Mormon Life - Dating tag

{Single Saints} Greener Pastures Right Where You Are

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Greener in future dating pastures? With his trademark humor, our bachelor-in-residence Ryan Kunz thoughtfully examines the quandary many singles face.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being single, it’s that the grass isn’t always greener in future pastures. I typically have a disdain for clichés, especially those that assume I share behaviors with livestock, but this one describes how I sometimes feel.

Have you ever been in this situation? You’re graduating soon and don’t want to date until you’re done with school. (That’s me.) Or you don’t really love your ward and can’t muster the desire to get involved. (Been there.) Maybe you’re simply not satisfied with the current set of available eligible bachelors/bachelorettes. (Oh, pick me!)

When I’ve been stuck in such a quandary, I’ve found myself longing for an old man sitting upon a mountaintop who could offer sage words of wisdom regarding my dating life. However, since my life is somewhat devoid of old men, at least those who habitually take up residence on the tops of mountains, I decided to consult my parents.

As usual, my parents were founts of irritatingly wise counsel.

My dad gave me that stern look that only fathers can give and told me I was never going to get married if I kept looking at things this way. It’s good to plan for the future, he said, but if we live only in the future, we miss out on the present. (He told me something to that effect. I may have fortune-cookied his words a little bit.)

My mom told me that I needed to stop thinking I’d be happy when some event in the future happened. I needed to be satisfied now with conditions and make the best of where I was.

And so there I found myself. I could continue to disdain everything about my current situation, or I could make the best of it.

Don’t go thinking that this counsel altered my paradigm of life, instantly made me a happier person, and made skipping my normal form of locomotion. Any shift in belief or behavior takes time. I’m still trying to take my parents’ advice. Resolving to live more in the moment, especially when it comes to dating, is one thing, but seeing results is another.

Blooming where I’m planted, as they say, involves serving in my calling, regardless of how high-profile that calling is. It means home teaching the guys in my ward just as diligently as I home teach the girls. It means giving everyone a reasonable shot when picking out people to date. And—this one can be tricky—it means being satisfied with myself and where I am in life while still striving to always improve.

It’s not easy, but at least I’m trying. That, I think, might make all the difference in the end.

'Dating is fun!'

Mon, 21 May 2012 09:51:00 -0600

source: ldschurchnews.com

When the revised For the Strength of Youth booklet was released in January of this year, the first thing many young women did when they received their copies was turn to the section on "Dating" to see if anything had changed! Young women know that the world has changed drastically, but the Church's standards have not changed. What they discovered when they opened their book is that the standard for the age of formal dating is still 16. Yes, after the age of 16, youth are encouraged to date! Unfortunately, many young women tell me that when they turn 16, the boys do not ask them on dates. The boys prefer to "hang out." What to do?

Y grad aims to build a social network for LDS singles

Tue, 08 May 2012 12:46:00 -0600

source: heraldextra.com

Mormon Life says: The site allows people in the network to not only look for other singels, but to plan and host social events, find housemates or landlords, form groups around shared interests, get recommendations for dating activities in the city where they live, and more. It's hardly a new idea to use the Internet to help 20-something and 30-something single adult members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints meet, date and marry. There are many sites that cater directly to single Latter-day Saints, and many more that have vanished into the online ether over the years.

BYU graduate Josh Hall isn't trying to create another LDS dating site -- Hall, 33, has a much larger ambition than that for the site he's preparing to launch, YSAcentral. He wants to create the ultimate site for LDS singles, the last one that he or anyone else will ever need or use to meet and mingle with like-minded LDS singles. (There's more info at YSAcentral.com.)

Is Parenting Getting in the Way of Your Marriage?

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:05:00 -0600

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Your spouse will rarely demand as much from you as your children, so it's easy to get overwhelmed by the role of parent and neglect your role as husband or wife. Figure out if you suffer from this problem.

One of the most common types of couples who seek help from me in couples counseling are new empty nesters. They often say something like, “Now that our kids are gone, we don’t know what to talk about” or “We are having difficulty getting used to being alone together so much.” If you are an empty nester, does this sound familiar? If not, do you want to make sure this doesn’t happen to your marriage?

Depending on their age, children require that you feed them, change their diapers, give them advice, help them when they get hurt, help them feel comforted, play with them, listen to them when they cry, listen to them when they get excited, drive them to their practices, attend their concerts, go to PTA meetings—the list could go on forever. The fact is, children depend on you every day to exist, feel loved, and learn to navigate the treacherous growing years. In contrast, your spouse can care for his or her own needs to survive. The result is that parents spend too much energy on parenting and too little energy on their marriage.

Ask yourself the following questions to see if this could be happening to you:

1. Has it been more than a month since you went on a date with your spouse? If so, is the reason you justify not dating related to your kids?

I am a big advocate of dating in marriage relationships. Dating provides an excellent forum that can foster a healthy emotional connection—a necessary ingredient for healthy relationships. Dating was likely instrumental for you when you and your spouse fell in love. If it was so important then, it is even more important now, when so many other things pull your attention away from each other. I encourage everyone to go out on a date every week. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, and if you are creative, you can find necessary childcare.

2. Do your kids go to bed much later than you would like?

If you have had young children, you can probably relate to the many struggles parents face trying to get their kids to go to bed. However, based on my experience counseling couples, allowing your kids to stay up late can reduce the amount of one-on-one time you and your spouse share.

3. Do you always choose to play or interact with your kids instead of your spouse?

I am not trying to suggest that it is bad to play with your kids. However, too often parents focus too much on being parents and let their relationship slide. Your spouse needs your attention just as much as your children.

4. When you finally get some alone time with your spouse, do you multi-task, fold laundry, or work on some other parent responsibility during your alone time?

I know that managing the responsibilities of parenting, work, church callings, and everything else can be daunting. Even so, your relationship with your spouse deserves your undivided attention. It is easy to rationalize why everything else should take priority in the moment. However, moments easily turn into years without focused attention on your marriage.

I love children. As a father, much of my greatest joy, satisfaction, and meaning in life comes from my role as a father. Fulfilling that role is a responsibility I take very seriously, as I am sure most of you do as well. However, we also have roles to play as husbands or wives.

The Lord counseled that we should “love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (Doctrine & Covenants 42:22). I interpret this to mean that spouses should be our greatest commitment. The world is a demanding place, but we need to remember to keep our marriages as our top priority.

Do Mormons get married too young?

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 10:00:00 -0600

source: bycommonconsent.com

Mormon Life says: This is a touchy topic and LDS Living has no opinion on it, but we think the discussion is interesting and thought we'd post it for our readers. Once a group of us ladies were playing the game “Two Truths and a Lie,” and one woman told the following truth: “I got maternity clothes for my nineteenth birthday.” Someone asked, “Why on earth would someone give you maternity clothes for your nineteenth birthday?” Her matter-of-fact response: “Because I was pregnant!” (But she was married at 18, so it was okay.)

{Single Saints} Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Alexa Justesen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Breakups. We’ve all been there, whether you’re the breaker-upper or the break-up-ee. While I'm no dating expert, I've found through my own trial and error that these eight steps help to heal the heart.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of breakups in the past. Some ended well, some ended badly, but all were hard to deal with at the time. Knowing that something you put hard work, effort, and time into has suddenly ended is tough to accept and let go. However, as much as we may believe life is over, it’s important to know that it is possible to move on, get better, and see the silver lining in the end. The phrase “hindsight is 20/20” can be hard to believe in the moment, but I promise it’s true.

Been on the receiving end of a break-up recently? While I am by no means a relationship expert, these are some tricks that I’ve found to be effective in getting over a breakup and moving on. (Guys: while my tips come from a female perspective, they'll work for you, too.)

1. Take time to grieve. It’s okay to take a few days, buy a box of chocolates, and watch some movies. No one expects you to jump back on the dating bandwagon immediately, and it’s even best if you don’t. However, make sure to emerge from the depths of your living room couch after a little while. Find a hobby, go to the gym, and start to slowly find activities to take your mind off of the breakup. And most importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you have a break down every once in a while. That’s natural, and it happens.

2. Eliminate the “maybe.” “Maybe” is a tough little word. Sometimes after someone breaks up with us, we want to believe that “maybe” he’ll see he was wrong and come back, or “maybe” this breakup isn’t a permanent thing. And maybe those things will happen, but it’s important not to dwell on them. By dwelling on the “maybe,” your heart will get broken even more if nothing ends up happening. By moving on, you can put the pieces back together, and if things do end up working out again, you’ll be in an even better place. Who knows; by moving on, you might even realize your life has gone forward and you don’t want to get back together!

3. Cut the person off. This is a tough one. His Facebook page is right there, ready for you to look at. His text messages are still on your phone. My advice? Get rid of them. Delete the texts. Try to avoid looking through photos, e-mails, etc. for a period of time. While it can be hard, a clean break is the best way to start fresh. Sometimes by trying to stay friends immediately after the relationship ends, the “maybe” creeps back in and it becomes impossible to move on. If you do want an eventual friendship, it can come with time. Don’t jump into it before you are ready. You need time for those romantic feelings to disappear, and when you are surrounded by constant reminders of the relationship, they won’t.

4. Surround yourself with friends and family. Friends want to be there to help you, so let them. It has always surprised and touched me at how willing my friends have been to help me with whatever I’ve needed. Let visiting and home teachers know what’s going on. They want to help you, too, and they will. Talking it out can help, and often hearing the viewpoints of others lets us see things that we couldn’t or didn’t want to see while in the relationship.

5. Make yourself over. A breakup can be the perfect time to evaluate how you’ve been doing. Want to change up your hair? Do it. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Join a gym, take cooking classes, clean out your closet. Life is on your terms now. The best way to feel better is to make yourself better.

6. Make a playlist. I identify with music, and good song lyrics seem to recognize better how I feel than I do. There are great songs that will help you get through the sadness or anger. Then, make sure to move on and listen to happy, uplifting music when you are ready to be in a good mood!

7. Have faith that everything will work out. I'll say it again: hindsight really is 20/20. With most of my breakups, I am at the point where I can look back now and say, “Now I know why it wasn’t supposed to work.” Getting that answer takes time, so let yourself have it. And it will come.

8. Fake it til you make it. This is my dad’s favorite phrase, and I never believed it until I realized it’s true. Sometimes, by putting on a brave face and pretending you’re fine and happy, you realize that you really are, or are very close to it. So if you're finding it hard to find the faith that everything will work out, fake it. Faking a smile when you feel like diving into a box of tissues is tough, but it really will lift your mood. I promise.

While no breakup is fun to go through, the hurt will go away with time. The most important thing to do is to stay positive that wounds will heal, life will go on, and each day will get even better than the last. Because they will!

{Single Saints} Making Long Distance Work

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Some might say long distance is the wrong distance when it comes to relationships, and long run, they're right. But plenty have had success. The key is communication.

One of my favorite treats is the French bread pizza. It’s an ingenious upgrade on the standard pizza design, can be ready to eat in five minutes, and comes with a handy tray for catching crumbs while you’re eating on the living room couch. However, though it comes in a package of two, even a pair of them is not quite enough to satisfy my hunger, and the price tag is a little more than I’m willing to spend on anything less than the kind of meal that results in my collapsing on the couch afterward in stuffed satisfaction. In other words, I love it, but I have to enjoy what I can get because it’s never quite enough.

I think a long-distance relationship is a little like that French bread pizza. When you’ve got someone you care about but that person is too far away for you to see with any frequency, you’re often forced to make do without certain relationship luxuries, like physical contact or traditional quality time.

I’m still trying to figure this out, but I do have a few ideas.

Have a goal in mind. It doesn’t have to be marriage or anything dramatic, but I do feel it’s crucial to your relationship to set a timeframe and something you’d like to accomplish during that time. You might even suggest that you go for three months or so and then stop to evaluate where things are going. On the other hand, some might stress that it’s important to just let the right thing happen. Either way, you should makes steps to assure you are both on the same page.

Frequent communication. We live in an age blessed with myriad means which with to communicate. Some couples might feel comfortable with daily texting conversations; others might prefer calling or video chat. I suggest mixing it up a little; perhaps you can have a regular Skype day every week, but communicate however you want in between sessions.

Trust. You’re hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles apart. You’re both going to have exciting lives, regardless of one another’s absence. It’s too much to ask to stay inside and refrain from human contact. Trust each other to stay true; maintain honest communication.

There’s no sure formula for making relationships work, especially long-distance ones. However, There’s a common theme throughout all of these suggestions: communication. When you’re separated, communication is all you have left — so you’d best utilize it.

Your turn: What worked (or didn't work) in any of your long-distance relationships?

Latter-day Saint mid-singles experience

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 10:25:00 -0600

source: mormonmatters.org

The LDS Church recently restructured its “singles” wards, effectively shutting them off to unmarried people who are 31 years old or above. In many ways, this move formalized even more than previously the “limbo” of sorts that unmarried but still quite young Mormons find themselves in with relation to their church. Do they best fit or will they be most edified in “family” wards or huge “mid-singles” wards that weekly draw as large a crowd as a typical stake conference? Are they to be seen and celebrated as the highly accomplished, dynamic, active creators of meaningful lives that most of them are, or are they best understood as delayed developers, people to be pitied for the spouse and family that they lack? They don’t “fit” the LDS-idealized mold, that’s for sure (even as single-in-one’s-thirties is becoming more and more typical in society in general).

Young Love

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 09:53:00 -0600

source: mormonmentality.org

My dear, sweet, intensely committed-to-the-gospel daughter has been home from her mission for four months now. When she first got home, she decided attending the local single’s branch wasn’t for her. She was much more comfortable attending our family ward, where she spent Sunday meetings hanging out with the sister missionaries. It was lovely and devoted, but seemed to be keeping her in missionary mode rather than transitioning back to the Real World.

I'm Anxious - So Let's Break Up

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Many singles experience doubts about their relationships. In some cases the anxiety is so high they flee the relationship. Is this anxiety a warning from God or is it something else? Are they dodging danger or losing out on a valuable dating and relationship experience?

Dating can be stressful. It isn’t easy to interpret what the other person is doing or saying, what it means, or how to react. The uncertainty of when or if someone will call or do their part is painful and makes the person feel powerless. Additionally, singles fear missing the warning signs of bad, abusive, or neglectful relationships. And they fear wasting others' (or their own) time.

As a marriage and family therapist and dating coach, I know that the answer to these problems isn’t to break up but to become better educated about the opposite sex, dating, and relationships. This will empower individuals and assist them in developing valuable personal, spiritual, and dating skills.

So how can a single man or woman know when the Spirit is warning them to leave a relationship and when they are just experiencing the anxiety that comes from not knowing what to do?

Spiritual Warnings

There are many ways to discern the difference between anxiety and spiritual warnings.

The Spirit will speak to the mind and to the heart (D&C 8:2). Strong compelling emotions that are not backed up by solid examples, facts, or experiences are probably not of the Spirit.

For example, a client of mine had intense fears about marrying her boyfriend, but when we reviewed the warning signs of someone who would be potentially abusive or manipulative (i.e. they lack empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility), all of her experiences clearly indicated that he showed a tremendous amount of empathy, a history of self-control, and a willingness to take responsibility and work on his problems. Thus, her strong emotions did not speak to both her mind and her heart, so they would be caused by a different source than the Spirit (i.e. panic, fear, and anxiety—all of which she can develop skills to resolve).

I'm not saying any feeling you can't explain should be ignored--there can be valid reasons for them and sometimes the Spirit works in mysterious ways--but breaking up may not always be the best solution.

The truth is established by two or three witnesses (2 Corinthians 13:11). Our Father in Heaven does not expect us to make decisions based on one-time promptings or vague impressions. Instead, he sends us multiple witness of the truth and confirms this truth with multiple sources, thus ensuring that we can have confidence and clarity in the Spirit and what it is trying to say.

Relative to the client described above, we carefully reviewed her experiences, looking for consistent spiritual impressions and messages, while confirming these experiences with insights from important third parties (such as her parents, friends, and church leaders). Not only did this process reveal no evidence of significant warning signs, but it further confirmed that he was a good choice for a husband.

The Spirit enlightens the mind, fills with joy and confidence, casts out fear, and speaks by a still small voice (D&C 11:13, 2 Timothy 1:7, 3 Nephi 11:30). The Spirit encourages, inspires, warns, and prompts, but doesn’t compel. Strong emotions that are persistent and unrelenting (such as panic and anxiety) are not of God. At times we will feel warnings from the truth we discover, but these warnings do not cause doubt, powerlessness, and despair; they instead inspire knowledge, confidence, and action. Thus, when discerning between truth and error, singles can avoid being deceived by looking to the fruits of their emotions (3 Nephi 14:20). Do their thoughts and emotions inspire confidence, truth, love, knowledge, joy, and action, or do they create anxiety, panic, despair, helplessness, worthlessness, withdrawal, isolation, and inactivity?

In spite of my client's strong emotions of panic and anxiety (which can impair her ability to feel the Spirit at times), she was able to find peaceful moments in which she knew her boyfriend was a good option and marriage was appropriate, if she chose to proceed forward. She knew spiritually that her Heavenly Father wanted this choice to be hers and that he would help her find tools to manage her anxiety and increase her confidence and joy in the relationship. It was difficult at times for her to silence her doubts and lean on her faith, but she was able to marry her boyfriend and within a few months she related that her anxiety was under control and she was happily married.

The importance of dating and relationship skills

For those singles who are tempted to walk away from a dating or relationship opportunity, I would challenge you to first look at yourself and to ask:

-Do I feel anxious and don’t know how to calm this anxiety, except through withdrawing?

-Do I feel confused about what the person is thinking or what I can do to affect the situation positively?

-Do I feel uncertain about where this is going, so I want to take control and break up before they break up with me?

-Am I uncertain of the warning signs of the neglectful, abusive, or manipulative, and as such I am inclined to see warning signs everywhere (i.e. I have an overall negative view of men or women)?

If you don’t know what to do to manage your emotions, if you don’t understand dating or the opposite sex, and if you have a negative view of the opposite sex, withdrawing will not resolve these problems or help you develop the skills you need.

These fears and anxieties are normal and can be alleviated with education and support. Now is the time to develop the dating and relationship skills you need to succeed.

Visit itsyourtechnique.com to get access to Alisa’s dating advice, articles, audios, and videos on such topics as Why Men Back Off, Why Women Reject Men, or He’s Amazing and Still Single! Why?.

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This article is sponsored by Alisa Goodwin Snell, a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the “It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique” dating system.

Mormon missionaries remember that dreaded ‘Dear John’ letter

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 08:37:00 -0600

source: sltrib.com

Taped to the wall of his kitchen in Botswana, where Jackson served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was a typewritten letter that had belonged to a missionary who lived there before him. It was an apologetic breakup note from his girlfriend.

Jackson doesn’t recall exactly what the correspondence said. But he does remember what that missionary had scrawled at the bottom of it, as if in response: "Get amoebic dysentery and die."

For the strength of single adults

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 10:36:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

We teach our children from the “For The Strength of Youth” pamphlet to make wise choices in their lives.

But when the parents of these same teens become single themselves, what happens to those standards?

What we teach our own children should be the standard of what we live in our own lives.

{Single Saints} Dating Mythbusters, Part 2

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:02:00 -0600

by Emily McClure
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Part 2 of my experiment with common date-getting techniques. See how Facebook stalking, eye games, compliments, and repetition measured up.

Last week we started exploring the wiles girls use to get guys to like them in Dating Mythbusters, Part 1.

1. Be straightforward; guys like girls who ask them out.

 2. Accidentally bump into a guy and then play the “shy” act.

 3. Tell someone to tell a guy you’re interested in him. Wait for the guy to make the next move.

 4. Touch the guy’s elbow.

Here’s part two, with four more experiments in the dating world by some of our LDS Living staff.

 5. Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met.

 6. The glance: make eye contact with a guy until the peak moment, then smile and look away. 

7. Compliment the guy and then keep asking questions about him. 

8. Make sure you interact with the guy a lot. Repetition is the key to getting him to remember to fall in love with you!

(Note: names have been changed to protect the privacy of the poor subjects.)

5. Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met

Alexa, Intern

What do you do when you meet a cute guy at a party, feel that “spark,” but then get separated when your roommate wants to leave because her ex shows up? Simple. You Facebook stalk him and send him a message. But does this work? I tried it out—twice—to find out.

Depending on your previous in-person meeting and how you write your message, you can either come across as total creeper or as cute girl who might have some interest.

Rule number one: Once you find him on Facebook, DON’T friend request him just yet. Sometimes I feel a little weird when people I hardly know add me as a friend, and this might look just a bit desperate. Send the message, wait for a response, and if you get the green light, hit that little “request” button.

Rule number two: Craft the body of the message carefully, making sure to pay attention to good grammar and spelling. It will help you come across as more mature and intelligent. Also, ask a question. In the example below, I asked a question about him. He had a reason to write back. Third, no desperation, just a simple statement letting him know you enjoyed talking and would love to again. In my message, I put myself out there just enough that if he decided he doesn’t want to write back, there is no broken heart. Nice, simple, and confident. Here’s a "cute girl" message:

Hey Fred,

It was great to meet you the other night. I’m sad we didn’t get to finish our conversation about the evolution of butterflies, but my roommate needed to leave and I was her ride. But hey I never got to hear your thoughts about when the butterfly finally escapes from the cocoon, and I’d be really interested to know what you think. I’ll hopefully talk to you later, and good luck with that test you have this week!

-Alexa

I also wrote a creeper message to "George" that had awful spelling ("2's" instead of "to's") and too much information (drama with my roommate over her ex-boyfriend), and was too long and too pushy. Lastly, I did the creepiest thing I can imagine: I let him know I had to drudge through Facebook to find him. Just don’t do that.

So now that we have established how to write a subtly-hinting Facebook message, it’s time to hear the verdict:

Message back from Fred a few days later, with friendly banter an request for a phone number (for more talk of butterflies). Perfect! There’s one date in the bag.

As for George . . . I’m still waiting to hear back.

6. Smile and peek a glance at a guy

Ruthann, Circulation Manager

The results of this suggestion were . . . okay. I saw a new person at an event and thought he looked interesting. I was standing pretty close to him while talking to some friends. One of my friends knew this guy and turned to start talking to him about some business ideas. I glanced up and smiled. Eventually they ended up joining our conversation, and I chatted with this guy for about 3 minutes before we both had to leave. And that was it. So did I get to meet this guy? Yes. Did it result in talking to him in the future? As of now, no.

7. Compliment a guy and ask questions

Mandy, Intern

I believe that most people just want to be validated—they want to be heard and they want to feel important. So I figured that asking a guy lots of questions and complimenting him would be a surefire way to get a date.

I chose to practice this tip on Jason, whom I had met a couple months before and, as Taylor Swift puts it, was enchanted by. I had never made a concerted effort to get him to ask me out, so once I decided to try, I went all for it. In fact, I may not be qualified to write about this tip because I tried a lethal combination on Jason: I let one of his friends know I was interested, I tried the elbow touch (okay, to be honest, I practically massaged his arm), and I asked lots of questions and complimented him. My roommate also made fun of me for bee lining it to talk to him after a church meeting. Mind you, all of this happened within a day, so when he didn’t ask me out right away, I thought maybe my attempts had been overkill.

I spent about a week thinking that the tips just didn’t work—or, heaven forbid, I was a creep—before I decided to move on. If Jason wouldn’t fall in love with me after all that, nothing would work. But then one night, nearly a month after the possibly overwhelming occasion, Jason called and asked me out. Needless to say, it’s good to know I’m probably not too creepy . . .

8. Repetition (lots of interaction)

Mandy, Intern

Matt started out as a friend, but after getting to know him a little better, I decided I needed to make him fall in love with me. This is a big feat, I know, but I think it’s better to shoot for the stars than the clouds, right? So I did what everybody would do with such a daunting task at hand: I became a bit of a stalker.

Okay, before you cast judgment and picture me standing outside his window with a dozen long stemmed roses, I swear it was simple. I just figured out where he studied in the library and started studying there too—I didn’t even learn where his classes were, so, in my opinion, my stalking was pretty innocent. He didn’t seem to notice that I just so happened to start studying in the same place, or else he didn’t let on that he did. But because of this, I started seeing him a lot.

I didn’t go every day (I did have other things to do), but I went enough that he wasn’t surprised to see me anymore. We had great conversations in the library and our friendship grew stronger. I totally wasn’t his type—he normally would have dated the tiny blonde cheerleader type, while I am a completely un-athletic brunette, and maybe a little too opinionated. But I think the repetition may have convinced him to give it a shot with me. It took a while for us to finally go out, but when we did, it was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.

Now I am a huge advocate of repetition—if you let someone go too long without seeing you, that awesome feeling that comes when he or she is with you could die. Don’t risk it. Don’t be a creepy stalker (play it safe!), but just . . . be around.

Emily's Ultimate Verdict:

In the four weeks of trying out these tips (and I tried them out on a lot of guys, as did my friends), I had guys I wasn’t even trying to attract ask me out, and I had guys I wanted to attract not ask me out. Some tips worked better with boys I’d known for a while, some tips just worked in general (complimenting anyone is always in fashion)—and some tips didn’t work for me at all. (I may have accidentally gained a reputation as a creeper.)

Here’s the thing: there really isn’t a magic formula to get a guy to ask you out. When it comes down to it, no amount of elbow-touching or peak-glancing is going to magically make a guy want to suddenly ask you out. All you can really do to make your dating life worthwhile is put yourself out there, have fun, be yourself, and any other clichés you’ve heard all your life. Eventually, everything falls into place. And, by the way, don’t elbow-touch a lot; just . . . don’t.

Mormon Prom in California promotes high standards

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 12:30:00 -0600

source: deseretnews.com

Southern California teenagers from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints attended the Mormon Prom on Saturday, March 17, at Soka University in Aliso Viejo, Calif. Youths ages 16-18 from the Santa Margarita, Mission Viejo, San Clemente and Laguna Niguel congregations were invited to join the annual event.

“It is all about having wholesome fun and a positive dating experience and being with a group of youth that share the same high standards,” said Marci Paul, the Young Women president for Foothill Ranch.

{Single Saints} Dating Mythbusters

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 00:04:00 -0600

by Emily McClure
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: As a comparatively naive dater, I wondered if it would help to get tips from my fellow females on how to get dates. Here's my verdict on their success, using a totally scientific experimental method.

Click here to read part 2.

I remember watching Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and asking my mother what Grumpy meant when he said, “And all females is poison! They’re full of wicked wiles!”

Naturally, I decided to extend this observation to the dating world. What wily tricks do girls use to get a boy’s attention? I always thought that if a guy could catch me wearing a ballgown and singing at my window, he’d be hooked. Then I realized, as a comparatively naive and non-wily dater, wouldn’t it be helpful to get tips from my fellow females and test them for the benefit of all women?

Game Plan: After contacting my most experienced friends and family, I compiled a list of the top tips I wanted to try out. As I put the list together, I kept thinking, Can it really be this easy? Are these really the time-honored secrets to dating?

1.    Be straightforward; guys like girls who ask them out.
2.    Accidentally bump into a guy and then play the “shy” act.
3.    Tell someone to tell a guy you’re interested in him. Wait for the guy to make the next move.
4.    Touch the guy’s elbow.
5.    Facebook stalk and message a guy you’ve just met.
6.    The glance: make eye contact with a guy until the peak moment, then smile and look away.
7.    Compliment the guy and then keep asking questions about him.
8.    Make sure you interact with the guy a lot. Repetition is the key to getting him to remember to fall in love with you!

To ensure that my results were not skewed, I enlisted the help of some of my single coworkers here at LDS Living, and so began the great experiment. (Note: names of the poor guys who were afflicted by our dating awkwardness have been changed.)

1. Be straightforward; guys like girls who ask them out.
Emily, Intern

I’ve always been the sort of girl who believes guys should ask girls out, not the other way around. If I were being completely honest, I’d say I believe that because it scares the living daylights out of me to ask someone out. Nevertheless, in the interest of providing useful research to humanity, I decided to conquer my fears and ask a guy out.

I’d wittily bantered with this guy (we’ll call him Jarrod) for a while, but he hadn’t made a move, and I was getting impatient. One day, when we were working together and verbally sparring, our boss came up and said, “Jarrod, ask her out.” We both shrugged and laughed, and then I did it. I said, “Jarrod, ask me out.” He laughed, but I repeated in a more serious tone, “Ask me out.” And guess what girls—he asked me out. We went and ate expensive, delicious hamburgers, and then we saw a movie. Aside from the fact that our conversation was a little slow and we both kept our hands tight to our sides during the movie, it was a pleasant date. Did he ask me out for a second date? No. But did he ask me out for a first date after I asked him out? Yes.

2. Accidentally bump into a guy and then play the “shy” act.
Ruthann, Circulation Manager

At the end of a stake musical fireside, I saw an attractive guy who looked like a quality person and also happened to be wearing a terrific tie. My roommate suggested we could walk by him on our way to meet our friends and she could gently push me so I would end up “accidently” bumping into him. I could apologize, act shy, and then make a casual comment which would hopefully start a conversation.

Unfortunately, her “gentle” push sent me hurtling into him, resembling what looked like a football tackle rather than a gentle bump. As he was trying to recover from the unexpected hit, a look of surprise and confusion spread across his face (can’t really miss someone’s facial expression when you are about three inches away from it). I scrambled to recover and stand on my own two feet while keeping the red shade of embarrassment on my face from growing any darker. I was about to turn and run away when I realized I had agreed to make a least one comment. I mumbled something like “nice tie” before sprinting off, leaving the guy standing there with the look of utter confusion.

Maybe this could work for some people, but I would strongly encourage you to be aware of others’ strength and your own ability to stay focused.

3. Tell someone to tell a guy you’re interested in him and wait for the guy to make the next move.
Emily, Intern

I didn’t want to be the girl passing notes to friends and asking them if so-and-so liked me. But after really liking a guy (we’ll call him Chris) for awhile and feeling that he liked me, I decided it was time to take action (in a less direct way than asking him out). So, I talked our mutual friend, who we’ll call Rhetta, into telling Chris that I wouldn’t say no if he asked me out. Two days later, she told me the deed was done, and the ball was effectively placed in his court.

After two weeks went by and I heard nothing from him, I prepared to move on, but suddenly it happened: “Hey, what are you doing this weekend?” We went out on our friend-inspired date, and then a couple more after that. Moral of the story? If he’s even a little bit interested in you, getting a friend to tell him about your mutual attraction is a surefire way of getting a date.

4. Touch the guy’s elbow.
Kaela, Associate Editor

This is one of those Mormon college traditions of almost mythical proportions: if you touch a guy’s elbow, he’ll magically fall for you. Just like that. My sophomore year of college, my roommate and I decided to try it out. We debuted our experiment at a battle of the bands event and casually wandered the room wacking guys’ elbows as we passed by. We remained single.

But then we got smarter, and at a ward activity, we both made the goal to touch one of our FHE brothers’ elbows. And soon, we noticed things were not quite the same. The FHE brother whose elbow I had touched started stopping by a lot more to see me, hanging out a lot more with me at FHE activities, etc. The FHE brother whose elbow had been touched by my roommate asked her out—and now they’re married.

Here’s what I concluded: most girls never try this one out because, well, touching a guy’s elbow without coming across as really awkward is nigh impossible. You’re going much more into his personal bubble than normal. And if you’re already close enough to the guy to be able to do so without being awkward, you’re already close, so this just becomes extra fodder: you’re touching them, and not only are you touching them, but you’re doing so more intimately than would be normal.

Make sure you read Part 2 to hear stories of Facebook stalking, eye games, and more!

Prom — for better or for worse

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 10:16:00 -0600

source: MormonTimes.com

Mormon Life says: I really like this LDS mom's perspective on the big dance. Prom is in the air, which causes excitement as well as angst for the parents of teenagers who dream of a dress-up night to remember. For LDS moms of daughters, the drama goes way beyond finding that elusive gown with sleeves.

I’ve been troubled by the trend in our area for girls to go alone to prom — to ask each other with decorated signs on school lockers and to attend in groups of four or five or more.

He's Amazing and Still Single . . . and What She Can Do about It

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:07:00 -0600

by Alisa Snell - Dating Coach
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Almost everyone knows an amazing woman who has so much to offer, yet the good man she is dating can’t seem to commit. Despite all the right signs, they not only don't get married, they break up. But a woman can do many things to help avoid this.

Last month’s article, "He’s Amazing and Still Single! Why?", described a group of highly eligible, attractive, and socially skilled men who, in spite of the fact that they date great women, remain single year after year.

The women who date these men also have common traits. They are often educated, attractive, confident, and socially skilled women. They are patient, kind, good listeners, and willing to do their part in relationships. They don’t react dramatically or inappropriately. They’re not excessively nagging. They are quick to read books on relationships and apply what they learn. And they don’t have many undesirable issues in their past.

Thus, these men often describe the woman they’re dating as “perfect.” Unfortunately, they often follow this up with, “But I just don’t feel an emotional connection."

What is going wrong? Is it her, him, or both of them together? How do these amazing women help these men to feel an emotional connection? If these men can’t commit to such wonderful women, then what hope is there that these men will ever marry, and what will become of these great women who, despite their best efforts, remain single year after year, too?

He needs to be the hunter, not the hunted.

One of the first things I teach women in this situation is that it works best for both of them if he is the pursuer of the relationship. This means he needs to initiate phone calls (and texts) three to four times more often than she does. He needs to ask to see her (which allows him to miss her and seek her out) rather than her dropping by his work, popping in to see him, or asking when they’re getting together. He needs to ask her to be exclusive rather than her immediately seeing only him and assuming that he feels the same.

To encourage and keep him in the pursuit role, I recommend that women use their warmth, femininity, appreciation, kinds words, and touch as positive reinforcements of the things he does, rather than giving gifts, making meals, or offering to pay for dates. Once she has done her part, she needs to sit back, relax, and trust that he sees what she has to offer and that he will pursue her and invest in the relationship.

He needs to sacrifice to feel love and have fun to feel connected.

The more deeply he sacrifices the more deeply he loves and making physical sacrifices (like phone calls, picking her up for and paying for dates, doing things for her, and meeting her needs) are things these men are willing to do. All he wants in return is to enjoy her company and have fun. As a matter of fact, he needs to just relax and have fun for at least the first two to four months if he is to develop a strong emotional attachment.

Once he begins to worry about: 1) what she is feeling or thinking, 2) if she is too into him or too anxious for commitment, or 3) if she is hurt and disappointed by his slow (but consistent and persistent) efforts to pursue her, then he will feel anxious and even trapped.

It’s not that he wants out of the relationship. It’s that pressure for commitment causes him to analyze very closely what he’s feeling (or not feeling) and anxiety impedes his ability to have spontaneous positive emotions. When he is having fun these complicating emotions are kept to a minimum.

They need to fight the pressure together.

Pressure and anxiety are inevitable in all relationships, but a woman can talk with him about the situations that cause him to feel pressure (i.e., meeting the family, going to work parties, holding hands at church) and express a willingness to come up with solutions together to fight the pressure—because she isn’t the problem and he isn't the problem—the pressure is the problem.

She doesn’t need to take the pressure away. She just needs to show him that together they can reduce the pressure, which will also deepen their emotional attachment to each other, versus him trying to reduce the pressure on his own by withdrawing from her and the relationship.

They need to resolve her feelings and needs together, too.

If a woman does not express her feelings and needs to him with positive solutions that will resolve the situation, she will begin to feel stressed, alone, and impatient with the slow-moving reality of their relationship. (Consequently, she will be more likely to push for commitment or break up.)

All men are repelled by criticism and nagging, but a man does value and appreciate when a women expresses her feelings and needs while also communicating her faith in his goodness. He wants to help, he just doesn’t know what to do unless she tells him and explains how much it means to her. To do this, she can simply state that just as they’re fighting the pressure together, she needs the two of them to work together to make her feel more secure in the relationship. She can then give examples of what he could do that would help resolve her fears.

The more the two of them work on these combined issues, the more deeply they will feel bonded. This is a more useful conversation and goal for them to work on together than her talking about when they are going to get married and what’s wrong with him or her that he feels like withdrawing every time the conversation comes up.

With a secure attachment in place and a pattern of resolving problems together, it will be easier for both of them to feel more secure and connected, and as such more inclined to more forward with marriage.

To learn about the additional complicating factors that contribute to this pattern, and to listen to a one-hour audio in which I discuss this pattern (and what singles can do to break it) with three men and four women who struggle with it, visit itsyourtechnique.com. There you can also get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.

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Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the “It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique” dating system.

{Single Saints} Is Success the Kiss of Death for a Single Woman?

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Vera Taylor
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I've been confronted with some surprising reactions from others to my professional success, and it has me wondering if the career I didn't choose overshadows the life I would choose in a heartbeat.

I have a good job and recently got a promotion at work. Shortly after the promotion was public I ran into an old friend--a guy who I was in a singles ward with several years ago. He is around my age (mid-30’s), single, educated, has a decent job, and is an overall nice and quality guy. We caught up on each other’s lives and I mentioned my promotion. Instead of saying “congratulations” or “that’s awesome” the first words out if his mouth were: “Be careful.”

What?!!?

He followed that up with “Don’t get too successful; we want you married sooner rather than later.” (Yeah, I don’t know who “we” is either.)

I wish I had a super smart comeback to say to him but instead I froze up and then laughed it off. However, his comment nagged at me all night, and I have thought about it many times since.

Let me be clear: I know he was well meaning, and I don’t want to unfairly criticize and single him out since I have heard similar comments from other sources. I do, however, want to comment on the inference that being a successful woman in the workplace diminishes opportunities to get married.

I have heard the statistics that the more educated a woman is the less likely she is to marry. I have heard the same sentiment expressed about successful working women. What I don’t really know is . . . is it true?

I'm guessing these statistics/assumptions stem from women who have pushed off marriage and children in order to climb the corporate ladder. And I know there are women who consciously choose career over family. But honestly, I don’t know too many single Mormon women that fall into those categories. I do know plenty of single women that are working, doing well in their careers, getting promoted, and enjoying what they do, but most are still actively hoping for and seeking a relationship that will end in marriage and motherhood. And before that future is realized (if it is ever realized), what are we supposed to do?

I realize my friend’s problem isn’t with me having a job. So, is it that I’m doing well at it? I would think a guy would be thrilled to date a woman who is doing well in her career. Right? I mean, think of the 401K she has started! The down-payment their combined incomes could procure!

Is it an ego thing? I know some men worry they can’t provide a woman what her dad provided for her family, so is worrying that he can’t provide the same way she can an extension of that insecurity?

Is it because a man needs to feel needed, so he is more attracted to the kind of women who, well, need him more? It is true that I don’t “need” a man to financially provide for me. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to have one to rely on. And to take my car in to be serviced. And do anything that requires advanced power tools. (See, I’m needy!)

It is easy for me to excuse his comments as ridiculous and to exclaim that any guy who has a problem with or is intimidated by my success isn’t the right guy––but perhaps that oversimplifies the issue. Is it possible for the career you didn’t choose to prevent you from having the life you’d choose in an instant, if the right opportunity presented itself?

Deep down I just don’t believe this to be true. I can’t believe it. I do suspect, however, that all the presumptions and prejudices we develop around jobs, circumstances, appearance, etc., just make it that much harder to find the right person. To be fair, I am not innocent of making unfair judgments about, for example, never married guys in their late 30′s/early 40′s. I automatically assume they are either commitment-phobic or socially challenged. Not fair; true sometimes––but not fair.

I suspect no matter what our circumstance, it would behoove us to be a little more careful with our judgments and assumptions. I’ll try if you do.

{Single Saints} Taking Heat off the Marriage Pressure Cooker

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 00:04:00 -0700

by Mandy Slack
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "You should be married!" is a fairly regular refrain for anyone who has remained single past the early 20s – including me. But a few of these strategies have kept me from getting down when the questions start getting old.

In the wee hours of the morning when most of the world is still asleep, I work in a bakery with a spunky Peruvian woman in her early forties who never hides what she thinks or feels. One day we were talking and she asked me (even though she knew), “How old are you? 20? 23? Oh no, 25!” I smiled, knowing what was coming next. And it came: “You should be married!”

This is nothing new for me, and I’m sure it’s nothing new for thousands of LDS singles above the perfect age of 21. We’ve probably all heard this statement in some variety or have been asked why we’re not married—the setting simply changes. Maybe it’s in a chapel where our loving leaders can’t figure out why we are not married; maybe it’s in the car with a parent who thinks you’re being too picky; or maybe it’s anywhere you see an old friend who genuinely cares for your wellbeing. No matter where it is, the pressure is on.

I think pressure can be a good thing—to a certain extent. Pressure to marry has motivated me to be more social, to take better care of myself, and to try to constantly improve. But, frankly, it also bugs me. I know it irks some of my friends, too; it can make us feel weird and haggard, which I don’t think anyone should have to feel simply because they are single.

I’ve thought a lot about pressure and how much it bothers me, but I’ve finally realized that it won’t ever go away—we can’t send a massive email to the world asking them to please cut us a break. Instead of trying to stop others from pressuring us, maybe we just have to learn how to handle the heat. Here are some things I think could help with the negative effects of pressure.

Joke

People don’t know how to handle it when you give an unexpected reply to their well-meaning questions and will often leave you alone if you respond with a joke.

When someone asks you why you aren’t married, say something goofy that will catch the questioner off guard. My roommate and I once made a list of humorous (to us, anyway) answers to this question; we came up with things like, “Well, I’m schizophrenic and that’s a lot for a man to take on,” or “Oh, I’m very happy with my cats right now.” When you joke, this not only can make people forget what they were asking, but it also seems to show them that you’re not bitter about being single, so they’re not quite as worried about you.

Realize You’re Not Weird

I’ve had friends in their late twenties or early thirties whose confidence waxed thin as they got older and remained single. They really thought they were weird just because of that. There have been moments when I’ve felt the same way, but I’ve realized I can’t let my relationship status determine how I feel about myself or my life.

The pool of LDS singles is vast, but even if it weren’t, it wouldn’t make you a weird person (maybe there are other reasons you’re weird, but aren’t we all?). There are thousands of LDS singles out there and no, they’re not all 18-21. Could all of us really be that weird?

Enhance Your Awesome

Obsessing over marriage will only diminish personality. If all you do is think about the “M” word, what will happen when some intriguing man or woman is actually sitting across the table waiting to hear what you have to say? I’ve known people who were extraordinarily sweet and genuine, but mostly just cared about getting married and as a result had practically nothing to say when a member of the opposite sex was around. I’m sure they would make great spouses, or even just boyfriends and girlfriends, but their lack of interest in other subjects seems to hinder romantic success.

Check out this talk about preparing for marriage. Elder Eric Shumway gives some excellent suggestions for improving while we are single, both spiritually and temporally.

Keep Looking for a Person, Not Just a Wedding or Marriage

This line from True to the Faith has shaped my spouse-searching strategy: “Before you marry, be sure you have found someone to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.” Yes, our church leaders want us to get married, but they don’t want us to just get married—they want us in it forever.

Are you still going out with that guy because your parents are dying for more grandkids or because he’s someone you could still love in fifty years? And guys, are you going after that girl because she’s cute and you’re the only one in your family not married or because you think she could make you happy in the long (and I mean really long) run? Sometimes when I’m infatuated with someone, I try to take a step back from my blinded self and ask, “Could I love this person forever?”

When the pressure’s on, it can be tempting to jump into something you’re not really sure about just to get it all over with, but forever’s a long time—is it worth risking?

'For the Strength of Youth' over the years

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 00:05:00 -0700

by Mandy Slack
source: ldsliving.com

Mormon Life says: The For the Strength of Youth pamphlet has recently been changed and expanded. After reading about the changes, we were interested to see how this youth handbook has changed since its first publication in 1965. Here's what we found. (Make sure to check out the gallery of old FSOY covers!)

Whenever I’ve heard my mom or other women from earlier generations claim they couldn’t wear pants to school, I’ve treated their words as myths--kind of like the classic dad story about walking two miles to school in the snow and uphill both ways. But when I traipsed over to The Church History Library and looked through the For the Strength of Youth pamphlets from the past, I found hard evidence that it was, in fact, considered inappropriate for young women to wear pants to school and several other places.

Deep down, I always knew it was true, but I was still surprised when I saw that the first edition of the pamphlet, published in 1965, advised young women not to wear pants “for shopping, at school, in the library, in cafeterias or restaurants.”

Can you imagine this kind of guidance for young women today? It was no doubt the right guidance for the youth to whom it spoke, but as things have changed, so has the pamphlet. Seeing these changes to the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet has opened my eyes to the Church's awareness of the needs of youth at all times, whether it be the 60s and 70s or the late 90s and early 2000s. Here are some of the highlights from the different editions:

1965-1972

Between 1965 and 1972, seven editions of the pamphlet were published, including the very first edition. A lot of the guidance in these early editions of FSOY was geared towards propriety and acceptable behaviors. Under the section “Good Grooming,” it reads, “Not only should clothes be clean, but nails, skin, and hair should have the glow of health that bespeaks meticulous care in grooming.” Youth were also reminded that “it is not polite to run in and out of motel or hotel rooms late at night, making a disturbance which keeps other guests awake.”

Some of the directions in these earlier pamphlets are more detailed than the FSOY pamphlets we know today. For example, in the section titled “‘Grubbies,’ Curlers, Hair Fashions,” girls were counseled not to leave the house in their “grubbies.” The next sentence states: “A ‘real lady’ does not go out in public, to the market, or to shops with her hair curlers.” (Most of today’s young women probably don’t even know how to use hair curlers.)

Young women were not only to avoid backless and strapless dresses because of immodesty, but also because, according to these early pamphlets, “few girls or women ever look well in backless or strapless dresses. Such styles often make the figure look ungainly and large, or they show the bony structures of the body.”

1990 Edition

Society must have changed drastically in the years to follow because For the Strength of Youth was almost completely different when it was updated in 1990. The Church standards remained the same, but the world seemed to be in more need of moral direction. “The title For the Strength of Youth is not new,” explained Ardeth Kapp, the Young Women general president at the time. “But because of the trend toward immorality and other ills in society and also because of the expansion of the Church into new geographical areas over the years, a more comprehensive, more explicit statement of Church standards was needed.”

The 1990 edition of For the Strength of Youth contained several more sections of what Sister Kapp said was needed—explicit statements of the Church’s standards. Youth were still taught about appropriate dress and dating, as in earlier editions, but topics like language, sexual purity, mental and physical health, and Sunday behavior were added.

There were still some specific directions on subjects such as dress. While pants and “grubbies” no longer raised concern, short shorts, tight pants, and other revealing attire, including off-the-shoulder and low cut shirts, became an issue. Youth were counseled to “dress in such a way as to bring out the best in yourself and those around you.”

2001 Edition

In 2001, FSOY expanded from just 19 pages to 44. This pamphlet was geared even more toward spiritual principles, with sections such as “Agency and Accountability,” “Gratitude” and “Go Forward with Faith.” “The Living Christ” and “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” were also added to the back of the pamphlet, and instead of a picture of youth on the front, the cover displayed a picture of the temple. The introduction to the “Dress and Appearance” section illustrates this more spiritual update: “Your body is God’s sacred creation. Respect it as a gift from God, and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show the Lord that you know how precious your body is.” Youth were not only supposed to dress appropriately because it was socially acceptable, but because of their spiritual beliefs about the body.

2011 Update

In December 2011, the Church announced it would release a new and updated version of the pamphlet. For me, though, it didn’t seem like we were really that far removed from 2001. Had things really changed that much? The 2001 edition seemed to be sufficient for today’s youth--until I looked through the 2011 edition. It’s interesting to note how much things actually have changed. A lot of material in the updated version of FSOY is the same as before, but some additions are clearly vital for our time. In the “Music and Dancing” section, for instance, youth receive this counsel: “Keep your music at a reasonable volume, and remove your earphones when others are talking to you or want you to be part of their activities.”

Another interesting and certainly important addition comes from the section “Sexual Purity.” It counsels youth to “avoid situations that invite increased temptation, such as late-night or overnight activities away from home or activities where there is a lack of adult supervision.” Nearly every section has been expanded by a paragraph or more, and there's even a whole new section--"Work and Self-Reliance." Would the Church have made these additions to the pamphlet if they weren’t important for our time?

Same Principles, Different Words

Even though FSOY has changed, the principles have remained consistent. “The standards have not changed, but times have changed,” said Elaine S. Dalton, current Young Women general president. “For the Strength of Youth has been revised to address the issues youth face today—to teach them the doctrine behind the standards and the promised blessings of obedience.”

To see the updated For the Strength of Youth pamphlet online, click here.