Mormon Life - Parenting

Kids in the Kitchen

Sat, 04 Sep 2010 14:00:00 -0600

by Lorae Bowden
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: With the return of school and the daily grind of schedules, it’s time for education of another kind: kitchen savvy. Teaching kids to know their way around the kitchen can save you time, money, and heartache. My daughter Sarah came dejectedly home from the first day of "real cooking" in her sixth grade home economics class. "It wasn't what I thought," she confessed. The first project - smoothies - had turned out wonderfully, but was too basic for an 11-year-old who regularly bakes bread at home. What shocked her most, however, was that she had been the only member of her group who had ever hand-washed dishes. "They didn't know that dishes should be washed in hot water," she exclaimed, "or how much soap to use, or that the soap should be rinsed off!"

I sympathize with middle and high school home ec teachers, who try to give a fulfilling experience to both kids who can make a meal from scratch as well as kids who have never warmed up a TV dinner in the microwave - all in the same class period.

There are so many great extracurricular options for improving children's opportunities that many parents don't consider basic cooking and cleanup to be a priority for their kids. On the other hand, here are a few things to think about.

Save Time and Money Teaching children to cook can dramatically cut home food costs. Real cooking is definitely cheaper than restaurants, fast food, and even frozen or pre-packaged meals. Besides, kids need more to do than play computer games, right? Have them cut up veggies for a stir-fry or peel potatoes for a soup.

Better Health Research shows that today's kids will have shorter life spans with more health problems than their parents - a first in centuries. A lack of understanding food and how it works is part of that problem. Children who know how to cook are more aware of the health benefits of food and feel more in control of the food choices they make.

Lifetime Benefit Kitchen skills will benefit children their whole lives. Most of us put our kids in sports, dance, and music because we want them to learn internal skills like sportsmanship, collaboration, communication, discipline, and determination - not because we expect them to be a pro ball player or prima ballerina or concertmistress. Physical skill takes second place to the character built. However, cooking, menu planning, grocery shopping, and washing dishes build character and useful skills that last a lifetime.

Learning how to cook builds self-esteem, sibling and parent connections, and family values, not to mention reading, math, and science skills. Put a child in charge of dinner for a night, and watch him or her learn responsibility and love it!

Kids want to feel grown up and in charge, so why not let them? Admittedly, it might take a little extra parenting effort at first, but eventually it pays off and you can take a break from a meal once in a while. Even parents who let their very young children help out in the kitchen will find that the involvement leads to less picky eaters and helps eradicate much of the before-dinner chaos.

Here are some age-appropriate ideas to get you and your kids started toward some great kitchen memories and skill learning.

Ages 2–4

Set the table. Learn visual place setting, count number of people, make sure all components are there—forks, knives, cups, napkins, etc.
Put condiments on the table—salt, pepper, butter, dressing, etc.
Talk about foods that are healthy "all the time" foods or less healthy "sometimes" foods.

Ages 5–7

Get things from freezer or pantry; open cans, stir, make toast.
Dish cleaning - wash, dry, load dishwasher, rinse off food, compost.
Note food groups used in a meal.

Ages 8–10

Make a green or fruit salad, peel and cut vegetables, and slice bread.
Measure ingredients and follow a simple recipe.
Dish cleaning—all aspects.
Put away leftovers properly.
Evaluate a meal for its health and use of food groups.
Discuss which dishes or ingredients were least or most expensive.

Ages 10 and up

Make a simple meal or dessert and clean it up.
Help plan the menu for the week and discuss whether it is healthy and uses all food groups.
Help shop for meal ingredients and calculate per person cost of a dinner, a day’s meals, or a week’s meals.

Maybe it’s time to add some kitchen time to family time. How are your kids going to stack up when they are adults and in charge of their own eating? Will they know the basics of living on their own? We have seen a strong economy founder. While we hope the best for our kids, knowing how to be frugal and work with their food resources is critical to self-sufficiency. Kitchen savvy is a big part of that preparation.

Running a Tight Ship

Sat, 07 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Marie Calder Ricks
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Raising children is hard work. It begins the day they are born and seems to continue even when they have flown the coop and nested elsewhere. While they are under your direct stewardship, however, there are eight simple, important skills that will make for a more peaceful life for the whole family. Teaching families the skills necessary for a successful home life requires patience and know-how. As a professional organizer who specializes in helping families function better, I have firsthand experience with this fact. And in the past 25 years, I have discovered eight essential skills that have come to my aid over and over again as I've helped families find answers to their organization challenges, work together as a team, and increase their sense of personal responsibility. These skills are best taught to family members one at a time - perhaps in a family meeting where instruction can be given, training can happen, and practicing can be done. Then the skill can be practiced for a week or two until the new routine becomes a more permanent habit.

Skill #1: Individual responsibility leads to group success. Make clear and definitive assignments to each family member. In many families I work with, there is no clear understanding of where the children's responsibilities end and the parents' jobs begin. The muddled responsibility line causes never-ending challenges. You can change that situation right away.

As an example, let's talk about laundry. If children are in charge of putting their soiled clothing in the dirty clothes basket in the bathroom when they bathe or shower, this skill should be taught and practiced. It is the parents’ role to make the expectations clear and then offer motivation to get the chores done in a timely manner, day after day.

I often suggest that families implement individual "laundry" responsibilities by having a family meeting where it is decided who does what and when. In this meeting, it might be concluded that Mom will do laundry on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. All family members are to put their dirty clothes in the bathroom baskets when they bathe or shower. Any other clothing that needs Mom's special attention is to go in the dirty clothes basket in the laundry room.

Dinner on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening will be served only after family members have put their clean laundry away. To remind all dinner-comers of their responsibilities, place plates upside down on the table. Then, turn the plates over as each person reports that his or her freshly laundered clothes have been hung in the closet or placed in the appropriate drawers. Such a plan is sure to lead to group success.

Skill #2: Bedrooms are a mini-home. Make beds and tidy bedrooms every morning. A made or unmade bed in and of itself is not important. The skill you are working to achieve is the steadiness of doing something simple day after day so it becomes a part of the "background" of your lifestyle. In addition, when all family members make their beds and tidy their bedrooms each morning, much of the private space of the home is kept neat with just a little effort on the part of each family member.

I have found it useful to have a standards sheet for family members new to this skill. Each morning they can check off the various items needing their attention (such as making the bed, hanging up clothes, etc.). Having such a sheet is also useful for communicating the expectations of the parent to the child when it is time to check the bedroom.

Skill #3: Help out at meal time. Clear your place at the table. Push your chair in at the table. Put one additional food item away. This skill is useful to relieve mealtime stress from the cook and dishwasher. It shows family members that if everyone helps a little bit, then a lot of the work can be done quickly.

Again, it is important that each family member be specifically in charge of his or her individual dishes and one other item after the meal is completed. Mom might assign specific tasks by saying, "Jon, you are in charge of the pepper and salt. Rachel, you can take care of the napkins. Michael, you get to be our butter dish waiter by putting it away. I'll do the leftovers, and Dad says he'll wipe the table after meals. We'll all push in our own chairs. With everyone helping a bit, the dinner dishes will be done in no time at all."

Skill #4: Don’t put it down, put it away. Everyone keeps their personal items picked up, especially in the public areas of the home. This skill is somewhat elusive because it takes self-discipline.

When I work with families on this skill, we set up a mock situation. After taking a tour of the home, we decide upon one area of action. I usually suggest focusing on the family room. In our mock situation, I place several magazines around on the couches, an empty glass on the end table, and some shoes near the TV. Then a discussion is held about items that had been put down instead of being put away. I then ask for a volunteer and time one family member as he or she cleans up the mock messiness to see how long it takes.

Of course, putting items away is not about time, it is about habit. I establish this idea by placing the items in a messy state again and letting a second family member try to beat the first "put away" time. And on and on we go with the game.

The goal for the next week is to have a family room that is returned to order again and again because family members using the room put their items away, not put them down.

Skill #5: Learn to finish. Flush the toilet. Make sure there is sufficient toilet paper. Hang up your towel after bathing or showering. Leave the bathroom as neat as or neater than you found it. The skill of finishing is best taught initially in the room that sees a lot of family members each day and can become quite messy without consistent "finishing."

With younger children, it is enough to focus on flushing the toilet, checking the toilet paper, and helping them hang up their towel after bathing. With older children, teenagers, and adults, the skills might include washing their toothpaste spittle down the sink, putting their toothbrush and the toothpaste away, and getting their dirty clothes inside the laundry basket.

Again, a family meeting might be held where the specifics of what a "finished" bathroom looks like are discussed and clarified. Successful "finishing" marks could merit a treat at the end of the week.

Skill #6: Seek to serve. Help Mom or Dad 15 minutes every day doing what they want you to do. Mom or Dad will, in turn, do what you would like to do once a week on "your day." Kids spend a lot of time whining about having too much to do around the house just with regular chores. Yet there are special circumstances that seem to come up each day where a little extra help would really make a difference to most parents.

Thus the skill of service. Ask family members to come to you sometime during the day and ask how they can help out. Set a timer for 15 minutes and let your children serve you in unique ways, according to the demands of the day.

This is countered by children having one day of the week where Mom or Dad will do what they want for the same 15-minute period. Often children will ask for a book to be read aloud, for a few minutes together at the basketball hoop, or for help with their latest school project.

This back-and-forth service in the home sets the stage for bigger service projects outside the home and creates a "sure, I'll be happy to help" attitude.

Skill #7: Regularly return the whole home to order. Clean up the house three times a day, usually before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This skill helps keep the home neat and teaches family members that any little job done frequently is much easier than a bigger job done less often. Because food is a great motivator, choosing to clean up before meals will bring a higher rate of success.

For example, a mother might say, "Dad will be home in fifteen minutes. I have dinner prepared, but, oh, the mess we have around the house! I have hot spaghetti and meatballs for all 'Italian sailors' that can help make our home ship-shape for inspection by Daddy when he arrives home. Let's set a timer and go to work."

Skill #8: Practice self-initiative. Do one chore every day without being asked. This skill is also somewhat elusive unless there is specific training about both the principle and the practice. It is useful for a family meeting to be held where each family member is given a chance to choose a daily chore they will do for the whole week without being asked or reminded. It is useful, as with all family projects, to make up a written chart with commitments written down plainly.

For example, a father might receive the following commitments from his family. "Kent will put away his backpack on the hook in his bedroom when he first comes home from kindergarten. Eliza will set the dinner table at four P.M. Mom will have dinner ready by six P.M. I will start doing dishes right after dinner. Everyone will do these chores without being reminded."

There are many other important skills to learn together as a family, but these eight skills seem to make the most difference to most families I work with. In no time at all, the laundry is being put away in a timely manner. Bedrooms are neater. Meals go more smoothly. The family is working together and it is easier to maintain order.

Of course, there will be bad days, but the skills are there to be practiced again when things settle down. All in all, it makes for a happier family when the home and life are a bit more organized.

--- In Marie's new book, The Children You Want with the Kids You Have: Training Children to Work and Gain Other Essential Skills, she details a "Training Children to Work Master Plan" for helping children learn a variety of essential skills needed to have a good work ethic, a responsible character, and the opportunity to live in a home that functions well. Now available at Deseret Book.

Devoting a Day to the Grandkids

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Mary S. Taylor
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Memories of visiting Grandma and Grandpa are as different as the people involved. Every family has different traditions and customs, but one thing remains constant for everyone: the smile that comes to your face when you think of those treasured times. Grandparents have so much to share, but as the rush of our busy world has a way of inevitably shifting our priorities, for many grandparents it may seem that quality time with the grandkids is less easy to come by without going out of your way. But sometimes, that's just what it takes - a little more effort.

Some grandparents have decided to make a special event out of time spent with the grandkids by devoting a day (or a few days) just to them. While not every moment spent with grandchildren needs to be turned into a major production, making the kids feel special by devoting some extra-special time just for them will lead to wonderful memories all around. Here are some ideas from a few "Grandkids' Days" experts.

Birdhouses and Bonding Grandma and Grandpa Hoge (Pam and George) from Idaho Falls, Idaho, hosted their first Grandkids' Day years ago, and it became a huge success.

"We knew that with the kids' busy summer schedules it would be nearly impossible to set aside a time when a majority would all be available, so we decided to take advantage of spring break," says Pam.

Once the various families were on-board, the Hoges and seven of their grandkids (ranging in ages from three to twelve) headed to the family's cabin near Yellowstone for a three-day weekend. They played board games, told bedtime stories, and made treats and crafts. Grandpa made birdhouses and the older kids helped the younger ones put them together and paint them. "This was one way we found to involve both the older kids and younger ones in the same project," says George. "The older kids helped us out a lot and it was really fun to see all of their personalities in their art."

The Hoges had several goals in mind when organizing this event. "We wanted the grandkids to all get to know each other better as cousins and we wanted them to be with 'just us' so we could have fun and get to know them better as well," says Pam. "We also wanted to give their parents a break. My son and daughter-in-law were able to take a little vacation together."

On Sunday, the Hoges (who teach the CTR 7 and 8 class in Primary) ambitiously took all of the kids to church. "It was wonderful to be able to go with all the kids," said George. "We have thirteen primary children. Three of our grandchildren went to our class (the others went to their own classes). It was our class's turn for sharing time that day, which was great because our grandchildren helped out and I was able to use one granddaughter as an example in my lesson on being a missionary. Her best friend isn't a member but she has started inviting her to activities."

"It was one of the best times we've ever had," says Pam. "The kids are still telling their parents about it and asking when they get to do it again. I think their parents are more pleased with the idea than anyone," she adds with a wink.

Finding that "Special Place" For Shirley Klein of Provo, Utah, her "Grandma's Day" is always a huge hit. She has done everything from themed "Nemo" parties to sleepovers to park exploration adventures. "One of our best times was just walking down the street together to visit our 'special place' – a place we've discovered in the woods nearby," explains Shirley. "We also like to go to the park. I remember watching the kids playing in the streams, trying to float on a piece of wood in the pond. It was so fun to watch them overcome their fears and master an unknown."

Shirley also points out that being a good grandma and showing your grandkids how much you love them, doesn't always need to cost money.

"One time I had six young grandchildren (all under age five) peeling a bag of potatoes in the kitchen with me. We had potato peels everywhere, but we did have fun! It was a great feeling to sit down to eat those mashed potatoes that evening," she says. "Grandchildren love to get involved in the kitchen - they know where the apron drawer is and even the two year old will ask to join in."

The best thing about Grandma's Day is the one-on-one time that's so hard to come by in an everyday setting. "I am able to concentrate on my grandkids without distractions of other adult conversations. I really enjoy talking with my own children and their spouses, so when everyone is together the grandchildren tend to play together and the adults spend time together. On Grandma's Days, we have special time to do things that just kids like!"

Planning on Having Fun Elaine Cobia of McCammon, Idaho, has been doing a "Grandma's Week" for twenty years. It's something she plans throughout the year and something she and the children look forward to tremendously. "They came at about two or three years old and continued coming until the summer jobs kept them home." It's no wonder that the grandkids look forward to the week so much and continue going even into their teen years - Grandma Cobia's Grandma's Week is a blast!

"I plan to have enough activities that will keep them busy, but not tired," she explained. "Three activities a day worked well for us. I wanted to have a week with no TV, but we did watch some uplifting movies for a few activities."

Elaine raises the anticipation of this event for her grandchildren by getting them involved in her planning. "I ask one family of kids to get together and plan a menu for the meals (three a day) for six days. They loved to do this, and we were not too concerned about nutrition as we would provide good veggie snacks and nutritious treats for them. They like to choose nachos, pizza, tacos, hamburgers, fruit, cookies, chicken strips, and the like."

She also sends invitations to the kids about the activities she's planning. "About two weeks before the date, I would send a list of things they should pack to bring with them. They love getting mail."

Grandma is continually planning for her week throughout the year because she's able to watch for good buys on things like food, crafts, t-shirts, paints, and canvases. She also plans ahead by making reservations at various places they plan to take the kids.

After having done it for so long, Elaine has been able to develop a great game plan to make sure her week runs smoothly. "When all the kids arrive, they are anxious to have their parents leave so they can start having fun. We call all of the children together and discuss the do's and do not's. If you make the rules clear, the kids are great at seeing to it that everyone obeys them.

Elaine's Grandma's Week, with all of its activities and fun, is a great way to have a good time, but above all, it's helped everyone to form special relationships. “"hey help each other and take care of each other. Serving each other makes special bonds. Our grandchildren all know each other well and when we get together it is wonderful to see how they respond and support each other in special times like baptisms, Eagle Scout awards, priesthood ordinations, graduations and more." Parent - the Verb Grandparents certainly have an added perspective on parenting after having gone through the bulk of the process already, but, according to Shirley Klein, the added insight that comes with experience doesn't mean she'd necessarily change much about what she did as a parent.

"If I could inspire parents of young children based on what I have learned," she say, "it would be to be kinder, gentler with them and find joy in the association on a daily basis. Don't wish for the day they aren't there, but make memories everyday. I'm still learning important lessons of parenting by being a grandparent, like being kinder and gentler and enjoying the moments."

Teaching Kids Service

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Valerie Jones
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: It’s important to teach kids to put others before themselves, but you may think that getting them to agree can be tough. Not so. Read on to see how service can become a habit at even an early age. Most kids think that serving and fun go together like oil and water, and teaching them to think otherwise can sometimes seem daunting. However, according to Merrilee Boyack, it may be easier than you think.

Boyack, who has written several books on parenting, including 52 Weeks of Fun Family Service, suggests that the best way for parents to foster selflessness is by creating a "family culture" of service. "Having a family cause allows the children to feel a sense of ownership, a sense of pride and involvement," she says. Don't wait for Scouts or Young Women activities: give your kids opportunities to serve others from the time they're young. The younger they start, the more comfortable and confident in service they will be and more likely to continue serving in the future. Here are some ways to help your children develop a lifelong involvement in service.

Involve yourself. Boyack believes parental involvement is critical. Kids can really start serving when they have a parent alongside them. "That's always the first step," Boyack says.

If you want to get your children interested in service work, then show them you enjoy it and think it's important. Cheerfully volunteer to help out with or even organize Relief Society or elders quorum service projects or other work in the community. When your children see you enjoying the work you're doing, their interest is sure to be piqued.

If you don't believe it, there are numbers to prove it - according to the Corporation for National and Community Service, an overwhelming 86 percent of youth who volunteer for community service also have parents and siblings who do so. On the other hand, 64 percent of youth who do not volunteer have similarly non-volunteering families. Families with parents who teach by example are most likely to have children who are interested in volunteering from a young age and more willing to become involved as they get older.

Make it a family affair. Parents can't do all the work, so get the kids actively involved in service.

Let them decide what project or event your family will be involved with, and even let them help plan it. This can ensure that you end up doing something that caters to your children's particular interests and talents. Kids will be more likely to stay interested when they can help plan something they already love - they'll want to see it through to the end. If they're animal lovers, find out if you can volunteer at a local animal shelter; if they are avid readers, see if there is a program at their school or library where they can read to younger children; if they love to be outside, help an elderly neighbor or relative with yard work. Service, says Boyack, "allows the children to really develop their skills and talents in a very personal and individual way that they may not otherwise get."

Being involved in "grown-up" work can also be a great confidence booster, and they'll feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when working on "their" project rather than merely following Mom and Dad's orders.

Serve often. The holiday season is the most popular time for volunteer work. However, don't forget that there are people in need year-round. Make service a habit for your family by doing it regularly. Decide on a routine, such as giving service a certain amount of hours per week or month, and stick to it. Keeping a schedule will make your children feel more comfortable serving and, as long as it's something they find enjoyable, will increase the likelihood that they will want to continue.

Finding the time may seem hard, but, according to Boyack, it's simply a matter of priorities. "Remove the video games and it's remarkable how much time they have on their hands," she notes. Again, it is up to parents to set the example. "The parents have to make it a priority," she says, "and pull the plug on everything else."

Don't stress. Service doesn’t have to be time consuming or even involve a lot of preparation. There are many different ways to serve others. Boyack suggests allowing children to make a donation to an organization they wish to support, such as Heifer International. At their website, heifer.org, you can choose an animal, such as a goat, cow, or flock of ducks, for which you can pay a share. The animal is then purchased for a family in poverty as a way for them to support themselves. Not only is giving a farm animal fun, but it can broaden children's horizons by showing them people in need in faraway countries.

You can get your kids more involved by letting them earn the money they use to donate. Let them collect spare change in a jar or make a lemonade stand. Remember that service will always be a better, more meaningful experience if your kids feel like they really contributed to the project.

Remember the why. The most important part of the process is to remember - and to help your children remember - why you are serving. For Boyack, service goes beyond good citizenship. "Our number one task as parents is to raise our children to be disciples of Christ," she says. "If that is our goal, then we must provide opportunities and experiences for them to do His work, and by doing His work to emulate Him and become like Him."

She believes that for families with those children who are just "difficult," giving them opportunities to serve is the best way to get through to them. "I watched what it did for my son; I've watched what it's done for many children like that, and it saves a child and it saves the relationship that you have with that child."

Crowded Nests

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kate Ensign-Lewis
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Your son is up in his room, getting ready to turn in for the night. You consider going up to tuck him in, but that wouldn't go over well. After all, he's 27. It's just hard to know what he needs from you. How can you make this experience good for everyone? It's a sign of the times; more and more children are living at home with their parents. In the past year alone, 13 percent of parents with grown children say at least one of their children has moved back home, according to the Pew Research Center. College expenses, job loss, divorce, and sometimes immaturity leave Mom and Dad with full homes much longer than they expected.

While some children never leave after high school, some move back after being on their own, making them part of a group social experts call "boomerangers." Parents who experience this trend may wonder if something is wrong with their child coming home.

Despite the diatribe that has arisen from this recent trend, adult children living at home is not always bad. In fact, Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, parenting expert and author of Don't Bite Your Tongue, says that if the move is to save money, "Good for the kid! In this particular economy, there are often no choices."

Dr. Laura Walker, associate professor at Brigham Young University, agrees. "I don't think there's any detriment to children staying in the home if it's the right situation."

Linda Thomson, who has hosted four of her five children during their adult lives, understood her children's various needs to move home and grew to love the experience. "Some of the kids that came home were struggling - financially and some of them emotionally. They had their ups and downs. Those were challenging in one way but also just wonderful," she says. "It was actually quite a neat experience to have."

Before parents condemn the situation of adult children returning home, Nemzoff encourages parents to first look inward and carefully evaluate the situation. "Are we upset because they're supposed to leave, or are we upset because they are, in fact, stuck?"

Now, whether or not living at home is detrimental to the development of your child is one thing; making sure the situation is not detrimental to your relationship is another. This is why parents need to take several steps before the adult child begins his or her stay.

Start When Young Parents need to first encourage habits of independence when children are young, says Walker. "It should be dealt with long before they reach twenty-six."

Talk with children about their goals, encourage them to be independent (emotionally and financially), and avoid "helicopter" parenting - choosing kids' classes, finding them jobs - when children get to the end of their high school years. Let them have autonomy in their decisions.

"Now, autonomy doesn't mean permissiveness," clarifies Walker. "It's supporting them through their decisions, but still encouraging them to make some decisions by themselves, so that they're not so afraid to do that when they actually need to."

What if you're past that point? Whether your child is moving home to save money during college or whether your child has just lost a job, you'll want to explicitly define the expectations of living together.

Establish Rules The first thing you'll want to do is take a good look at your expectations for your grown child's behavior. "What are the rules of the house, down to the minutiae?" posits Nemzoff. When they find laundry in the machine, do they need to fold it? If your child has children, just how often can you be expected to baby sit? How long your child is welcome for?

To pinpoint the details, first determine what your needs are. Then try to take into account your child's needs; a child returning home for a few months after college is quite different from a child returning after divorce or job loss. You shouldn't protect your child from responsibility if he or she is in a hard spot, but there will be certain compromising factors depending on the situation. Thomson considered this with her children. "I had the theory that they were going to learn and stretch and not be perfect, and while they were home, that was a good place for them to mend and be loved."

Next, tell your child what you expect. "And discuss it! I think that it's no longer so much 'command and control,'" says Nemzoff. "There are a million solutions. And it involves discussion. You're both adults, and you both know your needs."

"Children are always going to feel better about rules when they have a part in making them," says Walker.

While you negotiate with your child, remember he or she will be living in your house, and you have every right to dictate non-negotiable behavior. This includes behavior that goes against your morals.

"Often the younger generation is in a period of questioning the rules they grew up with," points out Nemzoff. So acknowledge the social realities of culture and let your child know what will not be tolerated in the home - no drinking, no drugs, and no sex before marriage. "You just have to be clear about what you are comfortable with," says Nemzoff. "And then if your child doesn't want to live there, that's your child's choice."

Revisit the Rules Set up a regular time to discuss and revisit the rules. Listen to your child's concerns and offer your own thoughts. Be patient and negotiate when you hit a snag. "I think respecting that the child may have good reasons that are different from yours [is important]," says Nemzoff. "Adults do differ."

It may sound like you're playing politician while hammering out the details of a treaty. In a way, you are. In parenting adults, Nemzoff emphasizes, you shouldn't bite your tongue and hold back your thoughts, but you must decide when expressing yourself is appropriate and when it's unnecessary - and you must remain mindful of your child as an adult who also has strong needs.

Create Ownership Thomson remembers she didn't require many rules for her adult children. "There wasn't a lot of tension over rules. Just more courtesy, rather," she says. Still, she found that giving them a sense of ownership over certain things - and having her own ownership - was crucial to happiness.

One of these things was space. Thomson found that she could happily withdraw to her room every night to have some alone time from the families that lived with her. "I like my space. I had a huge bedroom with my own TV and my own bath. I sent myself to my bedroom a lot," she says with a laugh. "With family there, I would just give them the run of the house. I didn't try to be all things."

While it gave her time to recuperate, she also withdrew for the good of her children and their families. As she had learned from her own parents while living with them, it was good to give a young family time to "be a family."

Next, she gave them ownership over responsibilities in the house. Each night a different family member, including in-laws, would cook the meal. "I think that night meal meant a lot to them. They felt some ownership over the kitchen, and I certainly wasn't the slave."

Lastly, she let each family unit function on its own. "I learned then that I didn't have a right to discipline the children. They didn't like it," Thomson says. "I learned very quickly to keep my mouth shut, and if I didn't like it, I could quietly go into the other room." Such things as family prayer, which Thomson at first felt a responsibility to dictate, she realized needed to be built within the family. "I had to let them build their own traditions."

When They Won't Leave Some parents find themselves three years down the road with no end in sight. They have looked at the situation and decided that, yes, they are upset because their child is stuck. This is when it's time to take the offense and start encouraging the child to move out.

Remember the cardinal rule when dealing with this situation: look at yourself first. Are you doing anything to encourage the child in his or her freeloading behavior? Walker says that parents who attend to most of the child's instrumental needs, such as doing laundry and cooking for the child, may be implicitly encouraging the child to stay.

"I think some parents get into that situation without realizing what they're doing," she says. "There could be parents who just don't ever put their foot down and end up with twenty-eight-year-old kids living in their basement. Then you're just enabling their bad behavior. . . . You're really just harming their identity development."

If your child is at home and you feel the time has come for him or her to leave, say it. Give your child a realistic deadline of when to move, whether that be two weeks or two months. Soften the situation by explaining your motivation for kicking them out - the desires you have for your son or daughter to negotiate life.

"Another thing [parents] can do to facilitate it is to not cut off all ties when the child leaves the home - to communicate to them that you're going to be supportive," says Walker. Tell your child you'll still be there to help, emotionally and (if you're willing) financially.

Follow up with the situation, and make sure to follow through. Be aware that it may not go over well, but don't let that prevent you from taking the step. "There may have to be some rough moments," says Nemzoff. "The goal of relationships is to have, for both parties, more joy than misery. . . . Not every moment is a happy moment."

A Worthwhile Experience Whatever the situation, the experience of living with adult children can be a positive one. Children can save and grow under in the company of their parents, and parents can be reminded that, even in adult years, they are needed.

Knowing they are needed is an important lesson for parents to learn. Adulthood for children no longer means parents step back and look on as a third party. Nowadays, parents are actively involved in their adult children's lives. "Parents need to know they still really matter," says Walker. Whether at home or away, children still need closeness with parents. And parents need it, too.

This is one reason Thomson looks back on the time her adult children lived at home with such fondness. "It was good and it was necessary. Being single and divorced I wondered if I was going to hate it when everybody came, but I didn't. I loved it just as much as when they were there before. . . . We made it work. We made it loving."

Stop the Back Talk

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Erin Jones and Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Lately, you’ve noticed that your teen has been talking back to you. It’s not a big deal, you think. It’s just a stage, and they’ll soon get over it. Right? At least that’s the hope of all parents who experience this problem. What do you do when your teen starts sassing you? Show patience and wait for the stage to pass? Or do you head it off immediately? Though talking back is part of growing up, disrespectful speech can quickly develop into a habit. Kids who start with talking back may come to think that speaking rudely to others is an acceptable way to get what they want.

Disrespectful speech damages relationships and causes contention at home, at school, and in the work place. Conversely, respectful speech denotes someone with a positive character who can leave a good impact on others. Teaching your child the correct way to communicate with others could affect their relationships in the future.

What qualifies as talking back? Sometimes it's hard to know which of your kid's speech to reprimand, and which to let slide. However, many teens aren't trying to be rude or hurtful when they start talking back. Back talk is part of adolescent development. "There is an actual reason for back talk," says Sarah Coyne, a Brigham Young University professor who studies adolescents and family life. "During adolescence, teens go through changes in thinking, and they are trying to develop their identities. They are trying to find out what they believe, and they are finding out that they can have an opinion different from their parents."

Make sure your child is aware when their speech crosses the line and moves from playful to offensive. Sarcasm is okay when it is done in good taste; it becomes hurtful when it is a personal attack. "Sarcasm is actually a way that teens work through their cognitive development," says Coyne. "It doesn't all have to be hurtful, and it's okay if they aren't trying to be mean." However, when the speech is meant to be rude towards a person or causes a negative reaction from the listener, then it is unacceptable.

Help make your child aware that many people are hurt by sarcastic comments, even if they don't show it. Tell your child to ask themselves before they speak, "How would I feel if someone said this about me?"

Back Talk Motives If your child has a tendency to talk back, it's important to examine their motive. Many kids are motivated by one or more of the following:

Stress: The teenage years are a time of anxiety - a time when kids are trying to figure out who they are and how they fit in the world. Kids who are stressed at school and in their social life often release their frustration through talking back. Be sensitive to your child and the precarious age they are experiencing. Try to talk through their problems with them so they have a positive outlet for communication.

Self-Defense: Sometimes kids retaliate with back talk because they don't know how else to defend themselves. Consider your own speech toward your children. Do you talk down to them? Do you say things that might offend them? If you set a negative example for them, they will respond the same way.

Power: Many kids struggle to find their place in the family and in their relationship with their parents. They want to prove to you, the parent, that they are an equal. If it's a war of words your child wants, don't get caught up in the battle.

Attention: Talking back may be a cry for attention or a sign that your child is struggling. Maybe you are not giving him or her enough time, and this is the only way he or she knows how to get your attention. Make sure you’re giving your children the attention they need. If you talk with them regularly and show that you value their opinion, they may not feel the desire to talk back.

What to Do: Even if you know why your child talks back, the back talk will still be frustrating. Here are some ideas of how to stop the sass:

Be clear. Let your child know when he or she crosses the line. Coyne suggests that when your teen gives you lip, say something like, "I value your opinion, and I respect what you are saying, but you need to find a way to express yourself without being rude."

Be calm. You can choose how you will respond to your child's talking back. You can choose to lose your temper and return the rudeness, but that won't help you or your child. "A lot of back talk happens when parents lose their cool," says Coyne. "The parents and the teen end up feeding off of each other." Instead, walk away and say you will be willing to talk when your child has calmed down.

Be caring. Show your child that you care. If your kid is particularly rude one day, he or she may have had a bad day at school. Pick a time when your child is calm and ask about his or her day and what you can do to help. Get your children talking; they may simply want attention for their problems but don't know how to ask for it.

Before deciding what consequences you are going to give for back talk, consider how often, how much, and how severe the back talk is. "Parents should pick their battles very carefully," says Coyne. "I wouldn't make a huge deal of it every time it happens. That's just going to make it worse."

"If [the back talk] is a prolonged, horrible thing, then I think something needs to be done," Coyne continues. She suggests the parents take a step back and look at the relationship as a whole, and try to figure out where the real root of the problem is. "Maybe [the parent] is doing something to make it worse," continues Coyne. "If it's a really severe problem and the relationship is deteriorating, I would suggest counseling." Remember, don't take personal offense from your child's remarks. A lot of what he or she says is stemmed from anger, frustration, stress, or simply testing boundaries. Use this stage in your teen's life to your advantage by teaching them how to control their emotions through speech.

Set a calm example in teaching your children about acceptable speech, and they will learn how to deal with communication and relationship building. This will help them in the future as they work out problems through communication rather than anger.

Build a positive relationship with your children so they get the attention they need and are able to calmly discuss their problems with you. Soon you will be able to have yakety yak without the talking back!

Mom-friendly Vacations

Fri, 14 May 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kim Grant
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Ahh, summer! Children are free from homework. Husbands can once again return to the golf course. And moms . . . wait a minute. What does summer mean for moms? No free time? Thinking up itineraries for bored children? And the anticipated (or dreaded) family vacation? After all, summer trips, though intended as vacation, are often just a change of scenery, not of workload. While it's not very fair, it is a reality that going on vacation can mean just as much work for a mom (maybe more) than if she were at home. In fact, according to ICM Research, moms work an average of six hours a day cleaning, organizing, packing, and taking care of children while on vacation. But before you feign an illness to stay home from your trip, consider these suggestions that might create a more mom-friendly environment for your family vacation.

Call in the troops. This is a "family" trip you're taking, so why are you the only one planning it? Divide responsibilities between family members, taking into consideration everyone's capabilities. Even young children can pack their own belongings if they have a list. Assign older children to use the computer for scouting deals or attractions in the area. Keep all important telephone numbers together so that someone else can confirm airline, hotel, dinner, and show reservations; make sure each reservation gets checked off once it is confirmed. Everyone should also have their own daily checklist they can mark off until the day you leave.

Remind your children (and husband) beforehand that this is a vacation from home, not from helping. Tell them in advance that you'll require help cleaning out the car, keeping your temporary residence tidy, and keeping an eye on younger children.

Become the master. Why write the packing list or other instructions over and over again? If you're like most families, the vacation basics don't change from year to year. Save a master copy of all lists on the computer and refer to each trip in the title. The packing list changes only slightly, and you can have separate sections for items you bring on specific types of trips. Also, keep a list of things to do before you leave, so you'll never have to remember to turn off the lights, water the plants, hold newspaper or mail service, etc. Just print off the master copy, black out any unnecessary items, and keep a section entitled "other" for any additions.

Schedule some "alone" time. This can work two ways while you're away. First, plan an afternoon, or even just a few hours, doing something just for you. There may be a great spa or a spin class offered in your hotel. Don't feel guilty taking some time to re-energize yourself so you have more to give during the rest of your trip.

You can also plan for a quiet evening out with just your husband. If your children are older, you should feel comfortable leaving them with some snacks and a movie (and strict rules!) for a few hours. When you have young kids, having a sitter may be the only way to try out that restaurant you've heard so much about. But what if you couldn't convince Grandma or your niece to come along? Many hotels and condos will recommend babysitting services, and there are numerous Internet sites that offer professional babysitters. Still, many moms feel more comfortable using the "Mormon Grapevine." Ask around in your ward for families that have lived in or know someone in the area you're traveling to. They might refer you to someone who can help.

Think inclusive. The up-front cost of an all-inclusive resort may seem staggering at first, but when you consider that all meals and other perks are included, it can really save you some headaches. Just think - you won't be tempted to try and cook in your kitchenette, freeing you from grocery shopping and preparing and cleaning up meals. You'll have access to bikes, boogie boards, and other equipment. Childcare and supervised kids' activities are usually available as well. By the time you've taken advantage of all that's being offered, it can be well worth it.

If you can't stomach the expense of a posh resort, ask for a list of amenities at your destination. Many hotels and condos offer the use of strollers, cribs, high chairs, and beach supplies, as well as some kids' activities.

Maid to order. If you're like most moms, you feel guilty leaving a messy hotel room for the maid to clean. But just remember, this is part of what you're paying for, and while you don't want anyone thinking that a rock star had a wild party in your room the night before, unmade beds and towels on the floor are to be expected. Teach your children to be conscientious of both the maid's time and the hotel's property, but then enjoy having someone come in and clean up after you.

Relax. In the end, nothing ever goes completely as planned. But don't think that your trip's success or failure depends only on you. Give plenty of praise when others make an effort to help, and don't be surprised when you walk into the bathroom and find wet swimsuits all over the floor. If you expect that life will happen, you may find that when you get home, you won't need a vacation from your vacation.

My Great Idea: Sunday Stations

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Amy Ambridge
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: As an adult, I love a Sunday with nothing to do except nap and read. But this sentiment is not shared by children. To combat the problem, I started using “Sunday Stations.” "I'm bored. There's nothing to do on Sunday." We have all heard it from our children at some point. My youngest daughter is famous for this refrain. How do we keep children entertained but still honor the Sabbath? It's easy to do by creating Sunday Stations that stop the boredom and help your children have a productive and spiritual day. My friend shared this brilliant idea with me.

The idea begins with the principle that Sunday is a day we need to use to renew our body and spirits. It is not a day to be wasted or spent in idleness. We have been counseled to engaged in many activities in our lives, and most of them are appropriate on the Sabbath. By creating stations that focus on different Sunday-appropriate activities, our children can honor the Sabbath and still have fun.

Four stations can be set up, though the number of stations can be adjusted to meet the size and needs of your family. The children rotate through the different stations. Each Sunday you can add a different "Surprise Station."

Pile up some pillows and make a "Listening Station." Children can listen to the Joseph Smith dramatization, primary music and hymns with the song books to follow along, dramatized scripture stories, Scripture Scouts, Alexander's Amazing Adventures, John Bytheway, or other age-appropriate, gospel-oriented material. This could include homemade tapes or compact discs of immediate family members or ancestors bearing their testimonies or sharing their life stories. You can even record yourself reading a story or sharing something important.

A "Reading Station" can include copies of the Friend, New Era, Ensign, and scriptures. It can also include illustrated stories from the scriptures for younger children.

A "Writing Station" can have slips of paper on which each child writes something they are grateful for, or they can write one thing that they like or admire about each family member. Young children can draw a picture of what they learned in primary that day or just something they did. This station could vary each Sunday to include things like journal writing. Letters can be written and pictures drawn to send to grandparents and missionaries.

A "Surprise Station" can include doing a craft from the Friend, cooking a family treat, playing a family game or going on a walk together. Each station can be customized for the different holidays. During Thanksgiving or Christmas you can expand a "Writing Station" to be a "Gratitude Writing Station" and write thank you notes and letters of gratitude or Christmas cards.

As parents, our lives are so busy that it is often hard to find time for all the spiritually uplifting things we are supposed to be doing with our families. I've found that using Sunday Stations has helped my family come closer to the solution. Instead of feeling guilty for not being able to cram in everything during the week, it allows us to use those Sunday afternoons to add more spiritually uplifting activities to our hectic lives.

Sometimes children can feel like there are so many "do nots" associated with the Sabbath. Sunday Stations can help children focus on all the wonderful things they can do on the Sabbath day and help them replace boredom with spiritual experiences and fun family memories.

Helping Kids Conquer Fears

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Parents often struggle to know how to react to a child’s fears. Adults know that there is nothing to fear from a friendly dog in the park, or a tiger on TV, but how can we convince children of that? Is the best thing to ignore the problem and let them “grow out of it,” or to help them to confront the fear?

Human beings, children and adults alike, naturally fear the unknown. That is one of the reasons why children become easily frightened--so much is new, and they don't have the experience to know what is safe or dangerous. Also, when children are between two and four years old, their ability to imagine develops, creating those monsters under the bed and the nightmares that haunt their sleep. Interestingly, a vivid imagination develops before reasoning skills. Thus your child will have difficulty understanding that there are no monsters under the bed and never will be. Supporting your child through his or her fears and helping him or her to overcome them can create a bond between you that will last for the rest of your life.

How to Help Empathize with your child. Don't tell your child it's wrong to be scared. This might cut off communication between you; he or she will feel ashamed of this completely normal emotion. Avoid saying things like, "Don't be a baby," "Big boys/girls don't get scared," and "Stop being afraid." Try to empathize with his or her fears without reinforcing them. Say something like, "When I was your age, I thought there might be something scary under the bed, too." Make sure you don't get over-involved in the fears, though--your child might start playing up the fear to get attention.

When talking to your child, you want to make sure that you affirm that 1) It's fine to be afraid, and 2) It's good to share your feelings and ask for help.

Model confidence. Young children often mirror their parents' emotions. If you are concerned about the lightning and thunder outside or become frightened around animals, they will be too. If you are frightened about something in particular, perhaps you could show your child that you are working to overcome the fear by trying the following tip yourself.

Explore the fear. Many experts say that if a child has a specific fear, it is good to look at that fear from a distance, and then gradually get closer. For example, if a child is fearful about going to the doctor, begin by explaining to the child what goes on during a check up. Check your local library for a picture book about going to the doctor and read it together. Another idea is to buy an inexpensive doctor's kit and let your child play, giving a doll or teddy bear an examination. If an older, unafraid sibling has a doctor's appointment, you might want to take the fearful child along to observe and realize that the older one is fine.

If your child is scared of an animal, such as a dog, it might be nice to watch a show about animals first (Clifford the Big Red Dog is a great option), then arrange for someone, like you or another sibling, to interact with a real dog while your child watches from a distance. After your child seems to be comfortable with that, ask around and see if anyone knows of any puppies that your child could play with (the younger, less rambunctious kind is best, but make sure the mother dog is okay with the interaction). Don't force your child to pet the puppies, but encourage him or her to at least watch them for a while. Eventually, your child should feel comfortable enough to interact with the puppies.

This formula should work with most fears. Just remember to think of comfortable situations for your child that will still expose him or her to the fear (TV shows, books, watching from a distance) and eventually move closer. Understand that it might take some time for your child to overcome the fear and gain confidence. Be supportive and patient throughout this process.

When the Fear Is Valid It's easy (well, easier) to help your child overcome things that you know aren't scary--the dark, imaginary monsters, etc. But what do you do when your child is scared of something that frightens you? A recent study surveyed 1,000 children grades 2 through 12, and found that the most common fears included being threatened with a gun, AIDS, and not being able to breathe. The two biggest fears for children 7 to 10 years old were kidnapping and dying, which ranked high above a fear of the dark.

One of the first things to do when dealing with valid fears is to limit your child's exposure to the news. Young children don't understand that when a news clip is shown repeatedly, it is only one event--they are likely to think that there are far more kidnappings, severe car crashes, or escaped lions than there actually are. Try watching the news in a different room from your kids, or only when your children are asleep.

When your children express a realistic fear to you, ask them to tell you exactly what they have heard and how they feel about it. Children often hear rumors at school, and the facts may have been blown out of proportion. Tell your child that the chances are remote that their fear will actually happen. But don't expect your child to immediately say, "Oh, okay." It's natural for them to continue to be worried.

Making a plan with your child can often be a confidence booster--it helps them feel like they have some control. Discussions about things like dialing 911 in an emergency, reacting to a stranger approaching, and knowing your family's fire safety plan can help your child feel prepared in an emergency.

Anxiety vs. Fear If you've noticed that your child continues to act scared even when there is nothing scary around, you might want to consider if your child has anxiety. Fear and anxiety have very similar symptoms: shortness of breath, muscle tension, and increased heart rate. These are brought on by the body's fight-or-flight reaction. However, even though they might appear similar, they are very different.

Fear is an emotional response toward a situation whereby an individual feels threatened. The cause of the threat is realistic, meaning your child is only concerned about dogs when he or she sees one.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is a psychological disorder that occurs even when there is no apparent risk or reason for physical harm to occur. Quite often the child cannot tell the parent exactly what is causing the fear. If your child seems to be suffering from anxiety, you might want to consider a trip to a child psychologist. A trained doctor is better equipped to help your child overcome this emotional issue.

--- Reading for Bravery Books are a great way to get closer to a particular fear without actually confronting it. It can start conversations about the fear and help your child pick up on coping strategies. See if any of these books could help your child with his or her struggle, or take a trip to the library and pore over their collection.

Fear of the dark: Bedtime for Frances, by Russel Hoban
Fear of separation: Ira Sleeps Over, by Bernard Waber; The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn
Fear of preschool: D.W.'s Guide to Preschool, by Marc Brown
Fear of monsters: Go Away, Big Green Monster!, By Ed Emberley
Fear of dogs: Dog Magic, by Carla Golembe
Fear of heights: A Net of Stars, by Jennifer Jacobson
Fear of storms: Thunder Doesn't Scare Me!, by Lynea Bowdish

Surviving Sick Days

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Erin Jones
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Are you sick of sick days? Sick of trying to get your children healthy and keep them entertained while they’re home from school? Read on to find out how to make the most of your down time. Sick days don't have to be torture for you and your kids. If you use them right, sick days can allow for some great parent-child bonding time.

Whiner or Wild Child? Some kids are horrible patients. You know the type: they whine and complain and groan. Although you shouldn't ignore your child's sickness, make sure they aren't taking advantage of your service. Give them what they need, but be clear that being sick doesn't warrant the royal treatment. Keep them busy with activities and they won't need to whine.

On the other end of the spectrum are kids who refuse to be sick. Even when they're feeling under the weather, they insist on running around instead of giving their bodies time to recover. Keep these children busy with fun, low-key activities throughout the recovery period.

Activities: Fun and Fruitful Be sure sick days aren't an excuse for your child to veg out on TV and video games (which might make him more likely to trick you in the future). Sick days can be a chance for children to be creative and spend some one-on-one time with Mom or Dad. But how do you entertain both the whiner and the wild child? Here are some ideas:

1. Challenge your child to a draw-off. Come up with a theme (such as space) or find an object and encourage her to use either imagination or to work on her drawing skills. You can join her, too, and evaluate the pictures afterward. You can also print coloring pages at crayola.com, or find hidden pictures and games at highlightskids.com.

2. Choose crafts. Kids can make simple, low-maintenance crafts on sick days. Try a simple collage by cutting out pictures from newspapers and magazines. Visit craftsforkids.com for more ideas.

3. Let your child explore artwork through playing with clay, watercolors, or finger paints.

4. Hands-on activities are always fun for kids. Don't forget about Legos or Play-Doh. To make edible Peanut Butter Play Doe, mix 1 cup creamy peanut butter, 1 cup corn syrup, 1 1/4 cup non-fat dry milk, and 1 1/4 cup powdered sugar.

5. Dig out those classic games like Candy Land and Go Fish. Video games may come and go, but classic games never lose their appeal.

6. Get out. If your child is cooped up for too long, he may get restless. If he is feeling up to it, go for a short walk or drive.

7. Let your child create her own story book or comic book. Give her paper and markers and let her loose. If she's stuck on story ideas, visit rickwalton.com/freeu/storyide.htm. When she's finished, have her read you the masterpiece.

8. Speaking of reading, when is the last time you read to your child? Now is the perfect time to snuggle up with a good book.

Keeping Kids Healthy Of course, each child will have a different activity level depending on how sick he is. Helping your child return to health should be the top priority.

If the doctor prescribes medicine, make sure your child is informed about how much medicine she needs and how it will help her. Tell your child when she needs to take the medicine and have her remind you when it's time. This helps children become responsible for their own recovery.

For colds and flu, make sure your child drinks lots of water and juice. And feed children soft foods like the BRAT diet: bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. Keeping a bottle of hand sanitizer close to the bed will also prevent your child from passing germs to other objects and teach your child about the importance of sanitation.

Once they've recovered, children should be reminded of good health habits like washing hands and eating healthy foods.

What about Faking? What if your child just wants to skip school? Although sometimes it's hard to tell whether your child is really sick, here are some tips:

Be aware of your child's normal patterns. How does he usually act when he's sick? Does it seem like he's sick now?
Is there something going on at school that your child may want to avoid? If so, she may just be experiencing nervousness or fear. Talk to her about what she may be worried about.
Watch to see if playing sick is a habit with your child. Is your child "sick" during school but healthy on the weekends?
Do you give your kid gifts or other incentives when he's sick? If so, he would have good motivation to skip school. Be sure to restrict certain activities so kids know sick days aren't a vacation.

Remember to be sensitive to your child's pains. Depression or anxiety may also cause pains that doctors can't find, and these are important problems to be aware of. If your child doesn't feel better in a few days, give the doctor a call.

When Should Kids Go Back to School? When you think your child is ready to return to school, ask yourself these questions:

Is she running a temperature? If so, it's probably a good idea to keep her at home. Other signs that a child should be kept home include persistent symptoms (such as diarrhea) other than a phlegmy cough.
Is he still in the early stages of a contagious sickness? If so, wait a bit before sending him back to school. You certainly don't want him to make other kids sick.
Is your child returning to a normal energy and activity level? If not, it's a sure sign recuperation isn't complete.

Use your children's sick days to increase your bond with them. Get involved in their activities: paint with them, help them with crafts, or play games with them. If you use them right, sick days can provide memories for your children--occasions they got to spend one-on-one time with Mom or Dad.

When Your Teen Is in Love

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Your teen comes home from school one day, starry-eyed and completely distracted. Uh-oh. She’s in love. How you wish you could return to the time when boys and girls yelled “Cooties!” and ran away lickety-split. Your teen’s sigh brings you back to the present. You remember what it was like to be in her shoes, but how do you deal with it from the other side? The Good and the Bad Every LDS adolescent knows the "no dating before sixteen" rule, but they don't know many of the whys behind it. Many of them would be surprised to know that research has proved this rule would benefit teens everywhere, not just those of the LDS faith.

In an article entitled "Dating and Romantic Expericnes in Adolescence," psychologists Heather A. Bouchey and Wyndal Furman concluded that "adolescents who are involved with a romantic partner at a young age have higher rates of alcohol and drug use, delinquency, and behavioral problems, as well as lower levels of academic achievement." In addition to these consequences, Sarah Coyne, a Brigham Young University professor who studies adolescents, says that teens who date before sixteen are generally less imaginative and more often become victims of relationship abuse.

However, once teens reach "dating age," parents should encourage them to date often, since our expert says adolescents who date typically have a stronger self image and tend to be more popular and more accepted.

New Independence Parents who struggle when a child suddenly abandons them for a new-found love will benefit from understanding the psychological aspects of dating. A 1999 study by Bonnie B. Dowdy and Wendy Kliewer found that teens who start dating find themselves in a completely new role, different from those of student, child, or friend. This isn't necessarily bad, but it is difficult for parents to accept because they still see the adolescent as a child. This same study revealed that conflict between parents and adolescents greatly increases when teens start dating--simply because parents have a difficult time adjusting to the teen's new role and priorities outside the family boundaries. If parents accept that their child is progressing and developing a different role in life, they can avoid some of these conflicts. How should parents react to this newfound independence? "It depends on the age of the child," Coyne says. "In general, you want to be supportive of your child and respectful of their wishes." One of the best things that parents can do to support their child is to make a sincere attempt to meet and form a relationship with their teen's boyfriend or girlfriend. If you invite them to family functions, you will be able to see how they interact and keep an eye on the relationship to make sure it's a healthy one.

The Big Talk Even if you want to be supportive of your child's feelings, remember that you are still the parent. During this turbulent time, Coyne says, "Teens . . . need guidelines and boundaries. [Parents] shouldn't be afraid to make rules and discuss them with their teen."

Set aside a time to talk with your child. Make sure he or she knows that discussing the relationship is important. Ask your teen what qualities he or she especially likes about their dating partner, what makes that person special, and what they enjoy doing together. Make sure your child knows that you care. Finally, ask your child, "What are some rules you have set for yourself?" and "Here are some rules that we, as your parents, feel are important." Helping them choose their own (reasonable) dating rules means that they will take those guidelines seriously.

"If parents tend to act like 'it's my way or the highway,' teens will usually rebel," says Coyne. "Try to understand and respect the intensity of your teen's feelings. At the end of the day, everyone has their own free will, but if you respect them and are aware of their feelings, they are far more likely to listen to you."

Trusting your teen and trying to understand his or her feelings is all well and good, but what about when it comes to sexual intimacy? Some parents wonder how to correctly address this. After all, children do have their own free will, but shouldn't parents do everything in their power to stop their children from making a monumental mistake? Surprisingly, research has shown that too much control over teens can actually increase the likelihood of sexual behavior instead of lowering it. Coyne suggests parents be open with their teens and explain the physical, spiritual, and emotional benefits of waiting until after marriage for sexual intimacy; this understanding of the principles behind the Church's standards can be very beneficial. In fact, all parents should do this whether their teens are contemplating a sexual relationship or not.

Make sure that your teen is fully aware of the values and beliefs of the Church, along with your own feelings about them. "Our teens will be more likely to make good decisions when they understand the reasons behind a certain principle. Keeping lines of communication open, trusting and respecting your teen, and showing moderate amounts of control will go much further in preventing sexual behavior than locking [teens] in their bedrooms," continues Coyne. A parent is usually most effective when working as a support and guide rather than a dictator.

Maintain the Parent-Teen Relationship Coyne stresses the importance of keeping the parent-teen relationship intact before, during, and after a romantic relationship. "It is most important to have a good relationship with your teenager. You may battle about some things, but make sure you maintain that good relationship." She comments on the importance of picking your battles--that parents shouldn't argue with their children about every little thing in their children's lives, because that weakens the relationship. If you choose your battles wisely, your children will be more likely to respect your concerns about their relationships.

Love and Balance Balance is difficult for teens who believe that they are "in love." Yes, they can still walk straight, but their lives tend to be a bit lopsided--weighing heavily toward their newfound relationship. It can be frustrating for parents to see their previously straight-A student suddenly get their first B, but "a little of that is natural, and you can't stop it completely," says Coyne. To get around the single-mindedness of your infatuated teen, encourage the boyfriend or girlfriend to spend time with the family, participating in scripture study, family home evening, and family activities. Your child won't resent you for making them spend time away from the relationship, and you will still have them at those important family times.

Additionally, Coyne says parents should facilitate activities with other friends. Every so often, hand your kid twenty bucks and say, "You should go to a movie with so-and-so today."

Wise Counsel In this day and age, teens often date young and date seriously. However, the Church encourages teens to wait until they are college-aged to start dating exclusively. President Gordon B. Hinckley said to the youth, "It is better, my friends, to date a variety of companions until you are ready to marry. Have a wonderful time, but stay away from familiarity. . . . Steady dating at an early age leads often to tragedy. Studies have shown that the longer a boy and girl date one another, the more likely they are to get into trouble" ("A Prophet's Counsel and Prayer for Youth," Ensign, Jan. 2001).

It is difficult for many LDS youth to follow the counsel of Church leaders when the world (including friends) influences them to do the opposite. Many teens do date exclusively. Parents often feel at a loss as to how to encourage their child to group date rather than become emotionally intimate with one person. "Sitting down, and finding out where your [dating teen] is coming from can really help," says Coyne. "Some parents make a rule that they can continue to see that one person, but they have to go on a date once a month with someone else. Other parents have said that their teen can only go on group dates. Some parents really put their foot down and try to make their teen break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend." This last option, however, should be used cautiously. Unless you think the relationship is unhealthy, try counsel rather than force.

Dealing with the Breakup Typical high school relationships last from four to six months, so parents need to be prepared for the end of the relationship--and the end of the world, as your teen might perceive it. Coyne encourages parents to be respectful of their teen's loss. Even though you, as an experienced adult, know that Mr. or Ms. Right will come along later, it's hard for a teen to see into the future when the present feels so hopeless.

Coyne suggests, "Give your teen some extra one-on-one time. Take them out to dinner, and let them talk about it." What you don't want to do, says Coyne, is have an "I told you so" attitude. Parents can help their teens most by listening to their feelings and letting their children know they are loved, through both words and actions. If your daughter is feeling down, flowers from Mom and Dad might brighten her day. Sons, on the other hand, might prefer to go see that new action movie.

Whether you found The One at sixteen and are married to that person today, or if you had your heart broken at a young age, you've had experiences like your teen is having now. You know that love and support are the things your teen really needs. Their romantic experiences are very real and important to them, so they should be important to you as well.

Finding Time for Family Prayer

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Tanya Headrick
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: For many families, mornings are already hectic, even without the need to grab everyone for family prayer. Our family was no different. How could we make the morning efficient and still get in a few crucial moments to pray together? Mornings in our home were often rushed and chaotic. We hurried to eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, fix hair (and with four daughters, this morning step is especially time consuming), pack lunches, and gather everything needed for the day before we rushed quickly out the door for school and work. Each morning left me feeling frazzled and exhausted after our race against time.

One morning my oldest daughter pleaded with me in desperation, "Mom, please stop rushing me -- it's stressing me out!" I wanted to make our mornings calm, but I didn't know what to do differently.

On the Sunday after that exchange, a challenge was presented during our Sunday School lesson: make time for our morning prayers. I reviewed our manic morning routine. Though praying at night is something we do without hesitation, our morning prayers were hit and miss. How could we add consistent prayer to our already hectic mornings?

We had tried to use our breakfast prayer as our family morning prayer time, but not all of our family was able to gather together for breakfast each morning. I didn't know what we could do differently short of waking the family earlier, which hadn't been successful in the past. I knew I needed to find the answer that would work best for our family. I finally realized I needed to prepare and plan ahead.

Now our Saturday chores include packing lunches and preparing breakfasts for the upcoming week. We wash and dry fruit and vegetables; slice cheese; count out crackers, pretzels, and cookies; and place all of the servings into baggies. Each child places his or her lunch items into a labeled grocery bag and places it in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. This preparation cuts out much of the early day scurrying.

Then on Saturday evenings, I hard-boil eggs and bake muffins for the week's breakfasts. Easy-to-grab breakfasts have made our routine more streamlined; even if someone wakes up late, they can grab a good breakfast and eat on-the-go.

We now have peaceful mornings, and the kids, kindergartener included, delight in their new responsibilities. By preparing ahead we now have a calm morning routine that allows ample time for thoughtful, meaningful, sincere family prayer.

Do you have a great idea? A tip for a church calling? A fun and educational family activity? Basically any idea that has made your life a little easier or a little more fun? We want to hear about it! E-mail editor@ldsliving.com with your great idea.

Getting to Church on Time

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 17:00:00 -0700

by Susan Elzey
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Most families struggle with getting to Church on time at some point. Arriving on time can feel like a struggle against nature. But while you may feel this way, it is possible turn Sunday-morning stress into Sunday-morning success. Which family is yours? Is everyone sitting in the pew before church starts, listening to the prelude music with combed hair, matching shoes, and scriptures in hand? Or, do you straggle in after the sacrament has been passed, dragging diaper bags and children, and stand at the back, scanning the congregation for a place to sit?

If the latter describes you best, don't despair - there is hope. It is possible for a family, whatever the size and in whatever initial state of disorganization, to enjoy all the benefits of getting to church on time every Sunday, which include more than just being saved the embarrassment of walking in late.

"Getting to church on time is an important task for families, especially families with many children and young children," says Shirley Klein, associate director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. "The structure and order of a Sunday morning routine provides a sense of security and stability that promotes the well-being of individuals and family."

Structure? Order? If those words cannot typically be applied to your family's Sunday morning, it's time to give your Sunday mornings a makeover.

Simplifying the Basics Essentially three tasks need to be accomplished on Sunday mornings to get to church on time: Everyone has to be fed. Everyone needs to get dressed. Everyone needs to find the belongings essential for Sunday morning success. Here's how to do it all:

Set the alarm clock. The tasks that need to be completed on Sunday morning involve movements that are as precise as those of the weekday ballet that gets everyone to work and school on time. Time does not expand to the tasks that need to be done just because it's the Sabbath. Commit to getting up early on Sunday just like the rest of the weekdays. (If moms and dads get up several minutes earlier than the children to get ready for their day, everything works better.)

Simplify Sunday breakfast. With seven kids to get out the door during my young married life, I tried many different ways to make Sunday breakfast easier. Finally, I found that the magic formula was Pop-Tarts! Since my children ate nutritious breakfasts the rest of the week, I decided that on Sunday mornings they could indulge in Pop-Tarts and a glass of milk. It was the perfect solution: Pop-Tarts could be served on a napkin, everyone liked them, and they were a treat that urged the kids out of bed.

Designate places for everything needed for Sunday worship. Keeping scriptures in a central location throughout the week not only helps on Sunday mornings, but also helps throughout the week for personal and family scripture studies and family home evening. A basket in the living room, a shelf on a bookcase, or any convenient place can serve as the Grand Central Station for everyone's scriptures. One family I know keeps them lined up between the banisters of the stairs, making them easy to grab either going upstairs, downstairs, or out the door to church. (Hint: Put the two-year-old in charge of putting any wandering scriptures away. Two-year-olds love everything to be in the proper place.)

Identify a few rules about Sunday clothes. Each week after church (and before Sunday lunch or dinner can be eaten), everyone should either hang their clothes up or put them in the laundry. That includes Sunday shirts, skirts, belts, and socks. These arrangements will make locating the necessary items much easier the next week. It takes only one lost black sock or belt on Sunday morning to take a house from calm to chaos.

Simplify Sunday meal preparation. To avoid having to put a meal together on Sunday morning, choose one of the following suggestions:

Make a meal one day during the week that can be doubled and put in the freezer for Sunday.
Pick three or four simple meals, like roast and potatoes in the slow cooker, which can be rotated throughout the month and prepared on Saturday.
Depending on your meeting schedule, have sandwiches when you get home and prepare a simple, hot dinner later.
Use shortcuts. Store-bought rolls and microwaveable vegetables will round out a casserole taken from the freezer. Put leftover spaghetti sauce on noodles and top with cheese for baked spaghetti.
Expect less of Sunday meals. It doesn't have to be your grandma's Sunday dinner every week.

Make a schedule. Decide how long each Sunday morning activity will take and count backwards from the time you must be pulling out of the driveway to get to church on time. Let each family member know by what time they need to be finished with a particular task. Leave at least twenty minutes extra for minor emergencies like the baby spitting up on everything or a glass of milk spilled all over the floor.

Teach your family the importance of and process for being at church on time. Have a family home evening on Sunday morning preparation. Run drills in which everyone has to find their Sunday clothes and scriptures for a prize. Repeat as often as necessary. Cook part of the Sunday meal as a family and put it in the freezer. Let the one who is ready first on Sunday morning choose the flavor of Pop-Tarts for the next Sunday. That will keep expectations high! Be creative and repeat lessons as often as is needed. Plan a special reward when your family is in place before the meeting begins.

Prepare throughout the week for Sunday morning. Designate one day during the week to iron Sunday clothes and refuse to get the iron out at the last minute on Sunday. Truly use Saturdays as a "day we get ready for Sunday." Pack the diaper bag and other church bags on that day. Make sure everyone has a bath and shampoo Saturday night and has their clothes laid out. Clean up the kitchen Saturday night.

Prepare lessons and talks the Sunday before. This gives you time to review them throughout the week. Postponing talk and lesson preparations until Sunday is a disaster waiting to happen.

Successful Sunday morning routines can also spill over into weekday mornings, with their challenges of finding homework and packing lunches, and can eventually transform a frazzled family into an organized one.

"Whatever stage you are in, a regular routine will give family members a sense of predictability and order," Klein says. "Being on time is one outcome of a family routine that is working well."

However, don't be discouraged if it takes a few weeks to make your Sunday mornings more effective. Punctuality at church will probably not happen overnight, especially if being late has been your family's normal state for a while. Keep trying, and set the alarm clock fifteen minutes earlier each Sunday until you find your family in a pew, enjoying the prelude music.

Santa and the Christmas Spirit

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:00:00 -0700

by Janice Stringham LeFevre
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Stomach trembling, I looked up into my mom’s eyes as she tucked me into bed and arranged my menagerie of stuffed animals around me. Then I asked her the Santa question. With her answer, the enchantment of Santa and his magic disappeared like a sandcastle gobbled up by the rising tide.

It's one of the painful parts of growing up - losing the Christmas magic for a time, until we realize that it can return again when we create it for others.

But learning the full story of Santa was difficult for me in other ways - it laid the seeds of doubt in my mind about my parents always being truthful with me; it shook my trust in them. I wondered how they could say that they always told me the truth and yet had encouraged me to believe something false. Of course, when I grew older, I realized that my parents hadn't tried to deceive me; they'd just wanted me to experience the excitement of Santa's magic like they had when they were children.

After I married and my husband and I had children of our own, we thought deeply about how we would celebrate Christmas. We agreed to keep Christmas centered on the Savior while also creating the excitement and magic of Santa. We kept our focus on the Savior by reading scriptures and inspirational stories, keeping our gift budget small, and ensuring that at least half of our holiday decorations were religious.

As our children grew, my husband and I discussed how we were going to handle the "Santa question." We were determined to find a way to have Santa without creating confusion about trust and honesty. I was surprised that many other mothers were experiencing the same dilemma - how to provide Christmas magic and also keep the confidence of their children when the secret was revealed - but they, too, hadn't come up with a satisfactory solution.

My answer finally came in 1996 during a First Presidency Christmas Devotional. In his talk, President James E. Faust encouraged us to show our love for the Savior by emulating Him. The true spirit of Christmas, he said, was about serving others just as Jesus did. He pointed out that the highest form of service was anonymous and mentioned that Santa symbolized the spirit of anonymous giving. The light bulb went on! I realized there was a way that my husband and I could dovetail our desire to keep the focus of Christmas on Christ and prepare our children for the "Santa talk."

The next day, I went to the local dollar store and purchased a small Nativity for each family member, including my husband and me. Every few days during the next two and a half weeks, these Nativity figures - beginning with the animals and ending with baby Jesus - mysteriously appeared on our kitchen table along with a note signed by the Christmas Spirit. The note said that he was presenting these Nativity pieces to our family to help us keep the true spirit of Christmas by reminding us of the real reason for Christmas - to celebrate our Savior.

The Christmas Spirit visited our house for a couple of years before our eldest child was old enough to learn about Santa. That year, just before the holiday season began, I visited with him in private. I told him that I was working on a very special Christmas surprise and needed his help. I revealed that I was the Christmas Spirit and that I'd like him to be my assistant. He literally leapt with enthusiasm. I told him that he had to keep it a secret so that his sisters would not know where the presents came from. Together, we went to the store and picked out three inexpensive Christmas ornaments for each family member that featured the religious symbols of Christmas - angels, stars, and so forth. Throughout the month, I did all I could to build on his excitement and help him feel the joy of anonymous giving. Before setting out the ornaments at night, we would tiptoe through the house, trying not to giggle, and make sure everyone was asleep. When the gifts were discovered the next morning, he and I put on a big show of surprise, giving one another knowing grins.

A few days after Christmas, my husband and I met with our son to discuss his experience. First, we reminisced about everything we’d done that holiday season, then we asked, "What was your favorite thing?"

Without hesitation, he exclaimed, "Being the Christmas Spirit!"

"Why do you think that was the best part?" we asked.

"Because it was fun! No one knew it was me giving the presents!"

Together, we explored the reasons that anonymous giving brings such joy and satisfaction. We told our son that parents love to give anonymously to their kids at Christmastime, too. We said that we had a special secret about how we gave presents to him and his sisters without them knowing that they were from us. Then we asked him if he could guess who Santa Claus really was. He laughed as he connected the dots. He was so pleased to be grown up enough to share in our secret. We told him now that he was old enough to know about Santa, he could be Santa's helper and fill the Christmas stockings next Christmas Eve. We also asked him to promise us that he would not tell his sisters (or any other children) what he now knew about Santa so that we could remain anonymous. Our conversation ended with big hugs, excitement about Josh's growing up, and increased feelings of love and trust.

We followed this same pattern with each of our children as they became old enough to understand the role of Santa.

Our children are all teenagers now, and we still continue our tradition. Over the years, the Christmas Spirit has brought a variety of gifts - all focusing on the Savior. Some gifts are directly linked to Christmas; others are simply Christ-centered. We keep our gifts inexpensive and often purchase them at clearance sales, at dollar stores, or from the Church Distribution Center. Through this tradition, we have built up gospel libraries for our children and provided them with Christmas decorations they can use when they have homes of their own. Most importantly, we've kept the focus of Christmas on Christ and have built bonds of trust with our children.

If you ask our children about their cherished Christmas memories, they are sure to mention the year that they got to be the Christmas Spirit and learned about Santa.

The Joy of Anonymous Giving . . .

President James E. Faust stated, "Anonymous giving reflects the Savior's love. Those of us who contribute anonymously have sweet inner feelings of the Spirit that swell inside when we do something for others that cannot be traced back to ourselves. Anonymous giving gives the gift a higher form of sanctification" ["First Presidency Focuses on the Savior at Devotional," Ensign, February 2007, 74-75].

Stopping Cyber Bullies

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: As youngsters, we all recognized the bully—that black-jacketed kid who burned ants with a magnifying glass. Yet we also knew that if push came to shove, our parents could protect us. But kids today are encountering a new generation of bullies. In the technological age the tables have turned, and it is much more difficult for parents to protect their children from bullying. The new bully on the block is faceless and nameless - anyone with access to a computer or cell phone. Unfortunately, many parents are uninformed about this new trend and don't know how to respond to "cyber bullying" and its devastating emotional effects. After all, bloody noses and black eyes are much easier to nurture than emotional wounds, but there are ways for parents to help their children overcome the effects.

What is Cyber Bullying? Cyber bullying takes on many forms. There are websites ("online slambooks") on which people post hurtful messages and pictures about a person. Mean or threatening e-mails and text messages are other methods. One of the most popular forms is faking an identity through e-mail or social networking (such as Facebook or MySpace), using it to gain the confidence of an unsuspecting person, discovering personal information about him or her, and then posting it online.

Emotional Effects The most publicized cyber bullying incident to date is the Megan Meier case. In this instance, thirteen-year-old Megan was contacted by a boy named Josh Evans a few days after setting up a MySpace account. She became close online friends with this boy. However, a few months later, the messages took on a hurtful tone. The last message he indicated that "the world would be a better place" without her, and she took her life that same day. It was later discovered that a neighbor and her mother, Lori Drew*, had created the persona of Josh Evans and had used the account to punish Megan for gossiping.

Cyber bullying is often more damaging than verbal or physical bullying. Unlike traditional bullying, it can continue 24/7 because there is no "school day" for a website. Also, the messages are often posted for anyone to see. Anonymity shields cyber bullies from punishment, and unlike face-to-face bullying, where one can see the effects and possibly feel some remorse, cyber bullying cuts off the perpetrator from the consequences. Because there is rarely any feedback, the bully can participate without feeling as though he or she has done any harm.

Cyber Bullying and Your Child To help prevent your child experiencing this trouble, consider these signs, which researchers have found cyber-bullied children and teens to show: If your child consistently seems upset or anxious after using a cell phone or computer, he or she is most likely a victim. Other signs include avoiding friends, school, and activities.

Helping your child respond well to such acts can be a difficult process. Parents may find the following options valuable:

Have Internet guidelines. Websites such as Facebook and MySpace can be a great way to keep in touch with friends, but think hard about whether your child should set up an account. You might tell your child that he or she can set up an account if you know the password. There are also web-monitoring programs which can track your child's computer activities and conversations.

Don't ignore it. For years children have been told that ignoring the bully will make him or her stop, but Dr. Susan Lipkins, a bullying specialist, reports that 50 percent of the time the bully will stop when told to. Suggest that your child send the bully an assertive message telling him or her to stop.

Keep the messages. This may sound odd, but if the bullying gets to the point where you are going to press charges or alert the school authorities, you are going to need proof. This includes text messages, e-mails, websites, and instant message records.

Although you should keep the messages, don't leave them in your child's inbox. If the offense is an e-mail or instant message, forward it to your e-mail address or take a screen shot (a picture of the computer screen) by pressing the "Prt Scr" or "Print Screen" key (usually found at the top right of a keyboard); paste it into a blank document. Text messages can be forwarded to your phone, but make a note of the bully's phone number before deleting the message from your child's phone.

Report the bully. If the bullying continues after your child tells the bully to stop, take the next step, whether by filing a complaint to a website director or the school. Cyber bullying is generally a direct violation of the terms of use of a website. You can usually alert the bully's behavior to the website director by going to the "help" section of the site and searching for "report." Typically the bully will be suspended from the site for a certain amount of time.

If bullying is done through the district Internet system, contacting school authorities might be your best option. A school has the ability to give formal discipline to a child and contact the child's parents.

More information on these and other useful tips can be found at stopcyberbullying.org.

Above all, be open with and supportive of your son or daughter. Ask questions and foster a trusting relationship through understanding and guidance.

*In the first ever U.S. federal cyber-bullying case, Drew was convicted for felony conspiracy and three counts of misdemeanor unauthorized computer access. A federal judge has since dismissed the case, acquitting Drew of all charges.

Uncovering Scholarship Money

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Annette Lyon
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Finding the money to pay for college may be easier than you think. Scholarships are only for super-intelligent and seriously athletic kids, right?

Well, yes and no.

Academic and sports scholarships are some of the most widely known and sought-after scholarships, but there are plenty of other scholarships based entirely on other things. Enough money to pay for school can be found even if your child isn't class valedictorian or a star quarterback.

If students look hard enough for the money, they'll find it.

What you and your child shouldn't be looking for is a single, big scholarship that will cover tuition (or more) for four years. Instead, change your way of thinking and look for as many small scholarships as your child can qualify for. Many corporations, charities, companies, and other organizations offer small scholarships ranging from several hundred to a couple thousand dollars each.

Considering how expensive a college education is, that may not sound like much. But what if your child were able to land twenty or more scholarships, each averaging a thousand dollars? His or her entire education could be paid for.

Millions of dollars of scholarship money goes unclaimed each year for one simple reason: no one applied for it. Your child can be the one who snags the opportunity.

So how do you get smaller scholarships?

Plan Ahead During ninth or tenth grade (or earlier!), students should be thinking ahead to the kinds of things they'll need to include in a scholarship application. They won't be applying until eleventh or twelfth grade, but a lot of what will get them noticed by scholarship committees will be the activities they're involved in before that.

Encourage them to be part of school programs, look for leadership opportunities, join school clubs, do extracurricular activities, participate in service organizations and honor societies, or do anything else they might be interested in. Keep track of awards they receive, whether they're from scouting, the PTA Reflections contest, or a team or club. Remind them of the importance of recording all their major accomplishments and leadership roles, including club leaders, Church leadership (such as Laurel president), and any other noteworthy experience they have during high school.

Keep a running file of these kinds of items. Your student might not use them all, but he or she won't know for sure until it's time to fill out those applications.

Since a lot of scholarships are based on geography, race, gender, industry interest, and talent, students should also know to jot down anything about themselves that a specific scholarship might look for. They don’t want to miss out on a scholarship aimed at students in the Northwest, or one for students wanting to go into computer animation, or one for female students of Asian descent, if any of those things apply!

Creating Themes When it's time to fill out the applications, your child should pull out his or her file of activities and accomplishments. They should try to find patterns, such as service projects, leadership, ethnic identity, or interests and talents (athletics, science, music, etc.). These will be themes for scholarship applications.

Now students should expand on these themes by writing three solid examples for each one. Each example should describe their actions and accomplishments within that theme. The running file will be useful for ideas.

Examples need to be specific. "Participated in a Sub-for-Santa event" is pretty vague. For a student's participation, that could mean anything from donating a dollar to coordinating the entire event. However, "Spent 45 hours coordinating 15 high school students in a Sub-for-Santa drive, raising $2,400" is much more specific - and impressive.

When describing Church youth callings, they'll need to put the callings in terms that will make sense to members of a scholarship committee, who will not likely be Latter-day Saints. But even if a scholarship committee member knows what a "Laurel" is or what a "priests quorum secretary" does, describing the actual activities and accomplishments will come across better.

Again, callings should be described in actions. Instead of, "Laurel president for 10 months," the following works much better: "For 10 months, acted as president of church girls' group consisting of 8 young women ages 16 and 17. Helped plan and carry out weekly activities that included life skills and community service."

But students should try to be even more specific than that - what specific weekly activities, life skills, and community service projects were they involved in? How did they plan it? How many hours went into a specific service project? The more concrete their examples, the more likely they are to nab that scholarship.

Letters of Recommendation Many scholarships ask for letters of recommendation from teachers, employers, or other adults who know the student well. In order to meet application deadlines, students should be sure to ask for the letters well in advance so the writers have plenty of time to return them.

Reuse Materials Over and over students will find scholarship applications asking for similar items: letters of recommendations, themes, essays, transcripts, test scores, etc. Many of these can be used in several applications, especially if they're kept in computer files that your child can simply print out again. Those things students can't make computer copies of should be photocopied several times and kept on hand.

Finding the Scholarships Locating scholarships can be tricky if you don't know where to look. Here are a few places to start searching:

Start local. Ask businesses, radio stations, rotary clubs, etc., in your own community. You might find a small company with a scholarship that's gone unawarded for years.

Spread the word. Tell family, friends, co-workers, teachers, and neighbors that you're looking for scholarships - and that no scholarship is too small. Someone might come back with a little-known award through his or her employer or some other avenue that you never would have known about otherwise.

Use your student's school counseling office. Many have binders full of scholarship information. Academic counselors can point your child toward other resources.

Search scholarship directories. Bookstores and libraries have many such directories available every year, such as How to Go to College Almost for Free, by Ben Kaplan.

Use online scholarship search engines. Search for "scholarship search engines" and you'll find many great sites. Your student can input scholarship criteria, and the engine will come up with applicable scholarships.

Warning: No reputable organization or website will ever ask you to pay for providing scholarship information. Do not pay a person or website to hunt for you. Chances are you won't get enough funding to pay for their fees, let alone to pay for school.

Don't let your child put off planning for college. And remember that grades aren't everything. If students want to find money for school, it's there for the taking.

Internet Rules and Tools

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Ashton Kelley
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: For good or bad, the Internet is a way of modern family life. Navigating the Web safely can be difficult, but with a few rules and tools, it is entirely possible. The Internet has endless resources available at the click of a button. It allows us to do genealogy more efficiently than ever before. It helps us to keep in touch with friends and family, and it even enables us to shop from home!

Still, as with many good things, there are also drawbacks. The Crimes Against Children Research Center has found that one in five U.S. teenagers who regularly log on have been approached by sexual predators via the Web. And we all know about the increased risks of identity theft, the opportunity for cyber bullying, and the number of pornography sites.

But don't lose hope! There are six practical steps you can take to help you guard your family from danger in cyberspace.

Step 1: Get motivated! Before you can set up precautions, you have to know how to navigate your computer and the Internet. You may find that your children know leagues more about your computer than you do. So use this opportunity as a bonding experience and recruit your kids to help!

Step 2: Put safety before trust. Too often parents determine not to monitor their child's Web activity because they want to show trust in their children. There are other ways to do that. When it comes to the Internet, it's not about trust; it's about safety. It may be that your child is being watched by a predator without even knowing it. And, if any irresponsible or illegal activity is occuring on one of the devices you own (including cell phones), it won't be your child who's held accountable for it - it will be whoever owns the technology. If something inappropriate is being viewed on your computer, that Internet service provider (ISP) is probably registered to you.

Just to make it clear how important the issue of security is, consider a scenario. Say your child has a friend over regularly. Though neither you nor your child view anything inappropriate online, the friend has been viewing child pornography in your home. If the content is traced back to your ISP, you will be held responsible. You have no way to prove it was the friend. If for no other reason than keeping your own name off any sort of watchlist, it is crucial to keep an eye on all technological activity in your home.

Step 3: Understand the risks. In a presentation on Internet safety in April 2009, Marsali Hancock, president of the Internet Safety Keepsafe Coalition, discussed three safety touch points involved with online activity.

Contact: Who are your children contacting through the Internet? Are they meeting new friends online? Making friends online doesn't need to be forbidden, but it should be monitored very closely.

Content: Are there any parental controls or filters activated on your systems? If not, guaranteed at some point your children will stumble across offensive pictures or articles. They don't even have to look for it.

Conduct: How are your children behaving online? It is not uncommon for well-behaved children to have a different set of behaviors online. So check in with them frequently about the importance of kindness, on- and off-line.

Step 4: Know what to look for. Protecting your family in the cyberworld is not only about the Internet, but all electronic communication. You'll want to set parental controls on all desktops and laptops, cell phones, games consoles, and iPods with wireless access. Parental controls should be available on all of them, and they should be utilized. The Center for Missing and Exploited Children reports that only one third of U.S. households with Internet access protect their families with filtering or blocking software.

Still, your children can bypass the parental controls on their cell phones. And that Internet access is not monitored! Consider contacting your phone company to have cell phone Internet access blocked.

Step 5: Stay involved. Marsali Hancock also suggests you stay up-to-date with your kids. She warns, "If you're giving your kids privacy online, then everyone in the world knows what your kids are doing online except you." Here are three ways to stay involved:

Keep Current: Put an effort into keeping yourself familiar with whatever Internet involvements your kids have. Do they have Facebook or MySpace accounts? If so, then you need to get one too. What are their favorite websites or chatrooms? Make sure that you are spending time on those sites so that you can know what they're dealing with.

Keep Communicating: When all is said and done, there's only so much monitoring that you can do. It is important to communicate with your children. Help them understand the dangers of Internet activity and let them know what kind of behavior you expect. Also teach them about all of the wonderful resources available, and encourage them to seek out the content that will improve their lives. If they want to find a way around you, they will. So make sure that you're facilitating open communication.

Keep Checking: Do random checks on your child's Internet or cell phone history. They may have come across something accidentally; they may even be getting mean text messages. If so, you'll need to talk to them about what they've seen or read. Checking on them can provide great teaching opportunities.

Step 6: Make it a bonding experience. Make a family experience out of keeping your home safe. Sit down as a family and discuss your concerns. Allow your children to share with you what they hope to get from the Internet, and decide as a group what you want to do about it. Then, when you've come up with some goals as a family, ask your children to help you make it happen. Have them show you parental controls and look some up together. Then have everyone leave the room so that you can set the password. Parental controls are also available for game consoles, iPods, and cell phones.

What Teachers Wish You Knew

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: School doesn’t end with the bell. You, as a parent, want to be able to give your child the best education possible and as much help as he or she needs—but where do you start? And where do you draw the line? Even though your child may complain when sent off to school, don't underestimate the importance that he or she places on his school success. Achievement in school can have an amazing impact on your child's self-esteem.

Because teachers are professionally trained to help children learn, we've polled a few educators to get their opinion on how you can best help your child's education.

Communicate. Teachers want to resolve concerns as soon as possible, and are willing to talk to parents about the specific needs of their children. Marcie Gallacher, a former second grade teacher from Wilton, California, says that it is important to "keep lines of communication open. Talk to teachers about questions first, rather than other parents."

Start your relationship with your child's teacher right away. Attend back-to-school nights and open houses so that the teacher knows you are excited about your child's education, and tell the teacher specifically that you want to work together to make this year one of your child's best. Your children will have a much better school experience if you are working with their teachers, not against them.

Read to your children. Because of the effect reading has on all subjects (yes, reading helps with math, too!), teaching your child to read and continuing to read with him or her is an influential part in preparing your child for school. Hearing books read aloud affects students' independent reading and oral reading, says Gallacher.

Mike Cline, a teacher in Murray, Utah, agrees. "The reason many children act out is because either they can't read or they are not confident at reading, so they don't want to be called on."

Aside from reading to them, encourage your children to read on their own. Encourage your children to choose reading activities (rather than resort to them) by taking a trip to the library once a week. Let them leave their books out in the family room; they might see them and choose to read instead of watch television.

Talk to your kids about school. Mike Cline's wife, Laurie, teaches junior high in Taylorsville, Utah. She says, "One of the biggest things parents can do for us as teachers is to talk to their kids about school." Asking how their classes are going, what they are learning about, and if they need help studying for tests is extremely important, Laurie says. If children sense that education is important to you, it will be important to them, too.

Make an effort to spend more time with your children and talk to them about important things in their lives. If they express a concern to you about a school assignment, do your best to help them with it. Show them where to research the topic, but do not do your child's work for them. Teachers are well aware when parents have been doing their kids' homework, and they don't like it.

Be accepting. "I wish that parents would celebrate their children for their accomplishments as well as work with them on their deficiencies," says Annalisa Arizpe, a high school teacher from Clermont, Florida. "Be happy and show joy when your child improves. Accept their personal best.

"Accepting their personal best, however, doesn't mean that you can't help your child improve," Arizpe continues. "I wish that [parents] would look at the papers that their children bring home and really question their answers." Questions like, "Why did you believe that was the correct answer?" and "What could you have done differently?" are the types of questions that encourage, not discourage.

Get involved. "I am blessed to have several parents who volunteer on a regular basis," says Gretchen Kemp, another high school teacher in Clermont, Florida. "It just so happens that more times than not, these are the students who are straight-A students, those who put in the most effort, and go on to be great community volunteers, as well."

Being involved doesn't need to take lots of time from your already-packed schedule. It is understandable that a parent would be too busy to be the head of the PTA, but even bringing a snack in for a special day or chaperoning a short field trip is a big help to teachers.

But remember not to get too involved. Sometimes parents end up holding back their children when they are trying desperately to help. "I had one parent that every couple of weeks would pick up her eighteen-year-old daughter's missing assignments," says Arizpe. "She would return her child's work a couple of days later. This parent would also call me with questions that the girl had. It was too much, and in my opinion, this girl will never learn the importance of responsibility."

Take advantage of technology. We live in a time when almost anything can be found online, including your child's grades. "Most schools have grades available online; if that is the case, parents should check them often to see for themselves how their child is doing," says Laurie Cline. If you don't keep up with your child's schoolwork, you might be surprised and overreact when a child brings home a not-so-desirable grade. "Be aware of your child's grades. Do not wait until progress reports and report cards to show concern," says Arizpe.

With some help and prompting on your part, your child can learn to make the most of his or her education - and eventually become a steward over it. And if you remember to always support your children, take advantage of resources, and remind them to step up to responsibility, then you're sure to produce lifelong learners.

Home Entertainment: Hitting the Books

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Holly Newton and LDS Living Staff
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: With school starting up, so are reading assignments, and your kids will be looking for something enjoyable to fill their personal reading time. Check out these great reads recommended by national children's book reviewer Holly Newton. Pingo By Brandon Mull, Illustated by Brandon Dorman Shadow Mountain; $17.95

Written by the author of the New York Times best-selling Fablehaven series, Pingo is a charming story that teaches children that imagination has no limits and no age. Chad and his imaginary friend, Pingo, are best friends - until Chad decides he's too old to keep Pingo around. Trouble ensues when the loveable and mischievous imaginary friend refuses to leave. With delightful illustrations to accompany this one-of-a-kind tale, Pingo is a must-read. Now available.

The Boy Who Dared: A Novel Based on the True Story of a Hitler Youth By Susan Campbell Bartoletti Scholastic; $16.99

Based on a true account, this book tells the story of sixteen-year-old Helmuth Hubner, who is LDS. When he discovers that Germany is lying to the people, he tries to expose the truth with leaflets, but is caught and tried for treason. This inspirational story showcases a brave hero from World War II.

Burn My Heart By Beverley Naidoo Amistad; $15.99

Burn My Heart is a historical fiction set in Kenya in the early 1950s. The difficult era finds British families settled on land originally owned by the Kikuyu, but the real story showcases a friendship that transcends color of skin and bigotry. An eleven-year-old son of a white landowner enjoys the companionship of a thirteen-year-old Kikuyu whose family, until the British came, owned the land. As the story unfolds, you begin to see the great beauty that surrounds these two boys, like "the cluster of thorn trees" and an impala "with a magnificent set of curving, curling horns." However, they don't escape the problems that befall this country as the Kikuyu attempt to retrieve their birthright. In this powerful story, the lives of both boys change forever.

Obi, Gerbil on the Loose! By Michael Delaney Dutton Juvenile; $16.99

Obi, Gerbil on the Loose! is a delightful tale about a small and spoiled gerbil left, along with the other house pets, alone in the house when the family leaves for a vacation. Unfortunately, the teen paid to take care of all the pets forgets about Obi. So Obi must escape his cage in search of sustenance, in spite of the three mean cats who also live there. Obi encounters many exciting adventures as he searches for food, making this book a good segue into longer chapter books. Each chapter heading includes an ink drawing highlighting an upcoming event.

Lucky Breaks By Susan Patron Ginee Seo Books; $16.99

Susan Patron continues her Newbery Award-winning story, The Higher Power of Lucky, once again illustrating life in a small California desert town, where ten-year-old Lucky is about to learn the importance of family and friends. Lucky meets Paloma, with whom she immediately becomes best friends. But problems arise as she deals with other members of the town and leads Paloma on an adventure that gets them both in trouble.

Science Fair By Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson Disney Editions; $18.99

If you've not read any of Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson's books, you're missing out! Their three books about the beginning adventures of Peter Pan are wonderful. On another vein, Science Fair is their latest collaboration. Eighth-grader Toby and his geeky friends are about to uncover a plot involving the science fair that goes way beyond the deceitful student competitors. A made-up country is planning on taking over the U.S. by infiltrating the school's science fair and using the students to build their projects. The underlying humor in the book, along with the inventive plot, makes this a definite page-turner.

Wishworks Inc. By Stephanie Tolan, Illustrated By Amy June Eates Arthur A. Levine Books; $15.99

This chapter book is rich in imagination, with great pencil etchings sprinkled throughout. Max has to deal with moving to a new neighborhood and new school where he meets kids that pick on him. He imagines that he has a dog that helps out when the need arises. But when he encounters a store with a sign that says "Wishes Guaranteed," he's about to get more than he bargained for.

Holly Newton is a national children's book reviewer who recommends only books with content and ideas fitting an LDS audience. She is a past recipient of the International Reading Association Literacy Award and has reviewed children's books in newspapers and television for the past eleven years.

Seasonal Jobs for Kids

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Heidi Beutler
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: One of the best ways to teach your children the value of a dollar is to let them earn one. A lawn-care service is great, but what do they do after summer is over? Read over these suggestions with your kids to give them ideas for earning extra income all year round. Summer

1. Clean Barbecues

Use a grill brush to scrape off debris and grimy build-up. There are many different grill brushes, so be sure to select one that is suited to the surface you will be cleaning. When you are finished cleaning the inside of the barbecue, polish the outside and replace any briquettes that have cracked or are collecting grease.

2. Wash Cars Inside and Out

Go beyond a regular street corner car wash. Advertise that you can give the cars a fine, detailed cleaning. Pay close attention to windows. Wash and dry the inside and outside of each one carefully, leaving them sparkling and streak free. Dust the dashboard and control panel. Use disinfecting wipes to clean the door handles, armrests, and the steering wheel. Vacuum the floors and seats thoroughly.

3. Start a Lawn Care Business

A lot of kids want to mow lawns for money in the summer, so you need to make your services stand out. Include edging and trimming services in addition to mowing the lawn. Start at one corner of the yard and pay attention to keeping your lines parallel and straight to create a professional, diagonal stripe in the lawn.

4. Host a Story Hour

Organize a neighborhood story hour once or twice a week. For a reasonable fee, parents could send their children to your home to listen as you read a new book aloud. You might also consider putting on puppet shows or short plays.

Fall

1. Tutor

Tutoring takes a lot of dedication, patience, and planning. You need to be able to listen to your students and encourage them to ask questions, making sure that they understand everything before you move ahead. Be kind, follow up with them on previous sessions, and give generous praise. The most important thing you can do is make your students feel comfortable. Parents will be impressed and spread the word.

2. Help with the Harvest

Try picking produce on farms or in orchards, or simply help your neighbors harvest their gardens. To go the extra mile (and get extra money), help get the food ready for storage by washing, canning, or drying it. You can also prepare the garden for winter by removing old plants and picking up rotten fruit or vegetables.

3. Organize a Bake Sale

Aim for variety. Provide some non-baked goods, such as hot chocolate, wassail, candy, or cookie mix. Try decorating baskets or plates of treats with gift tags. This will allow you to sell more at a time and give customers a chance to buy great homemade gifts for their friends.

To maximize profit, gather a good-sized team of your friends. Divide the work and expenses into equal portions, and then split the profits evenly.

4. Rake Leaves

Ask your customers if they would like you to bag the leaves and remove them, or if they would prefer you to leave them in piles for their children to play in. Offer to spread the leaves in your customers' gardens or make a home composting station. Decomposing leaves can make a good fertilizer.

Winter

1. Make Holiday Cards

Create distinctive homemade cards to sell as the holidays draw near. Remember that people who want perfect cards can just waltz over to the nearest store and buy some, so your cards will sell better if they are original and have a simple, homespun feel to them.

Use different types of paper in as many textures and colors as you can find. Keep all of your scrap paper and use it to embellish your cards. You can also try using clipart, pictures, stickers, glitter, and other trinkets to make your cards unique and beautiful.

2. Master the Art of Gift-wrapping

Offer to wrap presents for your neighbors. You'll be amazed at how many people take you up on it.

Make sure you suit the wrapping to the occasion. Pay attention to color, sheen, and formality. Your finished product needs to look crisp and professional. Buy an assortment of large and small gift boxes. Use tissue paper, ribbons, and bows in different colors and textures to add pizzazz. Try creating special gift tags to personalize gifts.

3. Shovel Snow

Being efficient will allow you to shovel more snow in less time. Find a shovel with blade and handle sizes that are right for you. Using the wrong type of shovel puts more strain on your body, making the job more difficult. Before starting, spray the shovel with cooking spray so the snow doesn't stick. Also, try not to lift the snow - think of pushing it. When you finish shoveling, spread salt on all the walkways.

4. Polish Silver

Rinse each piece in hot water to remove dust and debris. Spread polish over the silver while it is still warm. After the surface of the silver is completely covered, concentrate on the tarnished areas. Rinse each item, carefully rubbing all the polish off. To prevent streaking and water spots, dry each piece thoroughly with a soft, lint-free rag. Your customers will want to use their silver at holiday parties, so buff each item to an impressively sparkly shine.

Spring

1. Clean Windows

After the basic wipe down, polish windows with a soft cotton cloth or a clean chalkboard eraser to give them an extra shine. To help prevent streaking, try wiping one side of the window horizontally and the other vertically. Washing windows on cloudy days also cuts down on streaks. You can repair small scratches in the glass by rubbing them with toothpaste.

2. Babysit Outside the Box

Successful babysitting is all about being creative. Pay attention to the likes and dislikes of the children you babysit, and plan fun, unique activities that spark their interests. Do something new each time you babysit - throw a tea party, draw a treasure map, or build a fort. Do things that will help the children remember you and request you the next time their parents go out.

3. Garden

Start your gardening business early in the year. You can help set up gardens, prepare ground, plan watering systems, and plant seeds. Later in the year, you can weed and tend the garden or offer your services doing other kinds of yard work.

Try to do your gardening work in the mornings. The soil will usually be damp, making it easier to weed.

4. Create a Dog Care Center

To draw customers in, advertise all the things you can do to make pooch care easier for them. Try creating a salon for dogs: offer to wash, brush, and groom them. You could also organize a dog-walking service or try your hand at cleaning out cages and kennels. If you are an animal lover, expand this business to fit the needs of any type of pet.