Mormon Life - Dating Mistakes tag

{Single Saints} Dating Mistakes Women Make

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:08:00 -0700

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We guys are by no means perfect when it comes to dating, but that doesn't mean we're the only ones making mistakes. Here are some pitfalls you can avoid, ladies, to make life easier for all parties involved.

Dating is a dance in which neither partner knows the steps. There we go, one partner trying to do the tango while the other struggles through a waltz. Sometimes, the dance ends and both partners decide this awkward hoedown is something they want to figure out together for the rest of their lives. Most of the time, however, the dance ends with one or both of them clutching figurative sprained ankles.

Both sides should be willing to cut the other a little slack. But there are a few things girls can do--or, more specifically, not do--to prevent any awkward toe-stepping during the courtship dance. (To check out a list of mistakes guys should avoid, click here.)

1. Being too quiet.

I’ll agree that maintaining the balance so both parties enjoy fulfilling contributions to the conversation can be difficult, and both sides make mistakes in this regard. I’ve heard girls complain when a guy talks about himself for the span of the date, but we have no choice when the girl reverts to such shyness that she is almost indistinguishable from a remarkably pretty potted plant that has learned to occasionally nod and say, “Hmm.” We’ll do our best, and you do your best. That’s all we both can expect.

2. Giving too much attention to others.

If we’re with other people, it’s perfectly acceptable to talk to them too, but please don’t neglect us in favor of your friends or the other guys. (Especially the other guys.) If your friends happen to be present, you should still make sure you give your date the time he deserves.

3. Giving mixed signals.

Sometimes girls act like they're interested and we think things are going along great--until we try to make a move and get rejected. Reciprocating our attempts at physical affection is by no means mandatory, and we should not feel like we’re entitled to some level of such affection. But let us hold your hand or kiss you if the timing’s right, we both want it, and it's within the boundaries of chaste behavior. A little shyness is natural, but unwarranted fickleness will simply send us back home scratching our heads at the perpetual mystery of femininity.

4. Expecting us to read your mind.

Let’s say I tell you we’re going to a Mexican restaurant and you secretly hate Mexican food. Please tell me you think it’s a bad idea. Otherwise you’re going to have to suffer through chalupas all evening, and I’m going to have to suffer through you suffering though chalupas without knowing what’s going on. Whether you do or don't want to do something, please, let us know.

5. Holding unrealistic expectations.

Girls, we love you, but we just don’t understand you. You’re like a mystical temple unearthed in the Amazon, hoarding fabled treasure inside but guarded by deadly traps. We’re trying to learn more about you and not get eaten by giant tarantulas or crushed by rolling boulders in the process. Please excuse us for making mistakes in our attempts to court you.

Let’s all try to be more understanding. We guys can be a little stupid, but we’re not the only guilty parties when dating goes south. Maybe, if the above suggestions are taken into account, we can both avoid sprained ankles as we continue through this crazy dance we call dating.

Your turn: Is this list complete? Accurate? What are some other mistakes women make in dating?

Ryan Kunz is proud of the fact that he is a Star Wars nerd and remains socially adept and reasonably conscious of fashion. He enjoys writing, hiking, spending time in intellectually stimulating company, and talking about himself in the third person. He will someday be a bestselling novelist but in the meantime is studying advertising at BYU.

{Single Saints} Dating Mistakes Guys Make

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:05:00 -0600

by Jessica Carter
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We all make mistakes. And I know men aren't mind readers. But in the hopes of helping some of the men out there avoid problems, these are some dating mistakes most women find annoying. I get it—men aren’t mind readers. And what works with one woman might not work for another. Even so, there are some common dating mistakes that the majority of women find annoying or downright unnerving. So, guys, check out the following list to prevent some major dating disasters when the next great girl comes along. (For our list of mistakes women make, click here.)

1. Lack of planning

There is nothing I hate more than when a guy asks me out, shows up at the door, and says, “So, what do you want to do?” I don’t like being put on the spot. If you asked me out, you should have a plan. I understand wanting to do something your date would enjoy, so if that is your concern, ask her to choose between two restaurants or two museums or two other activities. And please, please don’t resort to dinner and a movie unless we have been out several times. How are we supposed to get to know each other if we spend hours staring at a screen in a dark theater where we are not allowed to talk?

Also, make sure you have your ducks in a row. Be on time. Make reservations. Shower. Have gas in the tank. Clean out the car. (It’s not impressive when all I can smell are your sweaty gym socks in the backseat or I’m up to my ankles in Taco Bell wrappers.) If you don’t have the basics under control, it makes me think that in general you don’t have your act together, or at the very least, you aren’t interested enough in me to put some thought into how to make the evening as pleasant as possible.

2. Monologuing

Okay, guys, I know one of your major complaints is that women don’t talk enough on dates. I’m the first to admit that I’m not exactly a chatterbox, but when you talk at me instead of to me, I don’t know how to respond—not that I even have the chance. If your date seems a little quiet, quickly evaluate the situation. Are you talking on and on about yourself without so much as a five-second pause? If you are, she probably doesn’t want to be rude and interrupt your monologue. And why would she bother when it seems like you are more interested in reliving your high school glory days than in getting to know more about her? Are you asking her any questions about herself? Be sure that you are. Hint: If you’re worried about one-word responses, ask open-ended questions like, “What are some things on your bucket list?”

3. Not listening

Speaking of speaking, if I don’t think you’re listening to me, then I’m going to clam up in a big hurry, so be sure to ask plenty of questions to expound on what I’m saying. For example, “So, you love to travel. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? Why?”

For me, the ultimate insult is when a guy texts when we are on a date. It makes me feel like he would rather be somewhere else and isn’t listening to me at all. So put away your iPhone and pay attention to the person who is right in front of you.

4. Talking about the ex

Some men think that by talking about their past relationships, they are proving that they are desirable. Others just want to unload all their baggage on the first sympathetic woman who will listen. Whatever the motivation, resist the urge to talk about your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. If that is what you want to talk about, it’s a huge red flag that you have some unresolved issues and aren’t ready to move on. If you do happen to mention her, or if your date asks a question about your ex, make it brief and be very careful how you talk about her. Who knows? I might be your ex-girlfriend someday, so if you talk trash about her, it’s an indication of how you could talk about me in the future.

5. Trying to buy our affections

Fancy restaurants. Jewelry. Huge bouquets of flowers. You might think you’re impressing us when you constantly pull out all the stops, but what you’re really doing is sending a strong message that you’re insecure about who you are. In fact, in my opinion, this kind of behavior borders on manipulation—like you’re trying to trick me into liking you.

I’m not saying you should be cheap, but don’t go over the top. Save the fancy stuff for special occasions. Otherwise, I feel like you think I’m shallow. Believe me, I care a lot more about what is in a man’s heart than what is in his wallet.

Oh, and for the record, if I’m not interested in you, no amount of grand gestures will change my mind. I know you’ve seen it work a million times in romantic comedies, but it doesn’t work in real life. I can’t help it if I don’t feel chemistry with you. So save your money and stop trying to convince me that we should be together.

6. Being Too Needy

Women like men who have a positive attitude. So don’t dump all your problems on me every time we talk. I want to be supportive and be there when you are going through a rough time, but you need to be strong for me, too. It’s draining to be around someone who only dwells on the negative or always needs something from me. Share your feelings, but make sure you are offering strength and encouragement as well.

7. Being Too Possessive

Don’t get jealous if I speak to another person of the opposite sex. Don’t call me five times when I’m out with my girlfriends. And don’t make me account for every second of the day. In other words, don’t smother me. I want a man who trusts me and treats me with respect. And I want a man who is confident in who he is and what he has to offer. If I’m going out with you, then I obviously like you. So don’t blow it by acting jealous, overprotective, and possessive. Unless you’re a beautiful, sparkly vampire (and even then, I find it creepy), you’ll never get away with it, so don’t even try.

There you have it, boys—your guide to avoiding some major dating pitfalls. So take note and bring your A-game. Both you and your date will be glad you did.

Your turn: Ladies, is this list complete? What are some other dating mistakes men make?
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Jessica Carter is a recently divorced mother of two. In her late thirties, she is learning to navigate the mysterious world of LDS mid-singles.

Choose Carefully Those You Date

Wed, 27 Nov 2002 08:26:00 -0700

by Gary and Joy Lundberg
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: No one says, "I’m going to date losers—I love misery." At the same time, many don’t think seriously about who they ask out or who they agree to date. Perhaps you need to stop and consider what kind of person he or she really is.

And while people don’t wear “I’m a loser” signs, you can look for clues to the kind of people they really are. Consider the following telltale situations:

Good Choices/Bad Choices
1. You’re talking about movies with friends. Garth, a guy you’ve been thinking you’d like to go out with, says, “My brother saw this movie and said it was awesome. Let’s go see it.”

Wow! He just asked you out! Your heart begins a bongo beat. Then you remember something.. Taking a deep breath, you say, “I think it’s rated R.”

“No big deal,” Garth counters. “My brother said there’re only a few bad scenes. Let’s go, okay?”

2. Nicole has a smile that makes you want to smile right back. You’re attracted to her and wonder what she’s really like. A crucial test is coming up at school, and Gil, a member of your study group, has a clever idea for cheating.

“No one will know,” he says. “We’ve got to pass this one, so we’ll do whatever it takes.” Nicole looks straight at Gil and says, “No way! We study hard, then we pass or fail—but no cheating!”

3. You’ve been wanting to go out with Kevin, but you don’t know him well. He’s a little shy, but sooo good looking. Everyone cheers when he’s on the football field. He’s every girl’s dream guy.

During a library conversation, your friends start talking about the photos on their driver’s licenses. Kevin pulls his wallet out to show his picture. You get a good look, but something else catches your eye—a picture of a temple.

“Hey, Kev,” his buddy says, “What’s that?”
“It’s a picture of a special place,” he replies. “I carry it as a reminder.”

4. You and several friends—including Amy, the girl you want to ask to homecoming—are on your way to a basketball game. Someone tells a joke and everyone laughs. Then someone else tells one and it gets contagious. Everyone’s laughing and having a great time. Then Kyle tells a joke he’d never tell if the bishop were present. Everyone laughs, except you and Amy. Kyle notes her lack of response and asks, “What’s the matter, Amy? Too young for a little adult humor?”

“No,” she responds. “I’m just sad to hear one of my friends tell a story like that.”

5. You’re at a school party where everyone’s dancing and having a great time. A cute guy you’ve noticed in social studies makes his way to you and asks for a dance. You happily accept. It’s a slow dance and he moves in close. Then you smell it on his breath. He’s been drinking!

6. Friends are talking about an upcoming party at Shara’s house. You’re not sure about going, but it would be fun to be with everyone—especially Shara. She joins in and says, “C’mon. It’s going to be fun. My parents are gone for the weekend and the house will be ours.”

That’s a red flag. She sees you hesitating and adds, “You need to lighten up and live a little. We’ll have some stuff there to help you out. C’mon.”

Only A Date?
We could describe other scenarios, but you get the idea. The clues are usually obvious.

“But it’s only a date,” you’re thinking. “I’m not going to marry that guy/girl.”

Do you know anyone who married someone he or she never dated? You marry who you date. You never know when a dating relationship may develop into more than just a friendship. Be extremely cautious about who you hang out with and who you accept dates from. President Hinckley said, “Choose your friends carefully. It is they who will lead you in one direction or the other . . . never lose sight of [this] fact.”

Saying “No” Politely
You control who you choose to be with. Never accept a date from anyone you don’t feel good about. If a polite refusal isn’t sufficient, be firm enough that the person won’t ask you again.

What would you say to Shara in situation #6? How about, “Thanks, but that’s not my kind of party.”

If she replies, “Loosen up! You’re missing a lot of fun,” just smile and say, “That’s the kind of fun I choose to miss!” Then change the subject or walk away. This leaves no question about your values. Give an excuse like, “Sorry, I’ve already made other plans,” she’ll try again later.

What could you say to the guy in situation #5 if he asks you to ride home with him? If you’re smart, you’ll keep your distance during that slow dance. He may take the hint and not ask you out. It’s not necessary to say, “No way, loser. I don’t go with drunks.” A simple “No thanks” should be enough. If he asks for another dance, offer the same response. There’s always a polite way to let someone know you’re not interested.

You Always Have a Choice
What if you live in an area where there are no Latter-day Saints your age to date? Don’t say, “I have no choice—there’s nobody else to date.” You always have a choice. When we were on a speaking assignment in Rhode Island, we asked a 17-year-old boy if he had a girlfriend. He said, “No, I’ve never had a date, let alone a girlfriend.”

This was a good looking, likable guy, so we were surprised and asked why. He told us it was his family’s standard to date only faithful Latter-day Saints. “There are no LDS girls my age, so I don’t date,” he said. “And it isn’t easy.” His sister had been in the same boat and didn’t date until she went to a college where there were other LDS students.

These teens hang out with friends of other faiths with high standards, but they don’t pair off and date. They don’t want to risk falling in love with someone they couldn’t marry in the temple. We were impressed with the faith and obedience of these young people. They understood the counsel of President Spencer W. Kimball, who said, “Right marriage begins with right dating . . . Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. [You] cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel.”

We are convinced that the Lord will bless these faithful young people in wonderful ways. To the faithful He promises, “Thou shalt observe all these things, and great shall be thy reward” (D&C 42:65). There is no question that the reward will be worth the wait.

Use Moroni’s Measuring Rod
Just because a person shows up at church doesn’t mean he or she is living the standards of the Church. We don’t judge or condemn people—that’s the Lord’s job. But you must make judgments when deciding who to associate with.

Commenting on righteous judgment, Moroni said, “I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ . . . ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil.” (Moroni 7:16-17).

Satan’s Traps

Are people you meet in Internet chat stations likely to be good dating material? This kind of relationship can be extremely dangerous. Make it a rule not to chat on line with anyone you don’t already know. It’s even less safe than striking up a conversation with a stranger coming out of a bar. A person met on the Internet could be a forty-year-old pervert with evil intentions, pretending to be a terrific young guy or girl. People with serious personality defects and a horrible lifestyle may lead you to believe almost anything.

Never Count on Changing the Other Person
Sometimes people date those less worthy, hoping to bring them to a higher standard of gospel living. They think, “I’m sure he/she will like me enough to change.” This seldom happens. If you date people who lack high standards, you may end up marrying someone who will pull you down to his or her level. When you’re with someone who is already following Satan, you can easily fall. Protect yourself by refusing to date those who don’t live up to the Savior’s standards.

When people spiritually lose their way, it doesn’t mean they cannot change—but this may not happen. Invite them to listen to the missionary discussions or to atttend church functions. If they’re already members, encourage them to visit their bishop. Be kind, but don’t date people until they’ve repented. The risk is just too great.

What About You?
What kind of person are you? Someone a faithful Latter-day Saint girl or guy would want to date? Look carefully at your own values. Try to honestly determine whether or not you’re striving to live them.

When Margie said to her cousin, “I don’t know why such scummy guys always ask me out,” he was honest and said, “You attract these guys by the way you dress.” Margie didn’t get the message. She said “the good guys,” just weren’t asking her out. If you want to date decent people, you must be a decent person yourself.

Dating is always more enjoyable when both you and your date strive to keep the commandments. You have less to worry about and more to enjoy together as you seek wholesome activities.

Dating in groups can be especially enjoyable. Counsel from the First Presidency in For the Strength of Youth is clear on the subject: “When you begin dating, go in groups or on double dates. Avoid frequently dating the same person.” Choose well those you date and you’ll take a giant step toward protecting your sexual purity. You’ll be qualifying yourself for all the blessings the Lord has in store for you. He has said, “be thou faithful . . . and I will give thee a crown of life” (Revelations 2:10).