Mormon Life - Communication tag

How to Avoid Criticism in Relationships

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 00:05:00 -0700

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: What better way to say "Happy Valentine's Day" than by taking steps to improve your relationship? Criticism is a damaging communication pattern, and every relationship can benefit from removing it.

We live in a society where criticism has become the norm and respect a thing of the past. This is, in my professional opinion, one of the primary reasons families across the United States are deteriorating.

What does criticism look like? We are critical when we communicate our concerns in a way that can be interpreted as personally attacking or blaming. For example: “Why didn’t you call me when you were coming home late? Didn’t you realize that I was waiting for you? You always put work ahead of me and the kids. You never think about how your actions impact other people.” Clearly, there is a valid concern that may need to be expressed, but the way in which the concern was presented was very personally attacking and blaming.

Criticism is detrimental to relationships for several reasons. First, if you are critical with family members, they may feel belittled. No one likes to feel attacked, and as a result they will become defensive. It doesn’t motivate them to want to change; it only motivates them to defend themselves and save face.

Feeling belittled is especially difficult for children to deal with. When they are criticized, their character is threatened. They may begin to feel poorly about themselves. For example, many self-esteem struggles experienced by children are rooted in critical remarks directed toward them. The sting of criticism can be felt much longer than you may think.

Second, you may regret what you say later. At the time you make critical comments, you likely feel justified in saying the remark. However, it is your emotions that are talking when you are in the heat of the moment. If you are frustrated, irritated, or in some other emotionally charged state, you lose your ability to be rational and objective. Emotions can calm with time. As they do, your ability to be rational will return and you will see how the emotions got the better of you. I love the line in the popular film You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks’s character remarks: “When you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.” Even if you may think the other person deserves the zinger you give them, later on you will likely regret what was said.

Third, criticism leads to contempt and resentment. If you are critical with a loved one, they may be patient and forgiving initially. However, research has shown that feeling repeatedly criticized fuels resentment and contempt. Research also highlights that resentment and contempt are extremely toxic to any relationship. Hence, criticism is a catalyst to poisoning relationships.

If you are too critical of loved ones or if they are too critical with you, it is time for a change. Seeking the assistance of a professional may be necessary if the criticism is deeply rooted and habitual. However, you can move past it if you are willing to put forth the effort. So make that effort—the well-being of your family may depend on it.

Ways to Avoid Criticism

Complain without blame. Blaming is at the core of every criticism. If you express frustrations without pointing a finger at another, criticism can be avoided.

Express your frustrations about situations, actions, or behaviors. Human tendency is to focus on how people are bothering us or causing problems rather than the behavioral manifestations that frustrate us. For example, someone may make a critical remark such as “Why can’t you clean up after yourself?” A better way to say it would be, “I feel frustrated about how messy the house is.” The latter example focuses on the situation, rather than the person.

State positive needs. People tend to focus on what they don’t want others to do anymore. For example, a person may say to his or her spouse, “You need to stop playing on the computer all day.” The positive need is likely a desire to have more time and attention from the spouse. A positive need request would be, “I would appreciate more one-on-one time in our relationship.”

Jonathan Swinton is an LDS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He accepts self and Bishop referrals, and is available to provide marriage and family therapy services and weekend couple retreats to anyone interested. He is also available to speak on marriage issues at Relief Society and Ward events. Contact him at Swinton Counseling: 801-647-9951, swintoncounseling.com.

Defensiveness: A Marriage Communication Problem

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 00:05:00 -0600

by Jonathan Swinton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Swinton Counseling
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Defensiveness tends to be one of the key communications patterns leading to arguments. And even though it is a natural response, it can and should be controlled.

Do you ever get defensive when talking to your spouse? Does your spouse get defensive with you? Defensiveness is one of the most common negative communication patterns I see when I counsel couples. The problem is that defensiveness tends to be one of the key communication patterns leading to arguments.

It is human tendency to defend ourselves when we feel accused, attacked, or when we feel a need to clarify something. I don't think most people get defensive because they are trying to be vindictive. Rather, it is a natural response to discomfort hearing something you disagree with. However, just because it is a natural response, doesn't mean it shouldn't be controlled. Couples who can learn to avoid defensiveness will reduce disagreements significantly.

Let's explore some examples of defensiveness. Let's say a wife expresses a complaint or frustration in the relationship, the husband's response is to defend why it was done, or why he was not at fault. The problem with this is that even if the husband feels justified in the defensive response, it will likely be the catalyst for an argument. All the wife probably just wants is a listening ear, validation of what she feels, and feeling respect from her husband. The husband's defensive response sends the message that it is more important that he not look bad than that his wife's feelings are heard and validated. If we are honest with ourselves, defensive responses are self-serving. They are all about saving face, not making the other person feel better.

Another example: a husband starts to express a concern and the wife recognizes some error, misunderstanding, or misrepresentation in something the husband is saying, the wife jumps in to “correct” what he is saying. This is another sure way to start an argument. The problem with this defensive interruption is that it sends the message to the husband that his wife feels it is more important to correct him than to listen. A better reaction would be to listen, avoid the temptation to interrupt, clarify, or defend ourselves, and perhaps take personal responsibility (even if we don’t feel it is entirely our fault).

The three keys to avoiding defensiveness include:

1. Listen without judgement. Your spouse is bringing the issue up with you because they think you will listen. Do it. In so doing, don't pre-judge what you will not like about what they are saying before they say it. Listen the way a friend would listen.

2. Validate their feelings. Even if you disagree with how they see things, or if you think they misunderstood something, just validate what they are feeling. That will go a lot further in helping them feel better than any clarification you could offer.

3. Take responsibility. The adage "take one for the team" can go a long way in overcoming defensiveness. If you get defensive, focus on taking responsibility, even if you don't feel that you are entirely responsible. If you are willing to take responsibility and apologize, the issue will be resolved. No fight will follow, and your spouse will appreciate your humility. If you choose to focus on how your spouse was to blame rather than taking responsibility, you are choosing to be right and fight instead of putting your spouse and relationship first. I don't want to suggest you are to blame in every situation, no matter what your spouse is feeling. However, erring on the side of personal responsibility instead of spousal blame will help your spouse feel loved.

A brief aside: It is of course important for the spouse presenting a concern or frustration to do so in a non-critical manner. Present your feelings about situations, actions, or behaviors; don't attack your spouse.

Far too many spouses get defensive. I think it is because most don't wake up in the morning intending to hurt their spouse's feelings. However, attempts to clarify, smooth over, or defend will likely not be met with a warm reception by your spouse. By following the steps outlined above, not only will you avoid defensiveness, you will also make your spouse feel heard, valued, and loved. Doing more of that will certainly cause arguments to dissipate.

If you want more help in overcoming defensiveness or other communication issues, visit my website to see how I can help: www.swintoncounseling.com.

Dating Expert: Talking So Men Listen

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 00:06:00 -0600

by Alisa Snell
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: As a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach, I often see couples who are disconnected in some way because they don't know how to communicate in a way that makes the other partner feel respected or secure. Read these tips for both men and women on how to effectively communicate with the other sex.

In my work as a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach, I see couples become cold, withdrawn, or disconnected simply because they do not know how to communicate in a way that makes men feel trusted and respected and women feel safe and secure. The end result—they do not feel heard, and they stop listening.

To talk in a way that your partner will listen, and listen in a way that your partner will talk, follow the five steps below.  

Women, before you make a complaint or express a need:
1. Smile and act confident that he will respond well and that you both will work the situation out.

2. Touch him.

3. Express your gratitude for what he does right.

4. State your faith and trust in him and in the goodness of his intentions.

5. Tell him what you would like him to do.

For example, if he arrives twenty minutes late for the third time that month, greet him with a soft smile, warmth, and confidence. Express your appreciation for some of the things he is doing well. Then, later that evening, touch him on the arm and say, “I know you would never intentionally hurt my feelings. I also have faith that if you did hurt my feelings you would want to know. I believe in the goodness of your heart, and I trust that you want to make me happy. So I thought you should know that it makes me feel less important when you arrive late. Will you please work on that for me? It would really mean a lot to me. Thank you.”

Men, when communicating your needs:
1. Sit down, lean back, lower your voice, and keep your cool so that she will feel physically safe.

2. Avoid sarcasm, jokes that demean, criticism, moping, brooding, or the silent treatment, so that she feels emotionally safe and so you don’t appear punishing, rejecting, or manipulative.

3. Be straightforward and direct, with a combination of emotion words and logic; you’ll look strong and confident, and she will feel connected to you by your emotions rather than just pressured by your logic.

4. Touch her and affirm the qualities you admire in her so that she feels valued and loved independent of your requests or complaints.

5. Express faith that you will work it out together so that she knows she is not alone in facing the problem or at risk of being abandoned.

Do these things whether you’re requesting that she make more time for you or complaining about how her behavior toward you is hurtful and disrespectful. In any conversation, these steps are critical in getting her to listen and for keeping her talking. Men often believe that if they’re not physically threatening a woman, she should feel safe and secure. But for a woman it runs much deeper than that. She needs to feel emotionally secure as well, or she will pull back, stop sharing, deal with problems alone, put up emotional walls, lose faith and trust in you and, in time, fall out of love. Not only will these steps help her hear you better, they will build her respect for you and make you look more strong, confident, and worthy of her trust—a win-win situation for you both.

To learn more techniques like these, get the complete list of the 17 Secrets to the Male and Female Psychology (a must-read for both men and women) by signing up for my email updates at ItsYourTechnique.com.

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Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and Utah’s Dating Coach. She has been on TV and radio stations nationwide and is the author of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man and the It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique dating system.

{Single Saints} Communication: Don't Make It a Jigsaw Puzzle

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 00:03:00 -0600

by Ryan Kunz
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Too often in relationships, one party severs the communication lines without warning, leaving the other person confused and wondering what to do next. I'm calling for an end to the insanity. I’m in a relationship with a girl right now. Of course, I use the word “relationship” in its most basic sense: there is, right now, only slightly more interaction between this girl and me than there is between me and any given spear-toting pygmy in Africa. That is, I have achieved a level of interpersonal interchange with another human being. We are both aware of each other’s existence; of that I am certain.

It wasn’t always like this. Just a month or so ago, she and I—for purposes of anonymity, let’s call her Princess Leia—were on pretty cozy terms, comfortable with sharing with one another intimate secrets and personal matters. Or perhaps I completely misread the situation. That’s definitely been known to happen. The point is, I thought things were going pretty well.

Then Princess Leia disappeared. Oh, I’m pretty certain she’s still alive and well, as opposed to kidnapped by mobsters, teleported by accident to the Cretaceous period, or—might as well stick with theme here—destroyed with her home planet under the guns of the Death Star. Her Facebook, as well as rumors gleaned from others who know her, indicates that she has suffered none of those fates. And yet she still refuses to respond to any of my texts or calls.

Some girls may be wondering why I can't a take a simple hint when the Princess is clearly delivering her message with the subtlety of a Sasquatch wielding a chainsaw: She has tired of our association and no longer wishes for my company. I can accept that; there are, as they say, other fish in the sea. However, girls (and guys, I suppose), it would be most beneficial if you were to communicate your reasons for your sudden severing of ties. That way, whatever mistakes I made can be remedied in time for the next girl.

The point here, aside from bemoaning my utterly unremarkable and unoriginal relationship woes, is that I value communication. I don’t care if I suddenly started smelling like the unholy union of rotting fish and unwashed laundry. I don’t care if I developed without warning a colony of pus-spewing boils on my face, started referring to myself in the third person, or began buying inexplicable quantities of Spice Girls albums. Communication is still essential. Please tell me if I’ve picked up some weird habit, you’re no longer interested because of the unexpected arrival of a guy way better looking than me, or I’m simply being too needy. Please do not just shrug me off and expect me to put the pieces together myself. I’ve never had the patience for jigsaw puzzles.

When a girl fails to communicate her reasons for no longer wishing to associate with me, I don’t know if she’s being flaky or if there is something I genuinely need to work on. This may cause me to panic and do something rash, or it might make me develop issues of uncertainty and hesitance in future relationships. It may also lead to continued mistakes on my part that no girl bothers to correct.

I’m not saying the communications disruption is a wholly female phenomenon. I’ve heard plenty of stories of guys who display the same careless disregard for proper articulation of their problems in a relationship.

The point? When you fail to communicate, I don’t know if there’s something I did or something you did that caused the relationship to fizzle, and this leads to misunderstandings that may easily snowball into dating issues later. Can we please talk it over? Princess Leia, if you’re out there, even if you’re held hostage by giant bat creatures from Mars who insist on withholding your phone, I take these things personally. Also, I wouldn’t bore the reader with my own banal relationship issues if I didn’t think others could find application in it. So, for the interest of many readers, future generations, myself, and maybe even those giant bat people holding you at gunpoint, please talk. Tell me to buzz off if you want. Or tell me something more favorable. Either way, the truth is preferable to worrying in darkness.

Am I harboring unrealistic expectations? Is the gulf between male and female modus operandi too wide to even bother communicating these kinds of things? Or should both guys and girls try harder to assure the other isn't left in the dark? To quote Count Rugen from The Princess Bride: "This is for posterity, so please ... be honest."

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Ryan Kunz is proud of the fact that he is a Star Wars nerd and remains socially adept and reasonably conscious of fashion. He enjoys writing, hiking, spending time in intellectually stimulating company, and talking about himself in the third person. He will someday be a bestselling novelist, but in the meantime is studying advertising at BYU.

Ins and Outs of Body Language

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Body language is a fact of life — you use it every day, even if you aren’t aware of what your language is telling others. We'll introduce you to some of the basics of body language, give you tips on how to act in social and home settings, and dispel some of the body language myths that might have you reading others the wrong way.

Body Essentials Eyes. When talking to a person in a formal setting, your eyes should be focused on the upper triangle - the base made by the eyes and the point in the middle of the forehead. Keep in mind that if someone is blinking more often than usual (six to eight blinks per minute), they might unconsciously be trying to block you or your words.

Hands. When using your hands to gesture in conversation, having your palms open and facing up is associated with truth and honesty. It is non-threatening and comes across much better than a palm down sign. As far as handshakes go, it is best to match the other person's grip.

Legs. You might have noticed your leg jigging during a particularly boring meeting. Leg jigging is considered to be the brain attempting to escape from whatever is being experienced. In addition to that, the direction in which the feet are pointing shows where you want to go. Oftentimes, you will turn your body toward someone, but if you don't really want to be with them, your feet will face the door. Depending on the situation, you can use either to your advantage.

Personal space. There are three zones that we should be aware of when we are interacting with people. The intimate zone, which ranges from 6 to 18 inches, is reserved especially for those who are emotionally close to us. The personal zone, 18 to 24 inches, is the space we need at parties and social activities. The social zone, 4 to 12 feet, is how far we naturally stand from strangers and people we don't know very well.

If you move into someone's zone where you aren't welcome, you are bound to make them feel uncomfortable. Coming into someone's intimate zone too quickly can create a bad first impression.

In the Home Knowing body language can help you communicate with your kids. If you want your kids to take out the garbage, ask with your palms facing up - people are far more likely to agree when making this hand gesture. If they continue to disobey, taking a dominant body stance (feet apart, arms folded, making yourself look as big as possible) might change their minds.

Smiling. One communication flaw parents, especially mothers, often do is smiling while disciplining. You might think that this will keep the correction from hurting your children's feelings, but if you smile at your children when chastising them for forgetting to feed the dog, they aren't going to take you seriously. MRI scans have shown that when a person is being smiled at, the brain lights up just as it would if they were receiving a reward.

Detecting a lie. The first step in checking for a lie is seeing something outside the norm. If your child usually talks with his hands in his pockets, and suddenly starts gesturing dramatically, that's a sign that you should be paying attention. People who are lying often show at least some body language alerts, like sweating, sudden movements, minor twitches of muscles, and changes in voice. If you are concerned that your child might be lying to you, confront him or her about it.

Spousal "discussions." Communicating with your spouse through body language can give you an advantage as well. If you are disagreeing about something, don't stand or sit directly in front of your spouse. Position yourself next to him or her at a diagonal angle, since being straight across from someone can seem confrontational. Tilt your head to show you are listening to the other side of the story. When it is your turn to talk, don't be stiff. Use gestures to convey your thoughts - gestures help people think more clearly and cause both parties to understand the words better.

The Social World You might feel a bit uncertain about what to do in a new ward, at a church party, or even just at a friendly gathering:

To appear approachable, women should keep their feet about 6 inches apart, and men should keep theirs about 6 to 10 inches apart. This stance makes you look inviting - legs too close together look timid, and legs too wide apart look intimidating.

If you are coming to an event to make friends, you don't want to sit at a table with your spouse or another couple. That is saying, "This table is our space. Stay out." Instead, lean against the wall, stand by a window or an indoor plant, and make an inviting semi-circle.

Keep in mind that in a social setting, there is always someone who needs to be rescued, whether you are at a party or in Sunday School. When you see someone whose eyes are darting and they look small and uncomfortable, you might want to do them a favor and politely invite them to your conversation.

Body Language Myths

Eye contact. Most people believe that a liar can't look you in the eye. This is untrue. In fact, pathological liars make eye contact better than normal people.
Hand signals. Often, people will put their hands behind their backs to show that they are powerful. Surveys show that people actually find this untrustworthy and suspicious, not powerful.
One signal means everything. Body language can be deceiving. For example, you could be talking with someone and she could wrinkle her forehead, which makes it seem like she is upset with you over something you've said. On the contrary, she might have just remembered that she left the garage door up or the front door unlocked - situations that have nothing to do with you. This is why you need to look for clusters - groups of body language signals that indicate a feeling.
The 7/38/55 rule. Many people have said that 55 percent of communication is body language, 33 percent is tone of voice, and only 7 percent relates to the actual words. If this were completely true, we should be able to understand what people are saying even when speaking in a different language, since 93 percent is based on body language and voice tones. These figures only correlate to a situation in which you are forming an attitude about someone. Body language and tone of voice are what we use to assess whether or not we like the person delivering the message.

Are You Listening?

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kedrik Hamblin
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Where were you when those famously tragic words brought your attention crashing back? Maybe you were on a date, chatting on the phone, sitting in an important business meeting, or perhaps staring straight into the eyes of the one you love when you were asked, “Weren’t you listening?” Well, weren’t you? Listening is a vital part of all relationships; it is the bridge of true understanding between people. In reverse, when it is absent, misunderstanding prevails and people don't relate to one another.

"The need to be paid attention to and appreciated is one of the deepest needs in human nature, and unfortunately for many people, much of the time, that need is frustrated," says Dr. Michael P. Nichols, a professor of psychology at the College of William and Mary.

Studies show that great listeners have better relationships and are perceived as more helpful. Employees mention good listening skills among the top qualities of a boss. Perhaps most importantly, when you listen, people are more willing to listen to you.

This oft-overlooked skill is crucial to our lives, but consider this: you were taught how to read, write, even to speak, but did anyone ever teach you how to listen?

Nichols, who has authored several books on listening, says most people aren't taught how to listen. "It's thought to be something that happens automatically and it's thought to be something that's easy," he says. Most listening that is taught is active listening, in which a person learns to repeat the information heard. While that may be useful in education settings, simply remembering what someone said isn't the factor of listening that helps a person relate to others.

What It Really Involves "What distinguishes good listening is a sincere intention to try to understand what the other person wants to say," says Nichols. "You don't achieve that with any kind of little formula. You don't achieve that by parroting back exactly what was said."

One of the key words for listening is empathy. Empathy means to understand and be sensitive to another. A person who is empathetic isn't passive, but they are truly trying to gain meaning from the other person. If a listener is not empathetic, not interested in the speaker, he or she will not be able to focus as well. They may be hearing, but they aren't listening.

As listeners, we have to maintain an open and curious mind. Listening fails when we aren't open to what a person is saying. Close-minded people often protest anything against their views, thus eliminating further listening.

You don't need to remember everything a person is saying. Sometimes you need to listen to the essence of what a person is saying, the main idea. This is especially important if the person is talking about emotions. What is the emotion and what does it stem from?

Barriers to Listening Most of us aren't aware of our habits and patterns that prohibit true listening. Becoming aware of these habits can better help us improve our listening.

The first major barrier to listening is that "most of us are waiting for our turn and we don't wait very long," Nichols says. We tend to be self-centered and can't wait to add our own comments to the conversation.

This may happen partly because we believe those speaking have more power than those listening. This may be true part of the time, but an individual that speaks only will never understand others. John Marshall, a prominent political figure in early American history, once said, "To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well."

The second major barrier is reacting emotionally to what the speaker is saying. When listening, things can be said that ignite ideas, feelings, and opinions in us. This can happen in many ways.

For instance, when a loved one telling us about pain they are experiencing, it is difficult for us to simply let them talk. Most people want to give advice or do something to ease the pain. But many times, the person just wants someone to listen.

In other instances, people say things we don't agree with and we interrupt with our opinions, which we often give strongly - and the arguing starts. Controlling our emotions will help us focus on the speaker and avoid quarreling, and maybe even come to a new - and better - idea.

In essence, to become better listeners, we have to forget ourselves.

People Who Have a Hard Time Listening Some may have had experiences that led them to not listen as well. Also, occupying certain roles at work, in the home, or elsewhere, may place stress on a person to accomplish an intended goal and not necessarily focus on others. Families are the classic example. Although children are frequently portrayed as the culprits of poor listening, parents are often just as guilty.

"Parents want to make their kids' lives work out for them, want them to be happy and successful, want them to do what they're told," Nichols says. "So, all of that makes it hard for parents to let go of the reins of the relationship, because listening involves quite a bit of surrender. It's very difficult. A good listener has to say, 'Okay, you drive. I'll just sit here.' Parents have trouble doing that with kids."

Husbands and wives also have a hard time listening to each other, in part, for some of the same reasons. Listening will work best when one spouse sacrifices his or her control. "In a relationship where one party is a good listener, the other person begins to feel appreciated and understood, begins to open up more, and is then more likely to be in a position to be willing and likely to listen to the other person."

When to Listen You may be able to listen anytime, but everyone is a better listener when they're wide awake, not hungry, and not in a hurry. For meetings and other important conversations, suggest a time and a location that will allow you to concentrate on those to whom you are listening.

As a listener, you may run into difficulties. If a person finds someone willing to listen to them, they may rely too much on that person. You can always listen for a few minutes and then politely acknowledge the need to return to what you were doing before.

Even though true listening is important, Nichols suggests that it be used judiciously. "Listening takes work, and you should save it for relationships that count."

Listening is a skill, but it isn't rocket science. Anyone can learn to be a good listener.

The next time you find yourself in a position to listen, remember, you have one mouth, but you have two ears. Sit back, forget yourself, and engage with the other person. Then, instead of being questioned on your listening abilities, you might get something like, "Thank you for listening."

10 Phrases that Prevent Arguments

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Claire Thornock Brazelton
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How many times have you tried to offer someone advice, asked for help, or simply began a friendly conversation, only to have the interaction turn into an argument neither of you anticipated? Here are ten phrases to help keep everyone comfortable. Many contentions between family, friends, and coworkers occur because of a little-understood aspect of social IQ: using language that prevents conflicts. By watching what you say and approaching a conversation at a different angle, you have the power to keep the peace between yourself and those you interact with every day.

Elizabeth Fawcett, a family therapist and a professor of marriage enhancement at Brigham Young University, says that lack of positive or nice communication is one of the reasons contentions arise in marriage and in general. "I have talked to many married couples who feel that their spouse's heart is really in the right place when they talk, but they are saying things to them in a way that is hurtful," she says.

Speaking in an offensive way, Fawcett believes, is a key trigger that brings contention into a conversation, which causes listening on either side to decrease and communication to come to a halt. "If you speak in an offensive way, it makes the other person defensive. . . . They perceive that they are under attack and then proceed to shut down," she says. "When we find ourselves in that mode, we are not capable of hearing what is being said."

Fawcett believes that good communication is a reflection of the receiver. "It's not what we say that makes good communication, it's what we are hearing from the things that are said to us, and if we can't understand what is being said, that is when the problem occurs."

To help conversations avoid the evolution to argument, Fawcett suggests using these phrases the next time you are the sender or receiver in a discussion. You might be surprised how these phrases keep the peace and harmony between you and your spouse, friends, or colleagues.

1. "This is what I am hearing you say; is it what you are trying to tell me?" When you feel that you don't fully understand what is being said, repeat back in your words what you think the other person is saying. Stating things the way you are hearing them allows the speaker to rethink what he or she is saying and put it in different words that make it easier for you to understand.

2. "I have an opinion about this; are you interested in hearing it?" When listening to a spouse's or friend's problems, you may want to give your opinion on the situation. Always ask first if it is wanted. Half the time, people just want to vent, and if you interrupt and try to fix something, it may cause contention. By asking, it shows that you are really trying to help the situation. This phrase works especially well with children and teenagers.

3. "Let's just put that book on the shelf for now." Subjects discussed over and over again between spouses or colleagues can often cause tempers to flare. Setting the subject aside for a time allows nerves to calm and the conversation to stay positive. This phrase can be helpful for keeping the peace until a time when both sides can come back to the conversation ready to speak calmly about it.

4. "I need some help. Would you be willing to help me?" Some arguments start because family members or coworkers don't carry their share of responsibility. Instead of accusing the person of being lazy and rude, be assertive and ask for help - and be specific. "I need your help. If you wash the dishes, I will load them in the dishwasher." Say it in a friendly way, and don't be overly demanding.

5. "I am not trying to bring up any problems from the past, but . . . " It's hard to keep the peace between you and a spouse if you are constantly bringing up faults from the past. Don't bring them up unless you absolutely have to. Reassure your spouse, if you must talk about it, that you are not trying to rehash past injuries, but that this topic is important to you, and you feel you should discuss it.

6. "I need to talk. When is a good time for you?" Whenever you want the full attention of someone while you're speaking, scheduling a time to talk is often the best option. Between spouses, it's best to choose a time other than when your husband is watching the big game or your wife is on the phone with a friend. Finding time that fits both of your schedules allows for a more meaningful conversation and the avoidance of an argument. Your boss or coworkers will also appreciate this phrase.

7. "I am sorry you are upset." Oftentimes if friends or family don't take the advice you gave them, they still come back to complain about their situation. Instead of saying "I told you so," try to understand why your advice wasn't taken and really listen to the problem. By making a rude remark and rubbing in that your advice was best, you may start an argument, or worse, lose the trust of that person.

8. "I think you already know my opinion about this, but I can listen." If a friend always finds herself in the same problem and you have already given her your opinion multiple times, set a clear boundary. Tell her that you are willing to listen to the problem, but that she already knows your opinion; tell her if she hasn't liked your opinion so far, you might not be the right person to get advice from on this issue.

9. "Well, I have a different opinion about this subject, but thanks for yours." Most contention occurs because two people disagree. The goal in this situation is to be polite and end the conversation. Find a balance between the "me and you" factor in the conversation, and admit to having a different opinion but thank someone for theirs.

10. "I agree to disagree, and let's leave it at that." If you know that you are never going to see eye to eye with someone about a specific topic during a conversation, just agree to disagree and let the conversation end. It's not worth the time or energy to contend with someone about something when you know neither of you is going to change your mind about it.

Communication is perhaps the most vital element in any relationship. "The most important thing [in avoiding] arguments in communication is to slow down the process, try to hear what someone is saying, and express how we truly feel," Fawcett says. Making the effort to improve communication and prevent contention can allow us to see the other person more clearly and respect their opinions and individuality.

Young Women Lesson 8: Improving Communication Skills

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Jeffrey R. Holland
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity. The Prophet Joseph Smith deepened our understanding of the power of speech when he taught, "It is by words . . . [that] every being works when he works by faith. God said, 'Let there be light: and there was light.' Joshua spake, and the great lights which God had created stood still. Elijah commanded, and the heavens were stayed for the space of three years and six months, so that it did not rain. . . . All this was done by faith. . . . Faith, then, works by words; and with [words] its mightiest works have been, and will be, performed."1 Like all gifts "which cometh from above," words are "sacred, and must be spoken with care, and by constraint of the Spirit."2

It is with this realization of the power and sanctity of words that I wish to caution us, if caution is needed, regarding how we speak to each other and how we speak of ourselves.

There is a line from the Apocrypha which puts the seriousness of this issue better than I can. It reads, "The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones."3 With that stinging image in mind, I was particularly impressed to read in the book of James that there was a way I could be "a perfect man."

Said James: "For in many things we offend all. [But] if any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body."

Continuing the imagery of the bridle, he writes: "Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.

"Behold also . . . ships, which though they be . . . great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm."

Then James makes his point: "The tongue is [also] a little member. . . . [But] behold, how great a [forest (Greek)] a little fire [can burn].

" . . . So is the tongue [a fire] among our members, . . . it defileth the whole body, . . . it is set on fire of hell.

"For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, . . . hath been tamed of mankind:

"But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

"Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.

"Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be."4

Well, that is pretty straightforward! Obviously James doesn't mean our tongues are always iniquitous, nor that everything we say is "full of deadly poison." But he clearly means that at least some things we say can be destructive, even venomous--and that is a chilling indictment for a Latter-day Saint! The voice that bears profound testimony, utters fervent prayer, and sings the hymns of Zion can be the same voice that berates and criticizes, embarrasses and demeans, inflicts pain and destroys the spirit of oneself and of others in the process. "Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing," James grieves. "My brethren [and sisters], these things ought not so to be."

Is this something we could all work on just a little? Is this an area in which we could each try to be a little more like a "perfect" man or woman?

Husbands, you have been entrusted with the most sacred gift God can give you--a wife, a daughter of God, the mother of your children who has voluntarily given herself to you for love and joyful companionship. Think of the kind things you said when you were courting, think of the blessings you have given with hands placed lovingly upon her head, think of yourself and of her as the god and goddess you both inherently are, and then reflect on other moments characterized by cold, caustic, unbridled words. Given the damage that can be done with our tongues, little wonder the Savior said, "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man."5 A husband who would never dream of striking his wife physically can break, if not her bones, then certainly her heart by the brutality of thoughtless or unkind speech. Physical abuse is uniformly and unequivocally condemned in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If it is possible to be more condemning than that, we speak even more vigorously against all forms of sexual abuse. Today, I speak against verbal and emotional abuse of anyone against anyone, but especially of husbands against wives. Brethren, these things ought not to be.

In that same spirit we speak to the sisters as well, for the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender. Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman's words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks. Let it never be said of our home or our ward or our neighborhood that "the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity . . . [burning] among our members."

May I expand this counsel to make it a full family matter. We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don't say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child's view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child's faith in us and their faith in God. Be constructive in your comments to a child--always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget--and to forgive. And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture's obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are "enough."

In all of this, I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak--or at least think--critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable.

I love what Elder Orson F. Whitney once said: "The spirit of the gospel is optimistic; it trusts in God and looks on the bright side of things. The opposite or pessimistic spirit drags men down and away from God, looks on the dark side, murmurs, complains, and is slow to yield obedience."6 We should honor the Savior's declaration to "be of good cheer."7 (Indeed, it seems to me we may be more guilty of breaking that commandment than almost any other!) Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself. Try not to complain and moan incessantly. As someone once said, "Even in the golden age of civilization someone undoubtedly grumbled that everything looked too yellow."

I have often thought that Nephi's being bound with cords and beaten by rods must have been more tolerable to him than listening to Laman and Lemuel's constant murmuring.8 Surely he must have said at least once, "Hit me one more time. I can still hear you." Yes, life has its problems, and yes, there are negative things to face, but please accept one of Elder Holland's maxims for living--no misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse.

Paul put it candidly, but very hopefully. He said to all of us: "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but [only] that which is good . . . [and] edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

"And grieve not the holy Spirit of God. . . .

"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you. . . .

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."9

In his deeply moving final testimony, Nephi calls us to "follow the Son [of God], with full purpose of heart," promising that "after ye have . . . received the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost, [ye] can speak with a new tongue, yea, even with the tongue of angels. . . . And . . . how could ye speak with the tongue of angels save it were by the Holy Ghost? Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ."10 Indeed, Christ was and is "the Word," according to John the Beloved,11 full of grace and truth, full of mercy and compassion.

So, brothers and sisters, in this long eternal quest to be more like our Savior, may we try to be "perfect" men and women in at least this one way now--by offending not in word, or more positively put, by speaking with a new tongue, the tongue of angels. Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity, the three great Christian imperatives so desperately needed in the world today. With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail. I pray that my words, even on this challenging subject, will be encouraging to you, not discouraging, that you can hear in my voice that I love you, because I do. More importantly, please know that your Father in Heaven loves you and so does His Only Begotten Son. When They speak to you--and They will--it will not be in the wind, nor in the earthquake, nor in the fire, but it will be with a voice still and small, a voice tender and kind.12 It will be with the tongue of angels. May we all rejoice in the thought that when we say edifying, encouraging things unto the least of these, our brethren and sisters and little ones, we say it unto God.13 In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Notes 1. Lectures on Faith (1985), 72-73; emphasis added.

2. D&C 63:64.

3. Ecclesiasticus 28:17.

4. James 3:2-10; emphasis added.

5. Matthew 15:11.

6. In Conference Report, Apr. 1917, 43.

7. Matthew 14:27; Mark 6:50; John 16:33.

8. See 1 Nephi 3:28–31; 18:11-15.

9. Ephesians 4:29-32.

10. 2 Nephi 31:13-14; 32:2-3.

11. John 1:1.

12. See 1 Kings 19:11-12.

13. See Matthew 25:40.

"Draw Upon Your Experience"

Mon, 01 Sep 2003 14:04:00 -0600

by Richard Eubank
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: It is not easy to describe an object you cannot see. Sometimes it is even difficult to describe what we do see. Encourage the group to practice patience with other and with themselves as they learn to communicate well. Song: # 124 "Be Still, My Soul"

Items Needed:

A brown paper sack

An object with an interesting shape

Paper and pencil for each family member

Previous Preparation:

Place the object into the paper sack. The participants should not see the object.

Lesson Idea:

Give each participant paper and a pencil. Inform them that they are to draw the object found in the paper sack. They will not be able to look at it or feel it. There will be one person who will, without lifting out the object or looking into the sack, describe the object by feeling its shape so all can draw it correctly. This participant should not name the object.

After one person has tried to describe the object, have a second person come forward, and under the same rules, proceed to help the group complete the drawing. After the participants feel they have the object drawn, show them the object and compare it with their drawings.

From this experience, one develops an appreciation for being able to communicate well. It is not easy to describe an object you cannot see. Sometimes it is even difficult to describe what we do see. Encourage the group to practice patience with other and with themselves as they learn to communicate well.

Scriptures:

Joshua 18: 1-8

Mormon 4:11

Colossians 4: 6

D&C 88: 78

Does Your Teen Really Listen? Do You?

Sat, 28 Sep 2002 08:05:00 -0600

by Anna Brunson McIntyre
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: It’s possible that while you were giving one-sided lectures, your teen was looking for two-sided conversations. If your teen won't listen, chances are you might be spending too much time slinging words and not enough time receiving them.

Imagine trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t understand English. Would you repeatedly shout the information, assuming the person will eventually figure out what you’re trying to say? Of course, the answer is “no.” Instead, you’d ask someone to translate, consult a foreign language dictionary, or take time to learn the language. This same problem arises in families with teenagers.

The language barrier between you and your teenager can be as difficult to bridge as a gaping ravine. While you recognize adolescence as one of the big mysteries of the universe, you still somehow believe that, because you’re speaking “plain English,” your teen should understand—and obey. So you lob big chunks of instructions or advice across the void, hoping the teen will somehow receive, understand, and follow your advice. When your teen does the exact opposite, you grumble, “He (or she) just doesn’t listen to me!”

The gap between parents and teenagers is seldom solely the fault of the teen. If your teen won’t listen, chances are you’re spending too much time slinging words and not enough time receiving them. Instead of shouting across the void, try closing the gap. Build a bridge so you can get up close and personal, and really communicate. Learn what—and who—young people listen to, and the mystery will begin to fade.

If you’re like most parents, you’re not sure how that gap between you and your kid got there in the first place. Ever since your teen was a toddler, you’ve warned him about hot stoves, crossing the street, and running with scissors. A stern “No!” was all it took to steer your child away from danger. Now, the hot stoves have become drugs, sex, and violence. Your first instinct is to just say “No!” even louder. Unfortunately, toddler time-outs and “Simon-says” won’t work anymore.

Teens are learning independence, and they’re making decisions on their own. It’s possible that while you were giving one-sided lectures, your teen was looking for two-sided conversations. If your teen no longer listens, maybe it’s time to change your tone. Stop throwing advice or commands across that gap and start building a bridge.

If you think communication is “talking,” that’s where you need to start. A big part of effective communication is simply listening and being available. Take stock of things you say that change your “benign snippets of conversation” into something your teen considers a direct assault.

Lectures and interrogations often make teens feel inferior, then rebellious. “We need to have a talk,” and “Because I said so” are condescending statements teens rightly resent. Before you ask, “What in the world were you thinking?,” stop for a minute and try figuring out what in the world he was thinking. Viewed from the teen’s perspective, an action that shocked you may not seem quite so outrageous.

Slang can’t be blamed for making the teen/parent language barrier so vast. The problem isn’t caused by nouns, adjectives and verbs; it’s a matter of values and motivations. At the same time, it takes a keen mind and ear to interpret what you’re hearing.

Ask your teen why he makes certain decisions, and he may simply say, “Because it’s cool.”

Translation: “Despite what you think, I’m actually quite rational. Right now, the values that motivate my decisions are different than yours. Things like fitting in, popularity, and new experiences are more important to me now than they’ll be five years later. All teens feel that way. The things I do now may seem stupid to you, but they make perfect sense to me.”

Ask why your teen listens to his friends’ advice. You’ll hear, “Because they’re cool.”

Translation: “I listen to advice that helps me get what I want—not what you want me to want. I listen to people I trust, and who are experts in things I think are important. Just because you’re older and live under the same roof doesn’t automatically make you an expert. You need to prove yourself and show me some respect. You act a certain way with your friends and your boss. Why can’t you act the same way with me?”

Honestly listen to your teen and you’ll begin to figure out how younger minds work. Be the kind of person a teenager listens to. Seek the kind of credibility in your teenager’s eyes that will allow you to influence his decisions. That doesn’t mean you need to pierce your tongue or ride a motorcycle. It may seem unlikely, but parents can be cool, too.

Take things one step at a time. Your bridge needn’t start as a massive exchange of emotions and thoughts. Have conversations where there isn’t a planned objective. Don’t always have point you’re trying to get across. If you can’t comfortably be in a room together unless the TV or radio is on, fix that first. Work on a project side by side. Learn to laugh together before dealing with more serious topics. Learn how your teen thinks and what interests him. Tell him how you feel about things—even things that scare you. Be blunt. Be honest. Most important: be available.

Building a bridge across the parent/teen gap isn’t a quick fix. You can’t accomplish it in three steps, and you won’t necessarily see results in 14 days. There’s no money-back guarantee. When all is said and done, some bridges will be built of strong granite, while others will resemble a rickety Boy Scout rope bridge.

Once your bridge is built, however, it will no longer be necessary to push large chunks of advice across. A properly constructed bridge means continuing, two-way communication. That’s the real key to understanding—and being understood.