Mormon Life - Divorce tag

Blending Families

Tue, 08 May 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In the Church there is a lot of focus on what is seen as the ideal family, but many people live in different circumstances than this stereotypical family.

When we talk about families, we frequently think of a certain ideal; a family where both parents are there, the kids are all little angels, and life at home is like living in a musical titled When There’s Love at Home. There is certainly merit in striving for a close-knit, loving home. However, real-life family for many people is vastly different from the ideal.

One in three people live in blended families. Though I am not a fan of labeling blended families, the term can highlight the unique challenge of fi nding tolerable ways to blend the lives, experiences, expectations, and dreams of all involved. I have seen some blended families that have been the family that many involved always wanted. I have seen others that are full of friction and trials. Finding ways to bring the worlds of multiple families and family members together is a trial few will appreciate if they have not lived it. However, the outcome can be very positive and rewarding if navigated well.

If you are part of a blended family, does it feel like oil and water? How do you blend? I have combined my experience assisting blended families and the work of nationally acclaimed blended family expert Dr. Patricia Papernow to highlight many of the common struggles and potential solutions that may help blended families come together.

Challenges children experience: Divorce and/or blending new families can be very difficult for children to navigate. Research has suggested that the biggest struggles children face are dealing with the loss of the family they once had or hoped to have and finding ways of maintaining loyalties in the new family setup. When parents divorce or a parent is lost to death, the children often maintain strong love for both parents. If a new step-parent and step-siblings are brought into the picture, children often feel guilty expressing love or feeling close to the step-parent or stepsiblings. They often feel this somehow betrays the love they have for the other parent or siblings. It is worse if the parents and/or step-parents don’t get along, and the children are aware of the friction. As a parent and/or step-parent, the best thing you can do is focus on getting along with all the adults involved. You don’t have to love each other, but try to help the kids feel that you all respect each other.

Challenges parents experience: The most common issue faced by parents and step-parents is finding middle ground when parenting styles differ. Parenting styles include a mix of firmness/permissiveness and kindness/hostility. If one parent is more permissive and kind while the other is more permissive and hostile, problems will result. Parents who use the same styles will likely find few problems meshing their styles. Try your best to align your styles and reach compromises. A brief aside: research has consistently shown that kind and firm parents will be the most effective.

The other parenting challenge that often surfaces is children responding differently to discipline from parents and step-parents. Research has shown that children generally respond better to discipline from their parents than their step-parents. The parents should be the ones to deal with tough discipline issues. Day-to-day issues should be dealt with by both parents and step-parents so the kids know all adults are to be respected. Make sure you are 100 percent consistent with each other on the day-to-day issues and avoid challenging each other in the presence of the children.

Challenges couples experience: When couples get married and create a new blended family, they are often a bit older than what we typically call newlyweds. They come into the new relationship with more experience, opinions, traditions, expectations, and established ways of living their lives. It is often difficult to align these realities and still feel love for one another. Couples should remember that if differences exist and you get your way, your spouse doesn’t get his or her way. Compromise is key. Focus on creating new ways of living that share both of your realities.

Blending families can be complicated. However, when blended families are created, they can be just what everyone involved wants and needs. If you focus on compromise and selflessness, your blended family can be wonderful.

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Dr. Jonathan Swinton, PhD, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Swinton Counseling in Utah. Visit swintoncounseling.com or call 801-647-9951 to learn more.

Dave Says: Boundaries . . .

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: My fiancé's adult daughter doesn't show responsibility. What do we do?

Dear Dave,

I’m getting married to a wonderful man, but his 19-year old daughter from a previous marriage is very irresponsible. She doesn’t want to make her own car payments and doesn’t want to work. Lots of days, she sleeps until noon and just lies around the house. He agrees that he’s been too lenient and that she needs to grow up, but doesn’t want to pull the rug out from under her. What do you think?

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

There are two problems here. One is financial in nature, and the other is a lack of boundaries. You’re walking face-first into both of them.

Marriage counselors will tell you if you can agree on four things – religion, money, children and in-laws – then you’ve got a good chance of having a successful marriage. You’ve got two of these yanking your chain right now - money and children - and they’re both wrapped up in one spoiled little girl. If you and dad really want to show her that you love her, you’ll make sure she starts learning some character and discipline.

I’d strongly suggest that you and your fiancé go through pre-marital counseling to make sure you’re on the same page when it comes to handling this and other issues. You might also want to read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, together. Then, the two of you will have some tools to sit down and create a reasonable timeline for her re-education. Her dad, not you, needs to present this to her and explain that he’s made some mistakes by not requiring her to grow up and learn self-sufficiency. Then, he can lay out the ground rules and a monthly timetable.

It wouldn’t be cruel to require her to get a job during the first month, along with getting out of bed by 8 a.m. every day. During the second month, you could also require her to do some work around the house to help out. During month three she could be required to pay rent. This way, you’re stepping up the expectations gradually to the fifth or sixth month, when she’s moving out and taking care of her own responsibilities.

It’s all about love, Kelly. But it’s also about boundaries and expectations that will prepare children to function in the real world.

—Dave

For more financial help please visit daveramsey.com.

How single adults can be happy again

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 10:54:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

Being single after 25 years of married life and raising nine children was not on my list of things to do. After my husband unexpectedly passed away my thought was: "Now what do I do?"

I knew I had to take care of the five children left at home, but what was the future plan for me? I knew I had to keep my standard of living up to par, but what was next? I knew I needed to keep my own personal life within the bounds of the Lord's commands and gospel principles, but I didn't know how I would accomplish this.

Dave Says: Single Again . . .

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I've recently been through a divorce, but I'm in good financial shape. Should I be investing? Dear Dave,

I got divorced recently, and have custody of our children who are 12 and 17. I’m lucky enough to be debt-free, and I own the house we’re living in, which is worth about $350,000. I also have $160,000 in savings, and we receive $1,200 in child support every month. People are all telling me I should be investing, but each one tells me to do a different kind of investing. What do you suggest?

Mary

Dear Mary,

I know going through a divorce has got to be hard on you and your kids. Make sure you spend lots of time hugging on them and letting them know they’re loved. Fortunately, things are still pretty good in your world in a financial sense. Your net worth is a half-million dollars, plus you have no debt. Most ladies don’t find themselves as lucky money-wise after a divorce.

Don’t do too much with the $160,000 right now. Just park $100,000 of it in a CD for a year until you get over the shock of everything that has happened. You won’t make much money, but you won’t lose anything, either. Then, take the remaining $60,000, and invest it in good growth stock mutual funds – ones that are very conservative and have at least a 10-year track record of success.

You’ve also got to take a look down the road and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. You’re going to be an empty-nester is a few years. Do you want to go back to school or maybe start your own business? You’ve got a little learning to do about investing, too. Taking a year or so will allow for education and thinking about what you want out of life. Knowledge has a way of erasing fear. Plus, you’ve got a responsibility to your kids to invest this money wisely.

When everything settles down a bit, just take your time, find a good investment professional with the heart of a teacher, and make sure you don’t put money into anything you don’t understand. Spend lots of time loving on your kids, too. That’ll help with the healing process as much as anything.

—Dave

For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.

{Single Saints} Surviving the Holidays after Divorce

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:05:00 -0700

by Jessica Carter
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: The holidays can be an especially difficult time for the recently divorced - what with all the family, traditions, and memories that will certainly be affected. How can you bring back some of the cheer? Earlier this week we ran an article on what to say (and not say) to the recently divorced. But the holidays can be an especially difficult time. If you’re facing the holidays for the first time as a divorced person, try the following tips to brighten the season.

Accept the invitations. Resist the urge to sit home in your pajamas feeling sorry for yourself. Take every opportunity to have fun and socialize. If the party invitations aren’t pouring in, plan your own get-together.

Recharge. Social gatherings are a great way to lift your spirits, but pampering yourself is also essential. Treat yourself to a massage or that new novel you’ve wanted to read. Do something that makes you happy, and don’t feel guilty for taking a little time for yourself.

Make goals. The holiday season is definitely not the time to dwell on the negative. But with the New Year fast approaching, meaningful reflection and sincere resolve to improve yourself in specific areas can give you hope for a happier life in 2012.

Create new traditions. Undoubtedly, the holidays will conjure memories of your ex spouse, and the traditions you loved can make the season more painful for you and your children. Take the time to plan different activities and create new, positive experiences for everyone.

Coordinate with your ex well in advance. If you have children, make sure you plan the holiday schedule early on so everyone knows what to count on. Where will the children spend Thanksgiving? Christmas Eve? Christmas Day? Are there any family gatherings planned? Working out the kinks as soon as possible will make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone involved. Be flexible. And above all, be civil.

Stay positive. I know, it’s definitely easier said than done, but it is possible. Surround yourself with upbeat people and avoid those friends and family members who love to commiserate and complain. A positive attitude is especially important if you have children—like it or not, your mood will set the tone for their holiday, too.

What (and What Not) to Say to the Recently Divorced

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 00:05:00 -0700

by Jessica Carter
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: For Church members who have recently experienced divorce, it feels like the ultimate failure—marriages, especially temple marriages, aren’t supposed to end if you are doing your best to do what’s right. Yet, here we are—hurt, confused, and shaken to the core. So, what should you say to someone who is recently divorced? Here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you navigate some emotional landmines while still offering your heartfelt support.

#1. Don’t say: nothing.
I get it—sometimes people don’t know what to say. But avoiding me or acting awkward around me doesn’t help. When I’m talking to someone, it’s pretty obvious if that person has heard the news and is trying to act like he or she doesn’t know—the lack of eye contact, the shifting from one foot to the other, the unusually intense interest in the day’s weather, etc. Go ahead and note the elephant in the
room.

Do say: “I’m sorry to hear about your divorce,” or some other simple, sincere expression of sympathy.
I know I’m divorced—it’s okay for you to acknowledge this life-changing event. In fact, I would prefer that you did. It doesn’t mean I want to dwell on it. It’s just a way for you to let me know you care. And if you follow with, “How are you holding up?” it goes a long way.

#2. Don’t say: “What happened?”
Divorces are excruciatingly painful and complicated. I don’t want to explain or defend my decision. Odds are there are details a divorced person wants to keep private—especially if children are involved. And odds are this is a decision he or she has agonized over for months or even years. Maybe it wasn’t even his or her choice, but the ex spouse’s. We can’t neatly summarize it for you, nor do we want to try.

Do say: “I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.”
This statement lets us know to whom we can turn if and when we do need to work through our feelings. If I take you up on your offer, you’ll probably end up with a lot of information and insights about the situation, so it’s critical that you keep everything confidential. Please don’t extend a listening ear if you know you won’t be able to resist the urge to share details with others.

#3. Don’t say: “I never thought you two were a good match anyway” or “I never knew what you saw in him/her.”
My whole world has just been turned upside down, and I’m already questioning my judgment on just about everything in my life. Obviously, at one point I loved this person deeply and thought this person was the best match for me. It doesn’t help to know that you never liked him or that you saw our divorce coming from a mile away.

Do say: “I hope you are both doing okay.”
Some divorced people may disagree with me here, but I don’t want people to feel the need to choose sides. The ex spouse is hurting too, and I appreciate it when people express concern. In fact, I encourage friends to reach out to the ex spouse—especially if that person is the one who moved out. He or she is living somewhere new and likely doesn’t have a support system in place. If you were a friend before the divorce, there is no reason you shouldn’t be one now.

#4. Don’t say: “At least you’re still sealed together.”
For two people who have decided they would be better off living separate lives, the notion of being sealed together for eternity is not particularly comforting. And even if we are still sealed, that may not remain the case, so such a comment could make things worse down the road. Better just not to go there at all. Period.

Do say: “You are a great person with a lot to offer.”
Our confidence is nonexistent at this point, so, yes, we could use a pep talk now and then. Be specific and talk about some of your favorite qualities about us. We could use the reminder, and some of the qualities you notice might surprise us and help give us hope for someday finding love again.

#5. Don’t say: “I wonder whose fault it was,” “I wonder who left whom,” or anything else along those lines.
I know it’s human nature to speculate, and I’m sure these conversations are being had between neighbors and friends, but please be careful about what you say—especially in front of your children. Just assume that anything you say will eventually be repeated to my children. And trust me, they don’t need to hear your theories on infidelity, pornography, finances, or anything else.

Do say: “I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for you and your family. Let me know how I can help.”
Please don’t judge us. Certainly mistakes were made by both parties, but you don’t have all the facts, no matter how much you think you know. Instead, give us the benefit of the doubt. Regardless of how we got to this point, we’re here, and we’re doing the best we can. If you do offer to help in some way, please make sure you follow through. Otherwise, it feels like you’ve thrown me a desperately needed lifeline and then yanked it away again. It’s much better for me not to plan on any help than to count on assistance that never materializes.

#6. Don’t say: “I heard your ex is dating someone who looks just like Cindy Crawford/Brad Pitt.”
As I mentioned earlier, our self-esteem is probably at an all-time low. We don’t need to know that the ex spouse is dating someone who is incredibly wealthy or looks like a supermodel. Nor do we need to hear that he or she is dating a different person every night of the week.

Do say: nothing.
Never repeat rumors about the ex spouse. And even if you’ve seen something with your own two eyes, keep it to yourself. No good can come of it.

#7. Don’t say: “I know a guy/girl who is divorced. I should set you up.”
You might as well say, “You have warts, I know a guy/girl who has warts, you’d be perfect together.” We already feel like damaged goods in the LDS singles market. Don’t make us feel worse by assuming that only another divorced person could possibly be interested in us. Absolutely, Mr. Divorced could be Mr. Right, but if divorce is the only thing we have in common, don’t bother. Please consider hobbies, personalities, goals, etc., and not just our marital status.

Do say: “When you’re ready to start dating, let me know. I have a great guy/girl in mind for you.”
The thought of diving back into the dating pool is terrifying. We are depending on our friends to introduce us to others we might click with—whether or not they have been married before.

#8. Don’t say: “I’m sure you just want to be left alone.”
Getting divorced feels like jumping off a cliff—and we need friends and family to be our safety net. Assuming we want to be left alone is almost a guarantee that we will fall even deeper down the rabbit hole. Check in on us from time to time and let us know you care. Even a quick e-mail or phone call
means a lot.

Do say: “Would you like to come?”
True, I have pulled away from friends and family and currently maintain a near-hermit lifestyle. I just need more time to heal. But please keep inviting me to join you, even if I keep turning you down. I feel like I don’t fit in—especially at church—so please continue to reach out and include me. I’ll accept your invitation when I’m ready.

Adultery, forgiveness and divorce

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 11:41:00 -0600

source: MormonTimes.com

Mormon Life says: Does forgiving adultery also mean staying in the marriage? A deep article on a heavy topic. What do you think? Many years ago, two of my friends stood at the altar and were married before God, friends and family. Like any newlyweds, they were madly in love and saw nothing but children, happiness and loyalty as far as their loving eyes could see.

It turns out their eyes couldn't see as far as they thought. During a recent discussion with my wife, the woman confided that her husband had an affair.

Our friend had long ago acknowledged struggles in the marriage. They were often apart for days at a time on business. When they were home together, the husband's temper was sometimes short, his language coarse and his mood swings unpredictable. But his wife never suspected infidelity.

Dave Says: Pre-nup . . . Yes or No?

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 00:03:00 -0600

by Dave Ramsey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How do you feel about pre-nuptial agreements? Dear Dave,

How do you feel about pre-nuptial agreements?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

When I first started financial counseling, I told people to never get a pre-nup under any circumstances. Basically, I felt the whole process was like planning your divorce in advance. I still feel that way to a degree, because if money is more important to you than the person you supposedly love, then you don’t really love them and you have no business getting married.

I’ve changed my stance a little bit, though, and now I feel a pre-nup may be in order under one condition: If there are substantial assets in one person’s name. By “substantial,” I mean $2 million or more. I’ve counseled several wealthy people, some of whom were heading into a second marriage. It’s not that wealthy folks are weird or necessarily greedy, but sometimes they attract weird and greedy people.

In these kinds of cases, I’m okay with a pre-nup. But I still think you should love somebody enough to be willing to take a bullet for them if you’re thinking about marrying them.

—Dave

* For more financial help, please visit daveramsey.com.