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The Untouchables: Part 2

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Lawson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Part two in a series in which LDS Living editor Jamie Lawson describes her experiences among leprosy victims in India. In India, those suffering from leprosy are considered to be “untouchables.” Believed to be cursed by God, they have been cast out of society to live on the outskirts of civilization, where they beg on the streets for survival. Even their shadows are believed to be cursed. (To learn more, click here to read "The Untouchables: Part 1.") But strides are being made to fight the cultural stigma associated with the disease and to help leprosy victims heal both physically and emotionally.

As we rode in the Rising Star Outreach mobile medical van along the dilapidated and dusty roads of Chingleput, India, Dr. Senthil Kumar, who travels to various leprosy colonies to provide medical care, explained the cultural stigma that compounds the physical suffering caused by the disease.

"Leprosy has been around for more than three thousand years, and it has always been considered a curse," he said at the time. "Many believe it is a punishment from God, that if a person has leprosy, they are evil."

He continued, "In the past, when someone contracted the disease, the only option was to send that person out of the house. That way, at least the other family members would have a chance for education and a normal life."

Healing Wounds The first scene I observed at Chettipunniyam leprosy colony was overpowering. Piles of garbage lined the rows of tiny mud shacks, and goats, chickens, cats, and dogs roamed freely. The unsanitary conditions and poor diet have created an environment in which it is extremely difficult for residents to stay healthy.

The day I visited, many volunteers had accompanied the doctor in hopes of helping to clean victims' wounds. They quickly spread the word that the doctor was there, then they filled basins with water, donned latex gloves, and began carefully washing the hands and feet of leprosy patients. The sight of deformities and gaping wounds was overwhelming at first - but so was the love and tenderness shown by the volunteers as they knelt down and freely touched these "untouchables." With the help of nurses, volunteers removed old bandages, washed wounds, carefully scraped away dead tissue, and applied ointment and clean bandages. Dr. Kumar then screened patients for diabetes, hypertension, and tuberculosis.

"Leprosy causes nerve damage, so people lose feeling in their extremities and often injure themselves," Kumar explains. "They don't know how hot the coffee is they're holding, or if they're walking with a nail in their foot. They get skin ulcers, which get infected, and the hands claw and become paralyzed. The wound care is so terrible that we have to remove hands and feet and legs." He also explains how vermin, including maggots and rats, will remain unnoticed as they consume the tissue of leprosy victims.

Kumar says most of the time leprosy victims use old bandages simply to cover their wounds, not to keep them clean, so their sores don't heal. "The sores are sometimes there for ten or twenty years," he says. According to Church member Becky Douglas, who founded Rising Star Outreach, that's why they began to teach self wound care. "As soon as we put the responsibility on them, wounds began to heal much more quickly than when we were coming around once or twice a month. The difference has been unbelievable."

Rebuilding Lives Despite the physical suffering, Kumar insists, "it's not the disease that kills them, but . . . the stigma that is killing the people here. Leprosy doesn't kill all at once, but it kills the self-esteem, the family life, the social status, chances of education, and chances of being a respectable person in society." (Dr. Kumar himself is unable to open a private practice because he works with untouchables. When people find out he treats leprosy victims, they refuse to come to him.)

In the past, street begging seemed like the only way leprosy victims could survive. But thanks to Rising Star Outreach and their partnership with Padma Venkataraman, a well-known activist and daughter of a former Indian president, thousands of leprosy victims who were once beggars have been able to receive micro loans to build their own businesses. I saw these businesses at the Bharatapuram leprosy colony in southern India, businesses that included a sewing business, a barber shop, a snack shop, and a carpentry business (which remarkably employs colonists as well as people from the surrounding village).

"When you beg on the streets, the worse you look the more money you make. It makes leprosy victims want to be the worst they can be," says Douglas. "But when they start their micro businesses, they begin cleaning themselves up. They have transformed themselves both inside and outside, and have regained their self respect."

Thriving businesses make Bharatapuram unique, but the jewel of this colony is the Bindu Art School - a place where leprosy patients learn to express their creativity through painting. Launched in 2005 by Austrian artist Werner Dornik and Padma Venkataraman, students here learn to paint despite their deformities, sometimes taping paintbrushes to their fists.

"At first, they only had two colors to use - blue and black. Those colors, combined with the mood of the patients, led to pretty depressing art," says Douglas. "But as the painters began to get access to more colors, and as they healed through self expression, the art became more joyous."

"Joyous" is a good description. After spending some time with the artists, I found all of their work to be colorful, often whimsical. Some painted nature scenes, while other pieces were abstract. Some paintings were sophisticated, some were elementary, but all had a great energy about them. (I couldn't resist buying a painting of my own.) In fact, the artists here are gaining worldwide recognition; their work has been shown in the galleries of cities like London, Berlin, and New Delhi.

The Bharatapuram colony was a fascinating example of how leprosy victims are healing emotionally and rebuilding their lives. But perhaps the most touching example of resiliency I found was in the tiny colony of Mugalvadi.

The few residents who live here were friendly and welcoming, and upon our arrival we were immediately donned with bindis (the ornamental dots worn on the forehead). The colonists, who were all elderly, were eager to communicate through hand gestures and a few English words.

With the help of Dr. Kumar, who translated between Tamil and English, I was able to hear the moving stories of these colonists. For example, Krishnan, who has lost all his fingers and one leg, contracted leprosy when he was 15 years old and was forced to leave home. His wife, Saroja, was just 9 years old when she and her father contracted the disease. They survived as beggars near a temple in Chennai. Saroja's father met Krishnan at a leprosy treatment facility and wanted him to marry Saroja. The couple has been married for 40 years, living in Mugalvadi since 1972.

As the volunteers visited with the colonists, Dr. Kumar took me behind the living quarters to show me something quite remarkable. Saroja, who has lost a leg to leprosy, along with many fingers and toes, had set up a birdbath and bird feeder.

"It takes her more than an hour to drag herself over to the well and fill bowls with water for the birds," he explains. "She then scoots herself and the bowls back behind the homes."

The residents here do not have enough to eat. In fact, we brought a 50-pound bag of rice with us to supplement the meager amount of food they receive from the government. Yet, Kumar says, Saroja takes some of her rice and lovingly grinds it up to feed the birds.

"It is her way of sharing," he says. "Though she needs so much help herself, she still finds a way to give to someone else."

After visiting these colonies, it is clear to me that leprosy victims have talents and stories and love that they crave to share. And now, in a variety of ways, they are finding the opportunities to do so.

Click here to read The Untouchables: Part 3

Message of Joy

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jack Rushton
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Life may not be easy for Jack Rushton, but because of his resolve, he has inspired thousands of people with his story of faith and joy. In person, through writing, and through video, Jack uses his story to show that there is always a reason to continue living. Jack was injured in a body surfing accident 20 years ago, when he was 50 years old. While enjoying a beach vacation with his wife, Jo Anne, and their six children in Southern California, he decided to play in the waves with his 16-year-old son. Jack was riding a harmless-looking wave to shore when suddenly it pounded him into the sand, damaging his spinal cord beyond repair. As a result, he is paralyzed from the neck down and is dependent on a respirator.

Jack may be injured in body, but not in spirit. Despite his tragic accident, Jack keeps a positive attitude that many without his trials find difficult to maintain. What is most impressive is that he doesn’t use that attitude purely for his own benefit - he reaches out to others who are struggling and says, "Look, it's good to be alive."

Sharing the Story Through Jack's writing and videos, he has done many people a world of good. Since his YouTube video "It's Good to Be Alive" was posted two years ago, it's had 460,000 views. Viewers regularly write to Jack telling him what his message has meant to them. "Almost every day I get e-mails from people all over the United States, and places like England and New Zealand," he says, "and they are not members of the Church. They are people who have great faith."

Jack's message contains many stories of his life and includes a lot of humor, mostly playful jabs at his situation. "They love the humor. They are blown away that someone in this condition can have a sense of humor about what had happened," Jack says. In one part of his YouTube message, he talks about how he always wanted to be the best at something, but he never was. He said when he became injured, he thought, "You know, maybe I can be the best quadriplegic on a respirator that ever lived." But the next thing he knew, Christopher Reeve became paralyzed. "And I'm in competition with Superman!"

But Jack's fans consider him to be a hero in his own right. He's even saved lives. Jack tells of a time when he received an e-mail from a woman who had been considering suicide. She told Jack that she was in deep depression, but came across his YouTube clip "It's Good to Be Alive" and had to rethink things. "She was so embarrassed with herself that she let herself sink to that level," he says.

Jack says he's been prompted to share his story with others. "I came through [my situation] and felt like I had a message to share with others, that we need to have faith in God, and that it's only through His help that we can make it through this mortal existence. Even though I'm paralyzed and on life support, the quality of my life is so good, and I have a feeling of peace and joy that I never thought I would have. I just feel obligated to share that message."

"It's just overwhelming to me how badly people want hope like this," he continues. "We had no idea that this would happen."

Not a Slam Dunk For the first three or four years, Jack found himself able to function, but not much more. He simply lived and got used to his new way of life - being dependent on others, being dependent on the respirator, and doing all he could to heal. "It was not just a slam dunk," he says. "It took time." Jack recalls that he finally came to grips with what had happened to him, and that this was how he was going to live out the rest of his life. He would have to make the best of it. "I simply could not have done it without the help of the Lord and His spirit in my life. I owe everything to Him. The last fifteen or sixteen years have been really wonderful."

A Wonderful Companion Jack's inspiring story would not be possible if it weren't for his wife. Before the accident, Jack and Jo Anne had already been a very close-knit couple - married for 25 years with six happy children. While their relationship changed when Jack was injured, it was not for the worse. "In many ways, we are much closer to one another than we ever were." Jack says that the accident caused her to make a bigger adjustment than he did. At the time of the accident, she still had children in the house that she had to raise, but she rose to the occasion and shouldered the responsibility of running the household and taking care of Jack. "Her love and support has really kept me alive. She has been a great blessing."

Strength through Trials Jack's inspiring faith has proved a rock in his own family as well as those he has never met. He says, "I do believe that every one of us, at one time or another, will have challenges and obstacles that come into our lives. But if we have faith and are willing to keep the commandments . . . we will be able to overcome the challenges that come into our lives."

Jack concludes by saying that we will all have to make a choice. "Not one of us [can] escape mortality. My challenge is very obvious, but everyone has their own unique challenges that are not as visible as mine. We can either go away from God and lose our faith, or adversity can bring us closer to Him."

The Untouchables: Part 1

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Lawson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Part one in a series in which LDS Living editor Jamie Lawson describes her experiences among leprosy victims in India.

Leprosy is one of the most feared diseases in human history. Assumed by many people to have disappeared centuries ago, this devastating disease continues to destroy the lives of people around the world.

Like most of us, I'd never given leprosy much thought. The only time it crossed my mind was during scripture study or Sunday school lessons. (The Old Testament notes that Moses, his sister Miriam, Naaman, and King Uzziah were all at some time afflicted with the disease. There are also accounts of Jesus healing leprosy victims in Matthew, Mark, and Luke - I use the term "leprosy victims" because "leper" is considered extremely offensive today.)

It was Church member Becky Douglas who first opened my eyes to the suffering this ancient disease still inflicts today. She is the founder of Rising Star Outreach, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping leprosy victims and their families (to read her story, click here ). Her accounts of the trials leprosy victims face and the amazing progress that is being made through her organization fascinated me, so I immediately accepted her gracious invitation to come to India and see for myself. I'll be sharing my experiences with you over the coming weeks, but today I want to give you some background about the disease - much of which may surprise you.

While doing some research for my trip, I learned that an effective treatment for leprosy, also known as Hansen's disease, has existed since 1982. In fact, the World Health Organization (WHO) has made this treatment available free of charge worldwide since 1995. Still, the WHO estimates that about three million people worldwide are permanently disabled by the disease, and approximately 70 percent of the world's cases are found in India.

Why India? There are several reasons. First, there are about half a billion people living in poverty there. So despite government initiatives to educate the public about the disease, the message doesn’t reach the poorest of the poor, who are living in horrendous conditions tantamount to disease and starvation.

But perhaps the most influential factor is the cultural stigma associated with the disease. In India, leprosy is widely considered to be a curse, and those who contract the disease are evil, receiving punishment for a sin committed in this life or a previous one. Those afflicted with leprosy are often treated as "untouchables," disowned by family members, and cast out of society - forced to live in leprosy colonies on the outskirts of civilization and beg on the streets for survival. That's why many times people are too ashamed and afraid to seek treatment, and those who are brave enough to go to the hospital are often turned away. (Yes, it's shocking. But before you rush to judgment, it should be noted that for years leprosy patients in the U.S. were required by law to be confined at a facility in Carville, Louisiana, many of whom were forced there against their will. Patients there often changed their names to protect their families' reputations, were not allowed to marry, and were denied the right to vote - a right they finally won in 1946.)

Despite the tremendous obstacles, progress is being made in India. I have seen it. But it will likely take generations to overcome the cultural stigma associated with leprosy, as well as restore health, self-respect, and self-confidence to leprosy victims.

While in India I had the privilege of meeting many leprosy victims and their children, who are also considered "untouchables" by association. By sharing some of their stories, it is my hope to show the hearts and souls and indomitable spirits of those who suffer from the effects of this disease. Stay tuned.

Click here to read the second part of the series, "Healing Body and Spirit."

Fostering Love: The Ins and Outs of Foster Parenting

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Lecia Crider
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: With approximately half a million U.S. children in the foster care system, the demand for loving foster parents is overwhelming. While foster parenting is fraught with both joys and challenges, many who open their homes to children in need count it among the most rewarding experiences of their lives. It all started with a pair of cute little grins. Twin girls that lived within Rich and Patti Balluff's branch boundaries were being sent into foster care, and the branch president asked them if they would consider becoming foster parents and taking the girls in. They readily agreed. By the time they had completed the licensing process, the girls had already been placed in another home, but when the state asked the Balluffs if they would be willing take other children instead, they said yes. That was the beginning, and it's how I came to grow up in a home with seven of my own siblings, and twenty-three foster brothers and sisters as well.

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People who have considered becoming a foster parent often have many questions. What exactly does foster parenting involve? Am I cut out for it? How would it affect my family?

The decision to become a foster parent can become an inner struggle between wanting to help those in need and wondering just how much of yourself you can reasonably give. For some people the decision feels like a gamble. For others, the answer just comes naturally.

Entering the System Entrenched as it is in the bureaucracy of government, navigating the foster care system can leave anyone feeling a little lost. To counteract that confusion, most states have contracted with outside agencies that specialize in offering guidance, training, and support to foster parents.

The Utah Foster Care Foundation (UFCF) is one such agency. For those who are considering becoming foster parents in Utah, contacting UFCF would be the first step. The agency provides an orientation that is designed to give prospective foster parents all the information they need to decide if fostering is right for them. If they choose to move forward with the process, UFCF will walk them through the entire training process, which can be lengthy. While requirements differ by state, Utah mandates 32 hours of training classes as part of the licensing process, and that amount is typical of other states as well. In fact, five-year veteran of foster parenting Stephanie Forsgren, of Mesa, Arizona, said the training and certification process took eight months for her and her husband to complete. The process involved not only many hours of classroom training, but fingerprinting, background checks, applications, and in-home screening interviews as well. It may sound overwhelming, but one major purpose of support agencies like UFCF is to help people get through the whole regimen, step by step.

Support for Families Support for foster parents continues even after the licensing process is complete, and it comes in a variety of forms. From the state, foster parents receive a daily stipend to help offset the cost of caring for the children. The amount is small (perhaps $15-$20 per day), and some states have recently decreased the amount of their stipend, but it does help. Foster children are also provided with health and dental insurance through the state, as well whatever therapeutic services are deemed necessary based on their medical and emotional needs.

Agencies that provide foster care training also provide additional support services as well. Services range widely, from specialized support groups that meet regularly, to programs such as "Wishing Well," a supplementary financial support that is separate from the stipend provided by the state. Funded by private donors, the Wishing Well might, for example, provide financial assistance to a family whose foster child would like to attend science camp. Almost all foster care agencies provide mentors and respite care for foster parents who need a little break.

All of the support programs available to foster parents are a testimony to one fact that is true across the board: every state, and by extension the agencies they contract with, is anxious to find additional families willing to foster. The need is great. In Arizona, for example, there are almost 10,000 children in the foster care system and only about 3,900 licensed foster families. Since many foster children have special needs and require more attention than they could get in a group home setting, the demand for more foster parents is great.

The special needs many foster children have are another consideration for prospective foster parents. More than a few foster children come from backgrounds of abuse and addiction, and their medical and emotional needs can be far greater than those of a child raised in an environment free of those particular challenges. In fact, as part of the licensing and training process, foster parents are asked to set parameters on who they will accept into their home. For example, foster parents can elect to foster only girls, or only children in a certain age group.

Stephanie Forsgren, a foster mom in Arizona, reminds other foster parents that they must be prepared to accept whatever they have agreed to. She recalls her oldest (now adopted) son coming into her home at five months old, drug exposed and going through withdrawal. Indeed, it would be very hard for her to forget how this little one cried all day and night for months on end. "It was the hardest thing we've ever done," Forsgren remembers, "but he was worth it. It wasn't his fault."

The worth of each of these little souls seems to be the common thread linking the sacrifice of foster parents everywhere together. Ask about the rewards of fostering, and you'll hear answers that are surprisingly similar. "Seeing our foster children laughing, being happy and unafraid," was Patti Balluff's greatest reward.

"Seeing those kids thrive and grow and enjoy life and become happy," said Forsgren.

"The connection I make spiritually with these little ones," is what keeps Greg Moore, foster dad in Longview, Washington, going.

Aside from the rewards, everyone has a reason to become a foster parent. For my parents, that reason was two cute little faces they couldn't turn their backs on. The Forsgrens went into foster parenting with the hope of adopting, after a struggle with infertility.

What It Takes First and foremost, preparing your children and yourself for the transient nature of foster care is critical. While some children may stay in your home for months or even years, others will come and go in a matter of weeks or days. The state will return them to their biological family if it is safe and appropriate, or a relative may come forward and offer to care for the child long-term. Whatever the case, saying goodbye is a big part of any foster family's life.

Jeanmarie Moore of Longview, Washington, has found the goodbyes to be the hardest part of fostering for her biological children, especially when the children leaving are babies. Early in the fostering process she realized she needed to come up with a better way to help her children handle these goodbyes. To that end, she and her husband, Greg, created some "transition" activities they could engage in with their children to make the process a little easier. These activities include regular family councils, where the children receive updates on their former foster siblings and participate in decision making. Writing letters is another helpful transition activity. Their children write letters to the baby that is leaving, and those letters are sent on with the baby. The child may not ever get to read the letters, but the process of writing them helps Jeanmarie's children find some closure, and that is the real purpose. Foster parents in general will tell you that when a child leaves, it is a true loss, and real grieving follows.

This fact can give any potential foster parent reason to pause. How does anyone contemplating foster care know if they can handle the job, with all its ups and downs? Patti Balluff sums it up best, "Don't do it unless you love children." A big heart is perhaps the most important, though unspoken, requirement.

Most foster parents, when asked what it takes to be a foster parent, don't really focus on the official checklists. Instead, you'll hear more heartfelt items, like the list compiled by Kris Jacober, a foster parent in Arizona and a Communications Specialist with Arizona's Children Association, a foster care and adoption support agency. She says the six most important qualities a foster parent should demonstrate are a commitment to helping children, good communication skills, flexibility, good parenting skills, training, and most importantly, a sense of humor.

Of course, even if you have the above qualities, the government still insists that potential foster parents to adhere to specific requirements. You will need to demonstrate that you have the financial, physical, and psychological stamina to care for children, no criminal record, and sufficient space in your home for more people. Usually you can be single or married, although sometimes there is a requirement that there be a stay-at-home parent if you are fostering children under the age of five. Despite the great need for foster parents, the safety of the child comes first, and prospective foster parents are scrutinized in great detail during the certification process. This scrutiny includes home interviews and safety checklists that must be followed exactly, such as keeping chemicals and prescriptions under lock and key.

Balancing Family During her first five years of foster parenting, Stephanie Forsgren has felt blessed to have the time for the attention, consistency, and love that foster children require. In that short span, she and her husband have cared for thirty-seven children. However, now that she has adopted three of those children, each with their own need for love and attention, she and her husband are considering taking a break from the foster care system for a while.

That kind of balancing act between caring for your "forever family" and your foster family can be tricky, and it is one concern that puts off a lot of potential foster parents. But the parents who are already living that balancing act stress the positives. Kris Jacober says, "I would tell any parent who has a desire to foster that it is the best experience her [biological] children could have."

Having been raised with a couple of dozen foster siblings myself, I know that despite the challenges, crowded rooms, and inevitable jealousies, the main thing I carried away from the whole experience was a desire to serve. Spending my formative years watching my parents give so much of themselves in sometimes difficult circumstances provided me with an example of service that planted itself in my heart and guides many of my decisions today.

If you are considering becoming a foster parent and already have children at home, a good rule of thumb is to foster children who are younger than your youngest child. This will help short-circuit some of the rivalries or unwanted behavior mimicry that can crop up. The following suggestions may also be helpful:

Keep the same set of rules for all children. This may require some extra work on your part. For example, if you would never let your daughter go to school in a mini-skirt, the same should hold true for your foster daughter as well. That might mean going out and getting your foster daughter some appropriate clothing, because she may not have arrived with any.

Give your foster children a space that is their own. Even if it's just two drawers in a dresser, it may be more than they've had before. Being able to feel like something is theirs, not borrowed from someone else, will help your foster children feel more secure and at home.

Don't be afraid to say no. If a caseworker calls you and has a child to place with a history of behaviors that you know you simply can't tolerate, it is okay to say no. In fact, it is much healthier for the child for you say no upfront than to take the child in for a week or two, realize you can't handle it, and send him or her back to get shuffled through the system again.

Fostering Alternatives Is it possible to help foster children without becoming a foster parent? Absolutely! There are many ways to help. Through your state, you can register and train to be one of the caring individuals who provide the occasional day or evening of child care (called respite care) for full-time foster parents.

Arizona's Children Association actively seeks people to participate in their Life Book program. Life Book volunteers create handmade scrapbook pages that foster and adoptive parents can use to document facts and memories while a child is in their home, providing a valuable sense of belonging for that child. Other ideas include volunteering at one of the family activities that most agencies host, like annual picnic or park days, offering clerical support, or donating money to support foster care programs.

Despite the time commitment of fostering children herself, Jeanmarie Moore has found another fulfilling way to give within the foster care system, and that is by serving as a mentor to mothers whose children have been placed in foster care. Their success can be key to the success of their children. As a mentor, Jeanmarie guides these mothers through a four to six week program designed to teach them the parenting skills they need in order to have their children returned to them. Despite their challenges, Jeanmarie emphasizes that these ladies could be anyone's daughter. While some are perpetuating a cycle of addiction they learned as children, others may have been raised in a home with all the advantages they could hope for, but somewhere along the line they made a wrong turn. She counts cheering these women on and celebrating their progress, even if it is temporary, as one of her greatest joys.

With all the challenges that foster parenting offers, hearing those who have been through it recount the blessings and joys is heartwarming. The adjustments that have to be made, the extra time required, and the coming and going of different children are all hard, and living with the placement decisions made by the courts can be one of the greatest challenges of foster parenting, but in a way that says something completely wonderful about the whole thing. The fact that these children are so hard to give up means that, in the end, they are immensely lovable. And seeing that look of love in a parent's eye is what every child really needs.

A Safe Haven for International Children It only takes about three seconds of watching the news to be reminded of the turmoil that is taking place in our world. And the worst part of it is seeing how these wars, natural disasters, and economic downturns affect children around the globe - leaving many of them homeless and parentless.

The U.S. Office of Refugee Resettlement, which helps place international child refugees with foster families, began its program back in the 1980s when thousands of children from Southeast Asia were suffering from the effects of war. They placed 13,000 children in good homes throughout America, with the help of the United Nations.

More recently, this program helped find homes for 3,800 "Lost Boys" who were helpless in Sudan at the beginning of the 21st century, and in 2008, the U.S. (along with 67 other countries) aided 16,300 child refugees through the help of foster parenting programs. Yet, there are still thousands of refugee children in need of good homes today.

If you are looking to help these suffering children find a better life, there are ways to help. For more details, visit adoptinter.org/refugee-youth.htm or bethany.org.

Ins and Outs of Body Language

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Body language is a fact of life — you use it every day, even if you aren’t aware of what your language is telling others. We'll introduce you to some of the basics of body language, give you tips on how to act in social and home settings, and dispel some of the body language myths that might have you reading others the wrong way.

Body Essentials Eyes. When talking to a person in a formal setting, your eyes should be focused on the upper triangle - the base made by the eyes and the point in the middle of the forehead. Keep in mind that if someone is blinking more often than usual (six to eight blinks per minute), they might unconsciously be trying to block you or your words.

Hands. When using your hands to gesture in conversation, having your palms open and facing up is associated with truth and honesty. It is non-threatening and comes across much better than a palm down sign. As far as handshakes go, it is best to match the other person's grip.

Legs. You might have noticed your leg jigging during a particularly boring meeting. Leg jigging is considered to be the brain attempting to escape from whatever is being experienced. In addition to that, the direction in which the feet are pointing shows where you want to go. Oftentimes, you will turn your body toward someone, but if you don't really want to be with them, your feet will face the door. Depending on the situation, you can use either to your advantage.

Personal space. There are three zones that we should be aware of when we are interacting with people. The intimate zone, which ranges from 6 to 18 inches, is reserved especially for those who are emotionally close to us. The personal zone, 18 to 24 inches, is the space we need at parties and social activities. The social zone, 4 to 12 feet, is how far we naturally stand from strangers and people we don't know very well.

If you move into someone's zone where you aren't welcome, you are bound to make them feel uncomfortable. Coming into someone's intimate zone too quickly can create a bad first impression.

In the Home Knowing body language can help you communicate with your kids. If you want your kids to take out the garbage, ask with your palms facing up - people are far more likely to agree when making this hand gesture. If they continue to disobey, taking a dominant body stance (feet apart, arms folded, making yourself look as big as possible) might change their minds.

Smiling. One communication flaw parents, especially mothers, often do is smiling while disciplining. You might think that this will keep the correction from hurting your children's feelings, but if you smile at your children when chastising them for forgetting to feed the dog, they aren't going to take you seriously. MRI scans have shown that when a person is being smiled at, the brain lights up just as it would if they were receiving a reward.

Detecting a lie. The first step in checking for a lie is seeing something outside the norm. If your child usually talks with his hands in his pockets, and suddenly starts gesturing dramatically, that's a sign that you should be paying attention. People who are lying often show at least some body language alerts, like sweating, sudden movements, minor twitches of muscles, and changes in voice. If you are concerned that your child might be lying to you, confront him or her about it.

Spousal "discussions." Communicating with your spouse through body language can give you an advantage as well. If you are disagreeing about something, don't stand or sit directly in front of your spouse. Position yourself next to him or her at a diagonal angle, since being straight across from someone can seem confrontational. Tilt your head to show you are listening to the other side of the story. When it is your turn to talk, don't be stiff. Use gestures to convey your thoughts - gestures help people think more clearly and cause both parties to understand the words better.

The Social World You might feel a bit uncertain about what to do in a new ward, at a church party, or even just at a friendly gathering:

To appear approachable, women should keep their feet about 6 inches apart, and men should keep theirs about 6 to 10 inches apart. This stance makes you look inviting - legs too close together look timid, and legs too wide apart look intimidating.

If you are coming to an event to make friends, you don't want to sit at a table with your spouse or another couple. That is saying, "This table is our space. Stay out." Instead, lean against the wall, stand by a window or an indoor plant, and make an inviting semi-circle.

Keep in mind that in a social setting, there is always someone who needs to be rescued, whether you are at a party or in Sunday School. When you see someone whose eyes are darting and they look small and uncomfortable, you might want to do them a favor and politely invite them to your conversation.

Body Language Myths

Eye contact. Most people believe that a liar can't look you in the eye. This is untrue. In fact, pathological liars make eye contact better than normal people.
Hand signals. Often, people will put their hands behind their backs to show that they are powerful. Surveys show that people actually find this untrustworthy and suspicious, not powerful.
One signal means everything. Body language can be deceiving. For example, you could be talking with someone and she could wrinkle her forehead, which makes it seem like she is upset with you over something you've said. On the contrary, she might have just remembered that she left the garage door up or the front door unlocked - situations that have nothing to do with you. This is why you need to look for clusters - groups of body language signals that indicate a feeling.
The 7/38/55 rule. Many people have said that 55 percent of communication is body language, 33 percent is tone of voice, and only 7 percent relates to the actual words. If this were completely true, we should be able to understand what people are saying even when speaking in a different language, since 93 percent is based on body language and voice tones. These figures only correlate to a situation in which you are forming an attitude about someone. Body language and tone of voice are what we use to assess whether or not we like the person delivering the message.

Ward of Difference: Graveyard Shift

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Sarah Montgomery
source: MormonLife.com

When Hurricane Katrina tore through the South, both the living and the dead were impacted. The flooding and winds caused many cemeteries' above-ground vaults to become damaged and dislodged. Though cranes returned displaced tombs to their respective cemeteries shortly after the hurricane hit, many of the tombs were left cracked and in desperate need of repainting.

"It's been five years since Katrina, and there's still a lot of work that needs to be done," says New Orleans 1st Ward member Sarah Broussard. "If my family were buried there, I would have been very sad to see their resting place in such disarray."

On a stake-wide day of service this April, Broussard and her ward partnered with local volunteers in the ongoing effort to restore the Merrick Cemetery. Twenty-nine ward members spent the day removing old paint from damaged vaults with wire brushes. Once the paint had been taken off, the tombs were given a fresh coat of whitewash.

"In two and a half hours, we brushed twenty-two graves and painted nineteen!" says Americorps representative Autumn Dean, who helped with the project. "The group worked very hard and did a great job. I'd be privileged to work with them again."

"The volunteers in charge told us we'd done an excellent job and that we'd done twice the amount of tombs that a normal group does," adds Broussard.

But it wasn't just the community that benefited from the project - the volunteers did as well. "We experienced what almost all service projects achieve - and that is an increased bond of fellowship," says Bishop Terry Seamons. "As you well know, any time we engage in the service of others, our lives are altered for the good."

And though there is still much to be done at the Merrick Cemetery, the day of service did a great deal to help. Community member Roy Douglas came to the cemetery on the day of service and was delighted to find the ward members whitewashing one of his own family's tombs. Of the cemetery, he says, "It's coming back."

He expressed his gratitude for the ward's service, speaking for countless others whose departed family members were served that day: "Y'all made a difference by coming here. It was a blessing. Y'all made a difference."

Are You Listening?

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kedrik Hamblin
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Where were you when those famously tragic words brought your attention crashing back? Maybe you were on a date, chatting on the phone, sitting in an important business meeting, or perhaps staring straight into the eyes of the one you love when you were asked, “Weren’t you listening?” Well, weren’t you? Listening is a vital part of all relationships; it is the bridge of true understanding between people. In reverse, when it is absent, misunderstanding prevails and people don't relate to one another.

"The need to be paid attention to and appreciated is one of the deepest needs in human nature, and unfortunately for many people, much of the time, that need is frustrated," says Dr. Michael P. Nichols, a professor of psychology at the College of William and Mary.

Studies show that great listeners have better relationships and are perceived as more helpful. Employees mention good listening skills among the top qualities of a boss. Perhaps most importantly, when you listen, people are more willing to listen to you.

This oft-overlooked skill is crucial to our lives, but consider this: you were taught how to read, write, even to speak, but did anyone ever teach you how to listen?

Nichols, who has authored several books on listening, says most people aren't taught how to listen. "It's thought to be something that happens automatically and it's thought to be something that's easy," he says. Most listening that is taught is active listening, in which a person learns to repeat the information heard. While that may be useful in education settings, simply remembering what someone said isn't the factor of listening that helps a person relate to others.

What It Really Involves "What distinguishes good listening is a sincere intention to try to understand what the other person wants to say," says Nichols. "You don't achieve that with any kind of little formula. You don't achieve that by parroting back exactly what was said."

One of the key words for listening is empathy. Empathy means to understand and be sensitive to another. A person who is empathetic isn't passive, but they are truly trying to gain meaning from the other person. If a listener is not empathetic, not interested in the speaker, he or she will not be able to focus as well. They may be hearing, but they aren't listening.

As listeners, we have to maintain an open and curious mind. Listening fails when we aren't open to what a person is saying. Close-minded people often protest anything against their views, thus eliminating further listening.

You don't need to remember everything a person is saying. Sometimes you need to listen to the essence of what a person is saying, the main idea. This is especially important if the person is talking about emotions. What is the emotion and what does it stem from?

Barriers to Listening Most of us aren't aware of our habits and patterns that prohibit true listening. Becoming aware of these habits can better help us improve our listening.

The first major barrier to listening is that "most of us are waiting for our turn and we don't wait very long," Nichols says. We tend to be self-centered and can't wait to add our own comments to the conversation.

This may happen partly because we believe those speaking have more power than those listening. This may be true part of the time, but an individual that speaks only will never understand others. John Marshall, a prominent political figure in early American history, once said, "To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well."

The second major barrier is reacting emotionally to what the speaker is saying. When listening, things can be said that ignite ideas, feelings, and opinions in us. This can happen in many ways.

For instance, when a loved one telling us about pain they are experiencing, it is difficult for us to simply let them talk. Most people want to give advice or do something to ease the pain. But many times, the person just wants someone to listen.

In other instances, people say things we don't agree with and we interrupt with our opinions, which we often give strongly - and the arguing starts. Controlling our emotions will help us focus on the speaker and avoid quarreling, and maybe even come to a new - and better - idea.

In essence, to become better listeners, we have to forget ourselves.

People Who Have a Hard Time Listening Some may have had experiences that led them to not listen as well. Also, occupying certain roles at work, in the home, or elsewhere, may place stress on a person to accomplish an intended goal and not necessarily focus on others. Families are the classic example. Although children are frequently portrayed as the culprits of poor listening, parents are often just as guilty.

"Parents want to make their kids' lives work out for them, want them to be happy and successful, want them to do what they're told," Nichols says. "So, all of that makes it hard for parents to let go of the reins of the relationship, because listening involves quite a bit of surrender. It's very difficult. A good listener has to say, 'Okay, you drive. I'll just sit here.' Parents have trouble doing that with kids."

Husbands and wives also have a hard time listening to each other, in part, for some of the same reasons. Listening will work best when one spouse sacrifices his or her control. "In a relationship where one party is a good listener, the other person begins to feel appreciated and understood, begins to open up more, and is then more likely to be in a position to be willing and likely to listen to the other person."

When to Listen You may be able to listen anytime, but everyone is a better listener when they're wide awake, not hungry, and not in a hurry. For meetings and other important conversations, suggest a time and a location that will allow you to concentrate on those to whom you are listening.

As a listener, you may run into difficulties. If a person finds someone willing to listen to them, they may rely too much on that person. You can always listen for a few minutes and then politely acknowledge the need to return to what you were doing before.

Even though true listening is important, Nichols suggests that it be used judiciously. "Listening takes work, and you should save it for relationships that count."

Listening is a skill, but it isn't rocket science. Anyone can learn to be a good listener.

The next time you find yourself in a position to listen, remember, you have one mouth, but you have two ears. Sit back, forget yourself, and engage with the other person. Then, instead of being questioned on your listening abilities, you might get something like, "Thank you for listening."

Perfect Packing

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by LDS Living Staff
source: MormonLife.com

Tired of arriving at your destination and finding that you forgot to bring some important items, and the clothes you did bring were wrinkled? Here are some quick tips for getting the job done right:

Before you go, make a list of what you are doing on the trip, and write down what kinds of clothes you are going to need. Try to pack items that could double for different outfits, such as a shirt that can both work for church (worn with a skirt) and out for a nice dinner (worn with jeans or dress pants).
Pants, skirts, and jackets should be folded neatly and put in the bottom of the suitcase.
More wrinkle-resistant clothes, like jeans and T-shirts, should be rolled and put on top of folded clothes. Socks should also be rolled.
Cotton shirts and blazers should be folded and placed on top of rolled clothes.
Belts can be lined around the edge of the bag.
Choose your shoes with caution. If possible, limit yourself to three pairs: one for casual wear, one for more hardy activities, and a dress shoe for church and fancy outings.

10 Phrases that Prevent Arguments

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Claire Thornock Brazelton
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: How many times have you tried to offer someone advice, asked for help, or simply began a friendly conversation, only to have the interaction turn into an argument neither of you anticipated? Here are ten phrases to help keep everyone comfortable. Many contentions between family, friends, and coworkers occur because of a little-understood aspect of social IQ: using language that prevents conflicts. By watching what you say and approaching a conversation at a different angle, you have the power to keep the peace between yourself and those you interact with every day.

Elizabeth Fawcett, a family therapist and a professor of marriage enhancement at Brigham Young University, says that lack of positive or nice communication is one of the reasons contentions arise in marriage and in general. "I have talked to many married couples who feel that their spouse's heart is really in the right place when they talk, but they are saying things to them in a way that is hurtful," she says.

Speaking in an offensive way, Fawcett believes, is a key trigger that brings contention into a conversation, which causes listening on either side to decrease and communication to come to a halt. "If you speak in an offensive way, it makes the other person defensive. . . . They perceive that they are under attack and then proceed to shut down," she says. "When we find ourselves in that mode, we are not capable of hearing what is being said."

Fawcett believes that good communication is a reflection of the receiver. "It's not what we say that makes good communication, it's what we are hearing from the things that are said to us, and if we can't understand what is being said, that is when the problem occurs."

To help conversations avoid the evolution to argument, Fawcett suggests using these phrases the next time you are the sender or receiver in a discussion. You might be surprised how these phrases keep the peace and harmony between you and your spouse, friends, or colleagues.

1. "This is what I am hearing you say; is it what you are trying to tell me?" When you feel that you don't fully understand what is being said, repeat back in your words what you think the other person is saying. Stating things the way you are hearing them allows the speaker to rethink what he or she is saying and put it in different words that make it easier for you to understand.

2. "I have an opinion about this; are you interested in hearing it?" When listening to a spouse's or friend's problems, you may want to give your opinion on the situation. Always ask first if it is wanted. Half the time, people just want to vent, and if you interrupt and try to fix something, it may cause contention. By asking, it shows that you are really trying to help the situation. This phrase works especially well with children and teenagers.

3. "Let's just put that book on the shelf for now." Subjects discussed over and over again between spouses or colleagues can often cause tempers to flare. Setting the subject aside for a time allows nerves to calm and the conversation to stay positive. This phrase can be helpful for keeping the peace until a time when both sides can come back to the conversation ready to speak calmly about it.

4. "I need some help. Would you be willing to help me?" Some arguments start because family members or coworkers don't carry their share of responsibility. Instead of accusing the person of being lazy and rude, be assertive and ask for help - and be specific. "I need your help. If you wash the dishes, I will load them in the dishwasher." Say it in a friendly way, and don't be overly demanding.

5. "I am not trying to bring up any problems from the past, but . . . " It's hard to keep the peace between you and a spouse if you are constantly bringing up faults from the past. Don't bring them up unless you absolutely have to. Reassure your spouse, if you must talk about it, that you are not trying to rehash past injuries, but that this topic is important to you, and you feel you should discuss it.

6. "I need to talk. When is a good time for you?" Whenever you want the full attention of someone while you're speaking, scheduling a time to talk is often the best option. Between spouses, it's best to choose a time other than when your husband is watching the big game or your wife is on the phone with a friend. Finding time that fits both of your schedules allows for a more meaningful conversation and the avoidance of an argument. Your boss or coworkers will also appreciate this phrase.

7. "I am sorry you are upset." Oftentimes if friends or family don't take the advice you gave them, they still come back to complain about their situation. Instead of saying "I told you so," try to understand why your advice wasn't taken and really listen to the problem. By making a rude remark and rubbing in that your advice was best, you may start an argument, or worse, lose the trust of that person.

8. "I think you already know my opinion about this, but I can listen." If a friend always finds herself in the same problem and you have already given her your opinion multiple times, set a clear boundary. Tell her that you are willing to listen to the problem, but that she already knows your opinion; tell her if she hasn't liked your opinion so far, you might not be the right person to get advice from on this issue.

9. "Well, I have a different opinion about this subject, but thanks for yours." Most contention occurs because two people disagree. The goal in this situation is to be polite and end the conversation. Find a balance between the "me and you" factor in the conversation, and admit to having a different opinion but thank someone for theirs.

10. "I agree to disagree, and let's leave it at that." If you know that you are never going to see eye to eye with someone about a specific topic during a conversation, just agree to disagree and let the conversation end. It's not worth the time or energy to contend with someone about something when you know neither of you is going to change your mind about it.

Communication is perhaps the most vital element in any relationship. "The most important thing [in avoiding] arguments in communication is to slow down the process, try to hear what someone is saying, and express how we truly feel," Fawcett says. Making the effort to improve communication and prevent contention can allow us to see the other person more clearly and respect their opinions and individuality.

Peace in the Backseat

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Joseph Walker
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: It wasn't like my sister Kathy and I didn't have entertainment choices when we went on long trips in the backseat of Dad's Impala back in the day. We could listen to AM radio, which pretty much meant Mantovani or static (sometimes it was difficult for my rock-n-roll-lovin' ears to tell the difference). Or we could race drops of sweat down the Naugahyde upholstery. Or we could play a game called "Beaver," during which you searched oncoming lanes of traffic for Volkswagens, and the first person to see one coming shouted out "Beaver!"

You may ask: why did we shout out "Beaver!" instead of, say, "Beetle" - or even "Farfegnugen"? I have no idea. Ask Kathy. It was her dumb game.

Or we could play "The Alphabet Game." This game required that you know the letters of the alphabet, and that you spot them - in their proper order - on signs and billboards as you drove past. This game had two variations. The first required that the letter be the first letter of the word on the sign. The second allowed the letter to be anywhere within the word. We usually started out playing by the first set of rules, but always shifted to the second set of rules about the time we got to the letter "Q." This game was usually won by whoever was close to the end of the alphabet by the time we got to the exit for Zzyzx Road in Southern California.

It's difficult to imagine more fun entertainment choices than those, isn't it? Unless, of course, you throw in an occasional outbreak of hostilities when "Beaver!" is shouted by two alarmingly similar adolescent voices simultaneously, followed by Dad's threatened "Don't make me turn this car around" and a quick retreat to our respective corners of the backseat.

Oh, yeah. We really knew how to travel back in the day.

And yet, there we were last week, zipping across the American western desert with nary a "Beaver" to be heard from the backseat. Instead, our teenager, Beth and Jon, sat in contented, air conditioned silence, blissfully unaware of the sand and sagebrush as we rolled through it. Beth was accessing the internet on her laptop computer—don't ask me how—while engaging in cell phone text messaging with friends back home. Jon was watching cartoons on a portable DVD player. And Anita and I were enjoying the latest Michael Buble CD on our car's stereo and wondering if we could trust the authenticity of a Mexican food establishment called the Kan Kun.

When we drove past Zzyzx Road nobody noticed. Or cared.

Except me. I began to worry that we were missing something—that perhaps technology was eliminating some of the important bonding moments of family travel, turning a shared experience into an exercise in motorized narcissism.

"Hey, guys!" I sang out to my children in the backseat. "Let's play Beaver!"

"I don't think they can hear you," Anita said. "They're both wearing earphones."

"But shouldn't we . . . you know . . . interact or something?" I wondered.

"Oh, I think there's plenty of interaction," Anita said. "And we'll be doing nothing but interacting when we get there. Meanwhile, they're happy."

I glanced at them in the rear-view mirror. It was true: they were both wired for sound - and smiling. There was peace in the backseat, and that had to be worth something, didn't it?

So I'll continue to treasure memories of family trips back in the day - the sweating, the alphabet, the Mantovani. But that doesn't mean I can't also embrace a new and - okay, I'll say it - improved way of doing things today. Like they say, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Not to mention an old Beaver.

Heroes at Heart

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kate Ensign-Lewis
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Each day regular people around the world wake up, wrangle kids, deal with the stresses of life, and go to bed again. But every once in a while, an otherwise typical person puts on an invisible cape and goes to work giving back to the rest of the human family. These are the stories of five such ordinary people - business owners, homemakers, public servants - who also happen to be doing extraordinary things.

These heroes, like most others, do not have x-ray vision or superhuman strength. They're busy people like the rest of us. They come from all different walks of life. In fact, the most common thing among them is they don't believe they’re anything special - they are just trying to serve the best way they know how.

Succoring Children in Poverty Naranjargal Thompson, Age 37 Homemaker Highlands Ranch, Colorado Falcon Park Ward

During the harsh winters in Mongolia's capital city of Ulaanbaatar, when the temperature regularly drops below -10° F, you're likely to see several children running around in rags. If you opened the sewer grates, you'd find hundreds more - huddled against the pipes in order to keep from freezing. Some of them choose life on the streets to escape abuse and neglect; some are the lost children of nomads, unable to find their families. All of them live with nearly no food and even less tenderness. These are some of the five thousand abandoned street children of Ulaanbaatar, the children Naranjargal (Nara) Thompson strives to help.

"I've worked with them and I've seen their suffering. And then also I've seen resilience. It's just amazing how those children - abandoned, surviving by prostituting and begging - can turn around and smile and be happy," says Nara, her voice full of tenderness. "This is what God is. It's about loving, forgiving, touching, serving."

Her name means "joyful sun" in Mongolian, and a pleasant warmth certainly radiates from this passionate mother of three. "I feel like the things that I have are just too much," she says, "so I should give more, and I should think of others more. If I do not show my love, what is it to me?"

Nara started her "projects" after joining the Church and leaving Mongolia to attend BYU. Following the example her mother had given, Nara found ways to serve the less fortunate, eventually settling on helping children. Her projects got bigger and bigger, until she merged them into Care 4 Kids Worldwide (care4kidsworldwide.org), her foundation. When she's not caring for her three boys, volunteering at their school, or serving in Primary, Nara divides her remaining time among ill children in America, orphans in Ukraine, and street children in Mongolia. But it is with the children in her homeland that Nara's heart most resides.

"Words cannot describe their destitution," she says, explaining that around 90 percent of them are sexually abused and live with disease of some sort. Because they are not technically orphans, these children do not qualify for government aid. And yet, despite being used and rejected, she continually sees their boundless love. For example, when Nara brought food and clothing last August, one four-year-old boy, who accidentally received a clothing package for an older child, refused to let Nara exchange it for clothes that fit - he planned on giving them to his mother when she "found" him. "When we see them suffer, we want to blame - their parents, the government," says Nara. "But they don't! They just shine through."

For now, Nara has found a station where about 60 children can stay and receive food. The ultimate goal is education, but basic needs must first be met - and she relies heavily on others to meet these needs. Valentina Anderson, co-founder of Care 4 Kids and Nara's "right arm," is a particular help to her, as are her supportive husband, parents, and in-laws. "It really boils down to all my friends and family and neighbors - and people I meet on the plane," she says. "It's nothing to do with me; I just know how kids live in poverty and they need things. Even in the United States - it might not be poverty we speak of in Mongolia or Russia, but it could be poverty of loneliness or incurable disease."

"I'm not trying to be an example to others," she continues. "I can't; I have my own faults. I'm just trying to live the gospel so that my children can see it and remember it. I'm an ordinary mother of three young children that loves the gospel and feels fulfilled to serve."

Uplifting Youth with Disabilities Trey Sexton, Age 17 Student Knoxville, Tennessee Farragut Ward

He learned the lesson at just 5 years old: people with disabilities may act differently than others, but that's where the difference ends. Asked by his kindergarten teacher to keep an eye on a classmate with Down syndrome, Trey Sexton played with the boy. "At first he definitely seemed a little different, but getting to know him, he was just a little kid like me."

This memory stirred nearly nine years later when Trey was at a University of Tennessee basketball game with his dad. When a group of people with various disabilities played basketball at halftime, twenty thousand people cheering them on, Trey said to his dad, "I want to do something like this for my Eagle project."

The project, Hoops for Hope, turned out to be more involved than expected. Trey wanted to provide a unique day during which children with Down syndrome would play basketball with their heroes on the UT basketball teams.

Gradually Trey recruited the support he needed. The first people to get on board were Bruce Pearl, head coach for the men's team, and Ken Johnson, director of operations, who were both eager to make the project a success. Trey also worked closely with Kelly Brickey, executive director for the Down Syndrome Awareness Group of East Tennessee. "I was most impressed by the fact that Trey came up with this idea on his own," Kelly says. "We get a lot from people with siblings or family members with Down syndrome, but he didn't personally know anybody with Down syndrome."

Trey also recruited sponsors to set up a scholarship for children with Down syndrome in the Knoxville area, through which the kids could participate in sports and dance programs. Through local businesses and radio stations, Trey was able to raise $10,000.

More than a few times, his dad recalls, "he was told that there was no way he could pull this off; he was just a thirteen-year-old kid." The Boy Scouts of America even initially rejected the plan, saying it was too complex for such a young boy. And yet Trey pulled it off spectacularly.

A wave of appreciative letters, e-mails, and phone calls came in; families said it was one of the best experiences they'd ever had with their children and begged for the opportunity to participate again. "I'd already been thinking it would be cool to try and do again," says Trey. "After getting all that, I knew it could be awesome for them." With commitments from the coaches to keep it an annual event as long as they had the say-so, Trey committed to do it again. The second Hoops for Hope event took place in 2009, with $6,000 raised for the sports scholarship.

Trey will continue to organize Hoops for Hope (hoopsforhopetn.org) until he goes on his mission, at which point his younger sister will take over. He also hopes to introduce the program in the Provo area when he attends BYU, and he'll participate in Tennessee as often as he can. It's just not something he can let go. "Having done this the last two years, any doubt I could have had that people with Down syndrome were different is just gone. They just have so much love to give if you're just willing to be their friend."

The next Hoops for Hope event is set for August 21, 2010.

(Re)Building Smiles Kelly Lineback, Age 47 Dentist Olathe, Kansas Stanley Ward

Teenagers with missing permanent teeth are commonplace on the Caribbean island of Roatan. Its prevalence doesn't make the situation any easier for natives, socially or professionally. It was to this reality that Kelly Lineback first visited the island, hoping to use her dental training to help Roatan islanders.

The vision started with Diana Demke, a friend of Kelly's who lives part-time on the island and always looks for ways to help the branch in Coxen Hole. Diana illustrated the situation for Kelly; together, and with the help of a local woman Kelly knows simply as Nurse Peggy, they were able to arrange for Kelly to come down and do dentistry.

That first year, 2005, it was just Kelly, her family, and the Demkes serving from 7 A.M. to 11 P.M. and stopping for only a few hours in the afternoon. "We were exhausted," says Kelly. It was evident that there were problems just one dentist couldn't address in a month's time, let alone a week, so Kelly set to work sharing her vision with others.

Kelly returned to Roatan with three more people in 2006, including her nephew, who distributed hygiene kits for his Eagle Scout. In her third year, 2008, she brought two more dentists, Sloan Jorgensen and Jacob Laudie, one hygienist, and another Eagle Scout family. This year the project had five dentists, two hygienists, and two Eagle Scouts.

Over the years, other helpers have included the missionaries, who keep the medical records; branch members, who clean the equipment, and the Millsap family, who arranges for everyone on the trip to have a complimentary stay at their resort, Banarama.

The difference just a few years have made is astounding. "You get these kids coming in with their four front teeth completely rotted," says Diana, "and [Kelly] fills those and does beautiful composites, and these kids are thrilled! They have smiles again."

Having just completed a very successful fourth trip in last month, Kelly is hopeful for the future. In past years, "it was almost pick-and-choose with patients. They might have ten things you can do, but we might only choose three, because there's still forty people in line," she says. But this year, with so many professionals, they were able to help hundreds more.

It just goes to show, Kelly says, that "you don't have to be in this big organized group that goes through a humanitarian organization. If you have the desire, you can make a lot of difference on your own."

Strengthening Iraqi Families Joan and Fareed Betros Producer, retired colonel and business developer Greenville, South Carolina Simpsonville Ward

In 2003, Joan Betros took a job to help Iraqi women improve women's and children's television programming. After all, it would give her a rare opportunity to be in the same place as her husband, Fareed, while he was on active duty in the military.

But during one meeting with the women, her real purpose in Iraq became evident. Joan spoke with a woman named Siham about the potential of Iraqi women to heal the nation; Siham just wished they could be more organized. "Madame Betros," she said, "you seem to be organized. Do you have an organizational model we could use?" The question stirred years of memories in which Joan, a long-time visiting teacher, had learned families' needs and given service. She put Siham's hand on her heart and told her she did indeed have a model; if she had permission to share it, she would make sure the women understood it.

"I felt as though I went into Iraq for a professional course," Joan says, "but I came out with a totally different attitude of what I was really there for."

And so, in 2005, Joan and Fareed founded Women for FUTURE (Families United Toward Universal Respect, womenforfuture.org) with a guiding light from Siham: "To heal our nation, you must heal our families, and the women are the key." Using modified versions of the visiting teaching and family home evening models (called "family guide program" and "family unity gatherings," respectively), FUTURE has taught women methods for uplifting the war-torn country from the inside out; after the visits, they report back to supervisors on what families need most - from basic aid to education.

These women have also gotten to participate in FUTURE's Hugs for Healing, which allows Gold Star Mothers (American mothers who have lost a child in the service) to meet with Iraqi women and interact as mothers. "I've found that when women get together and do that, it crosses all borders," says Joan.

The women of Iraq are, little by little, reaching out more into their communities. Some of the biggest changes are those that have happened inside the heart. Fareed says one of the biggest breakthroughs was Sunni, Shiite, and Kurdish women starting to work together. The women are also realizing, he says, "West can meet East - we can learn from them and they can learn from us. We're not there to change them; we're there to help them grow, and honestly, we grow right along with them."

"We're just facilitators with a vision," says Joan. "I'm hoping that we will be there to build the tapestry of the family back together again; that these incredible, powerful women will be able to use their talents, their intellects, their service-oriented natures to make that a better place to live and heal the nation."

--- Shortened from the original version, featured in LDS Living's July/August 2010 issue. Click here to learn more about all the people and causes we featured.

Reinventing Laie

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jena Peterson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: The presence of the Church in the Pacific centers around a powerful trifecta: The Laie Temple, Brigham Young University – Hawaii, and the Polynesian Cultural Center. For the locals it’s a place to worship, for youth it’s a place to gain an education, and for a worldwide audience, the students have a phenomenal opportunity to share the mission of the Church. During any given semester, more than sixty countries are represented in Laie. Students arrive from as far as Cambodia and the Ukraine to join the Polynesian population that has come to work and go to school. For students from areas where education is unavailable or unaffordable, the set-up in Laie is ideal: they are able to pay for tuition, books, room, and board by working at the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC).

Every year, more than 700 BYU-Hawaii students supplement their educational expenses by working at the PCC. Since the Center opened in October 1963, nearly 17,000 students have worked there, amassing over $171 million in total financial support.

The Center gives students a variety of work assignments that strengthen their educational objectives and they are able to hone their English language skills by interacting with thousands of visitors each working day.

Recently the trifecta has undergone some significant changes. The temple received a renovation and the night show at the PCC, the highlight of the Center's productions, was completely reinvented. Each project went forward with some very important goals in mind: to help proclaim the gospel and redeem the dead.

A Temple Overhaul In 2008, the 89-year-old temple closed its doors for a needed renovation. Quoting from a letter from the First Presidency dated September 22, 2008 announcing the closing of the temple, "This is necessary to return the Temple to its original beauty, and to bring it up to current Temple standards."

There have been three additional upgrades over the last 50 years: a new finish was added to the outside in the 1960s, the north and south wings and audiovisual in the 70s, and an elevator in the 80s.

For the renovation beginning in 2008, the temple underwent a refurbishment that included all new finishes with the exception of the historic murals, improved handicap accessibility, a replacement of the roofing system and exterior windows, removal and repainting of the exterior, repairing of concrete details, a new front entrance and lobby, replacement of the baptismal font and a new baptistry entrance, all new mechanical, electrical and audiovisual systems, an expansion of the fire sprinkler system to the entire building, seismic upgrades, new exterior lighting and handrails, all new carpet and stonework, and new lockers and furnishings. The exterior look of the temple remained essentially the same.

What has not been affected is the structural integrity of the building, a product of the temple's token miracle. A favorite local story tells of this miracle - when the original temple builders received exactly what they needed at a crucial time in the building of the temple. In the early 1900s, construction on the temple halted when lumber ran short. The contractor, Ralph Wooley, said some prayers and two days later, a freight ship got caught in a severe storm and stranded on a nearby coral reef. The ship's captain thought that if he could unload the cargo, the ship would float off the reef. He told the Saints they could keep his cargo if they would help him unload what turned out to be enough wood to complete the temple.

The wood became the formwork for the concrete that made up the floors, ceilings, walls, and roof. For the concrete, the Saints used native crushed lava rock and coral, and reinforced it with steel. Wood was only used in the millwork, so while there was some termite damage, it was minimal - the structural integrity of the building has stayed intact.

"It is always interesting to perform a remodel on a 90-year-old building," said John Stoddard, project manager for the Temple and Special Projects department of the Church. "Considerable time was spent beforehand reviewing archive photos and reading material to capture the historical feel of the Temple."

Workers have uncovered various items including what they believe is an original 1918 light bulb, a concrete trowel that was buried in the old baptismal font concrete, and an old ink well bottle.

"There is a sense of reverence in working on a building of such history that makes you feel a very real part of those who sacrificed for its original construction," said Stoddard. "Then there is the awesome responsibility of just working on a Temple where you know it will be a major blessing to those who will use it for years to come."

The men overseeing the renovation wanted the remodeling to bless temple patrons. "We know that Temples are to be held to a higher standard than regular meeting houses and the Laie Temple fell short of that over the years," said Stoddard. "Finishes just get old. With this renovation, that standard will be returned and those patrons to attend the temple will surely be able to recognize that this is the House of the Lord."

The Church announced an open house for the temple between Friday, 22 October 2010, until Saturday, 13 November 2010, excluding Sundays. The temple will be dedicated in three session on Sunday, 21 November 2010.

A New Horizon Another remodeling last year took Hawaii by surprise. After running for 14 years, the night show "Horizons: Where the Sea Meets the Sky" retired and "Ha: Breath of Life" took the stage. The very nature of the new show was so different from anything the PCC had done before that fans and former dancers got very nervous.

First off, the night show had always been only a dance show, never a play. "We're dancers, not actors," some of the students said, laughing at themselves. Horizons had been working flawlessly and there wasn't an apparent need to change - certainly not to a discipline in which they had no experience.

But when producers began to envision a new night show, they wanted something that would tell more of a story than the traditional night show. Delsa Moe, producer for "Ha: Breath of Life" and former assistant director for "Horizons," said they started with four goals.

First, the show had to be different from anything in Hawaii. Second, the new show had to be something that would bring audiences back. Third, the cultural values of each nation represented had to be evident. And fourth, the production needed to be an avenue for sharing the gospel, but gently.

"The way to make it different was to leave them with something more than cultural information. People would want to come back if they left wanting to be better than they are," Moe said. "We had to figure out a way for that to happen."

The producers brought in David Warner, recommended because of his success with the Nauvoo Pageant and Salt Lake City's "Light of the World" production. He set them to work identifying the core values of each of the six cultures. The PCC represents the Hawaiian, Samoan, Tongan, Maori, Fijian, and Tahitian cultures, and each one comes with its own traditions and customs.

"A lot of fasting and prayer and temple attendance went into it," Moe said. After three days laying out the values of each culture, a plot started to form and a story popped out.

"It's a very predictable story, but surprising in its universal appeal," Moe said. The story follows the life of a boy, Mana, from the time he is born to the birth of his own son. "The truths resonate with every person. A worldwide audience relates emotionally right away, but it's new because it's Polynesian."

Each Polynesian culture uses their history, legends, and customs to portray a scene in the story, and the plot moves from island to island. The team worked to form each scene with dance from the islands, but it was so new, they weren't sure if it would work.

"We knew it was the right approach, but we didn't know how to deliver it," Moe said. "Then, just at the moments when we were discouraged, we'd be in rehearsal and someone would tear up. That's what kept us going."

After one section was ready, the producers tested it. They dropped the scene in the middle of the existing Horizons show and waited for the reaction. "The response was incredible. The audience loved the new scenes." And because the doctrine of the family and eternal life are woven seamlessly into the storyline, the performance was able to share gospel principles without preaching.

In one response, a man said, "For the first time ever, my wife and I talked about how we could be better parents for our two kids."

Missionary Tools at Work The experience people have watching the night show is just one of the many gentle examples they see at the PCC. The Center is made up of villages representing Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, Hawaii, Aotearoa, and Tahiti. Two-thirds of the 1100-person staff is made up of students from BYU-Hawaii. They work in a number of positions, hosting guests and demonstrating aspects of their culture.

The students know their important role and revel in the opportunity to be examples. "I love how I get to interact with others," said Michael An Chong, a student from Samoa. "We have people come from all over the world, and I get to show them my heritage."

One of Michael's favorite jobs has been as a tour guide. "My role is to make them happy, and at the end of the tour I ask them how their day was, and every now and then they say, 'I feel something different here.'"

That "something different" often leads guests to a tour of the Laie Temple Visitors' Center. The PCC offers a free shuttle and tour guide to interested guests and is the temple's largest source of visitors, hosting over 900,000 since 1990. The Visitors' Center has sent over 44,000 referrals from these tours to missionaries across the world.

The PCC also helps to produce another asset for missionary work: stellar missionaries. "I can't even count the number of calls and e-mails I've had from mission presidents who say that some of the very best missionaries they have in their missions are students from BYU-Hawaii who have worked at the PCC," says Von Orgill, president of the PCC. "Interacting with people has become so natural for them that being a missionary is second nature. They make friends in an instant."

Whenever possible, President Orgill makes it a point to enhance students' work experience with training related to the field they are studying. "Everything in this community is about them," he says. "The Lord brings them here in preparation for what they’re going to do in the future. It's marvelous to see who is here at the right time."

Many students have the opportunity to work in areas of the PCC that are directly related to their major, such as accounting or management.

"In all cases, the students are applying the concepts and theories that they learn in the classroom on the job here," says President Orgill, "so it really is preparing them for the work they will do in the world as well as their roles as leaders in the Church and their communities."

That work was envisioned by President David O. McKay. In 1955, he stated, "From this school, I'll tell you, will go men and women whose influence will be felt for good towards the establishment of peace internationally."

Visitors' responses demonstrate that the fulfillment of the prophecy is on track. After visiting the PCC, a former ambassador to the U.S. said, "The spirit of love, the spirit of mutual understanding, the spirit of living in harmony and peace - this is something I think the Polynesian Cultural Center is now clearly manifesting, and the effect of that impact will go far beyond the Center itself."

With over one thousand dignitaries visiting the PCC every year, the influence the students have is reaching the world in a powerful way.

"The relationship between the Cultural Center and University is a unique relationship which gives us a very good idea on how to direct our culture and learning in the future," the former Chinese Vice Minister for Minority Affairs said. "Of all my impressions, the most important part is the religious freedom that exists here. We must learn from this. Hopefully, this will be brought back to our country."

--- Rebuilding Rooms Another significant project in Laie is the prospect of a new hotel. The 49-room Laie Inn, at 45 years old, had been scaring off patrons for the last 15 years, namely, the first presidency. During one of President Gordon B. Hinckley's stays, he actually caught a rat in his room.

The new hotel will accommodate not only guests of the Laie Hawaii Temple, the PCC, and families of BYU-Hawaii students, but will also serve as a hands-on classroom for students majoring in hospitality and tourism. The hotel, which will most likely be a Marriott, will work with the university's business school. Nothing official is signed just yet, and the hotel won't be breaking ground for about another year, but Michael Johanson, director of communications for the university, says the prospects could mean a tremendous opportunity for students.

"There will be coordination and a strong academic connection with the new hotel and our hospitality and tourism management program," Johanson says. "It will give real-life industry experience here on a very popular Oahu tourist location."

The Laie Inn was razed in November 2009. Plans for the new hotel call for 228 rooms and will sit on the site of the former Laie Inn, likely displacing the adjacent gas station and McDonald's restaurant.

Where to Stay In the meantime, the closest property for guests is the Turtle Bay Resort, a seven-minute drive north of Laie. In addition to guest rooms and suites, beach cottages and ocean villas comfortably accommodate families. The resort features golf packages, surfing lessons, horseback riding excursions, and spa treatments at the Spa Luana.

Hope Rising

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Lawson
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: A family tragedy would lead this ordinary housewife down an unexpected path—one that would bring hope and healing to thousands of people half a world away.

Ten years ago Becky Douglas's life changed forever.

Her oldest daughter, Amber, lost her battle with bipolar disorder and took her own life while away at college. As a grieving Douglas sorted through her daughter's belongings, she discovered that Amber had been sending money to India to support an orphan. "I think because she suffered so much she had a real soft spot for others who suffered," Douglas recalls.

In lieu of flowers, the family asked that donations be made to the orphanage; so much money was collected that Douglas was asked to serve on the orphanage's board of directors. "I decided I'd better go to India to see first-hand what was going on," she says.

During her visit, Douglas found the orphanage to be clean and the children well cared for. "They actually had a lot by Indian standards," she says. But while driving through the city of Chennai, between the orphanage and her hotel, she was struck by the intense suffering of the beggars who assailed her car at every stop. Dirty and deformed, some with gaping wounds, these beggars were afflicted with a debilitating disease that Douglas thought was a thing of the past - leprosy.

"It's hard to admit, but it hurt to look at them," she recalls. "The suffering was palpable - I just wanted to turn away."

When Douglas returned home, she couldn't sleep. She kept seeing the image of one leprosy-affected woman, a young mother, who had crawled toward her car in Chennai. As Douglas rolled down the window to make sure their car wouldn't harm the woman as they pulled away, their eyes met. Those anguished eyes haunted Douglas, and she finally resolved that she would try to do something to help that woman. "I didn't even know where to start, but I had to do something."

She called four close friends, and together they created Rising Star Outreach, a nonprofit organization dedicated to serving leprosy victims in India and their children, who live with them in the leprosy colonies. But as the charity began to take shape and Douglas began to educate herself about the disease, she learned that in India people afflicted with leprosy lost much more than their health - they were treated as "untouchables," disowned by family members, and cast out of society because of the cultural stigma associated with the disease.

"Leprosy is considered to be the worst curse God can give a man," Douglas says. "It's a common belief that if you have this disease, you're being punished for a sin you committed in this life or a previous one."

Despite the fact that leprosy is curable and easily treated (in fact, the Indian government offers treatment free of charge), those afflicted with the disease are often too ashamed and afraid to seek treatment. They've been forced to abandon life as they know it to live in leprosy colonies on the outskirts of civilization and beg on the streets for survival.

To help leprosy victims and their families as much as possible, Douglas eventually determined that Rising Star Outreach needed to take a three-pronged approach: provide mobile medical care for people living in the colonies, create a safe learning environment for the children of leprosy patients, and offer micro business loans to help leprosy-affected individuals become self-sufficient. This formula has had great success, thanks in large part to the selfless volunteers who come from around the world to serve with Rising Star. "It will be the hardest work you've ever done, but when our volunteers come back, they feel like they have the power to change the world," Douglas says.

Mobile Medical Care Due to lack of resources and terrible living conditions, leprosy victims are often forced to use crude instruments in unsanitary conditions to treat their sores. But Rising Star is changing that by giving patients access to clean bandages and medications through its mobile medical clinic. A medical team makes visits to the leprosy colonies several times each month to properly care for wounds, treat other diseases such as tuberculosis and diabetes, and screen people for the beginning stages of leprosy. "If caught early on, a person can avoid any physical signs that he or she was ever afflicted with leprosy," Douglas says.

Volunteers also help leprosy patients care for their injuries. "Patients will sit on chairs while our volunteers wash their hands and feet," Douglas explains. "Leprosy patients don't have feeling in their extremities, so they often injure themselves, causing open sores or ulcers. Leprosy-affected people are treated as untouchables, but caring for their wounds requires a lot of touching," she continues. "There is a power to heal that is born from love and from touch."

Education Even if they are disease-free, the children of leprosy victims are also branded by the stigma and are forced to become street beggars like their parents. And because leprosy has a genetic aspect - only people with a positive component are susceptible to the disease - children of leprosy patients are in grave danger of contracting leprosy themselves. "Long-term exposure and poor living conditions put colony kids at much greater risk for developing leprosy," Douglas says.

But by providing colony kids a separate place to live and go to school, giving them nutritious meals, and teaching them proper hygiene, Rising Star Outreach has greatly reduced that risk. In addition, "the children at our schools learn computer skills and are taught English, which helps ensure their success in the future," Douglas says. "Indian companies will not hire them, but international companies don't care about the leprosy stigma. We're determined to take our kids and putting them at the top of Indian society by helping them become competitive in the international job market."

According to Douglas, there are almost two hundred children in Rising Star's elementary and secondary schools.

Micro Businesses For leprosy victims, street begging seems like their only option for survival. But thanks to Rising Star Outreach and their partnership with Padma Venkataraman, a well-known activist and daughter of a former Indian president, thousands of leprosy victims who were once beggars have been able to receive micro loans to build their own businesses.

"Business is a great vehicle to eliminate stigma and prejudice," says Douglas. "The stigmas kind of melt away when both parties are benefiting." As the micro loans are repaid, the money is loaned again to other families, giving even more leprosy patients the opportunity to enjoy a new way of life.

"Sadly, when you beg on the streets, the worse you look the more money you make," says Douglas. "It makes leprosy victims want to be the worst they can be. But when they start their micro businesses, they begin cleaning themselves up. The transformation, both inside and outside, is amazing."

*** What started as Becky Douglas's determination to continue her daughter's legacy of giving has turned into a thriving organization that is successfully breaking the tragic cycle of leprosy in India. "We've been invited to open up facilities in nearly every state in the country," she says. "It just goes to show that if you take the first step, God brings the world to you and you can do amazing things. Everyone can make a big difference."

To date Rising Star Outreach has helped more than twenty thousand people. Visit risingstaroutreach.org to learn how you can volunteer in India or help in another way.

--- Stay tuned on LDSLiving.com over August and September as Jamie Lawson documents her experiences of living and working alongside the leprosy victims of Rising Star Outreach.

A Tribute to Dad

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Various Contributors
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: His strong arms are always there to open jars of tomato sauce, toss us into the air for a big splash in the pool, move our boxes as we go to college, and gently hold us when we make a mistake. The most fitting tribute would stretch well beyond the limits of this magazine, but we at LDS Living hope you enjoy the stories of how many people’s lives have been better because of one man: Dad. The Right Priorities Being a father is an enormous responsibility. And when you marry someone, you don't really know what kind of a father he will be. Bronco has become a wonderful father. I don't think either one of us knew what we were doing when we had our first son. But now I can honestly say that he has surpassed my expectations.

Lots of men come home from work but don't really spend quality time with their children. Just being home doesn't make you a good father. Bronco is really available when he is home. Our life might be a bit different from the average family, but we strive to have quality time, because we don't often have quantity. When Bronco is home he is truly there, and our boys know it. Every night, they run to the door to see him.

When Bronco comes home, we all sit in our family room and read, visit, or just reconnect. He will often help the boys with school projects, reading, or just relaxing. I love this because I'm dead tired by the time he gets home and ready for someone else to take over.

He knows the needs of each of our boys and strives to find individual time with them. Our three boys are very different, and Bronco takes the time to appreciate those differences and make each child feel special. Whether it is throwing a ball five thousand times, going to a bookstore, or taking one fly fishing, he takes time to develop his relationship with each child.

One thing I love about Bronco is that he is teaching our boys to respect women. In the way he talks to me and treats me, he is being a wonderful example to them. He constantly tells them all that I do for them and reminds them to thank me. Through his actions, they are learning what is important and equal in a relationship.

We try as a family to be creative in spending time together. Since he travels, we have to be creative in order to stay connected. Bronco loves to iChat with the boys when he is on the road. The boys can show him their work and ask him questions about things. We can also have family prayer, which helps us all feel connected. He loves to be tuned in to what is going on in their world. He loves to hear how their day went and ask all sorts of questions about what they learned or how they handled a certain situation.

Bronco truly enjoys being with our boys. He'll ask me to bring them to practice, we'll take them with us to away games, and we always travel with them.

Bronco is definitely the patriarch of our family, and our boys know it. They treat him with total respect, love, and admiration. They adore him. He is an amazing example for them in all aspects of his life. Parenthood is a partnership, and I’m very lucky to be with someone who realizes this and has his priorities in the right order.

-Holly Mendenhall (Wife of Bronco Mendenhall, head football coach at Brigham Young University)

Secure in His Love My dad is the most Christlike person I know. He has always put the needs, wants, and welfare of my mother and me, his only daughter, ahead of his own.

Growing up during the Great Depression taught my dad frugality in the strictest sense of the word. He learned early to work hard and to help support the family. He often worked at jobs he didn't care for out of responsibility to his family. He put himself through college. He is an example to me of education and has helped me have a lifelong love of learning. I have also learned that having many material things is not the most important aspect of this life.

When I was twelve, my mom, who was raised in the Church but was not active at the time, asked me if I would like to take the missionary discussions. My parents both supported me the whole way as I made the decision to be baptized. My dad has not yet joined the Church, but he is an example of Christ and His teachings like no other I have seen.

My dad is quiet, reserved, and soft-spoken. He does not nag or give unsolicited advice. He is kind and gentle.

I have always felt secure in my father's love. I have never felt that I have disappointed him. He is my example of unconditional love. I feel this has helped me feel love and trust in our Heavenly Father.

-Vicki Kendall Knopf Monterey, California

A Life of Sacrifice My dad, Daniel Zimpel, is a pretty amazing guy. He has dedicated his life to taking care of my sister, my mom, and me. We all have muscular dystrophy. Mom gets around okay on her own, but for my sister and especially me, it is a far different story.

Dad has always been devoted. As I grew and my condition worsened, and my sister's worsened, and my mom's condition worsened, he was put in higher demand. But he has always been there for me. Nowadays, things are pretty complicated.

Every day Dad gets me up for college, takes me to the bathroom, settles me in my electric wheelchair, and starts my breathing treatments; then he does the same thing for my sister. Dad has to start my tube feeds that run in a special pump. He brushes my teeth and does my trachea care. He is constantly on the move from one person to the other.

Dad also takes me to college. He takes all my notes for me since I can no longer write. But even when we return home, Dad's work is far from over. He needs to scan any assignments or textbook chapters onto the computer so I can do my homework.

At 5 p.m. he needs to make sure that my I.V. food is out of the refrigerator. Then he may get a chance to sit down for a few minutes. During this "break," Dad is giving medications, treatments, and suctioning as needed. Then it is time for the bedtime routine. I start my four evening treatments; my sister starts her treatments. Dad has to do final preparations for my I.V. food, then teeth and trachea care again.

After family scriptures and prayer, Dad spends the next couple hours putting my sister and me to bed. We both require extensive propping and positioning since we cannot move at all in bed. By the time this is all completed, it is between 11:30 P.M. and 1 A.M. Dad survives on four to six hours sleep - usually the former.

I know that none of these things were part of my dad's plans or expectations for his life. But the point is that he gave up his wants and devoted himself to me. Always pushing beyond his limits; always serving. He never has a day off, and there is no retirement in sight. My dad is Super Dad.

-Christamae Zimpel

Enduring Well I honor my dad for all of the public reasons people honor him: as a teacher, speaker, writer, and Church leader; for his testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and of the Savior. But I honor him even more for private reasons.

My dad died a few weeks before Father's Day last year. During the year before he died, he suffered from bone cancer. About a week before he died, he was having a bad reaction to some medicine and was agitated and struggled through the night. At one point during that ordeal, a difficult night for me and perhaps one of the very worst - if not the very worst night - of his 82-year life, as he lay there in a body full of cancer, with his eyes closed, he said in what was to me a sacred prayer - and in typical Truman Madsen inflection and cadence:

Thank you- For every moment, Every minute. We love you. We do. You've done glorious things to me; You know you have. Thank you! Thank you!

Following my Dad's example, I'd like to give thanks for his life, and his faith facing death.

As Elder Neal A. Maxwell has written:

For the world, enduring may be enough. But enduring well with grace under pressure is required of us. We all feel the world. There is no safe sanctuary into which an individual can retreat except the sanctuary of the committed life, consciously chosen, in which an individual reaches a supposed breaking point but does not break!

My dad reached that breaking point, and did not break - he endured well with grace under pressure, and with good humor to the very end.

A couple weeks before he died, alone in his hospital room with my mom, he suddenly broke the silence, "I just can't do it!" Mom thought this might be the dramatic moment and took his hand. He said, "I just can't get my left foot back in the bed!"

A week before he died, as we got him ready for bed, we turned him to adjust the covers. As I held him, I said, "I'm sorry, Dad. We're going as fast as we can." He said, "I know. So am I."

My dad taught me through his discipleship during the last year of his life that we can't go around. We have to go through - to the very end. And, on that last long night together a week before he died, as he endured a night-long ordeal, with his simple prayer of gratitude, he showed me that, with the Savior's help, we can get through what we have to get through - and we don't have to go alone.

For that and the light shafts of his testimony that shone all the way to the bottom of our hearts, for enduring so well with grace and good humor to the very end, for all these things and more, we in his family say: thanks, Dad.

-Barnard N. Madsen (Son of religion scholar Truman G. Madsen)

What a Father Should Be Spending my childhood without a father image, I wondered what a father should really be like.

My husband and I had been married for nearly ten years when we received the call that we were going to adopt a sweet little girl through LDS Family Services. This would be the first time I would witness the actions of a loving father toward his precious little girl.

We had just traveled for nearly ten hours, and when we entered the church building, the birthmother decided that she would be the one to place her child with us. She leaned over to me and put in my arms this precious little angel girl. Immediately my husband placed in her hands a dozen red roses, so that she would not feel that her hands were empty but filled with the love that we shared for her and the unselfish act of wanting the best for this child. I learned that day that the little girl I held had the best father any little girl could possibly wish for. I knew what it must have felt like when Heavenly Father held me in His hands as his daughter and made everything feel perfect for me.

I would say that my husband has spent the last thirteen years of his daughter's life happier than he has ever been. My husband is everything I knew that a father should be, and all that Heavenly Father intended him to become.

-Esmeralda Carter

Adapted from "A Tribute to Dad," LDS Living, May/June 2010. Read more great tributes to dads inside LDS Living.

Make Someone's Day (for Under $10)

Mon, 31 May 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Claire Thornock Brazelton
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Remember the idea of paying it forward? You probably wish you could do it without paying an arm and a leg. But acts of kindness don’t have to be expensive—they don’t have to cost you anything at all. Here are some creative ways to brighten someone else’s day on a low budget. Be the Chocolate Fairy Get a bag of good quality, individually wrapped chocolates - such as Dove or Hershey's Bliss - and fill a mason jar with them. Attach a flower with raffia and a note that says, "Chocolate is nature's way of making up for Mondays. Love, The Chocolate Fairy." Pick a Monday and place the jar at the doorstep of a neighbor. Run stealthily away.

Breakfast's on Me When going through a drive-thru to pick up breakfast, pay for the bill of the person behind you, too. This act of kindness will probably be less than $10, and that person may do it for someone else next time.

Gardening Service Pulling weeds is no one's favorite summer pastime, but it's a job that has to be done. While attending to your weeds, check your neighbor's garden or flower beds for overbearing weeds. Spending just a few extra minutes weeding will give your neighbor a happy surprise and will allow you to help beautify your neighborhood.

Surprise Service People with a Treat When visiting the doctor's office, picking up your car from the auto shop, or going to the hair salon, surprise the staff with a treat. A box of doughnuts or a dozen cookies fits nicely into a budget of $5 to $10 and will put a smile on the faces of those who receive it.

Run Extra Errands If you know someone who is busy with a new job or has a newborn baby, offer to pick up a few things for them while you are out doing errands. Basic tasks like grocery shopping or dry clean pickup can become heavy burdens when schedules are full or when unexpected events take place.

Coupons Instead of Casseroles When someone new moves into your neighborhood, instead of the traditional casserole or brownie plate, provide a list of local grocery stores and restaurants in your area. Include a $10 coupon or gift card to your favorite grocery store or restaurant. This guarantees your neighbors the opportunity to have a positive adventure in their new hometown.

Music to Remember When When friends have a son leaving for college or a daughter getting married, cheer them up by sending a CD of songs that came from the year their son or daughter was born. You can use iTunes to search for popular songs from those specific years, or use your own personal collection. Hearing those songs will give your friends a few laughs during their trip down memory lane.

--- Article adapted from "Make Someone's Day" in LDS Living's May/June 2010 issue. Learn more great tips by ordering our print magazine!

Fat Boy Ice Cream and the Gender Gap

Fri, 07 May 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Emily Watts
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: My children are now all of the age where male-female relationships play a prominent role, and watching them has reminded me how mystified I was as a young adult woman at the seeming insensitivity of the young men in my world. Now, many years later, I've seen the research that suggests men's brains are structured differently from women's, and that the connection between brain hemispheres that allows woman to multitask and to process relationships is less developed in men. Their brains are programmed to forge ahead single-mindedly and conquer problems - a significant skill.

To give the men in my life credit, I think they try. Take Mother's Day in my ward, for example. To start, the men take over the women's Church jobs so that they can relax and attend Sunday School and Relief Society. I think that's a great start.

Next comes the gift for the women. I know that the men agonize over what is most appropriate. Plants are a frequent choice, but many members have nowhere to plant them. Cut flowers seem to be out of the question - many men perceive them as a waste of money, although surveys say women would rather receive fresh flowers than a plant. One year I was in Seattle on Mother's Day, and the bishopric in that ward presented the women Cadbury chocolate bars. I applaud that most heartily, except I know our bishopric shies away from those, too, as unsuitable for diabetics.

Next comes the awkwardness of deciding how to present the gift. It has long been a practice to include all women, not only those who have borne children. The instinct is right, but it's tough for the single women in our ward to stand up. And the day is difficult for a lot of mothers, too, who don't feel like they measure up to the "ideal mother" who is likely to be extolled in well-meaning sacrament meeting talks.

The men just don't want to offend anyone. That seems to be their primary goal on Mother's Day: it's not to honor motherhood or even womanhood. Instead, it's to avoid making anyone upset. This is our fault (the women's, I mean) for reading the wrong message into everything.

Contrast this with Father's Day. For many years, we didn't even observe Father's Day in our ward, and no one ever complained. Now we have a tradition that during the last ten minutes of priesthood meeting, they gather all the classes from deacons to high priests together in the multi-purpose room and present them with Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches. No one tries to probe for subliminal meaning in the choice of Fat Boys. They eat their ice cream and yuk it up and go home happy.

What would happen in your ward if they tried to give Fat Boys to the women on Mother's Day? Almost too horrible to contemplate, isn't it?

So, which way is better, the men's or the women's? Neither, of course. They're just different. I have grown to appreciate my husband's steady clarity when I've gotten emotionally overwrought about a situation. And he seems to appreciate my ability to correctly "read" the emotions in our children. We need both skills in our family, in our ward, and in our world.

--- Excerpted from I Hate it When Exercise is the Answer by Emily Watts; available at Deseret Book.

--- To find out more about Fat Boy Ice Cream, click here.

More than Melody

Mon, 03 May 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Jamie Cline
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Everyone knows that music influences people—that it holds a special power all its own. But what are its "magical properties?" For years researchers have studied why and how music has such an enormous effect on people. Music has been found to boost athletic performance; soothe and heal injuries; help depression, autism, and Alzheimer's; and increase academic performance. It seems there is something more to those tunes that get our toes tapping and our fingers snapping.

Education and Music "But Mom, I do better on my homework when I'm listening to music!" Most parents have heard this, possibly repeatedly, from their children. And your children may be right, depending on the type of music that is playing. While things like popular music, TV, and chatting online all distract from homework and increase the likelihood of making mistakes, non-vocal, calming music can sometimes help a child focus more on their studies.

But what really causes an increase in your child's academic performance is music education. Studies repeatedly show that learning to play and read music correlates with positive results in learning capabilities.

Think about it--getting an 89 percent on an essay is a pretty good grade. However, if your child plays 89 percent of the notes correctly in the end of the year concert, neither your child, the band teacher, or the other fifty kids in the band are going to be pleased with his or her performance. The unique discipline that comes from learning and performing music helps children in many areas of their lives.

In one study, two elementary schools were compared--one in which children studied piano formally for three consecutive years and one that required no formal musical training. Students from the "music-learning" school had significantly better vocabulary and verbal sequencing than the other group. Another study in Switzerland tested 1,200 children in 50 schools for various effects of music education, and found that children actively involved in music learned to read more quickly and acquired other languages more readily. These children also had lower stress levels and demonstrated more enjoyment in school then those not involved with music.

Using music in the classroom to teach math and reading is a new concept, but one that has proven to be very effective. Gregory Stevens, an algebra teacher from Elk Grove, California, has been using music in his classroom for several years now. To teach his students the quadratic formula, he has them sing the words of the formula to the chorus of "Jingle Bells." Because of this exercise, every one of his students is able to memorize this complicated formula.

Starlene Hansen, a student of his in 2000, says she still remembers the song (and, consequently, the formula), ten years later: "[The song] made an unfamiliar concept with an incredibly foreboding name into a simple and fun song." Hansen continues, "Mr. Stevens also used the 'Tomorrow' song from Annie and had us sing it the day before a major assignment was due, to increase our awareness and eliminate the excuse of not knowing when something was due." Hansen feels that singing made the mundane task of remembering due dates fun and created unique accountability.

Exercise and Music It isn't surprising that music is a boon when it comes to working out. After all, walk into any gym--almost all the members are wearing earphones. But music doesn't only keep us entertained while exercising--it has been proven to increase performance. Even competitive athletes take advantage of its powers: track star Haile Gebrselassie set an indoor world record for the 2000 meters in 1999 by synchronizing his stride to the song "Scatman." But why exactly is music so helpful in our quest for fitness?

Understanding how music affects exercising is dependent on grasping the entrainment (not entertainment) principle. Entrainment is when two or more unconnected rhythms synchronize, or begin to have the same beat. Scientist Christian Huygens discovered this principle in 1665, when he placed two pendulum clocks on a wall and found that they eventually began to swing at the same rate. This same principle explains why the footsteps of a jogger fall into the same rhythm as the music he or she is listening to.

Because of the entrainment principle, our bodies naturally push themselves to be in sync with the music that we are listening to. When exercising it's important to have several different music tracks, with varying beats, so that you can warm up to a slower beat and work your way up to a faster one, which will elevate your heart rate.

According to Dr. Costas Karageorghis, a researcher studying the relationship between music and exercise, the ideal tempo for a power walker is 137 to 139 BPM (beats per minute); for a runner, it would be around 147 to 160 BPM. The wonderful thing is, it doesn't matter what kind of music you use--if you can find a song with the right beat, whether it's classical, country, or rock, it will push you and motivate you just the same.

However, the entrainment principle isn't the only thing that makes music such a powerful motivator to exercise. Music also has the incredible power to boost positive feelings and block out bad ones. In fact, music can take away much of the body's awareness of aching lungs, beating heart, and lactic acid. It can reduce a person's perception of effort by 10 percent, which can make all the difference when you are pushing for those last minutes of a tough workout.

Music has also been proven to help with consistency in workouts. In 2005, Christopher Capuano, director of Fairleigh Dickinson University's School of Psychology, conducted a study which tracked a small group of overweight or obese women for twenty-four weeks while they dieted and exercised. Half of the women were told to listen to music of their choice while exercising. While all the participants lost weight, the women who listened to music were more consistent with their exercise routines (they adhered to the program 98 percent of the time), resulting in greater weight loss than the other group (who adhered only 68 percent of the time).

Healing and Music We've all heard miraculous stories of healing, some involving music and some not. But no one can disagree that music is effective in healing the mind and body alike.

One of the amazing properties of music is that it can reach parts of the brain and evoke memories that speech simply can't reach. Therapists frequently use music from a patient's past to connect with them, often with significant results.

Jennifer Birchell of Utah, who works as a music therapist at Sunshine Terrace Foundation, a facility that assists the elderly with rehabilitation and assisted living, sees miracles of music healing almost daily in her work. "[One] man that I once worked with had dementia," she says. "We found out that he loved baseball and used to play professionally. So we played 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame,' and it helped him connect a little bit. His family came in and played it with him, and they were able to reach him. They were thrilled."

Birchell describes another man who had a stroke, which caused him to lose brain and muscle function on one side of his body. Like many other stroke patients, he also lost the ability to speak. "When someone has a stroke, . . . we've found that [sometimes] they can't speak, but they can sing," she says. This man was particularly angry about his lack of success when Birchell was asked to visit him. "When I asked him to sing with me, he got really angry. He knew he couldn't sing. But I told him to just try, and I started singing 'You Are My Sunshine.' His eyes got really big and excited because the words were coming out of his mouth and getting clearer and clearer. From there, we took bits of the song and turned them into phrases he could use. His wife came in and he was able to sing to her, 'I love you.' I worked with him for only three weeks and then he was able to go home and live with his wife."

Music helps people learn and develop because there are so many different elements to it--voices, rhythm, harmony, all which are processed in different areas of the brain. "Exercising" the different parts of the brain by using music helps encourage growth and stimulates parts of the brain that may be damaged.

Often, when music therapists work with groups who have some kind of brain disease, such as Alzheimer's, many of the participants seem almost asleep and uninterested at the beginning. The therapists start with slow music, and then they gradually increase the beat. The body entrains itself with the rhythm and gradually increases in responsiveness. Eventually, the previously unresponsive patients are clapping and interacting in a way that they couldn't do without musical encouragement.

Music, whether it is used for education, exercise, or healing, can make a huge difference in lives. Anyone who has listened to an inspired choir in a church meeting knows the effect that their simple harmonies have on people. Somehow music is able to connect with parts of us that speaking just can't reach. While research continues to be done, the whys behind the power of music have yet to be discovered. For now, the reason these joyful strains have such an effect on us will remain an amazing and wondrous mystery.

Dealing with Infertility

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Kerstin Daynes
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: In December of 2003, the thing I had feared for nearly five years was confirmed: I was infertile. Feelings of despair and betrayal flooded my life, and I felt isolated in my silent sorrow. After I learned I was infertile, I sought help and guidance from many places; I wanted to read more about other women who knew exactly how I felt, and I wanted to make connections with those who had walked the path I was walking.

With the statistics showing that one out of seven couples has difficulty conceiving, the number of couples in our wards, branches, and stakes that are affected by this disease is significant. As if affects so many, how could there be so little information from a Latter-day Saint perspective on the topic? Infertility is a very real disease that brings overwhelming stress, hidden losses, and associated feelings of inadequacy, sadness, and isolation. I have felt all of these; but I have also learned to feel joy, strength, and power. My desire is to offer hope to those who also carry this burden.

Reacting to Comments from Others One of the hardest things to deal with is leaving the house and facing people - including the things people say. We have all heard someone say, "Relax! You are trying too hard!" to a woman who wants to get pregnant. In actuality, some couples dealing with infertility truly need to "try harder" to conceive since the process is, in some way, flawed for them.

I am certain we could all sit down and make an exhaustive list of the hurtful things we have heard people say. Some I have forgotten, others make me smile, while other still haunt me. Here are a few I have collected:

"It will all work out in the Lord's time." "Don't worry. You will be blessed to be a mother in the eternities." "So, when are you going to have a baby?" "Enjoy your time together while you can." "I bet working in the nursery is great birth control." "You have no idea how lucky you are that you don't have to worry about children. You can have one of mine."

It has taken a long time to get to this point, but I am beginning to see comments and questions regarding my infertility as a door being opened for discussion. When you feel comfortable offering some information, it's best to keep it simple, direct, and maybe even a bit vague. Here are some suggestions of what to say when the questions come:

"We are ready for children whenever they join our family." "There is a time and season for everything in life. Children come in a different time and season for every couple." "Our family consists of me and my husband/wife right now." "We are confronting some issues as we try to have a family. We are working with a highly skilled physician and feel confident in his/her abilities. We appreciate you being supportive and understanding."

I think I have used every one of these and several others; they usually move the conversation in another direction. Many times, responding this way makes the questioner realize the magnitude of the question they asked. So my suggestion to you is to come up with a response that you and your spouse will use when the situation arises.

Supporting Someone Who Has Fertility Challenges As I prepared to share my feelings about infertility with my mother, I remember wondering exactly how she would be able to relate. After all, my mom and dad began their family with my older sister who came nine months after they were married and had seven children in thirteen years. I knew that she could not empathize, but I also knew that she sincerely wanted to understand. I realized that I could choose to be angry that her ease of having children did not qualify her to adequately comfort me. Or I could choose to play a pivotal role in teaching her about this sorrow that was unknown to her.

This is written to the mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends of those who experience infertility. Your willingness and ability to help bear the burden of infertility will make the pain more bearable and the sorrow not so deep. Here are some things to consider.

The gospel is family-oriented, as it should be, but it is often hard for a couple dealing with infertility to be reminded of it so often. We find joy in our relationships with those we love and feel comforted that family relationships continue eternally. It is important to remember that families are not just moms and dads with children. A family can be just a husband and wife. A family begins with a husband and wife. A family continues through the experiences of life whether there are no children, one child, or ten children. Make sure that, in cases of infertility, you help couples feel that they are a legitimate family.

Be genuine. Don't fake it. If you fake it, they will know. Are you asking them questions about their infertility because you are curious, because you have stewardship over the couple, or because you heard from someone else about their infertility? Or are you asking them because you are concerned about them and want to offer your support? What will you do with the information you gather? Remember that a truly genuine friend asks questions out of deep concern and love. A genuine friend will offer support and strength no matter what happens. This friend will carefully guard the information gathered and will respect the couple's wishes of who they want to know.

Couples experiencing infertility may be sensitive to announcements of pregnancy, overemphasis on children, or baby showers. Handle these topics with sensitivity. Invite women to baby showers, but do not be offended if they choose not to come. Make sure lessons in Sunday meetings are geared toward men and women across all life situations, taking into account those who are single or childless, those who have children, and those who are empty nesters. Additionally, provide activities that similarly apply to all. Be careful not to make children seem like a requirement.

Be careful about what you say. Infertile couples need less advice and more understanding. They will talk if they want to and if they see a caring friend. If you initiate the conversation, be sure you are motivated by compassion. As you discuss the topic of infertility with a couple, try not to act like the expert and as though you know what their specific problem is. Rather, allow the person experiencing the problem to do most of the talking. Ask questions to clarify and to gain a greater understanding so you can be better educated. Consider saying, "I just can't imagine what you are feeling. Describe it to me so that I can try to understand."

It can be harmful to bring up a story of how someone else got pregnant or how someone you know is experiencing infertility. Instead of offering help, you are taking the focus away from the couple. Provide a listening ear and gentle kindness.

One last thing: Be a good parent yourself. Recognize the truly magnificent gift you have - children. Treat your children well. Teach them. Cherish them.

Major Decisions

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Henry J. Eyring
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Education makes life richer in non-monetary ways. It can open your eyes and heart to the world and to the people in it. The point of making money, after all, is to provide for the physical necessities of life so that its true pleasures can be fully experienced. Higher education makes both of these things easier.

I've also learned that the people you meet in college and graduate school can shape your life for the better. I particularly treasure the influence of professors who not only taught well but also took the time to mentor me and my fellow students. I owe many of my most valued skills and perspectives to teachers who went beyond the call of duty.

You can get an outstanding higher education, one that will prepare you to make decisions of great economic and social value and to enjoy the best things in life. You can succeed in college and graduate school even if you are the first person in your family to try. The key is to take charge of the process yourself.

Education and the Gospel Education matters to everyone, but it has special value for those who sense the deeper meaning and purpose of life. My grandfather had that kind of big-picture view of education. Once, when he was president of the American Academy for the Advancement of Science, an association of 100,000 scientists, he wrote these words to his colleagues: "I believe that every brilliant conquest made by man is but a manifestation of the divine spark which sets him apart from the rest of creation. Man is in the image of God, destined to go on learning and perfecting himself throughout eternity."

Grandpa learned that principle from his grandfather, who learned it through Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith recoded the divine direction to study and learn all we can "of things both in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth; things which have been, things which are, things which must shortly come to pass; things which are at home, things which are abroad; the wars and the perplexities of the nations, and the judgments which are on the land; and a knowledge also of countries and of kingdoms" (Doctrine and Covenants 88:79).

Joseph Smith applied this principle in his own life. His family's poverty prevented him from attending school past the second grade. However, he spent his life studying many of the subjects mentioned above - astronomy, history, languages, law, and others.

Perhaps the greatest benefit of having a truly long-range perspective on education is knowing that our decisions matter not just now but in the life to come, and that we can expect divine guidance in making them. I certainly see that as I look back on my formal education and career choices. In spite of some denial letters, economic downturns, and my own sometimes wrongheaded choices, Heaven has guided my path.

My father has described how and why such things, like rejection letters, happen in our lives: "Your life is carefully watched over, as was mine. The Lord knows both what He will need you to do and what you will need to know. He is kind and He is all-knowing. So you can, with confidence, expect that He has prepared opportunities for you to learn in preparation for the service you will give. You will not recognize those opportunities perfectly, as I did not. But when you put the spiritual things first in your life, you will be blessed to feel directed toward certain learning, and you will be motivated to work harder. You will recognize later that your power to serve was increased, and you will be grateful."

God cares about you and your education. He will not only help you get the education you need, He will take you to the people He wants you to encounter. Those people are in only one place, and so you can be sure not just that there is a right school for you to attend and particular subjects for you to study, but that your choice should be based more on people than on prestige. You will always be grateful for what you learn in school. But even more, you will be grateful for service you give and are given as you learn.

The Growing Need for Education There are many reasons for seeking all the formal education you can get. Education increases your awareness of the world and your ability to maneuver through it. It gives you the chance to learn from the experiences and insights of others. That learning can help you avoid painful mistakes. For example, a class in biology might convince you to avoid smoking, or to stop if you've already started. And a good math teacher could show you why your credit card can be as dangerous to your bank account as smoking is to your body. Education can help you learn from the mistakes of others and avoid making those mistakes yourself.

If you're like me when I was in high school, you may be looking for more tangible benefits, such as a better wage than you can make as a lifeguard. That's a worthy desire and a great reason for getting an education. If fact, if you hope to graduate from the lifeguard's chair to something more interesting and better paying, you had better think seriously about higher education. If you don't, you could be in real trouble because the world is changing in ways that are hard to see but will have a powerful effect on you.

The way wealth is created is changing. In the past, human muscle was the source of the products that made life better. Today, those products are increasingly created by the power of the human mind. That change is important for you. It can be good news if you're well educated, but bad news if you're not.

My grandpa recognized that inevitability when he was young. Grandpa was born in a Mormon settlement in Mexico in 1901. In 1910, revolutionaries took his family's ranch and drove them from Mexico. As refugees in remote Pima, Arizona, they borrowed money to buy land and broke baked ground to start a farm.

Grandpa didn't like this kind of desert farm work. That increased his natural enthusiasm for school. He studied hard and won a scholarship to the University of Arizona. He applied his farmer's work ethic in the classroom and ultimately became a well-known research chemist at Princeton.

In this modern world, we can't begin to make a living on muscle alone. Even minimum-wage jobs, which usually require at least some thinking, don't provide a decent living for a family. At the current minimum wage, a family of just three people with just one minimum wage earner would fall below what the U.S. government calls the poverty level.

Getting Ready - Focus on the Fundamental Skills Your high school courses provide good opportunities to build analysis skills. Make the most of English and math especially. These two subjects are essential to understanding all other fields of knowledge, and mastering them will be a blessing both in your professional work and in teaching your children.

Try to see the deeper power of the words and numbers. Math, for example, is an essential tool for sizing things up. Numbers will help you to answer questions with precision. You don't have to know advanced calculus or Einstein's theory of relativity. But, to consistently make good judgments, you must feel comfortable talking and thinking in the language of numbers.

Here's a practical tip for learning to feel comfortable with math: don't move to the next level until you've mastered the one you're on. That was part of my problem with AP calculus, which I took in my senior year of high school. Among the many courses in which I earned bad grades the year before was college algebra. Without a solid foundation in algebra, I was a sitting duck when it came to calculus; even if I'd studied calculus as intensely as a high school senior as I did the following year in college, I'd have performed below my ultimate ability level. Rather than taking AP calculus without the necessary foundation in algebra, I'd have been better off enrolling in a less difficult math class or even retaking college algebra. Math builds on itself, and so you have to make the foundation solid as you go, even if that means going slower. Remember, the fast track isn't fast if you arrive at the end of the line unprepared.

Skill with words is equally important in making decisions. Warren Buffett, for example, is of course good at reading an income statement. But he is also a brilliant writer. People who don't even own stock in his company look forward to reading the annual letter he writes to his stockholders. Part of the reason that people like to read these letters is that he's very funny. His annual letter often includes jokes and sometimes even favorite chili recipes. But Warren Buffett's writing is also just plain fun to read. His sentences are simple and clear; it's easy to see his logic. Writing with that kind of clarity requires clear thinking. If you can write effectively, you will also think effectively.

You can make a great plan preparing for college. Take classes that you can learn a lot in, whether they're AP or Vo-Ed or anything else that is well taught and stimulates your thinking; don’t worry about appearances. And, in all of your high school activities, keep in mind analysis skills, people skills, and moral sense; you can acquire plenty of skills before you earn your high school diploma.

--- Excerpted from Major Decisions, copyright Deseret Book, 2010. Available now.

Adventures in Smiling

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 18:00:00 -0600

by Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard
source: MormonLife.com

Mormon Life says: Getting people to smile on demand is a bit tricky. Attempts to get my sizeable family bathed, dressed, and looking pleasant for a picture is like medieval torture. Just saying the words “family portrait” makes me break out in a cold sweat. When my unenthusiastic family is finally lined up for this mother-initiated activity, I feel great compassion for our frazzled photographer.

"Pull that finger out of your nose," the photographer says. "Would the teenager on the back row take off the sunglasses? Now on the count of three, everybody look at me and say 'pickles.' One, two, three--pickles!"

Why do we want to see ourselves smiling in pictures? Why not just snap a realistic photo of family members milling around showing their true mood at the moment? Because we all look and feel better when we smile.

While insisting others smile can be a cause of great frustration, getting ourselves to smile will always bring us joy.

I remember a time when I was worried about one of my teenage sons. I prayed long and hard asking God to teach me how to love my son. The impression I received was simple: smile. This answer perplexed me. Still, I gave it a try. I began smiling at my son more often. I made an effort to catch his eye and smile at him during breakfast and supper. I noticed myself appreciating him more and becoming keenly aware of his courage in the face of adolescence. I wasn't sure at the time if he noticed, or if it meant anything to him--teenage boys aren't famous for expressing tender emotions. Some time later I received a letter from this son, who had become an adult:

"Dear Mom, thank you for smiling at me. When I was making my most difficult decisions, I would see your face in my mind, smiling," he wrote. "I knew you loved me, and it made all the difference."

Smiling is also a great way to meet new people. Once I was sitting in the Marriott Center at BYU during a Women's Conference. I was one of the speakers that day, but none of my family or friends could make it to listen to my talk. I was feeling sad and alone, even though there were thousands of women all around me. At that very moment, the woman sitting next to me turned and smiled.

It felt like she'd tossed me a ball of sunshine. Instantly, I no longer felt alone or sad. I had the impression that if this woman and I knew each other, we would be friends. It occurred to me that I was surrounded by family and friends--I just hadn't met or smiled at them yet.

We unlock our personal power for good when we offer the gift of a genuine and loving smile. Turning up the corners of our mouths helps us spread sunshine everywhere we go. So on those days when we feel inferior, worried, diminished, sad, or lonely, we need to get out there and start smiling. I've learned my day usually goes the same way as the corners of my mouth.

--- Adapted from 15 Secrets to a Happy Home, by Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard; available at Deseret Book.