Mormon Life - Marriage

Date Night: Get Your Blood Flowing

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by LDS Living Staff
source: MormonLife.com

Active date nights are popular, but sometimes it can be hard to think of all the options. Read through these common and obscure activities and see if any could make a fun (and new) summer date night for you and your sweetheart.

Swinging at the park
Biking
Skateboarding
Hiking
Kayaking
Canoeing
Tubing
Rappelling
Rock climbing
Walking
Running
Skating
Jumping on a trampoline
Playing at a water park
Surfing
Body boarding
Wakeboarding
Parasailing
Paragliding
Golfing or hitting golf balls
Playing tennis

Anniversary Gifts with a Twist

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Ashley Evanson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Wedding anniversaries are the perfect opportunity for married couples to express and celebrate their love for each other. Tradition goes that for each anniversary there is a specific material to be given—increasing in strength and value—which symbolizes the dedication and investment of the relationship. Not to mention, legend has it that corresponding certain substances with a specific number of years brings luck. No one knows exactly how the traditional anniversary gift list came to be, but we do know it contains some origins that go all the way back to medieval Europe. Historians say that in Germany it was tradition for a husband to present a silver garland to his wife on their 25th wedding anniversary representing the harmony needed for so many years of marriage, and then a gold garland on their 50th - hence the popular terms "silver" and "golden anniversary."

In the Victorian Era the tradition became a little more precise. Because Victorians were fond of classifying and cataloguing, they began to make a more detailed list of anniversary gifts, although no one is sure exactly who started it and when. One gift known for sure to have come from the Victorian Era is that of diamonds for the 60th year of marriage. Queen Victoria of the English Empire celebrated her 60th anniversary of accession to the throne in 1897. The event was known as the Diamond Jubilee, and the anniversary theme stuck.

Then in 1922, Emily Post listed the "eight anniversaries known to all" in her Blue Book of Social Usage - the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th, 25th, 50th, and 75th. She went on to acknowledge the modern trend of celebrating additional anniversaries, and presented a new list of gifts for the first fifteen years and every five after that.

Traditionally, gifts given in the early years of marriage are more practical and seen as a sort of extension of wedding gifts, with those given in later years as being more luxury gifts. However, a lot of the traditional materials are a bit out of date and couples don't exactly need - or want - something made from, say, tin. Without throwing tradition out the window, you can still follow the anniversary guide and find ways to modernize your gifts. Here are some suggestions.

The First Anniversary: Paper

Paper is given for the first year of marriage because it represents the fragility of the relationship. But it also can by symbolic of your strength as a couple, just as paper has a subtle strength from its individual, interlaced threads. Its inexpensive quality reflects what most newlywed couples can afford, and is thus appropriate. But instead of the traditional stationary set, try something fresh. There are lots of things made out of paper that can say "I love you."

Plan a romantic picnic using paper plates and cups. Make it a date by preparing the meal together, planning activities for the picnic like reading or flying kites, and bring along a CD for some music.
Mail a postcard to your spouse with a scene of where the two of you will visit for your anniversary.
Tickets to a concert or sports event can be a fun way to celebrate. You can even tuck the tickets into the day's newspaper next to the entertainment or sports section for more effect.
Board games and puzzles are a great gift and give you something inexpensive and fun to do together or with friends.

The Second Anniversary: Cotton

A rope hammock in the backyard can be a place for the two of you to relax together. Not to mention, it's a gift that will last through the years, giving you plenty of opportunities to spend a quiet afternoon together.

The Third Anniversary: Leather

Give your spouse a pair of leather gloves made for their favorite hobby. For example, get him a pair of leather golfing or driving gloves, or give her a pair of gardening gloves. And don't forget to throw in a voucher for an afternoon date to do that hobby together.

The Fourth Anniversary: Fruit or Flowers

When your spouse gets home, have a trail of rose petals leading them up to the door. Prepare chocolate covered strawberries or a fruit salad.

The Fifth Anniversary: Wood

The bond of marriage after five years is represented by wood - it is strong and long-lasting. The tree is a universal symbol for life and many cultures associate it with the life of a couple. In parts of India when two people marry, a pair of trees is joined in a symbolic wedding so that vitality and life are transferred to the couple. A tree also has roots, symbolic of a married couple's growing strength and durability. And lastly, by this point in the marriage, many couples have started to have children and are beginning family trees of their own. It's very symbolic for the couple to give the gift of a tree on this wedding anniversary.

Plant and nurture a tree together; it is emblematic of nurturing your own relationship. By planting a fruit tree, you can watch how the fruits of your labors grow and produce something beautiful.

Trees with symbolism include the oak tree, which represents solidity; a red maple, representing passion; and the flowering crab tree, which represents eternal love.

The Sixth Anniversary: Iron

Give your spouse a gift that helps with his or her "Iron Chef" skills. Sign up for a cooking class together and learn to cook a special dish for one another. You can even buy your spouse a recipe book and mark some of the recipes you'd like to make together.

The Seventh Anniversary: Wool

A wool blanket is perfect for snuggling up together on a special cabin getaway. And if you can't make it to a cabin, you can even spend a romantic evening snuggled up at home, watching movies and chatting.

The Eighth Anniversary: Bronze

Nothing says "I love you" like a beach vacation for the two of you. Give your spouse a bottle of bronzing lotion and sandals to use on the beach.

The Ninth Anniversary: Pottery

Together, go to a home furniture store like Pottery Barn and pick out a new timepiece for your home.

The Tenth Anniversary: Tin

After a decade of marriage, a couple is more flexible and their relationship is not as breakable. Tin is a perfect symbol of the malleability of a good relationship. It also can have a metaphorical meaning - tin is weaker when standing alone, but when combined with another metal, it is strengthened and is able to hold up better.

Tin by itself is not used to make many things any more, but who could forget nostalgic luncheon tins? Pack a delicious meal in some spiffy tins and go to a concert in the park together. And don't forget to bring a bottle of sparkling cider to celebrate your decade!

The Eleventh Anniversary: Steel

For those buns of steel you both want, sign the two of you up for a gym membership. If you already have one, give yourselves a couple sessions with a personal trainer.

The Twelfth Anniversary: Silk

Fold a pair of silk pajamas on the bed and tuck a note into the pocket telling your spouse to pack the new gift for a night together at a nice hotel downtown. Or try a silk tie for him, silk sheets, or a silk scarf for her.

The Thirteenth Anniversary: Lace

Give your spouse lavender and lace - two beautiful and romantic plants. Buy a silver lace vine and lavender bushes, along with a shiny new spade for your spouse. And make sure to plant them together!

The Fourteenth Anniversary: Ivory

Have dinner at a classy restaurant that has live piano music and secretly tip the pianist to tickle the ivories with "your" song.

The Fifteenth Anniversary: Crystal

A bag of bath salts and crystals is perfect for ultimate relaxation. Tie a note to the bag telling your spouse to get ready for a day of pampering at a spa.

The Twentieth Anniversary: China

Because most couples either already have a set of china or have no need for one, try something a little more imaginative. Cook a nice Chinese meal that ends with fortune cookies, each stuffed with a personalized message that gives clues to the true anniversary gift.

The Twenty-fifth Anniversary: Silver

This flexible, yet durable, metal is symbolic of wisdom and peace - attributes couples have no doubt started to acquire after twenty-five years of marriage. By now, they've learned from their past, gaining new insights on the world and each other, and have found peace with themselves and their differences as husband and wife.

Celebrate the occasion with a silver screen-themed jubilee. The silver screen era was Hollywood's most glamorous and lavish period, so what better way to commemorate your marriage than star in your own silver screen production? Decorate everything in silver, using movie tickets and other movie memorabilia. Invite friends and family to enjoy a film with pictures and clips of the two of you from over the years.

The Thirtieth Anniversary: Pearl

The world is your oyster - your kids already have moved or are close to moving out, you're established, and the world is yours for the taking. It's finally time to do that one thing your spouse and you have always wanted to do. Whether it's a home improvement project, a class, music lessons, or a trip around the world, give your sweetheart the gift you've dreamed up together.

The Thirty-fifth Anniversary: Coral

Take a day out on the town and visit the best aquarium in your area. Afterward, take your sweetheart to a nice seafood dinner.
If this year allows for a getaway, give your spouse a disposable underwater camera so they can take pictures of flashy fish and coral while snorkeling on your tropical vacation.

The Fortieth Anniversary: Ruby

Make them a memory book full of pictures from your wedding, with your family, and from over the years. You can even include stories you've gathered from friends and family. Put it in a ruby red album with a red color theme.

The Forty-fifth Anniversary: Sapphire

Staying young at heart is important, so for this anniversary be adventurous and take a ride in a hot air balloon through beautiful sapphire skies.

The Fiftieth Anniversary: Gold

Gold is one of the most valued precious metals. It represents perfection, as well as a couple's goal to obtain perfection as husband and wife. It's a timeless metal, just like your marriage after fifty beautiful years together.

Host a gold-themed party with friends and family. By now, you probably have grown children and grandchildren and friendships that have lasted over the years, and your 50th wedding anniversary will be a grand celebration, honoring you and your spouse's golden years together.

Dealing with My Husband’s Anger

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Dr. Elia Gourgouris
source: MormonLife.com

Dear Dr. Elia,

My husband I are very active members of the church. We have a lot of stress in our home just with all the activities going on and now the economy has put a stop to our income.

Over the years my husband has had a habit of reacting to problems with anger always looking for someone or somewhere to place blame or responsibility. He will regularly get angry at me or the kids, and it is difficult to get back into a loving atmosphere. He berates me for not appreciating him, being his cheerleader, comforting him, etc. It's like trying to love a porcupine. His anger drives me away, and I feel somewhat more guarded in our relationship in these last years because of his verbal attacks on me. I know he needs my help and support, but how do I work this out in my mind to be loving when I feel so hurt on a regular basis? Do I just need to grow up and accept this? I have talked to him about his anger issue and suggested counseling for us but he thinks it is not needed.

Beth

Dear Beth,

This is an issue that often comes up when working with couples. There are three ways to empty the "emotional bank account" in a marriage. It's called the "AAA," which stands for Adultery, Addiction, and Abuse. Your husband's behavior as you describe it falls under the third category, as verbal and emotional abuse. Over the years you may have become accustomed to being treated this way, but that does not make it justified under any circumstances.

You're wondering if you "need to grow up and accept this." That is an amazing statement for an outsider like myself to embrace! It only makes sense because you've become used to it. No woman in the Church deserves to be treated this way. Do you remember who you are? A daughter of your Heavenly Father! Do you think He would approve of your husband's "habit"? I suggest that you tactfully share Doctrine and Covenants 121:39-41 with your husband, which reads in part, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned."

If this is too hard to do by yourself, please seek the support of your ecclesiastical leaders, like your bishop or stake president.

You are correct in suggesting counseling to him, but his pride keeps him from seeking help. I wonder if he would turn down an offer of assistance from his bishop?

He not only could use some counseling, but more specifically Anger Management classes. There are plenty of resources, if he has the desire to overcome this detrimental behavior. I'm concerned that if things continue without any change, whatever love you have for him will eventually disappear. I have seen it countless times in similar circumstances: The wife endures the verbal and emotional abuse until the youngest child graduates from high school and heads off to college. Soon after she files for divorce and ends the dysfunctional marriage. I hope you have a very different outcome, for yourself, your children, and also for him.

He cannot possibly be happy when he treats you this way. Somewhere deep down he must know that his behavior is wrong—even if he doesn't admit it. It takes real humility to say to you that he has been wrong and has offended you, and God, by his outbursts all these years. It takes courage on your part to put an end to it, but you are not alone. Seek the help and guidance from those in positions to help.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris

Dr. Elia Gourgouris, PhD, is a nationally known speaker and marriage expert, and is the author of The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving! (buy here). With over twenty years of experience, he coaches LDS couple throughout the United States and enjoys speaking at BYU Education Week and Time Out for Women. He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

To get more relationship and coaching advice from Dr. Elia, visit www.AskDrElia.com, www.LDSCoaching.com, or call 303.523.6396.

Seasons of Marriage

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Dr. Elia Gourgouris
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Nature has her seasons—summer, fall, winter, spring—but so does each marriage. How do we make it through each—and love it? The following are suggestions on how to thrive, not just survive. What is it that separates successful couples from those that chronically struggle in their marriage? One of the critical differences I've observed over the last twenty years as a marriage counselor and coach is their ability to navigate through the different "marriage seasons."

These seasonal ups and downs can occur during any phase of marriage, the first of which is the newlywed phase, where couples first establish their priorities and learn to share their lives together. That phase is followed by the "having children" phase, and then the "raising a family" phase, which is usually the most demanding, stressful, and "endure-to-the-end" sort of phase. After all those years, couples finally enter the last phase, called the "empty nester," and they are fully engaged in helping out with the grandkids and enjoying a second honeymoon.

Let's back up for a moment though and talk about a basic tenant of all marriages. Every relationship has its very own checking account. Every day, we go to "work" to earn a paycheck, which we deposit into this "account." At the same time we may find ourselves making withdrawals from the marriage account for a variety of reasons. The health of our marital checkbook will depend on the difference between these deposits and withdrawals.

Before we get married, the deposits are plentiful and the withdrawals few—usually making our bank account full. We accomplish that by opening doors and being polite, staying up to talk until the wee hours of the morning, and even more impressively, listening attentively to every word. And when the day is done, we can't wait to reunite so we can do it all over again. The deposits are plentiful, so we proceed to make the most important decision of our lives: to spend our lives - and usually all eternity - together.

Unfortunately, as confirmed by thousands of couples I've interviewed, something happens soon after the honeymoon ends. Sometimes it begins slowly. Other times it's surprising and abrupt. We begin to hear things like, "He/she changed after we got married," or, "We started drifting apart." If those sound familiar to you, well, there's a very logical explanation.

Typically, withdrawals start to increase and deposits start to decrease. It doesn't necessarily happen overnight. It is, however, a steady and progressive depletion of the bank account. Eventually, but not surprisingly, we find ourselves and our marriage living paycheck to emotional paycheck.

The solution to this unfortunate turnaround is the concept of D.T.E. - Define the Expectations. In all relationships, expectations are the key to success or failure.

Clearly communicated, understood, and agreed-upon expectations always lead to deposits; lack of clarity, miscommunication, or disagreements over expectations most likely result in withdrawals. We will be looking at three areas where there is great need for clear expectations during each season: emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy.

Summer

Summer love is bliss, and newlyweds shower each other with deposits. But surprisingly, in the first six months of my own marriage, my wife and I both felt like we weren't getting our needs met. How was that possible when we both felt like we were working so hard on our marriage? So much love, hope, and optimism about our eternal union, and yet we were not fully connecting. It was puzzling. Fortunately, we were able to set aside our hurt feelings and sit down and very openly and honestly discuss our differences. We had to learn to identify our love languages.

We quickly learned that we were both giving what we hoped the other person would give back in return. My love language was physical touch; different from sexual touch, I felt love through holding hands, hugs and kisses, and back and feet rubs. I used this language to show love to my wife - for the first six months of our marriage, I hugged and kissed her to death. But that's not how she felt love. She felt love through words of affirmation. And she showed it this way; I had never been thanked so many times about everything I did.

After we identified these differences came the hard part. The key to success is to love your spouse the way he or she needs to feel loved, not what comes easily or naturally to you. It's in the getting outside of our comfort zone and "stretching" that true love and service can be found.

The change to our marriage took place the night after we spoke, when she cooked a delicious dinner. I thanked her and complimented her on her cooking. The results were almost magical: she started hugging and kissing me, and I've been saying "thank you" ever since!

The most common five love languages - according to The Five Love Languages author Dr. Gary Chapman - are acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time. It is vitally important to take the time to ask specifically what things make one another feel the most loved . . . and then become willing to show your love in that manner, even if it doesn't come easily. Note that as time and circumstances change, so do our love languages. It is important to re-check with each other every few years to make sure that we are still putting deposits in the right account!

Defining spiritual expectations plays a vital role in establishing a spiritual home. One of the best habits to establish early on is reading the scriptures together and saying couple prayers. If this is not established during this phase, I can promise you that when the next phase comes around, it will be missing in action.

Physical intimacy can be one of the most powerful and beautiful ways of communicating love to one another. Tenderness and consideration for each others’ feelings is of utmost importance. Conversely, lack of these qualities can very easily empty the account. Communicating expectations and desires is a critical factor in ensuring that falling in love goes far beyond the initial physical attraction. It encompasses a deep and profound emotional and spiritual connection, an attractiveness of the mind, heart, and spirit - a friendship that will endure well in the decades ahead.

Fall

The fall intimacy season usually arrives with the welcome news of, "Honey, guess what- I'm pregnant." Though that's said in jest, it is true. Fall can be a great season as we prepare for the arrival of our first child and transition from being a couple to a family. As for emotional intimacy, this is perhaps the greatest time to bond. Once again, we need to redefine our expectations as our emotional intimacy enters a new phase. Husbands have a tremendous opportunity to exceed expectations by extending themselves in service. Helping out at home, as well as being more patient, will go a long way toward maintaining our connection. If ever there was a time for us to activate our "sensitivity gene," this is the time! And for the wife, the attention naturally shifts more toward her, so she should make sure that her husband doesn’t feel left out.

Make Friday or Saturday night a date night. My wife and I made this a priority early on, and I can honestly say that we have kept up on our date nights quite consistently. Over the years, social activities, travel, illness, or other unforeseen events have kept us from dating every single week. It's interesting to notice, however, that if we miss more than two weeks in a row, we both start to feel somewhat disconnected.

Physical intimacy naturally changes when a couple is expecting their first child. The priority shifts from "the two of us" to "starting a family." During this time it is very important to maintain a physical connection, even if frequency is not as regular. It is paramount that the husband continues to compliment his wife as her body changes. This is likely the first time she's undergoing so many dramatic changes with hormones and body image, etc., and her self-esteem can dip dramatically.

Winter

Now we have what is called the "winter of our discontent" in terms of relationships. It could be because the exhausted and overwhelmed couple is now expecting another child, and the others are all under age six, or because they have drifted apart over the years. Whatever the reason, it does not mean they have to stay disconnected forever. If there are unresolved issues that have gotten in the way of intimacy, they need to be addressed and resolved. Often resolving this discontent takes a concerted effort to reconnect emotionally with one another. Spending quality time together is no longer just a suggestion - it's a necessity.

Here are some suggestions: Even though both parties are exhausted at the end of the day, have a fifteen-minute minute pillow talk and catch up. Go for a walk around the block while pushing the stroller - talking (and more importantly listening) to each other will bring great rewards. I again highly encourage that when we feel disconnected, we re-examine each other's love languages. Remember that over time we all change. Perhaps the husband has been traveling recently and craves quality time with his wife. In years past, quality time was third or fourth on his list, but with the change in circumstances, his needs have shifted. Without an honest discussion, that need could easily fall through the cracks.

I also extend a word of caution in the area of spiritual intimacy during this season. Through my personal and professional experience, I have come to the following conclusion: couple scripture study and prayers are almost nonexistent. Most of us say our family and personal prayers and read scriptures with our kids, but by the time the last kid is in bed, we're too tired to pray together. At no other time in our marriage is it more important to connect spiritually with one another and ask for divine assistance for our marriage, our children, and ourselves. This is the time we need most to be going on weekly dates—and yes, going to the temple counts as a date!

Spring

Just as nature renews itself, so can marriages. Rest assured - even after the fiercest winter, spring will come. The pregnancy phase eventually stops. Kids grow up and become more independent. Stress and time demands usually diminish. This is the time to cash in on the years of effort you've put into your marriage, working through issues and sacrificing for one another. This season is the reward.

I know of so many couples who are now in their 50s and 60s who are enjoying a renewal in their relationship. For some it's even better than seasons enjoyed before. These couples have grown closer together over the years, matured, endured life's difficulties, and they have improved their emotional and spiritual intimacy. Physical closeness is now the icing on the cake for enduring so well. Finally they have the opportunity to experience the warmth and renewal of life, hope, and love that surely comes with the spring.

________ Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker and marriage expert and the author of The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving! With over twenty years of experience, he coaches LDS couples throughout the United States and enjoys speaking at BYU Education Week and Time Out for Women. He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children. You can reach Dr. Gourgouris at LDSCoaching.com or AskDrElia.com.

Parenting a Blended Family

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Dr. Elia Gourgouris
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: This is our second marriage, and we both have very different parenting styles. How do we avoid this ruining another marriage? Dear Dr. Elia

My husband and I have been married for a couple of years. This is our second marriage, and we both have children from our first marriages. We love each other but have very different parenting styles, and we often find ourselves and our children in conflict. We don't want this to ruin another marriage - what can you suggest?

Thank you,

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

That is an excellent question, but before I answer it, I'd like to emphasize one very important point: different parenting styles are not exclusive to blended families and their children. As a matter of fact, they afflict most parents, and there is a good reason for it. When we get married, most of us have an idea of what kind of parents we would like to be, and it typically comes from how we grew up ourselves. We either try to emulate those things we admired about our parents, or we vow to do exactly the opposite of what our parents did.

With regard to your question, blended families carry the additional burden of having to deal with the emotional baggage that a divorce (or deceased spouse/parent) always brings. Unfortunately, raising children and step-children can stretch a new couple in ways they had never imagined, sometimes pushing them to the brink of divorce. You are wise to seek outside counsel early on in your marriage as a prevention, which is always less expensive emotionally, spiritually, and financially than waiting until the problems grow to mountainous proportions.

1) Find some quiet time with your husband to talk, pray, and more importantly, listen to each other's ideas and points of view. As the spirit guides you, look for a win-win outcome. This isn't about who is right, but it is about which approach is best. For example, if my wife has the right idea about something that pertains to our children, it would behoove me not only to listen, but also to support and embrace it. What would be the benefit if, by disregarding this advice out of pride or other reason, I ultimately harm those children I claim to love more than anything?

2) Once you are more aligned with your spouse, you need to get "buy-in" from the children. This is best achieved by having a monthly "PPI" (personal parent interview). In our family, we typically do this on Fast Sunday, when we meet with each child individually with the purpose of understanding their point of view. After prayer and inviting the spirit, we ask them specifically about school, friends, church, personal spiritual growth, and their relationship with mom, dad, and each of their siblings. We look at what is working, what is not working, and what they would like to see changed. After that, throughout the month, we support, encourage, and also hold them accountable to the promises they have made. We also encourage them to hold us accountable, as we are not perfect parents, and we have much to learn and improve from understanding our children's point of view.

3) Finally, you must work as a family to fully embrace the gospel together, not by merely going through the motions. By this I mean having daily family meaningful scripture study, sincere family prayer, and weekly family councils and family home evenings. It is so important to avoid having cliques within families, especially blended families, such as "my kids vs. your kids," "boys vs. girls," "oldest vs. youngest." The best way to do so, is through family councils, where each member of the family can (in a constructive and positive way), express their fears, concerns, hurts, and successes. This especially allows the children to have a voice without behind-the-scenes manipulations, or playing one parent against the other.

I recognize that it takes a tremendous amount of extra energy and time to bring these things about, but what could be the outcome of embracing these true and enduring principles? In my personal and professional experience, the outcome is what every parent wishes for: a united, thriving, spiritual family, where growth is encouraged, and love is expressed (daily, if not hourly). As parents, we all want our children to be happy, and there is no shortcut. This is the way!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris

Dr. Elia Gourgouris, PhD, is a nationally known speaker and marriage expert, and is the author of The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving! (buy here)With over twenty years of experience, he coaches LDS couple throughout the United States and enjoys speaking at BYU Education Week and Time Out for Women. He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

To get more relationship and coaching advice from Dr. Elia, visit www.AskDrElia.com, www.LDSCoaching.com, or call 303.523.6396.

My husband thinks I'm too churchy

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:00:00 -0600

by Dr. Elia Gourgouris
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: My husband thinks I'm "too churchy," but our religion is my whole life! What can I do to help our marriage? Dear Dr. Elia,

My husband has accused me of being "too churchy." His attitude is that you can still get to heaven without listening to General Conference, missing church or other activities to go camping or vacationing, not attending the temple and just living good.

I must admit that I am a "Molly Mormon." I try to serve others regularly in and out of my home. I fast every month, attend the temple alone, conduct family prayer and scripture study by myself. He has totally missed the boat! Our religion is my whole life!

I don't want to have such negativity in my home. I want our marriage to be a celestial one and for our home to reflect the life of Christ. Our children are at a tender age now, and I want them to be strong in the gospel. What can I do to help our marriage?

Melinda

Dear Melinda,

You bring up an interesting topic that unfortunately seems to afflict quite a few LDS couples. The idea that doing what you believe necessary to follow our Savior somehow makes you "too churchy" seems rather odd. Your best comment is when you say that "our religion is my whole life!" Being a member of the LDS faith by definition makes you live your religion on a daily basis. This is not a Sunday-only kind of church.

The main issue afflicting your marriage is lack of spiritual intimacy! I would encourage you to have a heart to heart discussion with your husband. You can also do it in front of a third party like your Bishop, if you think it will have a more desired outcome. The success of the discussion will be greatly influenced by the tone and spirit in which it will take place.

Spiritual intimacy involves a mutual desire to grow spiritually both individually and as couple. Having a meaningful scripture study and a heartfelt prayer would be a good place to start. Read your Patriarchal blessings together because there are treasures waiting to be discovered for both of you! It is important for you not to come across as self-righteous or "holier than thou." Since you have no control over his behavior, the best approach is one of love, patience - even long-suffering, as it says in the scriptures.

You might want to ask him about your children. Does he want them serving missions and getting married in the Temple? If not, then tell him not to change a thing because they will most likely follow the path of least resistance. If, however, he'd like for them to do those things, then it will fall upon him to make some significant spiritual changes in his own life.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear a word you are saying." Kids spot hypocrisy a mile away . . . so how does he want to be remembered by his kids? As for you, stay true to your values. Be strong, faithful and continue to choose the right! You will never regret it; besides, by doing so, you will fulfill your stewardship as a mother. As for your husband, at some point in his life, he will need the Savior's help. Eventually life will bring him to his knees. I hope he chooses to do the right thing without pain causing him to reconsider his relationship with God.

Dr. Elia

---

Dr. Elia Gourgouis, PhD, is a nationally known speaker and marriage expert, and is the author of The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving! (buy here)With over twenty years of experience, he coaches LDS couple throughout the United States and enjoys speaking at BYU Education Week and Time Out for Women. He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

To get more relationship and coaching advice from Dr. Elia, visit www.AskDrElia.com, www.LDSCoaching.com, or call 303.523.6396.

Making Valentine's Day Shine

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:02:00 -0700

by LDS Living Staff
source: MormonLife.com

While special events make Valentine's Day lovely to begin with, details make the day shine. Here are a few simple things to make Valentine's extra special all day long.

Write love notes and place them throughout the house.
As soon as possible, write notes of love or gratitude and put them in places that aren't obvious, but that your sweetheart will eventually see as he or she goes through their day. If you can't think of multiple things, use one of the silly (but sweet) Valentine's cards from your child's store-bought box and leave it for your spouse; it's sure to warm the heart and get a little laugh.
Be a gentleman, and be a lady. Men: Remember to open car doors, theatre doors, restaurant doors, or any other doors you come across (except the lady's room door) for your wife. Furthermore, make sure to pull out her chair when she sits down for dinner, if the waiter isn't trained to do so. And ladies: once you're in the car, reach over and open the door for your husband; hold open other doors for him as he walks through. It's a little way for you to show kindness to him.
Give an unexpected rose. Arrange for a single rose to be at your table for dinner, if you're dining out. If not, find another way to give your wife a rose during the evening--whether it's at the home dinner table or it's placed by her sink before bed. Consider a special color: Red=Love, White=Purity, Yellow=Happiness, Orange=Desire, Pink=Gratitude.
Hold hands. This small expression of love can be obliterated as the years go by. So, when the two of you are walking from place to place during the day, remember to hold hands with one another. At dinner, move drinks and plates out of the way so you have a clear space to reach across the table and clasp hands.
Make the ambiance romantic at home. Follow through with the ideas you've had to play music, light candles, and arrange the room for a special evening. Doing things that show planning are especially meaningful for both men and women; it means that you've thought about him or her when you were apart, and you worked harder to make time together extra special.

And so that Valentine's Day isn't just one of a few days you go out of your way to show love, try incorporating one or two of these suggestions on a monthly basis.

Tying Another Knot

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:30:00 -0600

by Dawn Cannariato
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: AS LATTER-DAY SAINTS, WE ENTER INTO marriage with strong commitment and great hopes for a long, joyful relationship in this life and the next. However, whether through divorce or the death of a spouse, many Church members find themselves unexpectedly single again. Some are able to move forward by falling in love and remarrying. And while second marriages come with many unique challenges, such as blending families and overcoming grief, they can be both successful and rewarding. Here are some insights from six people who have graciously agreed to share some of their greatest challenges and greatest joys of second marriages with us.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO LAUGH I found myself a widow at age twenty-seven with two small daughters. As dearly as I loved my husband, he was not with us any more. Was I to live the rest of my life raising our children alone and living alone? This can be a very difficult decision for many who find themselves single again after being married. Having been very aware of the joys and challenges of marriage, I wasn't as naive and optimistic as I was at nineteen, when I was married the first time.

At twenty-seven, with children, I was keenly aware of the seriousness of choosing another husband. After some time had passed, a good friend arranged a blind date with a widower she knew. Talk about terrifying! But we actually enjoyed each other's company and had things to talk about because we both were widowed and both had children. We dated for several months, and then spent the holidays separately, to honor the holiday memories we had made previously. We were married in the spring and took a spring break trip, just the eight of us. I'm not sure what we were thinking when we entered into this marriage, but as they say, go into marriage with eyes wide open, and thereafter, have eyes half shut.

Making a second marriage successful can be very fun, but quite challenging. We spent a lot of time on our knees, pleading for direction. While alone, I found myself having many conversations with the "other wife," asking how to best guide and love her children. I know that she helped me, because sometimes I would say something and my husband would say, "That's just what she would have said." We also had our own adjustments to make between the two of us. Sometimes we would slip and call each other the wrong name. It just would happen, and we would have to laugh and know that it was all good.

We had to learn not to compare each other to our first spouses. We were different, and sometimes different was good. I often felt that I was being compared to a perfect person. I think when someone young and vibrant dies, those left behind often venerate that person to an imaginative degree, and I felt, as the new wife, that I simply couldn't compete with perfection.

As I learned that no one is perfect, I gradually have tried to stop being disappointed with myself for being human. I have learned to love someone else's children as my own. I have learned to love and forgive and move on, while remembering good things and sweet times and cherished memories. One of our favorite family activities is to watch old home movies on Sunday evenings. It is vitally important for our children to have these memories and to know that ours is one big family, even though some members have gone on ahead.

Hot Cakes: The Top Ten Wedding Cake Trends

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:14:00 -0600

by April E. Osborn
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Your wedding cake is the centerpiece of your entire reception, so just like everything else, you'll want to make sure that it reflects exactly what you want. Your individual taste will determine what kind of cake you choose, but in order to make that choice an educated one, here's a collection of ten wedding cake trends for 2008.

Rewriting the Wedding Cake

More and more couples are choosing to express themselves directly through their cakes. Calligraphy and monograms are showing up all over the place, blending tradition with a new flair. These cakes sport favorite poems, song lyrics, names, or anything else you can imagine, making your cake truly unique.

Chocolate and Fresh Fruit

While it is one of the least traditional ingredients in a wedding cake (in the past, bakers have avoided chocolate-flavored cakes because their dark color tended to show through the icing) chocolate is making a name for itself these days. From chocolate curl-covered cakes, reminiscent of roses, to marbled chocolate covering the sides of cakes, this trend reigns in a whole slew of possibilities. Try covering your cake in antique-white chocolate and fresh fruit to create a whole new look--towering cakes with a fresh and festive flavor.

Curly Cues

Geometric shapes or patterns similar to china or lace patterns are a popular trend with many brides. If you have lace on your wedding gown, you may consider having your cake designer copy that design in icing, fondant, or chocolate. If you don't need that level of customization, there are lots of scrolling patterns you can order from just about any baker. For those who want a more trendy look, use fondant to decorate your cake with harlequin patterns, stripes, and dots.

Blooming Cakes

Flowers are a traditional part of a wedding, but a more recent addition to cakes. While confectioners have long decorated with small flowers made of icing, this trend points toward a fresher look. Fresh flowers can tie your wedding theme together, wrapping their way up your cake, or simply between the layers. However, fresh flowers also tend to wilt in the heat. So, if you're planning a wedding in a warmer climate, you may want to consider using flowers made of spun sugar. Professionals can make just about any flower you can think of, and by bedecking your cake in flowers of all different sizes (from fantastically large to magnificently miniscule) you add a modern touch with traditional taste.

All Tied Up

Cakes that are all wrapped up are a shoo-in for holiday weddings, but ribbon is also becoming popular for year-round receptions. With smooth fondant cakes, ribbon can be used to put stripes on the base, or in the middle layers, matching the cake to the bride's colors. And for those who can't decide on what to put on top of the thing, there are bows for all seasons that make lovely cake toppers.

Flowing Fondant

Wedding cakes are often seen as a representation of the bride's dress, and with luxurious folds of fondant icing, you can take this idea to a new level. Some brides opt for fondant bows with tails that flow down the layers of the cake. Others prefer a more traditional look with matte or pearlized fondant swags around the tops of layers, or flowing from one layer to the next.

Chocolate Prints

Printing in chocolate is a fairly new idea when it comes to wedding cakes, but it works perfectly along with patterns and calligraphy. Bakers paint designs onto waxed paper to transfer onto the sides of your cake. This option is great for those who don't like a lot of icing on their cakes, and it makes for a cleaner look with patterns flush to the sides of the cake.

It's the Tops

What to put on top can be the hardest decision when ordering a wedding cake. Bride and groom figures are traditional, but do you really want a miniature you on your cake? If the answer is yes, then there are lots of ways to make sure the figures really do represent you. But, if you're not sold on that idea, consider using a monogram in crystal or silver, ribbon, flowers, or an arrangement of fruit. You can even tie in fun wedding themes--if you're getting married on the beach, try seashells or miniature lounge chairs. When it comes to toppers, the sky is the limit.

All about Texture

Whether you choose a simple, smooth fondant cake or a cake covered in frills, your wedding cake should say something about you. It used to be that a cake was a cake. They were all decorated with frosting, and you picked a decoration theme. But now, there is a veritable plethora of textures to choose from, and each one says something different. A cake with a pressed-on pattern, rather than a piped pattern, feels more modern and elegant, where a piped pattern gives you a more traditional, fun feel. Cakes with "messy icing" feel contemporary and informal. No matter what you choose, make sure to take texture into consideration.

Changing it Up

To add an extra layer of personality, many brides are choosing to alternate layer sizes, colors, or shapes. Some choose asymmetric tiers instead of stacking tiers in the middle. Many brides choose to deconstruct the tiers altogether, placing cakes on separate platforms and different levels. Above all, remember that while tradition dominates in most weddings, the bride's own personal taste is just as important.

Flower Power

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 18:46:00 -0600

by LDS Living Staff
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: If you're planning a wedding this spring, you've probably got flowers on the brain, along with a few other things. So here's a guide to help you choose what kind of flowers you'll have and who'll wear them.

Every bride knows how essential flowers are to her wedding. The trick is knowing how to choose flowers that will create the look and feel you would like your wedding to portray. Here are some helpful tips for choosing the perfect flowers.

Flowers Should Accent the Bride

Your choice of flower color and type depend particularly on your gown and you. The bridal bouquet is an important feature of your wedding, but as important as it is, be careful to select one that does not take the focus away from you. Your frame and size will determine how big your bouquet is and what type of bouquet you select.

Standard bouquet styles are called nosegay, hand-tied, and cascade. *Nosegay bouquets* are round clusters of flowers. These are very popular and can vary in tone of formality depending upon the flowers used. The stems are usually mounted in a small metal or glass cone-shaped holder. *Hand-tied bouquets* are generally round, and are also called clutch bouquets. This is a simple gathering of flowers bound at the stems with a ribbon, with the stems left exposed. *Cascade bouquets* have a main portion of the bouquet with flowers that flow downward. These are popular in formal and traditional wedding settings.

When you select your bouquet, consider its size and how long you will be holding it. Some larger bouquets, like cascade bouquets, require both hands to hold their weight. Smaller bouquets like hand-tied will not be as difficult to hold, and will not be as heavy.

Real or Silk Flowers?

A big debate you may face is whether to use real or silk flowers in your wedding, and honestly, the decision is not any easy one. There are many factors that can effect your decision, so here are some of the pros and cons of each.

Silk flowers are generally cheaper. But because the quality of silk flowers has greatly improved over time, prices have risen as a result. There are other advantages besides price. For example, you are not limited by season in your selection of flowers. Also, they won't wilt, they are sturdy, and they can be stored for use at another reception or as a memento. The advantages seem nice, but you have to realize there are disadvantages as well.

The most realistic silk flowers can be just as expensive, if not more, than real flower arrangements. Silk flowers can look real from far away, but do not look as nice in close- up photographs. This is because the flash from a camera usually causes the light to reflect off of the synthetic flower surface, which is not what real flowers would do. If you are set on using a flower that is out of season and will cost you a fortune to incorporate in your floral arrangements, you can mix your real flowers with some artificial ones.

Who Wears What?

Now that you're beyond the selection of the most important floral features, you need to decide who else in the wedding party will need flowers.

For the Men

Traditionally, boutonnieres are prepared for the groom, groomsmen, fathers, and grandfathers. If you would like to make your reception more formal, consider having boutonnieres for all servers, musicians, ushers, etc. Boutonnieres are usually one flower, worn on the left jacket lapel on the outside of the buttonhole.

For the Women

Corsages are worn by mothers and grandmothers. You can choose corsages that are pinned on, or there is an alternative that is worn on the wrist. For formal weddings, flowers are also given to the maid of honor and bridesmaids, usually in the form of bouquets. The maid of honor's bouquet is the largest with flowers that reflect the bride's. Bridesmaid's bouquets are smaller versions of the maid of honor's and are all identical.

Centerpieces

Flowers help create ambiance during the reception, and usually there are centerpieces on each table. Whether you are providing your own flowers or the reception center is providing them, be sure to choose a centerpiece that matches the style and theme of your wedding and reflects the style of the bridal bouquet. A few considerations--make sure the centerpieces are not so large that people don't have enough room to eat their food. Also, don't choose centerpieces that are so tall that people can't see the person across from them. In addition to dining tables, a larger centerpiece is often placed at the buffet table, as well as the guest book-signing table.

Including Everyone in Your Temple Wedding

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 18:00:00 -0600

by Dawn Frandsen
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: A temple wedding is a joyous occasion, but friends and family members who can't be present for the ceremony can sometimes feel hurt and excluded. Here are some ways to help your special day be special for everyone.

Sarah had known from the time she was a young teenager that she wanted a temple marriage. Her mother was not a member of the church and her father had only had spurts of activity. However, recognizing that the gospel had answers that she wanted in her life, Sarah had always done whatever it took to be worthy of a temple marriage.

During her junior year at college, Sarah met Seth. It wasn't long before she knew she wanted to spend eternity with this man. Both will readily confess that there were plenty of ups and down in their nine-month courtship and four-month engagement, but the most difficult episode for both of them was facing Sarah's parents and explaining that they were getting married, but in a place where her parents could not attend the ceremony.

Seth and Sarah's experience is not unique. There are many scenarios that would render inactive, new member, or nonmember families or friends unable to participate in a temple marriage ceremony. If your upcoming wedding plans include one of these scenarios, the decisions you make about ways to include those family and friends who will be unable to join you in the temple ceremony will affect not only the planning stage and the wedding day, but will probably have a lasting effect through many years to come.

If your attitude is one of patience and inclusion, hearts will be softened and future relationships will be strengthened.

Get it out in the open. Let it be known at the same time you announce your engagement that you are planning to be married in the temple. Temple marriage takes planning and preparation; some of that planning and preparation may need to be for others as well as for you and your future spouse.
Set the tone. While the temple ceremony is the most important part of the day, it is neither the longest nor the most public. Involving those who cannot participate in the temple portion of the day with as many other details as possible will help them feel included and important. Including them as much as possible will also help ease their disappointment and the sense of friction during the days leading up to the wedding.
Give as well as receive. You will be given many gifts in celebration of your wedding day. Use this occasion to give the gift of knowledge to those you love who need some extra help in understanding about the importance of temples and the eternal nature of marriage. Give them an illustrated book about temples. Provide them with a copy of The Family: A Proclamation to the World, and explain its important principles and how those principles are central to what you believe. Even if they do not fully understand the scope of what you accept as true, help them understand how important these truths and principles are to you. Most importantly, help them to know that what goes on in the temple is not secret; it is sacred.
Have one more gathering. Showers and luncheons need not be the only reason to meet with extended family before the big day. Depending on how familiar friends and family are with the temple, it might be a good idea to have a family meeting to discuss what is involved. Invite your bishop or another priesthood leader to explain the importance placed on the family and how the temple is an interregnal component of eternal families. Such an occasion could provide an informal and friendly environment for questions and answers. The opportunity to have questions answered will hopefully make everyone feel more comfortable.
No one wants to be left out. Do not exclude anyone from the temple portion of the day. Invite those who cannot enter the temple to come to the temple with you. Arrange for someone to wait with them outside on the grounds or in the waiting room. If you schedule early enough, in many cases a member of the temple presidency will be able to meet with your guests and answer as many questions as possible. Some temples conduct tours of the grounds or have visitors' centers that will lend a welcoming feeling to those who are waiting for you.
Extend the ceremony. Rings can be exchanged at a separate ceremony outside the temple. This is not to be done on temple grounds, and caution should be taken not to make the ring exchange become a pseudo wedding ceremony; however it may mean a great deal to a parent or relative who has looked forward to this event for many years to be included in this portion of the ceremony.
It is all about you. Temple marriage is about creating eternal family relationships. With the proper planning, your temple marriage can be used as an opportunity to build future relationships rather than become an obstacle that creates discord.
A great deal will depend on your attitude. Don't be apologetic. Instead, talk about how excited and happy you are, and how grateful you are to all of your friends and family members for making your wedding day so special.

Keeping the Magic Alive in Marriage

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 00:04:00 -0700

by Merrilee Boyack
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Life can get pretty hectic. With kids, jobs, and Church callings all vying for our attention, sometimes our marital relationships unwittingly fall to the bottom of the priority list. Here are some ways to keep the magic alive in marriage no matter how long you've been together.

President Kimball counseled, "Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy. . . . These people will do well to re-evaluate, to renew their courting, to express their affection, to acknowledge kindness, and to increase their consideration so their marriage again can become beautiful, sweet, and growing." His counsel is well taken, and we need to give special attention to bringing fun and joy back into our marriage relationship. So let's talk about some ideas that will help. Here's a good beginning place--you have to keep dating only the husband you want to keep.

Date Night

Date night was absolutely the number-one best thing I did to improve my marriage. You want to keep the magic alive? I recommend weekly dating. Even if you're broke, you can still have a weekly date night. Dates can be free! Let me list ten date nights that cost nothing:

Go on a walk in the park or on the beach and hold hands and talk.
Take a blanket to the mountains or wherever and look up at the stars and describe what it would be like to live on another planet.
Go to Costco and eat the free samples and then watch a DVD on your laptop computer in your car facing the sunset.
Go on a bike ride.
Take a free class offered in the community. (There are lots of them.)
Go to the bookstore and read love poems to each other.
Take your iPod or boom box or whatever to a remote parking lot and dance together in the beams of your car's headlights.
Walk though a crowded area and make up stories about other people's lives. Be creative! Be funny!
Go skating, surfing, boogie-boarding, swimming, hiking, backpacking, or whatever sport you like.
Go to the cemetery and look at the cool headstones or go to the airport and watch planes land or to the port and watch boats dock.

Now I know that sometimes babysitting costs can be an issue. If you have family members and you're broke, beg them for a couple of hours each week. Or even better, trade with other similarly situated families. They can watch yours on Friday, and you can watch theirs on Saturday.

Dating Rules

So, now you're ready to commit to date night. Here are some rules to really make it a great experience.

Rule #1--Observe the fifty percent conversation limit. Here's the rule: When you go on a date, fifty percent or more of your conversations have to be about something other than the kids. That may be a challenge at first. You can talk about current events, projects you're working on, finances, or whatever, but no more than half about the kids. That requires you to take off your "Mommy" and "Daddy" hats.

Rule #2--Don't get in a rut. Be creative! If your dates have devolved into dinner and Wal-Mart every week, it's time to perk them up!

Rule #3--Remember, you're on a date. Now, I admit that I have to remind myself of this on occasion. Sometimes I get casual and think, "Eh, these jeans look fine. And that ketchup stain from lunch on my shirt is barely noticeable." I have to smack myself at this point and remember that I'm going on a date. And if I were single and dating, I would not be caught dead in mother-homemaker clothes.

Rule #4--No dumping allowed. This is a date, and it is not the time for you to do an emotional dump. I know you've had a stressful week and you finally have his undivided attention. You'd love to complain about the neighbors, how the kids are driving you crazy, and why your latest diet isn't working. But now is not the time. Just think what would happen on a date if you were single and you performed a massive unloading. He'd run for the hills without your phone number in tow. Your husband wants to spend time with his smart wife who looks great, smells great, and says sweet things. He needs to leave the "mother" at home. You need to leave her there as well.

Rule #5--Enjoy the courting. Have fun! You're still courting him and getting him to fall in love with you all the time. So have fun and be fun. Be attractive. Dazzle him. And stare into those beautiful eyes you fell in love with, and thank your lucky stars you got him.

The Couple That Plays Together Stays Together

Playing together is crucial as a couple. There were certain things you did when dating that helped get you together. Those things cannot die in a marriage, or your marriage will begin to die as well. What interests do you share? Come up with ways to have fun together while pursuing those interests. The couple that plays together keeps their marriage vibrant and alive and growing. Think about it. What will you do when the kids are gone? What will you talk about? What will you do together?

Continue Growing and Evolving

Think of a stagnant pond of water. What happens to it? It gets murkier and murkier. It begins to grow a green scum. It attracts flies--lots of flies. The plants inside start to die, and the whole thing begins to devolve into a pile of dark green sludge. Now think of a woman who has become stagnant in her progression. Very similar, isn't it? Her personality becomes murkier and murkier. She, hopefully, doesn't grow green scum but her appearance begins to degenerate. She repels lively people and attracts negative people. And things don't improve.

One of the absolute hallmarks of a smart, fun-loving wife is that she continues to grow and evolve. Look back on the last ten years and review your own personal life and development. Have you improved your behavior? Do you have success? Have you changed those things that are no longer helpful or positive? It is a constant challenge to keep ourselves growing and improving.

We spend so much time helping everyone else in our lives in their growing and improving that we sometimes put ourselves at the bottom of the to-do list. But every single husband on the planet (if he's wise) wants a wife who is going for it. He wants to be proud of her. He wants to come home every day to hear of something new that she did or learned. He wants a wife he can brag about. You can be that wife. He already loves you. He also wants to be stimulated by your growing and changing and be interested in you. I know that someday you will be the perfect wife. In the meantime, may you be blessed on your path to get there.

Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0700

by Neli A. Rogers, MS, LMFT
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Most people believe marriage is important and that the family is the fundamental unit of society. People get married with great hopes to "live happily ever after," but it is not easy to maintain the love and happiness they experienced during courtship in the day-to-day struggles of married life.

I have worked with couples for many years as a marriage and family therapist, and as such I have developed many practical ideas to help couples build a happy marriage. Here are my top ten tips.

Discover what makes each other happy.

Couples need to live what I call the Golden Rule for Married Couples: Do unto the other as he or she would like it done. Often in a loving relationship, people tend to use projection--the subjective act of attributing one's own feelings to others; the tendency to "hear" others' feelings in relationship to one's own self-concept and experiences. When spouses use projection, they think that what they want is the same as what their spouse wants. We are all individuals and we are all different. Therefore, what makes one partner happy may not necessarily be what makes the other partner happy. If you take time to find out what each other really wants and "do unto to the other as he/she would like it done," your relationship will flourish.

Share alike in doing the household chores.

Research has shown that couples who work together stay together. Both husband and wife need to feel they are equally yoked. This will bring a sense of equality in the marriage and will help prevent feelings of resentment that could come if one spouse is doing more for the family and relationship than the other. Couples need to be very clear about what is expected of each other regarding household duties. The most important rule to follow here is that both partners agree to the division of duties. Be clear and straightforward when discussing roles.

Be respectful and caring even when you are resolving conflicts in the relationship.

When people are upset, they tend to act on their emotions. To be successful in relationships, sometimes people need to behave differently from how they feel. Couples need to learn how to regulate their emotions so they don't "take it out" on each other. You should not engage in trying to resolve issues when you are too emotionally upset and unable to be reasonable and caring towards each other. If needed, take a time out, cool off first, and rehearse the conversation in your mind before you discuss it with your spouse. Make a firm decision never to be disrespectful to your partner even in the heat of battle.

Learn good communication skills.

To be successful in marriage, you need to be able to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants in a straightforward manner. You also need to be a good listener. Allow your spouse to express his or her thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants freely and safely.

Learn how to stay in love.

Spend time together building your relationship. When couples are courting, they spend a lot of time together, and when they are not together, they find ways to communicate often. After marriage, some couples drift apart. They no longer spend as much time together, are not as affectionate, and don't devote special attention to each other as they did during courtship. This leads couples to lose their loving feelings toward each other. You need to spend quality couple's time together frequently to continue to build the relationship. Go on dates regularly to have fun, not to discuss issues. Keep the love alive!

Maintain a healthy physical relationship.

Physical intimacy is different for men and women. Both spouses should be mindful of each other's needs and reach compromises that will fulfill these needs. After children arrive, it becomes more difficult for a couple to maintain the same level of physical intimacy, but you need to make time to keep your physical relationship a priority.

Do everything with common consent.

People in happy marriages never do important things without an agreement between the spouses. Couples need to balance the feelings and interests of both partners when making decisions. You need to make sure you understand how important an issue is to each other and only decide on a course of action after you both have agreed and are happy with the decision. Don't expect to have everything your own way; be willing to compromise.

Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship.

Sometimes when people are in a conflicted relationship, they feel discouraged because they think the changes required to resolve their relationship issues are too great and they'll never be able to accomplish such changes. However, often all you need to do is find one or two small but significant things to change, and this will alter the direction you are headed. Over time, these changes will lead you to a very different place. You may need the help of a professional to identify what these significant changes might be.

Be grateful for each other.

Gratitude has been statistically linked to happiness and hope. In every relationship there are positives and negatives. Find the positives in your relationship. Be grateful for your partner and express your love and gratitude for each other daily.

Develop empathy.

Empathy means to place oneself in another person's shoes and understand how he or she feels. It is a process of partial identification with the feelings of others while still being aware that the others' feelings are owned by them and are somewhat different from yours. It focuses upon the feelings of the other. When you have empathy toward your spouse, you will be more effective in applying the other tips for a successful marriage.

Neli A. Rogers is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in San Antonio, Texas. She has been married for 32 years to Dwayne Rogers, and they have four children and seven grandchildren.

What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 16:04:00 -0700

by Debra Sansing Woods
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: We may think we know the singles in our ward or branch - who they are, what makes them tick, what they want out of life, and how best to meet their needs as members of our wards and branches, but how often do we stop and ask them - our single friends and acquaintances-- to speak for themselves, to tell us in their own words what they'd like the rest of us to know about them?

With these thoughts in mind, I recently took some time to talk with a dozen or so singles and former singles (namely, those who spent some real time being single past the age of 21), and invited them to tell the rest of us what they'd like us to know about their experience of being single in the church.

Not surprisingly, I found the conversations eye-opening and enlightening and while I cannot include all of my findings in this one article, here are some of the themes and opinions that came up again and again.

1. No Two Singles are Alike.

Generally speaking, we singles share in common the fact that we're single and LDS. But beyond those two characteristics, we are each very much individuals with our own histories related to marriage (some never-married, some married and divorced, and some widowed) and other aspects of our lives (some college-educated, some not; some lifetime LDS, some adult converts; some with children, others without); our own strengths and weaknesses; talents and interests; challenges and triumphs. We're good at finding common ground with each other, but don't assume that just because we're single and LDS we are alike. We thrive on being valued as the individuals we truly are.

2. Most of Us Want to Marry (for the first time or again), but We're Not Desperate To Marry.

In other words, please don't ask us (at least not very often) if/when we are going to get married; If we had found the right one, we would be married by now. Sometimes, we really do appreciate your efforts to find us a match, but keep in mind that even if you know a single man or woman who has a pulse and is an active member of the church, these facts alone do not necessarily make him or her a good marriage prospect for us. Even so, if you feel prompted to introduce us to someone you think may be a fun date or a good match, go ahead and introduce us, but don't pressure us to go out with them. We're more likely to marry successfully if we're given a little time and space to seek inspiration for ourselves.

3. We Sisters Would Like Your Help to Find a Few More Good Men.

Or make that a few thousand more good men. One single sister from Oklahoma City had this to say about being a single sister in the church: "The singles' conference I just got back from had 700 women and 200 men attending. Ridiculous! Where are all the men? Inactive, I believe. We need Elders' Quorums and High Priest Groups to get out there and do their jobs contacting these guys. There is no way they can be righteous priesthood holders when they are inactive with NO friends at church.

All of us single sisters would just rather stay single than end up with a man who does not have a strong testimony and is not a valiant priesthood holder. We sisters cannot activate these guys alone. We need our priesthood's help to make this happen."

4. We Value Your Friendship.

We share some terrific friendships with other singles, but we share some wonderful friendships with our married friends as well. While we may not have our marital status, or, rather, lack of marital status in common with our married friends, we often share many other things in common with them. In some cases, we share a love of music, everything from Broadway musicals to participating in the ward choir. In other cases, we may share an interest in the outdoors, including camping and hiking. And oftentimes, we simply share a similar outlook on life, perhaps, a deep and abiding belief in our responsibility to make a positive difference in the world around us through consistent and compassionate acts of service.

When it comes to our friendships with our married friends, truth be told, most of us love spending time in their homes because their homes are so full of the energy and bustle of family life, a nice contrast to our quieter dwellings. So, thanks for inviting us over for dinner and for sharing your family home evenings with us. Your friendships enrich our lives tremendously.

5. We Appreciate Your Sensitivity to our Unmarried and Possibly Childless Circumstances When You Deliver Your Sacrament Meeting Talks and Share Your Sunday Lessons.

We love the fact that the church is family-centered and so we understand that many talks and lessons are necessarily written and prepared with families in mind. Even so, we appreciate it when teachers and speakers take into account that not all of us live in homes where there is the ideal of a mother, father and children. We do not expect or want to be pitied for our lack of such a family situation, but we are positively impacted when teachers and speakers make an effort to tailor their lessons, in part, to speak to our particular circumstances. Those of us who are single women without children have been especially touched on Mother's Day when the speakers have honored the difference we try to make in the lives of children not our own, whether those children are our nieces and nephews, the children we teach in primary, or our neighbors' and friends' kids. We feel loved and wanted when ward members make an extra effort to help us feel a full part of this wonderful and vibrant family church.

6. We Need Diligent Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers.

A good number of us have not experienced the blessing of having faithful home teachers and visiting teachers. Those of us who have know the tremendous difference such a blessing can make in our lives. A single mother of two has this to say about her faithful home teachers: "I am so very thankful for the presence of the priesthood in my home on a monthly basis. I make it a point to thank their wives for allowing them to spend time bringing a message to us as well as teaching me to do things like how to caulk the cracks in my windows." Please know that whether we have family nearby or not, we benefit immensely from having diligent home teachers and visiting teachers.

7. We Love to Serve in Church Callings and in Other Church-Related Volunteer Capacities, but We Often Have Less Free Time than Others Might Think.

For those of us who do not have children, we find that our married friends sometimes assume we have fewer responsibilities and far more free time than we actually have. In reality, many of us work hard to keep our heads above water with demanding jobs, the sole responsibility for the care and upkeep of our homes, and the needs of friends and/or family, sometimes including our aging parents.

Additionally, some of us actively volunteer in the community, striving to make a difference in the lives of our fellow citizens. Please know that we very much desire to serve in the church and are committed to doing so as we seek to prayerfully balance our church service with the demands and needs in our personal lives.

8. We Enjoy Serving in a Variety of Church Callings.

We are happy to serve in the nursery and in the singles' group but, overall, we enjoy serving in a wide range of callings, everything from Primary Teacher and Youth Sunday School Instructor to Relief Society Counselor and Ward Missionary. Wherever we are asked to serve, we seek to use the special skills and knowledge we have gained from our work and professional lives to magnify our church callings.

One of the biggest reasons we want and even need to serve in a variety of callings is so that we can learn and grow in ways that we would never otherwise have the opportunity to learn and grow in. Also, perhaps more than anything else, we want to serve in a variety of capacities because we desire to make a positive difference in the lives of as many of our fellow church members as we can.

9. We Hope You'll Celebrate the Good in Our Lives with Us.

While we may feel down at times about not being married and, as the case may be, not having any children, we find there is still much good to celebrate in our lives. It means a great deal to us when our friends at church share in our excitement about a job promotion or in our enthusiasm for a talent we are striving to develop. We work hard to create happy lives no matter what our circumstances and, truth be told, our happiness naturally doubles when shared with others.

10. Know that You Make a Powerful and Positive Difference in Our Lives.

If you ever wonder whether you make a difference in our lives, be assured that you do. We can recall numerous times when your friendship and caring have made an important difference for each of us. One formerly single mom in our midst can remember a period of time, in particular, when some married members of her ward made a big difference in her and her daughter's life.

She had just come through a difficult divorce and found herself unexpectedly the sole parent and provider for her toddler. This young mother's heart ached as she thought about her daughter growing up without the benefit of a dad to help raise her. Thankfully though, two couples in her ward, sensitive to her and daughter's situation, invited them into their homes to share dinners and family gatherings. The young mother found enormous comfort in knowing that, although she couldn't, at that time, give her daughter a dad, members in her ward had thoughtfully and lovingly filled in some of the gaps.

They had filled in those gaps by the simple act of welcoming a single mother and her child into their homes - homes where the dads were present and loving to their wives and children and where everyone living there had enough room in their hearts to show love and concern for a single mother and an essentially fatherless little girl. The mother went on to marry again and her husband became a wonderful dad to her daughter. Even so, that formerly single mother will never forget the kindness and generosity of her fellow ward members - ward members who, like so many of you, have loving hearts and a tender spot for the singles in their ward.

Tips for Winter Weddings

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 12:27:00 -0600

source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: While the summer is the most popular season for couples to tie the knot, those who choose to marry during the winter months can enjoy an equally beautiful atmosphere on their special day. Here are some tips to help you embrace the season and turn your wedding day into a winter wonderland. *Bridal Wear:* Consider complementing wedding gowns with glamorous coats, capes, or wraps with faux-fur trim. Winter is also the perfect season for wearing "ice"--diamond or crystal jewelry and headpieces. *Flowers:* Silver and white arrangements can be especially elegant for winter. Look for silver-dollar eucalyptus, dusty miller, and white roses, lilies, crocus, or mums. Or, choose a more festive bouquet, mixing bright red roses, tulips, and ornamental berries with holly leaves or evergreen. *Food:* Whether you are serving appetizers or a full-course dinner, be sure to incorporate some of the flavors of the season such as pumpkin pie or warm cranberry crisp. Hot chocolate and spiced cider are also great options for warming up your guests. *Reception Location:* Choose a cozy inn with a fireplace, or look for beautiful historic buildings. Many of these places are decorated with Christmas lights, creating a very romantic setting. With a few special touches that evoke the season, winter weddings can be spectacular. If you are planning a winter wedding in Utah, consider The Joseph Smith Memorial Building in Salt Lake City. With the Christmas lights at Temple Square for a truly magical background, stunning Christmas trees in every room, and carolers singing on the mezzanine, it is the perfect location for a ceremony, wedding luncheon, or reception. Plus, catering, flowers, and linen rentals are available in house. Visit *weddingsAtTempleSquare.com* for more information.

Identifying Differences in Marriage

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 13:56:00 -0600

by Brent A. Barlow, Dealing with Differences in Marriage, 66-74.
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: I shared with you several differences that have emerged in my marriage. Some of these, Susan and I recognized immediately. With others, one or both of us had to acknowledge the differences as legitimate (getting out of the I'm-right-you're-wrong syndrome). And still others, we realized only after consciously trying to identify some things we couldn't quite put our fingers on at first. The point is, before we can work on reconciling our differences, we must first know what they are. Quite a few of them may be minor, which we can just choose not to let bother us, and a number of them may be major, requiring a couple's joint efforts to reconcile them. Differences must be identified and acknowledged by both husband and wife before they can be dealt with.

Before you begin to identify your differences, you may want to go to your local library or Christian bookstore and obtain a copy of Incompatibility: Grounds for a Great Marriage, by Chuck and Barb Snyder. The Snyders claim to be the world's most opposite couple, and chapter one of their book lists over fifty differences they had identified at a time when they were seriously considering divorce. Here are some of the differences they noted:

She likes butter. He likes margarine.

She is a low-energy person. He is a high-energy person.

She is relationship-oriented. He is goal-oriented.

She is left-handed. He is right-handed.

She is practical. He is a dreamer.

She likes the toilet paper roll to roll toward her. He doesn't care which way it rolls.

She likes to listen to soft violin music. He likes to listen to loud country music.

She has a difficult time making decisions. He makes them easily.

She likes a variety of foods. He likes the same old standbys.

She came from a loud family in which everyone shouted at each other. He came from a quiet family in which hardly anyone ever raised a voice.

She wants to resolve conflict immediately. He wants to wait awhile.

She wants to talk when she is angry. He doesn't want to talk when either of them is angry.

She believes stoplights are ordained of God to bring order into our lives. He believes stoplights are tools of Satan to disrupt his life.

She is a perfectionist. He is disorderly.

She keeps a clean desk. He has a rolltop.

She likes one or two pets. He likes several.

She is a saver. He is a spender.

She is a planner. He is impulsive.

She asks for directions when she gets lost. He feels that asking for directions is a sign of weakness.

She feels comfortable taking things back to the store when they aren't exactly what she wants. He stores them in the garage.

She likes to take her time. He is always in a hurry.

She does one thing at a time to conclusion. He likes to do many things at once.

She hates paperwork. He handles paperwork easily.

She smashes bugs in the house and kills spiders. He carefully takes them outside to safety.

Despite a multitude of differences and a marriage that seemed doomed, this Christian couple were able to avoid separation and deal successfully with their differences. They attribute much of their success to their Christian faith and their relationship with Jesus Christ.

Just a note of caution before you begin to identify your differences. I suggest that you do not do this exercise right after the honeymoon or during the first six months of the marriage. Enjoy the wedded bliss! Research has noted that most married couples continue the high phase of romance well into the first six months of marriage. It is usually during the last half of the first year that differences become more pronounced and noticeable. President Spencer W. Kimball has remarked:

Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed nor discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizeable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning.

If you have recently married, skip the following exercise for a few months and just get used to living together. Come back to it later. I might add, however, that identifying differences may be an excellent exercise to complete for couples who are considering marriage. Couples may identify differences during this stage of the relationship that may have to be dealt with before the marriage, such as how many children each partner wants or how involved each person wants to be in church activity after marriage. Couples happily married for extended periods of time have two options: (1) They can ignore the differences, choosing to live with them or (2) they can identify their differences and learn to deal with them.

Exercise for Identifying Your Differences

Step 1. On a sheet of paper, list the differences that exist between you and your spouse. The differences do not have to be in any particular order, nor do they have to be listed in priority of importance. Just jot them down. Perhaps you have some of the ones mentioned by Chuck and Barb Snyder.

Step 2. After you have listed your differences, contemplate the following quotation from Elder B. H. Roberts: "In essentials let there be unity; in non-essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity!" The phrase suggests that in "essentials" (things that really matter) there must be some degree of unity. In nonessentials (things of lesser importance) we should exercise great tolerance and liberty. And in all cases in dealing with differences, we should act with kindness, love, or charity.

Step 3. Now, go through the list you have made and identify each difference as either an essential difference or a nonessential difference.

Essential Differences

Some differences are "core symbols" in a marital relationship; that is, they represent some things that are central or "core" in matters of importance. For example, one core symbol might be the couple's differences with money management. Perhaps either husband or wife (or both!) fail to keep track of money spent or bills owed. Inability to manage money typically affects more than a couple's credit rating. It often has a detrimental impact on the marriage relationship and directly affects the couple's ability to provide for themselves and their family.

Some differences that would normally be incidental could become core symbols. For instance, differences in personal hygiene--how often a person shampoos, what brand of toothpaste he or she prefers, and so on--are relatively unimportant. But they would become critical if perhaps one spouse failed to bathe often, so that the body odor became offensive to the other spouse and others around them. Differences in standards of personal cleanliness could become an important issue in a marriage.

Essential differences, then, are those rather serious areas, large or small, that cause constant concern, hurt, and irritation in a marriage. If left unattended or unresolved, they may lead to marital disruption and possibly divorce.

Nonessential Differences

Every marriage has differences that are not serious but are nevertheless areas of concern and disagreement. The concern or irritation may be over clothes left on the floor, differences in food preferences or eating habits, or speech mannerisms. There are such frequently noted differences as squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle or end or having the toilet paper roll forward or backward. And how about the butter? Should it be kept in the cupboard or in the refrigerator?

One of the most humorous experiences I ever had took place in a class of young married couples at BYU. One day we were discussing the differences they had discovered. I asked the class to name some, and four young wives immediately raised their hands. One of them stated, "I can't stand it when I walk into the bathroom and my husband has left the toilet seat up!" Everyone laughed, but the other three young women had raised their hands to say the same thing. For these four young women, toilet seats up was an essential difference. All the husbands in the class thought it was a nonessential. So I was able to teach them one critical point: If something, such as the position of the toilet seat, is an essential difference for one, it should also be considered an essential difference for the other. Most of the young husbands left the class having committed to keep the toilet seats down in their apartments. What is humorous and nonessential to one can be serious and essential to the other.

After you have completed the exercise to identify your differences, you should have a list in which each entry is tagged with the word essential or nonessential. Most groups in which I have conducted this exercise label a high percentage (90 percent or higher) of the differences as nonessential. The differences may cause concern and be irritating, but they are not issues or areas that could threaten to overthrow the marriage. With almost every couple, however, there are a few, perhaps only one or two, differences identified as essential, which means they cause more concern, or even pain, and disrupt the marriage. In some cases, the differences, if left unattended, could possibly lead to divorce.

Now that you have acknowledged and categorized your differences into two groups, you are ready to proceed to the most important part of this book. The next five chapters discuss ways to deal with both essential and nonessential differences. As you work through your differences, remember this one important idea: Start with the smallest difference, the one with the least emotional impact. Save the big ones for last, after you have gained a few skills and insights in dealing with differences. Don't try and jump a four-foot wall when you have only three-foot skills! Give yourself and your spouse some time to work through the differences and try to keep your sense of humor during the process.

One nonessential for me when Susan and I married was hair spray. Susan would buy cans of hair spray and spray deodorant that looked exactly alike and put them next to each other on the shelf. I still remember the sensation of getting up in the morning, showering, and then, with my glasses still off, grabbing an aerosol can and spraying my arm pits with hair spray. We finally worked through that one by collaboration. Susan kept her two cans of spray where she wanted, and I got my own smaller can of "men's deodorant" and put it where I wanted. We kept a nonessential difference from becoming an essential difference. (I can imagine the newspaper headline if we hadn't resolved that difference: "BYU Marriage Counselor and Wife Divorce after Long-standing Dispute over Hair Spray!")

Remarriage and Combined Families

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 13:42:00 -0600

by R. Lanier Britsch, Terrance D. Olson, Counseling: A Guide to Helping Others, vol. 2, 172-186.
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Combined families, also referred to as blended, second, reconstituted, step, or rem (remarried) families, are those families where at least one, if not both, husband and wife have been married before and have had children. Remarriage resulting in combined families is an increasingly common phenomenon that affects millions of men, women, and children. More than 50 million remarried people are currently living in the United States, and in 1975 one in every four marriages involved someone who had been married before. In 1982, 41 percent of all marriages were remarriages for one or both partners. Approximately one out of every five children under the age of eighteen currently lives in a single-parent family, and the best estimates from census data now predict that one out of every two children born in the 1980s will live in a single-parent family before the age of eighteen. Since approximately 80 percent of all persons remarry following a divorce or widowhood (especially younger ones who tend to still have children at home), most of these children will experience a combined family. Conservative estimates indicate that there are over fifteen million children living in combined families with stepparents and another four to five million children between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two who are living in and out of combined or blended families. It is further estimated that there are, at a minimum, twenty-five million husbands and wives who are stepmothers and stepfathers. Most of the increase in single- parent households is due to divorce. The percentage resulting from widowhood has remained about the same, but there has been a substantial increase in unwed parenthood.

The formerly marrieds come from all walks of life, all socioeconomic backgrounds, all religious affiliations, and all cultural and ethnic groups. According to Paul Glick and A.J. Norton, formerly marrieds tend to be young and in their twenties when they first reunite. The average age is twenty-seven for women and twenty-nine for men. Divorced persons tend to marry other divorced people. They gravitate toward partners whom they perceive to be quite different in character from their first spouse. Two other studies found that over 50 percent of remarried subjects said they were not at all attracted to the same kinds of persons they first married. Remarried individuals sought traits of warmth, maturity, and the capacity for commitment, as opposed to traits of attractiveness and wealth, which characterized their earlier choices. Jesse Bernard concluded that those who remarry often consider their first marriage as an "apprenticeship" and, as a result, bring a greater capacity for commitment and maturity to their second marriage.

Reasons for Remarriage

Around 80 percent of people who divorce remarry within three years. This suggests that while the first marriage relationship obviously was a disappointment or did not prove to be satisfactory for a permanent union, most people who divorce do not become disenchanted with marriage itself. Many widowed persons also remarry. The most frequently offered reasons for remarriage include the desire for companionship, satisfaction of emotional needs, and opportunities for legitimate sexual expression. Other reasons that are mentioned less frequently but still may play important roles in the decision for remarriage include seeking financial security, yielding to family pressure, and desiring to establish a two-parent home for the children. If divorced, some people also may want to prove that they can succeed; therefore, they try again. In addition, some people may want to prove that they are still attractive.

The seeking of security, both emotional and financial, is a primary factor in remarriage for both men and women. The desire to have greater financial security is especially common among women, whose financial resources are often limited. Data indicate that 80 to 85 percent of men do not provide financial support for their children following a divorce. Yielding to the desire to be relieved of the pressure of earning a living and being taken care of financially can become a paramount reason to remarry, especially for women. However, if one is willing to get married just to avoid work or the responsibility of single parenthood, one may enter hastily and carelessly into a relationship. A strong desire to escape an existing problem may mean that other serious considerations may be overlooked or their importance minimized.

While widowhood usually elicits sympathy or at least genuine concern from others, divorce is still accompanied by social stigma, although that is less true now than was true a few decades ago. Some people feel that being a divorced person in their church, neighborhood, community, or social set is a real liability. This creates pressure to remarry in order to reduce or, hopefully, eliminate the stigma. But getting married to escape from or to run away from a situation will probably not lead to success and is not a healthy reason for marriage.

Most of the above reasons for remarriage fall within the category of "seeking" and "getting." Serious consideration should also be given to remarriage as an opportunity to find fulfillment through giving. This is a healthy reason for marriage and remarriage, but one must consider it carefully.

Issues to Be Considered

If you are counseling someone who is considering remarriage, he should give the following issues careful attention. It is important that these questions be responded to as honestly and as objectively as possible. We often rationalize our decisions in order to obtain quick, easy, and emotionally desired situations and then discover that we must live with undesired consequences for months or years. The chances for a successful remarriage will be increased through serious, patient consideration of the following questions:

1. How successful and satisfying was your first (or other) marriage? Did satisfying, rewarding, and growth-promoting events outweigh disappointments and unresolved problems? Did earlier experiences contribute to personal growth and development, or did they contribute to feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, or guilt? If the experiences were primarily negative, did you learn enough from them so that you are capable of creating something better in a new relationship?

2. Are you basically a happy, positive, growing, productive person? Do you have something constructive to offer another person and a new relationship, or are you seeking marriage as an escape from an unhappy, unpleasant, and overwhelming situation?

3. If children are present in the home, will remarriage lead to a better situation for them? Have you taken them into consideration and discussed the pros and cons with them? (This will need to be adjusted to the age of the children). Are they sufficiently aware of the consequences of remarriage and the adjustments that would be required of them when combining families?

I recall one client who informed me that she was planning to get married after a three-week acquaintance with her prospective husband. When I suggested that was a very short period of time for testing a relationship and that further testing would be in order, she responded, "Well, I had him and his children over for dinner Sunday, and our children had a wonderful time playing together. They really enjoyed each other and want to be together." I suggested that sharing an afternoon of fun and games is very different from sharing a closet, dresser drawers, and a mother's time and love.

4. What will it take to blend children from separate families? Do you have the skill to establish more cooperation than competition among children from different families? Can you promote willing and harmonious sharing, helping, caring, and loving? These qualities are often difficult to achieve within an original blood-related family. It is not possible to project with complete accuracy what the results will be, but the question of the success and happiness of combined families and the impact that combining may have on each person involved should be raised and carefully considered.

5. How much commitment can be elicited from everyone concerned? The desire of a mother or a father or both may not be enough to accomplish the desired goals if children are not committed also. Is the degree of commitment between the two adults fairly equal or is it mostly one sided? If it appears at certain times that goals are not being achieved, how will the situation be handled, and how will both partners feel? Do those who will be involved have the skill and commitment to resolve conflicts in a productive way?

6. What are the risks involved, and what are the potential rewards? If remarriage is occurring after a divorce and it does not succeed to the degree you want and hope for, will you interpret it as "another failure"? If the marriage is reasonably satisfactory but the relationships between a child or children and a stepparent are disruptive and negative and children leave home earlier than otherwise would have been the case in order to escape from an unhappy home situation, will this result in regrets on your part?

7. Are you looking primarily for a marriage companion or for a parent for your children? Both roles must be given serious consideration; but if you are looking for an eternal relationship, perhaps it is appropriate to give greater weight to marriage companionship than to parenthood. This is a difficult issue because your potential partner's ability to perform both roles is desirable and must be carefully evaluated.

8. As you look at your past personal and married life, what "ghosts" will accompany you into a new marriage? Do you have numerous unresolved problems, or have you carefully considered them, resolved them, and put them into proper perspective? Have you discussed appropriate past problems with the potential marriage partner? Have you discussed these issues with a spiritual leader or a professional who can help you determine the state of your emotional and mental health and who can help you evaluate the degree to which you have resolved problems in a constructive, objective, and healthy manner?

It is easy to rationalize our thoughts so that we arrive at the answers we want. We can even interpret answers to prayers the way we want. All problems and issues do not have to be and probably never will be totally resolved. But being aware of problems and acknowledging the possibility of undesired events occurring is helpful. Anticipating the possibility of difficulties and having plans to constructively handle them is a great asset. It is when difficulties occur that we can link our faith with our works. But if we refuse to acknowledge the possibility of future problems, we may be surprised and overwhelmed when they come.

People who remarry often dream or hope to heal former hurts through the new relationship. However the loss of a former spouse occurred, remarriage carries the expectation that the "new family will be just like the old one or better." People in remarriages hope that old problems will disappear. Seldom do they acknowledge that problems may continue or that new ones might arise. One of the most common myths is that if a person loves another person enough to marry him, he will also love the person's children.

Challenges Facing Combined Families

Remarriage covers a number of different types of marriages:

1. Divorced man/single woman.

2. Divorced man/widowed woman.

3. Divorced man/divorced woman.

4. Single man/divorced woman.

5. Single man/widowed woman.

6. Widowed man/single woman.

7. Widowed man/widowed woman.

8. Widowed man/divorced woman. Each previous marital status brings with it certain experiences and expectations and sometimes pain, guilt, remorse, anger, bonds, and attachments. Add to this the many combinations of involvement of children such as number, age, sex, relationship with other parents, and so on. The child of divorced parents who both remarry will have two biological parents; two stepparents; a range of possible combinations of biological siblings, step-siblings, and half-siblings; up to eight grandparents (even more if any grandparents are divorced and remarried); and any number of extended relatives through the new spouses of the biological parents. It is easy to see the complexity in combined families and the challenge of anticipating the kinds of problems or fulfillments that maybe encountered is overwhelming. The difficulty of trying to establish any single model is obvious, as Emily end John Visher point out:

When a number of persons of varying ages and stages of development suddenly come together from a variety of previous family and household backgrounds, each one already has ideas about how the television set should be used, where the dog sleeps, who prepares breakfast, how the laundry is folded, and how the hamburgers are cooked. The problem, of course, is that there is no agreement. Everyone brings different family traditions from their former family experiences--most of them given below conscious awareness until the startling experiences of trying to mind a parent who allows watching television before dinner or finding the dog sleeping at the foot of the bed.

In addition, family alliances form, with outsiders and insiders vying for positions because of the parent-child relationships that preceded the new couple's relationship. An only child may suddenly have three sisters. A biological parent may remain in memory if not in actuality. The children may be members of at least two households--going back and forth, experiencing culture shock. A stepfamily is a complex family with a large cast of characters--a family forest rather than a family tree.

Combining families requires a great deal of patience, kindness, generosity, and forgiveness on everyone's part. Children, especially, may be hesitant to offer loyalty and affection to a newcomer. They may feel they are being disloyal to a biological parent. They may feel caught in an uncomfortable situation, realizing that they should establish a warm, creative relationship with new siblings and a new parent, but they do not know how to do that while still trying to maintain previously existing bonds. Ambivalent feelings and unwelcomed behavior can be dealt with more effectively if they are acknowledged and understood. Children should be helped to understand this.

It is a mistake to expect a stepfamily to function as a normal family. It does not, and it cannot. What happens when one moves from the role of friend to that of spouse and stepparent was described by one stepparent as "like being plunked down, a stranger, in the middle of rural China, speaking the wrong language and yet torn all the while by too many people asking unanswerable questions."

When parents discipline their biological children, the children may not like the discipline or even the parents. However, when a stepparent disciplines a stepchild, the magnitude of these feelings is much greater. The stepchild may respond, "You are not my father!" or "You are not my mother!" or "You wouldn't do this to your own child!" Almost daily one is reminded that the relationship is "step" and not biological. A child may say, "I don't have to do this because you are not my mother!" or "If you were really my mother, you wouldn't make me do this!" or "Why did you have to come into our lives? Everything was fine until you came along." These feelings exist on the part of adults, too. A woman may say, "Well, I care about my stepchildren almost as if they were my own, and yet I resent them because they remind me of something I do not want to remember."

A spouse may feel that a new husband or wife in a remarriage is fine, but that the marriage is greatly complicated by children. Most remarried people report that right from the start things were much harder than they had anticipated. The tendency is to expect, to act, and to react as though the stepfamily were a biological family.

People are frequently surprised at the changes in the families before and after a marriage. Many women have indicated that they established a good relationship with the children of a prospective husband--they had long conversations and found that his children would share things with them they would not share with their father. Yet, after the marriage, something happened to this closeness; the children became more distant and seemed to feel that someone was taking the place of their mother. Such behavior is not easily understood by either generation. The challenge is even further complicated if some of the children are not living all the time with the family but visiting occasionally or on weekends. The wonderful, big family gatherings that one might have dreamed of just do not come about. Children may visit and want to have time with their parent but not the stepparent. The parent will probably feel sad about this and may even be critical of the stepparent for not being more successful in being able to establish a close, meaningful relationship with the children. The children may resent the parent, the stepparent, or both for creating this situation.

When possible, it is best for a combined family to start out in a new house. Too often, stepparents and their children move into the home previously lived in by the other adult and his or her children. It is difficult not to feel like a guest or an intruder for those who move in. It is also difficult for those who have previously been there not to resent changes that will be made--sharing things that have been private and feeling that someone else is taking over things or responsibilities that belong to a present family member or to a departed parent who no longer lives there.

In cases of divorce, noncustodial parents often complicate life. They justifiably may wonder whether a stepparent will move in and do a better job of parenting than he or she had done, especially since they may see their children so little. They may feel particularly helpless if they feel the new stepparent is not doing a good job with the children. It is difficult to accept the feeling that someone else is taking one's place. If children are living part of their lives in a second household, their loyalties will be divided. They may feel confused and frustrated. They may feel used if they have become pawns between their parents. Wise adults will do everything possible to avoid putting children into these difficult situations.

Children who spend part of their time in at least two households find they are confronted with different rules, regulations, traditions, and ways of doing things. They often become skillful in manipulating parents and in playing one against the other.

Preparing for Remarriage

If you or someone you are counseling is a formerly married person involved in a second or subsequent marriage, some of the following problems may be confronting you:

1. Discarding excess baggage. It is not unusual for people to carry into another marriage unresolved issues from an earlier marriage. These unresolved issues may be both conscious and unconscious. In more extreme cases it may be wise to seek professional help in an effort to understand and resolve as many past issues as possible. Unresolved issues frequently become hurdles to one's personal adjustment as well as relationships with others.

2. Establishing realistic expectations. Most people entering a first marriage do so with unrealistic expectations. After marriage, however, they review those expectations and adjust them appropriately. Failure to adjust one's expectations may result in great disappointment and sometimes may even precipitate a divorce. Likewise, people may enter a second marriage with unrealistic expectations. For example, they may expect a second or subsequent marriage to be like a first one or to be like a first family. But a combined family may never be like a first family. As a lay counselor, you should observe the person you are helping, and if his expectations seem to be seriously unrealistic, it may be wise to refer him to a professional who can provide guidance by reviewing what expectations are realistic for a combined family.

3. Being patient. It may take a long time--months or even years to achieve a healthy, creative relationship with stepchildren, especially in their teen years. This, of course, depends on the personalities involved, but trying to force a relationship too soon may complicate life considerably and may even postpone or prevent the relationship one is seeking. Children are often reluctant to allow someone to "take the place of" another parent. With older children, it may not be realistic to expect to become a second mother or a second father. A good friendship may be the most one can expect.

4. Integrating two or more family units. In a natural or first family the membership is well-defined, and family boundaries are clearly delineated. Family expectations, rules, roles, tasks, and goals are usually clear. In contrast, membership in a combined family is more complicated. There may be multiple relationships and bonds. Some members of the family may feel that they belong to two families or that they do not belong at all. For example, a combined family consists of two units that used to be single but are now joined. However, in a combined family there may still be a single family unit for the children, who maybe spending time with a single parent as well as with the new combined family. In addition, there may be two combined family units, where a child's biological parents have each remarried. The child's parents may not only be involved with a new spouse but still have certain bonds and ties, pleasant or unpleasant, with a former spouse. These multiple networks add stress, strain, and demands upon individuals and may be complicating factors in a combined family.

5. Adjusting to a newly acquired family. Suddenly acquiring a full-grown son or daughter or several of each may be a positive experience or an extremely difficult challenge. Suddenly becoming a grandparent by marriage presents new challenges, not only in relationships but also in self-concept. This is especially true if one's age is considerably younger than when he or she anticipated being in this stage of life. Becoming an instant mother-in-law or father-in-law may not be easy for one who is still psychologically and biologically in the stage of childbearing and preschool parenthood.

6. Handling financial matters. In a second marriage, each partner has already established financial status. Presumably, each has a source of income, and each has habits of dealing with money that maybe quite unlike the habits of the other. Patterns regarding who pays the bills, whether or not there will be allowances for spending money, and dealing with childrens' financial matters may be difficult to resolve. Expecting financial support from an ex-spouse, or assuming financial responsibilities for "someone else's" children also present difficulties.

If someone has come to you for help in considering the issue of remarriage, as you review these concerns it is important that you create safe and trusting conditions so that the person will be relatively free to discuss issues with you. Be understanding, warm, and objective. Be very cautious in giving advice. Try to help the person think through issues. Raise questions to find out whether he has actually thought about them or not; and, if so, encourage him to be as honest and objective as possible. You may be helpful in raising questions he has not yet considered. It may be possible for you to help him see an issue or a question in a new light. Avoid being trapped into making a decision for him.

The New Family System

Families do not exist in a vacuum. The cultural myths and expectations that surround combined families complicate the period of transition and integration, which, to quote one stepmother, "does not take months it takes years." When a newborn baby arrives in a first marriage, it comes with no expectations of what its world will be like. The parents have time to gradually combine their own family traditions and ways of doing things into a pattern that is taken for granted by all family members. But in combined families, each family member brings a legacy of traditions and a set of definite ideas about such diverse things as how holidays are celebrated and how children are disciplined. Both children and adults hold to the familiar customs of their former households. They find it hard to make adjustments, and many combined family members face feelings of bewilderment, frustration, hostility, and failure. Negotiation and concern for others is necessary in all families, but it is particularly important in combined families.

Family happiness is possible, but it takes time, effort, and skill. Family councils or family meetings where each person can express his feelings and feel that he is accepted and that his ideas are freely discussed can be helpful to the family that is trying to work out acceptable regulations and traditions. Families can even find that the very task of combining traditions from the past or of creating new patterns for special occasions can be exciting, interesting, and rewarding. This is possible when members feel excited about change rather than upset by it.

Many individuals who have combined families agree that it was well worth the efforts that were involved. For them, remarriage brought increased happiness. In fact, some found it so rewarding that they wished their second marriage had been their first so that they could have enjoyed it longer.

Approximately 40 percent of second marriages end in divorce in the first four years. If a couple who remarry have children from their previous marriages, the likelihood that the marriage will end in divorce is increased. The second marriage can be successful, but it requires even greater skill, patience, and effort than the first marriage. The family members must avoid comparing a second spouse with a first one, or a second mother or father with a first. In addition, they must prepare for marital happiness. There are courses, books, manuals, seminars, and workshops to help people prepare for marriage, for childbirth, for parenthood. However, there are many problems involved in combining families that are different from and do not exist in first marriages and first families. Couples who are unprepared for the combined family adventure are the most likely to face disappointment and struggle. It is best to face the new challenge with eyes wide open, with a deep commitment to seek appropriate help, and with the determination to do what is necessary in order to succeed.

As we better understand combined families and accept the fact that combined families are not like biological families, we can offer better help. We must accept combined families as legitimate kinship units. To the degree that we are able to do that, we can help those in combined families to achieve rewarding and deeply satisfying relationships.

Resources

If you are living in a combined family or if you are counseling someone who is, the following may be useful sources of help:

1. Your bishop. If he is not able to give you the help you need, he will probably tee in a position to make intelligent referrals.

2. LDS Social Services or similar social agencies in your community.

3. The Stepfamily Association of America (900 Welch Road, Suite 400, Palo Alto, CA 94304). This organization publishes a quarterly newsletter, Stepfamily Bulletin, for those who are interested in step relationships. This association also sends book lists and reprints to its members, provides training workshops for professionals, helps chapters and state divisions form mutual support networks, and is engaged in community education.

Communicating With Your Spouse

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 14:25:00 -0600

by Ron Woods
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: "As long as people keep talking, there's hope of solving any problem." This maxim shows the value of communication in handling day-to-day problems and in avoiding future ones. Couples who communicate come to work as a unit in solving problems, rather than as two individuals. They feel the support of one another in their decisions, and their love grows because of it. Besides solving and preventing problems, communication in marriage provides opportunities to share joys and sorrows, intimacies and deep feelings, love and respect, beyond any other contacts most of us have. If we think of a spouse as a true friend, this sharing will seem natural and desirable. There are few more basic components of a successful marriage than the sharing of feelings.

However, some couples have built-in radar-detectors, so to speak, to deflect inquiries into their feelings. They fear intimacies. And fear builds walls.

Many people are not natural "disclosers." They have great difficulty freely revealing their inner feelings. But even they can learn to do more of it and to enjoy the results. First, they must want to change. They need to recognize that things will go better in the relationship when they communicate honestly. When the messages sent in a marriage show acceptance, support, and love, happiness results.

The stories in this chapter illustrate the joys as well as the difficulties of honest, open communication.

Don't Forget to Talk

Brian and Joni have been married for fourteen years. They are a typical American couple: They've moved six times and have three children, two cars, a house and a mortgage, a cat, and two goldfish. Brian works for a public utility, and Joni works half days as the attendance clerk at a nearby high school. Their marriage is also typical in many ways: They get along well, love each other, go out of their way to help one another, spend time with their children, and try to work through difficulties.

Their busy schedule is typical of many modern, young families. Let's look at, say, last Tuesday:

6:45 Brian arises, showers, shaves, and dresses for work

7:10 Joni arises and showers

7:30 Brian makes toast, microwaves an egg, and greets the kids who are now getting up

7:30 Joni eats a piece of toast and prepares cooked cereal for the children

7:40 Brian leaves for work, followed at 8:10 by the children leaving for school

8:30 Joni drops her four-year-old off at the baby-sitter's on her way to work

5:30 Brian comes home. Joni has been home since noon, and the kids since about three o'clock. Joni is cooking dinner. Brian visits with the kids, helps a little with dinner, and watches part of the news on TV.

6:00 Dinner

6:45 Dishes and cleanup, evening chores

7:00 TV

8:00 TV off, kids doing homework, four-year-old in bed

9:30 Kids to rooms, Joni at the kitchen table catching up on family letters, Brian reading the newspaper in the living room, then working on a home-repair project and occasionally a little paper work brought home from the office

10:00 Joni and Brian watch part of the TV news

10:30 To bed, a few minutes of reading

Wednesday's schedule was identical until after dinner. At 7:00, Joni went to a reading-group discussion while Brian watched TV with the kids until 8:30. Joni came home at 9:25. She and Brian discussed the review briefly, but since he hadn't read the book and was in the middle of family budget calculations, his interest wasn't very deep. Joni started on next month's assigned book while Brian finished his budget work and read the paper. He watched the news while she continued to read. At 10:40, they went to bed.

If we looked at each day of the week, we would see a similar schedule, with a few evenings taken up with church meetings or social events. All in all, not a terribly stressful schedule; most people would find it pretty relaxed and comfortable.

Nothing in the schedule suggests a problem in Joni and Brian's marriage. They talk, they enjoy time with their children, they spend time together every day. But if we look closely, we see that they spend much more family time than couple time. They don't seem to talk in any great depth as a couple. They don't sense a need to, perhaps.

The question might be: Are they growing together, growing apart, or holding their own? Are they keeping in practice at talking so they feel in contact, as if they really know one another?

If talking is done regularly, then, when important matters come up, they can be discussed without having to build a framework for discussion each time or without feeling awkward. Couples who talk about small problems daily find coping with the occasional big ones easier.

And where will couples find the time to spend together? The answer is that they won't find it; they'll have to create it. It's as simple (and as difficult) as that. It's not a matter of how much time is available; it's a decision. An important one.

How We Talk

"Oh, I'm so frustrated," Diane said.

"What's up?" Reed asked.

"I came from shopping a few minutes ago, right? Well, I unloaded my sack of groceries onto the counter and stove top, hung up my coat, and went back to put things away to find one of the loaves of bread ruined. Melted plastic all over the burner, which someone left on.

"I didn't know the burner was on when I unloaded the groceries. But I should have. When Kari cooks, she leaves the stove on about half the time."

Reed started to speak, but Diane went on. "And it's about the third thing today! First, she used my sewing table, which is fine, except she leaves it a mess. I've asked her and asked her to leave things as she found them.

"Then, when I cleared up lunch, she'd put the wrong lid on the honey jar, one that didn't fit. She denied it, of course. So when I picked up the jar, it spilled on the table. I caught it quickly, but these things are frustrating, you know? You'd think she'd be old enough to start thinking a little. She is eighteen, after all. The burner really is the last straw."

Reed said, "Well, I guess I'm in the habit of looking at whether a burner is on before setting anything on it."

"Oh," Diane snapped. "So it's my fault. Well, I didn't know we were talking about me. I'm not perfect, but what does that have to do with Kari's irresponsibility?"

We've observed here a case of spouses talking "past" one another. In its simplest terms, here is a summary of the situation: Diane is frustrated over a series of incidents with her daughter. Reed offers a response to how the problem might have been avoided. Diane feels blamed. Reed dislikes having his suggestion rejected. They have failed to communicate.

Another way to state it is this: Diane is venting frustration over repeated problems with her daughter. Reed offers a solution to future problems but gives no support to Diane's present concern. Reed doesn't mean it as such, but the message Diane receives is that he is rejecting her feelings.

Let's analyze the situation. Reed's answer is, in a sense, quite reasonable. Every cook has, at one time or another, left a burner on. Therefore, in the interest of safety, others in the family could conceivably train themselves to watch for hot burners by glancing at the stove controls occasionally, especially when setting things on the burners.

While Reed does provide a solution to future problems, he doesn't make Diane feel better. What she needs at the moment is someone to say something along the lines of, "Those things must be frustrating." Then, after that, he may go on to say, "And you're right: Kari does have a problem. How can we help her? And how can we avoid future burner problems?"

Presented after his acceptance of Diane's feelings, Reed's statement about looking out for hot burners would have been taken as a helpful safety suggestion. Presented before letting Diane know he understands her frustration, Reed's idea is as out of place as would be those of a police officer lecturing auto accident victims as to future safety considerations before he offers them first aid.

Of utmost importance is a consideration of not only what the speaker is saying, but what he or she is feeling. Without that attention, talking past each other will likely become a pattern, and meaningful discussion will cease in a marriage.

How marriage partners talk is vital. And order does matter. First aid has to come first: Feelings, then solutions.

Seeing the Other Point of View

"Here's the place," Donna said, and Mark turned into the driveway. "I hope this doesn't last long. I hate to leave the baby."

"Don't worry about it. Have a good time," Mark said. "This is about the last possible shower of your old high-school friends, isn't it?"

"Yes, I think so. They're nearly all married now, those still in town," Donna said. "You won't need to pick me up. I'll catch a ride with one of the girls." She leaned across the baby seat and gave Mark a kiss, then squeezed her two- year-old. "Bye-bye, sugar. Mommy will be back soon."

"Any special instructions?" Mark asked.

"No. Just a diaper before bedtime, no later than eight o'clock these days." She reached for the door handle. "But Mark, be nice to him. You know how you're sometimes gruff. You scare him."

"Be nice!" Mark retorted. "I'm his dad! He just doesn't respond as well to me because I don't spend as much time with him as you do."

"No, it's because he thinks you're mean. He can see by your face when you're upset with him."

"Because you show him by your reaction that I'm the bad guy when you come and rescue him from me! Just because I do things differently."

Let's end this unfortunate scene by letting Donna get to her party. Mark will go home and fume. Obviously, these two have a problem to work out. It's an interesting case, since both of them were presented with new information, another point of view, but neither wanted to accept it. Mark felt accused, Donna protective.

And while we don't know the facts (only their report of the facts) it appears that Donna thinks her husband is too gruff, and that Mark thinks the problem is that he isn't around the baby enough to be as easily accepted as Donna, who spends all day with him.

Both may have a point. Maybe Mark isn't aware of rough behavior that, to a two- year-old, could come across as frightening. It's a pretty common problem. And maybe Donna isn't aware of her own reaction in the baby's presence that may add to the problem. Her "rescue" of the baby from his dad could be the real problem.

We can learn from this experience how easily two people can reject each other's viewpoint without really hearing it, like two bands marching past each other on a parade field, bugles blaring, drums pounding to their own beat. If Donna and Mark can talk further about the problem later, they may come to see that both have a point. Such an approach will obviously be in the interests of their baby and any future children.

The Answers We Give

One Saturday in late November, Keith came into the house from an errand to town to find pictures of pilgrims, turkeys, and family scenes taped to the kitchen wall.

"Ann Marie!" he called.

"Yes?" she answered from the living room.

"Have you seen what the girls did to my kitchen wall?" Keith wailed. <>P> "No, what?" Ann Marie said, as she hurried to the kitchen. She looked around but saw no cause for alarm. "What do you mean?"

"Why, these pictures pasted all over the paint."

"Oh, those?" Ann Marie said. "Those are Thanksgiving decorations they made at school. The way you were yelling, I thought they must have put them up with spikes or something. It's only masking tape. It comes right off."

"Oh, good grief," Keith groaned. "Ann Marie, don't you remember how this paint didn't stick very well when I put it on? It rubbed off just by cleaning, if we weren't careful. And now you've let them put tape all over it? The tape will come off, all right, and so will the paint."

"No, I didn't remember that, but . . . "

"Because you weren't the one who did the work to put it on!" Keith protested.

"But," Ann Marie said, angry at being interrupted and accused, "as I was saying, the paint is starting to look so shabby anyway, it didn't occur to me that taping on a few drawings would hurt anything. Where are the girls supposed to put their decorations?"

"I don't know, Ann Marie," Keith said. "I guess when I was growing up, we just didn't tape things to the walls."

"Maybe that's why, after fifteen years of marriage, we own so few paintings and wall coverings," Ann Marie said.

Sometimes the answers we give one another are anything but helpful. "Because you weren't the one who did the work to put it on," says Keith to Ann Marie. "Maybe that's why we own so few paintings and wall coverings," Ann Marie says to Keith.

Both of these comments are meant to hurt rather than to communicate, like dart throwers who forget the target and start tossing the sharp projectiles at each other. Keith's dart is a quick response to remind Ann Marie of how thoughtless she was with "my kitchen wall," as he calls it. While his concern may be understandable, his way of communicating it is not acceptable.

Ann Marie's remark is equally inappropriate. It moves the discussion from the current concern to a new subject: why the house has fewer wall hangings than she feels necessary. This completely ignores Keith's feelings about the paint and charges him with being uninterested in art because his parents didn't allow tape on the walls (a pretty big leap in logic). Sparks will surely follow such an accusation.

Both Keith and Ann Marie failed to listen to one another fully. Keith's key failure was at the point where he interrupted Ann Marie to imply lack of concern and poor judgment on her part because she hadn't done the painting, when, in fact, she felt she had perfectly good reasons to allow the pictures to go up.

Ann Marie's chance to salvage the conversation was lost when, instead of hearing Keith's real message (his concern about the paint) she disregarded his feelings and broadened the issue to one of no wall hangings: all Keith's fault.

What could have been done to keep this conversation from disintegration? At any of several points, either person could have become a listener, reflecting what was being said. "So, you feel that . . . " "You seem to be saying . . . " Phrases like these tell people that we're listening, not judging. Then, after we're sure we know what the other person feels, we can proceed to state our own feelings.

Even when a conversation has moved to the point this one has, with hurt feelings on both sides, one or the other partner can still say, "Let's back up. I want to hear what you're saying before I comment. Can we go back over your feelings once more?"

It's vital that either party, whoever thinks of it first, feel obligated to ask the right questions. Sometimes people let their pride get in the way: "She started it, so let her listen to me." Wrong, wrong, wrong. Either party can and must do the right thing. Loving listening will go a long way toward cementing relationships.

Cute Responses

Darlene was in the middle of a story her sister Faye had told her about an encounter with a co-worker.

" . . . And so, Jan is really wrought up, by now. And she says, 'Faye, this is really bothering me.' And Faye says to her, 'Well, it isn't bothering me, dear,' and walks away." Darlene chuckled to herself. "I guess the look on Jan's face was just too much. Faye thinks she really made a point."

"A point about what?" Spencer asked.

"Oh, about not making such a big deal of things, you know, and always having to talk everything out. It drives Faye crazy."

"Reminds me," Spencer said, "of the time old Slade Embley, you remember I told you about him, how he was always going on about the way movies and TV and nearly everything else were corrupting us all; well, one day in the lunchroom, he was haranguing me about something, and I said, 'Slade, if we were all as righteous as you, the world would have no troubles at all, now would it?'

"It shut him right up for quite a few days."

Such cute responses. Such powerful "last words." Such effective conversation- enders. The ultimate punch lines. Some people love them. They use them, not as communication tools, but as weapons, to put us in our place, to tell us that our views are worthless and that we're pests for having feelings about things.

"Faye thinks she really made a point." Oh, she did. She made the point that she isn't interested in what Jan thinks and that people with concerns had better not bother Faye with them. Spencer made a point, too: that Slade could take his opinions elsewhere.

Now, we don't know Jan, and we don't know Slade. Maybe they really are pests. Maybe their views are weird, indeed. But they're also people. And if they need to be told to back off, they can be told in kind ways. Words weren't meant to be bludgeons.

Without starting wars, nations can, when they try, tell other nations when they think a policy stinks. Similarly, people can be told anything, anything, if they're told in the right way.

In a marriage, the cute response is divorce-fodder. A husband or wife who uses the sharp retort or clever answer in place of listening and discussing will build a wall of fear and distrust that may be nearly impossible to tear down.

Emotions

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. The other car appeared out of nowhere, coming straight at them: a sleek, green, deadly missile. At the wheel of the station wagon, Wayne knew instantly they were certain to be hit. His foot, more than his mind, sensed that speeding up, not braking, was necessary. As his cerebrum caught up with his instinct, he knew the reason: being hit further back on the rear fender would certainly be better than broadside on his door. Karen, belted in beside Wayne, made a sound of some kind; she couldn't remember later whether she spoke words or just yelled and pointed at the oncoming car. She saw the startled look on the face of the young driver as he realized too late the certainty of a crash. His brakes screeched and he yanked the wheel to the right, but there was no doubt in Karen's mind it would not be enough.

The jolt was fierce and the tug on the seat belts made clear how valuable they were. When the noise stopped, Wayne shook his head to clear it. His glasses were gone, and he found them down between the seat and the door, neatly folded as if he'd placed them there himself. With them back on, he saw that his station wagon had spun 180 degrees and slid up against the curb, facing the opposite direction, the engine still running. He turned off the ignition.

"Whoa," Wayne breathed. "Are you all right?" Karen looked fine, other than being a little pale.

"Oh, I think so," she said. "You?"

"I hit my shoulder on the door, but I'm OK."

They looked through the windshield at the green sports car, its hood sprung, slanted across the intersection. The young driver got out, glanced their way, and went to examine the front of his car.

"That was a stop sign," Wayne said. "He went right through it."

"It's a good thing he hit us where he did," Karen said, "And not a few feet further forward." Her voice was shaky.

Wayne went on like he hadn't heard. "We had the right-of-way and he went right through the sign." His voice was rising. Suddenly, Karen sobbed aloud.

The sound startled Wayne. "Are you OK?" he asked.

Karen's face crumpled. "Oh, yes. . . . Just scared. I'm fine. I need to cry a little, I guess."

"Well, I'm gonna find out what that dummy thinks he's doing, running a stop sign like that," Wayne said sharply. He grabbed his door handle. "Stupid little creep."

Same incident, different emotions. A story like this reminds us of how differently two people can react to the same external event. Both Wayne and Karen are naturally upset by the accident, but Wayne's feelings come out as anger, Karen's as tears. Of course, neither of these responses is necessarily more correct, reasonable, or better than the other. They are simply emotional releases, part of our humanity.

Some people reject emotions on principle. They feel they get in the way of logic and reason. Perhaps they do. (One might also wonder whether logic and reason are clearly the absolute pinnacles of life, though.)

Whether or not emotional responses are always helpful misses the point: Emotions are part of us. As well might we try to reject our pancreas or our liver; emotions are simply built in.

Having emotions isn't wrong; how they're handled and what they do to other people sometimes is. If couples can learn to express their emotions honestly, without blame and without guilt, their communication will bear fruit: they will understand one another (and themselves) better.

Too Much Communication

Spouse A, looking out the kitchen window, agitated: "I'm feeling really angry, and I'm going to spill it, like they say to. You agreed with me a while back that, when you worked in the yard, you wouldn't leave the tools and the stack of pulled weeds heaped on the lawn. But I can see from here you didn't mean to keep your word. That hoe out there was there night before last. And the pile of weeds has probably turned the grass yellow by now."

Spouse B, getting up from the table to look out the window: "Oh, boy. I asked Len to..."

Spouse A, very agitated: "Not another of your excuses. I see the same pattern over and over. You never do what you say you will. It's like you try to make me upset. I work to keep the place looking decent..."

Spouse B, now agitated also: "Hey, you're not the only one who does anything around here. You ought to feel grateful somebody pulls the weeds in those flower beds. You certainly never get around to it."

Is somebody carrying a referee's whistle? Let's stop the action right now before things get any worse, which they certainly will, the way these two are going.

I avoided naming these participants or identifying their sex, so no one could dismiss their story as that of a shrewish wife or an abusive husband, or vice versa! Either sex is capable of accusing and making problems worse than they merit.

Spouse A justifies his or her rampage by saying, "I'm feeling really angry, and I'm going to spill it, like they say to." This is an apparent reference to popular thinking of the day, which tends to advocate saying what you feel, getting your feelings out. There's a general attitude that bottled-up emotions produce cancer and heart attacks, and that releasing them is necessary to avoid tension and to promote deeper, more honest relationships.

Perhaps so. Proper release (in the right way, at the right time, to the right person) is helpful, and it can promote better relationships. However, when carried too far, this view is dangerous. What we've seen here is certainly not building relationships, and it seems to be creating its own tensions rather than releasing them.

While there are useful ways to reduce feelings of anger, most "ventilationists" point out that overly aggressive behavior becomes self-feeding and turns small anxieties into big ones. Which of us hasn't shouted at someone, only to find ourselves getting angrier the more we shouted? Who can doubt the "psych-up" value of the aggressive fist-jabbing movements many football players display after a successful tackle or quarterback sack. Emotions feed on themselves.

Look at the harmful and destructive language in the discussion above: "You didn't mean to keep your word." "Not another of your excuses." "You never do what you say." "It's like you try to make me upset." All of these are accusations against the other person rather than useful expressions of feelings.

Does a spouse have a right to express anger? Definitely. But how? How about this three-step process: First, delay. This is where one can simmer down, count to 10, 50, 100, whatever it takes to become calm. Second, decide. Will expressing these feelings improve or hurt the situation? In the short run? Long run?

Third, after analyzing questions like these, if this seems to be one of those times when expression is better than silence or delay, then by all means make an honest statement of feelings, but without blaming, accusing, or making the problem worse.

Compare Spouse A's approach with non-threatening statements like these: "I feel angry about the hoe and weeds in the yard. I think we need to talk. Now or later?"

Expressing anger is neither good nor bad in itself. It depends on the situation. Couples may feel free to express feelings, but only after thinking about the consequences, and after a commitment to civility, restraint, and empathy. None of these will give us cancer.

Ground Rules

"OK, honey, I think we can talk now," Kelly said. "I got the baby settled down, and the other kids are finally getting to bed. What was on your mind?"

"Quick. Bar the door. Maybe we can get four minutes for ourselves," Lance said.

Kelly laughed, "Sometimes it is wild around here, isn't it? Did we know when we started out what having five kids would be like?"

Lance shook his head. "Are you kidding? Some things can't be understood without being there. And it's a good thing we didn't! But one thing I did know, Kelly Ann Webb Levine."

"Oh, and what's that, Lance William Levine?"

"That I loved you very much."

"My, aren't you romantic tonight."

"And still do."

"Keep talking. I'm all ears."

"And what I wanted to talk about will help us stay in love even more in the future," Lance said.

"I'm all for that, mister."

"OK, here's the deal. We've had our share of arguments over the years. Probably no more than normal. Sometimes we've managed to understand each other and come to a compromise or resolution. Other times, we haven't done so well. We've hurt each other, said things we shouldn't have, and maybe wounded the relationship." He paused. "Right?"

"Yes, and sometimes we've just dropped it because we couldn't agree."

"That's right. Well, I read an article a few months ago that's stuck with me. It talked about setting up ground rules for discussion, and it sounds like a good idea to me. You know, to take time, when there is no problem (like right now) to lay out a few guidelines for how to handle things when they do come up. Sort of a Levines' Rules of Order, I guess, so we stand a better chance of coming to solutions without hurting each other."

Kelly was thoughtful. "OK. Yes, it sounds good to me."

"You're hesitant," Lance said.

"Well, only because I'm not sure yet what you have in mind," Kelly said. "And, if I'm honest, I guess I still harbor the idea, romantic and idealistic as it is, that we ought to learn to control our tongues and love each other more and everything would be fine.

"Not that I believe that always works," Kelly went on. "When I really think about it, I know that things come up, people have feelings, biting the tongue isn't always best, and all that. But my first reaction is more the 'leave it alone and it will go away' idea.

"But never mind. I know certain things need to be talked out. Erase my hesitancy. I'm in favor."

"OK," Lance said. "Well, I listed here a few ideas, some I remember from the article, some are my own. These are only a beginning, and I'd want us to add to them. Maybe I can explain these, and you can think about them, then we'll talk about them tomorrow night.

"First, I wrote here, 'Listen, listen, listen.'meaning to take the time to really understand the problem before wading in with the answer."

"OK," Kelly said.

"Next, 'Stop recycling.' "

"I think I know what that means," Kelly said. "We sometimes like to drag out all the old issues when we're in the middle of something."

"Exactly," Lance said. "It gets in the way, and takes us off the subject. Next, I have 'Set aside time.' What does that one mean to you?"

"You mean to bring things up when there's really time to discuss them, not necessarily right when they occur?" Kelly asked.

"That, plus making a regular time (once a week at least, maybe even daily, for a couple of minutes) to check in with each other and see how life in general is going, before things build up, you know?"

"I like that," Kelly said. "I think it would help a lot. We get so busy with the kids and everything, sometimes it's like we're strangers."

"Next . . . "

"Before you leave that one, Lance," Kelly said.

"Sure, what?"

"Well, I heard somewhere, at a church meeting, I think, a talk about that kind of daily meeting, and I remember that the woman speaking said she and her husband started out each session by talking only about the good things that had happened that day, and complimenting each other. This made them feel closer and kept them feeling good about each other. After that, they went into talking about specific categories as needed.

"They used a checklist with things like money, children, household chores; I remember those three."

Lance was writing them down. "Good. I'd add one right off, and that's talking about goals and plans. Sometimes I feel like we don't know what the other one intends, like a few years ago when you thought of our savings as for a piano, and thought I agreed, and all along I was thinking of a second car."

Lance and Kelly have a great list started, and a great idea: to set the ground rules for discussion while things are calm. With a little more work and some practice, they'll come up with enough basics that their arguments will be reduced, and those that occur will be better handled.

Couples can easily fall into the habit of really talking only when there's something to settle. How much better to talk regularly. Kelly's initial hesitancy is often typical. We've sometimes been raised to feel that disagreements are simply bad, and that if we were better people we wouldn't have them. We would simply exercise "Christian" restraint and let everything go by us.

It's a misguided idea. Christianity has nothing to do with it. Those people who allow no ripples ever to trouble the smooth surface of their marriage usually have a superficial marriage. They don't really relate, and they certainly don't grow as a couple. They merely co-exist, side by side, because they never know one another in depth. They avoid problems by avoiding real interaction with each other.

A realistic view tells us that two intelligent, distinct personalities are bound to view certain things differently, no matter how much alike they may be. Ground rules help provide a way to work through inevitable differences. And setting aside time for compliments and positive comments will ensure that at least some of the messages we send one another will be more than neutral or negative, but positive and uplifting.

Both spouses are responsible for improved communication in their marriage. Good communication is vital to the long-term as well as the day-to-day operation of a relationship.

Questions for Discussion

Are we, as a couple, in the habit of talking? Do we agree on the amount of time to spend at it? Can we talk easily about small and large matters, or are we out of practice?

How do we talk? Are we mostly able to resolve problems and help one another without making the problem worse by making comments of the wrong type? How can we improve our ability not to "talk past" one another?

How are we at accepting new information and other points of view?

Are we effective listeners? Do we need to practice? Are we committed to the concept? Are we willing to stop a conversation when we're unclear and state our interest in understanding the other person's view?

How are we at holding our clever tongues? Do we hurt one another and cut each other off by smart remarks? How can we avoid this problem?

How are we at allowing varied emotions in each other over the same event?

Do we know how to express strong emotions without blaming each other or making the situation worse? Can we talk through how best to express these emotions? Would a few practice sessions help?

Do we both know the ground rules for discussion in our home? Do we have a regular time to positively share ideas and thoughts and to routinely discuss important matters?

Changing Your Focus

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 16:03:00 -0700

by Emily Watts
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Sometimes our focus in marriage, if not centered on the right things, will only display the negative. But a quick shift in perspective can help alleviate the not-so-great effects of miscommunication.

Because I married a man, and because my husband grew up in a different family from my own, some pretty interesting miscommunications have made their way into our marriage.

I accept my share of the responsibility, harboring my own expectations. But with diligent communication, and a change of focus on my part, we’ve been able to make it through the rocky parts.

Letting Go

One assumption I learned I needed to let go of was the way I gauged my husband’s love for me or his ability to read my mind. I blame romantic movies for this, at least in part.

Have you seen the movie Only You? It’s about a girl who is convinced her soul mate is a man with a certain name that she heard from a fortune teller. She flies to Italy to find him and another guy falls in love with her, but sees that she is determined to play this soul-mate thing out. So he agrees to help her find the man. They track him down at a hotel, and she sets up a date, and the guy who loves her (her true soul mate) buys her a gift for the date. It’s a pair of shoes. They are the right size. They are the right color. They are the right style. They are exactly the perfect shoes for the outfit she is planning to wear. Cinderella herself could not have possessed a more ideal shoe.

What man in the world can do this?

This is why those movies are so popular, by the way—because we all want to believe there is someone out there who could discern our every need, sometimes fulfilling needs we didn’t even know we had. And so we fall into the trap of “If I have to ask, it doesn’t count.”

The sort of ridiculous behavior this translates to in real life is, for example, me stacking up empty soup cans and cereal boxes until they perch precariously two or three feet above the brim of the kitchen waste can, waiting for my husband to take it out to the trash. Because, you see, if he really loved me, he’d do it without having to be asked.

After nearly three decades of marriage, I have learned that my husband would do just about anything for me. He runs hard and fast, like a train on a track, and the only problem is that if the track doesn’t happen to go past the garbage can, he genuinely doesn’t see the trash piling up. Now I say, “Honey, could you take out the garbage?” and he says, “Sure,” and does it. It’s a miracle!

The Science of Gifts

The place where all this really breaks down in our household is in the giving of gifts. My husband is one of ten children, and in his growing-up years, a gift-giving occasion such as Christmas or a birthday meant a chance for you to get something you’d had your eye on all year. If you could go to the store with Mom and Dad to pick it out personally, so much the better.

By contrast, I grew up in a family of four children, and my mother was the kind of person who kept track of things in a little notebook. If you admired something in a store in July, it would likely be under the tree for you in December. So Christmas was always a time of wonderful surprises, and I love being surprised.

I imagined that, after I was married, my husband would demonstrate his intimate understanding of and love for me by the gifts he chose. This was my soul mate, after all, the one I had chosen to spend eternity with. He, more than anyone, would be able to plumb the depths of my heart. I could hardly wait to see what he would choose for me—and I could hardly wait for him to see what I would get for him.

When my husband found out that I intended to surprise him with a Christmas present, he was horrified. The thought that I might spend money from our limited resources on something he might not actually want threw him into a panic. Even worse was his dawning realization that I also expected to be surprised. The expectations imposed by this belief system were so overwhelming that we had more than one fairly miserable Christmas.

Finally, after several years of hissing, we achieved an accommodation that serves us to this day. The rule is (and we have this in a contract), he may pick out his own Christmas present, but he may not have it until Christmas. The latter clause had to be added after he began ordering things in October. And he has to submit to being surprised with one small item, valued at $20 or less, to fulfill my need to surprise someone. On the other end of the deal, I will go with him to pick out my main Christmas present, but then he has to surprise me with something in the $20 range, just to prove that he’s trying to be my soul mate. This compromise works for both of us.

In one of the uneasy years before we reached this agreement, it was getting close to Mother’s Day and my husband came to me early in the week and said, “Honey, they’ve just called me out of town for work and I won’t be back until late Saturday night. I’m going to have to get your Mother’s Day present while I’m gone. Please, please, can’t you just tell me what to get?”

I had to think about this for a minute. He was going to Elko, Nevada. I had not ever envisioned Elko as the shopping capital of Nevada, but surely there would be something there that would suit. Then it dawned on me—silver country! Of course! So I said, “I could really use a pair of silver earrings.” His face brightened, and I thought, I have made it so easy for this man. He won’t even have to set foot outside the hotel; he can get a pair of earrings in the gift shop. This was great: I would get a nice gift, and he would still have to do a little picking out, so it would be really personal as well.

That Saturday night when he returned home, it was clear from the look on his face that he had fulfilled his mission. You know how you feel when you’ve got just the right present for someone, and you can hardly wait to give it to the person? That’s how he looked. So I was pretty excited for the next morning.

Surprise!

Sunday dawned, and the kids came in with the traditional breakfast in bed—soggy Cheerios and slightly burnt toast. Burnt toast is actually fairly symbolic of motherhood, as far as I’m concerned. If you’re the one who burned the toast, you scrape it off and eat it yourself so the kids won’t have to. If they burned it, you eat it because they burned it especially for you. However you look at it, you’re going to end up consuming a fair amount of burnt toast—and loving it.

So we had the breakfast, and then it was time for the gift. Out came the little package, and the excitement was just dancing in my husband’s eyes. I unwrapped the box and opened it carefully. Inside were two pairs of sterling silver earrings.

In the shape of—dinosaurs.

To give credit to my husband’s fashion sense, the pairs were actually quite different. There were little brontosauruses in a kind of flat, hammered, two-dimensional treatment, and little stegosauruses that were three-dimensional and, well, spiky. I looked at those earrings, and then I looked up at my family, and I said, “Thank you!” My husband was grinning from here to Tuesday, and he said, “I thought the kids would get a kick out of those!” What I thought, though I didn’t say it out loud, was, Yes, well I don’t normally put on sterling silver earrings for the kids, sweetheart. I was sort of thinking church, the symphony, a nice occasion. But he was so happy, and the kids really were getting a kick out of the earrings, so I decided that if nothing else I could be the hit of the preschool carpool.

Do a freeze-frame here and let’s take a moment to think about this little incident. Picture a scale, and put those silly little stegosauruses on one side of it. Now, on the other side, put a husband who honors his priesthood, who loves and serves the Lord, who works every day at a stressful and demanding job so that I can be home taking care of our kids, who loves me enough to want to buy me a Mother’s Day present, and who values my role as a mother so much that, when he’s picking a gift for me, he believes the thing that will please me most is something that the kids will get a kick out of. Put all those things on the other side of the scale, and you tell me, do you think, in fact, that this might be my soul mate after all?

What I’ve learned is that part of “I’ll go where you want me to go” is “I’ll see what you want me to see.” In most relationships, there’s a whole lot of good along with a pretty stiff dose of not-so-good. When we choose to focus on the good, it becomes much easier to see each other as I believe our Father in Heaven sees us. And that’s a much happier way to live.

The great thing about seeing the world and each other this way is that it doesn’t take any more time. It doesn’t take an ounce more energy. You don’t have to engage more personal resources. You just have to focus in a different way.

Valentine's Day for the Married Set

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 14:50:00 -0700

by Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Married couples with children occasionally start to wonder about all this romance business. For example, a coworker approached my husband and asked, "Where are you and your wife going on your hot date this week?"

“Well,” my husband answered, “we haven’t decided yet whether to go to Barney’s Food Basics or Stan’s Grocery.”

Becoming a parent has a way of making romance a little more difficult and complicated…but not impossible. After a few years of marriage and more than a few children, I’ve found that love has a way of showing its head at common but unexpected times.

I used to love my husband for the way he looked in his basketball uniform. Now I love him the for the way he looks in his sweats after being up with a sick baby all night.

I used to love my husband’s strong muscles from lifting weights in the gym. But now I love his muscles best when they’re used for carrying laundry to the washing machine, Jordan to the roof for his sixty-seventh lost softball, and Jacob when he’s too tired to walk anymore at Disneyland.

I used to love my husband for taking me out to expensive restaurants. Now I love him for making us Postum and cinnamon toast to eat while we watch the ten o’clock news.

I used to admire the way my husband washed and polished his new car. Now I admire the way he washes our children at bath time and the way he always carefully polishes each apple with the kitchen towel for the Christmas stockings.

I used to admire my husband’s latest intellectual recital from his vast store of knowledge. But now I admire him most when he’s crawling on all fours and acting like a goon to get our baby to laugh, attentively listening to our preschoolers tell knock-knock jokes without punch lines, helping our teenagers with algebra, or reading bedtime stories on the loveseat.

I used to admire my husband’s courage to travel to exotic foreign lands. Now I admire his courage to stay home, get up every morning, and face the work world, only to come home to sticky kitchen chairs, a teenager with a learner’s permit, last-minute peanut-butter-and-jam dinners and after-dinner children who explode with “Daddy-do-this” energy.

My husband spends his free time fixing flat bicycle tires, holes in the plasterboard directly opposite the doorknobs, leaking faucets, washing machines, hair driers, curling irons, squeaky doors, remote control cars, beheaded dolls, and runny noses. He takes time to build dollhouses, model airplanes, clubhouses, and our children’s memories.

I used to think the greatest show of romantic love was a passionate Hollywood kiss and embrace followed by an expression like, “Oh my darling, I cannot live another moment without you.” Now I feel the greatest expressions of love sound more like “Snuggle up and I’ll get your feet warm.” Or, “Don’t worry about the car, honey. We have insurance.” Or, “I’ll take care of the kids. Why don’t you get out and do whatever you want for the day.” Or, “Why, this casserole hardly tastes burned at all.”

Almost three decades ago, my husband and I knelt across a lace-covered altar and gazed into each other’s eyes, believing our love was complete. Now we gaze across a crumpled bed with bloodshot eyes at six in the morning while one child crawls across my stomach, another is perched on my husband’s nose, and one is ready for a jet landing on our shins. The others are spilling cereal and throwing oranges in the kitchen.

A famous unmarried author was once interviewed about her illustrious career. She was wealthy and had been internationally published, seemingly receiving every prestigious award. “I’d give it all up in a moment,” she said to the reporter, “to be able to sit next to the fire in the evenings with someone I love and someone who loves me.”

And that, in spite of the constant chaos we call family life, is why marital romance just keeps getting better and better.