are coming to a close. While Price said he'll miss that connection with his son, he won’t mind the chance to finally sleep in and not spend the day searching for costume ideas.

Until that day comes, however, Dale Price will continue to be the World’s Most Embarrassing Dad: “If he’s riding the bus, I’ll be waving.”

Young Women Lesson 14: Patriarchal Leadership in the Home

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 00:00:00 -0600

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "The family proclamation gives this beautiful explanation of the relationship between a husband and a wife: While they have separate responsibilities, 'in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.'" -Dallin H. Oaks

Discussion Questions

• How can the priesthood bless our lives now, regardless of our individual circumstances?

• What spiritual qualities should we seek in a husband? How can these qualities help him lead a family in righteousness?

• Consider your relationship with your Father in Heaven. How has He shown you His great care and love for you as an individual?

Excerpt from "Priesthood Authority in the Family and the Church" by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, October 2005 General Conference:

My father died when I was seven. I was the oldest of three small children our widowed mother struggled to raise. When I was ordained a deacon, she said how pleased she was to have a priesthood holder in the home. But Mother continued to direct the family, including calling on which one of us would pray when we knelt together each morning. I was puzzled. I had been taught that the priesthood presided in the family. There must be something I didn’t know about how that principle worked.

About this same time, we had a neighbor who dominated and sometimes abused his wife. He roared like a lion, and she cowered like a lamb. When they walked to church, she always walked a few steps behind him. That made my mother mad. She was a strong woman who would not accept such domination, and she was angry to see another woman abused in that way. I think of her reaction whenever I see men misusing their authority to gratify their pride or exercise control or compulsion upon their wives in any degree of unrighteousness (see D&C 121:37).

I have also seen some faithful women who misunderstand how priesthood authority functions. Mindful of their partnership relationship with their husband in the family, some wives have sought to extend that relationship to their husband’s priesthood calling, such as bishop or mission president. In contrast, some single women who have been abused by men (such as in a divorce) mistakenly confuse the priesthood with male abuse and become suspicious of any priesthood authority. A person who has had a bad experience with a particular electrical appliance should not forego using the power of electricity.

Each of the circumstances I have described results from misunderstanding priesthood authority and the great principle that while this authority presides in both the family and the Church, the priesthood functions in a different way in each of them. This principle is understood and applied by the great Church and family leaders I have known, but it is rarely explained. Even the scriptures, which record various exercises of priesthood authority, seldom state expressly which principles only apply to the exercise of priesthood authority in the family or in the Church or which apply in both of them.

To read the full talk, click here.

God did not create men and women to be alike, but to be valued equally

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:54:00 -0700

source: deseretnews.com

Mormon Life says: Touchy subject. I think the author handled it well. Of all the questions we get about the church, no subject is more prevalent than the role and status of women. It is surprisingly common for curious people to have the impression that Mormonism is a male-dominated culture and theology; and even to view women as subservient, second-class citizens.

Part of this impression likely comes from misconceptions about polygamy (see earlier columns in this miniseries about answering common questions). But it goes broader and deeper than that. Many people know that the priesthood is held only by men in the church, and they assume that implies that they occupy a more important and favored position than women.

Dave Says: Trust Broken after Co-signing

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 00:04:00 -0700

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I missed some car payments after my dad co-signed on it, and our relationship has been affected. How do I make things right?

Dear Dave,

My dad cosigned on a car loan for me a few years ago before I began working your plan to get control of my money. I missed some payments back then, and it has affected our relationship. I’ve since paid off the car, but how do I make things right with my dad?

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I know you’re hurting, but a lot of this is up to him. The truth is he’s partially to blame for being dumb enough to cosign in the first place. And if this was just a mistake you made when you were a kid, then he should be mature enough to realize that and recognize the progress you’re making now with your finances.

If you haven’t yet apologized for messing up, I think it’s something you should do very soon. Let him know how much you hate that it harmed your relationship, and tell him you’re following a program that will help you make sure nothing like that ever happens again.

Then, if he can’t accept that and move on, it’s all on him. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but sometimes time is the only thing that heals those kinds of wounds.

—Dave

For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.

The Perfect Family--Why we stick to the ideal

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 09:41:00 -0700

source: MormonTimes.com

In my early 20s, my husband and I lived on Miami Beach. Our ward represented a small United Nations, with a varying mix of social classes.

In our Primary, the majority of the children were from single parent homes. Since I’d grown up in the era of political correctness, I decided it was time to be progressive. When Father’s Day approached, I opted for us to skip over the requisite, “I’m So Glad When Daddy Comes Home.” After all, most of the kids never saw their fathers. There was no need to cause these children unnecessary pain. Father’s Day slid by without notice.

Well, the next year, under the direction of a new primary chorister, these same children stood and proudly sang, “I’m So Glad When Daddy Comes Home.” The chorister was no stranger to family challenges. A convert of a decade, she had a blended family and was in a second marriage. She was aware that many of these children had no father, but she believed in the message of the song. From watching the children, I could tell they did, too.

Mormon Women and Motherhood, Fatherhood and Coparenting

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 08:25:00 -0600

source: the-exponent.com

As some of you may know, I’m editing an issue of “Sunstone” devoted to Mormon women and motherhood. As work for this project, I’ve been reading a book I picked up over two decades ago, “The Reproduction of Mothering” by Nancy Chodorow. There are some really boring chapters on psychoanalysis and Freudian ideas of infancy, but the second chapter is really great. In particular I was struck by these observations:

Mothers are women, of course, because a mother is a female parent, and a female who is a parent must be adult, hence must be a woman. [Of course that's not true; ten-year-olds have given birth.] Similarly, fathers are male parents, are men. But we mean something different when we say that someone mothered a child than when we say that someone fathered him or her.(11)

Running a Tight Ship

Sat, 07 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Marie Calder Ricks
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Raising children is hard work. It begins the day they are born and seems to continue even when they have flown the coop and nested elsewhere. While they are under your direct stewardship, however, there are eight simple, important skills that will make for a more peaceful life for the whole family. Teaching families the skills necessary for a successful home life requires patience and know-how. As a professional organizer who specializes in helping families function better, I have firsthand experience with this fact. And in the past 25 years, I have discovered eight essential skills that have come to my aid over and over again as I've helped families find answers to their organization challenges, work together as a team, and increase their sense of personal responsibility. These skills are best taught to family members one at a time - perhaps in a family meeting where instruction can be given, training can happen, and practicing can be done. Then the skill can be practiced for a week or two until the new routine becomes a more permanent habit.

Skill #1: Individual responsibility leads to group success. Make clear and definitive assignments to each family member. In many families I work with, there is no clear understanding of where the children's responsibilities end and the parents' jobs begin. The muddled responsibility line causes never-ending challenges. You can change that situation right away.

As an example, let's talk about laundry. If children are in charge of putting their soiled clothing in the dirty clothes basket in the bathroom when they bathe or shower, this skill should be taught and practiced. It is the parents’ role to make the expectations clear and then offer motivation to get the chores done in a timely manner, day after day.

I often suggest that families implement individual "laundry" responsibilities by having a family meeting where it is decided who does what and when. In this meeting, it might be concluded that Mom will do laundry on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. All family members are to put their dirty clothes in the bathroom baskets when they bathe or shower. Any other clothing that needs Mom's special attention is to go in the dirty clothes basket in the laundry room.

Dinner on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening will be served only after family members have put their clean laundry away. To remind all dinner-comers of their responsibilities, place plates upside down on the table. Then, turn the plates over as each person reports that his or her freshly laundered clothes have been hung in the closet or placed in the appropriate drawers. Such a plan is sure to lead to group success.

Skill #2: Bedrooms are a mini-home. Make beds and tidy bedrooms every morning. A made or unmade bed in and of itself is not important. The skill you are working to achieve is the steadiness of doing something simple day after day so it becomes a part of the "background" of your lifestyle. In addition, when all family members make their beds and tidy their bedrooms each morning, much of the private space of the home is kept neat with just a little effort on the part of each family member.

I have found it useful to have a standards sheet for family members new to this skill. Each morning they can check off the various items needing their attention (such as making the bed, hanging up clothes, etc.). Having such a sheet is also useful for communicating the expectations of the parent to the child when it is time to check the bedroom.

Skill #3: Help out at meal time. Clear your place at the table. Push your chair in at the table. Put one additional food item away. This skill is useful to relieve mealtime stress from the cook and dishwasher. It shows family members that if everyone helps a little bit, then a lot of the work can be done quickly.

Again, it is important that each family member be specifically in charge of his or her individual dishes and one other item after the meal is completed. Mom might assign specific tasks by saying, "Jon, you are in charge of the pepper and salt. Rachel, you can take care of the napkins. Michael, you get to be our butter dish waiter by putting it away. I'll do the leftovers, and Dad says he'll wipe the table after meals. We'll all push in our own chairs. With everyone helping a bit, the dinner dishes will be done in no time at all."

Skill #4: Don’t put it down, put it away. Everyone keeps their personal items picked up, especially in the public areas of the home. This skill is somewhat elusive because it takes self-discipline.

When I work with families on this skill, we set up a mock situation. After taking a tour of the home, we decide upon one area of action. I usually suggest focusing on the family room. In our mock situation, I place several magazines around on the couches, an empty glass on the end table, and some shoes near the TV. Then a discussion is held about items that had been put down instead of being put away. I then ask for a volunteer and time one family member as he or she cleans up the mock messiness to see how long it takes.

Of course, putting items away is not about time, it is about habit. I establish this idea by placing the items in a messy state again and letting a second family member try to beat the first "put away" time. And on and on we go with the game.

The goal for the next week is to have a family room that is returned to order again and again because family members using the room put their items away, not put them down.

Skill #5: Learn to finish. Flush the toilet. Make sure there is sufficient toilet paper. Hang up your towel after bathing or showering. Leave the bathroom as neat as or neater than you found it. The skill of finishing is best taught initially in the room that sees a lot of family members each day and can become quite messy without consistent "finishing."

With younger children, it is enough to focus on flushing the toilet, checking the toilet paper, and helping them hang up their towel after bathing. With older children, teenagers, and adults, the skills might include washing their toothpaste spittle down the sink, putting their toothbrush and the toothpaste away, and getting their dirty clothes inside the laundry basket.

Again, a family meeting might be held where the specifics of what a "finished" bathroom looks like are discussed and clarified. Successful "finishing" marks could merit a treat at the end of the week.

Skill #6: Seek to serve. Help Mom or Dad 15 minutes every day doing what they want you to do. Mom or Dad will, in turn, do what you would like to do once a week on "your day." Kids spend a lot of time whining about having too much to do around the house just with regular chores. Yet there are special circumstances that seem to come up each day where a little extra help would really make a difference to most parents.

Thus the skill of service. Ask family members to come to you sometime during the day and ask how they can help out. Set a timer for 15 minutes and let your children serve you in unique ways, according to the demands of the day.

This is countered by children having one day of the week where Mom or Dad will do what they want for the same 15-minute period. Often children will ask for a book to be read aloud, for a few minutes together at the basketball hoop, or for help with their latest school project.

This back-and-forth service in the home sets the stage for bigger service projects outside the home and creates a "sure, I'll be happy to help" attitude.

Skill #7: Regularly return the whole home to order. Clean up the house three times a day, usually before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This skill helps keep the home neat and teaches family members that any little job done frequently is much easier than a bigger job done less often. Because food is a great motivator, choosing to clean up before meals will bring a higher rate of success.

For example, a mother might say, "Dad will be home in fifteen minutes. I have dinner prepared, but, oh, the mess we have around the house! I have hot spaghetti and meatballs for all 'Italian sailors' that can help make our home ship-shape for inspection by Daddy when he arrives home. Let's set a timer and go to work."

Skill #8: Practice self-initiative. Do one chore every day without being asked. This skill is also somewhat elusive unless there is specific training about both the principle and the practice. It is useful for a family meeting to be held where each family member is given a chance to choose a daily chore they will do for the whole week without being asked or reminded. It is useful, as with all family projects, to make up a written chart with commitments written down plainly.

For example, a father might receive the following commitments from his family. "Kent will put away his backpack on the hook in his bedroom when he first comes home from kindergarten. Eliza will set the dinner table at four P.M. Mom will have dinner ready by six P.M. I will start doing dishes right after dinner. Everyone will do these chores without being reminded."

There are many other important skills to learn together as a family, but these eight skills seem to make the most difference to most families I work with. In no time at all, the laundry is being put away in a timely manner. Bedrooms are neater. Meals go more smoothly. The family is working together and it is easier to maintain order.

Of course, there will be bad days, but the skills are there to be practiced again when things settle down. All in all, it makes for a happier family when the home and life are a bit more organized.

--- In Marie's new book, The Children You Want with the Kids You Have: Training Children to Work and Gain Other Essential Skills, she details a "Training Children to Work Master Plan" for helping children learn a variety of essential skills needed to have a good work ethic, a responsible character, and the opportunity to live in a home that functions well. Now available at Deseret Book.

A Tribute to Dad

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Various Contributors
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: His strong arms are always there to open jars of tomato sauce, toss us into the air for a big splash in the pool, move our boxes as we go to college, and gently hold us when we make a mistake. The most fitting tribute would stretch well beyond the limits of this magazine, but we at LDS Living hope you enjoy the stories of how many people’s lives have been better because of one man: Dad. The Right Priorities Being a father is an enormous responsibility. And when you marry someone, you don't really know what kind of a father he will be. Bronco has become a wonderful father. I don't think either one of us knew what we were doing when we had our first son. But now I can honestly say that he has surpassed my expectations.

Lots of men come home from work but don't really spend quality time with their children. Just being home doesn't make you a good father. Bronco is really available when he is home. Our life might be a bit different from the average family, but we strive to have quality time, because we don't often have quantity. When Bronco is home he is truly there, and our boys know it. Every night, they run to the door to see him.

When Bronco comes home, we all sit in our family room and read, visit, or just reconnect. He will often help the boys with school projects, reading, or just relaxing. I love this because I'm dead tired by the time he gets home and ready for someone else to take over.

He knows the needs of each of our boys and strives to find individual time with them. Our three boys are very different, and Bronco takes the time to appreciate those differences and make each child feel special. Whether it is throwing a ball five thousand times, going to a bookstore, or taking one fly fishing, he takes time to develop his relationship with each child.

One thing I love about Bronco is that he is teaching our boys to respect women. In the way he talks to me and treats me, he is being a wonderful example to them. He constantly tells them all that I do for them and reminds them to thank me. Through his actions, they are learning what is important and equal in a relationship.

We try as a family to be creative in spending time together. Since he travels, we have to be creative in order to stay connected. Bronco loves to iChat with the boys when he is on the road. The boys can show him their work and ask him questions about things. We can also have family prayer, which helps us all feel connected. He loves to be tuned in to what is going on in their world. He loves to hear how their day went and ask all sorts of questions about what they learned or how they handled a certain situation.

Bronco truly enjoys being with our boys. He'll ask me to bring them to practice, we'll take them with us to away games, and we always travel with them.

Bronco is definitely the patriarch of our family, and our boys know it. They treat him with total respect, love, and admiration. They adore him. He is an amazing example for them in all aspects of his life. Parenthood is a partnership, and I’m very lucky to be with someone who realizes this and has his priorities in the right order.

-Holly Mendenhall (Wife of Bronco Mendenhall, head football coach at Brigham Young University)

Secure in His Love My dad is the most Christlike person I know. He has always put the needs, wants, and welfare of my mother and me, his only daughter, ahead of his own.

Growing up during the Great Depression taught my dad frugality in the strictest sense of the word. He learned early to work hard and to help support the family. He often worked at jobs he didn't care for out of responsibility to his family. He put himself through college. He is an example to me of education and has helped me have a lifelong love of learning. I have also learned that having many material things is not the most important aspect of this life.

When I was twelve, my mom, who was raised in the Church but was not active at the time, asked me if I would like to take the missionary discussions. My parents both supported me the whole way as I made the decision to be baptized. My dad has not yet joined the Church, but he is an example of Christ and His teachings like no other I have seen.

My dad is quiet, reserved, and soft-spoken. He does not nag or give unsolicited advice. He is kind and gentle.

I have always felt secure in my father's love. I have never felt that I have disappointed him. He is my example of unconditional love. I feel this has helped me feel love and trust in our Heavenly Father.

-Vicki Kendall Knopf Monterey, California

A Life of Sacrifice My dad, Daniel Zimpel, is a pretty amazing guy. He has dedicated his life to taking care of my sister, my mom, and me. We all have muscular dystrophy. Mom gets around okay on her own, but for my sister and especially me, it is a far different story.

Dad has always been devoted. As I grew and my condition worsened, and my sister's worsened, and my mom's condition worsened, he was put in higher demand. But he has always been there for me. Nowadays, things are pretty complicated.

Every day Dad gets me up for college, takes me to the bathroom, settles me in my electric wheelchair, and starts my breathing treatments; then he does the same thing for my sister. Dad has to start my tube feeds that run in a special pump. He brushes my teeth and does my trachea care. He is constantly on the move from one person to the other.

Dad also takes me to college. He takes all my notes for me since I can no longer write. But even when we return home, Dad's work is far from over. He needs to scan any assignments or textbook chapters onto the computer so I can do my homework.

At 5 p.m. he needs to make sure that my I.V. food is out of the refrigerator. Then he may get a chance to sit down for a few minutes. During this "break," Dad is giving medications, treatments, and suctioning as needed. Then it is time for the bedtime routine. I start my four evening treatments; my sister starts her treatments. Dad has to do final preparations for my I.V. food, then teeth and trachea care again.

After family scriptures and prayer, Dad spends the next couple hours putting my sister and me to bed. We both require extensive propping and positioning since we cannot move at all in bed. By the time this is all completed, it is between 11:30 P.M. and 1 A.M. Dad survives on four to six hours sleep - usually the former.

I know that none of these things were part of my dad's plans or expectations for his life. But the point is that he gave up his wants and devoted himself to me. Always pushing beyond his limits; always serving. He never has a day off, and there is no retirement in sight. My dad is Super Dad.

-Christamae Zimpel

Enduring Well I honor my dad for all of the public reasons people honor him: as a teacher, speaker, writer, and Church leader; for his testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and of the Savior. But I honor him even more for private reasons.

My dad died a few weeks before Father's Day last year. During the year before he died, he suffered from bone cancer. About a week before he died, he was having a bad reaction to some medicine and was agitated and struggled through the night. At one point during that ordeal, a difficult night for me and perhaps one of the very worst - if not the very worst night - of his 82-year life, as he lay there in a body full of cancer, with his eyes closed, he said in what was to me a sacred prayer - and in typical Truman Madsen inflection and cadence:

Thank you- For every moment, Every minute. We love you. We do. You've done glorious things to me; You know you have. Thank you! Thank you!

Following my Dad's example, I'd like to give thanks for his life, and his faith facing death.

As Elder Neal A. Maxwell has written:

For the world, enduring may be enough. But enduring well with grace under pressure is required of us. We all feel the world. There is no safe sanctuary into which an individual can retreat except the sanctuary of the committed life, consciously chosen, in which an individual reaches a supposed breaking point but does not break!

My dad reached that breaking point, and did not break - he endured well with grace under pressure, and with good humor to the very end.

A couple weeks before he died, alone in his hospital room with my mom, he suddenly broke the silence, "I just can't do it!" Mom thought this might be the dramatic moment and took his hand. He said, "I just can't get my left foot back in the bed!"

A week before he died, as we got him ready for bed, we turned him to adjust the covers. As I held him, I said, "I'm sorry, Dad. We're going as fast as we can." He said, "I know. So am I."

My dad taught me through his discipleship during the last year of his life that we can't go around. We have to go through - to the very end. And, on that last long night together a week before he died, as he endured a night-long ordeal, with his simple prayer of gratitude, he showed me that, with the Savior's help, we can get through what we have to get through - and we don't have to go alone.

For that and the light shafts of his testimony that shone all the way to the bottom of our hearts, for enduring so well with grace and good humor to the very end, for all these things and more, we in his family say: thanks, Dad.

-Barnard N. Madsen (Son of religion scholar Truman G. Madsen)

What a Father Should Be Spending my childhood without a father image, I wondered what a father should really be like.

My husband and I had been married for nearly ten years when we received the call that we were going to adopt a sweet little girl through LDS Family Services. This would be the first time I would witness the actions of a loving father toward his precious little girl.

We had just traveled for nearly ten hours, and when we entered the church building, the birthmother decided that she would be the one to place her child with us. She leaned over to me and put in my arms this precious little angel girl. Immediately my husband placed in her hands a dozen red roses, so that she would not feel that her hands were empty but filled with the love that we shared for her and the unselfish act of wanting the best for this child. I learned that day that the little girl I held had the best father any little girl could possibly wish for. I knew what it must have felt like when Heavenly Father held me in His hands as his daughter and made everything feel perfect for me.

I would say that my husband has spent the last thirteen years of his daughter's life happier than he has ever been. My husband is everything I knew that a father should be, and all that Heavenly Father intended him to become.

-Esmeralda Carter

Adapted from "A Tribute to Dad," LDS Living, May/June 2010. Read more great tributes to dads inside LDS Living.

FHE: Fathers

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Shauna Gibby
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "Fathers, you are the primary model of manhood for your sons. You are their most meaningful mentor, and believe it or not, you are their hero in countless ways." - M. Russell Ballard Conference Talk: For more information on this topic read "Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship," by M. Russell Ballard, Ensign, Nov 2009, 47-50.

Thought: Fathers, you are the primary model of manhood for your sons. You are their most meaningful mentor, and believe it or not, you are their hero in countless ways.

(M. Russell Ballard, "Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship," Ensign, Nov 2009, 47-50.)

Song: "Father," Children's Songbook, p. 209.

Scripture: I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father. (1 Nephi 1:1)

Lesson: Ask your family members to list something they have learned from their father. Also ask them to tell of one additional thing they would love their father to teach them.

Ask your family to read D&C 68:25-28 and find what the Lord expects parents to teach. Why do you think the Lord expects that of parents? Read Mosiah 1:1-8 and ask:

What were the names of Benjamin's sons?
What are several of the things he taught them?
What verse best shows him sharing his testimony with his children?
Why would it be important to hear the testimony of your parents?
What do these verses teach you about King Benjamin as a father?

Read the following statement from the First Presidency and share your testimony with your family: "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. . . . Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, [and] to observe the commandments of God." ("The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, November 1995, p. 102.)

(Dennis H. Leavitt and Richard O. Christensen, Scripture Study for Latter-day Saint Families: The Book of Mormon, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2003], p. 113.)

Story: Harmon Killebrew

I seldom think of my father without also remembering his bay window. We call it dad's bay window because he seemed always to be putting a new window pane in it. The window was a large one on the south side of our house in Payette, Idaho, and it overlooked a good-sized lawn which was just right for an athletic field for small boys.

I was the first to break dad's window, when I was four years old, in 1921. And from then on it really took a beating. All types of balls went through that window in the next thirty-five years, footballs, baseballs, snowballs, golf balls, and numerous rocks of assorted sizes.

Each time the window was broken, dad quietly went to town and got another pane and put it in. He never once told us kids that we couldn't play ball in the yard. Lots of times when there was a game in progress and dad came home from work, he joined in, and several times he broke the window himself by batting a baseball or kicking a football through it.

Dad always took the breaking of the window as a matter of course and showed no reaction except to replace it. But with mother, it was different. She always urged dad to do something about the situation each time the window was broken, but she never got very far. One winter, things concerning the constant breakage of the window reached a crucial point. The temperature was near the zero mark when a frozen snowball blasted through the window. Dad went to town to get a new pane, but it turned out that a piece of glass that size wasn't to be found in town. I guess dad had used them all up in previous mishaps. Anyway, one had to be ordered, and in the meantime a canvas was tacked over the empty window to keep out the cold. Mother had what is known in polite terms as a fit. It took dad several days to get her calmed down, but things were all right again as soon as the new window arrived and was installed.

I recall one time when Harmon crashed a baseball through the window and mother told dad that he just had to do something to stop the needless window breakage. Dad said, "Now Katie, don't get excited, we can always get another window, but where are we going to get another boy like that?"

At one time, things got so bad with brothers Harmon and Bob growing up that the bay window was just about out as much as it was in. So dad finally worked out a new plan. He had the large window replaced with a French type window made up of a lot of small panes. Then he purchased some extra small panes for the new window and sat back to wait. It wasn't long before a ball came sailing through the window right into the lap of grandfather, who was sitting in a chair by the window. But this time it was only a few minutes' work and a lot less expensive to replace a small square of glass in the window.

Dad is gone now, and all the Killebrew kids are grown. Our widowed sister, Eula, is living with mother in the old house. She has two small boys who are just beginning to throw balls around. I predict that the destruction of dad's old bay window will continue for several years to come. I'm sure that dad would be happy if he knew that his grandchildren were carrying on the Killebrew tradition of window breaking.

(Leon R. Hartshorn, Powerful Stories from the Lives of Latter-day Saint Men, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1974].)

Activity: Fill in the blanks. Below are clues to ten words that can be made from the letters in the word "GENEALOGY." Use each letter only once per puzzle.

1. _ _ _ (Not an arm.) 2. _ _ _ _ _ (Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith as an . . . ) 3. _ _ _ _ _ (A templed city in Utah.) 4. _ _ _ _ (A Christmas greeting.) 5. _ _ _ (Did it or the chicken come first?) 6. _ _ _ (Last name of a modern prophet.) 7. _ _ _ (The shepherd leaves the ninety and nine to seek the . . . ) 8. _ _ _ _ (Not short.) 9. _ _ _ _ _ (The symbol for the United States.) 10. _ _ (Not yes.)

Answers: 1. leg, 2. angel, 3. Logan, 4. Noel, 5. egg, 6. Lee, 7. one, 8. long, 9. eagle, 10. no.

(Rick Walton and Shauna Kawasaki, The Bit Book of Scripture Activities, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1996], p. 113.)

Refreshment Cherry Almond Squares

1 cup sour cream
1/4 cup water
3 eggs
1 box sour cream cake mix
1 can cherry pie filling
1/4 cup sliced almonds
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
2 tablespoons milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 15 1/2 x 10 1/2-inch jelly roll pan. Mix sour cream, water, and eggs in a large bowl. Stir in dry cake mix until moistened. Batter will be slightly lumpy. Spread into prepared pan. Drop pie filling by generous spoonfuls onto batter. Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until cake springs back when touched lightly. Cool. In a small bowl, combine powdered sugar and milk, stirring until a smooth glaze forms. Drizzle glaze over top. Sprinkle with almonds. Cut into bars.

Makes 3 dozen bars.

(Lion House Bakery, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2009], p. 86.)

Click here to download the PDF version of this lesson.

Crowded Nests

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kate Ensign-Lewis
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Your son is up in his room, getting ready to turn in for the night. You consider going up to tuck him in, but that wouldn't go over well. After all, he's 27. It's just hard to know what he needs from you. How can you make this experience good for everyone? It's a sign of the times; more and more children are living at home with their parents. In the past year alone, 13 percent of parents with grown children say at least one of their children has moved back home, according to the Pew Research Center. College expenses, job loss, divorce, and sometimes immaturity leave Mom and Dad with full homes much longer than they expected.

While some children never leave after high school, some move back after being on their own, making them part of a group social experts call "boomerangers." Parents who experience this trend may wonder if something is wrong with their child coming home.

Despite the diatribe that has arisen from this recent trend, adult children living at home is not always bad. In fact, Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, parenting expert and author of Don't Bite Your Tongue, says that if the move is to save money, "Good for the kid! In this particular economy, there are often no choices."

Dr. Laura Walker, associate professor at Brigham Young University, agrees. "I don't think there's any detriment to children staying in the home if it's the right situation."

Linda Thomson, who has hosted four of her five children during their adult lives, understood her children's various needs to move home and grew to love the experience. "Some of the kids that came home were struggling - financially and some of them emotionally. They had their ups and downs. Those were challenging in one way but also just wonderful," she says. "It was actually quite a neat experience to have."

Before parents condemn the situation of adult children returning home, Nemzoff encourages parents to first look inward and carefully evaluate the situation. "Are we upset because they're supposed to leave, or are we upset because they are, in fact, stuck?"

Now, whether or not living at home is detrimental to the development of your child is one thing; making sure the situation is not detrimental to your relationship is another. This is why parents need to take several steps before the adult child begins his or her stay.

Start When Young Parents need to first encourage habits of independence when children are young, says Walker. "It should be dealt with long before they reach twenty-six."

Talk with children about their goals, encourage them to be independent (emotionally and financially), and avoid "helicopter" parenting - choosing kids' classes, finding them jobs - when children get to the end of their high school years. Let them have autonomy in their decisions.

"Now, autonomy doesn't mean permissiveness," clarifies Walker. "It's supporting them through their decisions, but still encouraging them to make some decisions by themselves, so that they're not so afraid to do that when they actually need to."

What if you're past that point? Whether your child is moving home to save money during college or whether your child has just lost a job, you'll want to explicitly define the expectations of living together.

Establish Rules The first thing you'll want to do is take a good look at your expectations for your grown child's behavior. "What are the rules of the house, down to the minutiae?" posits Nemzoff. When they find laundry in the machine, do they need to fold it? If your child has children, just how often can you be expected to baby sit? How long your child is welcome for?

To pinpoint the details, first determine what your needs are. Then try to take into account your child's needs; a child returning home for a few months after college is quite different from a child returning after divorce or job loss. You shouldn't protect your child from responsibility if he or she is in a hard spot, but there will be certain compromising factors depending on the situation. Thomson considered this with her children. "I had the theory that they were going to learn and stretch and not be perfect, and while they were home, that was a good place for them to mend and be loved."

Next, tell your child what you expect. "And discuss it! I think that it's no longer so much 'command and control,'" says Nemzoff. "There are a million solutions. And it involves discussion. You're both adults, and you both know your needs."

"Children are always going to feel better about rules when they have a part in making them," says Walker.

While you negotiate with your child, remember he or she will be living in your house, and you have every right to dictate non-negotiable behavior. This includes behavior that goes against your morals.

"Often the younger generation is in a period of questioning the rules they grew up with," points out Nemzoff. So acknowledge the social realities of culture and let your child know what will not be tolerated in the home - no drinking, no drugs, and no sex before marriage. "You just have to be clear about what you are comfortable with," says Nemzoff. "And then if your child doesn't want to live there, that's your child's choice."

Revisit the Rules Set up a regular time to discuss and revisit the rules. Listen to your child's concerns and offer your own thoughts. Be patient and negotiate when you hit a snag. "I think respecting that the child may have good reasons that are different from yours [is important]," says Nemzoff. "Adults do differ."

It may sound like you're playing politician while hammering out the details of a treaty. In a way, you are. In parenting adults, Nemzoff emphasizes, you shouldn't bite your tongue and hold back your thoughts, but you must decide when expressing yourself is appropriate and when it's unnecessary - and you must remain mindful of your child as an adult who also has strong needs.

Create Ownership Thomson remembers she didn't require many rules for her adult children. "There wasn't a lot of tension over rules. Just more courtesy, rather," she says. Still, she found that giving them a sense of ownership over certain things - and having her own ownership - was crucial to happiness.

One of these things was space. Thomson found that she could happily withdraw to her room every night to have some alone time from the families that lived with her. "I like my space. I had a huge bedroom with my own TV and my own bath. I sent myself to my bedroom a lot," she says with a laugh. "With family there, I would just give them the run of the house. I didn't try to be all things."

While it gave her time to recuperate, she also withdrew for the good of her children and their families. As she had learned from her own parents while living with them, it was good to give a young family time to "be a family."

Next, she gave them ownership over responsibilities in the house. Each night a different family member, including in-laws, would cook the meal. "I think that night meal meant a lot to them. They felt some ownership over the kitchen, and I certainly wasn't the slave."

Lastly, she let each family unit function on its own. "I learned then that I didn't have a right to discipline the children. They didn't like it," Thomson says. "I learned very quickly to keep my mouth shut, and if I didn't like it, I could quietly go into the other room." Such things as family prayer, which Thomson at first felt a responsibility to dictate, she realized needed to be built within the family. "I had to let them build their own traditions."

When They Won't Leave Some parents find themselves three years down the road with no end in sight. They have looked at the situation and decided that, yes, they are upset because their child is stuck. This is when it's time to take the offense and start encouraging the child to move out.

Remember the cardinal rule when dealing with this situation: look at yourself first. Are you doing anything to encourage the child in his or her freeloading behavior? Walker says that parents who attend to most of the child's instrumental needs, such as doing laundry and cooking for the child, may be implicitly encouraging the child to stay.

"I think some parents get into that situation without realizing what they're doing," she says. "There could be parents who just don't ever put their foot down and end up with twenty-eight-year-old kids living in their basement. Then you're just enabling their bad behavior. . . . You're really just harming their identity development."

If your child is at home and you feel the time has come for him or her to leave, say it. Give your child a realistic deadline of when to move, whether that be two weeks or two months. Soften the situation by explaining your motivation for kicking them out - the desires you have for your son or daughter to negotiate life.

"Another thing [parents] can do to facilitate it is to not cut off all ties when the child leaves the home - to communicate to them that you're going to be supportive," says Walker. Tell your child you'll still be there to help, emotionally and (if you're willing) financially.

Follow up with the situation, and make sure to follow through. Be aware that it may not go over well, but don't let that prevent you from taking the step. "There may have to be some rough moments," says Nemzoff. "The goal of relationships is to have, for both parties, more joy than misery. . . . Not every moment is a happy moment."

A Worthwhile Experience Whatever the situation, the experience of living with adult children can be a positive one. Children can save and grow under in the company of their parents, and parents can be reminded that, even in adult years, they are needed.

Knowing they are needed is an important lesson for parents to learn. Adulthood for children no longer means parents step back and look on as a third party. Nowadays, parents are actively involved in their adult children's lives. "Parents need to know they still really matter," says Walker. Whether at home or away, children still need closeness with parents. And parents need it, too.

This is one reason Thomson looks back on the time her adult children lived at home with such fondness. "It was good and it was necessary. Being single and divorced I wondered if I was going to hate it when everybody came, but I didn't. I loved it just as much as when they were there before. . . . We made it work. We made it loving."

Stop the Back Talk

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Erin Jones and Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Lately, you’ve noticed that your teen has been talking back to you. It’s not a big deal, you think. It’s just a stage, and they’ll soon get over it. Right? At least that’s the hope of all parents who experience this problem. What do you do when your teen starts sassing you? Show patience and wait for the stage to pass? Or do you head it off immediately? Though talking back is part of growing up, disrespectful speech can quickly develop into a habit. Kids who start with talking back may come to think that speaking rudely to others is an acceptable way to get what they want.

Disrespectful speech damages relationships and causes contention at home, at school, and in the work place. Conversely, respectful speech denotes someone with a positive character who can leave a good impact on others. Teaching your child the correct way to communicate with others could affect their relationships in the future.

What qualifies as talking back? Sometimes it's hard to know which of your kid's speech to reprimand, and which to let slide. However, many teens aren't trying to be rude or hurtful when they start talking back. Back talk is part of adolescent development. "There is an actual reason for back talk," says Sarah Coyne, a Brigham Young University professor who studies adolescents and family life. "During adolescence, teens go through changes in thinking, and they are trying to develop their identities. They are trying to find out what they believe, and they are finding out that they can have an opinion different from their parents."

Make sure your child is aware when their speech crosses the line and moves from playful to offensive. Sarcasm is okay when it is done in good taste; it becomes hurtful when it is a personal attack. "Sarcasm is actually a way that teens work through their cognitive development," says Coyne. "It doesn't all have to be hurtful, and it's okay if they aren't trying to be mean." However, when the speech is meant to be rude towards a person or causes a negative reaction from the listener, then it is unacceptable.

Help make your child aware that many people are hurt by sarcastic comments, even if they don't show it. Tell your child to ask themselves before they speak, "How would I feel if someone said this about me?"

Back Talk Motives If your child has a tendency to talk back, it's important to examine their motive. Many kids are motivated by one or more of the following:

Stress: The teenage years are a time of anxiety - a time when kids are trying to figure out who they are and how they fit in the world. Kids who are stressed at school and in their social life often release their frustration through talking back. Be sensitive to your child and the precarious age they are experiencing. Try to talk through their problems with them so they have a positive outlet for communication.

Self-Defense: Sometimes kids retaliate with back talk because they don't know how else to defend themselves. Consider your own speech toward your children. Do you talk down to them? Do you say things that might offend them? If you set a negative example for them, they will respond the same way.

Power: Many kids struggle to find their place in the family and in their relationship with their parents. They want to prove to you, the parent, that they are an equal. If it's a war of words your child wants, don't get caught up in the battle.

Attention: Talking back may be a cry for attention or a sign that your child is struggling. Maybe you are not giving him or her enough time, and this is the only way he or she knows how to get your attention. Make sure you’re giving your children the attention they need. If you talk with them regularly and show that you value their opinion, they may not feel the desire to talk back.

What to Do: Even if you know why your child talks back, the back talk will still be frustrating. Here are some ideas of how to stop the sass:

Be clear. Let your child know when he or she crosses the line. Coyne suggests that when your teen gives you lip, say something like, "I value your opinion, and I respect what you are saying, but you need to find a way to express yourself without being rude."

Be calm. You can choose how you will respond to your child's talking back. You can choose to lose your temper and return the rudeness, but that won't help you or your child. "A lot of back talk happens when parents lose their cool," says Coyne. "The parents and the teen end up feeding off of each other." Instead, walk away and say you will be willing to talk when your child has calmed down.

Be caring. Show your child that you care. If your kid is particularly rude one day, he or she may have had a bad day at school. Pick a time when your child is calm and ask about his or her day and what you can do to help. Get your children talking; they may simply want attention for their problems but don't know how to ask for it.

Before deciding what consequences you are going to give for back talk, consider how often, how much, and how severe the back talk is. "Parents should pick their battles very carefully," says Coyne. "I wouldn't make a huge deal of it every time it happens. That's just going to make it worse."

"If [the back talk] is a prolonged, horrible thing, then I think something needs to be done," Coyne continues. She suggests the parents take a step back and look at the relationship as a whole, and try to figure out where the real root of the problem is. "Maybe [the parent] is doing something to make it worse," continues Coyne. "If it's a really severe problem and the relationship is deteriorating, I would suggest counseling." Remember, don't take personal offense from your child's remarks. A lot of what he or she says is stemmed from anger, frustration, stress, or simply testing boundaries. Use this stage in your teen's life to your advantage by teaching them how to control their emotions through speech.

Set a calm example in teaching your children about acceptable speech, and they will learn how to deal with communication and relationship building. This will help them in the future as they work out problems through communication rather than anger.

Build a positive relationship with your children so they get the attention they need and are able to calmly discuss their problems with you. Soon you will be able to have yakety yak without the talking back!

Young Men Lesson 22: Patriarchal Leadership in the Home

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jeffrey R. Holland
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. When Adam and Eve willingly stepped into mortality, they knew this telestial world would contain thorns and thistles and troubles of every kind. Perhaps their most challenging realization, however, was not the hardship and danger they would endure but the fact that they would now be distanced from God, separated from Him with whom they had walked and talked, who had given them face-to-face counsel. After this conscious choice, as the record of creation says, "they saw him not; for they were shut out from his presence."1 Amidst all else that must have troubled them, surely this must have troubled them the most.

But God knew the challenges they would face, and He certainly knew how lonely and troubled they would sometimes feel. So He watched over His mortal family constantly, heard their prayers always, and sent prophets (and later apostles) to teach, counsel, and guide them. But in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near. Indeed, shortly after Adam and Eve found themselves in the lone and dreary world, an angel appeared unto them,2 who taught them the meaning of their sacrifice and the atoning role of the promised Redeemer who was to come.

When the time for this Savior's advent was at hand, an angel was sent to announce to Mary that she was to be the mother of the Son of God.3 Then a host of angels was commissioned to sing on the night the baby Jesus was born.4 Shortly thereafter an angel would announce to Joseph that the newborn baby was in danger and that this little family must flee to Egypt for safety.5 When it was safe to return, an angel conveyed that information to the family and the three returned to the land of their heritage.6

From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children. Time in this setting does not allow even a cursory examination of the scriptures or our own latter-day history, which are so filled with accounts of angels ministering to those on earth, but it is rich doctrine and rich history indeed.

Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near. Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times. When in Lehi's dream he found himself in a frightening place, "a dark and dreary waste," as he described it, he was met by an angel, "a man . . . dressed in a white robe; . . . he spake unto me," Lehi said, "and bade me follow him."7 Lehi did follow him to safety and ultimately to the path of salvation.

In the course of life all of us spend time in "dark and dreary" places, wildernesses, circumstances of sorrow or fear or discouragement. Our present day is filled with global distress over financial crises, energy problems, terrorist attacks, and natural calamities. These translate into individual and family concerns not only about homes in which to live and food available to eat but also about the ultimate safety and well-being of our children and the latter-day prophecies about our planet. More serious than these - and sometimes related to them - are matters of ethical, moral, and spiritual decay seen in populations large and small, at home and abroad. But I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help Adam and Eve, to help the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself. Matthew records in his gospel that after Satan had tempted Christ in the wilderness "angels came and ministered unto him."8 Even the Son of God, a God Himself, had need for heavenly comfort during His sojourn in mortality. And so such ministrations will be to the righteous until the end of time. As Mormon said to his son Moroni, who would one day be an angel:

"Has the day of miracles ceased?

"Or have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he withheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved?

"Behold I say unto you, Nay; for . . . it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men. . . .

"For behold, they are subject unto [Christ], to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness."9

I ask everyone within the sound of my voice to take heart, be filled with faith, and remember the Lord has said He "would fight [our] battles, [our] children's battles, and [the battles of our] children's children."10 And what do we do to merit such a defense? We are to "search diligently, pray always, and be believing[. Then] all things shall work together for [our] good, if [we] walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted."11 The latter days are not a time to fear and tremble. They are a time to be believing and remember our covenants.

I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with - here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind. Elder James Dunn, from this pulpit just moments ago, used that word in his invocation to describe this Primary choir - and why not? With the spirit, faces, and voices of those children in our mind and before our eyes, may I share with you an account by my friend and BYU colleague, the late Clyn D. Barrus. I do so with the permission of his wife, Marilyn, and their family.

Referring to his childhood on a large Idaho farm, Brother Barrus spoke of his nightly assignment to round up the cows at milking time. Because the cows pastured in a field bordered by the occasionally treacherous Teton River, the strict rule in the Barrus household was that during the spring flood season the children were never to go after any cows who ventured across the river. They were always to return home and seek mature help.

One Saturday just after his seventh birthday, Brother Barrus's parents promised the family a night at the movies if the chores were done on time. But when young Clyn arrived at the pasture, the cows he sought had crossed the river, even though it was running at high flood stage. Knowing his rare night at the movies was in jeopardy, he decided to go after the cows himself, even though he had been warned many times never to do so.

As the seven-year-old urged his old horse, Banner, down into the cold, swift stream, the horse's head barely cleared the water. An adult sitting on the horse would have been safe, but at Brother Barrus's tender age, the current completely covered him except when the horse lunged forward several times, bringing Clyn's head above water just enough to gasp for air.

Here I turn to Brother Barrus's own words:

"When Banner finally climbed the other bank, I realized that my life had been in grave danger and that I had done a terrible thing - I had knowingly disobeyed my father. I felt that I could redeem myself only by bringing the cows home safely. Maybe then my father would forgive me. But it was already dusk, and I didn't know for sure where I was. Despair overwhelmed me. I was wet and cold, lost and afraid.

"I climbed down from old Banner, fell to the ground by his feet, and began to cry. Between thick sobs, I tried to offer a prayer, repeating over and over to my Father in Heaven, 'I'm sorry. Forgive me! I'm sorry. Forgive me!'

"I prayed for a long time. When I finally looked up, I saw through my tears a figure dressed in white walking toward me. In the dark, I felt certain it must be an angel sent in answer to my prayers. I did not move or make a sound as the figure approached, so overwhelmed was I by what I saw. Would the Lord really send an angel to me, who had been so disobedient?

"Then a familiar voice said, 'Son, I've been looking for you.' In the darkness I recognized the voice of my father and ran to his outstretched arms. He held me tightly, then said gently, 'I was worried. I'm glad I found you.'

"I tried to tell him how sorry I was, but only disjointed words came out of my trembling lips - 'Thank you . . . darkness . . . afraid . . . river . . . alone.' Later that night I learned that when I had not returned from the pasture, my father had come looking for me. When neither I nor the cows were to be found, he knew I had crossed the river and was in danger. Because it was dark and time was of the essence, he removed his clothes down to his long white thermal underwear, tied his shoes around his neck, and swam a treacherous river to rescue a wayward son."12

My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. "[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved."13 On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.

May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord's promise as contained in one of President Monson's favorite scriptures: "I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, . . . my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."14 In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves - with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and "the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted."15 Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God when someone, perhaps a Primary child, is crying, "Darkness . . . afraid . . . river . . . alone." To this end I pray in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Notes 1. Moses 5:4.

2. See Moses 5:6-8.

3. See Luke 1:26-38.

4. See Luke 2:8-14.

5. See Matthew 2:13-15.

6. See Matthew 2:19-23.

7. 1 Nephi 8:7, 5-6.

8. Matthew 4:11.

9. Moroni 7:35-37, 30.

10. D&C 98:37; emphasis added.

11. D&C 90:24.

12. See Clyn D. Barrus, "Coming Home," Liahona, Nov. 1995, F5-F7; Friend, Apr. 1995, 2-4.

13. Moroni 7:36.

14. D&C 84:88.

15. D&C 90:24.

Young Women Lesson 12: Fathers' Blessings

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Dallin H. Oaks
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Do not be hesitant to ask for a priesthood blessing when you are in need of spiritual power. In the spring of 1866, during what is called the Black Hawk War, our pioneers were struggling to beat back deadly Indian attacks on many settlements in southern Utah. Two of President Heber C. Kimball's sons were called into military service for a three-month expedition against the Indians. Before they left he gave them a priesthood blessing. Apparently concerned that his sons might shed the blood of their Lamanite brothers, he first counseled them about the great promises God has made to this branch of the house of Israel. He then blessed his sons and promised them they would not see a single Indian on their campaign. His sons, full of fight and eager to smell gunpowder, were disappointed at this promise, but the blessing was fulfilled. When they returned three months later, they reported:

"We . . . rode hundreds of miles, following the tracks of different bands of hostile Indians, and were close upon them a great many times. They were attacking settlements all around us, killing the settlers and driving off stock." But the company did not see a single Indian. (Orson F. Whitney, Life of Heber C. Kimball, an Apostle, 2d ed., Salt Lake City: Stevens and Wallis, 1945, p. 429).

In a priesthood blessing a servant of the Lord exercises the priesthood, as moved upon by the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of the person being blessed. Such blessings are conferred by holders of the Melchizedek Priesthood, which has the keys of all the spiritual blessings of the Church (see D&C 107:18, 67).

There are many kinds of priesthood blessings. As I give various examples, please remember that priesthood blessings are available for all who need them, but they are only given on request.

Blessings for the healing of the sick are preceded by anointing with oil, as the scriptures direct (see James 5:14-15; Mark 6:13; D&C 24:13-14; D&C 42:43-48; D&C 66:9). Patriarchal blessings are conferred by an ordained patriarch.

Persons desiring guidance in an important decision can receive a priesthood blessing. Persons who need extra spiritual power to overcome a personal challenge can receive a blessing. Expectant mothers can be blessed before they give birth. Many LDS families remember a sacred occasion where a worthy father gave a priesthood blessing to a son or daughter who was about to be married. Priesthood blessings are often requested from fathers before children leave home for other purposes, such as school, service in the military, or a long trip.

Newly called missionaries often request a father's blessing before they depart. I have a friend who is blind. He remembers how his father blessed him that despite his physical disability he would be able to complete the mission, be successful in his calling, and develop a great love for the people. I am a witness to the fulfillment of that blessing in the life of a wonderful Latter-day Saint.

Blessings given in circumstances such as I have just described are sometimes called blessings of comfort or counsel. They are usually given by fathers or husbands or other elders in the family. They can be recorded and kept in family records for the personal spiritual guidance of the persons blessed.

Over ten years ago a teenage boy requested a blessing from President Ezra Taft Benson. Even though the boy's father was not an active elder, President Benson asked, "How would you like to talk to him at an opportune time and ask him if he would be willing to give you a father's blessing?" Though doubtful, the young man agreed to try. He later reported:

"Brother Benson, that's the sweetest thing that has happened in our family. . . . He gave me one of the most beautiful blessings you could ever ask for. . . . When he got through there was a bond of appreciation and gratitude and love between us that we have never had in our home" (Ensign, Nov. 1977, p. 32).

Priesthood blessings are also given in connection with a priesthood ordination or with the setting apart of a man or woman for a calling in the Church. These are probably the most frequent occasions for priesthood blessings.

Many of us have requested a priesthood blessing when we were about to embark upon a new responsibility in our employment. I received such a blessing many years ago and felt its immediate comfort and long-term guidance.

In setting Dr. Russell M. Nelson apart as a stake president, a General Authority blessed him with power to meet the extremely demanding time requirements of his profession as a heart surgeon. Elder Nelson has described how that blessing was fulfilled by significant reductions in the risk of certain heart operations and in the time required for postoperative care. Eight years later, the man who had blessed him became his patient. Elder Spencer W. Kimball was scheduled for a complex heart operation. Presidents Harold B. Lee and N. Eldon Tanner blessed Dr. Nelson "that the operation would be performed without error, that all would go well, and that [he] need not fear for [his] own inadequacies, for [he] had been raised up by the Lord to perform this operation" (Ensign, May 1984, p. 88). That blessing was realized. A little over a year later, his fully recovered and vigorous patient became President of the Church and gave leadership through events and growth that will never be forgotten.

What is the significance of a priesthood blessing? Think of a young man preparing to leave home to seek his fortune in the world. If his father gave him a compass, he might use this worldly tool to help him find his way. If his father gave him money, he could use this to give him power over worldly things. A priesthood blessing is a conferral of power over spiritual things. Though it cannot be touched or weighed, it is of great significance in helping us overcome obstacles on the path to eternal life.

Remember how the Savior intervened to assure that the little children could come unto him. And then "he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them" (Mark 10:16). When the risen Lord visited the people on this continent, "he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them" (3 Ne. 17:21).

It is a very sacred responsibility for a Melchizedek Priesthood holder to speak for the Lord in giving a priesthood blessing. As the Lord has told us in modern revelation, "My word . . . shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same" (D&C 1:38). If a servant of the Lord speaks as he is moved upon by the Holy Ghost, his words are "the will of the Lord, . . . the mind of the Lord, . . . the word of the Lord, . . . [and] the voice of the Lord" (D&C 68:4).

But if the words of a blessing only represent the priesthood holder's own desires and opinions, uninspired by the Holy Ghost, then the blessing is conditioned on whether it represents the will of the Lord.

Worthy Melchizedek Priesthood holders can give blessings to their posterity. The scriptures record many such blessings, including Adam's (see D&C 107:53-57), Isaac's (see Gen. 27:28-29, 39-40; Gen. 28:3-4; Heb. 11:20), Jacob's (see Gen. 48:9-22; Gen. 49; Heb. 11:21), and Lehi's (see 2 Ne. 1:28-32; 2 Ne. 4).

When Joseph Smith, Sr., was dying, his children gathered to receive his final blessing. After first blessing his wife, Father Smith began with Hyrum, his eldest, and gave each child what he called a "dying blessing" (see Lucy Mack Smith, History of Joseph Smith, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1956, pp. 308-13; Pearson H. Corbett, Hyrum Smith, Patriarch, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1963, pp. 240-41).

In modern revelation, parents who are members of the Church are commanded to bring their children "before the church," where the elders "are to lay their hands upon them in the name of Jesus Christ, and bless them in his name" (D&C 20:70). This is why parents bring babies to a sacrament meeting, where an elder--usually the father--gives them a name and a blessing.

If any of the young men in this priesthood meeting has thought he has never received a priesthood blessing, I hope he has now realized that he has already received at least two and perhaps more.

Priesthood blessings are not limited to those blessings spoken as hands are laid on the head of one person. Blessings are sometimes pronounced on groups of people. The prophet Moses blessed all the children of Israel before his death (see Deut. 33:1). The Prophet Joseph Smith "pronounced a blessing upon the sisters" working on the Kirtland Temple. He also blessed "the congregation" (History of the Church, 2:399). As recently as last April conference President Benson blessed the Latter-day Saints and "good people everywhere . . . with increased power to do good and to resist evil," and "with increased understanding of the Book of Mormon" (Ensign, May 1986, p. 78).

Priesthood blessings are also pronounced on places. Nations are blessed and dedicated for the preaching of the gospel. Temples and houses of worship are dedicated to the Lord by a priesthood blessing. Other buildings may be dedicated when they are used in the service of the Lord. "Church members may dedicate their homes, . . . as sacred edifices where the Holy Spirit can reside" (General Handbook of Instructions, p. 11-5). Missionaries and other priesthood holders can leave a priesthood blessing upon homes where they have been received (see D&C 75:19; Alma 10:7-11). Young men, within a short time you may be asked to give such a blessing. I hope you are preparing yourselves spiritually.

In the time that remains, I will mention some other examples of priesthood blessings.

About a hundred years ago, Sarah Young Vance qualified as a midwife. Before she began serving the women of Arizona, a priesthood leader blessed her that she would "always do only what was right and what was best for the welfare of her patients." Over a period of forty-five years Sarah delivered approximately fifteen hundred babies without the loss of a single mother or child. "Whenever I came up against a difficult problem," she recalled, "something always seemed to inspire me and somehow I would know what was the right thing to do" (L. J. Arrington and S. A. Madsen, Sunbonnet Sisters: True Stories of Mormon Women and Frontier Life, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1984, p. 105).

In 1864, Joseph A. Young was called on a special mission to transact Church business in the East. His father, President Brigham Young, blessed him to go and return in safety. As he was returning, he was involved in a severe train wreck. "The whole train was smashed," he reported, "including the car I was in to within one seat of where I sat, [but] I escaped without a scratch" (Letters of Brigham Young to His Sons, ed. Dean C. Jessee, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1974, p. 4).

As a boy, I was inspired by a story of courage in Nauvoo, which involved my grandfather's uncle. In the spring of 1844, some men were plotting against the Prophet Joseph Smith. One of the leaders, William Law, held a secret meeting at his home in Nauvoo. Among those invited were nineteen-year-old Dennison Lott Harris and his friend, Robert Scott. Dennison's father, Emer Harris, who is my second great-grandfather, was also invited. He sought counsel from the Prophet Joseph Smith, who told him not to attend the meeting but to have the young men attend. The Prophet instructed them to pay close attention and report what was said.

The spokesmen at this first meeting denounced Joseph Smith as a fallen prophet and stated their determination to destroy him. When the Prophet heard this, he asked the young men to attend the second meeting. They did so, and reported the plotting.

A third meeting was to be held a week later. Again the Prophet asked them to attend, but he told them this would be their last meeting. "Be careful to remain silent and not to make any covenants or promises with them," he counseled. He also cautioned them on the great danger of their mission. Although he thought it unlikely, it was possible they would be killed. Then, the Prophet Joseph Smith blessed Dennison and Robert by the power of the priesthood, promising them that if their lives were taken, their reward would be great.

In the strength of this priesthood blessing, they attended the third meeting and listened to the murderous plans. Then, when each person was required to take an oath to join the plot and keep it secret, they bravely refused. After everyone else had sworn secrecy, the whole group turned on Dennison and Robert, threatening to kill them unless they took the oath also. Because any refusal threatened the secrecy of their plans, about half of the plotters proposed to kill these two immediately. Knives were drawn, and angry men began to force them down into a basement to kill them.

Other plotters shouted to wait. Parents probably knew where they were. If they didn't return, an alarm would be sounded and a search could reveal the boys' deaths and the secret plans. During a long argument, two lives hung in the balance. Finally, the group decided to threaten to kill the young men if they ever revealed anything that had occurred and then to release them. This was done. Despite this threat, and because they had followed the Prophet's counsel not to make any promises to the conspirators, Dennison and Robert promptly reported everything to the Prophet Joseph Smith.

For their own protection, the Prophet had these courageous young men promise him that they would never reveal this experience, not even to their fathers, for at least twenty years. A few months later, the Prophet Joseph Smith was murdered.

Many years passed. The members of the Church settled in the West. While Dennison L. Harris was serving as bishop of the Monroe Ward in southern Utah, he met a member of the First Presidency at a Church meeting in Ephraim. There, on Sunday, 15 May 1881, thirty-seven years after the Prophet Joseph Smith had sealed his lips to protect him against mob vengeance, Dennison Harris recited this experience to President Joseph F. Smith (see Verbal Statement of Bishop Dennison L. Harris, 15 May 1881, MS 2725, Historical Department, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City; the account was later published in the Contributor, Apr. 1884, pp. 251–60). Dennison Harris's posterity includes many notable Latter-day Saints, including Franklin S. Harris, long-time president of Brigham Young University.

As I speak of priesthood blessings, I have a flood of memories: I remember my sons and daughters asking for blessings to help them through the most stressful experiences of their lives. I rejoice as I recall inspired promises and the strengthened faith that came when they were fulfilled. I feel pride in the faith of a new generation when I think of a son, apprehensive about a professional examination and unable to reach his faraway father, seeking a priesthood blessing from the most accessible priesthood holder in his family, the husband of his sister. I remember a confused young convert to the Church seeking a blessing to help him change the self-destructive pattern of his life. He received a blessing so unusual I was astonished when I heard the words I spoke.

Brethren, young and old, do not be hesitant to ask for a priesthood blessing when you are in need of spiritual power. Fathers and other elders, cherish and magnify the privilege of blessing your children and the other children of our Heavenly Father. Be prepared to give priesthood blessings under the influence of the Holy Ghost whenever you are requested in sincerity and faith.

This is the true church of our Savior. I testify of the saving mission of Jesus Christ. We are bearers of his priesthood. God bless us to exercise that priesthood under his direction, for the blessing of his children. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Journey for a Lifetime

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Kate Ensign-Lewis
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Through a chain of events filled with sorrow and joy, Jeremy and Hollie Wardle found the children who were to join their family. And in their journey to rescue one daughter from the after-effects of Haiti's magnitude 7.0 earthquake, they discovered an even greater bond. Jeremy and Hollie Wardle had already started their family journey with two beautiful boys when it took an unexpected detour. For the second time, they lost a son after premature birth. Inconsolable, they wondered what the future held.

But on their way home from the hospital after losing their son, they felt prompted to call their friends, the Kehls, who had also lost children and had chosen to adopt. In a discussion with the Kehls that evening, Hollie and Jeremy suddenly realized the Kehls were meant to help them find a little girl. Within minutes, Ed Kehl was phoning his aunt who ran an adoption agency. It turned out she had a newborn child in Philadelphia--a little girl--who was ready to be adopted.

Just seven days later, their daughter Brooklyn was safe inside their home.

Unexpected Joy Out of the tragedy of death, the Wardles were led to their first daughter. It would become a pattern for their family--each addition has led to the blessing of another. "Each one of our children has played a specific role," says Jeremy.

The adoption of one child led them to consider adopting more. So, four years later, after choice experiences, they were led to adopt two siblings, Robens and Nyah, from Haiti. They thought this adoption would add the last of their children to the family. But on their first visit to Robens and Nyah at the Crèche Enfant Jesus in Haiti, they saw another little girl, Gabrielle, who consumed their thoughts long after the visit. "I just knew she was supposed to be with us," says Hollie.

With odds stacked against them, the Wardles completed Gabbie's adoption one year after Robens and Nyah joined them. And on January 11, 2010, Gabbie was cleared to be with them in two weeks.

Something Bigger The next day, January 12, Haiti was hit with a catastrophic earthquake. It was two days before Gina Duncan, who runs the orphanage just miles from Port-au-Prince, confirmed the safety of Gabbie and everyone in the Crèche. But, she explained, they only had enough food to last two days. Gina asked the Wardles for help. And so this child had led them to an even larger "family." "We always felt like Gabbie was coming home," says Hollie. "But I just kept saying to [Jeremy], 'This is so much bigger than I think you or I can imagine.' Even though Gabbie is our priority, they're our priority, too."

It soon became obvious that the only way to get Gabbie and help the Crèche was for Jeremy to go down to Haiti himself. Bolstered by family and friends--who offered everything from SkyMiles to priesthood blessings--Jeremy departed for the Dominican Republic, planning to get over to neighboring Haiti and help the Crèche, but without any idea how.

Miraculously, everything would fall into place. When he arrived, Jeremy had little more than some food and a cell phone--his lifeline back to Hollie, who would periodically let him know about "angels" who stepped in to help them at just the right moments.

Jeremy would meet the people most instrumental in his trip's success within one day of arriving--twelve men who would get Jeremy and the aid to the Crèche. These men were with Utah Haiti Relief (UHR), an all-volunteer organization has funded the transport of thousands of pounds of aid throughout Haiti.

Jeremy, it turned out, was also able to help them. While other UHR volunteers were already serving elsewhere in Haiti, these twelve men had been directed to Jimaní without a specific idea of what to do. But after hearing about the orphanage and its dire need, these men told Jeremy that he had helped them find their mission: to get aid to the orphans in the Crèche and, afterward, work with Jeremy to find more orphans they could help.

So it was on Monday, January 18, that aid finally made it to the Crèche. As Jeremy and the other men helicoptered over the orphanage, "the aunties that had taken care of the children came running out, their hands were in the air, and they were jumping and clapping," remembers Jeremy. They had made it in the nick of time--sadly, one baby had already died.

Once on the ground, Jeremy found Gabbie and said, "I'm not going to leave without you this time. I promise." But even after helping to attain aid and getting to his little girl, Jeremy felt something larger was yet to be done.

Evacuation For three days Jeremy and some of the volunteers stayed at the orphanage, accepting new loads of aid each day, until Thursday morning when Gina returned from a seventy-two-hour stint at the U.S. embassy--eighteen visas in hand for some of her orphans to get to their adoptive families. She then asked Jeremy if he could arrange for the orphans to fly out with him. He turned to C.J. Wade, one of the UHR volunteers making it all possible, who replied with a smile, "Heck yeah!"

So, in the Wardle's Utah home, Hollie implemented a country-wide phone tree--asking contacts in Chicago, Arizona, and Miami to help arrange for a jet to take the group from Port-au-Prince to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Within hours, they miraculously had the money and the plane. "Things facilitated themselves," says Hollie, who is amazed at how everything came together. "When you're prompted, you act, and great things happen because of it."

Back in Haiti, Jeremy witnessed some tender moments before departure. The orphanage caretakers--the aunties--took their last moments with the children to lovingly dress them in their best clothes and prepare them to meet their new families. Finally, it was time to go. "We were lifting off and I looked at Gabbie--she just had tears streaming down her face and she was blowing kisses to those aunties who had taken care of her since she was two-and-a-half years old. It was so precious. So happy, but so bittersweet." In the end, Jeremy was able to bring Gabbie home on Brooklyn's birthday--six years after their original detour started.

With Gabbie safely at home, the Wardles feel they've come to the end of their journey to find their children. But it isn't the end of their journey to find and help others. The Wardles will continue to serve earthquake victims through UHR. "We're not done in Haiti," says Hollie.

"It's not just about the struggle of getting Gabbie," says Jeremy. "In all that experience, it's just neat how none of us had an objective--it was great teamwork. Just how many families were completed from this. It all starts with a seed. Me going in to get Gabbie was the seed that was planted to get it all going."

The entire experience is a reminder of the phrase inscribed on the only possession Gabbie was able to take from the orphanage--a picture frame holding a photo of Jeremy, Gabbie, and Hollie. A frame the Wardles gave her long before their recent life-changing experiences, which says, "With God all things are possible."

Want to help? Visit UHR's website, utahhaitirelief.org, where you can help the organization reach places outside Port-au-Prince's main humanitarian efforts.

What Teachers Wish You Knew

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: School doesn’t end with the bell. You, as a parent, want to be able to give your child the best education possible and as much help as he or she needs—but where do you start? And where do you draw the line? Even though your child may complain when sent off to school, don't underestimate the importance that he or she places on his school success. Achievement in school can have an amazing impact on your child's self-esteem.

Because teachers are professionally trained to help children learn, we've polled a few educators to get their opinion on how you can best help your child's education.

Communicate. Teachers want to resolve concerns as soon as possible, and are willing to talk to parents about the specific needs of their children. Marcie Gallacher, a former second grade teacher from Wilton, California, says that it is important to "keep lines of communication open. Talk to teachers about questions first, rather than other parents."

Start your relationship with your child's teacher right away. Attend back-to-school nights and open houses so that the teacher knows you are excited about your child's education, and tell the teacher specifically that you want to work together to make this year one of your child's best. Your children will have a much better school experience if you are working with their teachers, not against them.

Read to your children. Because of the effect reading has on all subjects (yes, reading helps with math, too!), teaching your child to read and continuing to read with him or her is an influential part in preparing your child for school. Hearing books read aloud affects students' independent reading and oral reading, says Gallacher.

Mike Cline, a teacher in Murray, Utah, agrees. "The reason many children act out is because either they can't read or they are not confident at reading, so they don't want to be called on."

Aside from reading to them, encourage your children to read on their own. Encourage your children to choose reading activities (rather than resort to them) by taking a trip to the library once a week. Let them leave their books out in the family room; they might see them and choose to read instead of watch television.

Talk to your kids about school. Mike Cline's wife, Laurie, teaches junior high in Taylorsville, Utah. She says, "One of the biggest things parents can do for us as teachers is to talk to their kids about school." Asking how their classes are going, what they are learning about, and if they need help studying for tests is extremely important, Laurie says. If children sense that education is important to you, it will be important to them, too.

Make an effort to spend more time with your children and talk to them about important things in their lives. If they express a concern to you about a school assignment, do your best to help them with it. Show them where to research the topic, but do not do your child's work for them. Teachers are well aware when parents have been doing their kids' homework, and they don't like it.

Be accepting. "I wish that parents would celebrate their children for their accomplishments as well as work with them on their deficiencies," says Annalisa Arizpe, a high school teacher from Clermont, Florida. "Be happy and show joy when your child improves. Accept their personal best.

"Accepting their personal best, however, doesn't mean that you can't help your child improve," Arizpe continues. "I wish that [parents] would look at the papers that their children bring home and really question their answers." Questions like, "Why did you believe that was the correct answer?" and "What could you have done differently?" are the types of questions that encourage, not discourage.

Get involved. "I am blessed to have several parents who volunteer on a regular basis," says Gretchen Kemp, another high school teacher in Clermont, Florida. "It just so happens that more times than not, these are the students who are straight-A students, those who put in the most effort, and go on to be great community volunteers, as well."

Being involved doesn't need to take lots of time from your already-packed schedule. It is understandable that a parent would be too busy to be the head of the PTA, but even bringing a snack in for a special day or chaperoning a short field trip is a big help to teachers.

But remember not to get too involved. Sometimes parents end up holding back their children when they are trying desperately to help. "I had one parent that every couple of weeks would pick up her eighteen-year-old daughter's missing assignments," says Arizpe. "She would return her child's work a couple of days later. This parent would also call me with questions that the girl had. It was too much, and in my opinion, this girl will never learn the importance of responsibility."

Take advantage of technology. We live in a time when almost anything can be found online, including your child's grades. "Most schools have grades available online; if that is the case, parents should check them often to see for themselves how their child is doing," says Laurie Cline. If you don't keep up with your child's schoolwork, you might be surprised and overreact when a child brings home a not-so-desirable grade. "Be aware of your child's grades. Do not wait until progress reports and report cards to show concern," says Arizpe.

With some help and prompting on your part, your child can learn to make the most of his or her education - and eventually become a steward over it. And if you remember to always support your children, take advantage of resources, and remind them to step up to responsibility, then you're sure to produce lifelong learners.

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